Undergraduate / Who has made you who you are today (my uncle) [6]


There is no single event in my life that has made me what I am today but I would say that my best friend has had a major influence in my life. Maybe you should talk about a particular friend who has influenced you.

Undergraduate / "been there for my friends" - Transfer essay [5]

I like this essay. I like how you take the essay in a different direction than I had expected from the introduction. I do not think that you sound like a selfish person at all. You cannot stop yourself from learning from your friends problems. You do not listen to them in order to benefit yourself.

Undergraduate / "decision to change schools" - common app additional info response [3]

This comes out of the blue. Tie it in with the rest of your essay.

You say that you have learned so much from your new school but there are no examples at all. I do not feel that you are a special candidate because of this.

Undergraduate / "the League of Nations after World War 1" -Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [7]


Say this then.

Wait for others to respond before going on with your rewrite.

Writing Feedback / it is important to find out if the decision will be popular with others (IBT) [5]


^Ones success in life depends on the quality of their decisions.



The question is not asking if your decisions should be the same as those of your peers. It is asking if it is important that your peers agree with your decisions.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay - Which topic does my essay suit best? [6]

At an early age, I learned to express myself in a way that was unique to me. At the age of seven, I won a poetry contest. I wouldn't start consecutive sentences with a similar phrase.ItAs written "it" is the poetry contest not your poem.was about how if I could be any animal I would want to be a bird so that I would be able to soar high through the sky with no limitations on where I went.Sounds conversational. Words were always an outlet for me.

My grandfather always encouraged me to write. He was also very talented in that area. We spent a lot of time together. He was a great father-figure to me. I lived with my biological father, but he was always busy working. I hold nothing against him though. He had to provide for our family and I respect him for that.Though my grandfather never saw me, due to the fact that he lost his sight the year before I was born, he always told me that I was beautiful. One day I asked him, "How do you know I'm beautiful if you can't see me?" And his response was "well for one you're a part of my family", and then we laughed. I adored his sense of humor. Perhaps, that's where I got mine from. But, then he explained to me that beauty shines from within.I think that your grandfathers loss of sight should be explained earlier. It sounds like you are putting stuff out there as you go. You don't have to change it though.


Which phrase? The one about beauty shining from within or his joke? It seems like your poem and your love for words doesn't really tie in with the rest of your essay.

You should end on a brighter note. Talk about how you got past your loss. Maybe you can use your poem as a metaphor for your revival. However, if you want this essay to fit the second essay prompt you should just eliminate your grandparents death all together unless their death has shaped your characteristics.

As written your essay would fit the second essay prompt better since you do not tell the reader how you got over your grandparents deaths.

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

Your second paragraph does not seem to have any relation to Vires. Unless you want to show your strength through your courage to be different from others?

Undergraduate / "the League of Nations after World War 1" -Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [7]

I think that stating the difficulty of becoming a moderator is unimportant because your point is not that you persevered but that you learned a lot from the experience.

Undergraduate / UCB Transfer Hopeful [7]

Is there a prompt? Is this an undergrad essay? This essay is quite long. I'm not sure if UCB wants a life story.

Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]

I have always been a fan of this essay. I think in the introduction you should state how Scotts death effected you in such a negative way. That way this sentence:


will make more sense.

Undergraduate / "lust for knowledge" - FSU admissions essay [7]

My lust for knowledge is unquenchable;so much so it has a name, and it is programming.So unquenchable that it has a name? What? I don't understand.

Some may find my choice of words to be bold, but once you know my intentions even those words become too minuscule to describe how I truly feel about what I love. "Vires," and "Artes," is what embodies both the spirit of FSU and myself. My rationality is my strength, and from it I draw my intellect; my ambition and initiative is what put me at the forefront of my field within my own social circles.Huh?

My "Vires" rooted out of my desire, and it drives me to the pursuit of knowledge like programmers to their cubicles.Vires drives programmers into cubicles? Since I was a toddler, adults have asked me one reoccurring question in my life; the question being:"What do you want to be when you grow up?"As a toddler, most kids responses came from figures of respect (firemen,astronauts,etc.), but that was never the case with me. I grew up in a rapidly changing world of technology where even video games were new, but from those games came the seed of my ambition.I think that most people around you grew up in the same environment...From my strength stemmed my "Artes."Artes doesn't stem from strength. Artes is strength. I was not satisfied with the answer people were giving me about computers. This drove me to research and pursue this particular craft. Back then very few people knew what made computers tick, and yet I questioned everything.Not many people know now either. It was not until I entered middle school were any of my concerns put to rest, when a friends parent whose career was in programming enlightened me. I cannot remember that exact day in middle school but that was when my ambiguous hobby turned into my newfound lifestyle.Newfound lifestyle? What? How?

Since then my knowledge has blossomed, but without FSU my lifestyle will never see the fruition of its work.RewordI have had only myself to teach,learn, and practice from.You said you learned from your friends dad.In that there was the philosophies FSU and I share.???I'm positive that your career professionals will answer all my questions and help me further my knowledge into the life I dream one day it will be.Try simplifying your sentences so that they make more sense.

Writing Feedback / 'Everyone was burned to crisp' - "Jacob" - grammar for my Essay? [4]


This part is confusing to me. You should state that Jacob insisted on quitting school first. Otherwise, there is no explaination as to why nana is arguing with him.


I don't really like this...description.

Undergraduate / Major in economics - NYU supplement essay [6]


This question is pure awesome. Wongfu Productions popped up in my mind (they make excellent and emotional short films). You should play around with timeline. Where in your life do you want to start? You could start in your future and flashback to your teenage years. This will hopefully be fun for you. Will there be a profound moral?

Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [26]

thegerman-
Isn't there a forum rule which states that material from other sites should not be copy and pasted onto this one?

Undergraduate / Who has made you who you are today (my uncle) [6]


^This is unnecessary.


^Not necessary


^For some reason I think that this is normal for a gaurdian.

I read the rest of your essay and it doesn't appeal to me. It sounds like your uncles influence on you is average. If this is true, I recommend that you do not write your essay about him. If this is false, you should emphasize your uncles influence on you with something other than empty statements. Almost all of the sentences in your essay are empty.

Undergraduate / "the League of Nations after World War 1" -Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [7]


^Spell out the number four.


Many students dread becoming moderators due to the amount of notes that have to be taken.

Your first paragraph is a little...weird. I am not a big fan of the quote since it has become overused. It isn't really explained in your essay either.


I feel that your hyperbole does nothing to spice up your introduction. After reading the rest of your essay I see what you are trying to do with this. It is interesting.



This sentence is too casual. You leave me confused as to how it turned out to be more rewarding than intended. Is it because you found out that leaders use their power for selfish reasons? Is it because you found out that leaders work hard on domestic and international problems?


You use "unravel" twice. This sentence confuses me.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]

I personally like this essay very much. It is lively, different, and it also answers the prompt well.

However I feel that your first paragraph is a little confusing and...slightly overdoing it. I am a little skeptical of the parallel you try to draw between overcomplecating math and overcomplicating life. That is what your trying to do right? Otherwise this experience has only taught you to look at the whole picture in math.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

If there really isn't anything about the essay that is well written or if there isn't any good points then the writer should really start over.


I knew you would say that ;)


Thank you :D
Although I do have a long way to go. My judgement is flawed a lot of the time. I sometimes go back and read my posts O.o Painful haha.

Undergraduate / help pick my essay topic (applying to art colleges) [10]

Well it is hard for us to make the decision for you if we cannot see the essay. I'm sure that others on this site will try their hardest to give your essay its "punch" haha.

Undergraduate / help pick my essay topic (applying to art colleges) [10]


Why are you unable to make both essays powerful? If this is really your situation, I would write about Israel. If they want you to write about how you hope to contribute to their school and your area of interest they would ask you.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


Ahhh I see. My bad.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

Quite the comparison Noto. All of your points are valid. However we have to remember that although people post their essays up for our critisism, they also secretly want us to point out the quality aspects of their writing as well. There's nothing better than an unbias and random person complementing your writing. No matter how many problems there are, lets boost some self-esteem here while we're at it. It's good for the writer.

Undergraduate / Money or Health [10]


It would help if you provided the prompt for this essay.

Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]

I think that this revision is excellent. However I would like you to include a few sentences that relate to the prompt more.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me.

It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed.redundant

I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?"This is a little arrogant. You may question the organization of the facility but not its employees. Employees are human beings. You cannot assume that they are consciously ignoring your grandfather because they are lazy. They obviously delivered his food.

I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be.I don't understand what you mean by "no matter what their situation may be" but if your employee's child dies in a car crash I wouldn't expect them to be gentle and compassionate the next day. Would you fire them in that case?

I do not sense your compassionate qualities in this essay. I would think that someone who is critical of others should first check themselves. It sounds like you want to be an administrator because you want to hire nice people. I see a problem with this. Also, I see no connection between your introduction and the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Money or Health [10]

Perhaps you could be more helpful by pointing such errors out since the author already acknowledges the presence of these mistakes.


Back in the day people used to trade things. I would say that civilization at that time was already "churned".


It is difficult for me to understand what you are trying to say here.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]


Perhaps I am deprived but potatoes, tuna, and beans sounds delicious as well as nutritious.


Your essay is more than 1400 words long. I am frightened.

You don't have to mention your mother not being there for you separately. You can just simply state that your sister was replacement for your constantly busy mother. You can actually just take out your mother out from this essay.


Again, professor x doesn't help people like a doctor does. If cartoon characters like Jean and Wolverine do not go to doctors for help, especially since Wolverine is basically immortal.

I truely believe that this paragraph is unnecessary because it is just making everything so much more complicated and annoying to read. I told you that as long as you can justify your resolve you become a doctor you do not need to use this.

You can condense this paragraph also. Your experience with your teacher really does nothing to you. The class laughs at you, the teacher doesn't understand you, and you come out of it without any reaction. After the ordeal, you look up types of doctors, which seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph.


This has got to be the longest sentence I have ever seen.

Undergraduate / "I eat fish" common app + uc app essay [8]


^Yes. I feel like this is the main problem in your essay. There is no event that brings you to your realization that your culture is great despite what others may think.


^You try to use this as a transition but it does not explain how you overcame discrimination.

I havn't seen an essay like this in a long time. I read an exellent one about cheese awhile ago...

Anyway, good essay.

Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]


I misspoke. This is exactly the thing that you are missing in your essay. Forgive my confusing attempt at directing you haha...

Writing Feedback / Appearance and society values--An GRE issue [9]


This doesn't really reveal anything about the attitudes and interests of Iranian women.


I am confused by this. What is this supposed to prove?

Undergraduate / Interaction with one another, University of Miami essay [6]

Interaction with one another influences oneself in many ways, though it takes someone special to really alter your judgment. Not to get confused with the average person, this significant person's presence makes you want to do your best. Eric. Two years ago, this name wouldn't have meant anything to me. Yet now it holds true to my spirit. I first met Eric on my first day of work ever, lifeguarding. Being a senior lifeguard holds many responsibilities, and being one of three lifeguards, he always had our best interest. Having more years of experience lifeguarding then me, heEric has been through a lot at relatively such a young age, 26 . I am not surprised of this due to the fact that he's a firefighter in Davie.On the fortunate dayswW hen I have break with him, he usually tells tales ofme about his adventures. Sitting there like a schoolboy listening to his mentor, I watch and learn from his experience. Yet theses stories are not for the faint of heart.

Wait ok I regret that I did not read your essay before trying to fix it because it has more important content errors.


It impacted your life? How? Nothing in your essay shows how this applies to you so Eric's statement should have no profound effect on you whatsoever. I may be wrong. I think I have a different view on this than other forum members. I feel like these deep lessons that you learn have to directly apply to your life in order to be truly influential.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Implementing Liebes suggestions should take more than 6 minutes. Of course you could choose not to take the advice, forcing us to give you the same feedback.

You did not take my feedback into account much either.


This statements leads the reader away from what seems to be your real point.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]


This? I see. It was a little unclear to me.

I think that your essay is quite good actually. I just had some questions.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]


Your essay does not back this.


You mean Italian culture?


And that contributes to the school because?

Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]

You need a complete remodel of your essay to fit yourself into it. Your conclusion is not enough.
The only thing you got out of this was that you discovered hope. This is confusing. What kind of hope did you discover?

"Talk about someone significant to your life."
This essay does nothing to answer the prompt. Your life has not been effected by your grandfather in this essay. A significant person must bring about change or provide guidance. You do not change in this essay. Your actions and thoughts are not guided by your grandfather.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


I would say that the tension continued to develope.


Arrogant. How can you assume this? Even if this was fact why wouldn't they be just as easily be persuaded into the democratic side?


Random conclusion. Debate is not entirely about politics. I am confused. How does learning a lot about republicans from your teacher prompt you to join the debate team?


You need to make it clear to the reader that Obama's economic plan is not to print off more money like your teacher assumes. Maybe CNN is bias on some topics. Why was your teacher wrong?


Your teacher is not bias just because she has her own views in politics. If she sat with your democrats would you say that she is bias?


The transition to this paragraph is extremely confusing to me.


,which is then promptly denied by your teacher as was CNN.

Undergraduate / from africa to usa (how to start my personal statement?) [7]

Really? I'm not going to give you any information about myself or the events in my life but I would like you to help me start my autobiography.

Undergraduate / "moved to Champaign from Nepal" - your decision to apply for transfer [9]


You need to clarify who "we" is before this sentence.

Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]


I feel that you can fix your arrogant tone by telling us what your friend meant to you. Tell us what you thought you would lose if your friend was not going to be okay.

Right now I get the feeling that your friend is an object of your compassion, not a peer. You spend the whole time talking about everything that you did for him. Who is he to deserve your warmth? Treat him like an equal.

You're obviously not going to add info about your friend that is just random.
Saving your friend was like preserving a piece of yourself wasn't it? By developing your friend the reader will know that it is not a rat or a hamster that you are saving.

Undergraduate / "When there's a will, there a way." - Common App Essay [5]


500-600 is good. Anything over that is either a great essay that needs more room or a boring essay that goes on and on. Your length is fine. Do not add things just so that your essay can be longer.

I like the introduction. You got a little arrogant when describing other cars though. Your third paragraph comes abruptly, it is also the least effective as written.

I find that the effect that your project had on you is not very profound. Honors to AP for one class? Like you said, you were already taking 4 AP's. You already had enough determination to take the other 4 AP's. All the project did was add another AP. I do not feel the amount of determination it took for your decision to switch into AP.