Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^^ you do know it is almost impossible for teachers to get fired :P


^^ yup. maybe use this:
I'll never forget the next day when I showed her the opposition of what she had said the day before, her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource. She only read information from MBC or it had to be from a government website. In addition, for three days we held a classroom debate, where the class was separated between democrats and republicans. I was on the democratic side with two other classmates; my history teacher sat across from me with the republicans. If I had mistaken her as biased before, it was definitely clear now

and then after then use this as an example to talk about u and how ur character managed to tackle this :D

good luck!

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

right, but i thought that ple from argentina and columbia were considered whitee >.<

yeaaa i completely understand that race is like black and white and then ethnicity is like: hispanic, african american, greek, korean...

of course, not all hispanics are like black and not all are white. i ttly understand this. i remember in my spanish class my friends and i discussed this...

its all so confusingg lol

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^^ omg ur so write!! i bet my hispanic friends (the mexican ones and puertiricans) would be so shocked to hear their rly "black" (race wise i mean) lol. :p

Undergraduate / An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions. [4]

:D their like in cahoots :P

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

WOW! how do u guys know all of this stuff.
i go to a pretty actually VERY good school in new york (specialized school) and they dont tell us these things.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

^^ yup and think "does this suck? or does it suck not so much?"

trust me, whenever i do that, i find that my stuff usu. isnt too great.
LOTSS OF REWRITES overhear >.<

anyways, dump the 1st paragraph. esp b.c. i disagree. ple will remember what closes u where.
im sorry but its true. they will remember ur personality and clothes and car. i do pageants and i usu. can remember the dresses girls wore from like 2000. but i can also remember the girls that had nasty attitudes as well. its just human nature!

also, you need to tell more about how those attributes will help u in the BU community. i read somewhere that if a college asks u that question specifically, the essay should be about 1/3 of that.

im guessing once u condense ur sentences and take out that 1st paragraph, ull be all set.

GOOD LUCK! :D

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


^^ dude maybe she had to do it for like school!

is that the case? i mean maybe u should clarify this in your story though. it is a bit controversial. ple reading would say "if u thought they were hopeless, whyd u do it"

i actually did say that now that i think of it...lol.

i still like ur essay though!

Undergraduate / 'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY [11]

why dont u take out that whole 2nd sentence i think it is? about ur parents and stuff. if u need to edit, id say edit that part out.

i see what ur trying to do, but i read somewhere that the essay cant hurt u so badly if ur already good enuff for the school anyways. ur scores seem like ur gonna get in.

but the essay will help ple get in, if there on the edge. i dont think ull be on the edge. i know ur trying to guarantee urself in, but i do think that you should take that part in. theyll know ur a legacy from ur app.

to delete words, delete that part :D

I am not a fan of Latin mottos, but I do believe mottos can provide guidance for our lives.
^^ maybe this part too.


^^ yea!

good luck man!

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^^ word xD
then admission people will say "rejecteddddd" :P

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

well, one key thing about these essays is that although the prompt says "someone that influences you" they really dont care to know about the person and they still want to know about you.

i do not feel as if you have told enough about yourself. maybe, for example, if you can expand on the baseball thing. talk about how terrible you were and how your dad helped you. make sure you manage to focus on YOU.

i feel as if by the end of these essays, colleges want to find out something about you. i dont feel as if youve done that. uve just told us a lot about your dad only. DONT FALL FOR THE TRICK!

good luck!

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

the thing i wanted to bring to ur attention is the belt thing. it may not be wise for u to mention it as a way that ur dad has made u a better person b.c. i think its like debated that getting a "beaten" doesnt rly help children learn. its a one time thing. what helps them more is taking things away. ]

so you may wanna take that part out of ur essay. just a suggestion :)

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

yea, i considered taking it off my list.
i just have all the other essays done. and there like perfect in my opinion and in my teachers opinion (well not perfect, but in my voice, and i cant post it here b.c. its on another site)

so it would have been a waste to do it all.

i will keep perfecting this and just hope for the best. :(

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

i mean yeaa, okayy how can i say this without being offensiveee....
okay i go to school with like 62% azns so here goes lol

well i know that chinese have that whole yellow thing going so i thought they were like white. simple as that. butt that makes sense. theyre not as white as such so yeaa. ttly makes sense how u put it.

the whole race/nationality thing sucks. it rly does.
its like, noone is really biracial. everyone is really biethnic. (unless ur mulatto) O WELLS

and yes. uchicago essay :P

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

I KNOWW!!! this essay has been kicking my ass!! its soo hardd to writeee >.<
i hate ittttt :(

sighh. i cant find inspiration from anywhere. ive tried everythinggg. like walking away for days and coming back. its only like 2 paragraphs too and its still hardd

idk waht to doooo -.-


i meant to write culture shows. not talent shows

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

-liebe
okay, and i guess i still am closed minded. i thought even the chinese were "white" i didnt know they were considered black. i mean obviously indians are "black" but wow. thanks for teaching me!

next:

i am learning that more and more, diverse is a broad word (i think you actually told me htat in one of my essays you tore apart)

but anyways...

apart from my LIFE LESSONS and onto my ESSAY lol

so i combined the ideas of you and sean. with the revisions you made, i was able to stay within the word count, while adding in one of the questions i asked.

i think ive made a pretty decent short answer essay. (its probably because ive had so much time away from essay writingg, so now i can get back to this again grrr lol)

butt yea it was hard to say what i learnd from their responses i must admit so i just sorta left it at the question. >.<

thanks a lot!! i noticed i had lots of unnessesary s*it in there lol

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me,(this 2nd part of this sentence is a dependent clause, therefore you use a comma) faces lined and scarred.

My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting to make a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with to? (i think this word is right) this assortment of foods.

When the serving shift had started I was filled with nothing but apprehension. Interaction with the homeless was unavoidable.
Some asked for more broccolis , less chicken, and more salad etc .(using etc. in a formal essay, isnt that great). One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek fan (dont use the passive voice). In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences (what does this even mean? lol i think you should say this better is what im trying to say).

(...) or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood.Encouraging my differences is my goal at the University of Michigan. (you sorta alreaDY Said this in the 1st sentence >.< so you may want to end with something different. some 'food for thought' lol)

i like the essay overall though. good to see your transition. i would have never thought to write about this topic either.

good luck!

AHH!! the poster b4 me, did paraphrase that sentence. use that!!!

Essays / 'How you can achieve this or that..' - How to answer such essay prompts? [8]

But the problem is how do I say that UPenn business program can help me do this? I mean there are several other universities that have business, why ONLY this university? That's where I need help. Any general strong statements that are impressive?

^^^^ well, youve gotta do research.
like i know it seems like noone does it, because i actually didnt believe it either, but it actually does help.
you can go on their website and look at other things besides business you may be interested in. hint hint, if they have like, the number one debate team, you can say something like "i have an interest in debate, and upenns great debate team will allow me to 'explore' this interest more since it is the number one debate team in the country"

andd you can also take the prompt and copy and paste THE ENTIRE THING into google. see what past ple have written. this helps me A LOT. it shows me the caliber of writing and if im there yet. dont plagerize of course b.c. who does that, but it hlps you to see what the essay should look like u know?

just some ideas :)
remember, their site is there for a reason! go to it!:D

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

LMAOO :D

okayyy, fineee, i give in. ur older, wiser, and such lol.
so yea, find a better one and say "miss judy made me love..."
that would work.
i just get so attached to certain things that i write or that others write that i find it hard when i or he/she has to remove it. its a real problem of mine :(

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

dont worry about length so much.
on another forum i read that university of chicago, doesnt care! one person even wrote me back and said there essay was 5-6 pages long adn that was what the university of chi... likes.

but what i heard the most is that one should aim for about 2 pages.

i like ur essay btw. it was VERY good. almost scary b.c. it was so good. stuff ive read in my 50 essays book by published authors lol.

Undergraduate / A handwritten letter describing my family and educational ambitions - admission [11]

seems prettty straight forward
my suggestion, turn it around to be COMPLETELY about you without sounding concieted. like the whole family part. dedicate a paragraph, if that, to them, and then tie it into something about you. always make it about you lol.

educational ambitions. what do you want to be, and maybe how that cmae about im guessing.

yea, now that im writing this out, this is pretty ridiculo.
any suggestions from other members??

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

i have to cut it down to 2 paragraphs,so please help with that and the flow please.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

ahhh, okay.
i see.
im thinking i should maybee sorta tweak or redo what i wrote then.
dammit.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

i dont understand why u ever took out the part about ms. judy teaching you to love punching in numbers.
liebe is a GREAT contributer to the forum, yes. but, i do think it was great in your essay.
YES i am a girl :D and yes i did love it. <33 <--- like that. because i like how it came together. i really did.

i do not think you should take out the analogy, just tighten it up a bit maybe? if thats the right way to put it. your just really making urself stand out b.c. ur showing that while most ple prolly go to these schools for science and stuff, your interest is ballet. its AWESOME.

please, put it back in.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

hey!!
do u think its okay to write about present in this?
do u HAVE to write about ur future? i mean, they already knoww (for me) you want to be a doctor. why must i write about that.

but by present, i dont mean all my achievments either. i meant something like telling something interesting about my yoiung life lol

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

now, i dont know where to start.
its been 3 days.
writer block?
can anyone give me some suggestions? im not dare asking that you write the essay, just some suggestions on starting. and please dont say "weve already given u" b.c. those only applied to the obviously bad essay i already wrote.

i mean suggestions on how to start.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

okay, okay.
since, its an obvious agreement, i will scratch this essay, start anew.
thanks, b4 i utterly embarassed myself.

Undergraduate / "My dream" essay (a medical profession) [7]

yea i agree with sean and simone on this one.
ur essay is VERY strong.

good job!! after you do the whole dream thing and take it away, i think youll be all set :)

good luck!!

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

i didnt read the 2nd essay, because i truly liked the 1st essay already.
i did however understand the points liebe made and think you should take them into consideration.

HOWEVER, there was a part where liebe didnt comment, and THAT is what i feel what the strongest part of your essay. i FELT your growth around that part. (give or take some parts she commented on before and after as well, if you read ull see)

i feel you should take ur first essy and roll with that.

i recently did the same thing. i hated an essay i wrote, and then i showed it to some people. i rewrote an entirely new essay as a response b.c. i started to HATE the first one. then i realized, the 2nd one sucked. (not that this is your case, i didnt even read ur 2nd one) butt i just tweaked my 1st one, and now the ple i show it to feel that its GREAT. they feel that its completely me, its my voice and it comes from the heart. great topic and everything.

the point is, just take liebes comments, role with them, take the middle part that shows ur growth and build on that. dont use the 2nd one though. usu. the 1st "reaction" is always the most sincere ;)

besides, maybe the 2nd will come in handy for somehting else. short answers for instance :D

good luck!

Undergraduate / 'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY [9]

O! and lyndavan!!
i meant to tell you, i liked your openingg. :) i used it :p
thanks again everyone for suggestions!!

Undergraduate / Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay. [11]

i noticed that some of your sentences, well, a LOT at a time, are short sentences. when reading it sorta messes up the flow (for me at least) and i dont like it.

you may want to consider fixing it.

considering what you named your thread, im guessing you did it out of fear of having too many runons, but i really think you should either add to the sentences or combine them.

heres the sentences (one paragrah)

During my freshman year of high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went through "thick and thin" literally. I had difficult challenges with my peers, school work, and family relations. I had put my illness above everybody and everything. I continuously fought for my life. I gained back all my strength, and then some, by the beginning of my junior year.

AND: (next paragraph)
I have been at my current job for two and half years. I had started out as a bus-girl.

it just really bothered me because the flow was really nice and then these sentences REALLY disrupted it.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

LMAOOOO
yesss. yes, u are correct actually. the hospital is there for that. ><

okay here goes nada!

In my near future I'm hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people stay a little younger with botox, and giving hope to the disfigured. But before taking such a giant leap I must first take small steps toward reaching my goal, something I can do at University of Chicago. Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

...

Undergraduate / 'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY [9]

o okay. yeaa, i thought it seemed a little awkward too to be honest. i kept playing with it but then i just left space for it on the paper.

i think ill keep trying some things, maybe start off with the setback part or somethingg. idk. i mean i guess the reaader will know a setback is something that delays progress right?

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

true, i probably shouldnt put the baby steps thing in there so i agree with that.

as far as the hospital, im SURE theyd let us intern there. whats the point of it being there anyways? but i will recheck. i thought thats what i read, but i will reread b.c. now im a bit nervous lol.

diversity, i meant as far as the people, and nationalities. not really the nerd part. any suggestions on how i can clarify that?

i will rewrite and post in like 2 days.

thanks!

Undergraduate / 'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY [9]

lyndavan, thank you VERY much.
this is what ive been waiting for lol. those final comments on my last editing lol.

i really appreciate it!! and yea i see what u mean about the question thing!!
i dont think i will have to post again. im all set now.
GRACIAS!!

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

treehugger77:
Parties surrounded by our friends and families often in awe of the transition we've have made from childhood to a young woman.

Mustafa commented on this sentence as well. The parties aren't surrounded by your friends and families. The parties aren't in awe either. You don't transition from childhood to a young woman either. You could transition from childhood to adulthood or from a child to a young woman. See the difference here? I won't rewrite these sentences because I think that you have the ability to do that on your own. Sometimes we become some familiar with our own writing that we don't see how things read to others.

im not sure how to quote ple on this site yet, but this is what i meant when i said some sentences are ambiguous.
im sorry for not being specific. :(

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

On March 18th, 2007, my best friend, Tyler Goldberg, crashed his jet ski into the dock at Markham Park. Tyler was airlifted to Ryder Trauma Center in Miami in critical condition with life-threatening injuries to his chest and neck.

Day after day I prayed, pacing the waiting room and halls at Ryder, hanging onto whatever glimmer of hope existed for his recovery. For thirteen agonizing days every time a tube was passed or a test was run, desperately I hung onto the belief he was improving.

...

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

i have no feedback, because i feel its great the way it is.
to change much of it, is to take out your voice.
i did however see one part that was ambiguous but the person above me already said it.

this is beautiful. i really felt it. any admissions officer would be crazy not to want to get to know you. this goes deep.

I LOVE IT!!

Undergraduate / I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09 - PENN STATE essay [4]

sometimes its hard to understand the critiques of others as a writer, but i agree with what liebe has said.

you have to go into detail. the people who read your paper are NOT going to know that the hard way was working those crappy jobs. theyre just going to say okay and. its going to go right over their heads actually.

i know your trying to think of something to say to prove how much you really like school, but thirst and hunger is a little bit too little for you i believe. get deep man!! think about it this way. your a father. you had to drop out. now you wanna get back in to take care of your daughter and your family. how bad do u want this?!?!? now i know you can come up with something better than that!! let it show.

details, even though the space is limited, are a necessity. thats what makes ur essay not all vague and one big clump of non emotion. i know you want this given your situation, now prove it through your essay!! just listen and give the details where liebe says you should! lol. (liebe has helped me a lot with my essays)

waht you can do, is write the essay (with suggested details), post it on the forum and even if its over the limit, people can critique and then take out some stuff, you can take out some stuff, and then get it to be under the character limit.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

OKAY!!!
i think i may have finally gotten it, or came semi close to it.
its even all i want to say and just reaches the work limit at 242 words lol.

When I was younger, about eight, I had a closed mind. I thought all lighter skinned people were white, and all darker skinned people were black. This "theory" of mine is why I thought my parents were exactly the same. I thought they were both only black (African-American); they had the same dark skin. Later however, my older sister made me see differently.

you guys suggested i start from scratch. well i did!! like you said, i dont/shouldnt need to make controversy. whats the point?

We were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong. She explained to me his parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry which in return makes me half Cuban, half black.

most of you guys like the story so i kept it.

After my sister opened my mind to this idea of ethnicities, I went to school and understood my friends a little bit more. I saw them differently, now knowing they came from diverse backgrounds and different countries. Now open minded, I asked questions about my friends' cultures; they were my teachers. Finally, I saw past just black and white.

someone said i should put a story in there. heres the story. hope its good enuff!

These experiences will allow me to contribute a bi-ethnic individual to the diversity of the University of Michigan. It will be my turn to take on the teacher role, as I will give my knowledge of two different cultures. But I will also still be eager to be a student-learning from new, exciting people.

my ending. i think it connects back to the rest. i mean i think it does happen fast, but its only 250 essay, what do they expect?! lol :P

suggestions? comments? thoughts?