Posts by Mein

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Growing up Black and Majoring in Unafraid Barnard Application [3]

I have always been afraid of bugs .(Sure, the original sentence may sounds better, but you shouldn't sacrifice clarity for it.) , s o I was apprehensive when I signed up to be a counselor of a training camp atbug filled ( I would delete this; I mean, isn't forest usually filled with bugs?) forest.

It was a big pay off because two summers later I was able to have a great time working in another ~~bug filled~~ forest as a conservation worker.

Therefore if admitted to Barnard I will bring the perspective of a women who is comfortable in her own skin but strongly desires to explore other cultures and ways of living. ( I think it's weird to touch about your university when all they want is your background.)

I might miss the other grammatical error, but I think both of your essays are good.

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Olympiad training : MIT significant challenge [2]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?

The lectures are hard, the tests are complicated, the friends are intimidating and the lab works were stressful because the lab was small and crowded. That was my first impression of International biology Olympiad training. It was frustrating to know that there are many people who are much better at what we thought are our strength. Still, I believed that my decision to attend the training was not wrong. I believed that if I tried, the training would become more enjoyable.

Thus I tried my best to catch up with my friend. Were the lectures hard? Then I would try to listen and ask the question if I don't understand. Were the tests complicated? Then I would try to discuss it with my friend to understand it. Were the friends intimidating? Then I would try to talk with them about themselves. Were the lab works stressful? Then I would try to sit in the corner or in the room beside the lab that's connected. After all of those, the training has become more pleasant. Sure, it was still stressful, but I have come to enjoy the training itself. Beside the enjoyment of the training, I discovered many things about my friends.

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Like jellybean, Mac contains has a unique flavor; Why mac? [3]

Born and brought up in India, I have never had an opportunity to choose the subject of my curriculum, as the government has always decided for me. (It's up to you, but I think you don't need to add this information.)

Studying at Macalester would allow me to combine my passions for Biology, Psychology and Human rights ~~and~~ at the same time.

Being a ~~extensive~~ traveller(Only people who travel a lot will call themselves traveller) , I knew I would ~~only~~ (Wouldn't that mean you won't fit in another college?) fit in well in a college with diversity.

~~As an international student,~~ (You don't need to restate it) my parents are scared about me attending a college in a foreign land, and it gives them a relief to know that ~~the city where~~ Mac is located is amongst the safest cities in U.S.A, as listed by the Forbes magazine.

To me, giving back to the community always comes first. (Bring this sentence behind and change the structure like: since... or something like that. The other alternative is to change the sentence after this to become: and Mac's unique... fits me perfectly) Mac has a unique orientation tradition known as "Into the Streets," in which members of each first-year course go into the Twin Cities community to see how their course topic connects to the Cities.

I can see myself spending my next 4 years in Macalester College,

~~I still have many jellybeans describing why I and Mac are perfect for each other.~~ (It disconnects 2 sentences around it.) In my eyes, Macalester College is the right place to go to find this group of people.

Well, the essay itself is quiet interesting, the analogy is unique and each part makes me want to read the next one. Keep up the good work!

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / There are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just choose the other. [11]

Okay, this is the topic that came to my mind when I want to write the essay.
The essay itself is only the draft, and I believe there are a lot of incomplete piece. Can you help me to point it out?

Exploration of mind; what part of me that I'm proud of

Is there anything that doesn't have limit? That's the question that arisen from my mind after I pondered about the limit of an existence. I seek the answer, but I couldn't find it. The exploration of every possibility is hard, and I still have to challenge every answer that I have founded. It's like proving that witch is unreal by searching the existence of witch itself. The beginning of this exploration is not unusual. On certain night, I read something about someone tells people to dream without limit. I thought about this for a while, and asked a question: is dream truly limitless? I searched for the answer and after a long introspection, came to conclusion that even dream has limit. The limit of dream is reality; if a dream becomes real, won't that mean that it's not a dream anymore?

I like the exploration of mind, thinking about something that seems boring and then explore until I come to a question that I can't answer. Well, I only think about something that catches my attention, but I won't stop until all answer is doubted. This part of me enables me to hold many unanswered questions. I won't accept an answer that's doubtful; until the answer that I receive is convincing, I will keep the question, even if I have to forget it. Doubtful answer will not bring me closer to the truth. In fact, it may mislead me to take a wrong conclusion.

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / my own willpower ; PRINCETON / PERSON WHO HAD AN INFLUENCE [2]

I think there are still another mistake in the essay. Overall the essay is good enough( though a bit mainstream in my opinion, but don't stop if it's really you)

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / There are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just choose the other. [11]

Hmm... I think you're right. The topic seems to be forced, even to me. I will try to make another one, but I don't know whether it will be similar topic on different perspective or entirely different topic.

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Ethical arguments of our time/ Lehigh Sup - Values/priorities of my institution. [4]

Though the likes of strict parents who indirectly govern our future may disagree, it is, and I say this with utmost importance, imperative that the testing minds of today take time to absorb themselves in the grandest and most timeless ethical arguments of our time. As a proprietor of an institution, I would make such a sentiment real.

That's the part that obstruct your statement about topics of study that you choose.
If I take the meaning right, I would make it like:

Though the likes of strict parents who indirectly govern our future may disagree, what's important today is insight about ethics, and the argument of them. As a proprietor of an institution, I would make such a sentiment real. (I can't make it more understandable, I think you can do better)

Well, I can't give a perfect example, but what I want to say is to clearly state ethics in the front can avoid confusion.

Mein

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Ethical arguments of our time/ Lehigh Sup - Values/priorities of my institution. [4]

Honestly, I don't understand your essay. What topic of study did you choose? Ethics? testing mind? Although You stated it in the title, I think you need to state it in the essay too.

What's really hard to understand is the first paragraph, if you can fix that I think your essay will become much better.

Please help me too.

Mein

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The best jobs' - Why I want to study engineering - Rice University [2]

To me/ In my eyes, engineers have the best jobs. They get to solve puzzles all day long, be hands on, create designs, and help others while they are at it. With an engineering degree ~~from Rice University~~ ( I think you should just talk about engineering in general) , so many doors would open for me to be able to change the world. Regardless of what type of engineering I choose to study, I know that everyday that I wake up and go to work, I want the opportunity to be creative and do what I love. (Revise this, it's confusing) I have a ~~extremely~~ strong interest in the arts ~~and have been artistic since I was young~~ . I am also very interested in problem solving and research associated with sciences.Engineering is the best for me, as it lets me to chase my career while I can do what I like . Being that I want to change lives(whose life? you?) as I study and work in a field that I love, I have narrowed my search down to biomedical and civil engineering. With a degree in biomedical engineering, I would ~~literally~~ (I don't think you should use that word.) be able to save lives. I could design and create~~, and engineer~~ medical prostheses, imaging technology, implants and a plethora of other devices to save lives. My best friend's mother recently passed away after losing her battle with cancer. Being able to create imaging devices or other medical technology would allow me to save lives of people like her and give them the opportunity to live - an opportunity that my friend's mother never had. On the other side , if I were to go in the other direction and choose structural engineering, I could create incredible buildings with great, creative designs that are safe for use. Also, as the engineer, I could create buildings that use environmentally friendly materials in order to benefit the environment. These materials would also serve to benefit those who use the buildings. There are so many different ways for an engineer to help and change society. Whichever engineering path I choose to take, I know that I would enjoy every day of it.

Please help me too! Especially on my what matters essay.

Mein

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / I come from a different background than yours; Stanford Roommate [3]

Your essay needs some variety; parallel some sentence and vary your words; don't just use I am.... or I..., use some addition like although...., my hobby is.... or something like that.

Mein

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / My brother hated school; Boston College ; Experience affecting perception [3]

I agree with yuzec, you should focus on your feeling, your change of perception, and how your brother trigger that change.

Mein

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Feelings; Stanford/ What matters to you [2]

Please help me!

What matters to you and why?

Will I cry when someone precious to me die? That is the question that I have asked a long time ago, and today I know the answer; I will cry when someone that's important to me die. If I don't cry, won't that mean that they are not precious to me? I believe what matters to me is feeling. If I am happy when I am with a person, that means that she/he is a good person, and potentially become my friend. It determines what's important to me and what's not. It also determine what I like and what I don't like. For example, when listening to music, I always search for a song that matches my current feeling; I don't know my current feeling, it just I will change the song if I don't really want to listen current song.

Even though I said feeling matters to me, I don't really understand my feeling. Sometimes I can't be sad when I should be. That's why I always wonder whether it's important to me or not. I want to cry when someone precious to me die. I want to feel happy when I see someone I love, when she is happy, and when we talk. I want to feel guilty when I do something wrong.

I don't want to lose this; life without emotion is bland, boring, and colourless. Sure, feeling can be destructive sometimes, but if we can balance it with good reasoning can logic, I'm sure we can see the colour of every second we spend, because feeling is the epitome of our instinct, the support of our wits, and the essence of beauty.

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Writing Feedback / KNOWN DEVIL IS BETTER THAN UNKNOWN; " People naturally resist changes in their live [3]

Overall, your essay need more work; there are some ideas that don't connect, and some sentence is simply weird or has the opposite meaning.

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / A lighthouse faintly visible in the distance: NYU Supp! What intrigues you ? [3]

You should add detail about how significant the nature is to you, and I think you need more work on the first paragraph

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / EducationUSA adviser advised me to apply to Gettysburg; Gettysburg Supp/ Interest? [5]

After getting the Opportunity Fund Scholarship, my EducationUSA adviser advised me to apply to Gettysburg. It's low student-faculty ratio liberal arts college will help me get involved with academic as well as social engagements...

I will also have the opportunity to engage myself in community service and learn to play music instruments and sports that I have only dreamt of playing.

Omit the last sentence

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Teaching and volunteering; Gettysburg Supp: "Make a difference" [5]

How about:
Because even orphans have the right in access of education.
It's kind of weird, but you get the meaning, right?

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / New environment,culture, tradition, education & a lifestyle; Brown U/Cubism question) [4]

Adding above, you should add the detail about the "hopeless community" and also the example when you go higher and lower at that community.

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / I come from Jombang; Stanford:Roommate [3]

Thank you.

Mein

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / College man! I can't wait! It's going to be the best time of our life! - Letter to Stanford roommate [7]

If I got into Stanford with this opening line, and if you read this essay, you would probably ask yourself by now if partying is all I cared about !?

I am a guy who enjoys good atmosphere and good music.

Talking about music... And his song is great as a jogging partner(or whatever you want to put, I don't know the right word) because...

This can make the essay more coherent (though I still think that it's kind of forced), but it will lose the focus about your love for sport and shift the focus on music instead.

I would appreciate your help on my essay, especially on my roommate essay ^-^

Mein

Dec 29, 2012

Undergraduate / Granddad; Common App: Significant person and influence essay [6]

The rework in the final is good.
Can I take that your grandfather is kind of stubborn or has some sense of duty ? (it's hard to tell, but it's people that dislike to avoid subject) You can use that as a contrast to his avoidance.

Oh, can you help me on my essay too? Especially on my letter essay.

Mein

Dec 29, 2012

Undergraduate / Granddad; Common App: Significant person and influence essay [6]

and my mother was ~~now~~ occupied calming him down or convincing the doctors to help.

no matter how ambiguous, unimportant and insignificant it may appear when

I think you need to work on the opening of the third paragraph. It doesn't connect with the second paragraph.

Ultimately, in a time of my great need he supported me without needing anything from me. He gave me all of his time, patience, and love when nobody else could. I wish that I never have to be what Granddad was to me to anybody else (it's hard to understand), because then another must have experienced a comparable time of misery as I did, but given his influences on me, I know that should it be necessary, then I will give my devoted presence to someone elsemay be all they need (again, I don't understand this part).

Mein

Dec 29, 2012

Undergraduate / I come from Jombang; Stanford:Roommate [3]

I would like to ask you to criticize my essay as much as possible

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Good day, how are you? I am glad that both of us can attend at Stanford University. First, my name is Ibrahim Nadiyan, and my friends usually call me Ibrahim. I come from Jombang, a small town in Indonesia. Well, I have to tell you that I am quiet messy. But, don't worry; the only place that will be messy is my bed and my desk, so I just want to ask you to tolerate my messiness a little.

I love playing games, although it's not a game technically. I also like to watch anime; you know, a Japanese cartoon. I have a big collection of them, so if you want to watch, just ask me; I have many recent anime, but don't have any anime that's famous like Bleach or Naruto. The other thing is I love listening to music with genre symphonic metal like Nighwish or Sirenia and I usually use earphone, so you don't have to worry if you want a quiet time. I am weird, and I need you to constantly remind me if I am going to do something stupid, as sometimes I can't think straight. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I am forgetful too, but don't worry, I have a flexible schedule, though I don't know what you should worry about. I am in between quiet and noisy; rather, I can be either one depending on my emotion.

Oh, and my first impression is definitely different from what I have written. I rarely talk about myself, and only in my own mind and my writing I can freely talk like extroverted people. Well, from what I have described about myself, you should have understood, but I will tell you clearly; I am an introvert, with some extent of extroversion inside me. What am I talking about? Hoho, even I don't understand my own blabbering sometimes. Well, that's all about me, I wish our college life can be fun!

The second essay is not finished yet, could you give suggestion how it should end?

What matters to you, and why?

Will I cry when someone precious to me die? That is the question that I have asked a long time ago, and today I know the answer; I will cry when someone that's important to me die. If I don't cry, won't that mean that they are not precious to me? I believe what matters to me is feeling. If I am happy when I am with a person, that means that she/he is a good person, and potentially become my friend. It determines what's important to me and what's not. It also determine what I like and what I don't like. For example, when listening to music, I always search for a song that matches my current feeling; I don't know my current feeling, it just I will change the song if I don't really want to listen current song.

Even though I said feeling matters to me, I don't really understand my feeling. I understand when it's sad, but sometimes I can't be sad when I have to. That's why I always wonder whether it's important to me or not.

Mein

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / There are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just choose the other. [11]

Thank you for your feedback. The essay doesn't sound too wordy right?

Mein

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / There are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just choose the other. [11]

Thank you so much guys for your feedback.

Mein

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / I saw it as well.; PS;Princeton/Yale/Harvard Supp;Mountain climbing experience [3]

On the second paragraph, I believe it would be better if you change the word altitude, it can be confusing.
And the fourth paragraph is kind of confusing, it's hard to understand except for the flashback. What's ironical? what idea did you have? I think you need to fix the flow from the third to fourth paragraph.

Mein

Dec 26, 2012

Undergraduate / There are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just choose the other. [11]

Please help me on my essay

As there are a thousand ways to Rome, there are a thousand ways of success. If we don't succeed in one way, we can just try the other way. And people can choose which way they will take to succeed. That's what I have thought for a long time. If I am not successful in my Olympiad, I thought that I can simply do my best in school performance and get to favourite university in my country. If I can't get into any university in USA this year, I can simply go into a good university in Indonesia and reapply next year.

This idea makes me always think about all the possible outcome and try to think what I should do next on each possibility. It gives me sense of security because with that, I know what I should do if I mess up. Just like what I want to do in the future. If possible, I want to make a good university that's cheap and try to increase its quality to the point it can be compared with any other foreign universities.

Still, not all dreams can be realized. That's why I also think to build a research centre that's not only do research on chemistry, but also biology, physics, psychology, and the inter-discipline. And I have another plan if that fails too. I will always search for alternative to my dream. Even if I can't realize my dream, I'm willing to compromise; because my ultimate goal is to help Indonesia. And I won't compromise with that goal. But I know that everyone can't do that. Some are not as gifted as I am, thus they don't have many choices. Still, if they believe that they have another choice and don't give up, they can do better because they don't have to constantly worry about what will happen to them if they fail.