Undergraduate / University of Washington - Winter 14 Transfer Personal Statement. 9/1 LOL [3]

I submitted my application a few hours before my deadline. I still don't know what will happen, but at least I got it in.

Undergraduate / CommonApp - extracirricular activities and extenuating circumstances grammar check [3]

I apologize for the lack of proper English in the extracurricular activities section; there is a character limit on how much I can type in. Of course, I am not here just to state the obvious. I am here to add a few details that I wish the admission office to know and are not stated in my application.

As I understand, colleges are looking for students who know how to take opportunities that are presented to them, meaning who have taken a lot of Advance Placements and IB Classes.

This is redundant to the question asked. Erase it.

Talk more about the difficulties in adjusting to America and how you overcame that. Discuss about the financial hardships and what you were able to accomplish in those hard times.

Undergraduate / I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English; UT App- Personal Essay [14]

5150...had to look that gem up as it eluded me. How did you know? Personal experience? Possibility I guess.

I'm tired of falling to your level. This gives me an itch I can't scratch.

Good day.

Undergraduate / I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English; UT App- Personal Essay [14]

I wasn't correcting his but yours. Why do you have to brag that you have several Ivy League degrees and I'm less of a person because I won't get one for an undergraduate? Graduate school is a possibility I wish to accomplish at one or even Stern if feasible. All schools at the university I'm applying too are excellent. That's hard to argue against. Many people here are applying to decent colleges or above average universities. Another veteran here also applied to that same school I wish to attend. Are we both as you call...lazy and incompetent?

A majority on here are applying even for vocational or technical schools as well as just trying to get by with the IETLS and TOEFL exams.

You're going to offer her a free unlimited package? Write her essays for her and change to what you want to say but not who she is? Why free? Why not with a price tag as you wish?

We come here to offer free help to each and be supportive even if our essays are disastrous. We all have academic dreams and aspirations and constructive critical criticism is what we need.

Not those immature comments above.

Just because I might not get into my school does not make me lazy or incompetent of an individual or a failure as you stated.

Undergraduate / I am looking to perfect my skills; Why did you choose to attend Georgia Tech? [5]

Oh really? Then you have a lot of room to compose a nice essay. Try writing a 1 page essay for each of those questions in a very structured manner. Combine them both to see how it sounds. Write key phrases or words that define paragraphs you want to write to generate topics of discussion. It'll help organize your essay and its what I do. Then play with the sentences and structure to make it sounds "ORIGINAL" and "INTERESTING" to the reader, an admissions counselor, who gets sleepy with hundreds of these things.

My bits on that.

Undergraduate / Crashing a model plane/ Feynman Lectures/ That House; M.I.T. Short Answer Essays [2]

Nice writing bro. I enjoyed reading it.

My only suggestion is looking for words that can be eliminated from the sentences that are unnecessary. 'So' being one of them.

Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English; UT App- Personal Essay [14]

"I give the same exact advice here that I do to my private clients. I do it here for free."

Redundancy in your successive sentence.

"There have been many times that I have directed students to this forum,"

Comma used instead of a period.

"Unfortunately, this is not the picture that you want to paint especially for admissions to UT Austin, one of the top Universities in Texas."

Capitalizing 'Universities' when it does not speak of the actual name of an institution or a specific group of institutions but just a simple university in Texas.

"My record speaks for itself."

And I assume their wallets spoke to you as well making your day better.

Try harder.

-Don't belittle a veteran or state his military service is a lame excuse- There is a reason I'm not very content with you.

Undergraduate / I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English; UT App- Personal Essay [14]

....

Be honest with your biggest challenges and obstacles and be honest with your best progress too. Don't limit or elaborate any of that. Admissions will catch you and most all schools have programs for foreign students that are ESL. Make sure you nail HIGH SCORES on the TOEFL and IETLS tests too. they'll base your admittance heavily on that exam you'll take.

But consider other schools in Texas. There are so many good ones but UT Austin is one of the top Engineering in the country. I understand though about your situation with the English barrier as an immigrant. I used to be one of them.

My advice is the same as Admission2012 but better. He just wants your money and posts the same ONE PARAGRAPH advice to everyone with no real actual edits.

"have a strong communication skills" (skills being plural)...no need for the indefinite article "a"

A, An and The are in the same usage but usually A, AN are singular and THE is for plural but there is no need.

you can use THE but the rule is to shorten unnecessary words.

without A AN or THE...it's still correct.

That's what Admissions2012 should be doing.

But he doesn't. You need to pay him lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ first.

lol.

Trust me.

Undergraduate / I am looking to perfect my skills; Why did you choose to attend Georgia Tech? [5]

Simple intro, body and conclusion. Three paragraphs of 2-4 sentences each. Try to follow that and directly answer the question in the first paragraph. You're doing something called "Burying the lead". Look it up and try to avoid that. It'll make your essay much smoother.

Check your grammar at a few sentences because they're wrong. You have the idea but just need to organize it much better and structure it more. Then correct grammar and you're fine.

1 Page is usually good and no more than 2 for the main essay.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality in University Admission [6]

Follow Dumi... He/she knows what he/she is talking about.

Ignore Admissions2012. He does a one size fits all and offers no real help nor takes into consideration all the schools, countries' cultures or how English is viewed in other places or what is acceptable and not based on culture again.

The guy just wants to make money and hopes you pay him $$$$$$$$$$ for his services. Don't. This place is free and Dumi is badazzzz

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for biomedicine: Stepped into a lab with my broken toe [6]

Research the program you're really interested in and general information about the field. Write about it more. It's also ok to be open a little with medicine in a particular field in an essay. You can even list you want to do 2 things..My sister did that actually *double major in 6 years*. Just make sure your essay is clear, concise and organized.

Undergraduate / I felt most at home; UNIQUE QUALITIES U MICHIGAN [6]

....

If you are unsure what exact degree you want to do then go ask the school directly about being an irregular undeclared or open major student. I think they have liberal arts programs that allow that till you figure it out after a semester or two. That's my advice actually.

The essay does need a lot of work but I think it's because you're undecided..and that's ok. Most college freshmans are anyway or get lost when they do a semester of school thinking they knew...lol.

Graduate / I am making a switch from Electrical to Petroleum; SOP [3]

The best way is to go ask the university directly. Call them, email them or go pay a visit. They'll give your more information if it's the right program and the requirements. I think 1 month is too short...especially if you have to do entrance testing like GRE's, GMATs or others as lawyers take the LSAT or doctors take the MCAT. Maybe for the Spring 2014 term will give you time to prepare.

Graduate / My mind incline towards a goal to achieve perfection in my field [5]

Advice...be very careful to talk about detailed information in upper education or things that you don't have experience about directly. It can confuse admissions officers or get them to cross check your statements with an expert in the school to make sure. If you're wrong then that's going to screw you over.

It sounds like you know what you're talking about and really passionate on the major. Just try to consider who is reading this essay. Your audience. Don't go too Einstein on them...make it understandable as if anyone could read it and get it. Explain acronyms but don't list so many as you did. They don't need you to be a wizard but just have the general hearted interested and potential to excel in the program.

Try not to be so wordy also. You have a lot of adjectives and adverbs that make your sentences or paragraphs redundant.

messy but on the right direction...keep going!

Undergraduate / my favorite subject is Mathematics; Personal statement (Acounting course) [4]

Choose the major you are most interested in and think sounds like a stable career and fun to you. It's also ok to transfer if you have the funds to extend your education.

It's generally grammatically correct but not in the best or most proper usage.

I believe that one of the most important steps to my future is to come to the Swinburne University. (Sounds odd)

to graduate from Swinborne....is acceptance to Swinborne....is an undergraduate from swinborne....etc.

Also this is Australia...English isn't the same as the US (Or someone from New York).

If you have a Cambridge English teacher around your area..have them look at it.

They'll give better advice or ask school admissions directly for help. They're understanding for foreign students typically.

Undergraduate / Obeying to the demands of Mrs. Sanderson; Significant Experience/ UC [3]

I think you're on a mission to find faults in everyone here so they think you're brilliant and pay for your services. That's my hunch. Marketing...

Undergraduate / "Tuftsadmissions retweeted your tweet..."; **WHY TUFTS?** [9]

Creativity works well for performing arts students as well as enthusiasm. Maybe not end the answer with a question since it's leaving it open ended. Define one things about TUFTS and answer around that. It's on the right track.

I've have family that are performing arts majors so I have an idea what it took to get accept to these programs.

Undergraduate / I loved science, so I did not concentrate on learning English; UT App- Personal Essay [14]

It's best to be honest with your abilities and your situation in your essays. Don't lie or elaborate what is not true but try to appear the best you can and highlight your strengths as well as trials and how you overcame or even accepted them. Each school looks for different things and there are a lot of great universities and colleges in Texas...UT Austin just being one of them.

If you muddle your way in then you might find out it's a bad fit and your grades start to suffer as well as money wasted on a school you can't either fit in, afford or make it at.

I think UT Austin does have programs though for ESL students transfering or applying in. So you should be safe. Just focus more on the good stuff but also let them know how you overcame your insecurity and weakness. Just be honest with your progress in it.

Try to avoid Admissions2012 advice.

Keep that in mind.

Undergraduate / member of the Philippine Society of Youth Science Camp-EXPERIENCES DEFINED YOU AS A PERSON [2]

Rewrite it. The 1st sentence is redundant from your application. Dont repeat information already listed. The ending is confusing and makes you sound like Yoda from Star Wars. No challenges or diversity are listed in your essay. They probably get millions just like yours with endless talks about how amazing they are and reject them all too.

It doesnt sound humble or someone who has grown.

You dont even talk what your real passion is or why Ateneo is a match on values you both have

Nothing on family either...

Undergraduate / The Rose's Shadow: (My Common app personal staement) [3]

This is very good and written very cleverly. Very original as well. Although I see one major problem and it's not your grammar.

Expand upon it because it's such an intriguing story that you want to read more.

Tie it together with the present today.

Include some more stronger imagery of the mounting anxiety and fear of your family and mood from the foreclosure...make it a VERY STRONG POINT that you left your only home and journeyed into the complete unknown.

And you rose above it.

Graduate / I discontinued my studies in Design; Motivation letter to a Design School [4]

Try this then..

1. Listen to the music that gets you attached the most. Watch a movie that was the deepest to you. Go to a place that makes you think and you admire. Reflect on your artwork and past.

2. Just write write and write some more till you have several pages on anything and everything about motivation to you.

3. Think about what you want to pick from that writing to put in an essay and smash it into a ugly rough draft.

4. Play with it to make it more organized and structured.

5. fine tune and edit it several times.

2 pages max and no more.

A. Why that school and big reason?
B. Why a graduate degree and your reason?
C. What is your passion and biggest interest in that field?
D. What do you want to accomplish with it?
E. Defining moment in your career or challenging event that shaped you?

incorporate this into some nice letter or a combo of them together.

Simple Intro, body and conclusion. make sure the opening and closing sentences are very original and sound like someone wise and mature.

Undergraduate / I went through some small personal difficulties; Personal essay - UT [7]

The opening and closing sentences in both paragraphs sound typical and boring. Make sure they're very original and unique as if wisdom jumps from them but concise and understandable.

You have a very good topic and strong idea going with your application but you're thinking way to broad and giving a life story about all the problems you've had.

A lot of good stuff about yourself but the reader can't pinpoint what is the core foundation of who you are. There are too many things you listed and no specific defining experience that set it all but a bunch of mishaps in your childhood education with no good ending either. UT is a very good school system and people are very strong academically as well as confident individuals if not slightly pretentious.

It needs a lot of work. Just keep editing and playing with phrases and sentences.

Short, concise, STRONG and emotional mature on the most significant event in your life that affected your education...good or bad and the aftermath of how you improved or capitalized on it.

You have several more edits to go.

Make sure you fit in.

Undergraduate / Lifelong reward career; Nurse Practitioner program [5]

2 Pages is usually max for science programs.

Graduate / I discontinued my studies in Design; Motivation letter to a Design School [4]

You're making it too big a deal. A very simple email will do to the school that's maybe 4-5 sentences and in the proper formal format as usual.

Give them a call or go visit the school. That will be a lot better.

The essays on the application are where you have to worry.

I'm applying to a top school and that's exactly what I did. Hasn't hurt my chances at all.

Graduate / Perfect balance between People, Process and Plans - Industrial Engineering [2]

Too long. Redo it. Too wordy. Shorten it. A lot of repeated information that is probably in your application anyway. Cut that out.

Undergraduate / How Blogging Changed My Life- UC Admissions Personal Statement [5]

....so where is an example of a blogging experience that shaped you? I don't see any in your essay.

I get the idea what blogging is but I don't know any detailed specifics of what really shaped you?

I'm lost and so would an admissions counselor.

Your opening paragraph makes you sound very boring even though you're probably not. Either use some stronger satire, sarcasm or irony in your imagery and maybe some fallacies (look that up).

Closing sentence is kinda common sounding and boring. Flip that around.

Has potential.

Undergraduate / 'Skipping high grades' - improving my college application essay [4]

It's a total mess. Redo the entire essay.

They want a few significant events that have shaped you. They did not ask for your academic life story.

There are so many cliches, popular phrases, redundancies and parallelisms that I can't keep track of everything.

3/4 of your essay is full of that stuff and it's ruining everything.

...advice..

Be original and your own voice. Don't sound like everyone else or copy what everyone else does. You said you're different but you write like the total opposite style.

That tells me that you don't even know yourself at all and you haven't grown as a person.

Don't hate. You asked for a review so you got it. This is what admissions officers will look for.

Undergraduate / Lifelong reward career; Nurse Practitioner program [5]

First sentence and last sentence are very boring. Make them original with something that will last in their mind. Think of what everyone else would do and don't do it. Think of what everyone else would start out with and don't do it. Stand out.

Don't use so many (I I I I I ) all the time. It makes you look self centered and self righteous to the admissions officer. You also have a lot of parallelism and redundancies in your essay. Make sure you cut that stuff out.

Sometimes it looks intelligent to have long sentences by showing you can use proper grammar, but the organization comes off weird. Have more concise, flowing and to the point sentences in your paragraphs.

Use less words, shorter phrases, stronger adverbs and adjectives that are not so popular.

Expand upon the essay too.

Include an example that is very personal and emotional for you that will connect the reader. A life and death situation.

Include some sort of recognition or award or honor you've achieved too from your career path.

5-7 more edits probably and then you'll be good.

Undergraduate / First, and only, child of my devoted parents; World you come from- UC/ PS [2]

Good start and good topic. It's relevant to your major. ...but...

There are too many long sentences. Doesn't fit a short essay like yours. Cut out the fat and wordiness as well as conjunctive grammar. Your opening and closing statements are really hard to read. They're very long and not concise nor flow well at all.

Expand upon the USMC and research a little about it. Their history, creed, mission, vision and an example to use from your exposure to your dad.

Don't list the GPA because they already get that in your application or transcripts. Don't repeat information that is already factual or concrete. Elaborate on it using imagery and description.

Do thousands get diagnosed with life threatening disease each day? Be careful making invalid statements that you don't know. Especially statistics.

You're using a lot of cliches and common phrases. Don't. Be original and diverse.

There are a lot of redundancies too.

Cut out the pork...elaborate more in depth as well as sub topics that are pertinent to this essay....and cut out the pork.

Use original voice in your essay without the cliche and familiar phrases that we all hear.

Grammar. (semicolons and commas...majorly).

Turn all these compound sentences and phrases into one concise sentence without the drawn out verbosity.

Do this and post that one in replacement of this.

Maybe another 5-7 drafts to go.