Undergraduate / Stereotypes of Middle Eastern People - Michigan Diversity Essay [3]


"Earlier" is not needed, as this is implicit in "expected."


No, you have addressed the prompt quite adequately, demonstrating both your respect for diversity and you ability to change your mind in response to new information. Good job!

Writing Feedback / Biased Metaphors in the Science of Reproduction [2]

You ought to get a good grade for this essay. You accurately summarize Martin's overall point, illustrating the idea with a couple of key examples. Moreover, you draw in your own life experience, verifying that the science of reproduction is taught in the biased manner Martin reports. Your conclusion restates your thesis while also broadening to show the broader implications of the narrow topic at hand. Good job!

Undergraduate / Leaving Kabul for Chicago (U of Illinois Champaign Essay) [3]


This is not at all ironic. It is the opposite of ironic. Watching someone wrestling with psychological problems naturally sparks interest in psychology.

That's a minor point. Overall, this essay is on its way to being very strong. You have a compelling story and clearly have a genuine interest in your chosen field of study.

If you want to draw out your conclusion, you could note that people in war-torn regions very often have need of psychiatric care but this is the least available form of medical care. If this interests you, you could say that you hope specifically to be able to help people struggling with the same sorts of consequences of war-related trauma as your mother endured.

One more note: Do not capitalize psychology, psychiatrist, or similar nouns. I know that this is done in other languages, but modern English restricts the use of capital letters to proper nouns. You may wish to review the rules on that.

Undergraduate / College Essay "Volunteering at Youthville"....Common App and USC. [3]

This is a very strong story. My only problem with it is that it drags a bit in the part leading up to the encounter with your classmate. Perhaps if you just tighten up the sentences leading up to that, sharing but not dwelling on your feelings of dissatisfaction, that would solve that problem. And others might not find it a problem at all! Overall: Very good work.

Undergraduate / Descriptive Essay -my next move in terms of education [4]

Begin by brainstorming what you would say if somebody -- perhaps a younger member of your family -- said something like that. Once you have your ideas down on paper, you can begin to organize them into an outline. From there, you can draft the essay.

Undergraduate / (Carly, true friend) - Someone who has made an impact on your life [5]

On the plus side: Your feelings for your friend and her personality are very clear. On the down side: This narrative is so chaotic that I can barely make sense of it. I think that, perhaps, you are trying to be artistic in eschewing a standard narrative line. But it's not working. One minute we're in grade school. The next, Carly is throwing up. (At what age? From the flu? Cancer medications? Binge drinking? We don't know.) Then, suddenly, somebody's asking somebody for a ride. There's a tarp flapping on somebody's car. Are we in a dream?

... No, no, no: This won't do. You must bring at least a modicum of coherence to the essay, even if Carly's effect on you is the opposite.

Undergraduate / My Dog (Need critiques for my common app essay) [3]

I'm not the best person to ask on this one, because I am still grieving the loss of my best canine friend. So, any story like this makes me cry. Still, I think you may need to edit it for coherence and perhaps add a conclusion that says what you learned from this relationship.

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

I can hardly believe it: A "Vires, Artes, Mores" essay that isn't a labor to read. I suspect that if you keep it short and lively like this, the admissions folks will like you for it. Still, you may want to add just a sentence or two telling us in more detail what you do and hope to do with fashion. (Design? Sew? Market? What?)

Undergraduate / A personal statement: reflection about different cultures [6]

This essay does not lack surprise. There's a surprise at every turn. What it lacks is coherence. You go from anecdote to anecdote with seemingly no purpose. Who are these people (Paolo and Gyre) and why are we reading about them? It's unclear. It's good to use anecdotes as illustrations, but what they are illustrating must be clear. Right now, I have only a fuzzy sense of your overall thesis. (Something to do with harmony?)

You also need to work on grammar, as your frequent lapses from Standard English may be decreasing the coherence of the essay.

For example:
In my view, Paolo is proud of his nation, and also a bit conservative, while Gyre is always extremely curious about everything he encounters .

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]


I love this line!


No, not at all. Indeed, it's not until college that bright students discover that whatever genius they believe themselves to have will not carry the day. Especially at colleges like Michigan, that process often leads to depression among first-year students. This shows that you've already learned this hard lesson.

Undergraduate / My first name Omowumi, given to me by my mother means: "I love my child" in Yoruba [7]

This essay starts very strong but then becomes a bit jumbled. When you talk about Elmo and the pink accessories, for example, I'm not at all sure whether you're referring to past or present. Keep all of the images and anecdotes, just tighten the organization, adding transitions and a conclusion to make it all coherent.

Student Talk / Six "W" on transcript! [8]

"W" can mean anything. I wouldn't worry about it. But, as Sean says, you can write about it if you feel that it should be explained.

Graduate / Improving the Legal System in Azerbaijan (law school statement of purpose) [4]


Use an actual subject and an action verb rather than "it is..." For example:

To promote Azerbaijan's perfection of its legal system, it's imperative towe must learn advanced legal knowledge from developed countries and to assimilate useful experience from western legal systems .

Graduate / 'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay [5]


More likely, the pressure is making you try to write in fancy prose rather than simply saying what you have to say. That can interfere with coherence.

I meant my previous advice literally: Go through what you've written line by line, asking yourself: Does this make sense? Is it what I mean to say? Then, say what you want to say as simply and clearly as possible.

This is not, by the way, "brutal" advice. George Orwell advises all essayists to ask themselves always: What am I trying to say? How can I put it more shortly?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose to KENT STATE MSFE [2]


It's awfully long, given the relative paucity of content. Try to cut down on the verbiage by eliminating wordy constructions.

For example:

Finance , as a field, has always fascinated me right from my undergraduate college days.

In order to achieve a more rounded education, I actively took part in numerous extracurricular activities.

Be ruthless! Say what you have to say in as few words as necessary.

Once you've got it cut down to a more reasonable size, we can look more carefully for grammatical errors. (No use checking for errors in phrases that are going to be cut.)

Undergraduate / UCF ESSAY - COMING TO AMERICA; family history, culture and environment [10]


This is a comma splice. You've spliced together two complete sentences with a comma, creating a grammatical error in the process. Fix it by replacing the comma with a period (best choice) or semi-colon (correct, but less apt).


This is a run-on sentence. That error detracts from the sensory imagery.

Here's how to fix another run-on:

I would used the dictionary for every word that I didn't understand, and I would translated whole books and charts for new vocabulary.

Comma splices and run-ons are two variations on a common theme: Trying to do too much in a single sentence. Go through the whole essay, fixing all of the comma splices and run-ons. Repost for further feedback.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay/ Intellectual Vitality [4]

When I started reading, I felt dispirited. "Not another person claiming tritely to be an 'outside of the box' thinker," I felt. But, no: You have a unique spin on that trite saying. Good job!

Undergraduate / "Money is not omnipotent, but no money is incapable" (common app -- concern) [3]


I love the poetry of this line but, unfortunately, it doesn't quite make sense. "Ambivalent" means having mixed feelings. How can money have mixed feelings? Probably, you are looking for some other word, though I am not sure what it is.

I like it that, throughout the essay, you are stretching to use a wide variety of words in creative ways. I think that the admissions committee will like that too, but just be very sure of the meanings of the words you are using.

For example:


I'm guessing that, here, you are thinking "booties" is the plural of "booty" in the sense of loot. But, actually, "booties" means buttocks in colloquial English. As much as I enjoy the idea of people showing their "exorbitant booties" with pride, I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean to say!

Undergraduate / Michigan Engineering Essay (the field of aerospace engineering) [2]

This is fine, though a bit dull. It's OK for engineering essays to be dull, but you still might want to make it more interesting by featuring an anecdote or image concerning some aspect of aerospace engineering that is especially fascinating to you.

Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia [4]


This is a lovely sentence! So few students know the word "enervating." To contrast it with another "e" word (exhilarating) is very, um, effective.


Not at all: You hit it right here:


And here:


Another lovely sentence. Very poetic!

Undergraduate / "Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay [4]


Right: It's not clear what "lost time" you might be referring to... the time you spent reflecting? That's not lost time! I'd just cut that paragraph.

You might want to add more to the paragraph that precedes it. Orthodontist just kind of comes out of nowhere. Your orthodontist is happy with his job and therefore you will be happy with that job? That makes no sense. Plenty of people are happy with their jobs because they are a good match for them. If you happened to know a happy ballerina, would you now be enrolling as a dance major? No! There's something about dentistry that feels right to you. Say what that is.

Undergraduate / "Why essay" for help. [4]

Your story from childhood is compelling and well told, with exquisite imagery. Just augment it with some more material about why you now, as an adult, want to study business.

Undergraduate / Anime (My essay to u-m) [15]

I love your first line. But:


If that's true, then you must have done some things that demonstrate that interest or work toward that goal. Include those things in the essay.

Undergraduate / Personal statement"After the surgery nightmare " [2]

This is a fine topic, but I'm concerned by the weighting of the essay, with so much devoted to the surgery and so little devoted to after. Fill out what are now the last two paragraphs, giving details or more examples. If you need to edit down the surgery narrative to make room for that, do it.

Undergraduate / Legos (Admission Topic for Carnegie Mellon University) [2]

This is a great theme around which to organize an engineering-related essay. (They are often dull.) You need to break the very long first paragraph into two or even three paragraphs. I'd also recommend adding some detail about what you witnessed when you shadowed a mechanical engineer and then, if you can, say a bit more about what you aspire to do after graduation from CMU, perhaps bringing the legos back in to tie the conclusion to the introduction.

Undergraduate / Live, Laugh, Love [8]


Cut this. Begin with what is now your second sentence.

What I like about this essay is that you offer specific details when sharing what your parents taught you. (The cherry tree story is particularly charming.) This rescues the essay from the land of trite essays about parents, but only just barely.

The last two paragraphs have to go or be radically altered. It's fine and even good for an undergraduate to understand that s/he doesn't yet have a career in mind. (Most who think they know change their minds anyway.) But you have to say something about your particular interests and aspirations. Surely there are some fields of study or practice that interest you more than others.

And do not -- repeat: do not -- end your essay with a trite saying that started out as a motif for cheap necklaces and tee-shirts in the 1970s.

Writing Feedback / academic essay for the important assessment of the English Curriculum. [3]

This is pretty good for an English competency exam, which I assume this is as it has absolutely nothing to do with assessing any English curriculum. Here are a few grammatical fixes:

...to receive financial aid and expert assistance from...

The reasons areSuch aid can help to provide...

As you know ,
Never shift suddenly into second-person like this. You're not writing to any particular person.

In Africa, many countries which lack of democracy are ruled by the juntas .

To sum up, the prospects for developing the less-developed countries are improved if the fully-developed nations are willing to give aids.

Book Reports / Reader response of 2 short stories [3]


Are these answers to specific questions? Or are you numbering the paragraphs? If you are answering questions, you should tell us the questions. If not -- uh oh! I see no coherent stream of thought between the first and second paragraphs. Furthermore, the first paragraph jumps in with this line, which has a nice phrase ("a kind of mad nervousness") but is incomprehensible since you've not said who this "narrator" might be or what, in fact, you are writing about. If this is supposed to be the first paragraph of an essay, it needs to do the work of an introductory paragraph.

Since I can't comment any more on content until I know whether this is meant to be an essay or a series of answers to questions, let me turn to grammar:


The character's what? Her dress? Her personality? Her history? Or did you mean "characters"? Don't just insert apostrophes for no good reason. I'm stressing this because you did it in your question to us too, which suggests that you've got the bad habit of making plurals into possessives. That habit drives composition teachers absolutely mad, as it suggests that the writer isn't thinking at all but simply tossing in punctuation marks like seasoning.

Graduate / Managerial or Technical? (Admission Essay--Masters in Information Technology) [4]

Hmm, normally I recommend jumping right into a narrative, but here I'm not so sure. Your narrative is so long and varied that one begins to wonder why one is being told this story. I think you need to amend the first paragraph by appending something that explains why you are seeking this degree and how your story relates to that quest.

Writing Feedback / Exercise for upcoming final exam: How to be a good manager? [2]


Be careful with word choice. I'm guessing you mean "shrewd" rather than "shrew." I wonder if you really believe that good managers "exploit" other people, with has the connotation of unfairly extracting things from them.

On the whole, this is a reasonably competent IELTS/TOEFL essay. Your structure is strong, your arguments are fine, and your grammatical errors are not so glaring as to interfere with the reader's comprehension.

Undergraduate / @ 18 Tyler Franks passed away of a drug overdose; SOP- UT Austin [4]

Your narrative is very strong, but this doesn't quite fulfill the function of a statement of purpose because the purpose you state -- helping people -- is too vague. You say it in three different ways, all too vague:


As opposed to people in some other world? Help them how? How, exactly, will a degree from UT help you in that?


That could mean anything from being a friendly Wall-Mart greeter to being Barack "Yes We Can" Obama. Could you be more specific?


This could cover anything from handing out meals to the homeless as a member of Food Not Bombs to assisting pilots as an air traffic controller. Again, you need to be more specific.

Undergraduate / 'Meaningless life without struggle' - FSU CARE SUMMER BRIDGE PROGRAM [4]


I'm not at all sure what you mean by this. That may not matter. I think that, perhaps, your first paragraph is not needed. Jump in with what you now use as your second paragraph and save the musings about struggle for the conclusion.

A few grammatical fixes:

WatchingT he daily tribulations of a hardworking mother who works nights,and barely spending time with a father who works 16- hour days,are difficult for a daughter to see.

Although they got limited schooling and weren't given the opportunities I was given, they have strong faith in what college education can do for a person's life.

Graduate / I want to become an integral part of Canadian society ; PS for a law school [3]

I love the way this essay begins, but I worry that it takes too long to get to the point where you decide to study law and, worse, does not fully explain that decision. Perhaps you could build in some foreshadowing of that decision and also say more about it.

Undergraduate / The Ten-Digit Number - Common App Essay [3]


I enjoy the whole thing. You're on solid ground here, assuming that other important things (who you are, what you want to study, etc.) are covered in other parts of the application.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]


You lose me here. Are you saying that the nurse scenario was made up and that you actually were the girl in the story? Or, are you saying that you identified with her so strongly that you confused her terrible physical trauma with your own past heartbreak? Or, were you actually attacked too? Clarify this however you can.

Essays / How do I title a summary/analysis paper? [3]

No, don't use the article's title as your title. Call it something like "Learning Versus Education" and then identify the title and author of the article in your first or second sentence.

Undergraduate / The inconsistency in my life made me who I am today. (biographical essay) [5]

This is a very strong essay. Be sure to spell out low numbers like "six" and "three."

Research Papers / There are three states of matter;Solids, gases, and liquids [2]

This is not bad at all for an eighth grade essay! I like the ending very much.

The first thing you must do is stop calling yourself a bad writer.

The next thing you must do is proofread your essay by reading it aloud. This will help you to catch errors such as missing words:

It was a quite hot day, and my ice cream started to melt slowly.

Graduate / SOP for my phd (Masters in Automotive and Motorsports Engineering) [3]

In it's writing, this SoP is, as you say, "normal" but I'm not sure that's a problem. You're field is automotive engineering, not creative writing. The only suggestion I have is that, if your research interests really are consistent with the foci of the faculty, state those research interests earlier in the statement (perhaps in the first paragraph).

Some edits:

A Solar Car design assignment gave me further challenges to deal . The design was based on the given driving terrain conditions.T he design work was carried out by a team of four, which introduced me to the efficient application of electronic systems in the a utomobile sector. This also helped me to gain expertise in CAD/CAE software required for design and validation by analysis of the entire vehicle.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose_Math_Post graduation study application [2]


Once one is applying for post-graduate study, it's time to quit bragging about primary school accomplishments.

I have taken fundamental courses like Mathematical Analysis, Advanced Algebra, C++, and Database as well as advanced courses like Probability Theory, Operations Research, Numerical Analysis, Discrete Mathematics, Information Security and Cryptology, and Operational S ystems .


Where is the university to which you are applying? Perhaps they use the term you are using elsewhere, but in the United States, the term you want is "statistician."