Hello Adrienna, This essay needs alot of work. You do not say anything that will make Yale say "Wow we must have her." Your story tells the tale of a typical Jamaican family that has a Jamaican store in New York. You need to add much more to make it worthy of Yale or the other top schools you wish to apply to. Luckily for you, we are from the same town and I feel inclined to help you out here. If you leave your email, I will be able to send you a few samples of how to correctly answer these types of prompts. - AAO
I will be very harsh with you. This essay has so much potential and I firmly believe that if reworded it can be a powerful essay. However, there are so many things wrong that I do not know where to begin. First, Ill say the good points. Your story is good. It attempts to tell the story of trials and tribulations you have had and how you overcame them. However, that is about all the good I can say. Your biggest mistake is calling out an entire minority group - "Hispanics," without any substance backing up your assertions. You say that your team members were mistreated but you do not talk about any real mistreatment. Then you claim that you are a leader but show no real leadership. You stated "One day I decided enough was enough, and decided to approach the coach." As a leader there are several channels available to you. Did you try to speak with your teammates? Did you try other avenues to resolve the issues? Your only instinct was to approach the coach? While this is admirable, it doesn't show real leadership. To make matters worse, you allowed this experience to deter you from achieving your childhood dreams. While becoming the next Pele is a tall order, you did not persevere past this initial setback. This does not show determination. Harvard wants an applicant that is not only smart, but is determined and a leader. This essay needs to be heavily edited to present you in a more favorable light. admissions advice online
This is not a good admissions essay. What is the point you are trying to make here? Besides the numerous grammatical errors, there is not rhyme or reason to this essay. Admissions essays must always tell a story and how you were positively impacted. In this essay you are just telling a story. You do not go into any detail about anything of substance. What was the actual competition about? What case did you present? What were some of the obstacles you guys had to overcome? The common application essay is your time to show the schools who you are and what you are made of. - AAO
I will be blatantly honest. This essay will not get you into any of the top programs which you have listed. Its ok to write about a sandwich, however, this essay has no point to it and reads as though it was written by an eighth grader. If you are going to write about a sandwich, there has to be a reason, a lesson learned, or a life changing adventure associated with the sandwich. What you have written is a brief summary of your journey to get the sandwich and why the rest of the country should hop on the bandwagon. You do not connect the essay to you. Remember, while some people get very creative with their admissions essay...it is after all just that...an admissions essay. As such, you must share something tangible about yourself in every essay. As it stands now, this essay does not allow the reader to learn anything of substance about you. -AAO
You state in your response that there are no clubs so you have to resort to fiddling with your technical items. This is OK as it shows that you have a passion, but what MIT and other top Universities will look for in an ideal student in addition to passion is leadership ability. Why didn't you start a club there in your neighborhood or school. Admissions officers will certainly ask this question as they review your essays. The reality is that many youngsters take apart items out of sheer curiosity. What makes you any different? What makes you worthy of admissions to MIT? - admissionsadviceonline
Normally schools ask about an applicant's extra curricular activity to learn about their non-academic life. You have managed to make this essay about school as well. If you wish to continue to talk about serving as an School ambassador, focus this essay on what you learned. Make it interesting by focusing it on things like meeting foreign officials talk more about this and discuss a particular situation. If you make it about giving back to school, it will seem very contrived and disingenuous, no matter how sincere you are being. - AAO
I like the flow of your story as you describe your youth until now. However, if I were reading your application, I would first ask myself...If this applicant has done some many experiments on his or her own, why do they need Cornell? Nothing in your essay explains why Cornell. More specifically nothing states how you will take full advantage of the immense resources available to you at the School of Arts and Sciences. Try to personalize this essay with your desires and the offerings of the University. - AAO
This essay needs a lot of work. First and foremost you highlight so many negative things about you that it is highly likely that Ohio State would not accept you in the first place. You should always write your essays from a point of strength. Highlight your strengths while downplaying any weaknesses while staying on neutral subjects. Parents are usually a child's biggest cheerleaders. If you tell Ohio State that your parents doubt your academic abilities, why should they accept you? There are many others way that you can "surprise" your friends and family without sabotaging your chances of admissions along the way. - AAO
A safe bet is to match your learning style with the teaching style of Davidson. If you are more comfortable learning in a group, then you might want to talk about the small group discussions there. If you are more comfortable learning by yourself, you might want to talk about the ability to design your own course. Whatever you decide, this essay is asking you to link some aspect of the Davidson experience to something you have done in the past and how this aspect of your past will be enriched at Davidson. Also, they want to know how you will enrich the Davidson community. -AAO
Because this is such a short essay it has to be perfect. This essay would cast doubts as to your command/usage of vocabulary. For instance you write, "trying to figure out the best way to finish the solve." that sounds very awkward. It would be much better if you you were trying to figure out how to solve the puzzle etc.. Also you write "Suddenly I see 12:00..." How is it suddenly? The time was there along as soon as you hit the timer. You yourself said that your eyes started wandering up - I am guessing in anticipation to view your time to see if you had beaten your record? Suddenly usually means without some sort of expectation...You have to be very careful with your word choices...-AAO
Your essay is good, it touches on the main aspects that Penn is looking for in it's student body. The only issue I have with this essay is your usage of Poor and Rich. You should always use a softer tone in these kinds of essays. Saying "Poor people," is contrary to the mission that Penn has established - which is to integrate Penn with its surrounding community. Using - the word Disadvantaged or underprivileged will soften this statement. -AAO
At the end of the day and what I was trying to say is that your arguments- which are not fully developed, are supporting your thesis which is " My desire to be a free thinker is my attribute." However, that is a desire not an attribute. If your argument is reversed it may flow better. I was an admissions officer for 4 years at an Ivy League school. In my experience, the single primary reason why an applicant was rejected once they passed the initial step was because the applicant did not follow directions- primarily in the essays. Depending on the mood of the reader, they may be very strict or lax. In any event its always best to air on the side of caution and answer exactly the prompt of the essay as it is written. - AAO
Lastly, willpower already means to push your limits. People normally say something like: "I had the willpower to forge/push forward." You don't push willpower forward.
The essays are human scored. When we computer score an essay we mention this. This essay talks about several points and jumps around. When a school asks for an essay of only 200-250 words, its because they want to see how you develop an argument within boundaries. The prompt explicitly asks for a SINGLE attribute and how it has impacted your life so far. Your entire argument is about Freedom of mind. However, you haven't experienced this yet. You close by saying your desire for freedom is your most cherished attribute, however, thats a desire not an actual attribute. An attribute would be that you are egotistical, free thinking, selfish, etc. You state this in the beginning of your essay but give very weak examples of this. Your short essay has quite a few drawbacks that I would not be able to fully exploit them all here. Remember, if you are applying as an international student to MIT the bar WILL be higher for you. As such you need to make sure your application passes all possible tests. Lastly, in one of your closing paragraphs you state " I push my willpower to new limits" however willpower means just that - pushing yourself. As I recommended before, pick only one attribute focus just on that and develop it throughout the essay. AAO
Essay Score 50/100 Your essay started out very strong in the first paragraph but quickly took a turn for the worst in your second paragraph. You attempted to jam way to much into your second paragraph without exploring anything at any level of depth. When schools ask you such a strong prompt as this one, its always best to go in depth about one or two topics that correctly answer the prompt. Your answers to the prompt are superficial at best and do not fully support your response. AAO
You spend the first part of your essay talking about NYU's location in NYC as your primary reason to attend. However, NY C is home to several Universities. Why NYU? Then you go ahead and throw in the fact that NYU has "Portal School." However, you just drop this in without establishing a case behind it. Lastly, you begin your final sentence with an un-capitalized quote from the University's President. This essay needs to be personalized. Chances are thousands of other applicants will write a generic essay as to why they wish to attend NYU. What specifically does NYU offer that makes you want to go there? AAO
Although I understand your desire to cover everything in your personal statement, your essay rambles on way too much and as such, I doubt any admissions officer will read it fully. I am not sure to which school you plan on applying, but the top masters of finance programs in England, USA, Canada and Australia all look for quantitative ability above all else. Focus your essay on your quantitative ability and it will make you more of an attractive candidate. There is no need to add the normal fluff that you will find in undergraduate and MBA admissions essays. For fiance, straight to the point will do. Since you do not have any finance experience, I suggest that you open a trading account online or discuss a quantitative experience trading strategy you developed. -AAO
Whenever a student is applying as an undecided candidate, they should always talk about the things that all majors share in common. Start by talking about what interest you in the college. Why are you applying there as an undecided candidate. Then you can talk about the freedom to take several exploratory courses which will count for both or all majors in the school. Allowing you time to try out different majors without being locked in. - admissions essay advice
This is a tricky one. Depending on who reads your essay, he or she may feel that you did not properly answer the prompt. The prompt is asking you for an extra curricular activity. What you described here was a single event. Unless this event repeats at least once per month, or you are a member of the group that sponsored this event, it does not count as an extra curricular activity. The program you are applying to wants to see what other attributes you will bring to the community other than purely academic curiosity. Talk about any club which you are apart of. Its a much safer bet. admissions essay advice
This is a heartwarming story, but it does not properly answer the prompt. You do not connect the experience to you. The event happened and you were told about it afterwards. Its more about what happened to your sister and your mother. Granted the resulting relationships with your sister and the Dr. have impacted you greatly, this prompts wants to know how an experience which has happened to you personally, has helped shape who you are. Had the prompt asked for a significant event, this essay would be perfect. But, it clearly asks for an experience which implies an event which explicitly includes you.-admissions essay advice
This essay does not fully answer the prompt. Why Georgia Tech? You did not mention anything in your essay that you could not complete at any other university in the world. Why Georgia Tech? For this you need to do some research on the school. This prompt, in essence, is trying to find out what are the resources at Ga Tech that you will take advantage of, and how, buy utilizing those resources, will you contribute back to Ga Tech and the community. -AAO
This essay needs a major overhaul. Aside from the numerous grammatical mistakes, you do not really develop nor support a coherent argument. You start off by talking about an experience you had in first grade and then somehow try to relate that to some mysterious activity which you have been doing for the past 10 years. A better approach would be to talk exclusively about the mysterious activity you did for 10 years. Let us know exactly what did you do. How did that experience help improve you. -AAO
Your essay is great and reads rather smoothly. The only issue I see with your essay is the first sentence of the last paragraph. You mention "It might seem silly and exaggerated, but Dagny has shaped me into the person that I am today." I agree with you. Yes, it does sound silly and exaggerated. To soften the tone of that sentence and make it more believable, slip a "helped" in there right before "shape." -AAO
Your essay is great grammatically, but your reasoning is not strong. I will respond to your essay on solely a strategy level. If your plans are to attend either NYU or USC, your best best is to continue with the journalism route. Once you are in, your can declare your desired major or apply for an internal transfer into the program you really want. The reality is that NYU and USC, more than most other undergraduate schools in the world, have amazing media studies departments. Thousands apply to these programs yearly. Many of these applicants have years and years of actual involvement with film and media- this will be even more-so true for transfer students. You do not have any tangible experience with this field(at least from what you writ in your essay). You do however have great experience with journalism and both of these schools have great journalism departments in great big journalistic towns. Sticking with the journalism route will most likely double or even triple your chances for admissions. - Admissions advice online .com
If this essay is truly for a college application you should ditch it ASAP. Nothing about this essay will excite an admissions counselor. This story is dry and has been told -literally 3.7 million times before. I know, I've counted. Colleges want diversity. They want not just the stereotypical geek, but more-so the geek who is also interested in sports or beauty or that has a social life. There is more to life than just studying and attempting to plan your entire life at a young age. Colleges want well rounded individuals. I would need to learn more about you, and more about the actual prompt of this essay to help guide you. - AAO
I think your essay is great in terms of it's content. The topic of individual and business taxation is a hot button topic at the moment in the United States. Aside from your grammatical (flow, word selection) mistakes, I would suggest that you elaborate more on how the actual simple tax rate was calculated. Was your company singled out by the examiners, or was this a version of an alternation minimum tax leveled on business that is more common than not?
Lastly, you also argue that your excessive tax burden fueled your desire to study social justice. Remember, social justice is more-so about the individual and not a corporation or business. There are many who believe that taxing businesses at high rates or using an alternative minimum tax (AMT) is a from of social justice. Party because it attempts to capture revenue from corporations which might otherwise remove all tax liability through clever accounting methods. This revenue is then used to support social programs. Hope this helps admissions advice online.
I actually like your play on relationships here. I think that it is smart and something I haven't seen before. However, what really kills your personal statement is your negative talk. I tell clients over and over, do not highlight ANYTHING negative in your personal statement. Personal statements are suppose to be as strong as you can make them. Using words such as "squandering three years," and "menacingly low gpa" combined with your relatively short interest in Public Health(time-wise) will make any reader doubt your seriousness. To make your essay stronger remove all negative references. Replace this with more examples of how you have played a role advising others on health matters. If you really feel the need to talk about your poor academic performance, do so in a separate small essay or just send an email to the director of admissions for the program. -admissions essay advice
Makes perfect sense now. The actual question asks that you talk about a solution that you would propose. You do not really talk about any real solution. Also you are asked to provide support for your assertions. Since this is an accounting program, you should back up your essay with numbers. As you have stated, many countries utilize a luxury tax. Select one or two countries and talk about the revenues generated by the tax. Did they meet the projected revenues? If not, why did the tax not work as designed. How can you implement a better tax system and what evidence do you have that your version is better and will work. Also, since you are applying to a program in the US, you should make all monetary quotes both in the local currency(NT for Taiwan) and United States Dollars. -admissions essay advice
As many know, I am a UPenn graduate. Your essay is great. I enjoyed reading it and it shows the admissions committee that you have really researched Penn. You talk about many aspects of Penn that are nostalgic to me such as eating in 1920 commons. Again a very well done job! Good Luck -admissions essay advice
This essay will get you into UDEL, however, it is not really strong. You talk nothing about the resources of UDEL. You mention the staff briefly, but most colleges with this type of program will also have knowledgeable staff. What makes UD special? What are some of the unique resources there. Once you answer and incorporate these things into your essay, it will be much stronger. -admissions essay advice
This has all the potential to be a very powerful essay. However, you seem to have a major problem with agreement and word selection. Quite often you add a (s) to words in order to make them plural, but the words are already plural such as "equipment" and "staff." Also, the flow of this essay is not good. It reads as one quick blob. Start by talking about your background, then the problem, proposed solution, fix and results. This will make your essay flow much smoother. -admissions essay advice
I tried to find this application essay but could not. What school is this for? There are several major problems with this essay, but I need to see the actual prompt before I can give you a mini critique.-admissions essay advice
This is a very touching essay. However, you need to explain more. You need to talk more about how you have stepped up as a leader in your family. Why is your family now dependent on you? How did you personally feel about your brothers death. How did you father change afterwards. If you can paint a complete picture, your essay will really be powerful. Also you have a tremendous amount of grammatical errors. Try passing your essay through a word checker to help catch some of them. - admissions essay advice
This essay only focuses on the extra-curricular activities at Georgia Tech. Its ok to include these, but you must also talk about how you will benefit academically from the resources available at Georgia Tech. Also, Science Fare should be Science Fair----A mistake like that would automatically cause your application to be wait-listed if not flat out rejected mainly because you talk about how amazing you are but then fail to catch such a simple mistake. Admissionsessayadvice.com
Your work and academic experiences are amazing. However, your command of the English language is poor. This will be evident to Admissions staff when they read this essay as almost every sentence has some form of grammatical error. Also, the flow of the essay is a bit off. Always start a personal statement by talking more about your reasons for applying to the program. Then you should talk about your research, work and academic experiences and finally close the essay by talking about how that particular program can help you achieve your goals. - admissions essay advice
Duke is certainly a wonderful University. Duke pride is well known. Many students who attend duke, have wanted to attend for years. Many grew up watching Duke sports on t.v or have friends and family who have attended Duke. Your essay, in a way, trivializes this. It's ok to learn about the school from a ranking page, however, to say that you spent hours on the research page and thats what made you decide to choose duke, might turn some admissions officers off. Cross disciplinary studies, undergraduate research, global opportunities, (things you value about Duke) are all opportunities that pretty much exist at every University that competes with Duke. The real question is...Why Duke? Why Duke now? Your essay needs to be much stronger to explain what characteristics Duke has that really makes you want to study there. Characteristics that would be hard to find anywhere else. What makes Duke, Uniquely for you. admissions essay advice
Have you had any experience at all in fiance? If not, you need to talk about the experience you do have and how and why you now wish to study finance. Your essay has to be very strong as the competition for virtually all MSF programs is extremely harsh. - admissions essay advice
Is this for a finance program in the United States? If not, where? To give you a little advice, I would need to know where the program is and be able to read more of your essay.
Your essay received a computer generated score of 52/100(see photo attachment) and an editor reviewed score of 65/100. We believe that you do not fully answer the prompt. The prompt, in essence, wants you to talk about what is leadership to you(your chosen topic). More specifically what makes a good leader. The best way to handle this type of question is talk about a leader you admire. Then dissect the characteristics that "they" embody, the characteristics that makes them a good leader. Once you have established that, try to link these characteristics to the ones that you currently display and wish to strength as you undertake undergraduate study. We can help you with this. AAO
Your essay received a computer generated grade of 48/100(see photo) and an editor assigned grade of 55/100. This essay started off really strong. Towards the middle, you start to babble and readers gets completely lost. To keep things clear, keep your opening. Then talk about one really interesting experience you had with engineering. Then close with how the programs at Princeton can help you further explore and learn more about your chosen field. Remember, admissions staff want to see true passion. Especially at Princeton, where you will find the sharpest students, you really need to show that you belong there. We can help. admissions essay advice.
Your essay received a computer generated score of 59/100(see attached photo) and an editor assigned score of 50/100. The major issue with this essay is that you attempt to use "college" words, but do so incorrectly. For example, in your second sentence you state "miraculous opportunity." Was this really a miraculous opportunity? Miraculous is a very powerful word and probably should not be used here. Furthermore you go on to write "prophetic years of my life." Really? If miraculous was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, then prophetic years of my life is probably a 20 on a scale of 1-10. Remember, if you want to impress the admissions staff with your vocabulary, the best place to do so is on your standardized exam. Trying to cram so many SAT words into a college application seldom works. More often than not it makes the essay far harder to read and will cast doubt on your application as the admissions committee will not be forced to ask themselves...does this student have a strong command of the English language? You never want that to happen. Simple is always best. Lastly, talk more about the "truths" that you have learned and how you expect to continue to grow and share during your time at Rutgers. admissions essay advice
