Undergraduate / By being a part of the Madison community I have the best chance to make a difference [3]

The University of Wisconsin Madison, to me, is the perfect college , and I know I'm a true badger at heart.

It is my dream to pursue a college degree at UW Madison because of my goal to work with professional engineers and physicists on a team focused on alternative energy, primarily nuclear power . Doing this would jumpstart my future career in nuclear or chemical engineering .

By becoming a part of the Madison community I will have the best chance to make a difference, both in myself, and in this world . It will be ...

You can work on your reasons for choosing the University of Wisconsin at Madison. Please elaborate on the following. Why is it the perfect college? How does it complement your goal of working with professional engineers and physicists? How can the University of Wisconsin at Madison jumpstart your career in nuclear or chemical engineering? Why will you have the best chance to make a difference in yourself and in the world at this particular university?

Undergraduate / For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP [6]

The back talking to your best friend caught me off guard. However, overall, I found your essay compelling. It's a personal account of an incident that became central to your identity. Thus, in my opinion, you successfully answered the prompt. It's not too much. It's adequately detailed. It makes sense.

If I may make one suggestion, I recommend that you work on improving the flow of your essay, that is, smooth out any and all inconsistencies. I encountered several "bumps" as I was reading. Toward the end, you never mention how your feelings toward your brother have changed. How's your relationship with your family now? In the first and second paragraph, it sounds as if you're blaming your parents for neglecting you. The third paragraph gives the impression that you wouldn't have been sexually assaulted had your parents been more controlling. You mentioned that you ignored your family; however, weren't they already ignoring you? Such inconsistencies weaken your essay.

This is only my opinion. In a way, I can see the point that you're trying to make. Out of turmoil, you discovered self-reliance. You found strength from your hardships. You're independent. You're intelligent. Curious, though. How did that particular experience make you softhearted? In addition, you wrote that you're now in the driver seat of your own life, but from the beginning toward the end of your essay, it sounds as if you were always in the driver seat. You simply learned to be a better driver.

So why do you want to go to college? How does your desire to want to go to college connect with your identity now? What effects, if any, will college have on your identity?

Undergraduate / my body | CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

You've written a wonderful piece. It's touching. I'm curious to know whether it's true.

I liked it so much that I decided to help you improve the flow. Below you will find my suggestions on possible ways to rephrase your paragraphs. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.


I sigh as I turn away from the mirror and rummage through my closet again. There has to be something in here that won't make me look as big as I am. Something to hide my stomach. After slamming the closet door, I slowly turn to face myself in the mirror. All I see is a fat girl crying.


I've always considered myself a fat girl. In school, I stood out from the rest of my classmates. I darted through hallways just to avoid hearing people tease me about my flabby body. No one loved me.


I did everything I could to lose weight, from dieting to exercising, but each failure succeeded in destroying my self-esteem. Doctors told me I'm obese. They would heave me onto a scale and then proceed to chastise me about the need to stay healthy. They can wear shorts and attractive bathing suits. They don't have to wear jeans and baggy shirts every day to hide unsightly folds and deep crevices.


My gaze remains transfixed on the magazine covers of thin women in sexy lingerie. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel so sorry for who I am and what I look like? Does society really think I'm undesirable? I'm not alone. There are many women out there who live their lives locked away at home, too afraid to be seen by the world.


Yes, it's unlikely that I'll ever be able to look like the models on magazines, who strut down runways in sexy lingerie. However, that doesn't mean I can never be beautiful in my own way. Instead of angular planes and firm skin, I have soft curves. Instead of gaps between my thighs, I have ones that caress.

Until I can look in the mirror and smile at what I see, I will always have storm clouds over my head. Instead of constantly pointing out my flaws, I have to learn to accept them. I have to learn to love them because I will never be that kind of woman.


I'm fat, and that's okay.

Writing Feedback / Liberty or Rules- Which is better? [3]


Could you please clarify what you mean by "freedom of our state of mind" and "state of righteousness"? Freedom and righteousness can be very subjective terms. They mean different things to different people.


Could you please clarify what you mean by "imagined state of nature"? How far does this freedom go and how far would you be willing to retain this freedom? You address this in one of the following paragraphs but not sufficiently enough. Other questions to think about: Is freedom an illusion? How do you know you're not free? What are the signs?


Could you please elaborate on how rules bind us, how regulation controls extremities, and how liberty frees us? You need to support your assertions with concrete examples.




You may want to combine these three into a single paragraph. Perhaps you could also list examples of dreams that are bounded by the chains of law. How did you make the distinction between favorable and vile acts? Getting revenge could be someone's dream. In this paragraph, you may need to refine your logic.


This paragraph raises an important question: What type of freedom are you referring to throughout your essay? Are you talking about religious freedom, social freedom, political freedom, and so on? So far it seems as if you're talking about freedom in general (i.e., "freedom of our state of mind" and "state of righteousness"); however, in reality, one could argue that there are many types of freedoms, some permissible and others not. Moreover, who gets to decide?


You don't explicitly mention anything about regulation in your introduction. Perhaps that's something you may want to take into consideration when you revise. In addition, your stance on the issue isn't clear. I get the feeling that you're for regulating "liberty," but in the body paragraphs of your essay you appear to be on the fence. If you're going to argue for regulating people's freedoms, you'll need to structure your essay in that way. This is only my suggestion. Perhaps other members of the forum feel differently.

Nonetheless, I like your writing style. You can poetically articulate your thoughts. You're emphatic in the way you communicate with your readers. However, you may want to take that into consideration as well, that is, the tone of your essay. Is it appropriate for the topic at hand? Should it be more concrete than abstract? Should it be more detached instead of personal? I hope I was able to help in some way.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The line chart shows popularity of fast food among Australian young people [2]


The line chart below illustrates the kinds of fast food that Australian teenagers consume every year.


Notably, the number of times that Australian teenagers ate pizza and hamburgers increased. Fish and chips, on the other hand, decreased.

Graduate / I hear-I forget. I do-I learn : evaluate SOP for graduate admission [3]

Would you be able to provide the prompt (if any)?

Essays / Can you help write a descriptive essay about me? Conclusion. [8]

You could go beyond superficial descriptions about yourself by delving deeper into your hopes, aspirations, and feelings about the world. I make this suggestion because it seems as if that's what the essay is doing. As you move from one paragraph to the next, the topics grow more abstract. Thus, unlike the previous paragraphs, things such as your hopes, aspirations, and feelings about the world would require you to talk about things that do not have a physical or concrete existence. Any of these could make a wonderful conclusion.

Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [4]

If you incorporate all of vangiespen's suggestions into your revised essay and then post it again in this thread, I'll offer additional comments.

Essays / Assignment to write a practice college "describe myself" essay - I need help starting out [3]

As a writer, you shouldn't worry so much about getting your essay perfect the first time. It's a gradual process. You can be as open or as reserved as you want. How would you describe yourself? Are you an emotional person? What do you want to be when you grow up? Since it's a practice essay for college, you may want to talk about the type of person you are in relation to the university of your choice. What is it about you that makes you want to go to this university? Do you enjoy the outdoors? Do you enjoy collaborating with other like-minded people? Do you consider yourself to be a hard worker? Are you a simple person or do you prefer glamour, fame, and fortune?

Take some time to think about this. Going to college is a big decision, and you want to make sure that you're going to college for the right reasons. Spend a day or two thinking about who you are, what you want to do, and where you'd like to go. While you're doing that, also take the time to write down your thoughts in a journal. After 2 to 3 days, you should have enough material to write your college essay.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: The reasons that people visit museums. [5]

I like your supporting reasons; however, both the conclusion and the introduction could be better. I highlighted areas that I didn't understand in red. Please let me know whether you have any questions.

Undergraduate / Delirious - The Common App Essay #2 Struggle! Me and my Mountains [5]

Just read your post. Would you still like someone to look over your essay?

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern/Penn? Communications major [7]

Wishing you the very best with your educational and professional pursuits.

Undergraduate / Church Street Marketplace - Barnard and Tufts Supplement, Similar Questions? [3]

I like your essay too. "...no matter where I am." Touching.

I suggest that you check again to make sure you're using contractions (e.g., I am, I'm) consistently throughout your essay.

Undergraduate / "What are you doing? Go away!" Personal statement- Relationship with brother [6]

Your essay touched me. It's excellent.

Undergraduate / The first day I came to New Zealand - UC Personal Statement [16]

I like your personal statement. In my opinion, you answered the prompts satisfactorily.

Undergraduate / (rigorous and unsurpassed education system) First generation [4]

I feel as if this paragraph has a lot of flowery language. You could improve its content in several ways. Here are some suggestions.

I used to be that annoying kid who would tirelessly asked those incessant 'but why' questions. Truthfully, I am proud to say that I still am. While my 'why's are now 1bolstered by contradicting evidence and my voice is no longer at a piercing pitch , my unwavering curiosity still remains firmly intact. As well as a curious learner, I am also an active learner. As I ponder 2abstruseHow about obscure? , theoretical concepts 3I learn in the classroom, my mind races to unravel the 4technicalities involved in a practical applicationThis is awkward . My curiosity is not prejudice, my interestsencompassHow about "consists of"? a range of subjects: from the convoluted and tragic tales of Greek mythology to the arguably more 5convoluted and tragicWhy tragic? theories of evolution.

Undergraduate / The first day I came to New Zealand - UC Personal Statement [16]

tbtehfdl77

Do you want a simple critique of your personal statement?

Undergraduate / "What are you doing? Go away!" Personal statement- Relationship with brother [6]

I like your essay a lot. It flows nicely from beginning to end.

But do you need to make it broader? I don't think so.

Undergraduate / College Green; Brown U - TRANSFER - Neuroscience [8]

I am hoping the same thing as well! Please keep us posted on their final decision.

Undergraduate / College Green; Brown U - TRANSFER - Neuroscience [8]

Congratulations! Did you apply anywhere else as a backup?

Essays / Death Penalty - Argumentative Essay Outline/ Need ideas! [8]

My pleasure. By the way, I realized that I wrote you're instead of your in my second post. Ha.

Research Papers / The Dark Side of Your Most Needed Privilege (Negatives of Technology) / RESEARCH [3]

What is your teacher's preferred citation style?

Research Papers / Research on death penalty in Singapore - Need advice for the start [7]

Did your teacher provide you with a prompt? If so, could you please post it?

Essays / Death Penalty - Argumentative Essay Outline/ Need ideas! [8]

Congratulations, you've just written a wonderful draft conclusion. Refine it later so that it is a bit more concise and recognizable.

However, keep in mind that you're professor is expecting your paper to argue why you find the death penalty unjust. Take this into consideration when constructing your intro and body paragraphs. Ask yourself, "How will I lead up to the point that I want to make in my conclusion?"

For now, give me four reasons as to why you believe it is wrong. You could also cite one or two scientific studies to back up your claims.

Essays / Death Penalty - Argumentative Essay Outline/ Need ideas! [8]

You could write about that, arguing why you believe the death penalty to be unjust.

If you'd like, I can help you develop your ideas. What are some alternatives to the death penalty?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Integrated task; Garlic has beneficial properties [2]

Since I wasn't there for the reading passage and lecture, I won't comment on the accuracy and completeness of your response. But you did follow their guidelines. My recommendation would be to work on your sentence structure and language usage. Doing so might improve the flow of your writing.

Essays / Death Penalty - Argumentative Essay Outline/ Need ideas! [8]

Do two wrongs make a right?

Writing Feedback / Why should we prefer English language over other language? [7]

The question is, "Why should we prefer English language over other language?" In your essay, you justify English as a global language, but you do not argue why it should be preferred.

On another note, you could refine the paragraphs you have now. Indeed, you're off to a good start. Keep going!

Miscellaneous comments:

Why is English considered to be a "secondary language"? Who considers it to be a "secondary language"?

Essays / What makes a better essay? / Need Advice [5]

If I were to ask you about your favorite kind of ice cream, what would you say?

Now how would you go about explaining your rationale?

Lastly, how would you conclude everything you just said?

Simple as 1, 2, and 3: Thesis, body, and conclusion.

Undergraduate / Silence!! Uchicago/ COMMON APP [6]

I'd like to offer a few suggestions for improvement:

1) I sat crouched to one side of the auto rickshaw...

2) All the while, I had said nothing.

3) I listen to my heart thumping loudly, like somebody's stretching it.

Grammar, Usage / (Julia Law and Psychology..) - WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE? [5]

I'd separate these into two or three sentences.

This quirky professor wastes no time being bored. Last summer he decided to discuss other things besides law and psychology with Julia.

Writing Feedback / Successful Women in Saudi Arabia [6]

Although I saw more than one error in your essay, I commend you for doing a great job overall.

Good flow and organization. Enlightening.

Undergraduate / 'How would you benefit from and contribute to...' - Rutgers Essay [2]

You were, in fact, living in a diverse community. You argued that yourself when you wrote about the differences in languages and appearances of the children: "At times, it was hard to make friends because everyone either spoke a different language or practiced a foreign custom." Try viewing this paragraph from another perspective. You felt alienated because the people around you were so different. Perhaps diversity isn't the right word to use here. Perhaps you should rephrase these sentences to make your point clearer. Just a suggestion.

Undergraduate / 'family history' - UCF College Application [2]

For some people, it's distracting to read a repeated phrase, especially after it has already been used in the previous sentence (e.g., my parents, love and encouragement). Work on eliminating redundancies.

Blue text is a recommendation to revise.

Conclusion still needs refining; that is, your essay has a somewhat unsatisfactory conclusion. You briefly talked about how this experience has emboldened you and your dreams, but you may also want to explain further your interest in medical technology (i.e., substantiate your goals).

Keep in mind: I might have missed a few things, so review my edits carefully!

PS: Although I edited this draft, that doesn't mean it's a final draft.

Undergraduate / 'coming out of my shy stage' - MY UC PERSONAL #2 [5]

Here are a few suggestions to help you brainstorm: cordial, loquacious, resolute, and inquisitive.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Actually, I had plans of providing you with a thoroughly revised version of this essay. But seeing as it has already been submitted, I suggest that you not worry about it anymore. Now its success depends on the judges. If you win an award, congratulations will be in order. If nothing is awarded, you'll inevitably move on with your life and participate in other opportunities.

Wouldn't you agree that this experience was nonetheless worthwhile?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Carlos, I hope all is well!

How many people have seen your recent essay?

Undergraduate / 'My handwriting is mine' - My Common App Topic of Choice [2]

Intriguing essay. You used an unconventional topic to make yourself stand out. In my opinion, you've earned brownie points for being such a creative writer!

But I'm concerned about how readers may perceive your attitude in the final paragraphs. You may have inadvertently contradicted yourself; that is, you demonstrated not only a lack of impartiality (i.e., open-mindedness) when it comes to accepting others' advice but also the inability to collaborate with people. Basically, one way a reader may perceive this well-written essay is that you prefer to work alone, according to your own standards for success.

We, in fact, live in an interdependent global society. The welfare, success, and happiness of others will inevitably contribute to our own. To do this we must work together, and an effective way of broadening our perceptions of the world and the people in it would be through education, in this case a college education. Admissions committees want to know whether or not a candidate's talents and personality will fit the image of their school.

That's the general understanding of how the admission process works anyway.

Undergraduate / 'coming out of my shy stage' - MY UC PERSONAL #2 [5]

You simply made the decision to stop being glossophobic. Woke up one day and decided, "I'm going to stop being afraid." That's an impressive talent in of itself! Freeing oneself from counterproductive habits is usually met with hardship (i.e., gradual change).

In addition, it seems as if your essay is divided into two sections: public speaking and humbleness. I think you skipped one question, "What one word describes me best and captures my most important personal quality?" Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't this one word relate to the aforementioned personal quality (i.e., able to speak freely in public)? How does "humble" capture this "most important personal quality" of yours?