Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

[Moved from]: Motivation Letter for applying Master degree - could everybody give inputs to enhace it?

Hey Parjo, I adjusted the content of your essay to be more closely aligned with a motivational letter. I trust that I covered all of the important information in your original work so you only have to add a paragraph that explains why you decided to seek enrollment at this university in particular. Continue your development of the essay from the last paragraph I have below:

I have been engaged our family business ever since I learned to compute the sales total of our clients on a calculator. My parents have always believed that starting a child young in the family business creates a greater sense of ownership, accomplishment, and a desire to see the business continue to grow over the years. I am the embodiment of that idealogy. That is the reason why I decided to study Business Management in college and also the reason why I feel a sense of duty, obligation, and responsibility to take our family business into the 21st century.

Unfortunately, my parents storefront, located in the Johar Market burned down some time ago. This was when I was awakened to the fact that my parents business, being concentrated more on the local market is what caused our business recovery after the incident to slow down to almost no progression. We needed to find a better market for our sales, a bigger target crowd that would increase our sales. However, without a storefront, I knew it would be difficult. That is when I turned my attention to International Business studies and the possiblity of increasing our market share through non-storefront international sales. I decided that now would be the best time for us to go global. In order to do so, I will need to complete higher studies with an MS in International Business. This is the motivation that pushes me to complete higher studies.

By completing my degree abroad, I will be able to get an actual feel of the international business market and the pulse of trends in our particular line of sales. I will be able to create my international business network through relationships with my classmates as well be able to create an international business strategy for our business.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, if you want to further cut down the essay word count, you can also remove the reference to How you searched other books for the way to help the kids. Instead you can just say:

The answer to my question came one day as I was watching my sisters...

By removing the reference you having to do research, the essay becomes more focused and offers an instant highlight to the method by which you discovered the answer. The attention is immediately called to the solution and as such, makes the reviewer get to the point of your essay earlier than the previous versions. That makes your work better as well. That is my last suggestion for the improvement of your essay. Good luck with your application. Let us know how it goes.

Graduate / My Personal Statement for M.A in Teaching, Learning, and Technology [2]

Kairun, a personal statement should be used to present yourself to the reviewer. Mostly, it should speak of the development of your interest in this field of study. It should not contain references to your educational attainment in college, your work experience, and other profession related information. Those types of data are best suited for a Statement of Purpose. So, when you revise your personal statement, make sure to use the following data from your original work in developing it:

1. References to your dreams of becoming a teacher in high school.
2. Your plans as an educator and educational researcher
3. The reasons why you desire to attend University of Nottingham.
4. Explain why you believe that your course of study cannot be adequately completed in your home country.
5. Present an eager desire to attend the University of Nottingham during the upcoming semester as your concluding statement.

These are the more pertinent information that should be presented in a personal statement. If you are writing a combination personal statement and statement of purpose, you will have to tell me so that I can adjust the advice to cover both bases in the best manner within the essay. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Hi Mualla, the essay is almost ready to go. Please proofread the essay for grammatical errors as there are some issues regarding that at the moment. Here are a few that I noticed:

Par. 2 - In the portion that says "I refused to accept that fate for these students" say instead "I refused to accept that fate for them".

Par. 3 - Replace the word "candle" with "candy". I believe that was just a typographical error on your part because you still said that you gave a chocolate bar to the winner. So obviously you meant "candy" and not "candle". Better yet, say "chocolate bar" instead. That way there is a continuity in the term usage in the paragraph.

- Don't say "compensation" as that implies that you paid them for the work they did. Since they are students whom you were teaching, it would be better to say "rewarded" instead.

Those are the more marked mistakes that I saw. These adjustment should make the essay ready for use unless there are other adjustments you would like to make or try.

Undergraduate / I love making smoothies; they make me happy-Supplements for Yale and Tufts [3]

Mualla, here is the thing, you cannot use the same essay to respond to two different prompts from two different schools. Believe it or not, there are times when the universities double check your essay submissions to make sure that you have written an original essay just your application to their school. So it is always best to develop a specific essay for a specific prompt. Just a word of advice on my part, if you want to proceed with using one essay for two school prompt then that is what should be done.

In order to make this essay work for your two prompts there is still some extra work to be done on your part. Before you submit this essay to either schools, you will need to adjust the content to project the keyword that the prompt gives. So for Yale, it is "love to do" and for Tufts "makes you happy". Remember, what you love to do, "Make smoothies" may not bring you "joy" in life. The two are not necessarily synonymous. While both essays have the same end result, meaning your enjoyment and self-fulfillment in the completion of the activity, you need to change the information from still being academic in nature, to something that gives you that sense on a personal level not related to learning. The response should be something that relates to a method by which you unwind after a hard day at school or just simple relaxing during the weekend. The activity should help you recharge your energies, not make you spend more of it because of academics.

The prompts have another thing in common. They allow the reviewer to get to know the non-academic side of you. How do you have fun? What kind of person are you when you are not studying? Is there a side of you that can help to enhance the campus through extra curricular activities and the like? In other words, what you love to do and what gives you joy, need not always be academic in nature. If you can reflect that side of yourself, we might be better able to develop the response for your in two schools.

I don't advice taking shortcuts in responding to the prompts. I know it can get tedious, but then these essays were meant to test, along with your written skills, your patience as well. The more schools that you apply to, the more original essays you will have to write. That's just how it is.

Writing Feedback / GMAT ESSAY: CITY'S FUNDS FOR SUPPORTING THE ARTS SHOULD BE REALLOCATED TO PUBLIC TELEVISION [2]

Quach, I know that the GMAT essays as scored in increments. However, I would rather just use the baseline scoring system for your work because I am not privy to the other considerations that the professional reviewers have when considering the final essay score. In my honest opinion, I believe that your essay would score with a baseline score of 3 but still lower than a 4. That is because the essay you developed has certain marked flaws that showed a problem in your ability to review the instant information that was delivered to you. What are your major problem points?

For starters, you have to remember to use all of the key points that are delivered for your use in the prompt. In this instance, you were provided with actual figures regarding the attendance at museums and yet, you failed to properly utilize that information in the essay. The constant use of unsubstantiated references in your own discussion, while the references ti support some of your claims existed in the original discussion presentation is one of the weakest points of your analysis.

Due to the weak analysis of the data provided, you were limited in your ability to develop a logical and organized method of presenting your ideas. This led to opinions and analysis that had little value in the overall consideration of your discussion. Adding the problems with sentence structure and variety further lowered the accuracy of your discussion. There were also issues regarding the grammar use in the essay. For example, using the term "living art shows" when you meant "watching art shows" changes the meaning of the sentence and the logic behind your statement.

Scholarship / Energy of knowledge pushes me forward. Why would you be a great participant in Global UGRAD Program? [2]

Khasan, the essay is not really strong enough for consideration as a candidate at this point. It is actually very wordy and long winded but it doesn't offer a proper response to the question of what makes you a great participant the Global UGrad Program. There is no mention of special skills, talents, or traits that would tell the reviewer that you deserve one slot among the thousands of participants in a program that takes in only 250 participants a year. You have to strengthen the application by writing a new essay.

In the new essay, you should concentrate on discussing how you plan to use your current academic background in furthering your academic skills and intellect during your semester abroad. That means that you have to present your strongest points as a student that goes beyond the GPA. Consider the programs and activities that the program provides and explain how you plan to participate in these events, such as community service, in order to broaden your horizons in terms of learning about cultural and racial diversity. As an English student, explain how you plan to develop a research paper based upon a relevant topic while participating in the program. TOEFL is not a good plan for research. That is a test that you have to take and pass in order to study in the U.S. It is not something that directly relates to your major. I would suggest looking into research about the history of Uncle Tom's Cabin and its writer, Harriet Stowe. This is an anti-slavery piece that will help you better understand the cultural diversity that exists in the U.S.

You have to sell yourself in this essay. Sell yourself using skills and a keen interest in learning about the diversity of the world based upon the American society and the culturally diverse members of the program through an active cultural exchange system offered by the program. Perhaps a little research into the background and objectives of the program will help you to better revise your essay.

Scholarship / Study plan for MS in Structural Engineering from Yokohama national University Japan [3]

Muhammad, your essay does not qualify as a study plan. The content of your essay is more of an academic biography rather than a plan of study once you are admitted to Yokohama National University in Japan. While about 85 percent of this essay is not applicable to the requirements and expectations of the prompt, there is a section that you can rehash for use in the more aligned essay that you will be writing.

For your new opening statement use the part of this work that starts with "To dedicate myself ..." That sounds like a pretty good opening statement because it introduces the background of your interest in this particular major. You can follow it up with "Just after the completion of my..." as your second paragraph. For your third paragraph, focus on the course curriculum of the masters course and other internship programs or training facilities that the university offers its students. This is where the study plan comes in.

Explain, in a summary form, what you hope to accomplish while you are a student at Yokohama. Focus on the facilities and academics that the university allows the students access to and explain how your future plans will benefit from exposure to these aspects of higher academic learning. Then delve into a discussion as to why you believe only Yokohama can offer you the kind or learning that you desire to have.

Then, in the conclusion, reiterate your excitement to attend the university and why you are looking forward to completing your studies there. These information will suffice for you to be able to develop a proper study plan.

By the way, my advice has room for adjustment. Kindly provide the full prompt requirement so that I can compare my advice to what the university requires of your written work. I may need to guide you regarding some adjustments if it becomes necessary to do so based upon the additional requirements of the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / I have never thought I would give a torn apart birthday card. [2]

David, I would appreciate it a lot if you can present us with the full prompt requirement as soon as possible. We need that instructions in its entirety so that we can properly asses the content of your essay. Without it, we are unsure as to what aspects to advice you to revise, edit, or remove. I hope you can post it soon. In the meantime, here is a general review of your essay.

The essay is asking you to depict an experience that demonstrates your character. The problem with your essay is that it focuses too much on your mother and her cancer battle. Even your own participation in the story shows the supporting role that you played next to the focal point of your essay, which is your mother, her cancer, and her treatment. Here lies the main problem of your essay.

The focus of the essay should be on how you dealt with the cancer. How the cancer of your mother helped you become an evolved person. Somehow, you should reflect a development or emergence of a side of you, a character trait, that you did not know you had before. Therefore, the revision of the essay should focus on developing your character in relation to the cancer.

I will be able to add more instructions and suggestions for the improvement of the essay as soon as I read the actual prompt requirements. I will acknowledge that there are grammar problems in the essay. Fixing the grammar should come last though. The highest priority at the moment, is making sure that your essay reflects the prompt requirements.

Research Papers / Science fiction presence in our life [2]

Siboney, there are one too many problems with this paper of yours. The format of the paper alone, the compressed words on the screen and lack of paragraph separation is only of the major problems of your paper. Please, do everyone a favor and separate your paragraphs. You know how to do that. It's one topic per paragraph, separated by a space in-between. You have to do that so that the eyes of the reader will be better able to follow the flow of the discussion and also, allow for comprehension of your work to set in before presenting a new but related topic.

With regards to your opening paragraph, we have a numbers of problems to address in order to fix it. First of all, you must always present the thesis or topic for discussion in this portion. It is a violation of academic writing rules to present a quotation immediately in the introductory paragraph. So you will need to restructure your opening statement to better reflect your discussion topic. It should not be located in the second paragraph as you have it now. Once you remove the quote / paraphrase in the paragraph, it will be effective as a thesis statement.

In order to make your discussion clearer, and so that you can avoid repeating yourself and just extending the discussion through quotations and movie references, you should try to outline your discussion topics first. What do I mean by outlining your discussion? You need open a fresh document in word and do the following in this format:

Thesis Statement: Describe what is it that you want to discuss in the essay. This is normally up to five sentences long. It is just a rough discussion of what you want to formally discuss in the essay.

1. Topic 1 discussion title
1.1. Evidence to be presented
1.2 Varying opinions
1.3 Additional discussions

2. Topic 2 discussion title
2.1 evidence
2.2 opinions
2.3 Additional discussions

... and so on and so forth. until you come to your concluding paragraph. A research paper based on this topic should not take more than 8 paragraphs at the most. By outlining your essay discussion first, you will be able to better analyze the true, important information to for your essay. Listing the chronological order of discussion beforehand will help you to avoid redundancies and irrelevant information/discussions. This is the way that research papers are best developed in an academic setting. Outline your thoughts and discussion process and then use it to guide you in the writing of the formal essay paper. You will find that it is easier to write the essay when done this way and also, helps you to keep the focus of the essay while offering the most concise discussion of the topic.

Undergraduate / Family is the most valuable thing in my heart - UT Austin topic A [5]

Hi Antonio. It is always best to focus on only one aspect of the prompt requirement when you write an essay. That is so that you will not only stay within the required word count, but also present a more focused discussion of the prompt. I realize that you may have a number of personal information that you wish to share with the reviewer. However, presenting more than one piece of properly developed information is difficult when you consider that you have to merge or blend the two different topics into one fluid piece of writing. As I previously mentioned, the essay is strong and accomplishes its task even without reference to the academic influence that your sister had on you in great detail. So it would be best for you to omit that part.

You more than highlight her importance in your life and her contributions to your development both as a family member, friend, and student in paragraph 4. At that point, it still blends well with the overall essay. So there is no need for an over extended discussion of that aspect of your relationship with her. That is why I believe that you should just remove the last part of the essay that refers to her academic influence upon you.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, might I suggest a new opening for your essay? I would like to present a balanced image of you as a mentor, student and participant in the program with a personal interest in the outcome of the program. Please consider something along the following lines for your revised first few paragraphs. :

"Do you think you would be up to the challenge?" My team leader asked me while he was handing out our activities for the year.

"It's just seven kids that need help with their Math. I can do it". I responded with the confidence of a person who has spent most of her life enjoying the complexities that come from solving math problems. So off I went to the classroom. Confident that by the end of our first meeting, these students would be just as in love with Math as I was. I was horribly mistaken.

The classroom didn't depict a typical learning environment. As I tried to explain to the students how to properly divide fractions, I had to battle for their attention as some of them decided to chat with one another, others were walking on the tables, and some were dozing off in class. One thing was certain as I looked them over, holding my temper and struggling not to voice out my anger and frustration. These students were hopeless and would out of school youths in no time. I refused to accept that fate for these students, who are the future of my country. As a Big Sister mentor at the Students in Action organization, part of my duty was to make sure that I helped to inspire these "at risk" youths to dream of a better future for themselves. I knew I could inspire them somehow. I just had to figure out how to do it.

Being a student myself, I decided to turn to books written by professionals in order to develop a method of catching the attention of the kids. I was a mentor who cared about their future. I wanted to be sure to prepare them for the high school education and SAT's. However, the books did not seem to hold the answer to my query. Instead, I found the answer in the most unbelievable place, watching my younger siblings learn the alphabet while they played a game ...

This type of presentation should better engage the reviewer when reading your essay. Mine is merely a suggestion as to how you can better develop the first two paragraphs of your work. You can use it as an example of how to revise your work or, you can use what I wrote in your essay. Trust me, I won't mind if you that. I hope my suggestions continue to help you. I look forward to reading your next revision.

Undergraduate / Family is the most valuable thing in my heart - UT Austin topic A [5]

Hi Antonio. You have really developed a very eye opening essay here. The reviewer will find himself immersed in your tale. It helps that you did not mention an age for yourself in regards to when this event happened. Ignorance of your age at the time of the incident will work in your favor because your actions and analysis of the situation at the time will not be called into question. The overall essay relies on the strength of your family unit and the love that your parents had for their children. The story that unfolded showed the unique environment that you were raised in and how your parents use love, more than anything else, to influence the character development and sibling love between the children. Good work. This is an ideal family environment to come from.

The essay weakens a little towards the end though. That is because you suddenly inserted the story about the academic influence your sister had on you. There wasn't enough word count to allow a proper development of that environment towards the end of the essay. So I suggest that you remove that reference instead and just keep the focus of the essay on the personal relationship that you have with your parents and your sister. That is more than strong enough to represent your prompt response.

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Hey Mualla, the essay is developing quite well. I hope you won't mind adding more content to the essay because there are still some aspects that require development or adjustment in order to make the essay even better. While you explained that the students were struggling in math, and you wanted to help them learn to enjoy math just as you do, it is not enough of a reason to say that you had enough reason to truly invest in their learning.

What we need to find is a personal connection between you and the plight of the students. For example, you could explain that when you saw them ignoring you, there was a sense of frustration that began to develop on your part. Then explain that you refused to give up on them because they were "at risk" youth who would most likely drop out of school if they did not get the help they needed academically because they could not see that there were rewards in store for them if they completed their education.

That is how you can make your story about using interactive games to teach them more effective in the narrative. This is the highlight of the story and shows how you indirectly taught the students that with hard work comes positive results (the candy bar). That would show a true investment on your part in the future of the kids you were mentoring.

I'm sorry about having you do these additions but I feel that these are necessary in order to further strengthen the message and concept being delivered by your narrative.

Undergraduate / An accident at school. My role model has always been my mother. [2]

Unibileg, this is one essay that should not be focused on you are the topic of the essay. Your topic should center upon highlighting the positive influence that a person, not necessarily your mother, has had on your life. As long as that person has inspired you to become a better person or do well in life, then that person is influential to you. Not the world, the influence of this person only has to extend to you. Do not exaggerate the prompt.

There are inconsistencies in this essay, such as in paragraph 4. You spoke of your grandmother raising 10 children and then suddenly pivot to speaking about your mother. What happened there? Did you want to talk about your grandmother and then suddenly change your mind to a talk about your mother instead? Either way, the overall topic and presentation of the essay is not what the topic is instructing you to do so you have to start over with a new essay.

Think about a person whose words of wisdom or treatment of you taught you something about becoming a better person. This can also be a person who has a nice attitude or exemplary character traits that you wish you absorb into your own personality. Or even a person whom you met only once, but had such an impact upon your mindset that you decided to change something about yourself because you were inspired by this person to do so.

Basically, the essay needs to focus on a 50/50 or 75/25 ratio of presentation. The larger number would represent how much of the presentation the influential person would occupy and the lower number, would be about the influence upon you in the essay. You are always a part of all the essays that you write for the college app. Your participation in the theme though, depends upon who the prompt wishes to have you discuss..

Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

Mualla, while I understand that the group you belonged to was some sort of Big Sister program, it would be beneficial to the reviewer if you gave a simple background explanation of the group and how you ended up being assigned to teach the kids Math. That is a glaring gap in the essay that actually affects the way that a reviewer would receive or understand your essay. Did you volunteer to teach Math? If so, why? If you were assigned to this task, explain what skill you have that made the powers that be in the organization consider you the perfect person for the Math program with the children.

More importantly, since you were only a tutor for the students, why did you decide to throw yourself totally into their math learning sessions? What is the backstory in that? What motivated you to improve your teaching style when others would not mind if nobody listened to them because this is just a volunteer task anyway?

This is actually one of your better developed essays. The grammar and sentence structure problems are minimal and can actually wait for editing. Concentrate on perfecting the content first, then we can work out the remaining simple problems of your essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hey Parjo. Yes, one of my names is Rose and you call me that if you want to. I don't mind. I am happy that I am able to help you improve your letter with the little help that I can offer in terms of guiding you in the development of the content of your letter. Don't forget, you are the one writing the letter so this is all about your abilities. I am only pointing you in the right direction. It is because you can understand and follow the advice given to you that your letter will continue to improve until you feel ready to submit it.

You can definitely inform me when you post your revised letter. Just start the post with my name at the start of your post so I will know to check your work once you upload it. Remember to post the revised version in this thread because the admit will just merge your new post with this one if you start a new thread for it.

I will be more willing to continue working with you on the content and format of the paper. I often see the new posts or continuing posts of the people I am helping so I will make sure to keep an eye out for your essay. I look forward to reading your letter in a few days. I know it will definitely show marked improvement on your part.

Undergraduate / I am a manifest renaissance man. The long term scholastic and professional ambitions [2]

Numi, since this program concentrates on engineering (bio-engineering?) it would be best if you limit your long term academic and professional goals to only the areas that intertwine with this field of interest. While law may be one of your other academic goals, it is irrelevant to your participation in this program and therefore, should not be included. You should only reveal information related to the specific field of interest that this program supports.

The story of your aunt should be the opening statement of your essay because it is an extremely interesting and revealing hook in terms of gaining the interest of the reader. If you open with that statement, then follow it up with your academic plan before you present your professional goals, that paragraph should work way better than it does now.

When you discuss how your participation in the program will help you, try to be more specific. You are discussing the program in general terms in your essay when you are required to show a sense of familiarity with the program requirements and offerings. Look into more specific aspects of the program that applies to you. Mention how these program activities can specifically help you. Make sure to let the reader know which parts of the program excite you the most because these are the parts where you plan to fully participate in an effort to further increase you abilities and and skills as an Engineer in training. By showing your familiarity with the program offerings, you will let the reader know that you are more than ready to join this program and that you will most likely be a successful participant.

Graduate / "I cried as the sea waves washed away my sand castle. 21 years later, an architect admired the sea!" [7]

Chanchal, it would be best if you tried to tie in your personal interest in architecture with your personal history. Don't start from the age of 10 though. That would not really be the best age to start off a motivational letter. Hold on... Let me start from the beginning. It is important that you know how to adjust the letter because right now, you have an autobiography instead of the makings of a personal motivation letter.

When one speaks of the motivation to do something, such as study an MS in architecture in this case, the reasons for that have to start from within. Normally, it is because you feel like something is lacking in your education. That even with the year long experience you have in the professional world, you know that there is still more for you to learn. So your personal history should reflect the specific interest that you wish to pursue in relation to architecture. What motivated you to become an architect in the first place? Talk about that, then discuss how it relates to your current interests in architecture. Don't overboard the way you are doing now. How can I put it? Okay, try to write the essay this way.

You have 2 pages to complete your essay with right? So that means 2 topics on 2 pages would be 600 words each. So, if you were to use single spacing for the essay, you can dedicate a single page of 600 words per topic. I would not try to blend the personal history with your reason for applying. Write them as 2 separate essays for now. That way, you can offer a complete word count for every topic and fully develop your thoughts. Once you have fully developed both essays. You can begin working on taking various parts and combining them in order to create a new, more inter-related essay that will deliver a personal feel for both the history and the reasons for applying.

As far as I am concerned, you are not at the point where you should be thinking about editing the essay yet. That is because all you have is the first part. It is easier to edit the essay once you have written both parts. We have more room to play around in in terms of merging the two prompt topics. Is there any chance you can complete both essays first and then post them here so that we can have a more solid understanding of what you wish to present in the letter? I believe we can all work best that way.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hi Parjo, let me start by saying that you are selling yourself short by saying that you don't have any professional experience. The fact that you worked in your parents store means that you have work / profession related experience to speak of. So never say tha tyou do not have any work experience because you do.

Let me see if I can help you better sort out how the paragraph topics should go in your letter. Now, you know that this should use a letter format because you have to sign the form at the end of the letter. Therefore, this is not a simple statement essay, but rather a formal document that should properly inform the reader. So the best way to present your motivation would be in this manner:

For the first paragraph, explain the work experience that you had at your parent's store. If your parents assigned you to formal position titles, mention it in the paragraph along with a short description of the work that you did in relation to the title. By the end of this paragraph, you should already be transitioning into the reason for your interest in this field of study.

The second paragraph should contain a direct reference to your motivation to study this course. It would be beneficial if you could mention that the store burned at this point and how this motivated you look into the possibility of not having physical stores for your family business anymore. Don't mention any data specific information because that is not part of the requirements of the essay. Also, just because the data makes mention of certain specifics, that doesn't mean that you qualify under the same criteria. So lessen the chance of comparison by simply not mentioning information not directly related to your personal motivation to pursue the course.

Third paragraph, explain how you have decided that this is an avenue of study that you have chosen to pursue due to what happened to your family and that you have chosen this university to attend.

Fourth paragraph. Inform the reviewer that you are excited to start attending the upcoming semester at the university under the masters course of your choice. Close by reminding the reviewer that your motivation to complete these studies are strong based upon your personal experience.

I hope this clarifies things for you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any other questions. I am looking forward to assisting you further in the development of your paper.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

The vagueness works for the leadership part of the prompt. By showing personal initiative to learn about things of interest to you, you were able to inspire and lead the others to pursue their own ambitions and dreams in terms of learning, discovering. To be more specific, this updated paragraph tends to shed light on your participation in the following prompt requirement:

... evidence of your academic service to advance equitable access to higher education for women, ...

So you have managed, on your own, to eliminate another of the problems that your essays faced in terms of the prompt requirement. With any luck, you will also be able to find a way, whether intentional or not, to respond to the final part of the essay requirements as well. I'll be waiting excitedly to hear the response from the university. Best wishes !

Undergraduate / Rice University - cultural perspective essay [2]

Allana, why are you discussing only food when you should be discussing how you have a unique cultural identity because of your being a Filipino - American? When you are asked to speak of cultural traditions, you must represent the side of your identity that is not well known to the reviewer. Granted that he will be more than familiar with the American culture, values, and traditions so you should focus on the Filipino side of your family culture and traditions. What you are relating is not really a representation of the culture and traditions of that side of your family.

Having some Filipino friends myself, I am fascinated by the respectful culture that the Filipinos seem to have. I never could understand why my friend always placed the back hand of his elders on his forehead when he saw them. I found it strange. Until he explained to me that this was a sign of respect and a request for blessings of the general kind in his life coming from his elders. Apparently Filipinos are big on respect for their elderly. Then there are those terms that he uses on his siblings to signify they were older than him. I can't remember the terms exactly but he said it meant elder brother / sister.

Those are parts of his culture that made him unique in my eyes and also, made him quite popular among our schoolmates and shared friends. It is my belief that these are the kinds of cultural traditions that the essay is asking you to represent. These are the qualities that you can share with the student community which can help it become not only inclusive, but more progressive and evolved as your extended family. These would be the unique contributions that you could make to Rice College.

If you can't think of any cultural traditions to write about, ask your grandmother. I bet she will have boatloads of stories to tell you. My friend told me that he got to know about his Filipino side because of his grandmother. Maybe the same thing will work for you?

Writing Feedback / McDonalds takes part in novel technology. [3]

Nina, you did not write a summary of the article. You wrote an opinion paper. The information for the summary should have included the information that McDonalds will be launching their ordering mobile app in 2017. Making mention of the markets that would be part of the launch should have been a key part of the summary, as well as the recently launched ordering kiosks in their restaurants. Mention of the 500 stores of the 14,000 would have been the best way to conclude the essay because that would inform the reader that they can wait for the technology to become a regular part of their favorite branch's service operations. Overall, this is a very weak and uninformative essay. It does not present any proper information from the original article and as such, doesn't do its job as a summary version of the original work.

Writing Feedback / Article summary : National scene: Vocational students to get skill certificates [2]

Nda, your summary is very good. It offers almost all of the important key points that were discussed in the essay and offered a clear overview of the reason why this development is important to the vocational students. The only critique that I have is that you did not offer examples of the courses or job departments that would benefit from this accelerated certification. As these were mentioned in the closing moments of the original article, it was important for you to have presented that information as well. Your readers would have wanted to know what courses, for example, would be best for them to take in the vocational schools if they wished to find employment based on their trained abilities. That would have increased the length of your essay and made it more adherent to the requirements for this summary test. Save for that lacking information, the essay is an acceptable and informative summary of the original article.

Undergraduate / Frog. Deefrog. Froggy. UVA Essay: Favorite Word (Odd but unique essay) (250 words) [5]

Deepak, I believe that you should write a new conclusion for your essay. A separate paragraph that shows how you are affected by your unique nickname. There are some people who are not receptive to the monikers that they are given by their friends and family. However, you seem to have a different mindset regarding your nickname. So it would be nice to read about how you first reacted to learning about the nickname and why you reacted that way. Basically, the conclusion show how proud you are to wear the nickname and that the name you were given has only helped you develop a unique mindset or how it helped you develop to become the person you are today.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zai, do you have any way of contacting the admissions office of the university? I believe that you should contact them either via phone, email, or social media in order to get clarification regarding that part of the prompt. I agree with you about that portion being more relevant to social sciences. However , no distinction was made in the prompt requirement regarding the applicability of that section. Therefore, we cannot assume that it can be skipped, overlooked, or ignored on your part. Someone from the university should be able to help clarify that point for you. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do that for you because I am not from the university you are applying to. The worst thing you can do at this point is assume what should be in your essay and what part you can ignore. When you feel lost, it is always best to ask questions. Specially when something as pivotal as your admissions essay to your university of choice is on the line. Please let me know what they tell you. I am interested to learn the answer myself.

Undergraduate / Both my parents separated just when I was about 3 months. Surroundings in which you were raised. [3]

Elena, your essay doesn't follow the correct format that you were provided with for this online application. You should be writing no more than 120 top to bottom lines which only have 80 characters per line from the right to the left. Your characters per line, which also includes the spaces between characters is always over 100. In order to properly write this essay, you should use the courier font and set your margins so that you will only be able to type 80 characters per line. Your essay may not be accepted by the online system if you do not follow the correct formatting for the page. So the best way to type your essay would be to set your margins to fit only 80 characters and then count 120 lines throughout your essay discussion.

This format is quite specific and difficult to accomplish. So you have to start working on your revisions as soon as possible. Your character count is currently 3127 with only 25 lines but at over 100 words per line. It is the line character count that is your problem here.

As you can see from the instruction explanation, you have a long way to go in meeting the proper character count and format. I suggest that you make the adjustments to your format before you proceed with revising your content. That is so that you will sure to have only 80 characters per line. It will be easier to meet the 120 line requirement that way.

Writing Feedback / Help Performing Marker's Revisions on Advertisement Analysis Essay [3]

Thomas, I wish you had included a file copy of the advertisement that you are discussing in the essay. That way we could have a clearer point of reference for your discussions in the paper. If there is one thing that I would like to suggest for the improvement of your presentation, it would have to be regarding the demographics of the ad. Who is the ad designed for? If we know the target audience, age range, buying capacity, and other relevant material, or information regarding the target ages and scenarios. Connecting the demographics by making them inclusive to the research statements allows the research to present more accurate information to the reader and properly supports your claims and documentation in the report.

Undergraduate / Anecdote for Essay: ( Which one are you Again?) Memoirs of an Identical Twin [3]

Jasmen, upgrade the school level from second to sometime in high school and the anecdote should be more acceptable to the reviewer. The 2nd grade is not really considered a grade level where such realizations could be had. However, such pranks do happen at those times (I had twin classmates who played that very trick on us all the way to the 12th grade.). It is just the realization of having a shared, instead of individual identity sets in much later in life because at a younger age, you are best friends, playmates, and accomplices in "crime", so to speak. Now, if you want to use this anecdote, I suggest using it as the opening statement so that it becomes the narration that reels in your reviewer to read the rest of the essay. Now, having said that, I would really like to review what you have written in relation to the whole essay you developed. It is important that the anecdote be read in its actual setting so that we can finalize the position and content of the story. Some adjustments might also need to be made in order to make it better suit the overall essay information.

Undergraduate / Frog. Deefrog. Froggy. UVA Essay: Favorite Word (Odd but unique essay) (250 words) [5]

Deepak, you have written a pretty engaging essay. However, you have the paragraphs misplaced. You should open with the description of your character (Hopping around like a frog) and the unique personality that the name symbolizes within you. That way, when you go into the explanation as to why earned the moniker from your friends, it has a more personal connection to you. If you opt to present the statement in my suggested manner, you will not need the hanging paragraph at the start of the essay. It doesn't really help the response to move forward whether in the original form or in my suggested one. It is actually a redundant statement because you already explain the same thing within the other 2 paragraphs, in a more interesting manner. So you can take it out without affecting your actual response. You don't need to meet the maximum word count. Just make sure you are not under the word count in your final version and your statement response will be alright.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, while I understand why your teacher wants you add depth, there is really no reason to add other examples to the essay. The focus of the prompt is on a singular activity and the lessons you learned from it. Therefore, introducing a new activity would introduce a new series of lessons and lengthened your essay unnecessarily. For the depth portion, you can add information as to why you have always wanted to earn money. Maybe you felt your parents weren't giving you enough of an allowance? Or there was an item yo wished to purchase that your parents did not want to buy for you or they encouraged you to buy with money you earned so you would learn the value of money. Either of those reasons would add a more personal angle to the reason behind your joining the fair. If you just remove the reference to being an athlete, but still keep the essence of how you approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee), then the essay will be more informative and reflective in presentation.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

Hi Parjo, a motivational letter should normally fit on a single A4 size paper and be composed of only 4 paragraphs. So you are right about your motivational letter being too long. I hate to say this but in my opinion, neither of the letters that you developed work well for you because the focus of the letters are not correct. Having said that, you do not have to write a totally new letter to create your motivational letter though. You just need to take the relevant parts of each letter, covering the maximum 4 paragraphs, in order to plead your case. So which parts of these letters would I take to create the proper motivational letter for you?

Use the following parts from either letter:
The story of your parent's shop burning down;
Why you believe this course is something you will benefit from based upon that experience;
What skills you have academically and professionally that led you to the conclusion that you will excel in this masters study course;
Why you chose to study at this university.

A motivational letter is your chance to introduce your background to the masters committee. Your letter lacks that personal touch that will show them the motivations behind your actions. So by developing a 3rd letter, within the proper parameters of not having more than 4 paragraphs to explain your cause, your motivational letter will better introduce you to them.

For the motivational part, make sure that you explain the question that you developed after the fire and then pursue the line of explanation as to how the university can, in short form as most of the explanation should be located in your statement of purpose, assist you in pursuing the answer to the research question. Make sure you sound excited about attending the university in order to accomplish this. Show your passion for the subject. Don't sound so academic. There is no need to quote specific information in your letter. Just talk about your interest in the subject from a personal point of view. You are not yet writing your thesis at this point. Just keep it short and personal.

This letter is only a part of your application, it normally accompanies your other application essays and documentation. So the letter should only serve as a summary overview of the documents submitted. Focus on building your image as a successful person in your own right based upon your summarized academic and professional accomplishments.

Undergraduate / "Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets" extracurricular activities essay [6]

Thanks Kevin. I decided to reformat your essay for you in order to make it more interesting to the reader. I will omit presenting portions that are not really necessary to the prompt. Such as the instruction for table no. 4 and the response to the command. That is just a filler, a complete statement will work more to your advantage than trying to reel the reviewer in with a shouting statement. It is shouting because your response ends in an exclamation point. That is never acceptable in a formal essay.

My year long internship at the 5-Star La Pirogue Resort was the most eye opening experience that I have had in my quest for culinary excellence. Working under Executive Chef Murday as part of his Brigade de Cuisine opened my eyes to the joy that comes from working in the culinary world and the exhaustion that also comes with it. This was the year that i gained an insight into the ups and downs of a chef's life, and I still decided that I would continue to pursue my dream.

From the late night preparations to the long hours on my feet as a sous chef, I came to understand the demands that high cuisine cooking places on its practitioners. However, plating that perfect dish being relished by the clients of the restaurant made all of the efforts and lack of rest worth it at the end of the day.

This is exactly 150 words and better represents the work that you did during that time. Please consider it a suggestion for how to improve your essay or, use this as your response instead. I am giving you permission to do so if you wish to do that.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Zai, we still need to have your essay represent the following, final part of the prompt : "evidence of your research focusing on underserved populations or related issues of inequality, or evidence of your leadership among such groups." From the way I read your research work, it definitely does not relate in any way to this portion of the essay discussion. You do serve an example of research that you did. However, it is personal in nature and doesn't really show a progression in your career as a researcher. My suggestion is that you first present the statement that resulted in your thesis paper as an MS student. From there, develop a spin-off question or a new question that still somehow relates to the research that you did as a masters student. The idea being that you will show continuation of the previous research. I am just unsure as to how you will relate that to under served population, inequality, or leadership. However, owing to the story that you shared, I think you should be able to develop a leadership relevant question for your dissertation paper. Do you think there is a way that you can do that? It is important to respond to all of the required elements in the prompt because skipping a question will make it hard for the reviewer to consider your application.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - my pursuit of higher education in environmental science [16]

Thank you for the compliment Zhai. I am glad that I was able to help you understand how best to work the prompt to your benefit. You actually had all of the information required in the essay that you wrote. The problem, is that you did not know how to best present it. Just like the other students responding to application prompts, you tend to over explain yourself in an effort to make yourself more understood. That is one of the problems that I saw with your writing. Then, there is the problem of you not totally understanding some aspects of the prompt as well. Such as the term "higher learning". That was really a difficult one for you to comprehend. So what can I suggest to you so that you can further improve your writing?

You can try to break the prompt down into sections if the instructions come in multiple forms (like this essay). Once you have separated the questions, you can list down what you think the required responses are per question. From this point, analyze your potential responses and delete the weakest information (from your point of view). That should leave you with only the strongest responses to the prompt. After you do this, you can try to write a draft of the essay and then have someone else read your work for you. Make sure that person knows what prompt you are responding to and ask for his comments regarding any potential problems with your response.

If you are not comfortable doing that, you can always come here to EF and post the prompt in the "Essay" section. There are a number of students who come to EF just to post the prompt and request for help as to how they can best respond to it or ask for clarification regarding the information that they should be sure to include in their response. You are welcome to do the same thing and we will be sure to assist you as best as we can. That way, you are sure to draft the essay in the proper manner and hopefully, require lesser revisions to your content and response portions.

Undergraduate / I am quirky myself. Why Tufts? Which aspects prompt your application [2]

Hi Asiye, I hope you won't be offended by what I am about to tell you. There is a portion of your essay that doesn't really belong there because you have not actually had a campus visit to Tufts. I speak of the ceremonies and activities that you just read about in blogs by other students or alumna. You cannot accurately declare that you will fit in at Tufts based upon the experience of other people. If you haven't experienced it, how can you tell that you will have the same experience or memory as the person who actually experienced the event? Do you see the problem there? You cannot base your fitting into the university upon hearsay.

Since the social aspect of fitting into Tufts is really a requirement but a mere option in the prompt, I strongly suggest that you opt to discuss the academic aspect instead because you at least, have access to the course curriculum or an explanation regarding the kind of classes that you will be taking, which would tie in directly with your decision to apply for admission to Tufts.

Keep in mind that you do not need to use all 100 words for this essay. As long as you represent one aspect of the prompt choices in at least 50 words, your statement will be acceptable to the system (if you are applying online) and the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Hopes and Dreams... The fate of my father and countless others in Kathmandu [3]

Gyanas, you are aiming too high with your prompt. You are dealing with a problem that is not resolvable on an individual or personal level. That is why your response to the solution part is so generic and lacking in direction that it affected your overall essay. While I understand how you wish to impress the reviewer by choosing such a large problem, which has a personal connection to you, the method of solving that problem is not something you can undertake alone. The essay is actually testing your problem solving skills on a lower level than you are portraying here. Aim for a more solvable problem or a personal problem that you were able to solve.

Don't take on a government sized problem and then try to grasp at straws or be unable to present possible solutions that you know you cannot implement.This is not about sparking a flame in others, this is about your ability to analyze and deal with problems that could hinder you in some way. That is where the personal aspect of the essay comes in.

Again, this is a problem solving task essay. So lower your standards and show the reviewer that you are capable of solving certain personal problems that come your way. It is not the magnitude of the problem that will impress the reviewer. He will be impressed by the method that you opted to solve or hope to solve the moderately sized problem.

Scholarship / "Do anything that you appreciate, do it elaborately" is my motto to lead me study science and art [7]

Potjarnard, I apologize if I made you think that I was angry at you. That was not my intention. I am looking forward to helping you improve this essay. I can totally understand how you feel and why these mistakes are occurring in your essay. Don't fret, I will make sure that this paper will get cleaned up and reflect the message that you want to deliver in accordance with the prompt requirements. So, get the prompt requirements to this thread as soon as you can. I am looking forward to working with you on this essay. I am familiar with the KGSP scholarship but I still need the prompt requirement from you because we need to present your essay in 2 parts. I need to know if it should be presented in the way that you have now or if we can merge the content to create one complete discussion of the 2 parts in a single essay. I'm not going to stop helping you until we make your essay perfect. You are not alone. Your essay will be edited properly to help you with your application,

Graduate / Value of Heroism. What actions make some people heroes? [3]

Maede, when you write a graduate paper or even just a simple academic essay, you should know that one of the rules of writing is that you should never use the initials of a person, who is the topic of the discussion in the written paper. Therefore, spelling out MLK, Jr is wrong but saying "Martin Luther King Jr." is correct in the sentence. You also have the name of the person wrong in your essay. He is not "Martin Luis King", his name is "Martin Luther King". In an academic essay, accuracy of people's names, specially historic names, are vital to the accuracy of your paper and your score in terms of properly developing your essay. It is pretty obvious that you did not proof read this paper because of the obvious writing violations and mistaken names used in the final copy. Please review the essay for grammar structure and information accuracy as these will affect the grade that your professor will give you.

Scholarship / "Do anything that you appreciate, do it elaborately" is my motto to lead me study science and art [7]

Hi Potjarnard. Your essay is really confusing to read because the development of your discussion is not clear and does not offer a kind of focus that a simple topic sentence at the start of a paragraph can offer. Would you please do us a favor and post the complete prompt that you are writing this essay for? If we know all of the questions that you are trying to answer in this essay, we can help you better develop your paragraphs and remove the unnecessary information. Right now, I cannot really offer you a clear path towards editing this essay because there are 2 parts to it and I am unsure as to how these parts relate to one another. I am very sad to say that right now, very little of your essay makes sense because your English sentence structure is almost non-existent. This sounds more like a translation of your original language writing done very badly by a translation software. I will await the complete prompt before I proceed with further comments regarding the improvement of your essay.