Writing Feedback / IELTS : intelligent machines replacing human beings : advantages and disadvantages [4]

Your introduction and thesis statement in the first paragraph it too short. I suggest that you present an overview of the ideas as to what the perceived advantage and disadvantage of using machines in place of human beings could be. You can then introduce your thesis statement. For the second paragraph, do not start off by saying" on the one hand". Instead, open the discussion with a history of machine automation and the reasons that man thought it would be more efficient and useful to develop machines and gadgets that can take over for humans. Mention difficult tasks that could also be life threatening for man, thus proving that using intelligent machines have an important use in the labor industry. For the third paragraph, do not assume information. Be sure. Be positive that the machines cause the unemployment rate to go up. Give definite reasons with supporting evidence for the disadvantages such as the lack of job opportunities, downsizing of the workforce, etc. Finally expand your discussion about why you believe that replacing humans with machines is advantageous by mentioning more tasks that a limited by the ability of man but can be programmed into machines to do.

You have a very good start to the essay. It just needs polishing and more discussion points. I believe this is your first draft and you will have to write at least 2 more before you come to your final version. Keep up the good work :-)

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [6]

jackthomas, I suggest that you do a Google search for professional athlete scandals that you can use as reference for the bad role model part. Any professional athlete caught using performance enhancing drugs before, during, or after a competition that gave them an edge over the other athletes is a sample of a bad role model. Any professional athlete caught in a domestic violence situation is also a good example of a bad athlete. Then for the good example, look at the athletes who had to overcome adversity to get to the top of their game. Those who rose from poverty, had disabilities, or were thought to never be able to compete by others and succeeded in their quest to compete and win are good role models. Any professional athletes who do charity work are also good role models. There are many examples of good and bad role model athletes. Just go a Google search for it. As for the thank you button, I think you can click on the Like button / icon for that. That is the closest to a thank you button that I found on the page :-)

The writing is not totally abstract. As you develop your writing skills through practice essay tests, your writing will become more solid, cohesive, and expressive. The key is to understand the prompt and know how to answer it with confidence in a written form. You will get there. Essay writing is a skill that is not achieved overnight. It takes lots of practice. Just keep writing and you will improve with every essay you write :-)

I took the TOEFL in the past, which is a sister exam of the IELTS so I would be very happy to assist you with developing your essay writing skills :-) In fact, I look forward to it ;-)

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [6]

Well, the TOEFL is more for American studies while the IETLS is for Canadian/British/Australian studies. So it really depends upon whether you are more familiar with the American or British English version of the English language. The exams are both accepted internationally so the choice is actually yours to make. If you still have your old TOEFL reviewers, then consider retaking the TOEFL again. You can see how well you have improved since you last took the test :-) You are right that the essays always ask for solid evidence or specific examples to support your claims. But since you don't have time to do actual research during the test, I would suggest that you read as many English articles, magazines, books, and anything else that can make you more familiar with the British culture, history, and current events. Now, if you are more familiar with American culture, history, and current events, it might be best for you to take the TOEFL again instead.

The topic is not really abstruse.You just need guidance in analyzing the topic, you need to learn to find the key words in the essay prompt. In this essay the key words are "athlete, good, bad, role model, point of view, your own opinion". Find the topic of the prompt and the rest should easily follow :-)

Feel free to ask your questions, I'll do my best to answer them and guide you :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : intelligent machines replacing human beings : advantages and disadvantages [4]

Pyon9x, you can talk about Henry Ford and how he decided that creating a factory line would make cars more affordable to people. This eventually led to the automation of the car manufacturing industry. It can also be used as an example of how too many intelligent machines doing the jobs of humans can signal the demise of an industry because automated technology makes manufacturing more expensive. I hope my suggestion helps you :-)

Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

Then tell them what course you plan to take and how the scholarship can help you achieve that. It is important to create a personal connection between the scholarship program and the course you plan to take. They are not just going to give the scholarship to anybody who applies for it. You need to appeal to their sense of responsibility by letting them know that they will be providing you with an education that will eventually serve the greater good. Scholarships are all about giving back either to the foundation that provided the scholarship or giving back to the community. Talk about how you plan to do that with their help. Then mention anything about yourself and your accomplishments that you feel will make your application stand out. Remember, these people read hundreds of applications a day, they need to be hooked in by your first paragraph or you might lose their interest. Create an interesting hook for your application essay so that they will read your application essay to the very end. I hope my advice helps you :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]

Some constructive criticism for you to consider :-) There are tremendous amounts of grammatical errors in this paper that would get it an automatic failing grade if it were submitted to the professor at this point. Please get a dictionary and look up the words that you used because you used the wrong words in certain sentences. Take for example carrier when you obviously meant career. You have very good opinions on the topic being discussed but the lack of proof reading, editing, and grammatical errors overshadow your intelligent discussion. Fix the grammatical errors and the essay will become better :-)

Undergraduate / Tulane - "Exactly the school I need" - SOP Prompt [3]

You can start off by talking about how you became interested in a particular course earlier in your academic life but then was prevented from further pursuing it due to financial difficulties. Then go into a discussion of their scholarship grants. In particular, discuss the grant that you are interested in and how you feel it can help you achieve your goals in life. Don't forget to talk about their research grants as well, making mention of a particular research prompt that you have been toying with for some time now. After all of that discussion, you can present the reasons as to why you feel you will be a perfect fit not only for Tulane, but for their scholarships as well. Let them know what your plans are for your time as a student and then 5 years after graduation. Explain how you will help promote Tulane as a leading center of learning by becoming an active student leader and advocate for the scholarship programs after you graduate. Those are just some ideas to start you off. I believe you will develop some other ideas for yourself from that point on. I hope these points help :-D Good Luck!

Essays / I'm interested in pursuing my carer as in master in accountancy [6]

Your statement is confusing. Are you pursuing an academic masters degree in accountancy or are you applying for a job in an accounting department? Those are 2 different things and will also result in two different resume's. For a work resume, you need to highlight your work experience and accomplishments in your resume. For an academic application, you will need to create a statement of purpose for your master's degree. Please clarify which of the two you are going to be applying for so that you can be advised properly. Thank you :-)

Essays / I'm interested in pursuing my carer as in master in accountancy [6]

Hi munaf 501 :-) In that case you don't need a resume. What you need is a Statement of Purpose for Graduate School. This is the essay paper where you state your reasons for wanting to attend graduate school. You also need to mention what your future plans are and how attending and completing graduate school will be a tremendous help in your achieving your goals and ambitions in your career. I suggest you write a statement of purpose covering the first 5 years of your career. Be it working at an entry level position at an accounting firm, working your way up, and then eventually, starting your own accounting firm yourself. Explain the importance of accounting in the business world from your point of view. If you can use my suggestions as guides in writing your statement of purpose draft, we can start fixing it up from there :-) I hope my suggestions have helped you get on track.

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]


- ... after finishing high school...


- mention a few advantages in general at this point to show the succeeding flow of discussion.


- - you mentioned from studies twice. Remember to review your paragraphs for redundancies


they believe that having a good paying job before attending university will help them save money for their education. (A little problem with the sentence structure)


- useful in ...


- if a student wants to further develop his language skills before enrolling in a foreign university, living abroad for a year prior to enrollment will help the student gain that experience and language training.


- after finishing high school...


- career . (You are getting your words confused at this point. Having a dictionary handy for reference will help you understand word meanings and differences)


I hope my grammar suggestions will help you further improve upon this essay. Like I said before, your work is good. It just needs to be revised to a certain degree in order to make it shine. If you can present a longer discussion of your personal opinion on the topic, then that will also help with the further improvement of the paper.

Good luck :-)

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

You should always mention some important personal information such as your academic or civic accomplishments and / or awards that you received in relation to the course you will study or the scholarship you are applying for. The reason is that the letter is the first thing the scholarship committee members will read. If they find it interesting, then they will look at your attached CV. You should create an interesting hook at the start of the letter. Like EF Kevin said, it is important to give them an almost visual image of what they are reading so that they will continue to read your application letter to the very end and in the process, seriously consider you as a candidate for the scholarship. Good lick with your application!

Undergraduate / 'My interests include organic chemistry and biochemistry' - Which department or program at MIT? [5]

I think the essay would be much improved if you mentioned any accomplishments or important tasks that you performed at your job rather than just mentioning that you work there. Also, I think the essay can use a more personal touch by including some reasons for your interest in organic and biochemistry and what early work you did in the field. The reason I am suggesting this is because you mentioned that you love doing this kind of work but you never explained how or why you developed an interest in those particular fields. Also, you should further explain what kind of research you did and what you hoped it would accomplish and what the eventual outcome of the research was. Doing that early on in the essay would most likely create the interesting hook that you need in order to keep the reviewer interested in further considering your application.

Writing Feedback / Work and travel for a year? - do not forget to read enough books and improve your knowledge [9]

GaziF, I will be very happy to guide you with your other essays. Just remember that the secret to a well written essay is reviewing and editing. That is how you catch the errors that you made and correct yourself along the way. Don't forget to continue reading English material as well. The more familiar you become with the language's written structure, the more polished your own writing will become :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gentle manners vs Material possessions. [7]

The way I see it, you need to expand more on the end part where you finally begin to discuss your personal opinion on the matter. Although you presented both sides of the issue in earlier statements, you never claimed them to be your own. You need to answer the prompt of the essay by agreeing or disagreeing with the opinion that was presented to you. You need to make a formal stand either agreeing or disagreeing with the statement and giving an extended explanation in support of your opinion. The first two paragraphs make for a good introduction and general discussion on the prompt. You need to strengthen your personal opinion and conclusion in order to make the essay work. Expand the discussion and you will be on the right track.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : rural to major city : challenges and strategies? [7]

Pyon9x, I would suggest that you revise this essay in its totality. It has a lot of grammatical problems that need to be addressed and the discussion itself is weak and does not offer much in terms of strategies for immersing oneself in a new country / environment. To begin with:


- The opening statement is way too short. You should not address the reader directly by posing a question because the prompt does not call for that. Also, you need to clarify if you will be discussing migration to a new country or a new city and then stick to that discussion. I would suggest moving to another country because that calls for more adjustment and strategies in order to adjust to a new life.


- Say "Moving to a new country almost always produces a language barrier because each country speaks a different language. Even the English language has the British and English version and sometimes those 2 languages are in conflict as well." Then talk about the difficulties of being a second language learner and how that prohibits the smooth adjustment of the immigrant in the new country.

Your second argument is quite sound. I would suggest developing it more by explaining how immigrants have a hard time overcoming their old traditions in favor of new ones and then discuss how that hinders his assimilation into the new culture and way of life that he has to get used to.

Your conclusion should include suggestions on how to best overcome the language barrier (such as enrolling in language classes) and culture shock (by slowly adjusting his thought process to the new culture) in order to solidify your argument and present strategies regarding how to deal with the hindrances the immigrants face.

I hope you can use some of my suggestions. Good luck with revising the paper. I look forward to reading the 2nd version :-)

Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [4]


- I decided to pursue ...


- I would to work in the academic...


- my chosen career


- always a very curious, dynamic, and observant person.These are features that I consider...


- I graduated with an ...


- and during this time I improved...


- I participated in different...


- which is the students academic representation


- student assemblies


- a representative of the students I had to attend meetings at the Biology...


- new methods being utilized.



- lab assistant researching the ...


- after a year of dedicating...


- goal was to continue...



- to mentor me in a master's degree project doing research on behavioral...


- something new where I would ...


- asked for help from a professor... and from a student in...


- I worked on ...



- the feeling that I can and need to...

Those are the grammatical errors I spotted that need to be cleaned up in order to make the SOP more professional looking. Overall, you have created a coherent essay that represents your interests, goals, and ambitions quite well. It just needs some tweaking and revising in order to achieve that. Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The proportion of energy from coal [4]


- does the data for Germany and France come from 1995 as well? I suggest that you mention the year the data covers for those countries so that the reader will know if the information is all connected or should be considered independently. This kind of report is very information precise and requires factual data in order to be considered authoritative and academic.

Undergraduate / "my grandparents' home in Jordan" - a place you feel content; Personal statement for CPW [3]

Rephrase the following sentence: The grown ups sit around a large wooden table together while the younger children go and sit at separate smaller tables.

- The grown ups would gather for the meal around a large wooden table while the younger children would go sit at a separate smaller table adjacent to the large wooden table

You have written an essay in an almost native speaker tongue. That is something that I commend you for. You thoroughly understood the prompt and answered it quite imaginatively. Your description of the events that unfold at your parents house springs to life in the imagination of the reader. Another good thing about this essay is that you went further and explained the lessons that you learned there, which gives further credibility as to why you would truly feel safe and content at your grandparent's house. I rephrased the sentence that you asked to be rephrased. I hope it works for you.

Keep up the good work. This is a very good essay paper. You should be proud of your work :-)

Writing Feedback / The basic part a skeleton of every relationship is trust - reliability as a most important trait [5]

The most important thing you accomplished in this essay is that you understood and successfully answered the prompt. However, the essay is confusing because you mention other traits as well instead of just mentioning one characteristic and spending the rest of the time discussing only that. There was no need to mention any other trait because you were not being asked to mention other traits in the prompt. Your introduction and thesis could have been best served if you immediately presented an overview as to why you believed that reliability is the most important trait in a friend.

This is not a bad essay for something written in 30 minutes. After the scattered first paragraph, you seem to have gotten your direction in the succeeding paragraphs. I would have liked to seen a longer explanation and justification for our belief but I believe that you did a good job using the time allotted.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Technologies have suggested everyone in the world. [4]

Please allow me to make a few corrections for you:


- use the wo
rds advantages and disadvantages as those are the key words in the essay prompt.


-Watching television... (food is the plural form of the same word)... gives a convenient...


- This sentence does not help the essay move forward. Keep it simple. Instead, just say that the television helps people unwind and relax after a hard day at work.

- Do not mention comparisons to other countries. Instead, talk about the overall convenience of having a car. You can still use traffic and crime as a reference point but leave out Indonesia as the car is something the whole world uses.


- In addition, sophisticated devices have been said to cause illnesses.


- excellent distraction tools .


cause diseases ...


- vehicular accidents

-Explain why drivers cannot safely drive cars. You need to research more about the overall effects of climate change and explain how it affects people.

Aside from the above grammatical errors that I caught, I have to also point out that you never solidly gave a personal opinion on the advantages of technology in everyday life. You gave general opinions. The important word here that is missing is I. Always say, "I believe" or, "My opinion is..." in order to align your essay with the prompt.

Undergraduate / "it's the mark of a great player to be confident in tough situations" college essay [3]


- (This is a word count limited essay. Do not waste the words with fillers. ) my first job in the ...elementary teaching ...


- One time , I was called in...


- keep the kids quiet...


- ... "Mrs. Murray, I did ask the children to speak in whispers if they had to talk to each other"...


- ... have hired irresponsible...


- chose to be polite



- excitement in their eyes...


- ... for placing us in a situation where we could learn from each other


- Put this in the first paragraph as your hook. Say "John McEnroe once said something that I believe best explains my journey..." then place the quote.

The hook at the beginning is what will set the tone for your paper. That tone cannot be set by a question.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Strategic area for a new school in the town of Canterbury. [4]

Here are a few tips for better wording this essay:


- where two areas are connected ...


- there are two strategic areas being considered for the building a ...


- There is a 5 km distance from Sturry to the planned... with a population of


- ... is located between the housing...


- The university can be seen in the Northeast of S1 with the Town Centre to the west. The main road connects the Town Centre to Sturry.


- The planned area... is situated in the Town Centre which is a no traffic zone.

I hope my advice will be beneficial for you. Overall, this is a very informative piece of writing that shows a clear understanding of the reading material provided. Good work :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Technologies have suggested everyone in the world. [4]

Hi TiaDS,

You misunderstood me. In this particular essay, you are being required to use your personal opinion so you should always use the first person pronouns when talking about your person opinion. Use the words I, me, my, for starters. As you progress with your writing, your skills will also improve so that you will know how to accurately present your personal opinion in a manner comfortable to you. For example, you can say "It is my personal opinion" or ' I believe that..." or, "It it were up to me..." All of those sentence starters indicate a personal opinion on your part. I realize essay writing can be confusing at times. That is why we are here to help you :-) Don't hesitate to ask more questions if you need to.

Writing Feedback / The basic part a skeleton of every relationship is trust - reliability as a most important trait [5]

Let me point out some corrections for you. The strikeouts mean to delete, red means to replace, blue means to add :-)


- The basis of...


- The people I choose to become my friends are intelligent...


- have asense of...


- the most important characteristic of a friend is reliability .


...
- Weneed people who ...


- when we get involved...


- when we cannot be a friend to them during their own time of need.


- they betray our confidence, our trust, and their reliability as friends in the future...


- So, if we do not...


- We need...


- Therefore, keeping in mind the previously mentioned ideas about the importance of reliability in a friendship, it becomes easier for all of us to understand why reliability should be the foundation of every strong friendship we make.

I hope you won't mind that I reworded some sentences for you. I just felt the thoughts would flow better that way. I hope you like it. Use this as a reference for your next essay if you wish :-)

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

The main problem with the paper is that you spent too much time describing the bus ride instead of the way you felt while riding it. You should have talked about your 3 characteristics that emerge each time you ride the bus. Then explained how the bus ride helped you achieve each status through a series of interactions with other bus riders. Each experience ending with how you felt content at the end of it. The bus is where you feel content. That is clear. But why you feel content is really unclear. You should revise the essay in order to explain yourself better. The actions you take on the bus are not important. Your sentiments or feelings about the bus ride are. That is what makes you feel content while riding the bus and that is what we are interested in finding out about.

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

Hi JacobCub. Let me make some comments and suggestions that I hope will help you get your essay on the right track :-)

The main problems I see in your essay are the character traits that you chose to describe yourself. Those 3 traits do not easily fall into a story about a bus ride. If you don't mind, I would like to change your character traits in order to make the essay work. I would instead choose the traits of friendliness, being a sharer, and accommodating because those will fit perfectly in a bus ride story. I would also indicate that you feel a sense of inner peace (contentment) while on the bus.

For friendliness, you can relate a story about how almost everyone on the bus knows one another because you all take the same bus everyday. Then a new person came onboard one time and, sensing his discomfort, you helped to welcome him on the bus so that he could feel relaxed during the long ride.

As a sharer and an accommodating person, you could talk about how sometimes, the elderly would get on the bus when it is already crowded and, because you get on the bus early on the route, you always get a seat. But every time you see an old person get on the bus, you offer your seat to the person because it is the right thing to do. It shows your respect for others and also allows you to do a good deed for the day.

Now you can talk about how all those three character traits of yours allow you to get on the bus and know that you will start the day feeling content in the knowledge that you started your day doing something good for others.

I hope my suggestions help you with your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Issue regarding the real efficiency of examinations using pen and paper [3]

- The introduction is weak and scattered. You should be presenting your thesis statement by the end of the paragraph and explaining how you will justify your opinion on the matter.

- Do a comparison. What is the students were to take the same tests using computers? Would the results be the same? How would computer based tests be a more effective form of evaluating a student? Would the pen and paper examination mindset be changed if it is proven that computer based tests are better at assessing students?

In totality, the essay is very weak because you never gave your personal point of view regarding examinations. This paper will greatly benefit from a personal point of view. Talk about your own anxiety regarding pen and paper tests and how comfortable you are when taking computer tests. That POV will definitely answer the essay prompt and provide an insightful point of view regarding the effectiveness of pen and paper exams.

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

By all means, write a new introduction for the essay using my suggestions as a guide or prompt. As for your question, the answer is no. An accommodating person is an agreeable person who is helpful in manner and behavior. A sharer or sharing person on the other hand, is someone who is willing to share his belongings or talent for the benefit of other people. A sharing person is not acquisitive / selfish. While an accommodating person may or may not be acquisitive / selfish by nature. Good luck with the rewrite. I am looking forward to reading it :-)

Undergraduate / 'I wish to become a Lincesed Practical Nurse' - LPN entrance essay [10]

Okay, the main problem that I see with your essay is that it has cookie cutter answers. These are all simple and basic answers that any potential nursing student will give. Your essay lacks the compassion and advocacy that most people who enter the nursing position usually embody. You should create a personal connection between yourself and your desire to become a nurse. Was there something in your life that pulled you towards nursing? That could be the answer to the question "Why do you want to become a nurse?". Has anything in your life prepared you for a nursing career? That is what holds the answer to the question "Why do you believe you would make a good nurse?". And Finally, The duties and responsibilities. The answer to this questions lies deeper than the usual nurse duties of taking vital signs and charting patient progress. You need to create an answer that will make the reader understand that you are willing to go above and beyond the normal expectations of a nurse in order to do your job efficiently and well. The problems with punctuation are not the major concern at the moment. The main concern is getting the essay to answer the prompts properly.

There is a great possibility that you can produce a more personalized nursing personal statement using the aforementioned guidelines. You are trying to convince the admissions board that you are a person who has a nursing advocacy. You understand the meaning of the job, and that you are willing to be selfless for the benefit of your patients. That is how you can entice the admissions board to look further into your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Modern Stress - relating factors and potential measures [3]

First of all, an opening statement should have at least 5 sentences in it. I suggest you lengthen the statement by creating an interesting hook for your essay. That will be the thesis that will drive the rest of the essay forward. As for the corrections that I see, you can refer to the list below.


...



- As the world gets more modern and developed...


- we encounter ...


- Our intense work schedule allows very little time for relaxation and holidays due to the ever increasing demands of our careers.


- ... it is very tiring to keep a wide range of relationships


- replace this sentence totally. Environmental pollution does not cause Alzeihmer's. Do not mention any topic that you are not an authority on. Use only topics that are common knowledge so that you will not need to document evidence to support your claims.


- there are some practical measures that can be taken .


- We must keep a healthy lifestyle by getting enough sleep...


- A good and healthy...


- but also results in...


- in an exhausting way...


- go beyond their boundaries , so just be content ...


- we can diminish these problems..

Now for the marking on this essay. If the highest band possible is 5, I would give it a 3 due to the numerous grammar problems and the lack of a coherent opening statement. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and does not reflect the opinion of the official IELTS examiner.

Undergraduate / A broken fridge away to adulthood - Common App Prompt 5 [3]

First of all, I must say that you described a very interesting transition in your essay. The transition from carefree adolescence to adulthood, such as what happened in your case was well described. From the point where you realized that you did not want to spend any money if possible to get the fridge fixed and then the initiative that you took to find out if you could fix the problem yourself, these are all traits of transition. You used a very good life changing incident as the focal point of this essay. There are grammatical errors here and there that need fixing but you really did a good job on this essay regardless of those shortcomings. As to whether you sounded like you were boasting, that is to be expected because you are describing a life transition event and in this case, you have every right to be proud of yourself and the method by which you transitioned to adulthood. Even your retrospective at the end of the essay shows the kind of maturity that you developed while dealing with the fridge problem. You more than answered the prompt. You delivered a well thought out essay. Grammar mistakes aside that is :-) This is definitely a very good attempt at writing an essay.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, there is change in the way people interact because of technology [4]

It would really help to review your writing if you provided the writing prompt for the essay. Over all though, it is a solidly written essay that shows a clear understanding of the effects of technology on the 21st century relationship of people and how they communicate or stay in touch. Mentioning the changes in the way people do business because of technology was a nice touch as well. However, there are a few grammar issues that I feel I need to point out for the betterment of this paper. What I wish to point out are as follows:


- in everything they do in their day-to- day lives...


- in the way people communicate


- Software is the singular and plural form of the word


-helpful in making major decisions without the need to travel to the client location


- The telephone is a basic necessity that allows ...


...


- watching live...


- apart from basic...



- Facebook , one of the ... site allows ...



- has both advantages and disadvantages


- because of the high...


- You should discuss this a little bit more since you mentioned that the way we communicate is changing. Explain letter writing as a dying form of communication.


- helped improve the ...

With 5 being the highest band score, If I were the examiner, I would give this a 3.5 due to the grammar problems present in the essay.

Undergraduate / Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination) [7]

You presented your 3 character traits as part of your justification for your interest in joining the Naval Service Academy. You should discuss each trait individually in terms of how it can help you rise in the ranks of officers and most importantly, how these traits will help you as a career officer in the service of the public. Let us not forget that becoming a member of the navy is more than just about becoming an officer. What is your end goal? Aside from becoming an officer. Will attending the academy help you further develop as an individual? How can it do that? If you have any ideas about how attending the academy will allow you to further assist in the development of the 21st century naval force, you should mention that as well. These are just some interesting points for discussion that can further enhance the content of your essay. Remember, you are selling yourself as a potential naval officer. So sell yourself hard and make sure the essay embodies the very traits that will make you an exemplary naval officer in the future. Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / A Dyslexic Home School Boy Conquers Public School - Common App prompt 5 [2]

Okay, first the bad news. Transitioning from home schooling to public school does not count as a transition from childhood to adulthood. Anything that occurred in your life under the age of 18, which is the age of majority, or adulthood in the United States, does not count as a transitioning event. So you are definitely way off the prompt topic wise. I would suggest that you choose something from your recent life experiences that relates to taking on more responsibility either for yourself or other people in order to properly answer the prompt. Something that showed how you started out with an innocent point of view and then left you with a more mature outlook would also suffice.

Now the good news, you have a talent for writing essays. It is creative and interesting to read your work. You just need to learn to analyze what the prompt is asking for before you start to write. That way you are sure to answer the prompt and not write something that is off tangent :-)

I hope my constructive criticism can help you rewrite this paper closer to what the essay prompt is asking for. You can concentrate on receiving the Greyhound Gala Award instead. Bring that up to the first paragraph and then relate the homeschooling portion of your life and your entry into public school. That way you can use a retrospective point of view to point out your transition from childhood to adulthood :-) Sometimes editing skills come in handy when revising an essay as well. In your case, editing and repositioning some paragraphs and sentences will do the trick :-)

Undergraduate / I was told that I'm lucky to receive an education in America - USF college entrance essay [4]

I hate to tell you this but the second essay still does not answer the prompt. The main focus of your essay should be on how you plan to help spread the mission and objective of the school. To quote;


You talk of becoming a neurosurgeon but you never mentioned how it would tie into the mission of the school. Do you plan on doing charity medical care after you become a doctor? Would you somehow manage to promote the Jesuit cause while you do your job as a doctor / surgeon? How do you think you can help the university carry out its mission?

While your life story is interesting and touching, telling your personal story distracted you from the essay prompt. Forget your personal story at this point. Try to think about the mission of the school and list some ideas about how you can help promote their cause. Use that list to write a new essay draft. Don't worry, we will continue to work with you until you get it right :-)

Undergraduate / LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING IF YOU ONLY LIVE FOR YOURSELF! BARRY UNIVERSITY PROMPT! [3]

This essay answers almost all of the prompts provided except the question about "How important was it to the people you served?" That portion of the essay was too short. You should have explained more about your interaction with the children and how your activities with them were something that they looked forward to. Perhaps include information about how you developed important bonds with the kids who were very ill through the storytelling time or playtime you have with them. If there is no word limit then I suggest that you work on developing each paragraph even further in order to give a more precise explanation of your experience there and why you will continue to volunteer with the hospital. There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected but that can be done after you revise the content of the essay because you might decide to rewrite some portions, which would make the corrections moot and academic.

Overall, it was a solid essay that proved how well your understood the prompt. You just need to expand your paragraph discussion some more in order to fully utilize the potential to present a very interesting activity that you had in the best light :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE - Impossible to make a significant contribution without strongly influenced by past achievements [3]


- Every single achievement...recognized for its to progress...ones that set the foundation of the field


- Past success play an important role in the development of a person in his chosen field.


- mostly from scientists who are further developing previous...


- without a serious


- This question is unnecessary as a more important foundation was established earlier.



- This example implicitly articulates


- It ...


-that paved ...


- market participants approached


- This led world famous...to apply Grahams...


- Grahams ideas were endangered by the Great Depression of the 1930's which caused panic among investors.


- ... past achievements always motivate


- This is seen in the world of sports,


- creates a new...




- Remarkable achievements...

The points of discussion that you used were right on track to respond to the prompts. Your examples are so effective and helps to explain your point of view in a solid manner. I hope you don't mind my revising some sentences and pointing out your grammar problems in the essay. I thought it would show you how the essay could flow better as well. Keep practicing. This essay of yours shows your potential to become even better at writing future essays :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL A/D: Companies should use money to reward their employees rather than use public recognition [2]

Let's start off with a few grammar corrections:


- ... number of people havebegun .. whether a company...


- ... seem to believe that a company... it can save the company...


- best reward for ... it lets


- We are living in a world where one needs money in order to survive.


- the price of commodities are ...than the cost in ...


- Therefore, it would not be fair to only give public recognition to hardworking employees. The recognition is good but the employees need money.


- that the company should use...



- employees the motivation...


- They might think... to give them financial rewards,



- Let me reiterate that people need money buy what they need to survive.

This essay is well thought out and crafted. You show a clear understanding of the prompt and offer a deep insight into the matter. Your discussion works well and your conclusion is a strong finish in my opinion. I hope my advice regarding the grammar issues helps you out :-)

Undergraduate / Virginia Tech: Stepping on Hokie Soil [7]

It is a good start. I would suggest you number the reasons in first, second, third, etc. format so that the admissions officer will be clear that you are stating 5 reasons. It is also important that you expand upon each reason that you present. Separate each reason into paragraphs so that you will have enough room to fully discuss your reasons and provide examples whenever necessary. For a stronger finish to this essay, I recommend that you mention how you personally embody the 5 reasons that you previously stated and how you and the university can help each other further strengthen the university in terms of academic achievements and community relationship. Any grammar problems are really negligible and can be sorted out once you have revised the essay. That way you don't have to worry about fitting any corrections into the final or 2nd essay form :-)

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

Okay, it would have been nice to read the essay prompt prior to reading your motivation letter. But I will go with what you have provided in order to comment on the paper. First of all, the paper is too simplistic in content. It does not say much about your motivation regarding your proposed major and why you chose to study in that particular country, which I assume is the U.S.

What university is this motivation letter addressed to? The reason I ask is because the information you are providing is too general to be seriously considered as a motivation letter by the college or university. You do not discuss anything about the course curriculum that motivated you to choose this educational institution over the others.

It would be better if you discussed your motivation stemming from your early experiences, detailing one specific event that made you realize why you want to go into this particular field of study.

Please discuss how you feel that you can also positively influence the school community using your own country's traditions and customs. That way you can discuss the possible influence that the society you will be immersing yourself in.

Never, ask the university in a motivational letter about possible employment opportunities. That will raise a red flag and make the reviewer think that you are not serious about your studies and are just planning on using your student visa to get into the country. That last part about the job inquiry is sure to make them disregard your motivational letter and not consider your application at all.

There are too many grammatical errors in this essay to point out. I will not delve into those at the moment because the lack of proper content (introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion) needs to be concentrated on first. After the content is fixed and finalized, then we can start working on cleaning up the grammatical errors of the final version. Good luck with the revision :-)