Writing Feedback / Assignment:Euthanasia should be legalized for a number of reasons.What's your opinion [3]

Here are the general problems:

1. You haven't really answered the question.

2. There are grammar errors that will affect your writing at the university level (if that's your goal). Look up the word "syntax." Your work needs to be readable.

More specific issues include those enumerated below:


Everyone knows this.


This is obvious too.


This is a cliche.


another cliche


This sentence is at least ten words too long.


cliche


cliche


"several"? Three or four?


I have graduate degrees in English and linguistics, yet I have never used this word. I'm not even sure I've seen it before. Put away the thesaurus.


Read this aloud and ask yourself whether it makes sense.


cliche


You refer to "the huge ants." To which "huge ants" do you refer?


cliche


cliche


cliche


cliche

Undergraduate / TRUST & CONFIDENCE - Success as a Peace Corps Volunteer [3]

You're being asked to write about ONE experience.

Therefore, your essay begins where I've highlighted above.

Writing Feedback / Teacher should relate well with students than having an excellent knowledge. [5]

Put away the thesaurus and rewrite this using words you already know (no matter how simple). Then I'll be glad to give you feedback pertaining to the quality of your ideas as well as some real-world words with which to communicate them.

I'd suggest rewriting this immediately using a pen and paper. Make sure you're at least ten feet from a computer while you're doing this.

Writing Feedback / STOP BULLYING - Argumentive Essay [5]

I mean this to be helpful...

Is there time to change topics? There isn't a teacher or reader in America (or the world) who isn't tired of "bully" essays. Probably the most important part of quality writing is telling the reader something he doesn't already know.

You don't say much that's new about this subject.

Graduate / I believe this is the right time in my career to pursue a Masters degree in Public Health - SoP [4]

Overall, your writing is fairly strong.

My only major qualm (aside from not knowing the assignment) is that quite a few of the words here---including in the corrected version above mine---add nothing to your paper.

Here are a couple other issues:

1. Unless you're writing a personal letter, first person pronouns (I, me, mine, myself) have no place here.

2. A cliche is an overused expression. It's a phrase that you didn't make up. You have several. Examples:

in terms of
finds it difficult
on part of
rumours surfaced
A huge divide
the right time

There may be more...I'm only skimming.

You use a couple of awkward phrasings ("extemporaneous attitude"---huh?)

Writing Feedback / Balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential [8]


This is redundant.


cliche


cliche


cliche


cliche


merits and flaws


cliche


Who's the "they" to whom you refer?


cliche


using computers


What is "it"?


exposure IS


cliche


Then don't mention it again!


cliche


IS crucial


Your name's already on the paper (at least I presume so).

Other thoughts...

---The word "outdoor" shows up more than twice.
---The same goes for "activities."

You don't need to say anything more than once.

---There's at least one misused comma here.

Writing Feedback / Balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential [8]

If you've heard a phrase more than a few times, then it's not yours.

Strong writers use only their own words.

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

What's the minimum word count requirement? (How long does this need to be?)

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

Your original paper went off topic too often. Here's a revision (or, at least, a start):

Unlike my parents and peers, my older cousin James had no reason whatsoever to intrude into my personal affairs. Nonetheless, over time-and despite a four-year age difference-our friendship grew and he became like a brother and a mentor who taught me the means to success.

Years before James was introduced to my life, I was just another person who didn't have any concrete future plans. I was an average student with misplaced priorities. Year after year, I felt as though the only thing that had changed in me was my age. It took me a long time to realize that I had spent my time wastefully and inefficiently. I began to think about life after high school. Even though I had high ambitions, I wasn't doing anything to get closer to these goals. I realized that I needed to focus on academics if I wanted to be an engineer. During that time, I began to question whether my dreams would ever reach fruition.

Then, in the summer of 2011, I finally met the cousin who my uncles had always bragged about. Sharing the same interests and beliefs, James and I quickly became close friends. I soon asked him about his school- University of Oklahoma-and how he got there. After interviewing him, he did the same to me but with a unique approach: he started by asking, "Where will you be in 10 years?" That question rushed repeatedly through my head and the room was silent. Eventually, I answered, "I will probably be at college getting my masters' degree in electrical engineering."

When he asked me what I was doing to reach my goal, I told him that I wasn't doing anything-not because I didn't want to but rather because I didn't know what to do. For the next half hour he explained what I could do to get the most out of myself and that it would require commitment to accomplish my goals.

Our discussion continued. I asked him almost every question that I could think of. It was one of the most important conversations that I've had with anyone. He had motivated me and I felt as if I was ready to face the challenges that lie ahead.

Now three years later, we maintain contact through text messages and emails. I still ask him many questions, and he always has a way of answering them clearly and insightfully. I have changed considerably over the past few years. My academic commitment and performance have improved and I have learned the value of independence.

I'm grateful to have met a person like James, and long ago I promised myself that I would help others in the ways that he helped me. One day when I become a successful engineer, I hope to show him my appreciation through action and example.

Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]


Actually, you have far more room than you think you do because lots (if not most) of this stuff has little or nothing to do with the writing task.

With regard to grammar, don't worry about it until you've actually answered the question.

At that point, I'd be glad to repair any errors. (Why doesn't this board have a private message feature?)

Start by LISTING three to five BIG reasons why you'd like to become a physician's assistant. (What intrigues you about this career? Why is it suited to YOU specifically?)

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]


The introduction I've included in my revision is the introduction you should use.

Your original introduction was so vague as to have been almost meaningless.

Every sentence of this essay must be about YOU...not "life."

Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]


Saying that it was a "gradual process" is not the same as WHY.


If I can't find specific words and phrases, then you don't have control over the question.


I want you to succeed on this. In order to do so, you need to not only be "more inclusive of the topic." You need to include nothing BUT information pertaining to the topic.


Someone undoubtedly meant well, but he or she made an incorrect recommendation. Everyone thinks he knows
how to write. The truth is that VERY few really have the expertise necessary to help. Generally, it's unwise to accept writing advice from peers!


The words "successful" and "society" are extraordinarily vague. Everyone in every profession wants to be a "successful member of society." I want to know what's going to make you an effectiveassistant to a physician in a hospital---not in a car, not on a football field, not in "society."

1. Don't use this one. It implies that you're looking for an easy job.

2. There are at least two different reasons here. Separate them.

3. This one is strong.

4. Fine.

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]


WITHOUT looking at the essay, answer the questions below. Don't worry about the quality of your writing.

1. What specific priorities did James teach you about?

2. How is your friendship with James different from the friendships you share with others?

3. How did you feel about the "ten years" question?

More later...this forum doesn't allow much time to edit...

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]


Indeed. This is often the hardest part. Without a first draft, a second draft is impossible.

tmangkim, please don't be discouraged. Your writing can and will improve (and it's not nearly poor as you might think it is).

Writing Feedback / Need help in evaluating my Analytical Writing. GRE [4]

There are some minor grammar and usage problems, but the main issue here is that you're giving us more of a history lesson than an analysis of the issue.

I like how you acknowledge the opposing point of view, but your own point of view needs more elaboration.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical writing; Letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner [2]

This isn't a lower-half response, but I'm afraid that (as is the case with most test takers) you haven't really addressed the question. Failure to do so will prevent you from earning a top score.


Also, the paper is a bit repetitive. It is imperative that you say something new in every sentence. In part, this is a grammar problem. Check this out:


Why not just do this...

For example, a lack of hygiene has attracted more vermin or stray animals, which can overturn dust bins and trashcans and carry about thrown away food which may lead to increased littering.

(I'm not crazy about the word "hygiene" in that sentence either, but that's not the most pressing problem right now.

Writing Feedback / Need help in evaluating my Analytical Writing. GRE [4]

This is a four.

Undergraduate / Disagreement with the opinion of a fellow participant /CAE - Letter to a newspaper [4]

What was the writing task (prompt)?

In any case, this is a superficial paper. Words like "good" and "fun" just don't mean much.

Writing Feedback / Now day's crime is increasing. Why is this happening? What can government do? [8]


No test of any kind ever rewards incorrect or unclear vocabulary.

The object is to use the correct word.

The correct word is almost never the most "difficult" one.

Graduate / "The night my grandpa passed away"; Medical School personal statement [4]

What's the writing task? (What question or prompt are you addressing?)

Writing Feedback / Who Am I?The most basic question, but I'm never able to answer! [6]

This paper has its moments (including some clever and witty ones) but it soon deteriorates into a list of "I am..." sentences.

What traits do YOU have that no one else does?

That's the hard part.

Pick three experiences unique to you and tell me how those experiences shaped you.

Writing Feedback / Who Am I?The most basic question, but I'm never able to answer! [6]

Glad to hear it.

Keep in mind that there are other issues to which you must attend, but content is always most important.

Writing Feedback / I always dreamed of being a doctor [5]


My dream to become a doctor was nurtured by watching my grandfather suffer from cancer.

OR

My desire to become a doctor was nurtured by watching my grandfather suffer from cancer.

Sorry---couldn't resist.

An effective writer doesn't waste words. Remove the filler and add NEW ideas.

Also, the verb "nurtured" doesn't have the proper connotations for this context.

Writing Feedback / Let's protect our Earth; Effects of Global Warming [4]


1. "Serious and dangerous" are already implied if not directly stated.

2. The word "this" doesn't mean anything, and we know it's an "issue."

Protecting our earth requires everbody's concern.

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle change of the new generation. [2]

This is a 7 (assuming that 9 is still the max on this test).

There are a couple relatively minor grammar and usage issues, but the main problem is that you don't really take a stand on the issue.

You discuss the issue, but you don't really evaluate it. There's a big difference.

If the quality of writing were all that mattered here, this would be an 8.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Without rereading your work, list three big things that make you want to become a PT.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Change #3 to something else. It doesn't mean anything. (You can "make a difference in someone's life" working at McDonald's.)

Also change #1, as "working closely with others" can happen in almost any profession.

Your big reasons need to be a little more specific.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Better.

Now turn this into three complete sentences, each about a separate and distinct idea.

Overall this essay is very average. It's fair.

Let's make it into an upper-half paper.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

I've been teaching expository writing for nearly thirty years.

Almost all writing "advice" is wrong.

As I said, what you have here isn't bad. However, you need to make your reader take notice for all the right reasons.

Writing Feedback / Now a days technologies have became a very important aspect of everybodys lives! [4]

You could have said all of this in about 300 words (probably fewer).

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]


I didn't take it that way.


You're very welcome.

I need to grab some breakfast. If you have questions, I'll gladly answer them in about half an hour.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]

You're supposed to tell why you belong at the school, so don't worry about "bragging."

Look up the phrase "comma splice."

Normally, usage isn't the most important factor in an admissions essay but mechanical errors kill this thing.

Also, you might be overdoing the TV experience. I don't see a direct connection between your past and your future.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]


Great question.

Luckily, extracurriculars are overrated. Admissions officers know that not everyone has time to give away.

The way to distinguish yourself is to tell how you are different from EVERYONE ELSE in this universe.

Writing Feedback / Same laws should be applied to Tobacco as they are applied to Heroin [3]


I hope that's not the way the question is phrased because it's grammatically incorrect!

Anyway...

Do the following:

1. YES or NO. The same laws ought to be applied or not.

2. Discuss ONE reason why.

3. Discuss a SECOND reason why.

4. Discuss a THIRD reason why.

This is a lower-half paper because it's so repetitive.

Dissertations / Need to decide topic of dissertation Mtech Computer Science [11]

Most essays of all kinds either succeed or fail for the same reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; We are getting more and more greedy & selfish; Should we go back to the past? [6]

Put away the thesaurus!

Use the English you know and we'll go from there.

Scholarship / Describe Personal/Engineering Interests and Career Goals [5]

The essay starts off well---I learn something about YOU---and then degenerates into little more than jargon.

Scholarship / Describe Personal/Engineering Interests and Career Goals [5]


Well, you say that your "primary interests are related to the applications of power electronics in power systems." Why does power electronics interest you more than, say, basketball does? You might discuss one or two specific applications and why you find them worthy of your time and study.

If you read your first paragraph aloud, wait 30 seconds, and then read the second one, you'll see just how much less personal the second one is.


This structure is fine but as I said the essay has to be about YOU.

With regard to your last paragraph, how will you (NOT engineers in general) change the world through your work? How will you change the lives of real people?

Writing Feedback / Mind is very vulnerable and fragile; Death and the Maiden / Visual Essay [4]


What has any of this to do with Death and the Maiden?


You have too little content throughout the paper. See below.


Let's look at these one at a time:

Paragraph Two:


You need the factual info in the first sentence but not throughout the pargraph. (Check out the stuff in red.) Your job is to analyze, not to tell us what we already see. Comment on how the image affects the viewer.

Paragraph Six:


Same problem here.

Paragraph Seven:


Assuming that it's your conclusion, this paragraph is long enough, but it is full of stuff you've already said. The stuff in red is what you've repeated.

Actually, this paper is not nearly as long as you might think it is because of its repetitive nature. You must say something new in every sentence.

These are the problems you need to solve before dealing with grammar, punctuation, etc.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Should student study the same National Curriculum ? [4]

This is a three (out of six).

Although fairly well-written, this essay doesn't really explore the issue as much as it gives a bunch of facts.

For starters, look at the first sentence of each body paragraph. Each needs to be an assertion that you prove throughout the remainder of the paragraph.