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Posts by huynhngocminh99
Name: Minh
Joined: Jun 19, 2016
Last Post: Aug 5, 2016
Threads: 4
Posts: 13  
From: Viet Nam
School: luong the vinh

Displayed posts: 17
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huynhngocminh99   
Aug 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will give an answer on why we are in need of music (historical vs cosmopolitan) [6]

Hi. First of all, thank you for reading my feedback and paying enough attention to correct some mistakes.
As for the 'state' I have to admit that you are right about that. Nobody is infallible and I am constantly trying to improve my english.:)

As for the word 'relevant' or essential. You are the one to understand your essay the most, and decide which is suitable for it. However, let me keep my opinion. Maybe I'll spare it for my own essay.

I am really surprised why you think all of it does not make any sense. I think it is significant to me, at least, as I find it fun to read your essay and to learn from it, and try to help you to the best of my ability. We exchange information and learn from each other, this is the point. After every essay I read and give feedback, I learn a little bit and widen my horizon a little bit. It is worthwhile, its'n it?

Anyway, I will try to improve the way I write feedbacks, maybe I will have to use dictionaries more.
Thanks anyway and let's learn together.
huynhngocminh99   
Aug 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will give an answer on why we are in need of music (historical vs cosmopolitan) [6]

Hi. Here is my opinion
I can see thay you have made an attempt to paraphrase in the introduction, which is a good thing. however, I think traditional music is not the same as historical music. I mean, traditional music seems to convey the characteristics of one country, which is opposite to interational music, while historical music is just about the past. Maybe folk music is a better word. However, it is just my opinion.

longstanding music of a statecountry or region (not every country has a state, you know ;) but they still have their own music)
longstanding music of a state is more relevantessential / necessary than the cosmopolitan music that is played everywhere these days.
because it makes us feel good and is healthyimprove our health
The majority of people (plural N)likeslike music because it provides them the necessary emotion that corresponds with their ow
persons Persons (plural) is a very formal word. We only use it in rather legalistic contexts (according to a dictionary) so the word peoplemight be better.

because of the favourable impact making music had on their brains
hope it helps
huynhngocminh99   
Aug 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The benefit of safety in driving [5]

Hi, here is my feedback.
I notice that you have not written the conclusion yet. Though it maybe short, the conclusion is very important and you should never skip it. Without a conclusion, the teacher may think that you haven't finished your essay and give you bad marks.

Though you have the ideas, you did not make it very clear in your essay. The first and the second paragraph are ok, but the third one seems to be all about the need for a driving licences, not really about safety. Maybe you should express your view in a different way, give more reasons to your argument. Here is my attempt to rewrite a passage of yours.

-safety in driving saves lives. It is true that road accident accounts for one of the main reason for the increasing number of death rates all over the world. In most cases, it is because of the drivers' disregard of driving regulations. If every individual complies with the rules and regulations on driving, for example, never jumps the traffic lights and avoids drinking driving, there will be little possibility of accidents. Even when the accident happens, you can reduce the risk of death and injury significantly by equipping your car with air bags or wearing helmets when riding motorbikes.

About your grammar:
Driving is a beneficial skill to have as an individual.for every individual to have
beatmeet the demand
Hope it helps
Let's learn together;)
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / People face far greater risks in our modern way of life than they did in the past [3]

Hi, here is my opinion
This contributes to putting forward
I suggest you write the reasons in the introduction, it will be clearer and more persuasive than just saying "i will support my opinion"

People are suffering from a great loss caused /which [b]is caused[/b
are died are dying
Has brought back on a greater risk than in the past. However...
By the way, in an essay, to sound more formal you should avoid writing "...". Instead , you can write"ect" or "and so on"

Hope it helps
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The public transportation overflow in modern countries is causing number of negative effects [3]

Hi Adip. Here is my feedback.
It is very sensible of you to have written two paragraphs in the body as there are two questions:1 What problems does this cause ?
2 What do you think are possible solutions
.
Unfortunately, only the second paragraph seems to answer the question (1) directly. The first one is unnecessary as it only describes the situation, and the topic does not require you to do that. Instead, after writing about the problems , you should write another paragraph suggesting possible solutions ( improving infrastructure or encouraging people to take public transport...)

Moreover, you should give 2 or 3 ideas in one paragraph to make your essay more persuasive.
I suggest this outline
Introduction
Para 1problems: reduction in air quality, increase in traffic congestions, noise pollution.
Para 2 potential solutions: government should invest more in infrastructure. Set up campaigns to encourage people to take public transport instead of buying cars.
Conclusion
to sum up is not very formal, i suggest writing in conclusion.
[much public increasing private transportation in modern countries are obtaining having negative impacts on local life quality and the environment, decreasing people's satisfaction in life. Therefore,the government should ....

Hope it helps
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Whether it should be compulsory for high school students to wear uniforms or not - it's the question [5]

Some high schools require all students to wear uniforms. Other high schools permit students to decide what to wear at school. Which of these two school policies do you think is better. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Whether it should be compulsory for high school students to wear uniforms or not has always been a bone of contention. Although freedom in clothing has its own benefits, I believe that obligatory uniform is the better policy, considering the immensely positive effects that it brings to both schools and students.

Many students nowadays prefer freestyle dressing as it creates a comfortable atmosphere, which is beneficial for their performance at school. Clothes are claimed to have a significant impact on people's mood. On wearing one's favorite outfits, that person feels more satisfied with him/herself and gain more self-confidence. Students, for that reason, can perform outstandingly at school thanks to the comfort and self-satisfaction brought on by their own clothes. Also, one's outer appearance can be a source of inspiration for another. Sitting in a classroom full of students wearing colorful outfits of different styles, one can easily get inspired by others and write a better essay or draw a nicer painting. It is true that freedom of choosing what to wear promotes mutual understanding. By judging their classmates through their clothing, one student can get a deeper overview of other's hobbies as well as habits.

Those in favor of uniformity at school state that dressing the same helps eliminate the gap between the rich and the poor, which can potentially reduce several school problems. To illustrate, it helps cover one's background, so there is little discrimination, leading to fewer cases of bullying and intimidation. Another reason is that it improves the school's aesthetic beauty, which tempts more boys and girls to attend the school. Teenagers, especially girls, are extremely concerned about their outer appearance, so stunning uniforms will be taken into serious consideration when it comes to choosing their future high school. Moreover, compulsory uniforms help promote discipline in class. A Special kind of clothing with badges and names contributes to developing a sense of pride and self-consciousness, preventing students from breaking the rules.

In conclusion, freedom in dressing to school has a good impact on students' academic performance and bring them closer together while compulsory uniforms reduce the number of offenses, improve discipline and become an attractive point of the school. Considering the current situation in such developing countries as our own, where class size is large and needs controlments, wearing uniforms is the optimal choice.

*I am preparing for exams and learning hard. I am very thankful for your reading my essay. Please make any correction or recommendation, as am longing for your feedbacks.
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The protection for endangered animal species and your opinions. [7]

hello Giang, here is my feedback.
You used a wide range of vocabulary. However, you made many spelling mistakes, without which your essay could have been much better.
endangerd → endangered
i → I
effots → efforts
contributes → contribute (efforts -plural)
continous → continuous
creats → create
species's → species'
intrisic → intrinsic
constitue → constitute
inhabitats → habitats

ectinction → extinction

preferenc → preference

protectany → protect any

practial → practical
hope it helps
Let's learn together
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / ielts- should we provide children in rural communities with more schools or computers [7]

In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the problem can be solved by providing more schools and teachers, while others think that the problem can be solved by providing computers and Internet access. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

The young in remote areas are facing up to several difficulties in the persuit of knowledge. While many people suggest that building schools and sending teachers to such regions are the best provision to be made to help them, others believe that aiding in technological devices such as computer and internet is the optimal solution. In my opinion, though each idea has its own benefits, the latter seems to be more potential and practicabe.

Establishing more schools and providing qualified teachers obviously have a good impact on improving student's quality in rural areas. This is because good provision of facilities such as laboratories , projectors and high-quality tables and chairs strongly motivates students to dig into the subject at school. By conducting experiments in science subjects as well as watching vivid images and videos, students enhance their knowledge more quickly and develop an interest to the subject. Also, better tutors can set as good examples, encouraging children to study more. To illustrate, frequent interaction with gifted teachers gives the young strong inspiration and excitement, thereby put more effort to studying so as to become as knowledgeable as their tutors. However, a large sum of money must be invested in education for good teachers and materials.

Petrsonal computer and internet access are beneficial for rural student for several reasons. Firstly, it is an immense source of information, far eclipsing textbooks in many aspects, such as new bakthrough in science or recent astronomy discoveries. Secondly, it is an effective way for self-studying. Children who are busy all day helping their parents can still keep learning at night with the companion of a computer.Though not having a chance to carry out experiments, they have a wider selection of videos to watch and can learn at their own pace. Another advantage is that the internet promotes correspontence with talented students all over the world. Students tend to learn from their peers, which means they can improve their academic performance more efficiently by exchanging information with online gifted students. The good point is, all of these benefits can be obtained within a small budget.

In conclusion,while building schools with good lecturers means a source of motivation and good exemplary, more knowledge is available for students on the internet and more academic cooperation with gifted friends are promoted there. Therefore, the best solution to low education standard in rural areas is to equip the young with computers and internet access.
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences [6]

Thank you so much justivy03. Your feedback is a motivation for me to keep writing. I still make a lot of mistakes, but the more I make, the harder I'll ;) If there is any inappropriate vocabulary in my essay, please let me know

I myself on reading my essay again have found several mistakes.
For example, recent chaos in some states of USA causes by insecurities is disturbing both the politic and economic situation
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is the improvement of schools the most important factor in creating a progressed, thriving country? [4]

Hi sinahector, is this an ielts essay? If it is, I think you should write a shorter introduction paragraph. It is recommended that with only 3 sentences your essay will be clear and easy to follow.

In this modern society, people always encounter the dilemma on whether the improvement of schools is the most important factor in creating a progressed and thriving country or not. With regards to this question, diverse responses is given. Personally, I am on the belief that schools are the prime factors in progress of a country.

Also, in an ielts test task 2, you are supposed to write a complete essay in only about 40 mins and more than 250 words. Too many words and many sentenses will take you a lot of time ;) but if you can manage it, I think this is great.

There is no unanimity in society on the controversial issue thatofwhat the most important ...

this sentence is too long. You should devide it into 2 sentences.
To clarify, due to the fact that a major part of schools chores ...

Take my situation at school as an example. I was given a lot of tasks that ...
however, to save words , i think you should writefor example, I was given ...
I was given a lot of tasks that could be done ... this sentence is not necessary.
thanks
hope it helps
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences [6]

More and more measures to improve the security in the urban area have been introduced because of the increased crime. Do the benefits of the measures outweigh the drawbacks?

The authority is increasingly making more enhancements in security system due to the upsurge in the number of offences during recent years . In my opinion, the goodpoints of this approach far eclipse its drawbacks for several reasons

Firstly, this change in policy helps guarantee a secured life, improving life quality. Recent installament of CCTV and increase in patrolmen seem to have a positive effect in reducing crime rate. To illustrate, gangsters and murders that previously constantly posing a threat to many people's life no longer have any chance to commit a crime for fear of being recorded by the camera. Moreover, in case of emergencies, police tend to act more promptly, which saves several lives in gun-fightings. Therefore, people feel safer and have more satisfaction in life.

Another season that makes improving security the optimal solution is that it helps improve many key sectors in one country, especially the economy. This is because a safe living environment attracts a large number long-term residents. This, in the long run , will potentially lead to the establishment and thriving of several companies and corporations, bettering the economy.

However, opponents of this policy claim that it is excessively expensive the government cannot afford and there are other critical issues that are more urgent. This does not stand to reason as security is a long-term investment which is beneficial to bot the government and residents. Moreover,if we do not invest properly in it the consequences may be severe, which would definitely lead to more cost to cover. For example, recent chaos in some states of USA causes by insecurities is disturbing both the politic situation

In conclusion, the complaint about extravagance and uneffectiveness of spending on security system is groundless. For a better future, governments should have no hesitation in enhancing domestic security.
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government spending on the internet - is it the most appropriate use of money? IELTS task 2 [7]

cod3r thank you for your feedback.i really love the way you rewrite my opening paragraph and your creative contributions about uses of the internet. I have to admit that I missed many key sectors such as education, poverty ect. However, as time is limited in an ielts test and my essay is already more than 300words, I wonder if writing another paragraph in the body to mention such things is a good option. If i want to include those things in the third paragraph, how should I add it? Should I write one more sentence like this

Moreover, there are other critical problems in modern society that urgently requires governments to allocate their budget such as increasingly rate of poverty and degrading education quality.

With no supporting ideas, is it ok?

Thank you@ cod3r
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / pursue a career, new experiences, knowledge; attending a college or university can fulfill all of it [4]

Hi Payal ! Is this an ielts essay? If it is,I think the first pagragraph must be an introduction. Though it is no rules, it would be better for you to write 2 or 3 sentences only for a clear introduction (just like the conclusion). Supporting ideas such as statistics should be spared for the body. Here are some contributions:

Whether you want to pursue a career, gain new experiences or widen your horizons,
"Most of the jobs require bachelor's or a Master's degree for a particular job" this sentence is not very clear.
a bachelor's or a Master's degree is becom increasingly important as employers base on it to decide one's salary.
management manager and executive
two-year MBA program
"therefore, the projects and internships are relevant for many jobs" relevant to. However, i think you should use phrases such as important or essential for

i am not sure about have higher edge i have tried to look it up on macmillan dict but there is only the phrase edge higher means (prices) increase. If possible, you should change it. If it really exist, please let me know and give me an example as I am quite fond of it.

Let's learn together.
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Governments spend a lot money on improving Internet access. Why? Is it the most appropriate use? [7]

Hi An. You presented your ideas in a very clearly way. I really like the way you arrange your ideas, it is easy to folIow. You showed a good range of vocabulary. I have seached on the internet for a while about the followings. Hope that it helps :)

I think you should change the most optimal in to the optimal, as optimal itself means "best"
As far as i am concerned, it is better to say: have an enormous impact on citizens' health
If their security systems are strong, governments will be able to guarantee a more secured life to every citizen.
I am strongly convinced that the investment in Internet access is not the most optimal use approach

Coincidently, you and I wrote about the same topic. I am preparing for ielts, too. Hope that we can learn together :)
huynhngocminh99   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government spending on the internet - is it the most appropriate use of money? IELTS task 2 [7]

Topic: in many countries the governments spend a large amount of money on improving internet access, Why and do you think it is the most appropriate use of money?

All around the world, extraordinary sums of money are being spent by several governments in order to obtain high-quality internet access. Although I agree that such spending is beneficial to the residents, I still think that money should be diverted into other fields such as scientific research or infrastructure.

Investing on the internet is important because it helps improve people's satisfaction and promote e-commerce. People, especially the young, are frequent internet users, who will inevitably feel delighted to be able to check e-mails and surf the web at a greater speed, or chat video with their friends without any interruptions. Moreover, better internet access can have a good impact on e-commerce- an integral part of every country's economy. This is because improvements in internet increase the quality and quantity of online-shopping, attracting a considerable number of online customers.

As beneficial as the internet seems to be, there are still other aspects of life that the authority should take into serious consideration. So as to improve people's living standard, problems relating to transportation must be solved. Infrastructural investment, for example, is extremely necessary as it directly affects every individual in society, rather than just one part of it like the internet. Therefore, governments should pay more to build more highways, reduce traffic congestion and road accidents as well as improve public transport system. Spending more on science is worthwhile as it not only widens human's horizon but also leads to the invention of more advances and conveniences in life. Several scientists and researchers with great brains are calling for funding in their projects, in returns they can make significant contributions to society, and it should be the government's responsibility to help them.

In conclusion, although the internet is important, spending on improving transport system and helping carry out research is a more plausible option. By doing this, the government can improve both individual's life quality and the country's future prospect.
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