Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]

It's like a five-minute opening theme song to a 30-minute TV show.

Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]


For starters, you can remove the entire first paragraph.

This isn't "terrible," by the way.

Writing Feedback / We can't claim that scandals are useful just because of the ability of getting attention (GRE) [5]

This is a three. The biggest problem is that you repeat yourself WAY too often.

If you write 500 words but the same word appears 20 times, you've really written 481 words.

Undergraduate / I finished opening my last present; UVa College of Arts and Sciences Essay [5]

Prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised , unsettled , or challenged you, and in what way?

How was this episode important in your emotional or intellectual development?

They're asking you to tell how this album changed the way you think.

This is an entertaining story, but they aren't asking for a story.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I apologize for not having gotten back to you sooner. You face a dilemma The fact is that they're both well-written. The problem is that neither addresses the most important part of its prompt.

Let's look at this one...

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked yourtransition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family in 650 words or less.

TRANSLATION: How did caring for your mom make you more adult? What ASPECTS of adulthood do you now possess as a result of this experience?

There's too much here about Mom.

As for the twin essay, check this out:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it.

What they're really asking is, "How did being a twin make you the person you are now?" I'm not at all sure that you've gotten deeply enough into this.

Your essays are equally "good." You're a skilled and talented writer, obviously (to me, at least) an AP student.

Still the first and most important job is to answer the essay question as it's asked. If you can prove to me---by citing specific words and phrases from either essay---that you've done this, then I'll stop pestering you and help you to edit and proofread if you'd like me to.

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]

Sorry I'm late in responding. We can keep some (although not much) of what you've written above.

Let's try this another way...

Take a look at the prompt:

Please describe your past academic experiences and your reasons for wishing to enroll to XXXXXXX at this point in your academic career. Students who have been out of school for several years, or who have a personal circumstance that affected performance, may wish to address that situation in their essay. Your essay should be no more than 300 words.

---Write about 150 words about your past academic experiences. Do NOT criticize your previous school. Instead, tell what you learned there.

---Write about 150 words telling why you want to attend XXXXXXX. Why is that school a good fit for YOU?

Don't discuss your family anywhere (yet).

Then we'll do the introduction and conclusion.

Don't worry about the word count yet. I will get it down to where it needs to be.

Soon you'll see where we're going with this.

When's it due?

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]

To answer your question as directly as I can, this essay gives off a warm and inviting tone. Whether you've answered the question they've asked is another matter.

In terms of readability it begins well. However, no matter how clever or engaging the metaphor, this paper can't be about food.

Only at the very end do you begin to follow the actual instructions.

Do this paper again, using your conclusion as your introduction.

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]


I will contact you in the next twelve hours.

John

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

First off, the template you've provided is both too long and, at the same time, inadequate.

The problem with the essay you've posted above is that lots of what you've written could apply to almost any other person. (For example, you say, "I plan to continue my education to Ph.D. level in an internationally reputable ‎and high-ranking research university." Lots of people "plan" to do this.)

To a great extent, you've rewritten your transcript.

A statement of purpose is, to a great extent, an emotional appeal.

Just for starters, try this:

1. What you were like when you were little?

2. What are you like now?

3. How do you intend to help society in the future?

---Write between 100 and 150 words answering each of the above questions. You'll write a total of 300-450 words.
---I don't want to see the word "polymers" (or any other word that I don't already know) anywhere.

The next step will be to tell me (by name) which schools you might like to attend and then find the admissions essay prompt for each.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

I will get to this either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Please respond because I don't think the software here will allow me to post again until you do.

John

Undergraduate / My Big Discovery- UVa Supp/ Stilling moment [8]

Sorry so late in responding...

First off, I think they might want more of an "academic" moment. Still, I've done some editing below. There are two awkward sentences that requires attention (the green ones), but I have an appointment with another student in eight minutes so I can't get to it now.

Undergraduate / My Big Discovery- UVa Supp/ Stilling moment [8]

That all depends. There's not tons of content here for me to judge.

What's the length requirement on this thing?

Also, what's the entire prompt?

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]


You're getting better at this. Be patient, though...significant writing improvement can take quite a long time.

As for this essay, let's look at the prompt:

---Discuss the merits of the preceding argument. In what ways is the argument effective or ineffective?

---Analyze the evidence used as well as the general reasoning. How does each point of evidence contribute to the persuasiveness of the argument?

---Present points that would strengthen the argument or make it more compelling. What does the author leave out?

Also, you don't need to rewrite the prompt in your introduction. I don't know who told you to spend that much time writing words you've just read, but that person (no matter how well-intended) was wrong.

Undergraduate / "What are you doing? Go away!" Personal statement- Relationship with brother [6]


This is almost never the case. If anything, about 90% (probably more) of all essays need to be made less "broad in scope." Be careful.


Didgeridoo asks a good question. No one can really help you with this unless we know the writing task.

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]


In the conventional sense, your grammar and punctuation are fine despite a couple errors.

In the stylistic sense, there are tons of things that require attention. However, they're pretty subtle and this isn't the place for a grammar/syntax/sentence variety class.

Neither of us should waste time with these issues until the content is as strong as possible, and this always starts with vocabulary. This is why those cliches must disappear.

Writing Feedback / Why study? 'career preparation, gaining experiences, and increasing knowledge' [3]

Nowadays attending to college or university is one of the most important issues for juveniles. Seemingly, every youth has attended or wishes to attend to university . Doubtless, there are lots of advantages in participating to universities . It seems to me that,three arguments and advantages are highlighted in attending to university . Benefits such as career preparation, gaining experiences, and increasing knowledge have motivated youth to attend to university.

First reason for attending to university, in my point of view is career preparation. These days, there are lots of competitions among people for occupying certain jobs in job market. Having adequate job is a dream for everyone. In order to apply for the better jobs , people, try to make their resume stronger than others. In the marathon of getting jobs , who have studied in universities have more priority than uneducated one. As an instance, while my cousin was looking for a job for more than six months, my brother applied for the certain job and immediately started to work, because he was a university graduated. Entering university make us an expert, and more skillful. Therefore, we can occupy better jobs .

Second reason in my idea, is gaining experiences . Living alone , while studying, lead us to gain majestic experiences . Usually, adolescents rely on their family and without their supports will be disappointed. Living alone for the period of life might be useful or detrimental. In some periods such as during studying in university , being far from family is not only difficult for students but also a pretty useful chance for gaining various experiences . In this time span, students can gain experience for manage themselves in adult life.

The last reason that I believe motivates people to attend university is increasing knowledge. Human being has desire for learning more, and always tried for that. In addition, in today's world with the mass of information , in order to expanding communication with worldwide people, every day we have to know more than yesterday. Attending to university performs an opportunity for learning new matters, such as cultures, literatures, various cults, religions, and a variety of popular subjects. Therefore, I am sure one of the reasons ofattending to university is having thirsty for absorbing new information .

From my point of view, people have three main reasons for joining to universities , which are gaining experiences , career preparation, and increasing knowledge. Today, people think they can obviate these needs by attending to university . Therefore, most of the young people or even Middle Ages are studying in universities or wish to study. [/quote]

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


They will know this from your transcripts.

Here's the deal...

Not much of what you've posted above speaks to what makes you different as a person.

They want a personal statement. It's well-written, but it's not nearly personal enough.

Without looking at your essay, list ten words or phrases that describe you.

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


Probably...I'm not sure yet.


Find me five sentences that pertain to that question. Post them.

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


This, by FAR, is the most important part of the essay prompt.

Have you addressed it? If so, where?

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]

Wow. That's pretty overwhelming.

Two more questions before I comment on this...

1. What's the length requirement?
2. When's it due?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How can income generated by tourism benefit the poor? [2]

You've discussed the importance and the impact of tourism, but...


You haven't really told me what could or should be DONE with tourism revenues.


What can be DONE to ensure the preservation of native cultures in these countries?

Instead, you merely discuss the idea of tourism while dancing around the question.

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]

What is the question they want you to answer? There's no way to tell how effective this is without knowing that.

I can say this with total certainty: This essay is approximately 20% longer than necessary.

Overall, the writing quality is above-average.

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]

I mean that you need to replace them with different words that express the same ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]


I don't think it's "strict" to expect a writer to answer the question as asked.

However, gmad, I know it's not always easy. This is the #1 problem with essays of all kinds.

Graduate / I started as Document Control Assistant ; Master of Accountancy [5]

You're welcome, but I fear I didn't help you much.

What I was asking for was the exact essay question you've been given to answer.

I will say this...


You need to tell me what makes accountancy interesting to you. What aspects of the profession suit your personality (or vice versa)?

I realize that your goal is to become an accountant, but...

--why accountancy?
--how do accountants improve society?

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

1. unique aspects of your academic background: What makes your academic background different from everyone else's?

2. valued experiences How have your experiences changed you?

3. let us know more about you as an individual In what ways is your personality different from that of every other applicant? What can you offer the school that no one else can?

You're on the right track, but so far the essay is a little short in the "uniqueness" department. In other words, some of this stuff could be said about almost any strong student.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

Here's the statement.


Then here's the question they want you to answer:


---They don't give you the option to agree AND disagree.
---They don't ask you to agree, disagree, OR do both.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

Hi to you too!

I saw what you did. What you did violates the rules of the prompt.

Agreeing to both statements is not an option. The question asks you to agree or disagree.

To use a rather lame analogy, I don't care how fast you can run 50 yards if I'm asking you to run a mile.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

You're supposed to agree or disagree. I don't see a third option in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Parents vs classmates child's education; child copy each other's habits [4]


This isn't a specific reason why classmates are more influential than parents. Rather, this should be the main idea of the entire essay.

You need to devote separate paragraphs to different effects.

For example, you might write an entire paragraph about this...


and this...


and this...

Writing Feedback / avoid routine; Dormitory rooms at your university must be shared by two students [2]

One of the most important things for students in their student lives is their roommates. It is important because students have influence on each other and can learn or imitate each other's habits, behaviors, or even social manners. Some people are sensitive about their roommates and they themselves should find their roommates, on the other hand, some people, including me, are not concerned about their roommates and can live with everyone.(<--Almost all of this stuff should either be moved to the body of your essay or deleted altogether.) With having the choice between choosing my own roommate and delegating it to university, I prefer to have it done by university. I believe that, in this condition, I will meet new people and also gain new experiences.

Main reason that I prefer to delegate the decision of choosing the roommate to university is meeting new people. If university distributes students in dorm rooms, a lot of students with different races and cultures will be roommate together and can get familiar with a variety of the cultures. As an instance, one of my friends studying in Sweden tells me about lots of cultural information which he has learned from his roommates who are from different nationalities such as Chinese, Russian, and Arabic. Therefore, I like to live with exotic person chosen for me by university as the roommate .

Another reason of supporting the selection of roommate by university is to prepare ourselves for entering society. Finishing university and entering society, I have to deal with people who might have each kind of personalities and behaviors. If I had an experience of living with different persons , I would easily understand everyone in my social life. In order to explain my experience in dormitory, when I were living with my roommates I found out that sometimes I should not persist on my attitude even if it be true because maybe others dislike and can't tolerate. This point helped me a lot in my real life and resulted in finding great opportunities for jobs.

In my opinion , delegating the task of choosing roommate to university is the best one. Because we meet new people, cultures, and we can gain experiences for adult lives. Dorm life is the best time for each student to experience new things and avoid routine days.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

This one's not perfect but it has the makings of something pretty damn good.

Where's the other one?

Undergraduate / "Tuftsadmissions retweeted your tweet..."; **WHY TUFTS?** [9]


It's not my intention to be "mean," but the answer is no---just no.

You're being too cute. Answer the question.

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]

There are several issues that need attention, but let's start by making this into your own essay by removing the cliches:

come out of my shell
speaking out
big deal
didn't bother
comfort zone
finally sunk in
Looking back
things happen for a reason

No doubt, there are others.

You didn't invent these phrases, so they don't belong in your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; GRADES ARE A GOOD INDICATOR FOR ASSESSING STUDENTS [4]


Well now wasn't that helpful (and more than a bit ironic).

Rozha, you need to learn about the following:

subject-verb agreement
pronoun-antecedent agreement

Those are the two most pressing grammatical problems I see here.

Book Reports / MY THESIS FOR THE STORY "CASK OF AMONTILLADO" - good? [4]

Given the choice of only these two, the first is stronger.

However, there's no way for me to be sure until I know the actual essay question.

Letters / Request for help in the preparation of recommendation letters. [10]

Unless I've miscounted, you've written fifteen sentences. About ten of them begin with the word "he."

Graduate / I started as Document Control Assistant ; Master of Accountancy [5]

Despite a couple minor usage errors and a handful of cliches (" different direction, "better late than never," etc.), the writing here is fairly strong.

However, I don't know whether you're addressing the prompt because you haven't identified it.

The most important job is to answer the question.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Shopping as a replacement of hobbies and other leisure activities. [7]


Listing points in an introduction is never a strategy that will separate your paper for the right reasons.

At least 75% of writers do this. Coincidentally (or not), at least 75% of test takers won't get a top-ten-percent score.

I've posted this elsewhere: If you can find me a single essay from a credible source (ie, NY Times, etc.) that lists in its introduction the "points to be covered," I will send you ten US dollars.

Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]


I didn't ask for a "concession point."

What you've given me is a good start, but it's far too wordy.

Give me three DIFFERENT reasons why we need to study major cities.

This time, write only in sentence fragments. I want no more than ten words for each.

I'm having you do this because the first draft of your essay lacks coherence.

If you are unable to do this, let me know.