thenewdude
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Comments on Yale essays? (Why Yale, Reflection on something you would like to say more) [5]
Just from a quick read:
The sight of him coming home after work or going overseas for a short period was a common occurrence to us. Yet, every sight of my father sitting at the sofa, clearly exhausted after a day's work invokes a surge of emotion in me: gratitude, empathy and even sadness. ---- try not to use 'sight' twice in consecutive sentences. Think of a synonym, or restructure one of the sentences.
He has always endorsed me ---- He has always encouraged me
seek out my own passion ---- not sure if seek can be used in this way. Maybe try 'to find/discover my passion(s)'?
be it Taekwando or diabolo lessons. ---- be it Taekwando or diabolo (if you use 'lessons', it'd mean diabolo lessons are your passion)
Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remains: what do I want to do with my life? --- Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remained: What did I want to do with my life? (you use three tenses in the same sentence and it definitely sounds jarring)
I am very tired right now, will continue tomorrow. Sorry!
Just from a quick read:
The sight of him coming home after work or going overseas for a short period was a common occurrence to us. Yet, every sight of my father sitting at the sofa, clearly exhausted after a day's work invokes a surge of emotion in me: gratitude, empathy and even sadness. ---- try not to use 'sight' twice in consecutive sentences. Think of a synonym, or restructure one of the sentences.
He has always endorsed me ---- He has always encouraged me
seek out my own passion ---- not sure if seek can be used in this way. Maybe try 'to find/discover my passion(s)'?
be it Taekwando or diabolo lessons. ---- be it Taekwando or diabolo (if you use 'lessons', it'd mean diabolo lessons are your passion)
Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remains: what do I want to do with my life? --- Even though I enjoyed those trials, the ultimate question remained: What did I want to do with my life? (you use three tenses in the same sentence and it definitely sounds jarring)
I am very tired right now, will continue tomorrow. Sorry!