Undergraduate / Not giving up; JMU Personal Statement [3]

I just need help with editing and seeing if you get a sense of the person I am:)
Thanks!

You may use your personal statement to highlight special interests, talents, goals or unique experiences (500-word maximum)

I planted my feet firmly on the ground, as I raised my stick in attempt to block off the six foot tall girl charging toward me. I squeezed my eyes shut in preparation for what was about to occur; before I knew it, I was knocked down to the floor with instant pain running through me. The whistle blew signifying that she had score, cueing the cheers of the opposing team. I laid on the cold, wet grass wondering what I had got myself into; I was no lacrosse girl. I could barely properly hold the stick right. But as much as I wanted to quit, I knew that was not an option. I had finally committed myself into trying something new.

I was never supposed to play lacrosse; in all honesty, I never heard of the sport before my friend began gushing about how great it was. She was in charge of recruiting the next season's Junior Varsity team, and I seemed to be next on her list. I refused a countless number of times, stating how I lacked of physical ability, and basic reflexes. Alas, that did not stop her until I had finally agreed in an attempt to get her off my case.

I distinctively remember the first day of conditioning; the coach was already irritated at the amount of girls arriving late and for punishment, he ordered us to run four laps around the track. As I began my second lap, I felt my heart beating furiously with pain shooting through my side. I went up to the coach and lied straight to his face, stating that I had a dentist appointment to go to. Oblivious to my lie, he agreed and shouted "see you tomorrow then!" I dreaded those words, as all I wanted to do was quit.

That night, I laid on my bed, furious at myself for quitting so easily. I was capable of doing those laps; sure, it would take some time and eating right, but nothing else was stopping me from completing them. I began reminiscing my past activities I had quit so easily; tennis, piano, ballet, soccer, everything I tried I had quit without fail. "No" I thought to myself. This time would be different. No matter how painful or dreadful lacrosse may be, I vowed to myself that I would complete the season without any quits whatsoever.

After three months of attempting to learn to cradling, catching, and the defense position, I knew terrible at the sport. But, I learned how much I enjoyed the adeline rush of going onto the field and playing the sport. All my life, I had walked away from a countless number of activities because I was afraid of failing and being bad at it; when I finally faced my fears, I understood how amazing a new experience and not giving up could be. Although my schoolwork has prevented me from continuing this newfound passion of mine, I now know that trying new things can lead to another interest that can truly change your life.

Undergraduate / Canadian idol; VT Common App -Best day of my life? [6]

First draft, OVER WORD LIMIT
250 IS THE MAX AND ITS 332 :( HELP WITH EDITS TOO PLEASE!!
THANK YOU!!

The best day of my life (so far) was... Please tell a story that allows us to experience your best day.
The flashing lights; the enthusiastic atmosphere; everything was perfect for the night that would turn out unimaginable. December 11th was the day that I got to see the world famous, teen heartthrob Justin Bieber with my very own eyes. The unexpected would occur, and a lot of tears would be shed, but in the end I would be left with a memory that would forever stain my mind for the rest of my life.

Everything seemed to be going wrong at first. The traffic caused much commotion, causing us to be almost late to the concert, and our seats were nowhere near close to the stage. I was beginning to believe that the best night of my life would be a disaster.

And then, that's when it happened. One of the managers had come up and asked if I would like to move up to floor seats to see him perform. I stared at him in disbelief as tears welled up in my eyes and exclaimed, "Yes, yes please!" As he guided me down the flight of stairs, I remember looking back and screaming with glee toward other "Beliebers" as they clapped with excitement for me.

The seats were so amazingly close, that I could make out even the color of his eyes. I had my Nikon camera in one hand and my other arm waving to the beat of the music, enjoying the once in a lifetime moment, when suddenly,*click*..my camera shuts off. My heart sunk for a moment, and then I realized I didn't need to start worrying over it; my idol of three years was performing right fifteen feet away from me and a camera should be the least of my worries. I continued waving both hands and jumping for joy throughout his performance, and at one point, I remember making clear eye contact with him.

Needless to say, this Canadian idol that makes girls cry made December 11th one of the most memorable nights of my life

Ending sucks, I know. Help me with it?

Undergraduate / Counting down the days for my BIRTHDAY; UVA / Favorite WORD [3]

I had to cut down over 200 words...and here I am with 326 words with the word limit being 250..
Can you help by revising it/checking if it makes sense?
All help is appreciated! Thank you!

What is your favorite word and why?
Balloons fly everywhere in a sea of colors as candles are blown out. At age 5, all my heart desired was a pony. Fast forward- I finally get that new MP3 player I've been eyeing. Friends and family members stick by my side as I blow out 10 candles on my castle-shaped cake. Blink once-. my QuinceaĂąera dress wraps itself around me as I waltz with my father, following the beat of the music with each step I take. The music begins to fade and here I am; age 17, fast approaching 18. Memories flood back to me and excite me for the future the moment I think of this word: birthday.

As I grew out of my Barbie stage, I remember counting down the days until I became 13, the day in which I considered, would make me automatically "cool". Being a teenager was the best thing to be at the time. Before I knew it I'm 13, wanting to be 16, so that I could start driving the new Honda that I falsely expected my parents to buy me.

Here I am at age 17- car-less and with less than 3 months away from my 18th birthday. As I reflect on my past birthdays, you may be wondering "do I look forward to my 18th birthday?" The answer is: Yes and no. Not only am I looking forward to being legal, but to the future itself. Sitting here, I wonder "what will my life be like my 25th or 50th birthday? As a child, birthdays made me look forward to turning a certain age; right now, I could care less about the number. Birthdays make me look forward into the future, and how my life will unfold until the very last time I blow out those candles. No one knows when that will be, but as long as I have my birthdays, I will always have a reason to be counting down the days.

Undergraduate / "Since we're all going to die".....UVA [6]

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

"Since we're all going to die, it's obvious that when and how don't matter." This quote from Albert Camus' The Stranger (also known as The Outsider), literally defines the exact opposite of what my view on life is. I felt a huge amount of difficulty and [INSERT WORD] reading this novel for my junior year English class. The main character, Mersault irrationally kills a man, and shows no remorse whatsoever. Once he is thrown in jail, he shares his thoughts with the readers, explaining that he wouldn't care if had died at that very moment. Life to him is meaningless, and the fact that he does not fear death made reading this book fill my head with questions. Are there truly people out there who wake up each morning thinking that there is no point in living, and that it does not matter when the end comes? Can people kill others this easily? Although it baffled me at first to believe that individuals like that exist, it also made me come to realization that this isn't a perfect world. There is much flaws in it, and for that reason, we have to accept all the views of everyone. As surprising as it was to view life from a different point of view, every individual has the right to their own perspective.

Harsh criticism/Revisions are welcomed! Please help with word choice as well! Does it make sense/ answer the question?
Thank you!

Undergraduate / RACISM; Issue of personal, local, national or international concern [4]

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

In the words of Bob Marley; "Until the philosophy which hold one race superior, and another inferior is finally, and permanently discredited, and abandoned, everywhere is war, me say war."

Racism. It has caused countless wars and brutal arguments to erupt. The word that had caused me pain and disbelief in my younger, adolescent age. I was only starting out in middle school when I first encountered how cruel the world could be. Leaving a close-knit elementary school, I believed that everyone out there was genial and compassionate towards others; Thus, I was not prepared for the surprise I received as I walked out of my 1st period class on a humid, September day.

A clueless, petrified girl wandered the halls, almost in tears, pleading in Spanish, to the students around her to help her find her classes. The so called group of 8th graders gave one look at her and laughed right in her face, causing rivers of tears to explode out of her brown eyes. Shocked at their rudeness, I approached her without a second thought and told her in Spanish that I would gladly help, even though I didn't know where I was going myself. Her bright smile vanished as she saw two girls saunter to us to say "this is America. You don't belong here if you can't speak English. Get out of our country" and proceeded to snatch our books and throw them in the trash can. I could feel the anger bubble up my body. I wanted to yell back at them, but I was too afraid of what they could say back; never in my life had I experienced something as cruel and unforgivable as what those two girls said that morning. As the crowd of merciless 8th graders dispersed, I remember the other girl crying that she can't afford to be late to class. Her cries struck me with pain as all I wanted to do was cry as well. I realized that there was no point in crying, and proceeded to dig through the trash to find our books. I told her "Don't worry, I promise I'll get you to class on time", and we began racing down the hall.

After that life-changing moment, all I ever see in the news and around me are fights over being different from one another; why does that all matter to us? All racism has ever caused for me and for the world is pain. There is no need to fight against one another if we are living for the same purpose. People should be proud of their heritage, never ashamed. After my incident, I learned the importance of keeping my religion and culture close as it shows the world who I am. I will never let anyone tell me otherwise, and if I see an act of racism in front of me, I've vowed myself to stop it, as no one should ever have to face the pain of being ashamed by the color of their skin.

Any criticism is fine!! Please help with any revisions, and if it actually answers the question!

Undergraduate / "Pop!"; What is your favorite word and why? [3]

"Pop!" go the streamers. Balloons fly everywhere in a sea of colors as the candles are blown out. At age 5, all I wanted in life was a pony and all the Barbies that existed. Fast forward- I finally get that new MP3 player I've been eyeing for the past year. Friends and family members stick by my side as I blow out 10 candles on my castle-shaped cake. Blink once- I'm surrounded by a wave of dancers as" Tiempo De Vals" blast through the venue. My QuinceaĂąera dress wraps itself around me as I waltz with my father, following the beat of the music with each step I take. The music begins to fade and here I am; age 17, fast approaching age 18. The memories of all the past years flood back to me and it excites me for the future the moment I hear or think of this one word: birthday.

As a kid, I would always be counting down the days until my next birthday starting from day 364. Just hearing that word would spring a smile across my face, with the thought of the presents and the desserts flying everywhere on that special day. My birthday would give me something to look forward to every single day, as it would be one day closer to turning whatever age I would be turning. At age 5, all I could care about would be what Barbie's would I be getting for a gift. I was in love with those plastic perfect toys, and I had no other desires whatsoever.

As I grew out of my Barbie stage, I began looking forward to becoming what most kids today dream about; a teenager. At age 10, I remember counting out the days until my 13th birthday, the day in which I consider, would make me automatically the coolest girl around. At 13, I would finally be able to shop at "grow up" stores like the oh-so popular Abercrombie and Hollister stores. Before I know it I'm 13, wanting to be 16, so that I could start driving the new Honda that I falsely expected my parents to buy me.

Here I am at age 17- car-less and with less than 3 months away from my 18th birthday. As I reflect on my past birthdays, you may be wondering "am I looking forward to my 18th birthday?" The answer is: Yes and no. Not only am I looking forward to being the big 1-8, but I'm looking forward to the future. Sitting here at my desk on this December day, I wonder "what will my life be like at my 25th birthday? Will I be married by the time I turn 30?" As a child, birthdays made me look forward to turning a certain age and the benefits that come with that; right now, I could care less about the age. Birthdays make me look forward into the future, and wonder how my life will unfold until the very last time I blow out those candles. No one knows when that will be, but as long as I have my birthdays, I will always have a reason to be counting down 364 days again.

Undergraduate / My compulsive need to finish everything I started; William & Mary/Unique & Colorful? [2]

I'm over the word count, so I was hoping some kind soul would be willing to help me edit/ or tell me what parts should go and what needs to be fixed! Thank you again!

Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us, or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude, but please restrict your submission to what will fit on one sheet of paper

Its pages are left unturned as it gazes at you open a new one, not even considering the emotions that's going through it right now. Feelings of abandonment, being inferior, and anguish well up inside, knowing that you will never know of the plot twists that were just about to occur. But do you care enough for that lousy looking book to continue reading it? Well, strangely enough, I do.

What makes me unique is my compulsive need to finish everything I start. I just can't get past how it must feel to be left there unfinished. I almost feel sympathy for a book if I don't finish reading it; as if it hadn't done its job correctly to give me that heart-grasping need to know the ending. These thoughts race through my mind as I reach towards a new piece of literature, knowing that I have one with an bookmark stuck 2/3 's in the way in. How must it feel to be left alone, knowing that no one may ever come back to read you?

What about movies? I have this odd feeling that if I don't finish it, I'll be missing out on the best thing that has happen since the new Justin Bieber single came out. Take for example, the movie Inception; in the beginning, nearly half of the movie goers were sleeping (one of them being a man in serious need of a Slient Snooz Snoring Aid). As my friends began arguing whether or not it was time to ditch the movie, I debated that we hadn't given the movie that much of a chance yet. First off, they gave me a bizarre look that spoke for itself at the fact that I had acknowledged that the movie as a person; Secondly, they decided that since every other theater was at its max capacity, that they'd stay and try to enjoy it. Toward the end, all of us were at the edge of our seats as we watched Leonardo Dicaperio and his colleagues save themselves from a vortex of time travelling. In short, best decision ever made.

Not only is this what makes me different, but I consider this one of my biggest pet peeves ever; when someone throws away a bottle of whatever it may be, with some of it left in it. Oh how it grinds my gears when I see a bottle of lotion sticking out of the trash with a perfectly decent amount of it left. It feels as though someone had ripped my heart out and did the Mexican Hat Dance on it. An unwanted feeling of irritation seizes my body as I stare blankly into the barrel of trash, thinking of how easy it could have been to finish that bottle of lotion. All it needs is a bit more squeezes before it is thrown in the trash for good; how hard is that to consider?

What I believe drives me toward the impulse of finishing everything I do must relate back to how much I care about other's feelings. It might be a bit unusual for you, my dear admissions officer, to find an undergrad applicant with the idea that even inanimate objects have emotions in them, but that's exactly on point with what I feel like. I just can't grasp the idea of leaving behind an unfinished object, with the idea that either I am missing out on the greatest thing ever, or that it could still be used and it's just being wasted. Whether the origin of these feelings may be, one thing's for sure: no bottle of lotion is being thrown away without an inspection by yours truly.

Undergraduate / change is good; William and Mary /type of person [4]

First off, thank you for takign the time to help me with editing my paper! This is my first draft and I am in need of some serious revision! Feel free to edit whatever and give me any feedback you have.

If you can, please let me know if it answers the question...Can you get a sense of what type of person I am?
Thank you!!
Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us, or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude, but please restrict your submission to what will fit on one sheet of paper

When I first read the prompt, I thought to myself "this is going to be a piece of cake". Now I've realized that I have spent over 3 hours rewriting this essay into what I want it to be like, and it took me that long to understand that there is no right or wrong in writing this supplement. There is no analyzing extensive and painful information about why the Civil War began; there isn't any need to evaluate why the author chose to make the curtains blue; and there is definitely no reason to throw in the classic 5 paragraph format that everyone dreads; this is what I want it to be. Adding in long and complex words won't win me any points nor will adding a quote that I had randomly found on Tumblr. I don't need to worry about being graded over how "true" my writing is, because anything is true in here! Although, it is a bit scary to be going away from what I have always been taught in school, but as many would say change is good.

Given this newly found freedom makes me feel a bit powerful, I may add. I could write about nearly anything, from my deep love for teen idol sensation, Justin Bieber, to the time I first tried octopus and nearly threw it up right in front of me. Okay, maybe you don't want to hear that story, but my point is, I've never had this much control or say in the papers I write. Apart from being a positive and cheerful person, I never liked to try new things; it just scared the gibbers out of me. I would always fear "what if this happened" or "what if that happened". I never liked change. But as a New Year approaches, I have realized that it's time to change my attitude, and it's strange how it took a college essay to understand what I have been missing. It's time to throw away some old rule books, and start taking risks in more things in life.

So I want to personally thank you, my dear admissions officer, for taking the time to read my journey in discovering that life isn't always about following the rules. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and who knows, it could be the best thing that had happened to you since the new Justin Bieber single came out. If William and Mary could teach me this much solely though their prompt, I can't imagine the type of valuable things I would learn going there.

Undergraduate / "Birthday"/ Joy it brought to my childhood; What is your favorite word and why? [5]

I want to say that "Birthday" is my favorite word, because I remember how much joy it brought to my childhood..
and then I want to transition to how it changed from wanting gifts at age 5 to wanting to be 16 to drive, 18 to be an adult, etc.

Lastly, I want to say how it will be like in the future; for example, I want to be like what will it be at age 40...will I be excited or scared of aging?

The thing is...what does this show of my character?
How would I even start this?
Sorry for all the questions, but I really would love some feedback.