Writing Feedback / Essay about - Are SAT/ACT good indicators of ones academic abilities? [4]

Students stress so much over these standardized tests that they may become ill, physiologically exhausted and stressed which might affect their testing results.

I think that colleges should not focus so harshly on these standardized tests, but focus more on the person as a whole, because in society we need people who have the ability to think outside the box rather then solve the area of it.

Every school is different, every person is different and everyones income is also different, and these aspects play a huge role in these standardized tests .

I could relate to this because I don't come from a high income family, in fact we sometimesstruggle to make ends meet which does not allow me to get a tutor, which would probably cost me $200 a visit so my only opinions is to tutor myself.

Good luck with school!

:)

Book Reports / Dialog as Making Love (Diotima and Socrates paper) [2]

Here, Socrates is not discoursing on love or sharing his meditations;...

...there is also an analogy to the process of falling in love, which is about learning how the other person thinks, letting them lead you further and further into the way they see the world and the things that they believe and know.---This is great, you're an excellent writer!

Humans can stalk the beauty of ideas just as intensely as they stalk beautiful individuals.----Great sentence!

This is where the importance of the dialog form itself appears to reassert itself.

Yet ultimately, the interchange with Diotima helps to shed light on some of the most intimate moments of a life between two people.

You are an amazing writer, and this is one of the best things I've ever read concerning love. Good luck with school, though I doubt that you'll need it!

:)

Undergraduate / 'physician assistant aspiration' - Summer Program Essay [3]

It is a well known fact that many graduate programs (physician assistant programs, in this case) require some form of a hands on experience, be it with patient care at a hospital/clinic or gaining experience within a biological research group.

What is alsoAnother great thing about this research program is that it is not confined to only one certain field.

But then again, I would also be meeting new people who have different interests that may affirm my future career, or I could possibly consider a different discipline in biology.

I would also have the privilege of working with experienced mentors, which would give me the chance to tap into their pool of knowledge and experience, which will enrich me academically.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Two words: My brother.' - Howard U transfer Essay [3]

Beeps , Beep, Beep, the red eyes flash 10:00 as Ryan Seacrest announces the Top 40 songs in America.

Such, ---No comma here.--- are my Sundays, which I have designated "Creative Sundays.

As I look back now, I realize that sometimes I did not use those days as well as I had hoped.

I had been digging myself a nice little hole since my freshman year, caught up in the social life of the University of Delaware and now I didn't know how to get out.

"I'll do better, I'm going to work harder" I said, but even those words sounded empty even to my own ears.

Two days later I had applied to a yearlong leadership program in Texas called the Honor Academy and four days after that, I was flying to Texas.

If Howard can take my little brother and shape him into someone I look up to and admire, I know that sending in this application is the best way I can use this Sunday morning.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / 'better to marry a similar partner' - TOEFL [5]

First of all, conflicts about everything between two individuals who have just finished the freedoms of single lives popularly occurs during the several initial years of marriage. S imilar couples often have fewer arguments than the others .

If they are different, let us say the wife is an out-going person and the husband is not, quarrels can obviously be induced even with this simple discussion.

This evidently attributes to their feelings of being closer to each other as well as understanding each other better after watching and discussing situations in the movies which imitated those in reality.

One of the main causes that led to their separation was their different hobbies.

:)

Scholarship / Conversation with Jesus-Jimmy Rane Foundation Scholarship [3]

That him is referring to Jesus Christ, an undeniably influential figure in the history of mankind. ---I think that if you're referring to Jesus or god, 'Him' should be capitalized.

Depending on one's religious views, one may consider Jesus a prophet, charlatan, teacher, or creator of the universe.---No, he was the son of the god who some think created the universe.

Jesus has personally influenced the lives of myriads of people since the creation of mankind;

... and, lo, I am with you always , even unto the end of the world.

You've made a lot of great points! Your essay is one of the best I've seen. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Book Reports / Personal Response Thesis Statement for William Faulkner's "A Rose For Emily." [2]

Where is your essay? Send it through here so we can have a look to see what happened.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'living in a higher pace is better' - TOEFL practice 59 [4]

Some people tend to be in a hurry to complete their tasks, while others seem to prefer the opposite position.

... and a fitting example of which, can be found in my experience of missing an exam.

Apart from the one I have mentioned above, another equally important aspect is keeping up a fast pacecondition can prevent me from getting lazy.

Admittedly, on the other hand, there might be some people proclaiming that at a slower pace they can enjoy their lives more because it is...

In other words, I prefer to live at a fast pace.

:)

Graduate / 'Not sitting back and hoping' - Masters In Public Administration personal statement [4]

I think it's way better than most essays I edit, and that it shows your personality, your intelligence and passion. They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Scholarship / 'enhancing my knowledge' - Scholarship Application For: Ruth Roy Scholarship [2]

Receiving this scholarship would help me by giving me an opportunity to attend a class at the 2012 UW Robinson Center Summer Challenge to enhance my knowledge. ---This is boring and goes without saying. Of course it will enhance your knowledge, but you should start with an interesting sentence, one that conveys the importance of the scholarship. Like, 'Receiving this scholarship will mean everything for my future!' It also seems that you're not sure what you want to study. What is your main goal, as far as college is concerned? What is your intended major? The middle of your essay is okay, but the first and last sentences should be rewritten in an interesting way. You don't need to tell them what they already know. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Her efforts paid off' - help with a TEDx talk [2]

At 17, Natalie saw the documentary called Invisible Children: The...

She quickly stood out among the other interns, and was given the responsibility for helping to lead Invisible Children's largest project to date; ...

Those years were spent touring the country and speaking to thousands of youth, ...

That same year, she was asked to share her story at TEDxTeen in New York.

Since then, her talk has received over 400,000 views from around the world, and she has been asked to use her story to inspire and challenge youth in the...

:)

Graduate / 'Not sitting back and hoping' - Masters In Public Administration personal statement [4]

"No one ever changed the world by sitting back and hoping that someone, ---No comma here.--- would do something."

However, as I grew older I began to appreciate their passion, the belief that through teamwork and organization, these individuals could accomplish something that could not be done otherwise.

I was able to see first hand how public administration,---No comma here either.--- at the state level works on day-to-day bases.

...Ph.D XXX book gave me an entirely new perspective on the "red tape" of public administration.

Through education, experiences , and effort, I believe that I can devote my career to improving the lives of millions.

I believe that my involvement with social program, complemented by education from University...

:)

Undergraduate / 'seemingly random numbers and symbols' PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR COLLEGE SUMMER PROGRAM [4]

When things such as the BP oil spill occurred, and birds in Arkansas fell from the sky for almost no reason at all, all I could think about was how to fix the problem.

How can I make it better somore likely that our natural resources and wildlife will survive for centuries to come?

... whether it's from air and water pollution, global warming, wildlife extinction, or the waste of natural resources.

AndIn order to be the best help I can be in this field, I am determined to get the best education.

:)

Graduate / Personal Statement: Marriage and Family Therapy [3]

I also had the opportunity to study outside subjects that enlightened me, such as power dynamics and discrimination.

Those courses engrained in me the impact of societal factors on both individuals and groups.

I also made a few mistakes in my college years.

My previous work, while not directly applicable to the field of marriage and family therapy, still has served me well in my ventures.

Completing the marriage and family therapy program, ---No comma here.--- will allow me to pursue...

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / Wake up America ,UT issue of importance essay E [3]

Oh, I would have a great time with this one! I think you could make it much more interesting with a subject like Monsanto, a horrible company you should look up if you don't already know about them. Or the subject of political mud-slinging during election time, when candidates are making asses of themselves by putting down the other candidates, instead of talking about the issues and reasons for running for office. And have you seen the machine that squirts out the chicken for McNuggets? The chicken comes out looking like strawberry soft serve. They add ammonia to get bacteria out, then have to add artificial flavor to mask the ammonia taste. ugh. Just make sure your first sentence and first paragraph are attention grabbers!

:)

Graduate / 'interest in the Microelectronics' - personal statement [2]

My name is WWW, an Integration and Yield Engineer in 300mm wafer foundry.XXX electronics project excellent match with my requirement on my way to goals.

I graduated from XXX, one of the most famous Universities in XXX, majoring in Microelectronics in Department of Physics, focus on Semiconductor device aspect.

I got a solid foundation of Semiconductor through four (years of?) study.

I can build my knowledge base though the Master's Course , expand my understanding of my job and maintain professional growth and development by studying in XXX electronic school.

After completing my Masters, cause I plan to seek employment in the technology development department, where...

Such a position is allowed a greater degree of freedom in choice of research areas, and most importantly , I can spread advanced knowledge and technology to my country.

Good luck with school! They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / Facing the Giants [Personal Essay for Writing Class] [2]

The referee called the word for start, and we both began treading lightly on our feet.

I took a deep breath and walked back into the ring.

Instead of saying, 'the crowd gasped', I would say, 'there was a collective gasp from the crowd', something like that.

Now, not only could they probably feel my embarrassment, but also they could clearly see my cheeks...

...I forced myself to remember that fight and how I needed to be quick and fast to win 1st place should I ever compete against someone that tall ever again.

In my senior year of high school I got into a really bad car accident that could have cost me my life.

My giant became the overwhelming fear of sitting behind the wheels again, and also moving forward from the shocking incident.

:)

Graduate / "my Bachelor's in Accounting" - my admission into graduate school [2]

My interest into financial planning grew even more with the onset of the current economic instability.

Additionally, I feel that living at home with allow me to focus on my school work and rid any distractions that's could arise .---Are you saying that the school is local, so you won't have to move or travel, or that you live with your parents? The last sentence seems out of place. I think you should either elaborate on it or cut it.

:)

Undergraduate / "Pho changed my life" - Common app transfer essay [8]

In computing, abstraction is one of the most powerful tools used, to create an illusion of simplicity to a very complex subject.

This means I must do individual research to learn the extra parts myself.

Here's all I could find to edit, good essay!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I found lack of academic challenges' - Transfer Essay [6]

This past summer after my freshman year in college, I worked for Gallery Builders Inc. in Winston-Salem building and remodeling homes.

The labor was tough and strenuous, but every day ---Two words here.--- I could look back at my work and I could see what I had accomplished that day.

This work and volunteer experience got me very interested in real estate, and after talking to a friend's mother who is a realtor, I decided that I would love...

...of my life but I just feel like transferring to a school that better fits my area of interest would be the best for me in themy future.

:)
Good luck with school and have fun!

Undergraduate / 'My brother's decision' - With independence comes increased responsibility [4]

The responsibility felt by a person grows with their independence. P ersonal care and descion making all impact ones responsiblity and independence.

The ability to care for yourself is a result of personal independence.

In fact ,---Two words.--- when I was young my mother had always told me to zip up and put a jacket on before I went outside, because my mother had the responsibility of caring for me.

Futhermore, he has the job of managing a schedule, and he may pick work over a family visit.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'job with more vacation time' - IBT [4]

It is not hard to figure out that a regular communication helps the generation gap decrease.

Especially, we need to communicate and play with kids much more, such as going on a picnic with them, appreciating performances of children, and having talks with children every day.

Thanks to the moments we have spent with children, we are always being there for them and hardly can we leave pities(?) in the process of growing.

Also, friends are the wealth and happiness which we have gained in our journeys through life, with no doubt, we should treasure them absolutely.

On the contrary, if we choose a job with a high salary but less vacation time, we are always busying with our jobs, and always unavailable for our families and friends, even resulting in disharmony in the family and a poor relationship with our friends.

Apart from the above reasons , choosing a job with more vacation time but a low salary makes us healthier.

For example, going to the gym, climbing outdoors , and developing hobbies like playing the piano are sensible choices, not only sustaining our physical health but also our mental health.

:)

Undergraduate / 'my engineering aspirations' - Queen's PSE Essay [4]

Queen's university is the most profound place for this, as there is a large amount of diversity in the student body, many outstanding clubs to join, and a group of excellent professors.

I am a person who devotes a part of my life into helping others, as that brings me great satisfaction.

During my time at Queen's University, I would not only like to achieve high academic grades, but also to be greatly involved with the community at Kingston and activities outside of academics.

Due to Queen's great worldwide relations, I am looking forward to their international exchange opportunities and spendinga part of my time studying or working ...

:)

Writing Feedback / 'In realizing my ambition to be a doctor the biology course..' - reflective essay [4]

Biology is a subject that is constantly increasing.---'Increasing'? How so?

I Knew I was wrong by the time we reached the first few weeks of the school year.

Why and how did I came to know that was because of many reasons.

The more I attended this course the more I learned, and I am always eager to learn more about this topic.

This course has allowed me not only to comprehend, see and listen to lectures and videos about the topic, but also has allowed me to experience some of the difficult topics at a microscopic level and actual real view, a level which I have not experienced before.

However, I believe if we have a chance to finish the material syllabus for a test before the exam day, that I would achieve higher scores, and I would not stress as much about the test.

Over all, I believe that the biology course tests depend on what Dr. Rasool's explains and emphasizes during class time.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'My avatar' - UCF Honors Admission Essay [4]

Sure, it sounds vague and perhaps even unpromising, but all other historical solutions must have yielded --should this word be 'seemed'?--strange or idealistic until acted out.

Un-tethered imagination would expand the breadth of technology in miraculous exhibits; medical advancements, environmental concerns placated, and technological efficiency enhancment could all be aftershocks of this imagination revolution.

We could nix the unfair, low-wage, laborious jobs in (according to the Demographic Transition Model) Stage One and Two countries, and pay them the money they rightfully earn while exposing themselves to the horrendous working environment they endure daily while simultaneously enjoying the efficiency we've grown accustomed to .

This would ensure that we never disregard our fellow men tosuffering unnecessarily.

Good luck in school and have fun! It's true, you are an amazing writer!!

:)

Undergraduate / 'to finish the film he had started' - My Williams Looking Through a Window [5]

he's too busy capturing everything on video, for a documentary that he hopes will be finished some day .---In this case, 'some' and 'day' are two separate words.

Three years have passed since I recorded that video diary, and since then, much has changed.

I want to scream at that loathsome figure, "Imposter!" But I can't, and he is not. ---You are an excellent writer!

"I'll be a famous director some day ," he says.

:) Good luck with school and have fun!

Writing Feedback / Money can be ineffective and counterproductive part of the job [3]

Some people agree that money is the most important aspect of a job.

On one hand, from my point of view, the biggest part of a job is the fact that job can provide pleasure.

Also, it is clear that it can provide previous experience.

For instance, if a student has a job, he or she can learn amount ofgain some useful experience through working, and through the job he or she will acquire some knowledge of how to have a good relationship with others.

Only when they have accumulated abundant knowledge can they be confidentlyenough to say they are able to find satisfied jobs after they graduated from school.

In conclusion, though money is an important part of a job, it is likely to be ineffectiveness and even perhaps counterproductive unless there are corresponding improvements in some aspects that affect future development of the individual.

As a matter of fact, it would be the contribution and pleasure that represents the best aspects of a job, not the quantity of money.

:)

Undergraduate / 'heart for humanity' - volunteer experience for common application [4]

In groups, I would engage the children in educational and entertaining activities such as art, reading, writing and playing educational games.

His six years in the orphanage were very simple.

From this experience, I understand that the human life can take on many forms.

My heart for humanity grew from my volunteering my time at the orphanage.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / The University of the Arts- What Inspires you? [7]

The twenty first century has been filled with revolutions in the world of technology, ranging from products that are aimed at entertainment such as the iPod, or necessities, such as medical equipment for hospitals.

I want to explore the various fields within Industrial design which will allow me to use my creative mind to create products that are cutting edge and beneficial.

Cool essay, and I bet the Disney College was so much fun! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'major issues with water' - College essay To Texas State University [5]

Since the beginning of time, people have been harnessing water.

The great Egyptian civilization, ---No comma here.--- depended fully on the Nile, and the Romans were the first to build huge aquifers to transport water to citizens.

In the United States clean water is available to most people, but this is not the case for many developing countries, where water is much greater appreciated and they don't take for granted the use of water like many Americans do .

...the average American taking a five minute shower uses more water than a typical person in a developing country slum uses in a whole entire day.

Water is being used at a super fast rate at which the world cannot replenish it.

Farmers are pumping so much water that hydrologists predict if we keep pumping at this extraordinarily fast rate that the aquifer will be dry in about fifty years.

Water is being privatized and controlled by giant corporations--No comma here.-- who make water, --or here.-- a natural resource, and a consumer product.

Thus these countries make no profit and are forced to pay the rising prices of privatized water.

Many economists claim that the water situation has occurred because of the lack of property rights, government regulation...

:)

Writing Feedback / • comics • books • radio • television • film • theatre (media communication) IELTS [2]

Books as a media have superiority in transmitting the information, because it is easy to acquire the knowledge which you want to learn.

For example, in school, students acquire new knowledge through their text books .

However people become easily tired when they are reading, because books are monotonous in the form of communicating information.

In addition, the speed of updating of knowledge is lower than TV, because writing a book takes a lot of time, and it is inconvenient to add information in a book which has already been published.

TV is a media which has various forms of communicating information, therefore, most of people prefer to getting information by watching TV programs .

However the content of the programs are limited, thus people cannot always get the information that they need.

:)

Letters / NIH Summer Program Cover Letter Essay [4]

As a child I have always been fascinated by the field of science, always wanting to find out more about how the world works and the secrets behind the mysteries of our universe.

How could something that I admired so much, the cell, be able to create such chaos within the human body?

My interest in the complexities of the human biology and helping in its research has led me to focus on understanding how various facets are utilized.

I am seeking the opportunity to apply myself to the summer internship program to help further my education and lab experience in the field of medicine.

It is important to able to research on such topics as therapeutic cloning, cancer, and other viruses because we are able to learn more about things, people, and events.

This past summer,or 2011, I had the opportunity to attend the Governor's School for Emerging Technologies.

:)

Undergraduate / 'I plan to become a policy analyst' - UW Seattle Personal Statement (Transfer) [2]

In addition to that, though, my mother instilled in us a sense of acceptance and excitement about the world and the people within it.

She made it a point to teach us that we were no better than anyone else and that the differences between people should be appreciated and celebrated. ---Your mom is awesome!!

Since then, I have volunteered at events for theLeague of Education Voters (LEV), an education advocacy organization in Seattle, and completed a service-learning project involving a local food bank.

It began as a series of podcast s, and has grown to include ongoing blog posts and community forums with youth leaders and law advocates.

Since UW is widely regarded as one of the best research institutions in the country, being a student there will expose me to countless opportunities for higher learning and effective research.

The location is also optimal for work, with Seattle-based agencies and government programs in Olympia, at the state capitol.

I admire you a lot. The world needs more people like you and they'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'my journey profession' - extracurricular activities or work experience [4]

I remember I was ashamed of dancing, fearing from others' jokes, considering this was my very first time showing my dance to a big crowds .

However, this time, I forced myself to be more daring, to ignore the words of other...

We are the ones who control our own lives by responding to what happens to us

My heart was about to fall offstop beating and my mind was nowhere to be found.

Frankly, at first, I thought the show was a failure as for most of the show, the crowds were quiet, but when it ended, a spill of applause, unexpectedly.

I could see that my friends were stunned.

They were saying something but I could not hear it so I was guessing by seeing the movement of their mouths , spilling "I did not you could dance!"

Sadly, I was not the winner. I could not hide my denialthe fact that I was disappointed.

However, I learned my life lesson that the more perseverance and experience one has, the more ready one is to perform.

:)

Undergraduate / Video Editing, My Extracurricular Activity [3]

This hobby of mine is something I have enjoyed and learned more ofstudied for years.

I take an idea, create many different scenarios in my mind, and plug them into a program which allows me to manipulate time and space, w here I can add audio, effects, and graphics to create the unthinkable.

It's an activity that relieves my mind of stress, yet allows my imagination to grow.

However I never complain, because in the end, the time and effort put into a video is recognized by every viewer,...

This sounds like a lot of fun and a great creative outlet! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'to use the innovation and creativity' - Why a business in science degree? [2]

I want to be involved in a fast-paced field where I can use innovation and science in a more practical, real world setting.

...and my coursework as it stands, hasn't effectively prepared me for managing technologies or explaining them to non-specialists. about them.

In order to effectively run a company, one not only needs specialized knowledge about the field, but also public speaking and leadership skills in order to communicate with non-specialists.

It frustrated me to see girls with potential, giving up on school because they believed they couldn't do science because it was "too hard".

They needed role models to show them with diligence and passion that they could accomplish anything.

At the medical center, I worked as a research support specialist for various projects allowing seeking to understand the complement factors...

Working in the laboratory is a rewarding experience, but it is so highly specialized that it is not readily understood by businessmen and politicians, whose support funds these projects.

I want to use the innovation and creativity, the scientific principles and discipline I learned, to develop profitable products...

This is pretty great! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Causes of loafing among youths, essay [6]

Nowadays, there are many news stories regarding teenagers problems occurring, such as bullying and committing suicide.

Loafing among youths happens due to inattention from parents.

There are also some parents who are poor, so that, to earn extra money, they do part time jobs in a day in order to cope with their financial expenses.

Because of being busy with their jobs, they only spend less time with their children.

Parents can play an important roles as good leaders, to help to overcome loafing problems among youths.

The school authorities should also enforce strict law to eradicate loafing problems.

the school should cane the students in front of other students ---Oh!! I think this would be quite overdoing it, and that it should remain illegal!

I don't understand why you began your essay with bullying and suicide, then changed to the subject of being lazy. You should tell your main subject it the first sentence.

:)

Letters / 'further academic and professional qualification' -Recommendation letter [4]

In addition to highlighting a good disposition for field work, Mr. XX has especially demonstrated that he knows how to effectively link the development of his theme on the local scale with the debate at an international level, thanks to his(?) ability to consult an extensive bibliography, largely drawing from academic texts in English and French.

I think I can define Mr. XXX as one of our best graduates in recent years, able, thanks to the talents demonstrated, to its training and its versatility, to face challenges of a different nature, in the working field as well as in further academic and professional qualification.

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay on 'Dreams for the future rely on the work of Today' [5]

LutherKing then said, "I've a dream, I've a dream today". ---I think it was actually a speech called, I Have a Dream.

Similar to the history of United States, we see a similar pattern across the pond .

The history of Europe also shows that organizations like the European Union finds its reason for existence from the European Coal and Steel Association.

A country which gained their independence in 1963 is now one of the finest economies of the region.

Singapore, like Malaysia, is also an example of a hard working nation.

Lee's success story is the same as Marteer Muhammad's .

The 'Arab Spring' wasn't just a theoretical discussion among intellectuals.

The dream of a democratic Middle East has not yet been fulfilled, but it is an undeniable fact that the revolution came into being through the active participation of the commoners.

They are doing a commendable job in this field. All of these personalities saw a dream of making the future of Pakistan healthier compared to today.

Everywhere, we see that dreams are always accomplished through hard work.

Empty talks and chatter have never helped nations to progress.

This is a great essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Courage the Cowardly Dog: "Freaky" Fred Analysis (Weekly Essay to improve writing) [3]

Courage the Cowardly Dog may or may not have been meaningful to everyone, but it is unique when compared to the traditional cartoon expectation.

...darker than anticipated, as he can be categorized as a sex offender, added onto his psychological issues.

Midway through Courage's disrobing; Fred shares an experience with a past pet of his, as it "reminds him of the first time he knew just how he felt, about hair".

Fred was infatuated with Barbera's untamed hair and when shown in the cartoon, she appears to be about twelve.

As he continues to reminiscence his obsession over her, a dark chant of children caroling is played in the background while Fred continues with his flashbacks and simultaneously shaving Courage.

The way Fred talks, suggests that he targets children to appease any urges that he cannot control.

Fred speaks in rhymes that are childish and silly, but can attract the gullible mind of children into believing he is harmless.

...they can't do anything but wait and try to forget the experience as time passes by; watching their hair slowly grow back, taunted by his smile and enjoyment of their suffering.

Wow, I never knew anything about this! I always thought it was a cartoon for kids! Creepy! Good luck with school and have fun. You're an excellent and descriptive writer.

:)