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Posts by angeli6778
Name: Angela Li
Joined: Sep 10, 2016
Last Post: Dec 30, 2016
Threads: 11
Posts: 35  
From: USA
School: Williamsville East High School

Displayed posts: 46 / page 1 of 2
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angeli6778   
Dec 30, 2016
Undergraduate / Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra [8]

@Holt
I don't think I have time to write a whole new essay as this is due in 2 days, but I think if I remove the references to the intervals my point might become clearer. Could you help me understand how I'm beating around the bush? What I learned from this failure is 1. to not waste the effort I already put in by becoming complacent with myself and 2. introspection is a critical tool in helping me stay on track and constantly improve myself. How could I edit this essay to make those points more obvious?
angeli6778   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Satisfaction in the old lady's face. Essay on a person who has influenced you in a significant way [3]

@ShriZohn
I like this because it's different from the typical essay about a famous person or family member. Great job on writing a convincing piece on how a stranger affected you so strongly. Some suggestions:

"Instead of eating all of chapatti herself," --> instead of eating all of thechapatti
a kind ofAn altruistic motive engendered in my life
Also, "...altruistic motive engendered in my life" sounds awkward, because usually the word "engendered" is used in the context of "[subject] engendered [object]". Instead of engendered, you can use words like "incited", "sparked", etc.

At the end when you talk about your career goals, it's better to name specifically what you're talking about. I kept wondering what your original and new goals were, and I think it would help the reader understand your essay more if they knew just how you changed after this encounter.

The old lady that I happened to come across had not even uttered a word, but she has impacted my life drastically. --> combining these two sentences makes them less choppy.
angeli6778   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra [8]

Please give me brutally honest feedback, grammar and content-wise.
The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

the poetry of orchestra



I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra, from the Italian adjectives in sheet music, to the syntax of pre-concert bustle and antics, to the iambic beats of my heart moments before beginning a performance. Until freshman year, I had been living in the smooth allegro pace of a concerto's first movement. I was chosen for the advanced orchestra in middle school, sat second-in-command of the first violins, and won regional awards. Buoyed by these easy accomplishments, I grew accustomed to the melody of success. However, after I auditioned a solo for an all-state orchestra, a dissonant tritone interval jarred my confidence. I didn't make it; I scored two points below the cut-off. Even more humiliatingly, because of my previously unchallenged path, failure never even crossed my mind.

Yet worst of all was that I had practiced a lot, just not enough. The judges didn't care about all the points I did get, only the two that I didn't. The tritone is just a half-step shy of the melodic perfect fifth, and in missing that small gap between mediocrity and achievement, I had rendered useless all that I did do. This revelation began the adagio of introspection. I thoroughly examined my orchestra experiences and came to the damning realization that my proudest moments and the reasons I loved orchestra all came from being part of a bigger ensemble. From chamber quartets to symphonies with full orchestras, I was piggybacking off of the collective talent of my friends and peers. When my own ability was put to the test, with no one else to rely on for tricky rhythms or to muffle my imperfect pitch, my fraudulence was exposed. Not making all-state was only a minor blow; the true defeat was that I had deceived and failed myself.

To force the spotlight upon my innermost thoughts and examine my own psyche like this was daunting, but it granted me a broader view of my own motives and aspirations. I had lost sight of what it took to attain and keep my spot among other elite musicians, and this piercing self-analysis renewed my mindset and determination.

Months later, auditions for my school's symphonic orchestra were announced. This was the first test of my reformation, and this time, I would not negate the ninety-nine percent of effort I already put in by becoming complacent and leaving the last one percent up to chance. Every extra minute I practiced brought me closer to those two points, to resolving the dissonant chord and achieving a satisfying harmony. At night, my fingers played a phantom melody as I listened to the audition piece, Berlioz's "March to the Scaffold," until I fell asleep (it's really more relaxing than the name suggests). When the audition results were posted, I scanned the list apprehensively, vaguely aware of the other students crowded around me, nervous energy building and inferiority complex already rising up again, and then--!

Catharsis.

Making symphony was like being struck by lightning. It jump-started the energetic presto movement and awakened a hunger for achievement, especially when I found out my score was the highest of the five violinists chosen. I had never known what all-consuming hard work could grant me, and this realization of untapped potential thrilled me.

Like a concerto's theme and variations, the specifics of the all-state audition have faded, but the lyrical refrain of the wisdom I acquired endures in my being like muscle memory. To me, achieving success is not for recognition nor reputation, but something I owe myself. Introspection has become essential for me to critically assess my thought processes and actions with clarity, to block out background noise and elevate my mental focus. I have gained the work ethic and self-confidence to play the cadenza, the virtuosic ending of a solo that cuts through the silence in self-affirmation and anticipation of exponential improvement in the future.
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / UChicago Uncommon Prompt: Find X; the dichotomy between my family's culture and the Western culture [NEW]

Prompt:

Find x.

"Suggested" word limit: 500.

The envelope, with a custom-made stamp and bold printed words, was light. Filled with naive enthusiasm, I ripped it open without hesitation. As I started reading, my smile fell and sluggish despondency settled in. My first rejection letter. The envelope was light, too light; I should have known.

I was eight years old, and the letter was from Mary Pope Osborne, author of the Magic Tree House series. Rather, it was from her publisher, cordially informing me that Mrs. Osborne is too busy to reply to all her fan mail, and sends her best wishes.

When I was penning that letter, I simply wanted to express my endless love for her books. My parents, however, wanted me to also describe how I had moved from China only ten months prior and that her books played a major role in how quickly I was learning English. They said my unique experiences would increase chances of a correspondence, but I sent a typical, unremarkable letter, because through writing, I could pretend to be the quintessential American child, finally free of my furtive embarrassment over my family's immigrant status. This shame was palpably familiar, and manifested itself most clearly in my sweaty back and downcast eyes during every roll call when American tongues tripped inflexibly over my name, Xiaoyu.

x has never been far from me, sitting pretty at the front of my name, but it still took almost ten years for me to truly find. The dichotomy between my family's culture and the Western culture I tried so hard to fit into denies me a firm foothold in either world. I've grown up defined by uncertainty about how I could reconcile my parents' expectations with my "morally-corrupt American-ness" of being bisexual and opinionated (and wanting a dog). I didn't know if the differences between my family and myself were cultural or generational, while an expanding language gap further diminished my ability to express this confusion to my parents.

This muddle of expectations and values made it clear I could not possibly satisfy every component of my life pulling me in all directions. I can't live according to specific, pre-defined structures of any group to which I belong, but according to how I contribute to them. I will not keep quiet about my activism to pacify my parents, but that means I will speak clearly and unequivocally for the good of Asian-Americans and immigrants. I won't suppress my distinctive experiences, because consistently winning class spelling bees thanks to Magic Tree House is a fact to be celebrated. I will live on my own terms, starting with my name. I can honor my heritage in ways other than making people struggle to say my Chinese name, and I use an American name not out of desperation to conform, but as a choice. No longer am I self-conscious during roll call, when every new teacher stops short with brow furrowed, when Xiaoyu is admirably attempted but mangled anyway, and when I raise my hand and firmly claim my space in the world, in command of my names, my viewpoint, my existence. I know myself, I stand amidst identities at a point that is uniquely my own, and I have found my x.
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Transfer:"it's time to continue my undergraduate education at a place that truly suits my interests" [2]

@skazo
"it does not compare well to the rest of NYU" in what way? You should be more specific here.

"and in order be among the best engineering schools, you need to practically implement your knowledge" instead of using an abstract 'you' as the subject, use 'I' to make more of an impact and say how practical research will help you, the writer. Also, instead of talking about the ranking of the school, talk more about how its top-ranked programs can help you. For example: "I would like to attend a more research-oriented engineering school, such as Virginia Tech, where I can practically implement my classroom knowledge etc"

"As a person who wants to pursue a career in the renewable energy sector" instead of saying "As a person who wants...", say directly "I want to pursue a career...". This focuses your writing around you and your goals, and makes more of an impact on the reader.

Keep up the good work!
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / AI and robotics. Common App Transfer Essay- There isn't any research related to my areas of interest [4]

@Anon0
... and we were still behind, we needed to drop one ...

by one point,butand the most frustrating part

just couldn't live with, so we spent

so we spent the next two weeks ensuring that this flaw would never show up again --> how? Either elaborate on what improvements you made, or omit this part completely, because it sounds vague and spawns more questions than it answers.

I don't know much about transferring or CS, so grammar is all I can help with. Keep up the good work!
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / 'There is no point in going to college.' Why UChicago - Purpose of education [3]

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago. (The "suggested" word limit is 250, and I'm around 520, but I have seen accepted applications with essays way over the limit.)

There is no point in going to college.


Okay, that may have been too cavalier a translation of UChicago professor Andrew Abbott's 2002 "Aims of Education" address. Rather, he says that "there are no aims of education. The aim is education." Being educated is not a means to a future end; it will not guarantee a happier, wealthier life. It is for nothing but the present.

At first, I wanted to rebel against this wishy-washy wordplay; of course we must use our education for the future! Then I thought of the hours I spent browsing UChicago's website for Neuroscience research abstracts and UCIHP's pre-health opportunities--hurtling towards medical school before even being admitted to college, just as I've immersed myself in college preparation all throughout high school. Instead of "using" my education, I was hurrying to get through it to reach whatever came next.

Professor Abbott acknowledges that some people can and will go through school "mechanically" and will perhaps become doctors, whose day-to-day work is mostly routine and requires no groundbreaking revelations. So if I can still reach my goal, why even bother with education's mysterious true purpose? I have already woven together my intended path here. The versatile quarter system allows me to double major in Comparative Human Development and Neuroscience, fields that supplement each other in studying human behavior at the molecular and societal levels. I will be constantly drawing upon and fine-tuning knowledge from those courses with year-round treks shadowing Chicagoland physicians and the Biological Sciences Collegiate Division's summer research programs. I will familiarize myself with humanistic aspects of medicine through the Katen Scholars Program's community health outreach and ameliorate the real-world consequences of healthcare inequality with the Urban Health Initiative.

These experiences will be thought-provoking and fulfilling and will bestow upon me critical skills for the future, but I will be doing myself a disservice by seeking them only for the fixed entity of becoming a doctor. The aim of education is indeed not for the future or a career, but for refining myself in each passing moment. I have to rise above the idea of undertaking endeavors only for the sake of deriving some form of tangible advantage from them. Career plans deviate and skills needed in a profession change from what we learn in school; what endures is the flexibility of mind that earns no outside recognition but is invaluable in making me a more well-versed and intellectually dexterous person. Some would call this elevated view enlightenment; at UChicago, I will call it education.

I am still digesting the erudition of this address, but that I must fight to understand it validates Professor Abbott's point. The problem sets, the curriculum, the Core are simply tools. Education cannot be given, it must be discovered. Beyond simply providing the tools, UChicago strives to constantly improve its most intrinsic ethos and inquires deeper to reshape education itself. It lays bare the truth as a challenge to its students: Will you puzzle over why enlightenment slipped by in your complacency, or will you cultivate our resources to command your own revolutions?

And truly, I thought you would never ask.
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / M-U-A-L-L-A If my name were an acronym... [3]

@mualla
This is well-written and informative about who you are as a person. A minor grammar issue is that "Especially in laughing at myself." is a sentence fragment, but you can fix this by adding an 'and' to connect it to the previous sentence, like "I believe in laughter and e specially in laughing at myself."

What's the word count for this? If you still have room, I think telling specific anecdotes with even more details can make a big impact on the reader. However, if the word limit is low, then this essay and format answer the prompt nicely.
angeli6778   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Something you love to do: people-watching [3]

@Holt
How's this revised version? (Context: Yale's residential halls all have a late-night cafe called the buttery that serve only fast food for its students.)

To the untrained eye, it is simply a crowded airport terminal. To me and the rival spy, it is a tense situation of cat and mouse. My eyes narrow imperceptibly, trying to decipher his allegiance through a symbol on his neck pillow.

Outside a grocery store, there is a beggar who would gladly work for his living, but his debilitating anxiety makes it difficult for him to even be in public. Inside, a cashier sneaks glances at her phone, nervously anticipating news of her mother's surgery.

I love people-watching and attaching fanciful explanations to ordinary interactions. This imaginative habit has instilled in me a moral principle of reserving judgment of everyone I encounter until given reason otherwise. Others will be quick to condemn the cashier as unprofessional or the beggar as an entitled bum, but my narrations remind me that everyone has struggles masked from the world. Even if my story of a stranger is hilariously inaccurate, that person still deserves kindness, regardless of circumstance.

Now I'm sitting in the buttery, watching my fellow Yalies swiftly devour every type of fried food imaginable, and I truly cannot judge as I myself polish off my third quesadilla that night.
angeli6778   
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / My birthmark (which I thought was malignant) fueled my scientific curiosity - Common App Essay [8]

@kc1099
Nope, it's good that you have ECs in research to back up your claim, and your essay is a good view into what fueled your interest in the first place.

Also, I don't know if it's the format of this website or something else, but make sure to use 2 dashes for phrases like "humans couldn't fly-- one of my" and "grandma-- my wŕipó in Mandarin-- ", that's the only way it'll show up as a long dash, otherwise it would just be 1 short hyphen.

Everything else looks good. Best of luck to you :)
angeli6778   
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / My birthmark (which I thought was malignant) fueled my scientific curiosity - Common App Essay [8]

@kc1099
Hmm, now that you mention prompt 4, I do feel like this essay focuses more on solving the mystery of your birthmark than your curious trait. However, right now the essay doesn't focus enough on solving the problem to fit prompt 4. Depending on which prompt you decide to answer in the end, the essay could be revised to add focus on that topic. Even for the current prompt, I think you need to elaborate more on your background in research because the prompt does ask for something that is essential to understanding you as a person, so maybe some description on science classes, research opportunities, or more recent examples of curiosity to show that this trait has continued from childhood until now, making you who you are. If you choose to use prompt 4, then you should write more about solving the particular birthmark problem, with a conclusion that solving this problem led to your interest in research/science. Hope this helps :)
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / My birthmark (which I thought was malignant) fueled my scientific curiosity - Common App Essay [8]

@kc1099
I would try keeping the second paragraph's references to science and putting it together with your first "scientific investigation." For example:

Determined to figure out if (...) resorted to experimentation. I had previously tested out my question of human flight when I launch myself from the swing set, broke laws of physics, anatomy, etc. Now, I began my first full-fledged scientific study sitting ...

I think that's a good way to tie in the content of paragraph 2 without taking focus away from your investigation of your mole.
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Something you love to do: people-watching [3]

3. Write about something that you love to do. (200 words)

people-watching



To the untrained eye, it was simply a crowded airport terminal. To me, it was a tense situation of cat and mouse, a test of wills to see whose would snap first. My eyes narrowed imperceptibly as the rival spy shifted in his seat. What was his motive? Was the symbol on his neck pillow a brand logo or a clue to his allegiance?

The boarding call interrupted my thoughts. I watched the nameless stranger tug his suitcase away, leaving behind another unfinished story.

I love people-watching and attaching fanciful explanations to ordinary interactions. Sometimes they're as grandiose as my airport narration. Most times, however, it's something simple and infinitesimal. The cashier checking her phone isn't being unprofessional; she's nervously anticipating news of her mother's surgery. The street corner beggar isn't an entitled bum; he's recovering from debilitating anxiety and it's all he can do to even be in public. This imaginative habit has instilled in me a moral principle of reserving judgment of everyone I encounter until given reason otherwise. It's a good reminder that everyone has a struggle, and even if my story of a stranger is hilariously inaccurate, that person still deserves kindness, regardless of circumstance.
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / My birthmark (which I thought was malignant) fueled my scientific curiosity - Common App Essay [8]

@kc1099
Wow, great essay! Some suggestions:

I think you need a better way to connect the first paragraph with the third. The second paragraph, although well-written and hints at later interest in science and research, disrupts the link between your questions. You could put it later in the paragraph to connect to your other mentions of interest in science.

When you use dashes, such as "humans couldn't fly - one of my", using 2 dashes with no space between the words (like this: "my grandma--waipo in Mandarin--always shrugged off") shows up as a long dash on the Common App and also cuts down on word count, as it recognizes grandma--waipo as one word.

Also, I think you're misusing a lot of the italicizing. All of the italicized phrases could do without; this misuse of a writing mechanic could annoy the admissions officers.

In the last paragraph, you can omit the details about you being obnoxious and overweight. It doesn't add anything to your main point. I understand you want to add such details to make the essay more personal, but you could go with adjectives that show you in a positive light and also relate to your research-oriented personality. For example, "inquisitive" and "intensely curious" both work.

Keep up the great work!
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Having fun with learning something [5]

@Holt
I'm very sorry, I didn't know about the one essay per thread rule. I will definitely post the second essay in a new thread, and here is my revised version of the first at 197 words:

Click goes the key. The control panel lights up in pixelated primary colors, the engine roars, and although it's just a Honda CRV, I feel invincible.

I also feel that this is the best version I have written, but do you feel like I answered the prompt? The prompt, "reflect on a time you felt genuine excitement learning something", is pretty open ended, just asking for reflection. Do you think my essay conveys excitement about my learning process?
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Yale Supplement: Having fun with learning something [5]

Do my essays answer the prompt well? I assumed that most people would write about something academic, so my goal is to stand out with my answers while still showing my personality and valued traits to the admissions officers.

2. Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. (200 words)

Driving improvement



Click goes the key. The control panel lights up in pixelated primary colors, the engine roars, and although it's just a Honda CRV, I feel invincible.

Driving was a multifaceted impetus for growth. When I started learning, there were unexpected obstacles: whether I could reach the pedals (I'm barely five feet tall) and the covert jokes in my driving class about Asian women being bad drivers. However, the scrutiny only made me more determined to succeed and amped up my anticipation for my turn to drive during class. I practiced as often as I could, and soon an innate understanding awakened. It must have been what athletes feel when their corporeal kinesthetic sense aligns with the brain's perception, except a humming motor was my throwing arm and the world was my ballpark.

Driving demands constant improvement, and the learning never stops. Every drive is a new scenario for me to hone my attention to detail and make split-second decisions. Though my destinations are commonplace, it is how I spend the trip that gives driving significance and thrill. Indeed, the journey represents tangential lessons and self-directed discoveries, and one adventure's endpoint is simply a road sign pointing to another escapade.

3. Write about something that you love to do. (200 words)

To the untrained eye, it was simply a crowded airport terminal. To me, it was a tense situation of cat and mouse, a test of wills to see whose would snap first. My eyes narrowed imperceptibly as the rival spy shifted in his seat. What was his motive? Was the symbol on his neck pillow a brand logo or a clue to his allegiance?

The boarding call interrupted my thoughts. I watched the nameless stranger tug his suitcase away, leaving behind another unfinished story.

I love people-watching and attaching fanciful explanations to ordinary interactions. Sometimes they're as grandiose as my airport narration. Most times, however, it's something simple and infinitesimal. The cashier checking her phone isn't being unprofessional; she's nervously anticipating news of her mother's surgery. The street corner beggar isn't an entitled bum; he's recovering from debilitating anxiety and it's all he can do to even be in public. This imaginative habit has instilled in me a moral principle of reserving judgment of everyone I encounter until given reason otherwise. It's a good reminder that everyone has a struggle, and even if my story of a stranger is hilariously inaccurate, that person still deserves kindness, regardless of circumstance.
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Unworthy Champion - the National Competition [4]

"Time's up!"; --> delete the semicolon here.

"Unworthy champion". --> the period goes inside the quotes.

Even if I didn't success --> succeed, not success, is the verb you need here.

I like the narrative beginning because it paints a clear picture of the events occurring. However, I think it got too descriptive, so you should cut down a little bit. Still keep the story-telling style, but get to the point faster. Also, you need to focus more on what you actually did to improve yourself. You have to show them what actions you took to succeed after failing. So, slightly less in the beginning, and more on the conclusion and what you learned from all of this.
angeli6778   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Particular interest in economics and psychology - Cornell Supplement [5]

One day, when I was reading a passage ...
He said: "Successful investing is ... -->These sentences are choppy and don't flow very well. You can combine them so they read more easily, and cut out the exposition the first half the first sentence. For example: "A quote by Keynes, the father of macroeconomics, piqued my interest...". The "one day, when I was reading..." is unnecessary.

... I started to learn about economics: Why do people experience ... --> use a colon after "economics" instead of a period to get rid of the first sentence fragment.

"Social and Personality, " --> the comma goes inside the quotes.
angeli6778   
Dec 15, 2016
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

@Holt
Thank you for all the advice so far. I'm just not sure if I should write a straightforward essay that may get lost in the reader's mind, or add some creativity to "make a mark," as you said. I'm not 100% confident in the rest of my application, especially my extracurriculars, so I feel like writing a more unique essay will make me stand out. Here's my revised version, at 641 words (limit is 650 words):

I am constantly analyzing the complexities and mentalities influencing human behavior. Even when watching TV, I'm subconsciously deciphering the characters' thought processes and corresponding actions. Dissecting these factors gave me the ability to understand and empathize with human behavior, as well as to critically assess and ameliorate my own choices in order to succeed. At the College of Arts and Sciences, I want to pursue both sociology and neuroscience. I want to study mental growth as a consequence of life experiences and explore human nature in the context of our most intrinsic, chromosomal compositions.

Together, neuroscience and sociology form a complete narrative of how human behavior is formed and influenced. In the Neurobiology and Behavior concentration with courses like "Molecular and Genetic Approaches to Neuroscience," I can explore the origin of all thought and behavior. In studying Sociology, I will continue analyzing human behavior on a wider scale and also take into account systematic, policy-based influences. I can study how stratification of opportunity based on race and class affects broad aspects of one's life, such as quality of education, and factors specific to the individual, like innate achievement motivation. How those outside factors change the makeup of our nervous system can be understood through studying synaptic plasticity in "Molecular, Cellular, and Integrative Neurophysiology." Courses like "Gender and the Brain," "Neural Views on Mental Illness", and "Mass Incarceration and Family Life" supplement each other in studying neurological bases and social stigma of psychiatric disorders, and the social and medical consequences of incarcerating the mentally ill.

Many of those courses are crosslisted in other areas such as psychology, gender and sexuality studies, and American studies, demonstrating Cornell's interdepartmental style of learning. I will draw upon elements of many different programs at CAS to weave together a cohesive educational plan. This will challenge me intellectually on a level beyond simply learning the material; I will also envision and create a path for myself instead of relying on a pre-determined structure. I plan on pursuing psychiatry in the future, and a strong biology background interwoven with humanistic understanding will shape me to be more insightful and perceptive as a doctor. Together, my passions are the links between science and humanity, and Cornell is the force that unites them in intricate, overlapping parallels.

This flexibility carries over to research as well. The Undergraduate Office of Biology's independent research option allows me to combine biological research with a topic and professor in any department. I can use biological data to infer about external effects on the human mind and body in a real-world setting, ensuring that my studies and conclusions are not restricted within an academic bubble. Likewise, summer research opportunities lead me from Boston to San Francisco to Cornell's own Weill Medical School. In the Social Dynamics Laboratory, Professor Michael Macy shares my interest in human behavior and interaction. I would like to join this lab's studies with human participants, and discuss with Professor Macy topics that stimulate intellectual inquiry in both of us.

Throughout this journey, I can find support in my friends and peers. The mentorship program MEDSCI and the Biology Service Leaders will provide me with the advice of older students and pre-health resources. I can advocate for social issues by participating in service-learning trips with Alternative Breaks, adding another dimension to my examination of society and human response. In addition to incredible versatility in my course of study to satisfy my curiosity and ambition, I'll also have boundless opportunities to apply classroom knowledge in affecting tangible change.

I want to be a part of ...
angeli6778   
Dec 15, 2016
Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

@Holt
The word limit is 300 words, and I'm at exactly that many. I have included more on the social activities, but I believe it's best if I focus a little more on academics, especially because I plan on double majoring. Here's the revised version:

Northwestern's versatile quarter system allows me to double major in Sociology and Neuroscience, creating the strong scientific background interwoven with humanistic understanding that is essential for me as a future physician. The Biology Allied Field of the Neuroscience major guarantees solid biological knowledge, while the electives allow me to explore nervous system mechanisms and human behavior in ways that reinforce one another.

The Health, Medicine, and Science Sociology concentration provides fresh insight on my intended profession, especially in healthcare politics through courses like "Social and Health Inequalities." I'm also interested in Professor Steven Epstein's work regarding social movements, sexuality, and biomedical research. I will take full advantage of the accessibility of faculty to discuss with him topics that stimulate intellectual inquiry in both of us.

The substantial investment in undergraduate research grants me incredible autonomy. I plan to get involved in a department lab in my first year and apply to the NEURON program in my second year with my mentor. I particularly would like to join the Affective & Clinical Neuroscience Laboratory, whose work on mood disorders relates to my interest in psychiatry.

Beyond academics, I will find boundless rewarding experiences in Northwestern's diverse social outlets. By working for health clinics with New Life Volunteering Society, I can interact with patients, observe the real-world effects of socioeconomic status, and ameliorate the consequences of healthcare inequality. In the LGBT organization Rainbow Alliance, I plan to run for executive board and bring Chicago's urban dimension to our activism. I'm truly grateful for the solidarity in the Wildcat LGBT community, and will contribute my voice and resolve to serving all its members and causes.

Northwestern's cosmopolitan presence and its inner niches represent faith in my potential, and I will fulfill that promise to the school and to myself every moment of the way.
angeli6778   
Dec 14, 2016
Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

@Holt
Thank you for the advice, I was thinking along those same lines. Could you take another look at my revised essay?

Northwestern's versatile quarter system allows me to double major in Sociology and Neuroscience, creating the strong scientific background interwoven with humanistic understanding that is essential for me as a future physician. The Biology Allied Field of the Neuroscience major guarantees a solid biological foundation, while the electives allow me to explore nervous system mechanisms and human behavior in ways that reinforce one another.

The Health, Medicine, and Science Sociology concentration provides fresh insight ...
angeli6778   
Dec 14, 2016
Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

Should I write a short introduction at the beginning? Am I too focused on academics and not enough on why I genuinely like Northwestern?

Prompt: Other parts of your application give us a sense for how you might contribute to Northwestern. But we also want to consider how Northwestern will contribute to your interests and goals. Help us understand what aspects of Northwestern appeal most to you, and how you'll make use of specific resources and opportunities here. (300 words)

Northwestern's versatile quarter system allows me to double major in Sociology and Neuroscience, creating the strong scientific background interwoven with humanistic understanding that is essential for me as a physician. The Biology Allied Field of the Neuroscience major guarantees a solid biological foundation, while the electives allow me to explore both nervous system mechanisms and human behavior in ways that reinforce one another.

The substantial investment in undergraduate research grants me incredible autonomy. I plan to get involved in a department lab in my first year and apply to the NEURON program in my second year with my mentor. I particularly would like to join the Affective & Clinical Neuroscience Laboratory, as their work on mood disorders relates to my interest in psychiatry.

Through Sociology, I can study how stratification of opportunity based on gender and class affects one's life and behavior with field studies right in the Chicago area. The Health, Medicine, and Science concentration provides fresh insight on my intended profession, especially in healthcare politics through courses like "Social and Health Inequalities." I'm also interested in Professor Steven Epstein's work regarding social movements, sexuality, and biomedical research. I will take full advantage of the accessibility of faculty to discuss with him topics that spawn intellectual inquiry in both of us.

Whether it's the unparalleled academic resources, concerts at Pick-Straiger, networking with the Purple Mafia, or simply journaling by the Lakefill, the direction of my future lies here. Beyond just scholastic achievement, Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches culminate in an environment that fosters personal growth and bestows upon me the best of all worlds.
angeli6778   
Dec 14, 2016
Undergraduate / Essay for Undergraduate Admission Application: "A Break Up to Remember" [6]

It was near the end of the year 2014, just a few days before Christmas.
... a response from my then- girlfriend.

The grammar is fine for the rest of the essay. However, you might want to make the connection between the breakup text and the epiphany more clear. At the end, you could round back to the breakup text and attribute your new success to the awakening the text causes. Also, you should always tie your essay topics in with the opportunities offered at the school you're applying to. The essay right now only explains your past and doesn't give the reader a view of how you could productively contribute to the school.
angeli6778   
Dec 14, 2016
Scholarship / "I am a low-income student." - Statement of need for financial assistance [4]

I am the 1st first child to attend the college. Although my parents gave me many much supports , I received a limited financial assistance ...
... loans to pay for my tuitions . Meanwhile, I am working work 19 hours per week ...
However, with the increasing tuitions this year, I am facing more financial challenges on financial need .
... my major courses because these courses they are cores of my ...

Meanwhile, this scholarship will support allow me to do more on community service and ...

If there you still have room to write more, then I would emphasize how receiving this scholarship will help you focus on your studies. For example, you could say that if you have to work less, you could use the time to go to professors for help, or join academic study groups. Be as specific as possible in how the money would be of use to you. Best of luck!
angeli6778   
Dec 11, 2016
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

@Holt: I can see now how the TV shows distract from my answer to the prompt. However, they are important in the point I make about Cornell's interdisciplinary learning, but I have edited my essay to make my interests more prominent. I'm going to add more about how I'll develop my interests at Cornell, through research and other programs, but for right now can you tell me if this new format is more focused?

At the College of Arts and Sciences, I want to pursue both neuroscience and sociology. I am drawn to the complexities and mentalities driving people's actions, and I am constantly analyzing factors influencing human behavior in all that I experience. Even when watching my favorite TV shows, I'm almost instinctively deciphering the characters' thought processes and corresponding actions. For example, in the Japanese volleyball anime Haikyuu, I examined how past defeats and emotional turmoil catalyzed the evolution of the players' training and technique. Likewise, I I revered Jon Stewart's famed skill of exposing hypocrisy on The Daily Show, and dug into his biographies to examine how his success and intelligence came about, how majoring in psychology and a difficult relationship with his father may have sharpened his commentary. Dissecting these factors gave me the ability to understand and empathize with human behavior. I wanted to explore human nature in the context of our most intrinsic, chromosomal compositions. I also wanted to study intellect from outside the brain's gray matter: How did life experiences alter the rationale of our actions?

[...]
angeli6778   
Dec 11, 2016
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

@Holt
Ahh I'm sorry I forgot to include the prompt. Here it is:
Describe two or three of your current intellectual interests and why they are exciting to you. Why will Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences be the right environment in which to pursue your interests? Limit: 650 words

Thanks for the reminder!
angeli6778   
Dec 10, 2016
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

Please tell me if I should be more specific with what each show has taught me. Thanks in advance :)

Haikyuu & The Daily Show with Jon Stewart



What do The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Japanese volleyball anime Haikyuu have in common? Not much, I admit, though from them I have learned my most valued lessons. But it is precisely the unconventionality of this pair that represents my capacity to learn broadly from all that I experience. I will build upon my eclectic approach of pursuing knowledge at the College of Arts and Sciences, where multidisciplinary learning lies at the core of education.

I am drawn to the complexities and mentalities driving people's actions. When I watched Haikyuu, I was analyzing, almost instinctively, how the volleyball players dealt with losses, how past failures guided their approach to training and technique, and how I could assimilate their determination as my own inspiration. Likewise, I revered Jon Stewart's famed skill of exposing hypocrisy, and dug into his biographies to examine how his success and intelligence came about, how majoring in psychology and a difficult relationship with his father may have fueled his commentary. Dissecting these factors gave me the ability to understand and empathize with human behavior. Meanwhile, The Daily Showintroduced me to social issues like global feminism and human rights violations. I began to question the causes of corruption and violence beyond the effects of nurture. I wanted to explore human nature in the context of our most intrinsic, chromosomal compositions. I also wanted to study intellect from outside the brain's gray matter. How did life experiences alter rationale of our actions?

At CAS, I want to pursue both neuroscience and sociology. Together, they form a complete narrative of how human behavior is formed and influenced. In the Neurobiology and Behavior concentration, I can explore the origin of all thought and behavior through Molecular and Genetic Approaches to Neuroscience. The next level consists of the changes our nervous systems undergo as we come into contact with outside factors investigated in the Sociology major, such as discrimination or poverty. Courses like Gender and the Brain, Neural Views on Mental Illness, and Mass Incarceration and Family Life supplement each other in studying psychiatric disorders and the consequences of incarcerating the mentally ill. I plan on pursuing psychiatry in the future, and a strong biology background interwoven with humanistic understanding will shape me to be more insightful and perceptive as a doctor. Together, my passions are the links between science and humanity, and Cornell is the force that unites them in intricate, overlapping parallels.

The fact that all the courses above are crosslisted in other areas such as psychology, gender and sexuality studies, and American studies demonstrates Cornell's interdepartmental style of learning. Just as I acquired elements of two seemingly-divergent TV shows to become who I am today, I will drawn upon elements of many different programs at CAS to weave together a cohesive educational plan. This will challenge me intellectually on a level beyond simply learning the material; I will also envision and create a path for myself instead of relying on a pre-determined structure.

Throughout this journey, I can find support in my professors and fellow students. The mentorship program MEDSCI and the Biology Service Leaders will provide me with the advice of older students and pre-health resources. On the other hand, I can gain experience advocating for social issues by participating in service-learning trips with Alternative Breaks, and serve the Ithaca community with Into the Streets. Not only will I have incredible flexibility in my course of study, I'll also have boundless opportunities to apply classroom knowledge in affecting tangible change.

I want to be a part of a community where education is organic and heterogeneous, where the philosophy of "any person, any study" emanates from all settings, and where "learning unconventionally" becomes simply learning, period. With the immense resources at CAS, I will find many more Haikyuus and Daily Shows to cultivate my passions and lead me to new worlds.
angeli6778   
Dec 10, 2016
Undergraduate / This university has dedicated itself to "nurturing honest, eager, and critical minds" I can offer it [5]

This is a well-written essay and you clearly have done your research, but the tone comes off as a little stiff and even smug in some parts: "My face and name can also be expected to appear...", "I expect to take advantage of...". If that's how you talk, then don't change! It just seems that you're trying too hard to sound intellectual. Also, all the clubs and opportunities you named washed over me, I didn't really sense a very strong connection you had with any of the activities named. Maybe instead of talking about so many, you should focus on a few. Ideally, talk about one in each category, like 1 academic program, 1 community service, 1 research thing, and so on. The goal in talking about Penn specifics is to show them you've done the research and also the meaningful contributions you can make. Quality over quantity.
angeli6778   
Dec 10, 2016
Undergraduate / Aptly described by a friend as "tenacious", my determination and dogged devotion to any task [3]

"tenacious", ---> the comma goes inside the quotes, like "tenacious,"

my determination and, if you will pardon the pun, dogged devotion ---> I liked the pun, but the "if you will pardon the pun" seemed like unneeded throat-clearing. Putting it in italics would make more impact.

Very well-written essay! Just fix up those minor mistakes and you'll be good to go.
angeli6778   
Oct 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement - 1. Why Columbia? 2. Why these majors? [2]

These are my Columbia supplements. For #1, please tell me if I am being specific enough about why I like Columbia. Should I mention fewer Columbia activities in order to go into more detail?

1. Please tell us what you value most about Columbia and why.

Vitality. That's what Columbia means to me: an active connection with the world that aligns unerringly with my curiosities and goals.

With the SURF program, I can continue the genome annotation or cancer drug research I did in high school, or take a new direction and study biological bases behind social behaviors. Here, I can put into practice the inquiry skills I learned in Frontiers of Science. The Charles Drew Society and the Columbia Medical Brigade will familiarize me with challenges faced by minority medical students and patients in countries where healthcare is most needed. I will encounter socioeconomic and cultural influences in healthcare policy and learn of the politics behind medicine, which will shape me into a more compassionate doctor.

I want to explore LGBT in Literature Humanities through Aristophanes's commentary on homosexuality and the role of Sappho's sexuality in her poetry. Another renowned classic, The Columbia Spectator, recently published an article on the inclusivity of Columbia's LGBT scene that resonated deeply with me. My race and affinity for science were always rifts between me and the mostly white and arts-centric Gay-Straight Alliance members. I'm excited to join Columbia Queer Association and Proud Colors, but I also want to start a chapter of oSTEM, a national organization that supports LGBT students in STEM. I want to create this safe space so others won't feel torn between those disparate elements of their identity, and to offer to younger kids hope and confidence that I struggled to find alone.

So, as a message in a bottle to myself, to the best self I can be in these four years and beyond, to the lessons I will embody and redistribute, to the cosmopolitan yet specialized Columbia: I would be honored to cultivate your vitality as my own.

2. For applicants to Columbia College...
One essay at one time please
angeli6778   
Oct 27, 2016
Undergraduate / How to add more about myself in Cornell CAS application essay? [10]

You do a great job explaining your interests in those subjects, but your reason on "why Cornell" is a little weak. Try emphasizing why Cornell is right for you, be more specific and show as much passion as you did when talking about your interests.
angeli6778   
Oct 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Penn allows me to focus on my academic interest in a profound manner. [4]

This was cohesive, specific, and really gets across your passion for education to help your country. The only thing I would change is in the first paragraph when you talk about the "Statute on Freedom of Transit 1921, Convention on Transit Trade of Landlocked States-1965 and Convention on the Law of the Sea 1982." This part is too obscure and technical. I would suggest simplifying this background information into something shorter and more concise. Everything else is strong. Good luck!
angeli6778   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

The second paragraph about MyPiggyBank is a little choppy, I think you can make it flow better by combining some sentences. Also, the one-sentence conclusion is weak. See if you can cut some unnecessary words somewhere to make your conclusion stronger. Also, from your first story, I don't see how your community saw you as "overly ambitious" or "different" for being creative; it rather seemed like they appreciated your effort to create. Try to make the theme more unified, and keep up the good work :)
angeli6778   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / Admissions Essay, "My Fathers Killer" [4]

"until all is left" should be "all that is left"
"my hands played music so beautifully "
"November 12th 2012" should be "On November 12th..." and "Junior year" should be "In junior year..."

This was very well-written! The first few sentences flowed almost like poetry and shows off your skill as a writer. As Holt said, make sure to stick to the prompt and the theme you started in the beginning. Elaborate more, if possible, on how your current activities and extracurriculars relate to this incident, because in your app you really want to create a coherent narrative of yourself as a person. Keep up the good work :)
angeli6778   
Oct 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - critique content/style [3]

Please tell me if these responses give you an idea of who I am as a person, and if they would stand out from other apps.

1. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better.

I'm nocturnal, and I don't wake up gracefully. If our schedules match, I'm sorry you'll have to drag me up, but also congrats on definitely beating me to the shower. Coffee won't help either; I can't handle caffeine--if I need to stay up late to study, green tea after dinner does the trick.

I don't really eat on a normal schedule, so if you never see me eat lunch, rest assured, because another thing you don't see is me covertly consuming my weight in chocolate during class. I can only concentrate when I'm eating. There's something about feeling the solid shape of chocolate giving way to creamy goodness as it melts, and tasting the decadent richness with which I have been blessed--what? I said eating helps me concentrate, I didn't say what I'd be concentrated on.

Evening arrives, and the substantial free food comes out. I've honed my mooching skills into an art. Come on, grab your stuff, we're gonna score big.

It's dark now and our windows are open, and I want to talk, want to trade ideas and let intelligence and incoherence and inquiries flow. I want to know about your major, book recommendations, new food at your favorite bakery. I want to listen to your thoughts, maybe change your mind on something, and perhaps let you change mine.

I'm nocturnal. The only thing better than basking in the night's calm is enjoying it with a friend. I am content in this moment, and I hope you are too.

2. What matters to you, and why?

What do a Japanese volleyball anime and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart have in common? For most people, probably nothing. For me, this unlikely pair holds a world of significance. Yet for everything that I love dearly, part of that love comes from envy. I want to be on the most elite team in the Miyagi Prefecture. I want to be in the writer's room working on an iconic monologue with Jon. Maybe it's the starpower; maybe I'm drawn to fame and want to experience the admiration I hold for others. Or maybe I am drawn to success. More accurately, I am drawn to how others have achieved success. The volleyball team taught me the importance of never wasting a moment of practice, because the regret that comes after defeat tastes like bitter ashes. I internalized the perseverance the volleyball players showed, and it got me through eighth-position passages on the violin that shredded my fingertips and pages of calculus problems solved again and again until I was satisfied that regret would not come. Jon taught me how to articulately make arguments, how to extract humor from somber topics, and how to dissect hypocrisy with the razor-sharp precision that made him the most trusted man in America today.

So, fictional volleyball and political satire matter. Learning unconventionally matters. And knowing that I too can succeed with the unrelenting effort and clarity of mind I have gained from those unconventional sources--that, to me, is what most matters.
angeli6778   
Oct 16, 2016
Undergraduate / The Strong Finish: Common App Additional Information for Baylor. [3]

Since I was in kindergarten, I have attended four ...

My most recent move was from Maryland [...] I moved from Maryland to Arkansas in 30 days

Also, I'm confused about what you mean by that. Do you mean the entire moving process took 30 days, or that you only lived in Maryland for 30 days before moving to Arkansas. A little clarification is needed there.
angeli6778   
Oct 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Working on puzzles had helped me gain focus, determination, and patience. Essay For Common App. [2]

This is a pretty well-written essay! I especially liked the paragraph with "The School of Athens". However, I would try to connect that paragraph more with the one that follows. The transition right now is a little abrupt; I don't get how doing the Athens puzzle 'suddenly' made puzzles your way of dealing with things, so elaborate on the process of finding solace in doing puzzles more.

Some grammar/mechanics mistakes:
As a child, who knew he had the world figured out --> delete the comma between 'child' and 'who'
my Grandpa --> lowercase 'g' here
All puzzles have an algorithm, there is a strategy, a process --> edit the structure of this sentence, either with a semicolon or period after 'algorithm'.
angeli6778   
Sep 18, 2016
Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Short Answers [3]

Please tell me if the first 2 short answers are specific enough and if the 3rd fits the prompt of "intellectual curiosity". Do my answers paint a distinct picture of me as an applicant, or would I fade into the rest of the essays the admissions officers read?

1. Describe which single activity/interest listed above represents your most meaningful commitment and why. (400 characters; FBLA = Future Business Leaders of America, and was already defined as such, so using an acronym is no problem)

Although business isn't for me, FBLA brought new dimensions into my life. It gave me my first leadership opportunity to make independent financial decisions for the club. It was my first experience competing nationally, standing onstage before 12,000 people, accepting my award. I adapted to an administrative role, gained experience and ambition, and met people whose passion inspired my own.

2. What are your career goals and how did you develop them? (400 characters)
Working in a drug research lab by myself and rarely getting new results made me realize I wanted to take a front-lines approach to healing people and seeing their tangible recovery. Personal experience with mental health issues and self-studying AP Psychology were especially formative for my interest in psychiatry and medicine in general. I also read doctors' memoirs for insight on the profession.

3. Tell us about a concept, theory, or subject that has piqued your intellectual curiosity. What steps have you taken or do you want to take to further explore that interest? (200 words)

My interest in American history and politics is fairly recent. As the 2014 Ferguson riots polarized the country, I, childishly cynical and lacking moderation, believed I didn't want to learn the history of "old white men" at all. But as I watched the arguments over Black Lives Matter unfold, I realized cynicism will never lead to progress. Watching articulate debates and contrasting those with other blustering, emotion-heavy arguments taught me that thorough knowledge of the facts is vital in using civil, intelligent conversation to prevent divisiveness. Even though I'd already taken regular US history, I decided to take AP US History and also AP Government and Politics to get the facts before I can productively contribute to the conversation. I highly anticipate taking part in activism in college, especially because all through high school I've been limited by my parents' disapproval. I'm also lucky enough to be able to apply what I learn in class to the 2016 election. Now, for the first time, I feel invested in this country and in my future of working to ensure that the American narrative will never again be told only by, as 14-year-old me put it, "old white men".

4. If you could meet a character from a book or a historical figure, who would it be and what would you ask them? (200 words)
Dear Mr. Harvey Milk,

On my first day of senior year, I was mistaken for a freshman exactly seven times. And yeah, I'm barely 5'0 with a round baby face to match--a special kind of disadvantage. When you're at the intersection of gender, race, and sexuality--and, to be honest, stature--as I am, the world's scrutiny is like a mixed bag of shame. I'm working on it, though, just as the world is steadily working on it too. If you saw how far the gay movement has come since 1978, would you even believe it? Would you tell us to not get complacent and to keep fighting until true equilibrium has been reached? At what milestone would you declare equilibrium achieved? What role would I, small and lacking an air of authority as I am, play in it?

But it doesn't really matter, does it? I'm not in it to make history or leave a legacy. Take some of the gravitas away, and it gets less scary. I stop worrying about how to make myself loom larger to make an impact. You were simply fighting for what is right, as you were, and I'll do it too, as I am.

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