Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]

Posts by n00bl3t
Joined: Dec 27, 2008
Last Post: Jan 10, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 30  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 33
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Jan 10, 2009
Undergraduate / USC SHORT ANSWER - "to initiate a movement" [6]

Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why.

I have never been one to sit on the sidelines, and when I learned that my school did not have its own literary publication; I knew that I wanted to make a change. I have always enjoyed reading and exploring new worlds, and using writing as a mechanism for expression. I founded the Literary Magazine with a friend, who shared the same interests as me. The goal of the literary magazine, entitled The Pequod ( after my favorite book Moby Dick,) has always been to serve as an outlet for the students of my high school community. The Pequod allows students to speak their minds freely , highlight their artistic capabilities, and most of all be themselves. I know that when I leave my school, students will continue to have the ability to feature their creative writing, photography, artwork, and have their voices heard. The fact that I was able to initiate a movement, pursue my interests, and leave a legacy behind; this is exactly why The Pequod means so much to me.

Your answer to the prompt is direct and to the point. You were able to show a very unique activity you participate(d) and allowed further insight into your character. I think you did a job well done, so kudos! Good Luck.

Edit: if you can't really tell, um take out the "s" in voices in the line

...students will still be able to feature their creative writing, photography, artwork, and have their voices heard.

for parallel structure
Dec 31, 2008
Undergraduate / UCF essays (family history, why UCF) - Chinese culture [3]

"Your family history, culture, and environment helped mold the person you are today. The value of education has always been important to my family. Born to immigrants from China, I will be the first person in my family to ever go to college. My parents have worked really hard as a cook at a Japanese restaurant and a seamstress at an interior design shop to provide for my sister and I. My parents never had the opportunity to attend college, so they always stress how important education is.That way I can take advantage of the opportunities I have to become successful. But also, in order to be successful , you must work hard to reap the benefits; I am currently taking AP courses and college preparatory courses to challenge and motivate myself to become better."

For your answer to question #2 I feel that you were all over the place. I believe you can improve on the clarity of you work. You have good ideas and a great start, just try to focus on how family history, culture or environment influenced you. The key word there is or. So choose one of the things you wrote about and try to expand on how it has influenced you. "During the summer, my friend and I went to shop, see a movie, and have dinner. We met at UCF, the school she was attending , and little did I know that she planned a campus tour just for me. Every time we talked on the phone, I would hear nothing but wonderful things about UCF; from life-changing football games to seeing Panic at the Disco in concert."

UCF will be a home away from home. UCF stands for opportunity and an opportunity I can not pass up.

The answer for question #3 was quite good, I think you really hit the nail.
Good Luck.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / just a quick question about admission essay formats [9]

I leave titles out, and I put it double spaced, for reading ease.

Does Common Application have rules about how they want the Personal Essay uploaded? I haven't seen it.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / 'A veterinarian from Mountain View' - Stanford... why is it a good place for me? [5]

I think you should include more reasons that you want to go to Stanford. Not just because you think it has a "good name" and that you can have a good time off campus, when you aren't in the school. You should talk about how it will benefit you academically, how their resources can help you whether it is the Professors, Labs, etc.

Those are my two cents.

Good Luck Erika
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / common app essay - Robert Fulghum's essay [4]

Okay, in that case I think you answered the prompt.
Here are some corrections for you.

"Although the essay seems exaggerated, I agree that there are important lessons in kindergarten that have influenced my life. I learned about friendship, about responsibility, and most important, about the 'melting pot.'"

I think your conclusion is strong and you also used good analogies such as your Elementary School being like a "miniature UN."
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / commonapp essay, ("no a fascination with death") [3]

lol. Calm down, we are all trying to help as fast as we can (especially the moderators.) Please give them some time to get to yours, as they go through hundreds of thousands of essays. I also have deadlines for my essays too.

I like this start, you say you don't want to waste 500 words talking about how difficult it was, and by saying it you brought up the topic and got it over with in a few sentences.

"I believe you've read the story over and over again from other applications. Here I wish to explain why I like jumping off of a bridge."

"I do not have a fascination with death, nor do I have any suicidal tendencies, yet I loved throwing myself off the old brass bridge."

"I saw a heron glide onto the pebbly sand to rest, I saw the finch's tail flickup and down, I saw life without the burdens."

"I finally found what I had been looking for, but was too afraid to find. I was proud that I finally overcame the boundaries of limiting myself only to the banal but safe route, and I conquered my greatest fear, fear of having changes in my life."

Well good luck to you.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay ( The one with unlimited words ) [11]

Good essay, very good. I dare say it's one of the best ones I've read today.

Anyways, hmm...
You could make your intro stronger by putting more of a focus on how you were all about yourself.
"Till last week, I had one focus - to make sure - I make it to Carnegie Mellon, I do well on my exams, I maintain extracurricular interests, I, I, I...

I was all about myself.
Then, from an "I, Me and Myself" approach to life, a sudden twist of fate put things in a new perspective."
Good Luck
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App - "Cliff Solving"; being an assistant teacher to a third grade class [6]

I really liked this essay better than the other. Other than a few comma issues, it was great. I not only read the story, but I felt it, too.

Thanks Constance, your help is appreciated.

However, it was my first full time summer job that was paid.

Sure, I only applied for the job because it was fun, sort of laid-back, and my friends were working there as well.

How about that?

Wow, not bad, you took out most of my unnecessary words and "fluff" as Constance called it. Thanks a lot Kevin, I really appreciate the help you as well as the other Moderators have given.

Oh, and Kevin which essay do you think is better? This question also applies to anyone who feels like reading.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / NYU supplements .. 500 characters for all the answers [4]

"The summer of 2008 was my first summer in the U.S. This summer I visited India, my motherland and had a lot of fun. My vacation was special because I was doing charity work. As a volunteer in UANA, I was supposed to initiate a mass book donation program for a new public library in Uttarakhand state of India. I was also directed to select top students from each district of Uttarakhand to be awarded scholarships for their college education. I did all the aforesaid work and doing so made me feel highly satisfied."

First you say it was your first summer in the U.S. But the rest of the response doesn't mention anything about your summer here. So leave it out of the response.

The rest of your responses are fine. I think you answered the questions well, with your concise and to the point answers.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY- PERSONAL STATEMENT: Lebanon country [3]

"Isn't Lebanon where terrorists live? Doesn't everyone wear headscarves? Does everyone ride camels because it's in the desert?"

You typed in the wrong "wear," don't do what I did with my Lehigh University supplement and send it in with a typo. You will feel so stupid afterward, for having not grammar errors but a simple spelling error.

Otherwise, the other errors have been covered. Good Luck
Dec 30, 2008

well if the system says it's too long to be saved, it is either too long to be saved, or there is a bug with the system. Though I doubt the latter, you can try saving again at a later time. If it still doesn't work you might have gone over the limit. Use some sort of word processor to count it.
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / 1st draft common app esay: Sichuan Earthquakes [6]

I see that you are trying to make an effect. But it's unclear, so if you re-write it to be clearer, it should be fine.

Let me try to tackle it.

"with no reason other than to be a good friend."

It doesn't have the exact meaning but it's a start.
Good Luck!
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / 1st draft common app esay: Sichuan Earthquakes [6]

"...for no more reason than a friend would need to do you a favor."

this phrase that you used twice is a little confusing and awkward, I am not really sure how I would change it. But I do get the gist of what you are trying to say.

Over all this is a good peace and really shows what you learned from your experience.
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App - "Cliff Solving"; being an assistant teacher to a third grade class [6]

Here goes a second essay.

As I steadily descended from the mountain, I soon began to realize that what had originally started out as a recreational hiking adventure had turned into an epic struggle for survival. Such was the result of my group unknowingly veering away from the paved trail. The consequence was a journey that truly tested my strength and courage.

The date was August 16, 2008. My friends and I were hiking in the vicinity of the Catskill Mountains. The mountain we ascended was much steeper than I had earlier predicted. Our destination on the mountain was a pool area that was created naturally by an adjacent waterfall. Faulty navigation led us to the wrong destination: the top of the waterfall. Thus, we had to make our way down approximately 100 meters, and in efforts to get to the pool directly, we had departed from the safe trail.

The path that we had taken went along the mountainside where there was nothing but a rocky, downhill slope. It soon became apparent that we were at the flat edge of the mountain where one could fall and take quite a tumble. I was no longer hopping gaily from boulder to boulder. Instead I was crawling on all fours with extreme caution. The threatening steepness of the mountainside only factored into the danger. My frictionless sneakers did not help either.

Although I was experienced in working through tough situations, I was not having fun. As a matter of fact, I was absolutely terrified. I knew one slip could lead to my ultimate downfall, pun not intended. However, there was no turning back, nor giving up for that matter. There was only one way out: victory. To me, victory meant not only reaching the ever-so-desired pool, but also getting there intact and breathing.

My fear of heights made me very nervous, but I did not let that get the best of me. Instead, I treated the situation as I would a physics problem, one which contains a great deal of confusing and tricky scenarios with numbers left and right. Such a problem would make me nervous as well, at first. My first step to problem solving is always to grab a hold of myself and make sense of the situation. I am on a slope with a relatively low coefficient of friction and must achieve a negative displacement of 100 meters, but not too quickly. Next I determine how the problem must be solved. I must maintain equilibrium while moving at a steady downward velocity and prevent gravity from overcoming my force of friction. My final step is to execute the process consistently so as to prevent error.

That is the approach I had taken to safely make my way down. With nothing but scarce trees and rocks in my view, I grabbed hold of whatever I could find and followed my group. Eventually, I got the hang of it and decided to lead the crew. I did not realize, however, that this was not very wise. I had brought myself upon a platform sloped downward with a tree branch barely in my reach. When I looked down, it seemed as though I was staring into a bottomless pit. I lay back, trying not to slip, and was about to cry for help. With my last ounce of courage, I leaped and grasped the tree. As a held onto it with my left arm, I pulled one of my friends to safety with my right arm. For the remainder of the descent, we worked together, and with my mind focused and my body cooperating, I was able to make it to the bottom of the slope.

Victory was mine. Although I was able to relax in the pool, I had trouble sleeping for the next few weeks. Despite the trauma, I had a desire for adventure. Success in the face of fear makes me feel brave in the same way answering a physics problem makes me feel smart. Maybe I can pursue free-fall motion and try sky-diving.

My first essay is here https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/common-app-childhood-like-playground-think-4852/
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Students stretching limits' - UPenn Professor Short Essay [5]

I have a eternal love for teachers who continuously stimulate the student's mind, teach beyond the syllabus, and promote independent learning. Such teachers are usually very approachable, which I find to be very important in one's studies.


I hope that, just like my high school math teacher, she will provide me with sets and sets of problems so that I can sustain my genuine love for mathematics.

You might want to put in more of how the Professor you chose fits the category of "continuously stimulating student's mind."
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why rice social science? eh it seems too typical... [5]

The thirst for learning more about the human mind pushes me to seek out colleges and universities that will quench the thirst.

I feel you. That sounds a lot like a point I made in my Supplements to Lehigh and Syracuse. Anyways, I can relate to having this ravishing hunger that wants you to acquire knowledge in everything.

Well done. And Good Luck.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Penn: Professor and why? 'Mr. Diebold' [9]

Good enough? This is simply amazing. I felt that you really portrayed your interest of studying IB HL Economics and meeting with Prof. Diebold. Your interest seemed real and you seem to know what you are talking about. You did what you aimed for.

Good luck.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Not specified topic yet. [6]

Let's get on our newly invented time machine and come back to the summer of 2006 ...

Wow, we now feelIn the hot and sultry air of Hanoi's July, I see a young boy reading a text message on his cell phone. His face turns red, and white,is full of hopefulness but changes to disappointment. He found out that he hasn't received the score he expected on the National Secondary Final Exam; He was one and a half points away from being accepted to Hanoi-Amsterdam High School, the most prestigious high school in the country. Who's to blame for this big blow ? He had tried his best; he had spent countless nights studying and taking all the practice tests he could, only to be to be "almost admitted."

He suddenly recalled all his nearly accomplished tasks. Even when playing computer games, he hardly ever stuck to the end; there were always some other newer, more exciting games to attract him. He was always almost one of the best student in class, almost the best chess player, almost the champion in soccer and almost a popular guy among the girls. He lacked perseverance, I could tell.

I called him Mr. Almost.

Just so you know, we cannot use our time machine anymore, so I can only tell you the rest of the story based on my memory.

He felt like falling into hella complete failure when he got into Kim Lien High School with his almost excellent scores. Everyone said that it was not bad, after all Kim Lien is almost the best school. The only problem was that he did not love this long-established and honorable school, where everyone seemed to be stuck with only study. Hanoi-Amsterdam, on the other hand, was full of "smart" and "cool" kids who definitely did more than just stick their nose into their books. It was where he should be.

Silent and unnoticeable he turned into a reticent and introvert boy. He hesitated to make new friends, savoring bitterly his "failure." His frustration started to influenced his academic life. First semester, he almost got the Good Student title. That was again, almostAnother blow because he had won the title for ten consecutive years. Now he was just the ghost of the bubbly boy he once was; he knew he had to get out of this mess, but how?

Mr. Almost started playing basketball since then , hoping it would refresh his mind and help him forget all the shame. He signed up for Kim Lien Basketball team, as a newbie. Our Mr. Almost knew nothing about basket ball. The only advantage was that he was taller than most of his peers. He was dazzled by the skills of the seniors there. One problem was that no one could dunk, for they are a little bit short. Looking on the bright side, Mr. Almost decided that he would specialize in dunking. Besides thepracticing basic techniques, he also worked on improving his vertical jump. A few months passed; all he could do was "almost" touching the rim of the basket. His tendency to give up started to show, and he was daunted by the thought that he was doomed to only nearly achieving his goals from now on .

No. He resolved to change, and just kept practicing to achieve it . He looked to his shoes for motivation, as his shoes had big red capital letters that said "BELIEVE" on their soles. Believing was very important, for it changed his attitude towards everything.

Playing basketball also brought him new friends and helped he get along better with others in high school. He befriended other students in his class, and they helped him with his studies. He didn't feel isolated with the new environment anymore.

And Mr. Almost went without saying a word, leaving me behind.

My name is Thang, and in English it means to win. I finally received the Good Student title and continued to do so for all my high school years. I can't dunk yet, but I can touch the rim of the basket easily. From an unnoticed boy in class, I've become a popular kid; and recently won the position of Vice President through election.

Where are you Mr. Almost? He is gone, hopefully for good. Sometimes, however, I still thought of him as a historical friend, who
Mr. Almost taught me one very important thing:
"Half a truth is no truth at all; Half a success is no success at all."

It's a good idea for an essay, although it is quite a bit to read. I corrected some of your grammatical errors, and also made some changes to make the essay both shorter and easier to comprehend.

You might want to take out some unnecessary parts though, it still is very long.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / NYU application short answers (cutting the things I wrote down) [7]

One of the reasons I am actively engaged in numerous clubs because I, like my parents, have leadership skills. Just likeMy parents who bothwere both class presidents in high school and college. Following in their footsteps, I too enjoy leading people who need guidance. For example, I organized a club that helps new students adjust well to the school. Although, being a leader always requires fullmany responsibilities, it is worth doing, after all and I learn throughout the experience.

It might have lost its meaning. But you decide, the original sounded a little awkward so I tried to make it flow more.

"The song starts to play and I recall the feeling I had when I first heard this song: positivity and uplift coming from the great tune. Reluctant and shy to sing in front of many people, I try to be bold and strong just like the song says. 'You Gotta Be' by Des'ree has always been inspirational. It tells the truth: if you want to live a successful life, you gotta be wise, strong, challenging and loving. I wish I could live a life like this song: 'try and keep your head up to the sky.' Carpe diem! "

I would take out the last phrase. Otherwise this answer is really well written.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App - "Childhood's just like a playground. Think about it." [3]

Here goes my essay for, well I just pieced this essay together, so don't expect much.

The indentations go to whack...

"Childhood's just like a playground. Think about it."
- Unknown

------ My two-year-old brother, Jedidiah, loves the playground and it, by some means, became my responsibility to take him to the park. But I'm grateful for that because our times at the park, has led to the life realization that life is comparable to a playground. In the park, my brother relied on me for just about everything and I became someone who, for the moment, took my father's place. Spending time with my brother, in the simplicity of the children's playground, gave me an opportunity to glimpse at life and my father in a different light.

------ I was no longer the "child" in the playground; instead I was the "adult," the all-seeing eye and responsible. And so I watched his progression: from the swings, where I had absolute power over him, to the jungle gym, where I was on the "side lines" watching him play. He tried the slide with me at the bottom but soon, he didn't need me to catch his fall. He needed my hands to sturdy him as he walked, but soon he pushed my hands away. As he grew more daring and independent, I felt like I was watching myself. Though I once needed the refuge of someone waiting to catch me, I can now catch my own fall. I once needed that hand to help me balance on the right path in life, but I am now daring without it. From the times when my father had full control, I have reached a point in life where I am trying to find my own place in the world.

------ For many the playground is like our introduction to the world; we learn and mature until we are ready to leave the "playground" and become adults. I see now that, even though life is unpredictable and complex it can also be simple like a children's playground. Life is learning and growing through the different stages. Watching over my brother , I felt emotions that I know my father must have experienced my whole life: the responsibility of keeping a child safe, the joys of watching him make smile, the worries that he'll trip while running, and the sadness that came with the newfound independence. At those times, I understood my father: the calm, understanding parent; the strong, responsible man; the role mode that I continue to learn from. I am finally growing up, ready to leave the playground of life and move on, I know I will be able to find myself.

I don't really pay attention to my grammar, as I type how I think, so correct any grammatical errors if you can please.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Good education and hard work ' - my grandma, a significant person [5]

Many know this to be the typical manner of a grandma, always putting everyone before themselves. But this does not even begin to describe the sacrifices my grandmother has made for our family.


During World War II, my grandma and her family were ripped away from the family business and home in Pismo Beach, California. Overnight, they were ordered to abandon life as they once knew it and joined others of Japanese descent in an internment camps located across the country; theirs being in Poston, Arizona. During the later days of my grandma's internment, her mother had an aneurysm and died.


Whenever I encounter an obstacle I simply think of how it compares to the substantial difficulties my grandmother had to endure.

"In today's society, the medical field is considered to be one of the toughest programs that one can pursue, but I am determined to achieve my lifelong dream no matter how difficult the journey. With my grandma's character in mind I know I will succeed."

These lines seemed a little out of place to me, they didn't particularly connect or flow from the previous lines. Try to work on the flow a little bit. Otherwise it is a satisfactory essay.

Good Luck.
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Piano [15]

The content was very interesting and over all the piece was written well.

Good Job and Good Luck!
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / 'I can contribute tons in college' - Lehigh University Supplement Questions [NEW]

As you researched and visited colleges and universities, why did you decide to apply to Lehigh? Please give specific reasons. What contributions will you make during your time at Lehigh?

From what I have researched about Lehigh, more specifically the Rossin College of Engineering and Applied Sciences, I see that there is a vast amount of knowledge that I can gain at your school (through professors, students, and the other available resources.) Although my primary focus on attending would be Civil Engineering, I would like to push my education to the fullest, maximizing my potential. I have a yearning for learning, I guess you can relate to it as hunger, and my mind salivates at the thought of being at such accessible resources. Going being my field of engineering, I would like to gain more knowledge, whether it is studies in nanotechnology, Computer Engineering, or Electrical Engineering. I feel that at your school I will be able to learn at my full potential and that is why I chose to apply to Rossin College of Engineering and Applied Sciences at Lehigh University.

I can contribute tons in college, I should be able to contribute the tuition fees to the school and that's a lot of money (ha ha ha.) That was a very lame attempt at a joke. But as you can see, I have a laid back/comedic personality and that will be one contribution I can give to the campus. On the contrary, I can be an intelligible being to converse with inside the classroom, giving my personal insight and responses based on the subject at hand. In my own opinion, I see myself as someone who can understand almost anyone's point of view, a good characteristic for being a mediator (on tangent, I was actually a "certified" and trained peer mediator back in elementary school,) whether in a heated debate (or discussion) in class or a non-sensible debate among friends and colleagues.

What values do you believe are important in fostering a cohesive, successful, and supportive campus community? Please provide us with details from an experience that you had that has shaped these values.

What can help foster a cohesive, successful, and supportive campus community? I believe the two most important values are: communication and open-mindedness. Communication is necessary to get our ideas across to others in the community. Lack of communication will cause the entire entity of the "community" to become weak. An experience has led me to believe these are very important values. I led a community building time in my church's high school fellowship: the example I used to show how to build a strong bond was straw. By itself straw is very weak, but when many strands are combined into a bundle - even the strongest man cannot break it. The ideas we communicate to one another are like straw, when combined it becomes a foundation of a strong community. The second part in making a successful community is open-mindedness. This acts as the weaving of the ideas, when we are able to accept other ideas with an open mind we become able to understand more. Like the example with the straw, even if straw is bundled together it will not stay together after we let go. But, if we weave the many straw strands together we get a product that will last long after we let go.

Please comment. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Smart remarks are also welcome ;)

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