Writing Feedback / Consulting others before making an important decision; 'experienced people' [3]

Good Introduction!


Why do you qualify the person to be a relative? .... I feel you should keep it more open because this person can be a close friend or a teacher or a consultant or whoever who is in a position to provide a good advice.


... this is a good point, but I think it's better to change the tone for it to have more emphasis on the actual reason as to why you say you need to consult others;

First, the advice comes with experience helps us making a more matured and practical decision that would less likely to put us trouble.

Undergraduate / I had suffered from being a heavy girl : Common App/ Personal/local concern [5]

You have a great answer for this prompt. This is the first time I came across such a topic and I really like it. I have a few suggestions for you;


Have you ever thought why I am so concerned about my body shape?


... I like if you set up a better link with the previous sentence;
It is because of this perception that people generally form on one's appearance.


... Bring you into the centre of this message;
I find it is very unfair to judge a person by his or her outer appearance.


.... my suggestion;
This perception has driven some people to maintain their body as skinnier as they could, no matter how healthy it is for them.
Good answer and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Home or Office? Home is better [2]

Good introduction. You introduce the topic well; express your opinion clearly.... Good Job! : )


.... With this correction, it reads better


.... this insertion of the word "good" brings in a great effectiveness to this sentence.


For example, single mothers who are also working, would be able to take a better care of their children if they can perform their job functionalities at home.

Overall, you have written a good essay. You understand the essay structure very well!

Undergraduate / "Hello Class" Foreign exchange/ international student experience/ Activity essay [5]

Well you give a good impressive start : )
I find a gap between the following two lines;


....The link between the two must come more effectively.


.... this part needs improvement as it does not flow well.
But, the rest is fine. Of course you have lots of potential for improving this more :D

Undergraduate / When I was in Hong Kong, I was a princess! / COMMON APP ESSAY [11]

it's very well written. But, the only issue is that you don't provide the prompt as to see whether what you wrote is in line with it. However, you have demostrated your transformation from a dependent girl to a strong personality very impressively. I particularly find the following sentences strengthen your essay a lot;



Only this sentence is not so clear to me and I'd suggest you to re-phrase;

Writing Feedback / Managing money is one of the most important skill for everyone; IELTS [4]


.... or " a person"


. .... if you change the order it would be clearer;
First, the schools can play a significant role in educating one to use money efficiently.


Secondly, it is the responsibility of parents to give the practical exposure to their children to learn about the importance of handling money cautiously.

Essays / Business Essay help, comparing two organistaions and deploying commercial awareness [2]

Hi Jowlcav,


Ok.... I found the following two definitions for commercial awareness ;
"Commercial awareness" is a term that refers to a candidate's general knowledge of business, their business experiences (or work experience) and, specifically, their understanding of the industry which they are applying to join. It is a key competency for all city job applications.

It is the knowledge of how businesses make money, what customers want, and what problems there are in particular areas of business.
So what you need to do is, first examine the way the business is carried out by this supermarket in terms of ;
1. their level of "know how" in business
2. their business experience and expertise in contrast to other competitors
3. their knowledge level about the industry
4. their understanding about customer expectations and perceptions
Do the same for the other contrasting company too.... It's better you choose one in manufacturing sector.
Then based on your findings, do write your report that contrasts the two :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Corporal punishment to discipline children? [4]


In the first sentence you talk about physical punishment as means of disciplining children. In the second line however, your idea does not come out that well : ( .... it does not give the idea clearly that others try different methods in replacement of physical punishments such as rewarding good behaviors in order to make their children disciplined. You better re-phrase the second line. :)


This is not adding any value to your essay because your exminer expects you to do this. Instead tell your opinion straight; agree/ disagree or moderate stance :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl:Television destroys communication among friends and family; Reasons & Examples [6]

The structure of your introduction is fine. You attempt to introduce the theme and then express your opinion. You also briefly introduce the reasons as to why you believe so. That's very good!

However, you have a few issues with sentence structuring and vocabulary;


.... this is the opening sentence and therefore it should come with a punch : )
Television is one of the greatest technological innovations in the modern world. However, like many other technologically advanced devises, TV too has its pros and cons.


... you can present this better;
I believe otherwise; In my opinion, TV programs bring the family together by creating a common forum to discuss about them.



...
First, it is true that watching TV consumes a lot of your time that can be spent on doing more constructive things.

Undergraduate / Like an antique picture of faded color- CApp/ An Ephiphany Moment/experience [9]


This is so only with this essay. With the next one you would be a senior helping others with their threads ;)

Do you have any prompt for this?
It's better if you post that too, so that you would get more relevant feedback from others. :)


... wow.... this is awesome.... I like your style of writing : )


.... you have strong sentences : )
Wow.... I guess I am with your parents, friends and teachers. I enjoyed every line and although I haven't seen the prompt, I feel this answers well for a prompt that asks you to describe an experience that impacted you.

Also I wish you join our community and help others who too would want to go that extra mile! Stay with us!
Good luck with your admission!

Undergraduate / 'academic endeavors' - Northwestern provides a wide assortment of programs [8]

Sorry.... in fact there's a typo too :D
You said Northwestern provides necessary tools to achieve your goal. What I meant was that you better give some examples for such tools. For example, its research capabilities, expert staff, student community etc. You do this by the end of the para, but I guess you better briefly mention about them at this point and then link up with the rest.

Why I said so is because the prompt is directed at finding why you choose Northwestern. So you need to talk about its specific features and it should come sooner in your essay and not later.

Writing Feedback / Cheating at examinations - Must find solutions for this problem! [3]


.... :D
Well, this needs a few improvements : )Cheating at examinations has become a common phenomenon all over the world regardless of whether it happens in economically developed or non developed country.

cheating at exams/
when you say world, it does not represent any particular country; but when you talk about development then it refers to a country.
Hope you got my points :D

Undergraduate / 'academic endeavors' - Northwestern provides a wide assortment of programs [8]


I believe that I am well-equipped to become an excellent member of Northwestern's community.


... it's better if you could mentionl a few of such facilities : )


Strong sentence!

Writing Feedback / mix gender at schools - Good or bad? [2]

Your introduction is written well. It introduces your topic to the reader and clearly states on which side of argument you are. :)

In body paras you come up with strong reasons to support your view. However, you don't provide specific examples to convince your reasons to the reader. Specific examples are a mandatory part of IELTS task and you'll earn marks for them.

Writing Feedback / Causes for increasing average weight of people; 'unwholesome fast food' [2]


It should be average weight


.... This sentence sounds a bit messy and your idea does not flow nicely. I wish you had said it in a simpler and interesting way


People have shown a greater concern over this issue.


Overweight is not an incident, it is a problem/ issue/ concern

I think you need to pay attention to clarity of your sentences. It is not wise to use very complicated vocabulary at places where they are not so appropriate. You should be cautious about this matter.

Undergraduate / I come from a multicultural household / Describe your world [6]

Hi,
I read your essay in full and it's really very impressive;


I like this sentence very much.


Great ending :)
I too feel, you should include a line or two to show them how you developed many other important life skills through teaching English to others. Naturally, you may have learned to be more patient, tolerating, convincing etc.etc. ... Good Job!

Undergraduate / Career goals, efforts, and diversity [4]


... I feel this sentence is a bit messy. My
I want to enhance my knowledge about different languages, cultures and the people because I appreciate human diversity.

The prompt asks for your career goals. And as I understand, your goal is to become a doctor. But you talk about learning languages, cultures and all sorts of things before coming to this point. I think it is unnecessary and in fact sounds irrelevant too. :(

Writing Feedback / iIelts essay;government should expand the road or car owners [4]


... ... I see a poor link here... In my view, roads and our daily life do not have a direct correlation.
Roads are an inevitable part of a country's infrastructure that has a great influence on the quality of life that people live.


Therefore the development of roads is an essential need to accommodate increasing usage of cars that may otherwise lead to sever traffic congestion in the cities. However, in my view, it is unfair to pass the responsibility of financing such road developments to the car owners.

Writing Feedback / Advantages of living in a big city; Jobs and Entertainment [6]


lack of educational opportunities and social activities.... I think this reads better : )


Basically, people in the city have a wide range of job opportunities while in the countryside this range is limited to a few types of jobs.


This sounds repetitive if you let it be this way. What you can do is;
For example, the urban people get job opportunities in both service and production sectors, such as jobs in hotels, banks, factories etc., that may not be available in the rural areas.

Letters / Employer Reference Letter for Admission in Master degree [4]



Okkkkkkkkkk... then this is my suggestion;
During his stay with us he made an exceptional contribution to the growth of the company's project portfolio both qualitatively and quantitatively. He also showed excellent skills in developing, implementing and managing projects. His responsibilities include planning, managing and executing development programs, developing strategies to further improve programs, strategic planning, exploring the networking and partnership ...

Writing Feedback / Intentional tourism can promotes people to understand and respect other cultures [13]


Actually this para seems to be a little out of topic. What you need to do is give reasons to show that international tourism doesn't create tension between nations. So this point sounds a bit deviated from the topic.

You can talk about the opportunities it creates to understand one another. See things in their own eyes without believing what is said by the biased media or other people.

Writing Feedback / Balancing the demands of work and family is a tremendous issue;Work & Family Conflict [2]


..... strong point : )


..... I guess it flows beautifully up to this line. The highlighted part however, though not incorrect, sounds a little weak. Why not re-phrase it?


The government requires to address these issues and stop ignoring them because they have a great bearing on both family welfare and economic growth of the country.

Undergraduate / I'm writing an essay to show unique qualities to myself. How to make it interesting? [6]


Yes we can : )
Think what's unique about you; how you are different from others.... Jod down them in point form.
Then find examples for each point from your past experiences and incidents. These situations should reflect that you are a unique person.
Then start writing.;
Write your introduction by introducing yourself to the reader. Briefly mention why you think you are unique
Then have your body paras to explain each point that you took down.
Do your first draft and send it here. We would help you to polish it further : )

Essays / Contrast the way young people today handle their money with their parents. [7]


.... I feel you better improve this a little;
There are many differences between young people and their parents in the way they handle money.


-------- this is not a complete sentence and therefore you idea is not clear to the reader.


What you try to say by these two lines have issues as an idea. You say, older generation did not do specialized jobs and the younger generation engages in such jobs. I think this is not true. You can find professionals such as doctors, lawyers, engineers in the older generation too :(

Writing Feedback / IETLS - the government should support education and healthcare system [2]


... it sounds better if you keep this in present tense.
It's always better you state your opinion in the introduction itself.


The main argument that supports this idea is that use of government revenues should not be wasted on welfare systems.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - What is the best age for Children attending school? depends on the country [8]


Is this a part of your essay? If it is so, I would suggest you to remove these lines...They dont seem to add any value to your essay : (


.... say this in a more simple tone ;
Some people think that children should not start schooling at a very young age. They believe that the age six or seven is the best for children to begin school.


This allows children to enjoy their childhood better by engaging in fun loving activities as well as spending more time with their parents and learning basic life skills from them prior to attending school.

Letters / (ambitious and hard working) Recommendation letter for admission to PhD program.... [8]


Based on excellent performance of Ms M Siri excelled in both academics and extracuricular activities I have no hesitation to rank her in the top 2% of the students in her batch.


... I think you should not be too very descriptive in a letter of recommendation.
Ms Siri was an ambitious, hardworking and a committed student who secured excellent gradings at the examinations. She was always ready to go the extra mile in achieving her desired goal. This was evident by her remarkable efforts in finding the scarce drug Acelclofenac, which she needed for her research study. This drug was not sufficiently available for research at that time. This situation demanded her to travel extensively, even to the other states of India, in search of Pharmaceutical companies who worked with this drug. Without giving up this tedious task she continued her sought and finally managed to find sponsors who came in her aid to support her with her research proposal. I was very impressed with her peseverance and her committment to academic interests.

Letters / (ambitious and hard working) Recommendation letter for admission to PhD program.... [8]


... this is confusing to me.... She did her postgraudates at a different uni from where you worked? Your sentences contain too much detail and tend to confuse the reader. I suggest you to break them up to improve their clarity.

Undergraduate / Reed College Supplement? "I know I'm not unique." [5]


....... Is this true? sounds exaggerated, especially whe you say that you were able to talk .... :D
My suggestion;
According to my parents, I began expressing myself from an early age of four months. They say that I was able to speak full clear sentences when I was barely one year..... This is more believable :D


My talent for language enabled me to explore knowledge from an early age. However, I had not always been answered for my endless questions.

Undergraduate / America was different from the country I came from;personal/social/family challenge [5]

Hi Moira,


Well.... what I meant was that you have dedicated that para for just those two ideas, which you could have said more concisely. It would be more interesting for the reader to grasp the point and then move into a new idea rather than spending too much time on one. That's the way I feel :)

I suggest you to avoid being too much detailed!

Writing Feedback / Toefl : Haste makes waste? Yes, I think so [6]

Sorry... I couldn't make my comment on your essay structure and style.
I think you have understood the structure very well and you keep the alignment with the topic cleverly. So your ideas are logically presented and it is quite good. You also have very good points and try to support them with logical examples.

With more practice you can aim for a good score. : )

Writing Feedback / Toefl : Haste makes waste? Yes, I think so [6]


..... avoid writing in present continuous form when the action takes place recurrently;
... when a person behaves in a rush he is very much likely to make mistakes.


.... the more appropriate words are ; mistake/ error/ lapses
Therefore, it takes additional time for this person to rectify such errors that were made in rush.


Well... quick is not a bad thing and it is indeed an advantage that helps people to save time they spend on a task. Here what you mean is that he washes it in a hurry or rush without paying due care and attention to the task. So I suggest;

If you wash it in a hurry, you may not be able to remove all the dirt properly.

Writing Feedback / 'Strictly executed measures' - essay about traffic problems and solutions [6]


Many countries, including Vietnam, have recorded a significant increase in number of casualities by road accidents.


Statistics always show trends.
The recent statistics show an alarming trend.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: We should spend more time listening in the teamwork. [3]

Hi Colin,
Your prompt is;


The prompt suggests that you should talk about the importance of listening in teamwork and it does not qualify listening as passive or active. However, you dedicate one para to show the negative side of passive listening and another one for active listening. That's not what the prompts requires. If you agree to the prompt statement then you should discuss reasons why listening is important in team work. The reasons such as how listening helps building synergy, sharing knowledge, respecting each other, avoiding conflicts, forming close bond etc. Choose two reasons and write the two body paras. Support them with candid examples.

Other than this issue I feel you have a very good idea about the essay structure. Also I find you support your ideas with examples. However, it is very important to align what you say with the prompt without deviating from what it asks for. : )

Writing Feedback / Toefl : Haste makes waste? Yes, I think so [6]

Your introduction is very good; It contains good ideas and follows a good structure :)


.... I think you can present this idea in a more simple and interesting manner;
In my opinion, doing things in haste may lead to waste of time and cost in addition to the low quality output.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay: The world you come from [3]


....OMG ... poor you :D ... anyways, interesting :D

Well.... it's really an interesting piece of writing. But my worry is whether you have answered the prompt properly. This is ok for something like "describe a character that influenced you'' sort of a prompt. But this one asks you ;


Here you need to talk more about your background or the environment you lived in. Isn't it?

Undergraduate / I learned about Barnard College when my sister was waitlisted there; Barnard Supp [3]


.... this is an incomplete sentence : (

Well ... I think you can present this answer in a more interesting way. Tell them what type of person you are; what you want to do; what are your aspirations. Then tell how well Barnard fits with all these things. Always have yourself in the middle because they are interested knowing about you.

Writing Feedback / Happiness is an inner sense; Effects of Happiness [3]


... this line is not presented well. It tends to confuse the reader. My suggestion;
It makes the world a better place where everybody lives in peace and harmony. Out of all the feelings, happiness is the best and the most sought one.


....This sounds very vague. You have to tell how they live their lives.

Scholarship / MOTIVATION FOR MASTERS SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION [3]


.... why not present this idea with more emotions?
I still remember my fascination over electronic gadgets during my high school days .


.... this sentence is too long ; I really cannot get a grip of what you are trying to say in the highlighted part. What do you mean?

Writing Feedback / IELTS-task 1: youth unemployment causes problems and measures [3]


... I am sure you can present these two lines much more effectively : )
This is an issue that needs urgent remedial actions. Otherwise it would lead to many negative consequences for both the youth and society at large.


Youngsters who cannot get a decent job may become psychologically frustrated.


This sentence is too long... better re-phrase.

As I always say, you write very well.... Pay attention to your time management now because time has a major bearing on this task. I think you should limit your essay to four paras; intro + two body paras + conclusion. That helps you save time. Practice with time and post your essays here. I'd love to read your essays : )