Undergraduate / Why Not Donate? Chinese millionaires - UChicago Supplement [5]

No need to capitalize charities here:
Why, then, are the Chinese rich disinterested in Charities?

Socialwise Socially, shaping a benevolent image is conducive to reduci ng the conflicts between the rich and the poor.

Not indifference of...
Do this: indifference toward...

This is fascinating... thanks for sharing this great essay.

Undergraduate / "Solo" My essay in the Application for UNCW. [3]

No need for a comma, no need for capitalization, and let's use a hyphen to connect those words and make the adjective you invented:

We had set up camp next to a mosquito-infeste d lake with literally millions of blood sucking insects swooned their next target: us.

In answer to your question, I really really really think it is best to write about your plan. Even if you have no plan, you do probably have SOME plan... tell about your plan.

Step one: revise this and shorten it as much as possible to make more room.
Step two: end the story about the memories, and spend the 2nd half of the essay discussing how this background influences you into your specific plans for the future.

If you have no plans, make some tentative ones now. :-)

Undergraduate / Bob, a Police Officer - someone who has made an impact on your life [3]

I have been taught the ability to learn from my mistakes. --- This part, too... it would be better to give an example. You cannot give the example here, but maybe you can take out this empty claim and use the words in the next paragraph for an example of a mistake from which you learned.

It's great that you had a run in with the police that left a positive impact! It is not always that way, ha ha.

Officer (BOB) has made a large impact on my life that will stay with me for the rest of my existence.---- now when you do this, you are just stalling. You are just reaffirming the previous message. So... how about asking yourself what the 2 or 3 main ideas are that you want to express.

I think you wrote this before coming up with the specific theme you want to use. :-)

Undergraduate / My addiction to fashion started when I was very young; Fashion Merchandising @ FIT [4]


Well said! I agree. It is great that the room reflects the scholarly intention.

Well, I can't really say I understand anything about fashion (If you saw how I dress you would know what I mean), so I really am unqualified to talk about the field.

But I can tell you about Essay Fashion!
First, let's add a thesis statement that will help the reader get her bearings:
Now, not a day goes by without me browsing online to see what the latest trends are and who is setting them. (add a thesis statement that tells the central idea of the whole essay)

Do not capitalize high school.

When essays were first being written by people like Montaigne, it was fashionable to meander and digress, and be very casual. But nowadays it is fashionable to have a clear thesis statement at the end of the first para, and then in the conclusion para drive home that profoundly meaningful idea.

Right now, your conclusion tells me your meaningful idea is "create a successful career for myself" but I think you can do better. I think you can connect this aspiration to your life philosophy, your moral philosophy, your other interests, and really leave the reader with a new insight that they had never considered.

Undergraduate / "Math, science, and finding all the views and data" - Diversity essay [5]


That's right! It is a COMPOUND SENTENCE when it has 2 complete sentences connected by a conjunction. Use google to interpret what all that means if you (anyone) are not sure.

Not all writers do this, but...

Example: Strunk and White recommend a comma after the conjunction in a compound sentence, and I agree!
(above is an example. "I agree" is a complete sentence.)

Here, no comma is necessary:
Diversity is the quintessential element to all higher education and job environments.

In all decisions matters, diversity is the key to successful decision makin g.

During the September of 2009 I began the search for a job after having my newly acquired license, as the need for a car in my spread out suburban community. ---hey, what is going on here. Look at this sentence, and tell me what is wrong with it.

Boarders Borders

Let this be the first sentence of a new paragraph:
The Idea idea seemed very new to me, and in essence the kind of living I had never been exposed to. I showed up one ...

This essay needs an intro paragraph and a conclusion paragraph. Both should express the same MAIN IDEA. Add a para at the beginning and end, and cut content out of the middle to make room if necessary.

Google this: how to write thesis statement essay

:-)

Undergraduate / "Unique experiance through playing guitar" College Essay [8]

hey, first I want to say Sapna gets the Best Username Award.

Bret, lately I have been playing stuff in drop D but with all 6 strings a half step down. Makes me feel tough, because it is so deep and relentless. You should try it! :-)


I hope you learn about Chinese Medicine so you can see how different kinds of energy give rise to different kinds of emotions, and how your music lets emotions take form (i.e. just like dreams) so you can give expression to them.

view on reality--- view of, perspective on, but not view on

This sentence is very cool:
Its twisted tone clatters my bones and rattles my brain which resides inside of my skull.
But the end has got to go:
Its twisted tone clatters my bones and rattles my brain. which resides inside of my skull .

Oh, I see where Yoda mentions it got boring.. Well, that is the thing... it stays on one subject for too long. However, I think you have the solution here. A COLLEGE essay has to show how committed you are to your plan. Some people have no plan, and that is too bad, because they cannot be as impressive...

I want you to use the discussion of your music as a metaphor for your envisioned professional work. Your work as a professional is music, too... (especially if you major in psych and become a music therapist)

So, compound the theme of this by making it so that it is not even about guitar. Make it so that the whole discussion of music is necessary in order to express your career outlook.

Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

Hi Yvonne, I wanted to thank you for using the UNANSWERED list to help people who had not gotten responses. I saw some great work you did in another thread, so I clicked over to this one.

Hey, let's fix some run on sentences here:
I am breathless, but I won't give up; I am too close now. I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, and it starts hurting.

(I know you are allowed poetic license for this, but I like it better with this kind of punctuation.)

"Hold on," I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!

... before the printing deadline It set.--- what is up with this: It

Hey! I love it... now that I read the essay, I understand it and really appreciate it.
I suggest shortening the beginning a lot, like this:

I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too ...

I think less info makes it more intriguing. Just my idea. Also, let's change "in" to "into"---into the printing center...

Undergraduate / "Creating your own inspiration" (the world I come from), UC essay [4]


This is impressive introspection.

Comma and a dash:
Whatever the reason was, it led me on my own path and I was happy -- or so I thought.

I like your writing style.

I went back to high school and got my diploma. It felt great having my own purpose for college rather than following the norms of society. My college ... never justify depriving myself of the college experience at this point. This can be shortened and condensed. Some of it is not so important. I don't know why I put a line through it; I don't mean to suggest that you should cut this paragraph, but I think you should condense it.

Some of your sentences are really great: Since I could not find inspiration in my peaceful world, I created chaos and from the ashes I arose with a purpose of my own creation and a determination to achieve my goals.

My entire career as a football player was marred with defeat. ----oh, ha ha, this is funny, I'm sorry.

This was our first victory of my high school career and it was against our crosstown rival, it was an amazing feeling.

Football taught me about being a man, and how to fight for something that truly matters to you Be careful not to suggest that fighting for what is important to you is more characteristic of males than females.

I think the football essay has potential to become a great metaphor associated with your career, but right now it seems too simplistic! :-)

Writing Feedback / "Problems with AIDS in poorer countries" - TOEFL Integrated Essay [4]

toefl? I think you are already completely proficient in English, and you should go to the next level with your writing. Google this: science of persuasion.


Well tough competition in a market causes prices to be lowered. It might be better if you specify that they have a "tough job of getting a return on their investments in research and development."

I don't think you did a good job of showing that the speaker contradicted himself. Actually, I think probably there was no contradiction, but I'm not sure.

This certainly is well written... not many mistakes.
Here is one:
Version is a noun. Pluralize it here: start producing AIDS drugs in cheaper versions .

:-)

Writing Feedback / Creative Essay of Death Row -- Mice Don't Talk [2]

I see that the due date passed. Sorry you did not get any feedback in time for it to be useful!


This sentence is all mixed up. I know you can fix it without my suggestion, though. You know, just change "you are" to "being."

---is the most psychologically traumatizing event that anyone can go through. ---this statement cannot be backed up with evidence. Surely a lot of the people facing the death penalty put their victims through comparable trauma.

gray grey

Know better. Mice don't talk.

You did a great job of writing in an emotionally stinging way to portray the experience! I recomment this article for you:
STEIKER. NO, CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS NOT. MORALLY REQUIRED: DETERRENCE,. DEONTOLOGY, AND THE DEATH PENALTY...

Writing Feedback / This is my part of my essay about patriotism and fighting for what you believe in. [2]


What happens when the country does something you do not believe in?

Can you be patriotic and also be a critical thinker?
Is patriotism a virtue no matter what country you are from?

Maybe these questions will give you ideas about how you will continue. The way you have written this paragraph is nice, but maybe a little too simplistic and obvious. Dig deep. Patriotism is an anomaly.

Undergraduate / "My Journey from Hong-Kong to America"- UC (where you come from) [4]

The journey of my life has been quite interesting while comparing in comparison with the lives of my peers. I grew up with.

...to support the family since age eleven.

At September 2003, my family arrived in to America.

During the first two years in America, I had learned the true definition of freedom not just politically but the freedom of life.---This is a great sentence, and I think you should write more about how this affects your decision about what professional field you will enter.

After a series of arguments with my parents and a graduation ceremony, I reported to the boot camp in San Diego at June 2006. During my four years in service, I had been was deployed to Iraq in 2007 and Afghanistan in 2009.

I hope you add more discussion of what kind of psychology you want to practice and what goals you have for the kind of work you will do... work with families? Addicts? Military? Maybe research? What professional journal articles have you read? Discuss areas of specialization in psych, and they will know how serious you are about it.

Undergraduate / The European Youth Parliament - Common App. Short Answer [5]


Very cool sentence here. Let's change lack to absence, though.

Below, I'll add 2 commas and a sentence adjustment!!!! :-)
It is adapting, sleeping in cheap hostels, and discovering that despite our diversities we are all, in the very end, teenagers struggling towards a better future. The European Youth Parliament is our common beginning.

This is high quality stuff...

Undergraduate / "love of music, don't stop singing" - U of Michigan supplement essay [3]

who had just recently learned how to play piano, my life was literally full of music.

Do you think it might be better without this?
I, unlike other people casually enjoying rock music or hip-hop, began to appreciate music in other ways: I found out how my small and seemingly trivial part can contribute to the sound of the band as a whole and create a mellifluous harmony. ----That will give you room to add another sentence at the end.

2 words: Every day (when you make it one word it becomes an adjective.)

Yes. It is true that I am never going to be like Chopin or Mozart, who can magically create a masterpiece or play a song with no effo rt. -----hahaha, not you have the wrong idea. When the masterpiece is created, it is the product of inspiration. That means no effort is necessary.

no... don't say you'll never be able to have that. When you created something that was truly inspired, didn't it seem to come out of nowhere? Almost like it did not even come from you. I'm sure that must be the same for Chopin, Paul Simon, John Frusciante, and all the other inspired artists.

However, despite this fact, I am still a lover of music.

Nope, you have an opportunity here to make a brilliant ending instead of these bad sentences.

Writing Feedback / My Struggle to Achieve Greatness: Law School Personal Essay-Looking for feedback [3]

I have always wanted more for myself; my dream as a kid was to become an attorney.

I used to read books about Thurgood Marshall and I knew one day I would sit on the Supreme Court.

Run on sentence: I did what most kids did at 19 years old I played around and did not take college seriously.

Let's not be so informal: I decided hey I will just to just find a job and take care of my baby. I found myself working for this company for about 6years and I felt like so unhappy.

Another run on sentence: June 16, 2007 was one of the best days of my life it is funny just writing about I still get emotional.
You must end that sentence: June 16, 2007 was one of the best days of my life. It is funny, just writing about it I still get emotional.

:-)

Undergraduate / Tutorial: Good for All (extracurricular activities) [9]

I have been tutoring since Junior High, but it was not until High School that I finally became aware of my delight for it.

I agree, no capitalization necessary: My high school embraces ...

Giving tutors turned out to be intriguing------I think you should call it tutoring instead of "giving tutors."

I offer tutoring for everyone who wants to join or is having difficulty keeping up with certain subjects.

They would come to my house, or I would go to school to meet them there; either way is just fine, because this is what I love to do.

:-) this is impressive! If you are a tutor, you must be a good student.

Essays / Essay structure (my first essay for a Management class) [4]


I like using headlines (i.e. headings and subheadings). I wish all teachers allowed it, but some say you should not use subheadings. They are useful, though! They succinctly express an idea in a way that is easy to remember.

Anyway, you can use them or not, depending on if the prof says it's okay.

But for the essay, do this:
5 paragraph essay -- intro, 3 body paragraphs, and conclusion paragraph. That's five.
- End the first paragraph with your most important observation about what happened (i.e. thesis statement).
- Begin each body paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that answers one of the three questions.
- After three body paragraphs, write a conclusion that talks about the thesis statement again.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Godspeed to Wherever You Perform!" - Common App Short Answer Essay [3]

I'm so curious about what you were saying is alright. What was the speech about?

I like this essay, and I especially like the ending. Very clever.

I can't find any sentence I want to change. Instead, I'll recommend an area of research for you. Learn about Bandler and Grinder's neuro-linguistic programming, and learn about how they used Milton Erickson's hypnosis in order to develop it.

Also, google this:
conversational hypnosis

If you have not already learned about matching and mirroring, pacing and leading, building credibility with the subconscious...I think you should!

Undergraduate / "Casa Juan Diego" Common App 150 word essay of a work experience [3]


You have an extra "and" here, Jeanie. And you are missing a "to."

I think it will be better if you get rid of the first sentence and let it begin with sentence #2. Then you will have a little room to add another meaningful sentence at the end. I really think it will be better starting like this:


That's good writing.

Undergraduate / essay describing past academic experiences and reasons for wishing to transfer [2]

Humans are just a pieces of data in...

Capitalize Internet

I had to find out solutions that are founded with little room for creativity and old concept of doing things that enhance or totally...

People might not want to hear my whistle, tune but I was happy when I raised water safety awareness and prevented dangerous situation by blowing whistle.

Here is the way to show that something belongs to someone:
I wanted to see smile on everyone's ...

One time, a father came to me and thanked me that I kept for keeping his daughter away from going into dangerous and deep water area. I was very so pleased that I didn't know how to express it. ---I like this part, too.

This volunteer work was meaningful and taught me lessons outside school text book.

Why didn't I think of making computer go adapt to users instead of users having to learn how to use them? ----VERY impressive idea.

:-)

Scholarship / English and Arabic "no reason for my existence" Adversities Essay Prompt ( CRITIQUES) [4]

...so that I may could translate technical information for my parents and gain knowledge about technology at a young age. I can assisted them with their workload and kept them accurately informed of any dependent ongoing issues.

Being born, I had no reason for my existence, but as I grew up I realized, from all the responsibilities I had to address, I matured at a very young age for my family.---I like this...

I grew up having two languages being crammed into my head and simultaneously adapting myself to technologies I had been so unfamiliar with.--- very impressive!

Let's do this, though:
I grew up having two languages being crammed into my head and simultaneously adapting myself to technologies so unfamiliar to me.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "It's more than a cup of coffee" - ENG grammar [5]

The coffee shop is my first destination where I would like to go every morning since I have first experienced the taste of coffee.

...because of the owner is a policeman who works there. No rmally his wife is who operates the shop and is responsible as a barista role. Sometimes her mother

I always see welcoming smiles on the owners' face, and I am sure that if you go there you would see a welcoming smile from them.

What citation style are you using? If it is APA, use a comma instead of a semi-colon:
... through finely ground coffee" (Yang, 2010).

Lots of things I could learn and gain from a cup of coffee although by my intention or not. People might think it's just a cup of coffee. For me, it's more than that.

Undergraduate / "Swamp kitty," a.k.a. Cottontail - a college entrance application [7]

I like that description of him in the beginning, but this is rough: He is the odd man out who I often think of how he managed to keep...---I could make a suggestion about how to fix it, but I know you can come up with a better, simpler way to express these ideas... and it is especially important to fix this jumbled up phrase: He is the odd man out who I often think of how he...

This has a great theme. Just look for places where you can use fewer words:
I was just naïve up until the point that I realized, as Cottontail would agree, with life is more enjoyable and meaningful when you seek new experiences.

:-)

Undergraduate / Opportunities, knowledge, diversity, symphonic band, tennis team - Why Stanford [5]


nice!

I think you can find a way to express these ideas that is more original, more clever:
...students who have in common a love of learning and preference for collaboration....(Lots of schools have students like this. You have to say something about a particular building or group or resource, etc. as Stanford.

Diversity makes these ideas interesting. Stanford represents over 90 countries, 50 states, and thousands of points of view. ----- getting a little brochure-ish, can you think of a brilliant and ticklingly unexpected way to express this idea?

:-) I like the feedback you give other people, Gnu, thanks for participating!

Oh, I have an idea... use this as a way to cut characters: Diversity makes these ideas interesting. Stanford represents over 90 countries, 50 states, and thousands of points of view----all the INFORMATIONAL stuff in an essay is the stuff that weighs it down. A strong essay is one that promotes one big idea and gives a lot of EXPERIENCE for the reader with action verbs and sensory words. :-)

Undergraduate / "Just a game" - Commonapp Essay [5]


Yes, confusing. It is because of all this that it is confusing. You do not have to explain the game if you don't want to, but you do always need to prepare the reader before whacking her/him with a lot of input like this. It makes my brain's operation system crash.

A complex sentence like that one above requires several sentences or paragraphs of explanation.

Actually, that can be the whole purpose of an essay: to prepare the reader for a heavy truth and then tell it. An essay is about ONE idea that cannot be expressed in a mere sentence. So, we use an introduction with the thesis statement, and then we explain it over the course of several body paragraphs.

Capitalize:
...yelling, "Good for you! Diplomatic tactics! Typically political!"

The game is abortive aborted as he tears up the fanciful map which, to me, turns into being a filthy tool for human greed.

... no one wins means everyone wins-- well in some situations, like war, no one wins means that everyone loses.

I like this a lot, but I think you need to get rid of all unnecessary details! That way, the reader can fully appreciate the important parts. Get rid of all that you can get rid of. Too much info crashes the reader's operating system. :-)

Undergraduate / "the continual guidance of these virtues" - FSU - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [4]

Well, i like the opening line. The word "dead" is always a good attention-getter!

I do not like this thesis statement: Throughout my life, these words have played a significant role in helping me build the person I am today. ----no good! It is not even worth writing if your purpose is just to say the roles were significant.

I think you can take this autobiographical content, which is impressive, and express it in 1/2 the number of words. That condensed version you can create... it will be powerful, packing a hard punch.

Let's talk about the words like this: Vires is reflected in the act of... or Artes is present when....
But let's not say, With the help of "Vires, Artes, and Mores,"

To be honest, I really think it is better to write about ONE virtue. It is hard to read the essays where the student is obviously trying to find examples of each virtue in her or his life... I want you to be PROactive instead of REactive. Right now you are reacting to the prompt by finding examples of each virtue, but I think you should focus on one virtue and give a discussion that expounds a meaningful concept that the reader may not have ever considered. If you can find a concept like that reflected in your life, something that GIVES THE READER NEW INSIGHT into one of the virtues, they will be very impressed and appreciative.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why I Have Chosen Radiography as a Career Field [2]

Find places to cut unnecessary words:
Since my Junior year, I have been interested in radiologic technology. ---- but actually I wish you would not open with this line. SO MANY applicants start with "I have been interested in XXXXX since I was young..." etc.

I see some very impressive discussion in the rest of that intro paragraph...

Radiologic technology is the most appealing career for me because it is a respected profession dedicated to helping people remain healthy.------ well, you could say that about any health care profession. You can do better with this sentence!

I have chosen Radiography as a career field for three reasons: a desire to help others, a desire to learn, and a desire to be challenged as an individual.--- again, you can do better. It is okay to tell the whole truth, the details... what is it really that makes you choose this over your second-choice program?

The rest of this is very impressive, and I see that you explain it in terms of that statement about desire to help others, be challenged, etc. Those are just kind of cliche. I think you can take out a lot of the 'fluffy' sentences like this:

I am passionate about helping others in my community. I want to touch lives and make an impact. I love working and volunteering in healthcare; and this has dramatically ...--- I crossed out some sentences that Admissions readers see way too often.

:-)

Graduate / "Mathematics inherent in Economics" - Personal Statement- For Economics Admission [6]

Mathematics inherent in Economics--- if this is a title, capitalize inherent.

like Paul Samuelson, one of the first economists who generalized and applied mathematical methods to Economics. ----- This seems like empty name-dropping. You don't seem to have any particular reason for emulating him... talk about people whose ideas have the ring of truth with you; talk about economists whose work represents the area in which you want to specialize.

Since that time, I have been trying to understand economic theorems with mathematical thought whenever possible.---- see, this is not very interesting or specific. You are basically just saying you are interested in economics.

Add "the" here:
...in the U.S.

And be careful here:
in a US top university
in a U.S. top university

...used a set of differential equations to depict an economic dynamic system, and make a qualitative analysis on price variation in food market linked to Bio-fuel produce.---- take the comma out of this. It is not necessary. The accomplishment mentioned here is impressive, though!

Your knowledge is impressive, but I think the essay is too general. Let's get a distinct theme that is so intriguing that the reader will not ever be able to forget it!

Undergraduate / Chemistry, fascinated by Science and Mathematics - Cornell Supplement Essay [4]

Hi Muiz, you can just click Jane's username in the upper left corner of her post, and it will take you to a list of her threads. Thanks for participating and exchanging help!

I am have been fascinated by Science and Mathematics ever since I entered primary school. ----- I changed it a little, but I want to tell you that this is really not a good sentence to use at the beginning. SO MANY students begin their essay like that... "I have enjoyed art since I was very young..." etc.

I wish to be admitted into College of Engineering in Cornell University and major in Chemical Engineering. ----If you invest words in a sentence like this, add two or three more words to make the sentence more meaningful... for example, add a specific action verb:

I wish to major in chemical engineering and learn about XXXXXX and XXXXXXX, especially from professor YYYY YYYYYYYY at Cornell's College of Engineering. ---- Same amount of words, but much more meaning.

I dream of becoming a successful chemical engineer in the future, and finding answers to our imminent problems involving the study of matter and its properties.--- too general. The way to inspire them is to be specific... intrigue them with your specific intentions.

Before you revise the essay, enhance the specificity of your plan. At any time, any of us can consider our plan for the future and add goals to give it more definition.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Hard work and relationships" - Samfords Role [2]

Hey, this intro is very strong. You have a nice way of carrying the reader's attention along.

I hope to pursue a degree in Accounting.--- you hope to, or you intend to? I think hope is a weaker word than necessary here.

This is a nice place for a colon:
When it comes to being successful there is one thing that is necessary that you can't develop on your own: relationships.
But what does this have to with the thesis statement? Actually, I think the thesis statement is about how important hard work is, but that is too simple. I think you should add a sentence to that first paragraph to discuss the combined theme "hard work & relationships." That is a cool combination, and it can make your essay unique if you express it as your theme.

Don't capitalize college: Just like high school, College presents many opportunities to excel academically. ---- and actually, this is a statement of the obvious! Kill it! It has no place in the essay. :-)

Keep the same verb form: This in turn would will continue to develop a capable, compassionate and committed person in me.

:-)

Book Reports / Rewrite a story: Greenwood's mother from the novel The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath [2]

Her discerning eyes saw it all. --- so, is this your original sentence? It's very good, very intriguing.

I like the idea for this assignment. It seems like it must be hard to rewrite a story that is already written.

I don't know about this use of the comma after the dash:
shorthand-, but never did
Just do the dash:
shorthand -- but never did...

Esther seemed to be even more insane than her mother.---another excellent sentence..."Mumblings of stupid doctors." ha ha, I am not familiar with the story you are rewriting, but if these ideas are all original I am very impressed. You have a great style.

Undergraduate / "From Mexico to Los Angeles" - Where I come from UC Prompt #1 [4]

Your introduction is beautiful. I was impressed while reading it... I think the long first para needs to be divided into two, though:
Families went to church on Sunday morning and on weekdays children rose at six am to iron their damp uniforms and make it to school by seven. Beach soccer on breezy afternoons, watching the surf on Saturday mornings and occasional weekend fishing trips, this was my life until I was seven.(how about ending the paragraph here?)

Use a hyphen: nine-year

...would go back to Mexico during the summer months people would always tell me I was so lucky to live in the U.S., but I was just a kid enjoying his summer and too niece naive to understand the value of opportunity.

That is why I am such a dedicated student now; not perfect but nevertheless full of drive. ----I really like your writing style a lot.

I don't know what I want to study in college but whatever I do decide I know it will help me learn about life and become economically successful.----Not good enough! You write like a professional! I think you are capable of coming up with a TENTATIVE PLAN and describing it as a career possibility. I think you are even capable of coming up with three different likely possibilities about what you will study. I want you to have a plan now, not in the future. Make a tentative plan, and write about it in the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / "My uncle, the first President of Vietnam" - a person who has greatly influenced you [4]

During his journey, he did a series of manual jobs in order to survive.

one word, not two: himself

Capitalize: "One day of my compatriots' suffering makes me lose my appetite and unable to sleep."

Here is a place where it could be clearer:
It is impossible for me to be able to learn all the lessons available in a study of his life.
And one last thing":
However, I will try my best to deserve to have him as my Uncle!

Undergraduate / "the girls' basketball team" - one of your extracurricular activities/work experience [4]

Hi Jacqueline, I see that Gnu made an excellent revision and corrected all your sentences.
I hope you practice the sentences one-at-a-time and type each on the correct way over and over again.

I have another idea for this one:
But that did not stop me.
or
But that did not stop me from achieving my goal.

For every sentence, practice typing it several times.

Like this:
In my native country I started playing basketball in first grade.
In my native country I started playing basketball in first grade.
In my native country I started playing basketball in first grade.

Type it over and over, and you will learn the correct patterns.

:-)

Undergraduate / (my youth hockey coaches) - Person of impact [2]


Not a good first sentence. It's boring! And "you name it" does not really fit the way you used it. Let's start with the interesting sentence:

I have played competitive ice hockey ever since I was in the fourth grade and have been drilled by coaches left and right. People always see the coaches in the movies yelling and punishing the team when they screw up. ---- See? This is the great stuff... lots of action verbs.

Less is more:
Well it's true, they yell, and yell, and yell at me like there is no tomorrow, not because...

...hear the lines admonition, "Don't cheat yourself" over and over again. ----it's not "lines."

:-)

I like your style of writing!

Undergraduate / "Playing a violin" - GMU Admission Essay: Significant contribution [2]

typo:
and was one of the youngest members .

Don't use however this way:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors, however, due to financial issues it was impossible.
USe however in the middle of a sentence like this:
I could not attend, however, due to financial reasons.
But in your sentence, do this:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors, but due to financial issues it was impossible.

Actually, it is probably not good to say "but due"... that is a funny word. So instead you can do this:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors; however, due to financial issues it was impossible.

Little adjustment here, too:
Yet, I was happy, for I found own stage where I could can shine and be seen like a star in the sky, impossible to be ignored ignore.

:-)

Writing Feedback / MY ROOM ESSAY (to carry out various leisure activities) [3]

Keep all the verbs in the same "form" in that list of activities:
studying, watching, listening, talking, surfing

In it, lie all my clothes and personal belongings.---- no need for a comma here because it is just like this:
All my clothes and personal belongings lie in it. = In it lie all my clothes and personal belongings.
No need for a comma

If you want to improve this, add sensory words and action verbs in a few places. Search the Internet for those terms if they are unfamiliar to you; they help a lot! They make descriptive writing come to life.

Undergraduate / "music has always had a place in my life" - Cornell Music Supplement Essay [2]

Here are some "extra" words that I think you should cut:
Having taken piano lessons for ten years with one of the best and most professional piano teachers available, I quickly...

Music has always been a part of me, and I cannot imagine life without it. --- a little bit cliche.

music most clearly manipulates the emotions and causes the listener to wonder, think, cry, laugh. ---- I don't know... more than cinema? Cinema combines music with many other art forms.

Well, I think you write well and that you can do a better job of expressing why music is so meaningful. I don't think you need to compare it to other arts. Come up with your own reason for music's significance.

Obviously, the evolution of my experience has taken a long time to accumulate --- this has to be rewritten, because evolution can't accumulate. Let's simplify that...

This is impressive; I think you can condense the informative parts that tell about your accomplishments.. condense them and make them take up half the space they take up now. Also, how about adding a little about your plans for the future. You wrote a lot about the "evolution" of your interests, but how about "how you will utilize the programs..."

:-)

Undergraduate / 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' + 'Bring a person' - NYU [5]

NYU is a challenge into which not many venture.-----I fixed the grammar, but I still don't like this sentence. Many people do venture into NYU.

It embodies the school's embrace for complex and often criticized cultures. ----what embodies?

Very good sentence here: it would enable me to challenge my ...
impressive sentence.

I think you did a great job with prompt 3, too.

:-)

Undergraduate / "3800 miles in the Atlantic" - Signifigant experience essay [2]

My trek began with my rear wheel in the Pacific and finished with my front wheel in the Atlantic, the 3800 miles in between were filled with laughter and tears, triumph and pain. ---- this is a cool sentence, but it is a run on sentence. Replace that comma with a period or semi-colon.

Though I gradually became accustomed to pedaling 8 hours a day, ----wow, amazing.. that must have been hard!!

Less is more, cut cut cut:
The success of a cross country bike trip is dependent depends on teamwork.

Working closely with people, in such a stressful environment, taught me valuable lessons on teamwork and group dynamics. ---- I don't think you really showed that this is a "stressful" environment. Maybe a bit more explanation will be useful to support this idea.

Nice job! I think this is a great idea for an essay.

Hundreds of hours and thousands miles on a bike becomes become more mental than physical.

I think the ending is a little too general. Is there a way to make a connection between the work you did on the ride and the work you will do as a professional? Any way to mention some of your intentions for these upcoming years?

:-)