Undergraduate / Teaching children math with Bingo Games-Boston College Supplemental [11]

@Holt

Holt its me Mualla. How are you? How's everything on essayforum?

So yesterday I got an email from Boston College and they released my decision. I got admitted!!! Thanks so much for helping me with the supplement. I couldn't have done it without you-:)

Undergraduate / BU Transfer Essay- "the objectives" - The Shot [3]

@gabbyademi

Hi,

I am sorry about not being accepted to NYU.

So about being accepted to Boston, I need to know more about you. Like what was your SAT score? What other extracurriculars did you do? Is your personal statement good? Letter of recomendations? Your GPA alone won't get you anywhere. Believe me, those admissions officers look way past those numbers. I know a friend of mine who was deferred from a top school with a not-so-high SAT score while people with 2400/2400 on the SAT get rejected. Therefore, could you please tell me more about yourself?

Essays / Rochester Supplement on applying my powers to 'things needed to be done.' [6]

@Abdula1
Hi,

I applied to Rochester and completed the supplement. If you would like an idea, take a look at mine. I think you will be able to understand it better:

What it is basically trying to say is that you should write about something that you did positively to your community. You can say anything here, like money you gave to charity, helped tutor children and in my case built bridges between cultures. You can come up with anything that involved you helping others in the community, family, or your life. Hope I was able to help!

Undergraduate / "Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert [7]

@Holt

Thanks Holt. Yes I saw your like. The essay would not have come to this point without you-:)

Undergraduate / "Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert [7]

@Holt
Holt what do you think of this version?

When my family and I moved to a new town, we were not welcomed in the neighborhood because we were the only Turkish family. To change things, I decided to hand out Ashura, a Turkish dessert, so that people in my community would get to know me and my family better. My neighbors were instantly warmed. They found Ashura delicious and asked me about this dessert. I told them, "Ashura is a symbol of friendship and diversity." So, my neighbors began to hand out their own traditional food, which allowed us to come together and build bridges between our cultures.

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence [6]

@Holt

I see. So, then if I simply combine the first two paragraph, do you think it would be enough?

In this quote, Professor Jagannathan explains the place of rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence in terms of their importance in mathematics and science. He states that rigorous reasoning is crucial in mathematics, while empirical evidence from observation and experiments is vital in natural sciences. There has been a long time debate over whether the mathematical reasoning or empirical insight is more important to understand the Universe. I see the Universe as a book. While reading this book, knowing about the elements ...

Undergraduate / Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence [6]

@Holt

Thank you Holt.

This is my revised version:

In this quote, Professor Jagannathan explains the place of rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence in terms of their importance in mathematics and science. He states that rigorous reasoning is crucial in mathematics, while empirical evidence from observation and experiments is vital in natural sciences.

There has been a long time debate over whether the mathematical reasoning or empirical insight is more important to understand the Universe. I see the Universe as a book. While reading this book, knowing about the elements in the Universe, their functions, and the harmony ...

Undergraduate / PRACTICAL PHYSICS. This is my Yale essay I was wondering if the first sentence was a catchy one [5]

@AlwaysL8

Hi AlwaysL8,

Although, you refer the activity in your first sentence as "Physics practical" but the activity seems to be "Calculation". I don't think a calculation activity would be a good fit for "practical" use of Physics. Maybe you should have used an "experiment" for that purpose. Therefore, with this format, I don't believe it's a catchy one.

Writing Feedback / Wrtiting Task 1 IELTS The title of population in developed countries and developing countries [6]

Hi Dayat,

Can you please let us know what the purpose of this piece? Where is it intended to be sent?

And also, I see that there are some grammatical/wording errors:

For example, this sentence:"While, the bar chart displays the number of population in developed countries and developing countries from 2015 to 2040"

The correct usage should be: "While A, B" with a meaning of "in spite of the fact that".

Undergraduate / Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay [6]

@Holt

Holt for this supplement, I am working on another paragraph to make it all balanced. Do you think if I just expand my interest on Computer science that the supplement would be ready to go? Also, I deleted the pargraph with the rubiks cube.

Math fascinates me. There is an impersonal triumph within me that never varies, whether I solve for x in an equation or unravel the mystery in a derivative in Calculus. Math is a brilliant, creative game that captivates me because of its unequivocal answers. When people ask, "Why math?" I tell them it is about my personality. My character's orderly side draws me toward neat solutions, as my creativity induces new ideas and a positive mind, allowing me to succeed. I love that the world can be described through the lens of math. I once read an article that the spiral in a seashell could be described by using a math equation and shared this fact with other people I came across. I want others and myself to see the universe through these lenses.

Math is not just about numbers and calculations. It is a way of thinking and understanding the world. In the future, I might use it to explain the secrets of DNA or understand the cures for catastrophic diseases. I find math beautiful because it allows me to quantify relationships and understand patterns. For me, math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts and ideas.

In addition, I find Computer Science intriguing because it is derived from the concepts in math. Armed with three textbooks last year, I invested in my first Java project: the Dice Program. I found it cool that every line of code fit neatly in the program like puzzle pieces. I simply relished challenging my intellect in coding, getting lost in different approaches, scratching my head, and then saying "Aha!" Computer science is all about trying to solve a complex problem with an imagination to see the world differently. From a challenging algorithm to a glitch in a program, computer science increases my appreciation to solve problems. I taught myself algorithms and data structure, which allowed me to see how computers function. The first language I worked with was Pascal, where I wrote simple programs like calculators....

Math is amazing. The best part is that when I finish a line of code, an equation or a brain teaser, there is another one right around the corner. And then I chase it.

I intend to major in mathematics and minor in computer science. Since first setting foot (...)

Undergraduate / "Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert [7]

@Holt

Hi Holt. I may have misunderstood the prompt. I was thinking that it worked since it said, "create positive change in their communities" Is there any chance that I could improve upon this one? I would love to write another one but the time is really bothering me thats why

Undergraduate / NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded [7]

@Holt
Holt Sorry for not understanding. If possible could you please elaborate on what you said here: "Which of the essays do you think is your weakest? Use this essay to further strengthen that particular essay by offering an extended discussion or an explanation of that particular essay. Sorry. Its not that you cant explain; I just dont understand sometimes.

Undergraduate / Neurolinguistics allows me to understand myself - Brown Supplement [4]

@kc1099

Strong statement. Yes, you should take out the first sentence of the second paragraph. I read your paragraph with and without it and without it you are drawing your reader into your writing. It flows better. You should always take this approach. If your writing works without a sentence, it is to your benefit. If you look at these essays from an admissions officer perspective, you will see what I mean. They read thousands of these and you do not want to bore them, which I think your essay does not bore the reader, and get to the point. I said your statement was strong because in a limited amount of words you were able to explain YOURSELF, your background, and why you have chosen what you have chosen. Good work.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
No worries! I am still working on Barnard. I will get you the last versions ASAP. The college apps are hard to catch up. Sorry.

Undergraduate / NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded [7]

@alexgzm

The best comment I had so far! For fibonacci do you suggest I put his name instead of Russians, like this:

I read that Fibonacci has always taken a creative approach to studying mathematics; the idea of an in-depth study of the material seems wonderful to me.

@Holt

Hi Holt
Is it possible for you to take a look at my NYU supplement please?

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay - Epilepsy paved the road to my future [6]

@bryant_g

Hi

Ok. So, admissions officers sit down and read your essay. Reading it from their perspective I can not see how your seizure inspired you to become a computer programmar because I believe you were already interested in the field, you just could not do it. The seizure did not trigger you to be inspired. You can be inspired by someone or something and then pursue a passion but I am kind of confused on how the seizure led you to want to be a computer programmar. Was I able to make my point? In addition, I believe your essay would benefit if you reflect on what you learned and what you got out of your experience instead of explaining how the seizure took over you. Because more than any story or experience, I believe the reviewer needs to see how you have grown as a person and will make a difference and contribute to their campus. This is speaking through the lens of an admissions officer. Not that I am considered one; it's just what they look for.

Keep in mind, your personality should be reflected in the essay. You should tell the reader what you learned.

My suggestions are only what I think. They are not absolutely correct but you are welcome to use them if you think they are neccesary to change your essay.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing) [4]

@sweetsenior

Hi,

I think this essay is well written and using specifics is always important which I think you have done well. You are very enthusiastic about the school and I like how you relate to yourself and connect it with the school, which is crucial in admissions processes. So I think that you can improve if you spend your word count on a couple other things instead of telling the reviewers that "you had confirmed that Syracuse was perfect" Whatever you can give the reviewer about yourself and increase that, then you will get admitted. You have to portray your personality and who you are as a person; your supplement now is pretty strong, maybe it can improve.

My feedback is only suggestions. It is my thoughts on your essay. Don't take them like they are absolutely correct but adjust your essay accordingly.

Good Luck.

Undergraduate / Deep Roots (College Essay) [3]

@clair_L

Hi

Before I dive into my suggestions I have to ask you for the prompt. Without the prompt I will not be able to tell what you are responding to, which is vital when someone is giving you suggestions about your essay.

Now, onto the essay. I understand that the gallery wall holds a lot of importance to you. However, the reviewer needs to get a sense of who YOU are not what the gallery wall looks on the wall or who the Pashtuns are. They want to know what influenced you and what affected you to become the person you are today through whatever you are writing about. I will talk as if you wrote this essay based on a common app prompt. Admission officers want to know what you took out of whatever you explained in your essay. If, say, you wrote about how your sister or brother, then you want to tell the reviewer how that has shaped you. In your essay, I was not able to see how you grew, or what influenced you. Especially the part you talk about Pashtuns is not necessary because you are not describing something about yourself. Always keep in mind, that every sentence you write should reflect an aspect of who you are and your personality. Therefore, I believe it would be in your best interest to revise the essay accordingly.

In addition, I know the last two pieces of dialogue were meant to tie it back to the original first few lines of dialogue which is good but I think if you took out the phrase, "This is why the Gallery wall is important to me." it would be better. Why? Because you are "telling" the reader instead of "showing" the reader which is VERY important in admissions processes. I gave these suggestions thinking that you are applying to college through common app, but if your essay was a response to something else, I can revise my suggestions.

Hope these were helpful. Remember these are just suggestions and my thoughts on your essay. Holt might say something different to your essay and I always trust her comments more than mine. So consider these but don't think that my suggestions are absolutely correct.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt

Hi Holt I have a revised draft.

I grew up listening to stories about social injustice in my family's past. Women had to live under the protection of men, according to the traditional customs I was raised with. Coming from a cultural background that limits the role of women in society, as a feminist at heart, I have always wanted to break past cultural barriers. Barnard would be a perfect fit for me to make a difference for women not just in my culture but also globally. The education I will receive from the Barnard BLUE Collective dialogue series, a social justice education, would not only help empower me to become a leader in my community but also help inspire other women to succeed in their respective fields.

As a young liberal Muslim girl, I believe that women rights in Islam are misrepresented mostly because of the disinformation media spreads. The Scholar&Feminist Journal at Barnard would be an excellent platform for me to express my ideas openly and enlighten the public about this controversial issue.

Furthermore, the idea of working with numerous female role models excites me, especially because the majors I am interested in, Math and Computer Science, which are both underrepresented by women

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
As a person who's first language is not english, I dont fully understand some of the terms that are very obvious to native speakers-:)

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt
Holt I am working this is my revised version. I am not finished yet but so far what do you think?
...

Also Holt, what did you mean by women's causes? Does it mean woman success?

Essays / Which option should I go with? [6]

@Holt

Holt The thing is I already posted both of those in my already existing thread which were both separate. If I did not have those I would not have done so. Either way sorry about that. Please disregard my second post. I wont do it again. And thanks so much for the feedback for the "majored in unafraid" supplement-:)

Holt is it possible for you to delete my second post because I was going to edit out the second portion but am disabled from it .

Essays / Which option should I go with? [6]

@Holt
Holt its absolutely not a problem!

So for the "write about a time when you majored in unafraid" what do you think about this one

After several visits to different oral surgeons, I was informed that I needed an immediate surgery because of a tumor in my jaw. Anxiety instantly took over me.

Lying on the foreign bed on the day of my oral surgery, I feared anything that would come after: the potential risks, my appearance afterwards, the recovery period. It was eight-fifty four, six minutes before the surgery. The doctor prepared his materials, the nurses rushed quickly to begin the process and my dad was sent out the door. This is it, I thought.

But in that four minutes before the surgery, I thought about the last ten months. About how I had gone to several doctors with my dad and was informed of the big risks. As I sat there I realized something: yes, anything could happen. In the midst of my fear, I realized I was granted a hard, but unique experience to deal with. This surgery was an opportunity for me to face my fears and stay strong at a young age. My thoughts raced each other and then it all went blank.

My right eye opened up first. "Did the surgery start yet?" I asked the doctor. "It's finished," he said smiling. "You were very brave, young lady." I touched my numb cheek and positioned myself to stand up. None of the risks had been a problem and I felt healthy and strong. I knew then that I had majored in unafraid.

And this one is my Why Barnard supplement..
Coming from a cultural background that limits the role of women in society and as a feminist at heart, I have always wanted to break past cultural barriers. Barnard would be a perfect fit for me to make a difference for women not just in my culture but also globally. The education I will receive at Barnard will help empower me to become a leader in my community and inspire other women to succeed in their respective fields.

Despite society's attitude toward women in STEM fields, I intend on majoring in Mathematics and Computer Science, which are both male-dominated. When I first joined AP Computer Science I was the only girl in my class. However, one of my friends was inspired by me and so she also joined the class. At Barnard, I would like to continue to serve as an inspiration to women and serve as a mentor in the Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute, I was exposed to many dialogue programs where people listened to each others viewpoints on issues. There I helped International students through their English classes. By working with and listening to activists at the BCRW, I would like to continue my involvement with such organizations, help the unprivileged, and come up with different ways of thinking to current issues. Barnard is the only school that will help to me grow into a confident woman but also help me to leave a trail for others to follow.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

@Holt

Holt I know I am pouring my supplements on you but I would appreciate if you looked at this supplement as well... Thanks, really.

Coming from a cultural background that limits the role of women in society and as a proud woman and feminist at heart, I have always wanted to break past cultural barriers. Barnard would be a perfect fit for me to make a difference for women not just in my culture but also globally. The education I will receive at Barnard will help empower me to become a leader in my community and inspire other women to succeed in their respective fields.

Despite society's attitude toward women in STEM fields, I intend on majoring in Mathematics and Computer Science, which are both male-dominated. When I first joined AP Computer Science I was the only girl in my class. However, one of my friends was inspired by me and so she also joined the class. At Barnard, I would like to continue to serve as an inspiration to women and serve as a mentor in Barnard CS and Math help rooms.

As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute, I was exposed to many dialogue programs where people listened to each others viewpoints on issues. There I helped International students through their English classes. By working with and listening to activists at the BCRW, I would like to continue my involvement with such organizations and come up with different ways of thinking to current issues. Barnard is the only school that will help to me grow into a confident woman but also help me to leave a trail for others to follow.

Undergraduate / Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech? [8]

@Bennyoooo

Hi,

I think this is good but I found grammar mistakes. Hope these suggestions are helpful.

...in different cultures,.so I am attracted to GAtech because of theit would give me the opportunity to learn from a globalized education that only GAtech offers .

Aside from learning codemy interest in programming , I value different experiencecultures; I would love tobeing immersedimmerse myself in the cathartic culture in Lorraine.

Joining theThe

...knowam informed about the beauty and troubletroubles of the world, I willwould be able to more beautiful creations solving real-world problemsunderstand real world problems and create better programs.

InAt GAtech, the

which I will strive to take part infor the....

If you are not short on the word count, I definitely believe you can wrap the last sentence in a more engaging way. You can leave the reader thinking about your supplement in a nice way, kind of like a hook. Your last sentence now is good but can improve.

Like I always say, my corrections are always suggestions. Overall, I think this is pretty solid considering that you have successfully tied your own interests to the school. There were a couple parts that needed revision in wording, I tried my best; hope they are helpful-:)

Undergraduate / Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science [8]

@Holt

Hi Holt... Like you said, I wrote about another time I majored in unafraid. This is my visit to an oral surgeon. Hope this fills in the prompt requirements-:)

After many visits to the several oral surgeons at a young age, I was informed that I needed an immediate surgery because of a tumor in my jaw. The risks of the surgery? The jaw could potentially break. Anxiety took over me.

So, lying on that foreign bed on the day of the surgery, I feared anything that would come after: the potential risks, my appearance afterwards, the recovery time. It was eight-fifty four, six minutes before the surgery. A tear dropped from my left eye. The doctor prepared his materials, the nurses rushed quickly to begin the process and my dad was sent out the door. This is it, I thought.

But in that four minutes before the surgery, I thought about the past ten months. How my dad and I visited several doctors and were informed of the huge risks. However, as I sat there I looked at everything from a different angle. I realized I was granted a hard, but unique experience to deal with. This surgery was not my end; it was my beginning to face my fears at a young age.

Suddenly, I woke up. "Did the surgery start yet?" I asked the doctor. "It's finished. You were very brave, young lady," he said smiling. Right then, my family came through the door with two balloons. I touched my numb cheek and positioned myself to stand up. A tear dropped from my right eye. I knew then that I had majored in unafraid.

Undergraduate / After the It Girls Overnight Retreat, I knew Syracuse was the place for me- WHY SYRACUSE? [4]

@Tajonae13

Hi Tajonae13,

Congratulations on your passion in the IT area, specifically computer programming.

As was pointed, there are grammatical errors in your essay that you need to work on.

And also, I guess there are similar organizations/activities like "It Girls Overnight Retreat" in other universities as well but how was it different than others that it "influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?"

There are also some parts that refer to your expectations from Syracuse University (like "At Syracuse, I would not only learn how to code like a pro, but also study abroad in the AsiaTech program and learn from the world's most successful technology organizations.") rather than "influencing you to apply to Syracuse University?" which to me are not relevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / As an American Muslim, I love immersing myself into conversations. [5]

@Holt

Thank you, Holt.

After more research, I noticed that "cultural" programs are promoted more than "religious or interfaith dialogue" programs in Tufts, therefore I have changed my response as below.

In my college search process, every college formed a different personality in my mind like "persona of the college". Tufts formed a "warm, friendly, and good-hearted" personality.

Coming from an immigrant family, I am a product of the synthesis of the Eastern and Western values. I have been active organizing multicultural activities in my community. My combined identity gave me a world-view to recognize different cultures. I believe I will contribute to the well-being of Tufts community through "Tufts Diversity & Inclusion Working Group" to promote deep mutual understanding.and make students feel included following the footsteps of Dr. Bernard Harleston.

Undergraduate / Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science [8]

@Crystor

Both options I posted above have a STEM related aspect. For option 1, I overcome the fear of being the only girl in my Computer Science class and for option 2 I converse with Katherine Johnson about encouraging woman to go into STEM fields.

So, I will use one of them and vary my the other supplement to write something different.

@Holt
If possible could you please tell me which option is better. I am sorry to be a bother on Christmas break but the deadlines are approaching. Sorry..

Undergraduate / Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science [8]

@Holt

Yes, I agree Holt. Ok I am thinking about doing different topics for these supplement, because I see that the reader can be bored.

I am in between two options now. I see that all of my supplements kind of present the same theme so I am thinking of varying the content. Which option do you think I can go with?:

Option 1:
--Pick one woman: I can do Helen Keler(the woman who overcame the adversity of being blind and deaf at the same time) instead of Katherine Johnson

--A time you majored in unafraid: the time I was thinking about dropping AP Computer Science(which is what I wrote above)

OR

Option 2:
--Pick one woman: I can go with Katherine Johnson instead of Helen Keller
--A time you majored in unafraid: I can write about another time I majored in unafraid.

Writing Feedback / Regulating killing crimes law has to be the top priority taken by officials and authorities. [10]

Obviously "anything you want" that will be in the context that and will make sense.

If you completely disagree, I guess then you may argue that "society is NOT guilty of committing murder " and state your justification/reasoning why do you think that way. Will you basis be "what goes around comes around one eventually will have to deal with the consequences of his/her actions.) ?

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

@Holt

Thanks Holt. I believe your suggestion for my last sentences is seriously amazing. I copy pasted that into my supplement. The only problem with that was that the word count went up to approximately 370. My last sentence is definitely weak but I just did not have room. Since the word limit is 350 I had to keep it short. I am trying to work on trying to cut out some parts so that I can put your suggestion for my last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

@Holt

Holt you make my stress go away!!

Thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.

So, for the Lehigh's supplement I changed up a couple things, including the format, and I tried to include what you told to me but the word count kind of limited me. Right now my supplement is exactly 350 words.

What do you and Lehigh have in common? Please reply with 250-350 words.

Growing up, I always enjoyed exercising to stay in shape. So, when the Lehigh representative talked about the hills at Lehigh, I imagined myself going up and down those stairs. Two for one: I could go to classes and build leg muscles at the same time. How cool is that? As I began to explore Lehigh, I discovered a common goal between us--advancing learning through teaching, research and service to others.

Teaching - In high school, I served as a Big Sister mentor for elementary students. It was a struggle to take the attention of the kids at first, but after going through many articles on kid's behaviors, I decided to engage students with fun, educational math games. Through such activities, students were excited to learn math. I realized engagement in teaching is crucial, as is promoted by Lehigh.

Research - I took part in research in the Science Olympiad team. I joined many Science Events, like Anatomy and Physiology where I learned three human body systems and It's About Time, a physics and building project. Participating in such events with my classmates allowed me to expand my research skills and work in unity. At Lehigh I would be pushed to follow up on things that are of interest to me, from researching how dust settles on the ground to the application of power bank use on non-usb devices. Lehigh and I have a common goal of improving learning through research and collaboration.

Service to others- As a Youth member of the Peace Islands Institute, I have been involved in interfaith dialogues where I was able to meet new people. Being a product of the synthesis of the Eastern and Western values, I value mutual understanding. Lehigh goes beyond tolerance to explore all cultures and deeply embraces diversity. I would be able to contribute to Lehigh through "incLUsion" by building bridges with other cultures. Like Lehigh, I believe in learning through serving others and appreciating different cultures.

I want to spend my next four years in a community where teaching, research, and service are all part of learning. Lehigh is that place.