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Posts by KhanhZ
Joined: Jul 9, 2012		 Last Post: Jul 30, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 131  
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From: Viet Nam

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KhanhZ   
Aug 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Speedo" JHU Supplement Essay-Why choose this certain major [4]

Hi, Vishnu)
Some of my corrections

The mountain , which had so eluded me for many years in the past, I hadwas finally conquered

"More blood, stupid more blood", I yelled as loud as I can. After 10 minutes of my yelling , I realized my yelling was to no avail and realized that there might never be a time I can repeat this feat.

(repetitive )

majestic view and realized my heart was not calming down ; my mother had told me not to ever go up the hill

and what is your essay about? I can hardly see a connection between the event you described and your desire to become a doctor. You need to explain that clearer.
KhanhZ   
Aug 30, 2012
Scholarship / Making a difference in our community working at McDonalds [4]

Hello, Jenny)
Well, your essay is not very distinct( I understand that to make a good answer in 100 word limit is quite hellish, never tried myself) , try adding more personal strokes, try to show what makes you different from others, maybe, your special approach, mindset, because everyone who works at fundraisers smile and promote.

sick childrenwith and their families

Ronald McDonald House Charities (RMJC)

just write RMJC, don't waste words on full titles, anyway the McDonald's guys will understand

Working at McDonalds has allowed me to make a difference by supporting charities and organizations

well this is too obvious, I mean don't waste words on sentences like this, dig immediately into more personal stuff.
KhanhZ   
Aug 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'an aspiring Accountant' - recommendation essay for rutgers [7]

Hi, blk2daxtreme
What is exactly the topic? To explain why rutgers is your choice? Well, definetely, it's not persuasive to put it mildly. this short answer won't get you anywhere, be more serious about college application. Write your "real" essay and post it here.
KhanhZ   
Aug 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Comfort, Texas Style. - Common Application UNC Supplement [3]

Hi, Rachel)
I like the first para of your essay, it's kinda cosy. The second and third could be shoortened to meet the word limit req, write only about your feelings and why that dish is comfort food to you

Sitting in a crowded restaurant, surrounded by close friends and family, I was looking with jealosy at another table being served bycousins running amock, a waiter walking by with a tray full of the next table's dinner morsels , andwhen I nosed suddenly the familiar smell of traditional mashed potatoes and crispy chicken fried steak ( is that a whole name of the dish? add some punctuation or something) that takes me back to the lovely times at grandma's house.

My favorite meal being cooked to perfection is asound /image ( the whole para was describing the meal being cooked without sounds) I'll never forget.

Food is a language that has no barrier. Whether you grow up in India, a mountainous city in the Alps, or a small Texas town, there is always a meal that conjures up feelings of joy and safety, memories of childhood, or just simple pleasure.Comfort food, as it is known, has the magical ability of conveying the sensation of warmth and contentment, ( write srtaightly about your dish )or at least for me it does...

You learn in science classes everywhere that food is essential to life. Without it our bodies would not function properly and could not thrive, but there is so much more to food than the biological make up that keeps our body running. Along with the physiological benefits, these special meals we call our comfort food stimulate our emotional being as well. The first bite of those white clouds of steamy ( do ypu bite steam? ) goodness and the lip-smacking, ...

Basically you can combine the 2 and 3 para together.
KhanhZ   
Aug 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "Just ten more steps" - Common App Short: essay on my experience in cross country [4]

Hello, Emily)
You'd better indicate your real name under the essay to counter plagiarism. You can set it in your profile settings.
Your answer, I think, is good, but in your place I would use less direct speech and describe the feelings I had during the cross country.

I round the corner (corner in the forest? ) to get out of the forest

KhanhZ   
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'moved to a new house' - Personal Essay for Princeton App [6]

Again, I have to agree with Kevin, your essay in content is generic and talking about football might be better, but what I think is the first thing admission officers will look at is style and ability to write in original way. Not all people have exceptionally interesting lives, so every college applying student's essay may fall into being generic, common. sometimes it comes to writing truth or fabricating a little bit. However, imagine you are a cook. You participate in a competition and all the participants are asked with concocting the same dish. So the "content" is basically the same, but it's about making the dish stand out, taste better, even though the ingredients are identical. Similarly with essays, I think making an admission officer read the same "content" without feeling any boredom is writing expertise and that's what colleges look for in the first place.
KhanhZ   
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'moved to a new house' - Personal Essay for Princeton App [6]

Hi, Andrew)
Have to agree with Ahmad(who had good suggestions), your essay is nice.
But one thing I don't agree with him is what he thinks about the word "cool". It's an essay about personality and stuff like that, so I don't think it's necessary to use "formal" words and your essay itself doesn't sound serious -- "cool" for me is OK .

Luckily, I had two good friends, but people made fun of me because they were girls,an elementary school abomination .( are girls(which is unlikely for me) or a boy having 2 female friends in elementary school an abomination? it's not clear in the sentence. )

KhanhZ   
Aug 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / My School Days (school article) [5]

HI, Sadaf)
You say that this essay is for school article( so i infer you still study in school), but the title is My School Days( so i infer the school days passed). So it leads me to a confusion, maybe you meant school days in elementary school?

School days are one of the most joyful moments of existence , fun filled with many mysteries to solve and many fights to resolve

In my school days, I had manyfriends and some foes . We used to gossip(it reads like you gossiped both with your friends and enemies ) and play and some times fight over silly things. I had two best friends. They were very nice and loyal to me.( the overall these sentences flow not very well)

, although we weren't brilliant students , in fact , were average ones , but still we respected our elders and loved our youngers.

needed tosince I had everything I needed or wanted.I miss my school days since it was

KhanhZ   
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Be happy with what you already have' - Essay A for UT austin [2]

Hello, Pan)
Babies are cute and simple, but there is a thing I can't agree with you about babies, I think they are by far not content. They are egoistic: they can start crying for no reason in the middle of night, waking stressed out parents; they care only about their own needs. That's natural for any baby though, because they are young.

So my point is I don't know whether babies are a good example. Besides that, your essay is written well and I haven't noticed any dramatic mistakes.
KhanhZ   
Aug 21, 2012
Undergraduate / William and Mary Essay - Macaroni and Cheese (addiction essay) [7]

I do agree with Kevin that saying "blonde moment" might not be politically correct, but I don't really perceive the incident described in your essay as a evidence of absent-mindedness. After all, you were hungry and tired, so that's explains you being sloppy. And as you wrote before, the questions asks :what else makes you unique and colorful?, so I think the content is OK, it's not about weaknesses nor strengths, it is just about who you are. Al least that's my opinion.
KhanhZ   
Aug 20, 2012
Faq, Help / EF Contributing is AWESOME...so how do i become one??!! [10]

Request to consider making me a contributor -- no reply

So I have sent 2 requests already using the "contact us" option and for now haven't received any reply, and I have fullfilled the requirement of reviewing at least 2o threads. Really, I am very eager to become a contributor and not knowing whether my candidature is accepted or rejected is troubling. Uncertainty is the worst thing ever.
KhanhZ   
Aug 20, 2012
Undergraduate / William and Mary Essay - Macaroni and Cheese (addiction essay) [7]

I'm obsessed with Macaroni and Cheese, have been since I could chew ( I think in this case what I suggested before would be more grammatically right)

cooking and the simplicity of its preparation may play (this pronoun is supposed to refer to Mac and cheese, but it doesn't)

not allow for the 10 minute (you don't use "allow for 1o minutes", really)

really, lexi, you should use my suggestions related to comprehension :)

my rumbling and bubbling stomach

As I sluggishly trudged

of smoke penetrated shocked my senses

chasse'ed my way over to the microwave spewing with smoke ( here it is written like you spewed smoke)

and opened doors and windows to air out the house. I flopped down on the window ledge, feeling my skin starting to cover with goosebumps, as the cool wind blew in. Hah, hah! I began shaking, not from cold, but with laughter, amused by silliness of this situation. (something like that)

that's it for now, it's kinda late where I am, namely 00.05 o'clock. I ''ll think of something better tomorrow, oh later today I mean))
KhanhZ   
Aug 20, 2012
Research Papers / 'History and Attraction of Anime' - Questions on my Rough Draft [4]

Greetings, Tim G.)
I learned quite a bit about anime from your work, but why didn't you mention" Cowboy Bebop"? cos' it's really good.

Anyway, besides some suggestions I wrote below, really don't start all new paras using numerals and try varying your sentence structures more.

Now the questions:

1. What does the writer do well in this essay? Well, the first 2 para were quite instructing, the most of the rest were kinda jumping through timeline of anime history, without adding any substantial details on significant works of the periods.

2. What does the writer need to work on in this essay?varying sentence structure, add more descriptions of significant works
3. State the main point of this essay.ah.. it's about history of anime and the point is anime influenced the world culture a lot

4. Does the introduction grab your attention? Does it lead smoothly to a thesis? If not, what could the writer do to improve it? I think the author should rephrase his thesis. and rework partly everything

5. What is the thesis statement? Does it contain a strong opinion and specific focus? Explain.It is this author's belief that anime is the ultimate form of entertainment and the greatest attraction that man has ever made for viewing. I think , this thesis is too radical, stating anime is the best form of entertainment.

6. Does each paragraph develop one main idea? Describe the main idea of each paragraph (five words or less for each). Does each topic sentence tie back to the thesis? Most of paras don't contribute to the whole idea, because they lack enough analysis of the specific period of anime development. and not all of them have topic sentences.

7. Does the writer offer evidence for the points he or she makes in each paragraph? If so, is the evidence convincing? Didn't see much evidence

8. Does the writer use transitions between paragraphs and ideas? Not well
9. Does the conclusion briefly summarize in a fresh way the writer's main argument and then end on a memorable note (such as a quotation, thought, image, or call to action)? What is that memorable impression that the conclusion leaves? well, for now the author haven't finished the conclusion ))

10. Are quotations integrated smoothly? Do they flow with the grammar of the sentence? Are all quotations cited correctly? no quotes detected
11. Is there a Works Cited page reflecting each author quoted in the body of the essay? Are the entries of the Works Cited page in correct MLA format? Are they alphabetized? Does each entry have all the necessary citation information? Does the Works Cited section appear on its own page? ---

12. Is the essay formatted correctly (margins, font, spacing, etc.)? If not, what needs to be corrected? look above and use italics for names and titles

13. Does the essay have a creative title that describes the purpose/point of the paper in a catchy, clear way? The title is kinda basic and straightforward

14. Are there grammar and spelling errors in the essay? not any that I've noticed
KhanhZ   
Aug 20, 2012
Undergraduate / William and Mary Essay - Macaroni and Cheese (addiction essay) [7]

Hi, Alexis)
Well your essay is quite unique I'd say. Besides the suggestions below , you could add more descriptive details to make the image of the incident more vivid.

I'm obsessed with Macaroni and Cheese, have been since I could chew. I have been really obsessed with macaroni and cheese since I could chew/had grown a set of teeth.

My overall distaste toward cooking and the simplicity of that dish's preparation may play a small role in my attraction to the dish, but the entertainment (what exactly?) I get from the food lies deep at the roots of my addiction.

Bikini Bottom and worries the size of Plankton( use italics)

Macaroni and Cheese and I go a long way back

... likability, etc., and eating them accordingly. (ah..you don't explain "eating them" in your essay)

One decently-sized speed bump occurred on a routine night, when I was coming home from dance class, whenand my rumbling stomach simply would not allow( tolerate) for the 10 minute prep time necessary for a normal serving of Mac and Cheese, so I hastily popped a container of Easy Mac...

I never put water into the mix! (do you mean you never used to add water or you forgot to add it at that moment? )

I ran outside to escape the smothering fumes

Now, some may devise deduce somea profound lesson they learned from an experience like minethat

KhanhZ   
Aug 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'tried my hardest at everything' UT narrative about meaningful event [2]

Hi , Chris)
I think you should expand your essay if there is not a tight word limit. Add a story of your struggles and problems you faced as a second para, you know something interesting that would catch attention, cos' for now your essay doesn't sound very distinct

It was the happiest day of my life

I knew I would be able to get a fresh starttabula rasa not only in academics but also in life. Nobody had any preconceptions of me . The most memorable moment of all was when I my dad asked me "are you sure "( sure of what? ) and I responded immediately "yes".

in that para you used "moment" twice and then at the start of second para there is another "moment"

From that moment on I tried my hardest best at everything life threw at me and I made a motto for myself: "Never give up". N ot only did I better in school but excelled past surpassed even what I thought I was capable of. I believe I would be a great asset to the University of Florida Community. I am a hard working, motivated person who still has the "never give up "(you metioned that before already) attitude. For example when AP testing came around for my AP U.S. History class I was up every night till one or two in the morning. Every time I felt like falling over or giving up and going to bed I would remind my self "never give up "(again) knowing that I could make it through. I think I would be a great asset to the University of Florida because I am the kind of person who encourages others around me to step up to my level, to "never give up ", and I enjoyed being challenged to step up in the same way. I want the University of Florida to be proud to have me as student and to know that if they bring me to their school I will not only excel as an individual but I will also bring up the people around me. (basically this para is an ending)

you are repeating some stuff over and over in this para, sp you could rally shorten it
KhanhZ   
Aug 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Lord Jesus Christ is my refuge' SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES or ACCOMPLISHMENTS [2]

Greetings, Lyrie)
Is this essay is for a religiously affiliated college?

For now your essay lacks a unique story, it sounds very common. You need to elaborate on the part about you conflict with your peers, add more details, that would describe your outer and inner conflicts. The essay should show your gradual path towards the faith.

In my opinion, though, religion is not the best topic for a college application essay, because not everyone is religious and the admission officers might not share your views, unless the college is religiously affiliated. Writing about religion have a high risk of being not original. So I really suggest you to reconsider your topic.
KhanhZ   
Aug 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Playing Piano to help others' - Common Application Short Answer [2]

HI, Morgan)
In my opinion, it's would be more interesting to describe one occasion/event( something like that) tied with your activity, not something general as you did. For example, you can write about a piano competition,the feelings, emotions you had, intensity in mind and body OR just write about the feelings you have while playing. You could throw in some vivid descriptions to make your short answer delicious.
KhanhZ   
Aug 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'hearing those silly questions' - Questbridge Essay (Critique) [4]

Hi, Mariana)
In the start essay you use both present and past tenses for narrative -- choose one( better present)
And you use words "question"," ask", "know" and some others too much. Try to replace them with synonyms instead)

One day at the end of French class, a girl came comes up to me with a map. I looked down at examine it and noticed that it was is a map of Mexico.

(like this)

I stare at her , thinking she was kidding

"But I heard it was in Mexico ..." she responded saying that she heard it was in Mexico , so I confirmed torefuted her false notion by showing her the actual map of Colombia.

This whole situationto me was completely shocking to me ; to know that this girl really, truly believed that Colombia is in Mexico was quite perturbing . If she believed that, who knows what other things she had "heard"?

Of course when I was asked this, I was dumbfounded, but then again, this wasn't the first time I have been asked something similar to this. I have been asked :

repetitive

I think this person must be joking, but the majority of the time, they 're not.

not good

I felt slight annoyance for of the fact that people even asked those questions were even askedbut when I really thought about it, I knew that in certain areas, I was no better. ( this part is choppy and better write " while actually I was not that different from them"

We live in a world where if you can hop on a plane and fly across a body of water oceans and seas, you are and be sure to land in a place where the lifestyles are completely different from where you came from.

I am hoping e I will be able

Your feelings didn't fail you, your last para is kinda weak and I think you need to throw in some stronger sentences like "Only after being affected myself have I waked up from my own world of cultural ignorance and narrowed vision. I finally understood that the world doesn't rotate only around me, that blah blah... I won't tolerate that for myself anymore! ...blah blah blah.." you catch my drift, don't you?

Is there a word limit for this essay? The introduction is decent enough, but you could add more details of your embarrassments, annoyances, you know, make your essay more personal so it would attract the reader more.
KhanhZ   
Aug 8, 2012
Undergraduate / "Two Busts To My Left" - choice of your own college essay [3]

Hello, Cormac)
Very nice essay) I like it.

Some of my suggestions:

... at me slipping into sleep. The Those eyes belong to two...

butthese two busts hold more stories than my puny bookcase can hold. They hold their own stories that tell a tale of who I am . (combine together)

They weave a yarn about a boy , whose

This is their story, but also my memoir as well as mine.

and axons, and signaling neurotransmitters -- those are some of the actions processes that contribute to a reaction greater than the sum of its parts(what do you mean? runner's stride greater than all those neuro processes? )

my running has transcended atrivial and frivolous game (you mean running is a game? sounds kinda strange )

As a perpetual student , I have found my identity as both an athlete and a scholar

conquer his feat , while rigorously studying Neuroscience

... be a dichotomy , separating a student and an athlete

I dedicate my life to service to of helping others

KhanhZ   
Aug 8, 2012
Scholarship / (career goals, music, high school, inspiration, weekend,.) -Questbridge Short Answers [4]

Hi, Mariana)
I think most of your responses are good, they are concise and frank. Though, You could add some more personal strokes to them.

some of my corrections:

that would allow me to travel across/ around the world

My taste in music could be calledeclectic and somewhat indie, but I am open to anything ( you know, eclectic kinda means that)

I can't wait to be able to usebombard with my french skills in the future to communicate to with others.( when you communicate with someone, you expect reciprocal reaction; when you communicate to, you don't{The adverts communicates to consumer})

I would say I'm easily inspired -- I take inspiration from everything. My favorite source is from when go to new placestaps from excitement of visiting new corners of world .

Things I do vary , depending on the day. I go to watercolor classes every week ( the questions asks about Friday ) along with other art classes. I'm also in several clubs(impertinent info) .

What qualities in them do you admire?
You didn't answer that.

How do you spend a typical weekday evening?
How do you spend a typical weekend?
What things make you happiest?
In the above listed questions, you just give a list of activities. You'd better emphasize a couple of them and give a deeper personal insight.
KhanhZ   
Aug 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat' - briefly elaborate on one of your activities [14]

Thanks guys for your time)
Houshina, what exactly is informal in "I pant like a dog" ? "dog"? I meant this as a comparison, you know, like "run like a zebra" or "fly like a bird".

Tucayana, I wrote "I am tired. Extremely." like that to convey the sense of my offbeat breath, like when you are tired you can't speak long sentences.

And guys, overall, how is my essay?
KhanhZ   
Aug 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Roland and adults in general' - someone who has made an impact on your life [2]

Hello, Tiffany)
I think your essay is quite OK, you can add more details(not necessary I think), unless there is a word limit.

.. because even though I'm usually quite practical I tend to also be quite a bit spontaneous

And one of my newest recent bursts of inspiration was to application for a job, which would allow meso that I couldto fundtake up guitar lessons myself

and somehow connect withunleash my inner rock star.

... to occur, for what kind ofplacecompany would hire a ,then ,16 year girl with no serving experience in this (what this?) economy

Imagine my surprise , when 3 days later I got

a ratherunimpressive man

I thought of as the epitome of a cool boss

a kinda dissonance

. I, unlike many other middle- classed teens, am willing to admit to being sheltered( I think better to write: heavily dependent on parents , that's more clear), and along with that innocence was a preconceived notion that all adults were responsible and to respected. So imagine my surprise (you used that before) when I met someone who seemed to defy my every expectation for of a man( you expect smnfor a dinner ) in such a position of power, in a good way of course!

Or at least that was what I kept telling myself,innocence( naivete) and denial are made of pretty heavy material ,(what do you mean)

a man that lacked the personality qualities to be in his position.

I was forced to tell many a people that we were "out of [insert food here],( you should've mentioned before what job you got )

He inadvertently stripped me of my armor against this cruel world.( what armor? if innocence, then I think it doesn't kinda suit to context)

I'm going to end this by saying Roland motivates me, not because I look up to him, but rather to make sure I don't end up like him.

KhanhZ   
Aug 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat' - briefly elaborate on one of your activities [14]

Hello Everyone)
This is my short essay for commapp.
I need some healthy criticism that would be appreciated)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Sweat drops glide down my forehead, then curve around my cheek. Some choose to drip from my chin; the others continue their descent down my neck to be eventually soaked up by the cotton of my kimono. My breath is offbeat - I pant like a dog. Red, blue and green sparkling dots obtrude my vision, swarming like flies. I am tired. Extremely. " Focus. Aim in the middle", my karate master reminds me. Left arm punch. A straight kick to solar plexus. A roundhouse kick to head of my imaginary foe. Repeat. I struggle to apply the same force to my hits, while my body is bathed in sticking sweat and muscles are aching with tension. I just want to sit down and close my giddy eyes. But I do not. Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat. Just the same formula of victory... "Everyone can go rest now" -- I kneel down and inhale deeply. Ten years of training, yet reaching your limit is always exhausting. I come home, feeling ephemeral, and then go to train again. No pain, no gain it is.
KhanhZ   
Aug 4, 2012
Essays / A person whom I admire? Need a start ! [7]

Hi, Kumar)
First of all you need an original approach: talking about how your virtuous parents affected you is kinda banal. Choose someone different. Include some direct speech and make your essay feel personal as much as you can. For now, those are the only suggestions I can think of.

Submit your essay here and I might be able to give your some better ideas))
KhanhZ   
Aug 4, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

I think, yeah, your essay answers the prompt.
The restrictions are annoying, True dat.
Maybe you could drop the first para:

People classify diversity through differences; ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic classes, sexual orientation and even hair color, they tend to put a label on each one of us. To me, however, diversity is the understanding that each individual is unique.
This precept comes from my childhood and the way it shaped my personality for a lifetime.

entirely and instead add more detail to your cultural interactions.
KhanhZ   
Aug 3, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

People classify diversity through differences;: ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic classes, sexual orientation and even hair color; they tend to put a label on each one of us.

This precept comes from my childhood and the way it shapedmy personality for a lifetime.

(lifetime? I don't think you lived that long) )

I am a white , teenager

For 4 years, we traveled around the globe,but everywhere I only felt like a stranger, every time having we'd move somewhere, I had to adjust to my the new environment.

metropolis is a very large city or urban area, so I guess you don't need to use "big" with it.

Once I got a chance to spend a few weeks

As a matter of fact, I might be an eighteen years old white girl from a middle-class family, living in the suburbs of a city, but it doesn't truly define who I am

I think it's not very terrible to have 30-40 words over limit. Work a lil' bit more to trim 30-35 words and you'll be OK
KhanhZ   
Aug 2, 2012
Undergraduate / "Beth wake-up call" - UT A-Someone who made an impact/why this person is important [4]

The language in your essay seems ok to me.

Some things I found on my second reading

Hell, I haven't even slept a day wherewithout my beloved dog wasn't curled up next to me in bed.

"Pleasantly plump," my mom would comfort me with

obliviously " obese" would have been more accurate

( you mean "obviously obese" or obviously, "obese"?)

I remember thinking that loose shirts would help me hide the loose stomach,

blame-on my mom for feeding myme bad food

( a typo i guess)

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