Undergraduate / I'm much younger than everybody in my class; Edison state college adm. essay [4]

Cool. Now write an essay about it. By the way, in your essay, I wouldn't diss edison state because it doesn't answer the question at hand. You want to go to UCF because there are people you can realte to there? Wow, this just shows your lack of tolerance for different people. Your only valid point here is that UCF will further your dreams of becoming a teacher. Expand on that.

Writing Feedback / "It is the artist, not the critic,* who gives society something of lasting value" [3]

What confuses me is why your friend agreed to have YOU post HIS essay. Why could he not do this himself.

Undergraduate / "around my family" - university of central florida essay #2 [5]

This essay is 206 words. Are you sure this is ok?


This is unnecessary. In addition the rest of this sentence is a run on statement.


I don't believe this is necessary either.


What are these dreams you speak of.


You had to learn that everything has a reason from your family? This is quite broad. What made you come to this realization?


I would say that it is Your dream not just a dream. Omit "ever since I can remember"


Not a good ending.

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


But your not saying that you will promote culture. Your comprehesion only shows that you understand and accept culture.

This essay is clear in answering the prompt. However I believe that it lacks some depth.

Undergraduate / "A level-headed individual" - UF Admission Essay. [4]

I feel that this essay is very clear (though not void of grammatical errors).
However, I do not think that you answered this part of the prompt well: "affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community."

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

I'm mistaken then. I think that all "my friend died" "my family friend" suicided" stories never move me, I always end up bored. I guess I'm just a rock. :]

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


It makes your conclusion weak. It's like your saying because your sister got her prayers answered you should too (I know you don't mean it like that but this conclusion has no point)

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


How do you know that there are outgoing students there...This sentence also has grammer issues.


Omit


There are a number of grammer and sentence structure mistakes in this sentence. I'm not remodeling it because I am certainly not suitable for the job.


A little out of the blue.

"After the campus tour, my sister and I decided that this is the school that we want to learn and have fun."
Why are you including your sister...

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay - Travels; I have inherited my mother's wanderlust [4]


Reword


As opposed to outer soul?


What creates wisdom beyond the year?

Undergraduate / My Struggle - My pursuit for happiness (University of Florida) [9]


I'm sorry but I'm forced to believe so since you give me no other reason.

So basically you felt like both places weren't really welcoming to you. I didn't feel like you were going anywhere with your essay. I understand that your strruggle but I don't understand how you finally found happiness.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]


Well said.

Undergraduate / My Struggle - My pursuit for happiness (University of Florida) [9]

I don't understnad what kind of mood your trying to convey in paragraph two.


This is your lesson learned? What? How did you realize that happiness is important?


So how did you "excavate" it? Through taking lots of medicine?

Sp you were sad in China because of school, you were sad in the U.S because you were lonely. You were sad again in China because you forgot Chinese, then you got sad in U.S because you didn't want to come back. Then you were ok with going back to China, and the you were saddened by the prospect of coming back to the U.S. Then you took lots of medication. Then you got happy.

That's what I get from your story.

Undergraduate / Stanford "Intellectually engaging idea" Essay [6]

My teacher said that people who do not take sides belong in hell. At first I did not agree with this statement because I liked to view myself as neutral in all issues like the iraq war and stuff. I believed that taking sides was always for a selfish reason.

After a series of events, I began to question my lack of opinion. These events forced me to recognize myself as a passionatly opinionated person in many large issues. My teacher's quote cured me of the cynasism that came with my neutrality.

That is my essay on this topic in a nutshell. Hope that helps you think about different topics.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]

What? That's your intro? I would talk about the you BEFORE rachel died and THEN talk about how your life got flipped over.


Useless sentence.


were things hard before? Was rachel there to help you?

Maybe what can make your essay better is describing an instance where rachel helped you in an intense situation and not that she's gone you need to deal with such things yourself. I don't know, it's your essay. I seriously do not think you should start with her dying cause honestly you don't give us a reason to care.


Maybe you will. Empty statement nonetheless

Undergraduate / "how the brain and mind function" - Evaluate a significant experience, & impact. [8]

Good essay. You start strongly with that story of your mother's heart murmur. I thought that this was goingn to be another one of those "my mother got cancer and it taught me to be responsible" essays but you take it a level further with the conclusion. Good Job.

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]


I don't understnad what this is doing in your essay because you don't explain it.

Anyway what simone said is more important. Focus on your parents decision to leave Japan. Ask yourself some questions. What are some difficult things your parents faced that most immigrant families did not? What did they leave behind that was dear to them? Maybe a change in ideals was hard? Perhaps your families shift from japanese ideas to american ones was a challenge. Can you think of something that your family might have done in Japan but is looked down on in the U.S? More importantly how did it effect you? I see that the only change in your character is the change from thinking SAT prep is silly-hard working?

Your content will mold your writing style. Make sure you ask yourself what each sentence adds to your essay. What do you want the reader to feel?

Good Luck

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]



I don't get it. What part of simone's comment conveys a lack of life lessons.

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]

Thanks all :]

Writing Feedback / Gay Marriage: Is It Right? [13]

Too bad the way some people live their lives effects and offends others. This is why there must be argument. One cannot just disregard a controversial topic.

Writing Feedback / "hard work leads you to success in your life" - need help in correcting my essay [5]


If you know that you made grammer mistakes why not fix them and then post.

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [11]


You know it haha. :P


^ If this is a short answer it doesn't need to be long but the question seems to be intended for a long essay, I can't tell.

Undergraduate / I want to write an essay for the art institute in Chicago and I really need help [4]

It would help if we could see the prompt.
Otherwise what am I supposed to say.
I think you should start with your aspirations to become an artist and then move on to a complex analysis of Midway's existing games and graphics. For your conclusion I suggest a brief overview regarding the merits of Bioshock.

By the way, I don't think we can help you with writers block. Write down some ideas and examples you want to expand on. Stuff like that. Why do you want to become an artist? What has brought you to this realization? What challenges have you met along the way? How has art changed your perspective or your actions?

good luck

Undergraduate / "Core values" - FSU essay. good? bad? [4]

Assuming that this is a college essay what is the prompt?

Core values have been and important teaching and learning experiences in my life.This sentence has grammer errors.Every person has different morals or standards in which they live their life.UnnecessaryThese morals reflect one's character and their views for the rest of his/her life.Why not just say that they effect your character and your life.The latin words "Vires, Artes, Mores" represent three values that I hold a standard to in my life.Hold a standard to? Awkward.

Vires, defined as three varieties of strength, has been molded into my life since infancy.Since infancy? How so?Moral strength is not something one just obtains. It takes time and personal experiences to truly understand what is right and wrong.Unnecessary I think.Being blessed to have the life I have,I've experienced things that many other students have not,such as traveling to Asia and helping refugees after Hurricane Katrina.Show it if this is your example. Physical and intellectual strength are important aspects in my life. Captaining both basketball and cross country teams, I have plenty of athletic experience. Not only do both teams excel competitively; I have traveled into the regional playoffs in both sports and to state for cross country multiple times, so I know how to deal with pressure physically.This sentence is confusing Doing all this, while maintaining a 3.75 un-weighted GPA shows my intellectual strength. Don't say that.

Artes; To show the beauty in a particular skill.What? Film and music collection have been two hobbies that I have most passion for. Living on the beach, I get to experience an entire different lifestyle.Random much?Filming and documenting these experiences is something I truly love to do.Combine this sentence with your previous sentence.My older brother and I have created about five short films capturing the beach way-of-life. I don't think anyone could ever love music too much.Random again? Two genres that I particularly adore are hip-hop and rock. I find myself obsessing over finding the latest songs and upcoming artists before the rest of the population.So?

Many of the core values that I reflect upon are personified in the three Latin words of FSU guiding philosophy, "Vires, Artes, Mores."Please do not use this conclusion

I really can't say a lot because I do not know the prompt but your writing needs improvement. Organize your ideas. Use one example each for vires, artes and mores maybe? I don't think that your essay is deep enough.

Good luck.

PS. I think this is your prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

If you cannot write about many values just pick one or two.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Thanks but I really don't know how to include the last part of the question into my essay since it seems to me that it is asking for a completely different personal experience than the first part of the question.

Should I scratch it and come up with a new essay topic?

Undergraduate / AUT Physiotherapy essay - need review [11]

Oh in that case disregard my comments haha.

Undergraduate / "Lights, Camera, Action" - edit this admission essay for content, grammar [4]

"I have been acting for my whole life butandrealistically speaking I have only performed for five of those years."
5 years is a lot in my opinion so you don't need "but".

"I feel the blackness of night as though it could happen at any moment of the performance and that embarrassment scares me more than anything in the world."

How do you "feel" the blackness of night? What could happen at any moment? Don't say "more than anything in the world"

"Not ashamed of my weakness..."
What is your weakness? It's not very clear to me.

"I was excited to be interning at ... "
What?

"The ironic part about interning was that while all my friends were making money, I made none. I didn't feel bad. "
Reword.

This essay is a little confusing.

Good luck

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Well this is a revised copy. I think my conclusion is a little off. This is the entire essay prompt: Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

READ BELOW

Undergraduate / AUT Physiotherapy essay - need review [11]

Your first sentence seems a little sudden.
Regarding your second sentence, I would say "sports" are "physical activity".
The questions should go also.
I must admit that your essay didn't really capture me. I don't know what you want me to feel after your story about becoming paralyzed. In terms of the essay, I don't feel there is a beginning ending or climax.

What I do like is the stable writing. Your writing flows well.

Good Luck

Writing Feedback / We are blessed with modern tools; Modern technology [8]

Sorry, but I tend to only look at bad parts of the essay. I think that your idea is fine. Avoid controversial things. I'm not saying your conclusion is bad. I'm just saying that you shouldn't start it with "in conclusion". I don't believe that pornography leads to girls getting pregnant. But you can seriosly just say somethings plainly rather than putting "I think" and stuff like that. "I personally think that it depends on how we use the modern tools." can just be "The effect of modern tools depends on how we use them."

Writing Feedback / We are blessed with modern tools; Modern technology [8]

Well I'd say that you have a bunch of grammer mistakes. I'm not a grammer expert so I don't know the best way you can resolve those. You have a run on sentence. When you make a defining statement "To my mind, modern technology is a bane than a boon." I wouldn't say anything like "I think..." or "Perhaps..." or "In my opinion". Just say it.

"Nevertheless, for every solution technology provides twice as many problems are likely to cause."
twice as many?

"A pupil killed his classmates by his father 's gun simply because he only acted as a clip he saw. Moreover, the average rate of girls who are pregnant is very soon because of sexual images 's influence."

This is very very very extremely controversial. Specific examples would be nice.

I'm no expert but "In conclusion" is my worst nightmare.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Your essay is just one big complaint about a bias teacher. There is nothing in here about you. Is this a college essay? You could submit this as a complaint to the school board to fire her or something.

My advice is, take an example of how your teacher is bias. Tell the story. Show what kind of an impact it had on your thought process/ actions.

Also, you titled this entry "Issue of Importance". I don't see why this issue is important to you through your writing.

Good Luck

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

Also, it seems as thought in this essay you are constantly listening to your father. Your essay really takes away from your sense of individuality.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Haha thanks that does make a lot of sense.

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]

Thanks everyone, I'll focus on fixing it and submit a revised copy.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Thanks everyone, I'll try to fix this up.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

Ok first things first. Your introduction...oh boy. Your dad whipped you with a belt when you were bad? Maybe you should choose a different way to express how unrelenting your dad is because child abuse isn't appealing to admissions unless your going to show how it shaped your life. But the lashing didn't shape your life, your dad did. Your just trying to use irony here.

It doesn't feel good to know you're about to die, or almost. The last step of this long process was the flogging which featured marks instantaneously being made all over my body lash by lash. I often went through this gruesome process with the man who I am now proud to call my father.

Yeah...What's even worse is you called it a "ritual" as in...it ALWAYS HAPPENS. O.O

Let me give you your intro right now in a nutshell. This is what it sounds like to me.
My dad often whipped me when I make mistakes. I thought he was psyco but came to accept that he's an ok whip-weilding crazy man.

I know what your trying to do here. Your trying to say that even though your father is not perfect, he still teachs you life lessons.

tal105 is completely correct, your essay talks only about your dad. I want to see YOUR journey to become what you are today and how your dad helped you along that path.

Right now the only change in you is:
Before I thought my dad beat me without reason.
After I realised that my dad is a good guy.

Maybe you did something terribly wrong when you were little and your dad taught you to bypass your mistakes and become a great person. That's a legit intro.

You only give examples of how your father taught you and not how you reacted!!! How you changed!!!

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Lung cancer - UCF -some obstacle or bump in the road [3]

I feel that the first sentence should be your quote about rainbows and rain. I did not understand this sentence: "Sometimes we only get somewhat through the rainbow before the rain comes."

"Since I can remember as a little boy, I watched everyday as my grandmother and grandfather would smoke cigarettes."
This sentence is a little weird. Just say that you watched your grandparents smoke everyday.

"Between the both of them they smoked more then some 80 plus years."
This sentence is confusing.

"For me the rain came when I was 11 years old."
Just say "The rain came when I was 11 years old"

Your sentence structure is awkward in many parts.

Avoid unnecessary sentences such as "In life everyone will one day have to overcome an obstacle or challenge."

"As once said to me by a great man I call my grandfather " If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain". They have been through so much. I hope the pot of gold is waiting for them."

Why is your last sentence about them?

There is not much in this about you.
How were you affected? You only say that you were "in shock".

Your quote is "if you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain".
Where's the "rainbow" for you?

Overall, too much about your grandparents. Nice quote but it doesn't reall apply well to your essay. Pay attention to sentence structure.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Thanks all for the comments.

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]

Thanks, you just gave me a whole lot more confidence. :]

Undergraduate / personal statement topic (my family, their love and care) [12]

Your essay is plain. There isn't much out of the ordinary. It is true that many people share your experience but you can still make your essay shine. If your experience isn't unique, your writing has to be. I give this advice to a lot of people but you MUST develope a style of writing. Think about your organization. How will you captivate the reader? You should have one focused example to expand upon. And you have one! The fact that your parents left Japan for YOU is huge! Perhaps you should make the difficulty of this feat a lot more apparant in order to show how much your parents care about you.

Most imporatntly, how did you change due to your parents support??? You never change in your essay. Also, mentioning your sister adds nothing to the essay.

Good Luck