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Posts by sushiwrap
Joined: Nov 21, 2012
Last Post: Nov 29, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 15  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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sushiwrap   
Nov 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'soul-searching and life experience' - SAT Essay (1-12) [3]

In SAT essays, the readers do not look for perfect grammar, they look for perfect structure. So that is why I won't be correcting any spelling or sytax errors you have and I will be congratulating you on a well-done essay. Your thesis is concise, your topic sentences are on point, and your evidence/commentary are relevant. I appreciate the into and conclusion as well.

If you don't already know how SAT essays are graded, I'll tell you now: Two readers read your essay, each giving it a grade on a scale of 1 to 6. Then, the two scores are then added together to get your overall score. (Sometimes a third reader will examine your essay if the two separate scores are very different like, say, subscores of 3 and 6.)

Therefore, I will pretend that I am a reader and give your essay a 6 (a perfect subscore). :)

Best,
Marisa
sushiwrap   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the Philippines during summer break' - UC Prompt about my grandfather [6]

Well, gee. This made me just a little melancholic. Just a little. Sarcasm intended.
Yeah, I cried, so what.
That being said, death is kind of a no-no in personal statements. It is probably the number one clichĂŠ topic among all personal statements received in the UC system (and in any college in the world for that matter). The readers aren't looking to become depressed. They are looking for depth. They are not looking for tears. They are looking for passion. They are not looking for misfortunes. They are looking for progress. They are not looking for a play-by-play. They are looking for YOU.

This, aleckdanielle, is a sob-story. Literally. Exhibit A: me.
How is it a sob-story?
Well,
1. It is tear-worthy.
2. It is, unfortunately, a ginormous story about your life betwixt the story about the last days of your grandfather's life that goes on for much too long and then you end up talking about Journalism and Anthropology. I was kind of lost. I think that's a Red Herring. It's a fallacy.

ANYWAY. You should give up on the sob story. It was powerful, yes, but the death of your grandfather DID NOT contribute to the realization of your dreams and aspirations. INSTEAD, talk about the effect your visits to the Phillippines had on your dreams and aspirations. Talk about the diversity and the culture there and how those aspects inspired you to strive to become a Journalist/Anthropologist. Then, that essay should right on topic if not JUST as powerful.

Best,
Marisa
sushiwrap   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'John Lennon's crooked glasses' - UC Personal 2 [3]

This essay is filled with simple sentences. Sometimes this has a great effect on the reader, making him or her read with a fast pace or even making him or her feel like there is some mystery between the lines of the writing. In your case, however, it does not have any sort of desired effect.

It's like you forgot about conjunctions (and, but, etc.)!

You have odd analogies. But I suppose they work. Don't forget that accented letters are not compatible with the UC app so you have to take out the ĂŠ from BeyoncĂŠ. Just say Beyonce. lol.

The ending is a bit awkward--it seems like you were striving for one of those majestic endings where it's like your essay made a loop and it ties to the introduction flawlessly and your whole essay is rolled up tightly like a seamless burrito of eloquence... But, unfortunately, you fell short. You don't really emphasize your pride and there is not even a little hint as to how this experience relates to the person you are.

The topic of this essay is actually really, for lack of better term, cool! I was just hungry for something more... I can't really put my finger on it. I wish you could have talked about John Lennon on a more personal level... Something like, his eyes pierced me with the passion that I know they held so long ago. Some sort of IMAGERY!

OMIGOSH that's it! Imagery!!! :D
Your essay is a flat one; it needs some color, some depth, some imageryyyyyyy!
Good luck! You have a little more than two days!

Best,
Marisa
sushiwrap   
Nov 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'sports analytics' - UC Prompt 1 "My World" [8]

I found this essay to be a bit redundant--I was overwhelmed with the words "research" and "question."

Although it is getting really close to the UC Application deadline (Ahhhhhh!), you should really take a long and analytical look at your life and see what really defines your world. I don't think that anyone can actually say that their world is entirely dominated by research and answering questions.

Ask yourself:

"Where do I come from?"
"How has my family shaped me?"
"What is my school life like?"


I feel that this essay is rushed. You really have to take your time and really think about your life before you end up submitting a personal statement that you know in your heart does not represent who you truly are.

Here are some resource that will assist you in coming up with a strong topic and will lift some of the burden off of your shoulders (they definitely helped me calm down when I was writing my personal statements).

admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/Pdf/PersonalStatement.pdf
personalstatementblueprint.com/uc-prompt-examples/
powayusd.com/pusdwvhs/Counseling/Presentations/Seminar4a-PersonalStatement.pdf

Best,
Marisa
sushiwrap   
Nov 26, 2012
Research Papers / THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF MEDIA ON GIRLS [3]

Hi, awesome_chicka!

especially as they are growing up and going through adolescents.

IT'S 'ADOLESCENCE.'

what they do not realize is that no one has the perfect smile, perfect skin, or perfect hair.

Try to stay parallel with what you said in your hook:

skinny body, a blemish free face, and long blonde hair

and say: "...perfect body, perfect skin, or perfect hair."

"flaw-less"

this is just one word--"flawless"
I agree with dumi's comment on "sick world."

flaunt around with the product

Just say "flaunt the product."
Your last introductory sentences leading up to your thesis should go a little more like this:
When women see these manipulating advertisements, many wish they could have the models' features and they then strive towards conforming to society's perception of beauty. Venturing to become a mirror-image of what the media portrays as beautiful is an unreachable goal that drives many to adopt eating disorders and low self-esteem.

I've learned in my 12 short years of public grade-school education that a cookie-cutter thesis is pretty boring. ;)
I can tell that this is one of those safe and familiar "Intro, thesis, topic sentence, concrete detail, commentary, concluding sentence, conclusion" kind of essays. Make sure to not let this monotony invade the structure of your sentences. Vary sentence structure so as to capture the reader in your eloquence rather than into a trance of deep sleep, haha! :)

I'm not sure if the instructor that assigned you the essay gave you a specific amount of sentences your essay must have... But if not, don't be afraid to combine some sentences to make your sentences interesting and captivating--you want to have the same amount of liquidity and eloquence you have in your intro to follow through in the rest of your writing.

Dang it! I wish I could continue to go over your essay (I love these sorts of topics), but I have to go to sleep. :(

Good luck, and don't be afraid to contact me at marisamota88@ if you have any more questions! :)

Best,
Marisa
sushiwrap   
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement essays on Cross Country and discrimination. [4]

I'll give you feedback to both of your essays but I'll start with Essay 1.

Your essay made me feel particularly overwhelmed. I loved the way you started your essay, with a sentimental anecdote about your parents, and the topic of racial identity ties in well with that, but once you introduced the Asian club and what you do in the Asian club, I was seriously thrown off.

This essay prompt says: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

In this particular essay, less is more, and talking about the Asian club, in my opinion, adds nothing to your statement in the current state it is presented in. Focus on one aspect of your life and own it. Become it.

If you eliminate the Asian Club aspect, that will give you room to talk about how your parents and your racial identity has shaped your dreams and aspirations because your essay, right now, does not answer that part of the question.
sushiwrap   
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / UC --Cross Country Mayhem and Major Drama Biology [3]

I haven't really seen any Additional Comments examples online or from my peers so I just decided to wing it.
I have heard that Additional Comments can be anything from bullet points to a full-on essay; I just decided to focus on two topics and make paragraphs out of them. I would like to know what you all think of them and feedback, as always, is very much appreciated.

Prompt: If you wish, you may use this space to tell us anything else you want us to know about you that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application.

--During the fall semester of my tenth grade year, I joined the Cross Country team at my high school and, through perseverance, I made it onto Varsity. Cross Country was one of the most invigorating yet challenging experiences of my life, testing both my physical and my mental ability on the tough courses. I ended the season on a good note and went on to join the swim team, finishing that season successfully as well. After swim, I was eager to begin conditioning for Cross Country for my eleventh grade year. While training normally one day, I felt intense pain in my shins. I stopped, stretched a bit, and was pleased to find that the pain quickly went away, so I continued on. Unfortunately, the pain did not end there; it escalated dramatically in a few short weeks of training and by the time the Cross Country season officially started, I could barely walk. I spoke to my coach about my problem and he deemed it best that I take a rest from running for a season based on the severity of my case of shin splints. Instead of doing Cross Country, then, I joined the tennis team to occupy my time while my shins healed and to expand my horizons in the sports world. But my heart stayed with Cross Country. After having another successful year on the swim team during my junior year, I decided to follow my heart and condition for Cross Country one more time. To my dismay, my shin splints came back to haunt me again, this time even worse than before. I was frustrated and angry that I once again could not participate in a sport that I loved but, like they say, when one door closes, God opens another. By leaving Cross Country behind, I was able to focus upon my challenging course load and upon various extracurricular activities. This lifestyle change is proving to be very beneficial to my academic success and to my overall happiness.

--Throughout my high school career, my intended college major has oscillated from art to molecular biology to everything in between. I have found that although I have had success in a multitude of subjects, I have never had a supreme passion for a single one. My spectrum of interest is very broad and I hope to use college and the diversity of classes offered there to steer me in the right direction. Thus far, I seem to have found a niche within science, particularly biology, and within educating. Before I make any decisions regarding my major, however, I would like to further explore my options.
sushiwrap   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / UC #2: My passion for environmental awareness. [5]

Hello! This is my second personal statement for the UC application. It took me a reaaaally long time to do because I had to write it all out and edit it to get the word count down to 425, to make the total word count equal to 1000. Phew!

Feedback, critique, and corrections are greatly appreciated. :) Thanks!

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

During the first semesters of both AP Biology and AP Environmental Science, I had the honor of participating in the Marine Science Discovery Program (MSDP), a life-changing educational experience conducted by the Marine Mammal Center that opened my eyes to the beauty of the oceans, the breathtaking abundance of life it harbors, and the harmful effects humans have on that life. From conducting a beach cleanup, to having the chance to see marine mammals devastatingly affected by plastic pollution, this program greatly influenced my newfound passion for environmental awareness.

Perhaps the most valuable theme this program brought to my attention was the effects of plastic pollution on the Earth. Having always been an environmentally friendly individual, it was shocking to see, first hand, the devastating results that the inappropriate disposal of plastics has on Earth's fragile oceans. One result in particular, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, made me sick to my stomach. In this gargantuan floating dump lies an accumulation of plastic particles that release toxic chemicals into the surrounding waters and that unsuspecting marine life mistakes for food. The idea that we humans are destroying the oceans, the part of the Earth that sustains all life, enraged me and therefore prompted me to raise awareness within my community.

I, with a group ecologically savvy teachers and students at my high school, teamed up with the local recycling center to create a program that both raised money for the school and raised awareness for the importance of recycling. An enormous mustard-yellow dumpster was hauled into the school courtyard and it was announced to the entire student body that if the dumpster were to be filled with appropriate recyclable material, the school would receive thousands of dollars in grants from the recycling center for its efforts. Because of relentless campaigning and the unity of the school towards one ultimate goal, the dumpster was filled, the prize money was earned, and every student gained a new environmental appreciation that they otherwise never would have acquired.

If it were not for the inspiration I garnered from my experience with the Marine Science Discovery Program, I never would have been made aware of the reality of plastic pollution and the many negative impacts it has on the Earth's irreplaceable oceans. I am overwhelmingly proud to say that I was part of a group that initiated the altruistic crusade towards proper recycling at my high school and I hope that this effort had as great of an impact on the student body as the MSDP had on me.
sushiwrap   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Cross country pushing forward' - UC Essay #2 - Colorguard [6]

Yes, there is always room for improvement.

FIRST PARAGRAPH.
Many people participate in activities that keep them grounded. Cross country has athletes pushing forwardcut through terrain , swim has their ownathletes cutting through water. When I joined colorguard my sophomore year, I was given the chance to cut through air.After joining Colorguard, I was able to cut through air.

I liked the essence of the beginning of your introduction and wanted to touch it up. However, I feel that your first paragraph can be much more concise. You can combine the ideas of the overwhelming physical and overwhelming mental demand into once sentence.

However,After spending 10 months of the year withthe samea group ofamong people who havewiththe same goals and interests similar to mine,as youdo , makes youI felt as though I were a part of something bigger than yourselfmyself . I began to change, and I was no longer working for myself, but for the greater good of the program.I began to work towards the greater good of the team rather than for personal advantage.

NEVER, EVER USE "YOU" IN THIS CONTEXT. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. (Sorry. It's just one of my pet peeves.) You are talking about YOURSELF (I), not the reader.

SECOND PARAGRAPH
Try to avoid "Due to the fact that." just say "Because."
Similarly, try to avoid "due to" just say "because of."
Saying that you were "cussing up a storm" won't really give the reader a great impression of you. It will seem as though you can't control your anger. Eliminate that phrase. Eliminate the phrase after that, too, because the reader already knows that you couldn't do it correctly.

I wasn'twas competing with anyoneno one but myself, and I was thinking ofabout what would happen to the team if I did not fulfill my personal responsibilities.

"Pushing through" is something we'rewe aretold constantly.constantly told to do.

Don't use contractions in personal statements.

At 5 in the morning, at 9 at night,Early in the morning and late at night, it is easy to complain about not wanting to bethere.fulfill a commitment.

Always make sure that when you use a vague word like "there," "there" is defined. In this case, it was not, so it had to be rewritten.

However,It is more difficult, though,it takes maturityto look past your fatigue andcontinue what you do, simply because you love doing it.

No need for a "however." Awkward sentence ending. There's that YOUR again... -____-

Personally, I believe it was these moments thatmeant thecontributed most to my growth in this activityColorguard. In these sessions of near-breakdown , I learned the values of perseverance and determination and I overcame the significant hardship of satisfactorily executing the challenging routines.

"Personally, I believe..." is a redundant phrase. It is also reminiscent of a speech a certain Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina gave. You should definitely look up the video on YouTube and get a few laughs from it. Anyway, NEVER use it. Please.

Oh and "In these sessions of near-breakdown..." is just awk. I don't even think those two words can be hyphenated...


THIRD PARAGRAPH

C'mon. Don't call yourself weak! Overcoming a hardship doesn't make your old self weak. By saying that you're basically saying that all new Colorguard members that do not know how to twirl are weak. Learning how to twirl just makes you stronger. Emphasis on the "-er." Speaking of stronger, create a stronger conclusion that provides the reader with a sense of closure and that further answers the question of "... how does this...relate to the person you are."
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I returned to Korea and moved to Libya' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1 [2]

For me, I do not have a specific place that I can refer to as my home. Sometimes, I find myself calling my life a gypsy's life This is because I have traveled to several placesmoved from place to placesince I was small and have developed a unique interest and love for all of those nationsa multitude of nations . Since I have hadThrough my various experiences in the places where I have visited, I have had anthe opportunity ableto observe the general economic conditions of the people first handedly and adopt their ways of lifeand the way of life of people around the world . These experiences have prompted me to want to pursue a degree in economics and become a person who works towards the transformation of livelihoods<choose a different word> in our world.

I would help you more, but I've gotten absolutely no feedback on my thread and I need to finish it ASAP.
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'attain a common objective' Leadership Essay for University [3]

Just five comments.
1. Don't repeat the prompt in your first sentence--seriously?--instead, weave it into your writing. In fact, just take away the "From my personal experiences" out altogether.

2. I think you should probably start a new paragraph after the second sentence.
3. Definitely want to correct your parallel structure and grammatical errors.
4. Some of your sentences can be put together to form one concise one.
5. Is there any other, perhaps more college-related, experience you can write about in which you displayed leadership?
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'traditional Mexican-American family' - UC Personal Statement "Your World" [3]

Hello! This focuses on the impact my family had on my goals, particularly in how they provided an example to follow. That is, an anti-example.

I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback, especially feedback that isn't candy-coated. :) Thank you!

Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I come from a very traditional Mexican-American family-one with high morals, strict rules, and, more than anything, strong family values. My family and extended family, for as long as I can remember, has always managed to get together at my grandparents' house every other weekend, despite the fact that it requires at least two hours of driving for each individual family to get there. During those Saturdays and Sundays I spent wrestling with my multitude of cousins on the front lawn of my grandparents' house, I developed an unbreakable bond with each and every one of them, a bond that even hundreds of miles of separation could never break. But those were days of innocence. As the years passed, my older cousins fell, one by one, under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and lust. Some would come to our bimonthly get-togethers wobbling across the lawn with bloodshot eyes and foul breath or come with their bellies bulging with new life; some would stop coming altogether. The group of what was once 20 cousins tumbling around on my grandparents' lawn was quickly diminishing and it was not too long before I was the oldest one in the group; before I was the next in line to fall into the clutches of substance abuse and teen pregnancy.

I have always been a generally observant person; I was never ignorant to the fact that my older cousins had become mothers and fathers at the ages of fifteen or sixteen, that they had dropped out of high school because they thought using drugs and alcohol was more important that doing school work, and that they had cluelessly run away from their homes with their significant others to get married without a plan in Las Vegas. What I was ignorant to, however, was the idea that their actions were wrong-I loved and admired them too much to realize that. In fact, I began to think that following their example was acceptable because I was, after all, essentially destined to follow in their footsteps. However, once I began to see the youth drained from their faces, the joy drained from their eyes, and the innocence drained from their souls, I realized that there must be more to life than a bunch of dead-end life choices. I realized that I was destined to follow my own path and that instead of seeing my cousins as positive role models, I should rather learn from their mistakes and see them as an example of what I shouldn't do. I came to the realization that as much as I loved and respected them, I did not want to follow a path like theirs and therefore lead a life of constant struggle.

After becoming conscious of this idea, I made it my ultimate goal to pursue academic excellence and, in time, be the first member of my family to attend a four-year university. The most amazing result of this new purpose in my life is that my entire family, my entire world, was (and still is) at my back cheering me on and pushing me to do better. My newfound zeal for ultimate success began and continues to seep into the hearts of my family members and as I continue my ascent on the ladder of triumph and prosperity, my family is very faithfully by my side.
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Engineers can craft and create' - UC essay "your world" prompt [6]

To make it easier on you, actually, you should probably use this essay for prompt #2: "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?" I believe that with prompt #2, you will be able to use the CNN experience as a good way of connecting that to the person you are, rather than the person you want to become.

Best,
Marisa.
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I wanted to learn Latin dance' - UC Prompt #2 A fall or a slippery? [9]

Fantastic. Definitely fantastic. The only thing I would have to advise against is that part of your essay where you started listing a whole bunch of accomplishments and committments. This is unnecessary to add to an already good essay and it has nothing to do with your passion for dance. In fact, it makes you seem pretty ungrateful to the successes you've actually had in these other outlets of your life when you seem to be focusing too much on ONE failure. Do you know what I am trying to say? When you get rid of this, don't forget to eliminate the connection to it at the end of your essay.
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / UC essay; 'My beginnings were humble' - Describe the world you come from [4]

This is a fantastically-written essay--it is evident that you are a good writer. However, if it is one thing I have learned over the past couple of months of constructing, reconstructing, and revising my essays (or, at least, trying to), it is that it is easier and much less overwhelming to write about one topic. This seems to be an essay with a jumble of facts about your life:

"My beginnings were humble." then all of a sudden, you're talking about living in Dubai and about "culture and ambitions" and the "miscellany of languages" throughout India. Then you moved onto you parents, who "never ceased to inspire [you]" and followed that with your "fascination towards physics and computers" . What is intriguing, but also confusing, is that you returned to the idea that your parents have inspired and therefore influenced you greatly in your endeavors at the end of your essay.

Given the fact that you talked about your parents inspiring you twice, I think that this would be a topic that would be worth writing an entire essay about because it is evidently a very important topic to you.

Best of luck to you.
sushiwrap   
Nov 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Waiting for a complete recovery' - UC statement # 2 response [4]

This is a fantastic essay with a great impact on the reader--I felt as though I were the one in the hospital bed, feeling the pain you were feeling. What I do suggest, however, is eliminating the extra information about the surgery itself. Focus more on how this experience really relates to you and how it makes you proud. You mentioned that you were able to push through the adversity in your very last sentence. Explain how you overcoming this adversity made you proud and how it realtes to the person you are. It seemed to me that you were implying that you were a racer. Tie this idea back into your essay at the end.
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