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Posts by manjot
Joined: Jan 7, 2013		 Last Post: May 8, 2013
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Posts: 30  
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From: India

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manjot   
May 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / Problems created by widespread use of the Internet [3]

By the advent of the Internet and being ubiquitous,

and its ubiquity

the world was channeled into an innovative dimension which makes an alteration on life

which made ?

there are many challenging issues have been brought by the internet

issues brought by the internet

Although couples of benefits

* couple

There are some mistakes in this one, I suggest proof-reading it on Word processor .

Honestly, Does it have to both ways, Can you answer in only the advantages or disadvantages only, that way it will be clearer. Is this an argumentative essay ?

Like my post if you found it helpful :)
manjot   
May 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Is life better when lived in a small town? [5]

Everyone is friendly,and its entertainment at times.

People in small cities are generally friendlier and more entertaining than the people residing in cities.

First,I think living in a small town is cheaper because you save alot of money

Firstly, Living in a small town is cheaper than living in a city.

And their is more programs for people

And their are more programs for people

Second

Secondly,

Playing in the mud is fun rather its walking in it, or riding a four wheeler thru it.And some people. drive there trucks thru it.

Re-phrase that, its a confusing sentence.

For the conclusion, just summarize on the points and write out the theme.

Like my post if you found it helpful
manjot   
May 6, 2013
Undergraduate / I wish to return to Uzbekistan and work for General Motors; APU Application [4]

I can see that you're sincere but at the end you sound a little desperate, give them reason and logic to accept you ,

, If you give me a chance to study at your university,I will represent what a great decision you made and will never let you down. As a consequence, one day you will feel proud of me.

There are a lot of mistakes in this one, I would suggest proof-reading it and giving the essay to your English teacher, for correction.

You are giving the wrong vibes in this essay, proof-read it and get back to me

Like this post if you found it helpful :)
manjot   
May 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / Utilizing sustainable habits to improve mental, physical and financial well being. [2]

What is the word limit ? You need more paragraphs to make this essay look organized . Remember to give two space-lines between paragraphs. The starting is not catchy or memorable. Start with a story/ anecdote or compare facts after recession and before. You need a memorable start to the paper. It does have a very formal feeling to it . This looks well- researched.

Summarize on the ending.

Being physically healthy is an important consideration for families as well, but with little time for the gym and a lack of quality food options there ( where ?)

Its a well written, definitely daunting essay ( too big ) . Are you in the word limit ?

Like this post , if you found it helpful :)
manjot   
May 3, 2013
Essays / Critique on philosophy essay regarding Western vs African medicine [3]

between the two forms; namely their treatment choices,

semi-colon use does not seem to be correct.

I'd say you do not need more than 3-4 paragraphs. Too many paragraphs seem messy. Give more meat to the conclusion, You still have some words to spare!

Like my post is its helpful :)
manjot   
May 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / SAT: Are there situations where it is more ethical not to follow established rules? [4]

kridUessay

I'd say start with an anecdote, about a situation where one man/ idea was more important than a whole society.

The SAT people love detailed examples, not more than 2 examples. Avoid writing short sentences such as " He saved her life. " It breaks the flow of the essay. You need better transitions and better examples. How about Abraham Lincoln and Slavery, it was considered normal for the whole society.

Use paragraphs with clear transitions. Some errors I spotted :

In Thailand and other Buddhism countries

* Buddhist Countries

Although the laws serves

* law serves

He could not know what she thought about her life.

* change the sentence

He said that the situation was immediate and he did not want to let her die.

* want for her to die ?

Did you write this according to the the time-line of the SAT ?

Please give me an up vote/ like if this helped you :)
manjot   
Apr 20, 2013
Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, what makes me right. [3]

Please be as thorough and cruel as possible. Please rate the quality and convey your valuable opinions on the essay. Please help me get this scholarship

The Prompt :

Please complete a statement outlining how you meet the criteria of the award and how the scholarship will help you achieve your future goals. 400 words 26th April Deadline.

Please briefly outline the qualities and aptitude you will bring to the role of Student Ambassador for the University of Glasgow.
Banana, Orange, and Lemon all knew what they wanted to be, but Apple couldn't decide. The banana said, "When I get out of here I am going to be a banana split". Orange, apparently, wanted to be orange juice.

I pause and glance at the tender, glistening eyes of my students, hoping to discover their reaction to the ridiculous notion of fruits having careers. As the Head of Department and Main English teacher in Prayas, a school that provides inclusive education to impoverished and physically challenged children, I always try to infect my students with my zeal for knowledge. I designed a new curriculum that prioritized speaking and grammar to nurture a strong foundation of vital English skills. I designed this course to cater to the special needs of my peculiar students, reading the newspaper was the usual homework; weekly personal tests measured my students' progress. With an inquisitive approach, I tried to make the education experience riveting, modern and intimate. My upbringing taught me to adore the pursuit of knowledge and share my voracious appetite for knowledge with everyone I associate with. Thus, through rigorous effort, I hope to share my passion for knowledge by fostering education in the underprivileged parts of the globe.

The undergraduate excellence scholarship will provide me the necessary funds to continue summer volunteering at Prayas School . It will enable me to participate and design a mélange of initiatives and projects with the aim of providing an intimate and modern educational experience to hundreds of children from unfortunate backgrounds.

"Seek knowledge from cradle to grave", I have been clinging to this sincere piece of advice by my grandmother ever since I remember embracing a book. From engrossing in books on scientific computing and data structures to perusing the writings of James Joyce or learning about the architecture in medieval Europe, each day brings an opportunity to learn something new simply for the love of learning about it. Education is a progressive discovery; an intellectual journey that turns mirrors into windows. As a student ambassador, my experience in the educational field will help me convey information with a deep compassion to prospective students. I will try to inject enthusiasm and keenness to higher education by divulging some of many idiosyncrasies of the University of Glasgow. A passionate and warm approach with a hint of charisma make me a fitting match for the role of Student Ambassador.
manjot   
Feb 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Essay - Thoughts on thesis? - essay for Shakespeare (UAS) class [10]

The character Lago should be in Italics with capital L

Iago is a master manipulator whose cunning strength lies in is a strong force of ontological negation.
It definitely needs more paragraph, it has a daunting look, needs more organization

He takes every opportunity he has to belittle her in the hopes of nullifying her traits

Its clear that you have a clear understanding of this topic.

well written, Good Luck

Help with mine ?
manjot   
Feb 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Sinking Deep into the labyrinths of my mind lays an itch- WHY Uchicago? [4]

This essay is supplemental, I have already submitted the application and aim to add this as a new piece. I have already answered to Why Uchicago Essay but I felt like many parts were untouched .

Please review the essay and tell me if I should send this and If it well help my application, Thanks !

The Itch

Sinking Deep into the labyrinths of my mind lays an itch; unlike most of its colleagues, this itch does not back away even when distracted by pressing testosterone; bombard it with placebic lotions or scorch it with obsolete flamethrowers, it still has the nerve to eat other itches for breakfast with a hint of fava beans. It's the persistent itch to discover and learn, to experiment and investigate. Developed by reading a mélange of books, this itch has transformed into a voracious but worthy companion.

The University of Chicago will feed this itch, from discussion based classes in the challenging core curriculum to student-led lectures on quirky topics; I am enthralled and infatuated with the University of Chicago's emphasis on inquiry and reason. The challenging interdisciplinary classes will intellectually stimulate my mind and challenge me to persevere. The core curriculum's extensive grasp on arts and sciences will equip me with the skills necessary to become an engineer who works on educational software to connect and communicate with different unprivileged parts of the globe. Software development exhilarates me; it sets my pulses racing and ignites a fire in me. I am eager to learn more about the sophisticated world of software development and overcome challenges. At Uchicago, I will have the chance to explore different facets of technology,from taking classes on game construction to gaining critical skills through myriad internships and co-op opportunities or participating in abundant research prospects in campus or in a study abroad program in Beijing, Uchicago offers vast resources and exciting prospects. At Uchicago, I will find an idiosyncratic family with peculiar traditions and communities. One of the communities I am eagerly looking forward to is the Balle Bhangra. As a Sikh, Bhangra is an integral part of our culture and I am glad that Bhangra has a place in the University of Chicago. Thus, by providing me with a quirky family and challenging curriculum, the University of Chicago is a stimulating center where I seek to intellectually thrive.
manjot   
Jan 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / How most people in my country earn a living! [3]

It is tasted by many people around the world.

People are fond of Shri Lankan tea sounds better.

Huge sums of money are made by local shop owners, taxi drivers, hotels and tourist guides through tourists.

Its passive voice, make it active voice.

I think its short, and too many paragraphs , make it 2-3 paragraphs and ideas should be coherent.

Like my post if you find it helpful.
manjot   
Jan 11, 2013
Undergraduate / Ambition to learn and ability to adapt and persevere - How I enrich CU community [3]

This doesn't really answer the question, it shows you faced hardships, you should mould it to answer the question. If you are gonna write about hardships , you have to give more space to how you overcame them and made the man you are.

I'm the man of the house and I'd have to say where I come from and what I have been through is what makes me unique from other applicants.

You sure you want to write that ?

When my mom was working I took care of the 3 younger kids that were there causing me to miss ample amounts of school for the next two years of my life causing my grades to be crippled.

Wrong Place, Additional Information is a better place
manjot   
Jan 11, 2013
Undergraduate / "I aspire to become a pediatric nurse"UCLA Nursing Statement of Purpose [3]

I was four when I discovered my penchant for art. I was twelve when I claimed the world of writing as my own.

First Show, Then tell

I was sixteen when I put others' needs before mine. Awkward Framing,

At sixteen, I learned to be grateful and compassionate.

It may have been a brief experience, but I learned of gratitude, altruism, and diligence

but it inculcated the values of gratitude, altruism, and diligence

I instinctively inscribed

inscribed ? Where?

This has good ideas, but the essay can be much better.

you didn't say y UCLA ?

Like this post if you find it helpful
manjot   
Jan 11, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Reed; My high school experience and how it shaped my interest in Reed [2]

Definitely needs a stronger first sentence, do not start with Being

From that moment forward there was only one school to attend, Reed! ( this sentence should come later)

Needs more context, you should write about why you liked Reed from magazines/postcards and why you chose to apply.

This system of grading encourages a creative freedom within intellectuality that will allow me to grow in ways I could not if I was chasing letters.

Chasing letters ? Grades ?

Is your name Zachary Dugan, thats a cool name

Overall, this can be a much better essay, I did feel you were trying to be quirky with your essay but honestly your quirkiness doesn't shine through

What is the word limit ?, This is huge

Like my post if you find this helpful
manjot   
Jan 11, 2013
Undergraduate / I am the girl with the curly hair ; COMMON APP - About Myself [6]

Describe your hair at the start of the essay, adds context to it , There is no specific characteristic about you, your essay comes off as disjointed and full of unconnected ideas, Its just not precise and clear. You can also describe how different culture have different which become their identity. You love for learning languages can come off much better. There are many things here that show you off as dreamy, I would suggest proofreading this properly.

Like my post if you find this helpful .
manjot   
Jan 10, 2013
Research Papers / Comparison essay between android and apple [4]

You can start with their nature , Android is open while OS X is closed. You can discuss advantages as well as disadvantages of both structures. You can also write about their history or OS X has a lot of applications which are controlled while Andriod is just a crazy market.
manjot   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / I am a Sponge - USC (Motto - "Let whoever earns the palm bear it") [4]

Okay, I love the end

major I pursue as treasures

majors I pursue as treasures ? I am deserving of being given their knowledge. ( I deserve their knowledge?)

not just because of the joy I gain from learning about them, but (also) for the opportunity of being able to utilize this passion for others

Classic SAT error.

And what is the prompt ?
manjot   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Milestone for our company; Business Management and Marketing- UK Personal Statement [5]

Okay, You do have a lot of experiences , you have to cut one of them. You should begin by describing a piece of circumstance or dialogue ( if you can ) that you encountered in one of many experiences.

I have been a volunteer for six months at euRespect organization, place where I have met a lot of people with disabilities, where I have adopted a more tolerant and empathic attitude and where I have succeeded to change other people views about persons with locomotion problems.

you should describe the organization and cut "place"

where I have adopted can be framed better. where I learnt to be compassionate and grateful sounds better. The bold paragraph can be much better. Cut back on some experiences and focus on the most influential and add part parts to opportunities in the Great Britain or what you plan to do with your education, thats much more important than listing all of your experiences

Good Luck and Proofread !
manjot   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / The land of opportunities; Berea Essay- Education+ Life experience Overview/ Plans [6]

Quality education being one of the highest priorities of mine,

As receiving a quality education is my highest priority,

But for me it is a land of education and technology where brilliance is respected and education is given at the highest standard possible.

Do not start the sentence with but,

and education is of high standards
manjot   
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Milestone for our company; Business Management and Marketing- UK Personal Statement [5]

Okay, you need more substance to the start.

As a result of my determination I have earned the Bronze and Silver Standard in the International Award for Young People, therefore making me think of myself as a powerful woman who can achieve anything I put in mind.

The last part is a bit... feisty !, personally, I would change that. There are some grammatical errors here and there, you should proofread it .
manjot   
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / competition / no compassionate and considerate ; LMU / Fr. Arrupe? [6]

I think you should write more about how Amra helped people .

I act upon my thoughts or emotions, it will always have an effect on someone around me, whether I know it or not.

" Whether I know it or not " isn't really required, the idea is good , you should write more about it and does LMU want you to write about what you will add to their community ?, I mean , Is there any other question that deals with what will you add to the community at LMU ?

Good Luck with the school !
manjot   
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / Natural Science/ Debating/ RPI Supp: PS + Why RPI? [2]

You should add a little personality to the start, add something unique not some generic dialogue .

This perhaps is the dialogue most frequently heard in our home.

most frequently heard dialogue in our home, sounds better

Once, when my father was pouring his favorite red wine, the berry-like aroma from the glass wafted over to where I was sitting; immediately my curiosity was kindled.

The semi-colon is wrong

for its beauty boasts no embellishment, but simplicity and purity to their core.

You need to frame it better, i like the idea though.

Your ideas and stories are good, but the overall essay could be much better. The structure of sentences and the essays needs improvement. I suggest you read it aloud and proofread.

Good Luck
manjot   
Jan 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / What are some causes of stress among young people and How could this be ameliorated? [7]

In the fact that they interact with technology products such as the laptop, TV, the tablet, ipads, and so on; and they spend too much time on them that causes them to not have time for real communicatin and outdoor activities.

Too wordy and the semicolon should not be there. I suggest proofreading this.
manjot   
Jan 8, 2013
Scholarship / Work in Europe; Motivation Letter/Structural Engineering [3]

I would change the start,

My country, Indonesia, is vulnerable to earthquake(s) and hence it is a must that the structures are designed to withstand the earthquake force.
The sentence structure is repetitive,

If there is a chance, I would like to stay and work in Europe for a year or so to enrich my practical experience while also seek a good opportunity to do my doctoral study.

Rephrase that, it can be phrased much better.
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