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Posts by Gautama
Joined: Nov 26, 2008
Last Post: Aug 8, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 133  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 139 / page 2 of 4
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Gautama   
Mar 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Hospitality is a virtue passed down to me from my family; NYU sup 5 short answers [4]

For question 1:
If they ask about summer specifically you probably should not talk about christmas. You have limited space so I would cut out those sentences about christmas and the holidays and add a few sentences elaborating on what exactly you did do last summer.

For question 3:
This idea is nice but it's not really a club. (there will be no meetings or group activities) We all get those emails that people want us to pass on to other people when we get them about sharing and caring and what not. Try to think of something that interests you more specifically(like something having to do with your major) If you were into Psychology you could start a club that tries to psychoanalize various people in the media or politics and you could try to figure out what was going on in their heads that makes them do what they do. You could psychoanalyze Obama, lol. (Maybe a little far-fetched but you get the idea).

Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / Shopping is a necessity in our life [5]

What are the exact instructions for this assignment? Please post what your instructions were so that we can critique papers with some frame of reference.

Firstly, shopping is a necessary thing in our livesbecause we need things like food, clothes, or shoes.

---what are you trying to say here, exactly?---
"Sometimes shopping can be time when you feel relax, and sometimes you feel angry."
---Perhaps you could change it to this---
"Sometimes shopping can be a time when you feel relaxed, but sometimes you can feel angry."

Secondly, I have to talk about fiscal responsibility.

---What do you mean by "spending the money on time"? Do you have a deadline by which your money must be spent?---

"Sometimes I spend my money later, but now I am trying spending the money on time."

---This is not a complete sentence. Add a verb :)---
"For example the money I can spend for apparels, for cosmetics or party."

---I would be hesitant to use the word "hence" here because it implies that you are making an inference from a previously stated fact. I don't think you could make that sort of inference here.---

"Hence, my parents give me the freedom to use the money, to understand that if I spend all the money today, tomorrow I can not buy anything."

(By the way, how do you make red letters? It better not be some special thing that only moderators can do, lol. :D)
Gautama   
Mar 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / A creation of the mind - "Imagination" essay [7]

You can imagine a spaceship all you want but you will never turn it into a reality unless you approach it's construction in a logical and scientific way. Everything you can physically see in the world today that was created by humans is a product of logic and science.

and imagination too, of course :)
Gautama   
Mar 4, 2009
Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Please post the exact instructions given to you for this assignment.

You could talk about a myriad of different things depending on how you feel about global warming. Do some research first. Find the evidence that supports global warming and what predictions scientists make about how it will affect the world.

Once you have this basic information you can make an argument backed up by your research and examples. All you have to do is find out what you think about global warming after your research and write a sentence that sums it up. Make sure you can back that statement up with lots of evidence and ideas. Good Luck!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Essays / Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine) [5]

You dont need the extra "however" in the middle of the sentence. I would reverse the order of the elements of the second part of the thesis like this:

Although many people already know how to use Maryland's new voting machines, only paper applications should be used because the majority of voters are older people.

I don't know exactly if that was the meaning you were trying to get across because the second part of your thesis is confusing. Let me know what you think!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Writing Feedback / Ethics and Values BA Hons Social Work [3]

I'm not sure where your thesis is. The prompt asks you to address 3 things: privelage, power and difference so your thesis statement should address all of these areas.

This sentence:"Power equals regulations, procedures and laws in social care may be said to disempower people."
Seems to contradict this sentence: "Power is exercised in relationships and not in institutions or procedures."

I am a little unsure where you have made your paragraph cut-offs as you seem to have on paragraph that is just a quote and then an intro paragraph that is two sentences long.

First you will need to come up with your thesis. Make sure that it addresses all aspects of the prompt not just one. I would maybe suggest making body paragraphs based on the 3 things(privelage, power, and difference) that the prompt asks about.

The first paragraph is your introduction paragraph and should include: Your thesis statement, the main ideas for all of you body paragraphs, and a hook. A safe way I go for making my thesis worthwhile is to make sure that it answers a why question and not just a how or what question. Why questions will always send you deeper into what you are studying.

Make sure that each body paragraphs has only one main idea that is sumed up into one sentence at the begining of the paragraph (the topic sentence). Everything in that paragraph should build on, support, or elaborate on that main idea. You can use your personal experiences such as your time spent at a hostel as support for your main ideas.

So make a thesis, intro paragraph and the body paragraphs and repost them here. You can use much of what you have already written so long as you organize it correctly and stay on the topic of whatever paragraph you are in. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Graduate / Need help SOP - architecture [5]

Do you have a word limit? You should talk more about the program itself and why it should be done abroad. As it stands you really only describe why you want to go to the Netherlands but not why you want to conduct the program. You could go on vacation any time for a myriad of different reasons but the reader will want something more specific. What about this program do you think makes it essential that it take place in the Netherlands? Relate all this back to the program itself and I think you could really expand on the things you have said more and make this thing a little longer. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Graduate / Need help SOP - architecture [5]

[/b]The reason why I choose to study abroad is to extend my horizons, especially in ways that will be benificialfor my chosen major. In my opinion, Europe has got beautiful cities with fantastic environments.

---This sentence is somewhat confusing---
A good management in its environment acts as a leading point in mantaining its problems integratedly.
---Do you mean a good "manager?" In this case the manager would be the "leading person" instead of point. A manager would deal with problems instead of maintaining them. Also what do you mean by "integratedly"? Perhaps revise this sentence to say something like this:

"A good manager acts as the leading person in dealing with problems that arise and maintaining a suitable environment."

---Maybe you should just cut this sentence out or totally rewrite it because I still don't understand how it relates to the essay---

Several cities in Malaysia have a similar geographic characteristics, for example Kuching and Rotterdam are both located near a delta area ,Therefor theythathave a lot of water from the river banks and have to deal with the sea flood. Despite its geographical condition, theNetherlandsalso has a huge population, a problem that also occurs in Malaysia. I have never been to the Netherlands, but a lot of people think that it is a good example of a country that is capable in solving it's own problems. I want to learn the systems of management in the Netherlands and Europe, including knowing about their regional characteristics, so when I come back to Malaysia, they could be implemented in my country.
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Scholarship / The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist - why did you choose this career? [8]

Arriving here, I finally felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me. Health-care was my passion and the opportunity had finally come for me to make my own decision.

---I wouldn't use the word "arrive" again so soon.---

My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin.It was a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers.

In my search for my future career I received input from every health-care professionalthat I ever met about the positive and negative aspects of their ownwork.

---Again, I wouln't use the word "career" again so soon.--- (heh, heh get it?...nvm...)

The final input came from my brother-in-law, a cardiologist, which introduced me to the field of echocardiography.

Overall good job in showing your ample work experience and story. One thing that could be just a matter of taste is that you might want to talk more about what you like about sonography specifically. You spend alot of time talking about how you got to the point where you decided to get into your chosen field but not explicitely why.

As it stands it looks like the only reason you want to go into sonography is because you wish you could understand the big words your brother was saying to you. There are big words thrown around in many scientific professions so why choose this one?

You could talk about how sonography allows you to connect with the patients more by giving them a visual that they can understand for what is happening inside them. This can be comforting as most people going to the hospital don't really understand all the technicalities of what their doctors are talking about. A picture, however, can be of great comfort and understanding for patients. (I don't know, maybe you wont be showing the patients their echo pictures but just try to come up with something more specific for why you chose this field. Good luck!)
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Undergraduate / My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family) [4]

I like how this blends the two topics together into one flowing narrative.

Maybe you should try to talk more about how college will mean alot to you because you only have one sentence that talks about this. I see that you have 506 words so you might have to cut some stuff out. It just depends what you think the reader will want to read about. (I'm sure they would like to hear about how cool you think their college is!)
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

See I figure that if you can write a serious essay that makes use of the first person correctly and effectively you should get credit for it. If there is nothing wrong with the thing itself but only that many times it is misused then using it correctly should give you extra credit if anything, ha ha!

Very interesting Sean! There are so many games that we humans have to play in our lives that seem to have no practical purpose for really making anything more effective at all. Writing certainly has its share of games. (The use of first person in serious essays, ending sentences with a preposition, and we all talked about the many strange forms of proper citation) Although I will say that it is games like these that give languages their own sound and style that change through culture and time. So like any other game I suppose it can be fun!
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Essay on 'Power of Organizations'. [6]

Hello, you could also consider researching corruption amongst these powerful organizations. If you are talking about companies you could talk about how huge companies use questionable methods to ensure financial stability.

A book I am reading now is called "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." In it the author tells about how he was an "Economic Hitman" meaning that he was an agent for a major company that would travel around and use bribery, intimidation, and extortion in order to keep minor governments and other companies around the world in the pocket of the company he was working for. It is almost like he was a CIA agent who used silent and covert manipulation to benifit his employers. Of course the company denies all of his allegations but it is still a fascinating read.

btw: Kevin, I love how of all the giant ferocious animals that you could have chosen from to describe Wal-Mart you chose a dinosaur! As if Wal-Mart is getting ready to go extinct to make room for some of those "little animals" to evolve into something better! :D
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

So do you mean that if the teacher never requested an outline you would have no use at all for making one?

Isn't the point of an outline to plan out your paper before you start working so that you don't wander off track. If you, however, write the paper first then what is the use of writing an outline to help write a paper that is already written?
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Statement: Studying People my Whole Adult Life [6]

Hello. Are you going to be working towards a particular degree? If so it would be good to describe exactly what you are interested in and why. Also what will you do with this education? You say that you have been studying people for years so maybe you are talking about sociology/ psychology/ social psychology?
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

I get my "in the moment thinking" from freewrites that I usually do beforehand. I will sometimes find a topic then come up with a hypothesis for what I think my thesis will be. Then I do freewrites to get most of my body paragraph material and to see where my random thoughts will take me. Then I make any neccessary changes to my thesis and write an outline to organize all the randomness of my freewrites. THEN I rewrite the freewrites according to my outline to make the finished paper.

I usually dont start with an outline either (rather I start with freewrites) but before I turn those freewrites into a paper I write an outline. If I dont have some kind of guidline I will go off on irrelevant tangents. God bless you guys who can get away with freewriting papers!
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Pride and Prejudice Essay. Starting a research. [8]

The prompt asks "to what extent" which probably means that the essay will be about the measure of how extreme Elizabeth's actions are. If you have read the book you can probably come up with a gut reaction answer to this question. So run with it.

Do some freewrites that talk about what she does specifically and how extreme you think these actions are. Talk about how much she is willing to sacrifice and how many risks she is willing to take, etc.

Scan the freewrites and come up with what your main argument is. Condense that argument down into one sentence and there is your thesis. That should get you started. Post what you come up with and if you need help on an outline or body paragraphs you will know where to find us. :)
Gautama   
Mar 10, 2009
Essays / How to start an essay on The Merchant Of Venice...? [4]

Well first you have to ask yourself: Do I think Shylock is portrayed as a victim or as a villian? The answer to that question is the first part of your thesis statement.

Second you have to ask yourself: Why do I think that and what evidence do I have to support such a claim? The answer to that question is the second part of your thesis statement.

So, a simplistic way of presenting a thesis here would be:

Shylock is portrayed as a _______ in the society he lives in because of _______, _______, and ______.

From there you can make your body paragraphs about each of the main reasons you have for thinking he is a victim or a villian and the evidence you have to support these main reasons. You will probably want to include and analyze textual evidence from the play to support specific claims that you make as well.

Show us what you have after that. Or better yet try just writing the intro paragraph (include your thesis statement and a sentence or two on the main ideas of each body paragraph as well as a strong opening hook should you deem it neccessary) and we can take a look at it.
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

Thank you so much for including the whole prompt.

The first paragraph is all plot summary. You need to have your thesis here that explains what the meanings of Holden's fantasy's are. I see you kind of answer that question in the conclusion but it needs to be in the intro.

Most of this essay seems to be plot summary. Don't overuse quotes. Quotes should help prove a point that you are trying to make and for every quote you should have meaningful analysis. I see that you did try to analyze some of the quotes but it seems like when you are summarizing plot you use quotes just to prove that what you are saying actually is in the book. We believe you and don't need textual evidence for this. What we need is evidence that supports an idea that YOU came up with about the book.

The body paragraphs need to be more focused. Each body paragraph must begin with a topic sentence that connects to your thesis statement. All quotes that are included in each body paragraph must support the idea presented by it's topic sentence. One thing that I like to do is make sure that every topic sentence answers a "why" question. This generally makes the ideas more meaningful. For example:

"Several times throughout the book, Holden pretends or imagines he has a life-threatening physical ailment because_______."

It's not enough to talk about what happened in a book and all the examples for it. You must answer why these things happened.
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To organize the first thing you should do is come up with your thesis.

What I would do if I were you is write your thesis statement then write all of the topic sentences of your body paragraphs then post those on here and we will take a look. (Remember: topic sentences are like mini thesis statements for each paragraph that operate under the main thesis of your paper. The topic sentences represent one main idea that your paragraph will talk about. For sanity's sake only include one main idea in each body paragraph.)

Now this technique is up for debate as some people like to freewrite paragraphs then find out what the main idea was after they are done. Problem is freewrites are hard to keep organized and on track unless you are a pro at improvising without going off topic. I cannot do this. I always start with a topic sentence and build from there.

So again, if you want I would first post:
1. thesis statement
2. topic sentences
Then we can go one step at a time.
Gautama   
Mar 12, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To me, it doesn't sound like your thesis answers the prompt. You need to explain what the purpose of his fantasies are. You say he falls into his fantasy world. Why does he create this world? What is its purpose to him? Try to go deeper than just: He creates fantasies to escape from a world that he cannot fit into. If you follow that thesis the paper will just be about examples of him escaping from reality and not about WHY he chooses these delusions. Even if you do go deep enough to answer these questions later in you paper it still needs to be in your thesis statement. You should not introduce new ideas outside your thesis.

Answer these:
"Holden's imagination runs wild as he tries to find a way to fit in with ordinary people, but he goes to far and ends up falling into his own fantasy world because _______."

"Holden has trouble relating to the people around him, so he fantasizes about the possibility of escaping the phoniness of the city and going somewhere peaceful with someone he can get along with because _______."

Also all the body paragraphs need to answer different aspects of the prompt. Don't tell us things that are obviously given in the plot of the book. Body 2, for instance, just sounds like plot summary. You need to tell us WHY he fakes life-threatening physical ailments. What are his reasons for pretending that his mental problems are physical problems? Why does he believe that curing fake physical problems will help his mental conditions. Every time you answer a question ask why again. Every time you answer the next why-question you have taken your paper to a deeper level.

(I don't know, lol. Maybe I am being to harsh for the level you are at right now. These are the kind of problems my teachers try to make me push through.)
Gautama   
Mar 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

The only people I have a problem with are those who say they know that they are right. I don't believe in god but I think that atheists are just as deluded as the next guy.

Its healthy to believe in something as long as you don't take yourself to seriously because its really impossible to know about this stuff for sure. When you gain the courage to allow your beliefs to constantly be challenged (and even be scrapped for new ones all together when need be) you cease to be religious and instead become philosophical.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Is it just me or is Mustafa being really disrespectful and unnecessarily mean?

Seriously, you are a smart guy with interesting things to say but you have no right to personally attack the moderators of these forums.

Everything you said up until the last five lines was really interesting and of value. Then you go on a rant to attack Sean that is completely unnecessary.

"Don't alienate people with BS."
"You're welcome to tell us your opinion, but don't state it as fact. That's appealing to your authority as a writer, ok?"

----Do you want him to write "In my opinion in front of every sentence or something? This is a debate. We are all arguing our own opinions. You seem perfectly comfortable with presenting your own ideas as "facts" so don't police everybody else about it.----

"You're not in your right capacity to speak authoritatively about something that no one can claim with any dignity to be an authority on."

----This is another example of hipocrisy. If he has no right to speak authoritatively about this stuff then you don't either. (And believe me, you keep trying to speak in the most authoritative manner you can muster.) This is a DEBATE, we aren't stating our opinions as if they are facts. Otherwise there would be nothing to debate.----

"If you must belittle people's beliefs, do it on your own time, not while you have that Essayforum.com tag and people might make the mistake of believing that your nonsensical blabber is any more credible than the next idiot Sam, Sean, or Shaw."

----This is the most hypocritical comment of them all. You say not to belittle others then you go right ahead and belittle Sean's moderator status on this site, call his well written and thought out arguments "nonsensical blabber", and then indirectly call him an idiot.----

So I leave you with one question: What is your problem? If we are having a debate why can't you respect other people and respond to their arguments with logic (which I know you are capable of doing) instead of personal attacks? I think you are way out of line, my friend.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Topic for UTSA Engineering; Three People [4]

Well you could just write three different paragraphs for the three different people you choose. This would have each paragraph stand on its own and they would not be connected to each other.

That may be to risky, however. You might want to find out what these 3 people all have in common for you. Think about what makes people into good teachers, from your experience, and how the people you picked share these characteristics. This would allow you to write an intro paragraph talking about all 3 and their "common" attributes and then the 3 body paragraphs that elaborate on each person individually.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Ok now I see your side, Mustafa. What Sean did (though I don't think he was really trying to challenge anyone) was irresponsible. He used a sneaky tactic by quoting someone else then agreeing with what they said. He basically did say that religion is insane which is irresponsible as a moderator.

And believe me, I do have things in my life that I would take great personal offense to where they to be called "insane" so I understand your response, I really do.

I do still stick with what I said earlier about the coarsness of your language. You say this:

"When you read what I say, make sure to read it twice, because more often than not it's easy to overlook the point that I'm trying to get across and instead focus on the manner in which I get it across. So, save yourself some unnecessary affront and make sure you understand what I'm saying for what I'm trying to say."

Mustafa, you cannot say things however you wish to say them and then just make it everyone else's problem if they find you offensive. That is a problem that you have in interpersonal communication, not everyone else. You have to take responsibility for how you talk to people(and it's not always about just flat out attacking someone. It's also about the little covert assides that are vitriolic and are meant to be combative and belittling)

You cannot say things in a hurtful or coarse way and then say: listen, just read it again and disregard all the rudeness. When I read the past debates between you and Sean I detected no hostility in Sean's comments at all as he was trying to counter your arguments. Your responses seemed to be full of comments that were designed to try to get a rise out of people. Those would be much better examples of intelligent debate if we could go back and cut out all of the unnecessary assides and hostile language.

And hey, maybe you really don't mean to be coarse. So what? You still are and need to go back and "make sure to read [your comments] twice" to be respectful to the other people who show you the same courtesy.
Gautama   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / a psychology research paper [3]

Since the beginning of human existence on the surface of the world, people have found ways to alter their bodies and minds by taking substances like drugs and alcohol.

As time passes by andwheretechnologybecomes more advanced every day , people start to take these substances for granted.

Instead of for the uses of medication, they now use these substances for the sake of entertainment which not only causes harm to themselves but to the other people around them as well.

Psychoactive substances can lead to a dependence syndrome, which is a cluster of behavioral, cognitive and physiological phenomena that develop after repeated use ofsubstances such as marijuana, heroin and alcohol.

These are just a few corrections to get you started. Reread your essay and pay special attention to you usage of tenses. You switch between present and past tense in the first paragraph alot and it can get confusing. For example:

"As time passes by where everything is getting advanced every day, people start to take these substances for granted. Instead for the uses of medication, they used these substances for the sake of entertainment which not only causes harm to themselves but as well as the people around them."

----The first sentence is in the present tense but then the second sentence switches to past tense. If you are talking about the same "people" in the same timeframe you must choose only one tense.----
Gautama   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay for TOEFL: "establishing a new university in your community" [5]

There are many advantages to setting up the university such as more opportunities for people in the community to pursue their studies and the creation of jobs.

"If you would like to attend a business school, you have to travel across the country to get to a distant university. He or she definitely can get in the business school in the proposed community's university."

----Here you have "you" as the subject of the first sentence. Then in the second sentence, although you are still refering to the same individual, you use "he or she" as the subject. Just pick one.----

"Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, employees and etc."
----Professors would be considered employees so to list these two things seems redundant. I would change the above sentence to something like this:----

Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, janitors, security, and other such faculty.

More waste will have to be managed. Maybe the crime rate will also increase.

Overall very good job and no really major mistakes. You might want to try to work on combining some of your smaller sentences into larger ones. Example:

"Thus, a number vacant positions need to be filled. Also there will be more opportunities to work in the community."
----could become this----
"Thus, a number vacant positions will need to be filled which means there will be more opportunities to work in the community."

----or----

"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services. This can also help stimulate the local economy."

----could becomes this----
"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services which can also help stimulate the local economy.
Gautama   
Mar 18, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

To add to what Sean said you could look at specifically who succeeds and who fails in getting their revenge. Maybe they all succeeded on a certain level and then failed on another level. When you examine each character you can ask yourself these questions:

1. What was this character's original plot for revenge?
2. Did this plot succeed? (Maybe it succeeded but did not bring about the results the character intended.)
3. Was the character satisfied?
4. Was the character justified in wanting revenge? (Also was the severity of the revenge plot appropriate for the crimes commited against the plotter?)
5. What did the character learn from the results of his/her revenge?
6. Why did the character succeed?
7. Why did the character fail?

These all deal with character growth which should be very important in your essay. How does revenge affect character growth?
Gautama   
Mar 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Motivation to Business Studies; Degree at JKP [8]

Please include the whole and complete prompt.

To my mind, JKP is the convergence of my dream, my liking, and my ambition.
----Ambition to do what? Also, JKP is not the convergence of these things, it is your desire to attend JKP that is caused by this convergence.----

JKP is very meaningful to me because it not only supplies an outstanding education but also canbring me an environment that I have always desiredsincethe childhood.

----You should probably not refer to yourself here as if JKP has already given these things to you. Say that either they "can" give you these things or that they give these things to other people.----

When I was a child, I often read Chicken Soup for the Soul, a kind of book writing about the meaning of life.

Life is always filled with manyhardships but it does not lack fruits behind .

----I would suggest completely rewriting the above sentence or just removing it.----

Therefore, I need to try very hardtry to achieve the goals of my life.

The chance of success seems less when I realize that each of us can only live once .

One time for reaching dream by trying and risking. Growing up in a poor country, I see the way my sisters grow up, studying and getting married for the fulfillment of duty rather than personal desire.

Without reason, I do not want to follow their way which older persons in my town consider suitable for girls.
----Do you really not have a reason to not want to follow in your sister's footsteps? Perhaps you meant "with good reason". But then you need to state the reason.----

I want to live my life in a different way.

However rough or hard it is, I still want.
----You still want what?----

I want to do something which makes me try continuously all my life so that when I am old, I can look back and smile with satisfaction .

Many nights I thought a lot about what I could do to change my life, to escape from the old lifestylethat many women in my country have lead.

Finally, I found a way that is studying abroad.
----A way to do what?----

However, with my family's current financial situation , I cannot easily to afford to study abroad.

Time goes by, I grew up and went to Ho Chi Minh city- a big city in my country to enter into university with an burning dream in my heart.

----What is your dream? Also this sentence seems a little out of place.----

In fact, I have always believed that if I try non-stop for something, it will happen .

----These are just a few corrections to get you started----
One big thing you keep referring to is your "dream". Tell us about your dream and explain exactly what it is.
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Hello there. My prompt is this:
Carefully read the central argument of Perkins and then choose a theory seen in Goldstein's chapter three. (my textbook) Find a theoretical critique of Perkins and explain why this theory would have a problem with the EHM argument. Your response essay should be at least 500 words long.

I chose Marxism. (just for kicks, Im not a marxist)

In his novel, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, the author, John Perkins, paints a dark and disturbing picture of US foreign relations. It is a world where a coalition between big business and government work just as the mafia would to economically and politically beat all global opposition into submission. It is the idea of hegemonic stability that drives US corporations to drive poorer nations deep into debt so that they can be called upon later for non-monetary payments. (I.e. U.N. votes, access to oil reserves, and other such "national interests".) Perkins claims to have lived the life of an "economic hit man" by travelling to developing countries around the world under the "technical" employ of a multinational corporation. Once there, EHMs proceed as the agents of their real employers, the US corporatocracy, to help them in their quest for economic imperialism and domination. Such a quest is pursued under an offensive realist perspective through the extortion, manipulation and exploitation of smaller and less wealthy countries no matter the cost. From a Marxist perspective the actions and realist justifications of John Perkins are hugely flawed on a fundamental level. What the realist logic that Perkins uses to justify the further impoverishment and exploitation of 3rd world countries fails to take into account is the dynamics of the ruling class/lower class relationship. This is because as destabilization occurs throughout the world, the malcontent of lower class nations rises. This malcontent breeds inevitable class warfare which creates the risk of revolution, war, and the destruction of our foreign assets.

The hegemonic ideal that Perkins' realism strives for only promotes stability in the short term. In the long term it breeds resentful enemies and decadent states that later lead to global problems. The anarchy that states following an offensive realist pattern take advantage of is the very thing that causes the instability that will be the downfall of Perkin's argument. Marxists would argue that this anarchy creates a division of wealth between those nations who have the power to take such wealth and those who do not. The solution to such a situation would be a completely multilateral revolution in economic systems. Other nations would need to be completely self sufficient, stable and independently wealthy to assure the security of the assets and trades that we have with them. Hegemonic domination is simply a global tyranny with the most powerful nations being the ruling class who exploit the lower classes and spread dangerous dissatisfaction. As the corporatocratic alliance of government and big business takes over the world, smaller nations will lose their citizens' basic necessities such as food and education. This creates populations full of angry and uneducated people who will be easily manipulated and highly motivated for action. Needless to say, without education this action will most likely be violent and destructive to US interests.

Offensive realism is not only the wrong way to help the United States but it is also the wrong way to help the rest of the world as well. Perkins' argument is simply immoral from the Marxist perspective as it seeks to undermine anyone it the way of self preservation. As the historical documents of the United States profess the equality of man like no other nation its government would logically be expected to attempt the promotion of the well beings of all people equally around the world. This is an impossibility with the logic that Perkin's operates under as an EHM. Dominating and controlling other nations through military and economic bullying from this standpoint is obviously un-American and furthermore anti-Christian. (Seeing as how the United States was originally formed as a Christian nation the extent to which Jesus would be disgusted with the offensive realist strategy that the US government now pursues is definitely worth noting.) If it can be claimed that Perkins has betrayed his realist government by revealing its true nature in his book, one could just as easily claim that through realism, the conspirators comprising the current corporatocracy (for which the US government must be held accountable) have betrayed the founding fathers.

The US government should, theoretically, be working to spread American ideals. Offensive realism is not only un-Marxian but also un-American. So what is it? What ideals is this corporatocracy trying to spread? It is the old and ruthless idea of imperialism through crippling control and brutal power politics. If we were to set aside all of the amoral activities that are detailed in Perkin's novel offensive realism is still a very dangerous way to "work for US interests." Hegemony only births instability in the long run which can potentially destroy the local populations that the corporatocracy manipulates as well as the very assets that they gain from such hegemony. Everyone loses in such a system.
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Ok this might actually turn out to be more interesting. Marx never directly stated that capitalism was evil but he did predict a certain progression that societies would transition through. You could argue that this progression would be evidence of social "progress" which implies that things are getting better. He does not state this directly but it could be induced.

Or you could say that a Marxist would suggest that capitalism and imperialism, specifically in the form of offensive realism, are immoral from the perspective of the American ideal (which has been influenced by christianity) because exploitation occurs which promotes a form of slavery and economic class separation. This does not promote the freedom and equality that Americans hold so dear to their hearts and makes the American dream impossible for the majority of the population. A Marxist might not view that as immoral but he/she would point out that a patriotic American would be contradicting themselves if they did not.

Talking about Perkins' realist arguments being un-American or un-Christian would then be more relevant as a Marxist would take those two forms of thought and show how they are contradictory to the philosophy of an offensive realist by using the logic of Marx himself. Perhaps that would be a truer Marxist critique?
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Scholarship / What is the biggest obstacle that have had to overcome in Life? [10]

"So as I sort out the biggest obstacle I think of my biggest challenge."
--this seems a little unnecessary. Its like you are kind of just playing with semantics here--

"In addition, even while I selected my divorce as my biggest challenge, I am not sure if I would call it that."
--But you just did call it that. Its like saying, "I would say that my biggest problem is math, but I am not sure if I could say that." If you don't want to talk about the divorce because you dont think it was your biggest challenge then just don't bring it up at all.--

I attended a business school instead and received a certificate of completion six months later.

"In addition, within the same year, I was married and eighteen years later I was walking out the door."
--I see that you clarify what door you are walking out of later in this paragraph but here it just causes confusion. Try rewording this so that the reader knows you are talking about the fact that you were walking away from your marraige. (I initially thought you meant you were quitting your job or something.)--

Overall I think you have a good story here but it is unfocused. Maybe it's just me but I got the impression that you were not going to talk about your divorce because you stated that you wouldn't call it your biggest challenge. Also this seems more like a life story rather than a particular instance. Make it clear that you believe your divorce should be the main topic of this paper and why. Also narrow your time frame down so that you only talk about the immediate events that lead up to and follow that time period. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

I always thought of the American ideal as that you reap what you sow and if you work hard enough you can become wealthy. With exploitation this is not the way the system works.(except in a limited number of cases.)

And, yes, my wording was off. Offensive realism wouldn't really be "anti-Christian" but as you said it would be certainly "un-Christian". When I think of what is "Christian" I just wonder what Jesus himself would say. The Roman Catholic Church doesn't really fit in with alot of what Jesus originally preached so I don't use them as my example for being Christian or un-Christian. I personally like to think that if Jesus were alive today he might endorse communism or socialism rather than capitalism. (Think how funny it was that during the Cold-War it was the non-religious group (soviet union) who attempted* to live Jesus's message closer than the United States (being founded with Christian morals) would ever would!) I feel like I'm going to get into trouble for that little comment but when I hear about books like The Gospel of Wealth I just can't help myself.

*of course it did not work and some of Stalin's activities would be obviously quite un-Christian.
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Yeah, I would state exactly what you would do with that money? What is it that you would specifically improve about the library? (expanding certain selections of books, lights, new chairs, etc.)
Gautama   
Mar 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

Admittedly, men play an increasingly key role in the raising of children in the modern day , of which there has been an increase in general awareness.

Compared with women, men are most necessary if children are to appreciate fully the roles of both sexes, seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition and get ready for adventure ahead of them.

The above sentence sounds really strange to me. You say men are compared with women here and then you say that men are "most necessary". As if women are not necessary? I think the point is that men are necessary in their own right because if you say that men are the most necessary in comparison to women it sounds like you are saying that men are more important than women. Also, how do men help their children "seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition"? Don't fathers try to help give their children direction and purpose in life? A parentless child would "seek blindly" but a child with parents would recieve guidance from parents seeking to avoid having their children go "blindly" through life.
Gautama   
Mar 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

The problem is that we all have different family situations. For instance I am much closer to my father than I am to my mother. You may have had a personal experience where you had a closer relationship with your mother but that is not the case for everyone.

I really want Kirin to post his revision so we can see what he has done with the paper.

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