Writing Feedback / Description on Telecommunicating. [9]


Telecommunication is a form of communication that takes place through technolobical means such as telephone, internet, etc. Telecommunicating removes geographical and time barriers in communicating with one another and is largely used by people to work from home.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Contribution of young people to their communities is not sufficient. [3]


... this has some grammar issues;
Young people nowadays give lower priority to helping their communities.


Bothe these sentences mean the same and sound repetitive. I suggest you to remover the first line1

In my opinion, the main reasons why young people have relatively low involvement with community work are due to their much busier schedules compared the older generation, too much involvement with internet and low preference for social networking.

Writing Feedback / people should be flexible to adjust their thoughts and behavior; Task 2 [3]


rapid development in peoples' life? .... this sounds a bit queer. I guess what you mean is the rapid advancement of technological development.


This again is a problematic sentence. I think you can present this idea more simply and clearly;
... people find more difficult to adopt.


This sentence sounds meaningless because you have not said what type of problems they face with. : (

Overall, your introduction seems to be a bit out of topic. The topic is about people resisting to welcome new changes. You dont talk about it at all in the intro : (

Writing Feedback / I prefer living in a small town; birds' chirping and singing [3]


.... You have a few grammar issues here; pay attention to hte highlighted part above;
I would prefer a place in a small town to live because I like to be in a quiet and friendly environment.

I guess you are preparing for either IELTS or TOEFL. Though you have many grammar errors in your essay, it seems your essay structure is well aligned with what is expected by this task. Pay more attention to grammar;


First of all or First,


A small town is generally very quiet.

Essays / Entrance fees help museums survive, but prevent people visiting them [2]


In my opinion whether museums should charge for admission or not should be based on their reasons for charging.


will & will be are for future. Also the correct grammar forms are;
will fund, will be funding, will be funded
However, this sentence should be written in present tense;
Not all museums are public properties that are funded and supported by the government.
Anyway, this is a very good point : )

Writing Feedback / College plays a great role in shaping our future :TOEFL [5]

Your introduction is pretty good. It follows a good structure and contain good points.


..... This you do not have to reiterate because the examiner anyway expects that. This sounds a bit stereotype. Stop at the previous line. : )


Why not combine these two and improve its presentation ?
Besides, colleges and universities are the best places that we can gain a vast knowledge and learn many social skills .... It's important to touch on the social skills that are one of the biggest advantages one would have by attending colleges

Overall, I must say you have a good idea about how this essay should be constructed. Good Job!

Writing Feedback / Letter to the building owner ; IELTS General Training Writing Task 1 [4]


You know the owner of your house and therefore address him directly (either it is a man or a woman) .... Dear Sir


I am Andy, the tenant who lives in your rented apartment.


---------- Don't repeat what you said previously. Okkkkkkk... combine the two sentences;
I am Andy, the tenant who moved to your rented apartment with the family last month.

Undergraduate / 'Christianity and alcohol' - Brave New World - Columbia Supplement [3]

Some suggestions;


... You can leave "rather'' out without hurting the line : )


... nonexistent is one word (help you with the word count) .... I feel you need to re-look at this line.... It is too long and the reader needs to memorize so many things. I'm sure he doesn't like it ; )


However, this novel influenced me to perceive the society differently.

Writing Feedback / Potential promblems that people face while Living Abroad; IELTS exam essays [8]


This is a strong sentence .... Very good : )


.... problems are not essential :D .... What is essential is to avoid problems ... :D
I suggest;
One of the main problems people face in their attempts to settle down in a foreign land is that conceptual differences in religious beliefs.

Undergraduate / I can accomplish my research interests in Physics and Astronomy ;Oberlin Supplement! [5]


I had to make sure / I have to make sure


Why you want a medium size college? what type community you look for? Also, what do you mean by "I also found out I need to be in a liberal arts college because of the low student-faculty ratio"????

They ask you;


So you need to say why and how Oberlin answers your above concerns. It's not good enough to make statements without reasoning.

Writing Feedback / The advantages & disadvantages of starting school at an early age. [4]


Again, this line too is confusing. I highlighted the parts that do not really go well with this idea. Also, the schooling age is not something that parents think and decide, but a government regulation. That's what the prompt too talks of. Always go by what the prompt suggests without deviating too much from it.

Undergraduate / Tae Kwon Do made me a better and stronger person; Haravard Essay [6]

I like your introduction : ) Impressive presentation : )


... Well, I prefer a word like "extremely" .... may be my prejudices :P
[quote=arunesh]Neither did I give up then, neither would I do that now. [/quote]... Wow... you are so courageous : ) You've written it so well.... Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / Discussion about a short example in my essay [9]


Okkkkkkk....now I got it :D .... OMG... you puzzled me too much ...lol :D


For example, one day some student in my class raised a question on Landau quantization, which seemed quite confusing because there is a possibility to have a negative magnetic quantum number. I did not make any attempt to answer this question at that moment because it needed time and I did not want to have my lecture disturbed. So I told the class that I would discuss the question at the next session. However, Andy walked up to me after the class with a bright new idea; he pointed out that the centre of the orbit is not necessarily be at the origin. I was astonished and impressed so much by his unorthodox style of thinking which found the solution for that confusing problem with much ease.

Hope this would help you!

Writing Feedback / allow workers to work at home ESSAY [5]


Hey.... don't be so disheartned :D
My comments were aimed at helping you to improve ....ok? :D
Your first sentence was actually confusing and I really couldn't grasp anything when I first read it.
What you re-wrote is much better and now I know what you mean : )


It's, re-wrote ; write and wrote.... similarly re-write and re-wrote


In recent years the the numbers of organizations grew rapidly. This trend created many job opportunities for the people while allowing some of them to work from home during their leisure time.

I keep on advising you to write shorter sentences with clear simple ideas :)
You show enough potential to improve and it's a matter of improving your grammar and flow. You can achieve that through practise and here we are to offer you help :D

Research Papers / Why Spanglish contaminates or enriches english or spanish or both: research paper [3]


... I feel this does not make much sense, especially with its connection to your next line. I would suggest;
Have you heard of "Spanglish"? or How do you perceive "Spanglish"?



I changed the punctuation here since all these lines speak go in the same theme.

Writing Feedback / allow workers to work at home ESSAY [5]


.... this is a very confusing opening statement. You have to be careful with this line because it is the one that forms the first impression about your essay. What do you mean by this?


Examples as to show how the word "adverse" is used;
trend would have adverse effects / trend would adversly affect
You need to pay lots of attention to clarity of your ideas, grammar and sentence structure. Try to start with simple and short sentences limiting one idea to one sentence. That would help you improve with overall presentation of your essays.

Writing Feedback / Potential promblems that people face while Living Abroad; IELTS exam essays [8]


... "other" is more appropriate.


---- your prompt is more focused on living abroad. So you need to align your essay with that aspect. Visiting relatives and travel sound short term visits and fail to give the sense of living. Better reasons would be studying abroad, migration (you have already mentioned this) and working abroad.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for the EPIC program; Scholarship Essay [3]


This sentence is very confusing.... It is too long too : ( ... Why not re-phrase it?
My advice for you is to read motivation letters written by others to get some idea how you should go about it. But, do not copy their sentences because most of these universities run a software to catch plagiarism attempts.

Writing Feedback / Using mobile phone while driving should be banned [6]


Wow.... Good Vision :D ... However, be careful about picking up sentences from other websites, because I found some when I verified your essay... you may get caught for playgarism if they run this on such software : (

That's why I gave you suggestions above : )

Writing Feedback / Some people think it would be a good idea for school to teach every young person how [2]


This line has several issues; grammar, punctuation, clarity and sentence structure.
Also you must post your essays in a more neat and tidy manner and that helps you earn good feedbacks. When they look messy, others don't attempt to make comment on your thread . :(

Scholarship / I remember that my mom has worked so hard: Personal Statement [8]

Great.... : )
As per the prompt you need to talk about your personal characteristics and accomplishments for the selectors to form a view about you. For that you need to have yourself in the middle... Yes, you had hardships and you can talk about them. But at the same time you must tell them how you overcame those challenges. Show them that you a person with courage, determination, perseverance etc.etc. through your experiences. Tell them your accomplishments ;That part is missing in what you have written : (

This is how I suggest your first para;
I come from a family that suffers from many financial hardships. My mom is the only bread winner at home because my dad is unemployed. I grew up seeing my mom's endless struggles to feed us while looking after all family needs with her single earnings. Her struggles and our hardships made me think differently to other girls of my age; I became a more matured, responsible,sensitive and a hardworking person with a strong determination.

Do the rest and I shall try to help you : )

Scholarship / I remember that my mom has worked so hard: Personal Statement [8]

Where is the prompt? .... The question ?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants,other people prefer.. [8]

Although I admit that eating at food stands and restaurants is time saving, I prefer to prepare my meals and eat food at home. There are three reasons for that.this preference. First, it is healthier; second, it is less expensive and third, it is like a hobby for mean enjoyable experience for me .

Good introduction with meaningful facts and also it is well presented. : )
However, take note of punctuation errors and other minor mistakes.

Writing Feedback / Using mobile phone while driving should be banned [6]


Using mobile phones while driving is common, but widely considered as dangerous.


Due to increasing numbers of accidents that have been caused by using moblie phones while driving, certain jurisdictions have made this activity illegal.


While I am in favor of this law, I strictly believe that usage of mobile phones while driving should be completely banned under all circumstances.

Scholarship / I remember that my mom has worked so hard: Personal Statement [8]

Why don't you post your essays with their given prompts? Write your answers and post them with the prompts so that we can give you good feedbacks as to how you should answer them and what facts they should include. Since you are applying for a scholarship, it is important that your application stands out the others.

You can find many essays here on similar topics and read them to get ideas. But do not copy any lines because you would be caught up for playgarism :D

Essays / "Injustice is the drink that stirs the soul of the defence" [5]


Well presented introuduction ! : )


I feel you better re-phrase this as it appears to be a little confusing... Its flow has a rythm, but clarity should take precedence over rythm ; )


Very true : )

You have written it very well so far and hope the proceedings also would be up to the mark ; )

Writing Feedback / Discussion about a short example in my essay [9]


Ohhhhhh.... sorry... now it's even confusing to me


... who is this student who asked the question?

...then if you are Andy, why do you say "Andy came to me after class " ?

If you explain clearly what you want to tell, then I should be able to help! : )

Scholarship / Working with MSF; Unique Perspectives - Scholarship Essay for IIE [2]


When I was fourteen, I became a member in a teenage team that took part in community development activities.


gathering supplies ; this does not clearly convey what you did!
nursing homes? this is again a bit confusing... if you say elderly homes or orphanage , then it makes sense.
donate books to public schools - again there should be a reason for these donations; not every student can't afford books... Specify!

Writing Feedback / Inquiry Essay: Literature's power to affect our perspectives - feedback and editting [2]

Hi Tsesh;
I find your first paragraph needs improvement in its presentation. Here are my suggestions;


What was the purpose? Was it for entertainment or to satisfy another study requiment?



Does literature influence the public perception through the strong messages it conveys to the society?


This too is very confusing sentence and also it sounds repetitive... Either you should re-phrase this one or remove it completely!

Undergraduate / I need to hit harder. Move faster. Kick higher. Be greater; Common App [5]




Well.... dojo is in usage and I knew about it. and ivyleague gives the correct definition for "dojo" ....However, I guess your admission committee too would know : )

And also I believe it is better to keep the word in your answer rather than removing it.


Why do you mention "school's principles" as the validation?
Isn't it your hard work and commitment deserve the respect you earned?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Do you prefer to use the telephone or email? [8]

Hi korch;


Examples;
1) seems more convenient/ it is more convenient/ a convenient solution/ she said conveniently
2) It's all about convenience / It's a matter of convenience / depending on convenience


You must either say;
I have reasons why I prefer the telephone / There are reasons why I prefer telephone

You need to pay attention to grammar!

Writing Feedback / STUDENT BEHAVIOR is becoming a problems in many countries! [2]


Note; there is no comma
either you can say;
It is because of their family upbringing / It is because of the way these pupils are brought up :)


This sentence is too long and poorly constructed. Make short sentences limiting one idea to one sentence. Then it will improve the clarity of your essay :)


Well.... this is what you are supposed to do! So no need to say it in your essay.... Instead tell. very briefly, what are the causes in your opinion for this situation and what solutions you think would solve this problem :)

Graduate / I ALWAYS THOUGHT WHY SCIENTIST CAN'T DEVELOP BETTER VERSION OF PAIN KILLERS [3]


.... I feel this is a bit more descriptive : )
Every time I saw how my mom suffered with migraine for which she sought a marginal pain relief by taking Crocin, I wondered why scientist can't develop better pain relieving medicines.


That was the advent for my passion towards working in the Pharmaceutical research. I love to take part in the course of building a healthy world with safe and effective medicines. So I aspire to be a pharmaceutical researcher.

Graduate / I found my mentee drunk; MENTORING ISSUE ; Ethical Dilemma [4]


.... You fell in trouble? : (


... strong sentence : )


... I think it reads better this way : )


hmmmm... terrible?; How about '' utterly helpless'' or '' devastated'' ?


I immediately stopped giving him any money and did my best to guide him in the right direction. However, he found money from other means and couldn't escape from his new habits.


However, this incident jeopardized my genuine intentions putting myself in a great ethical dilemma.


First, I could have informed his parents about this situation. However, if they took it negatively and informed school authorities, the entire mentorship program would have lost its credibility.

Your answer is quite interesting and very meaningful. However, instead of the last line, I would suggest that you write a line to say what you learned for your life from this. Something like... that you would adhere to the guidelines very seriously in future sort of thing :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, new things or old things? [6]


.... this inclusion makes your idea more clear


With rapid development of science and technology


''and'' is more appropriate


Well.... you dont express a firm opinion : (
In my view, if people keep discarding old things and look for new replacements, this situation would lead to many negative impacts on our living environment.

Undergraduate / The Perks of Being a Homeschooler (topic of your choice commonapp!) [6]


Very impressive : )


------ Very strong line : )


.... another strong one


... Great ending :)
Well... I'm speachless : ) I loved every line of it and this itself proves that homeschooling needs to be given its due recognition : )
Excellent job and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Are parents the best teachers? they play a dominant role [2]


person has / persons have
It should be ''brought up'' (past tense) or ''bring up'' (present tense) which means raising or upbringing. However, I like if you say this in present tense.

Also the way you express your opinion is a bit weak. It does not sound as if you are convinced that parents are the best teachers. Say it direct and clear;

However, in my belief, parents are the best teachers for their children. They are the ones who play a dominant role in the lives of their children and go through all hardships in bringing them up. Parents guide their children in the right path with endless love and care that nobody else could replace the role of parents.

Scholarship / I remember that my mom has worked so hard: Personal Statement [8]


There are several grammar issues that you need to fix;
My mom works at Chevron, while my dad is unemployed.
so she can not afford to pay for my living cost in university, but she keep working to look after the course fees.(I guess this is what you are trying to say)

This is my suggestion for you;
I come from a family that has just one bread winner. She is my mom who works really hard to meet all ends because my father is not employed. With her single earnings she has to manage every financial need of the family and therefore I cannot burden her with my educational expenses.

You also have to tell them why you deserve this scholarship.... Tell them about your goals and credentials; your strong passion for pursuing your goals !

Writing Feedback / Discussion about a short example in my essay [9]


:D .... Well... we all do :D What is more important is that we learn from our mistakes : )


That line is grammatically fine. I don't get what you mean by "my originality in thought". This is Andy who solved the problem, didn't he?

So, your role there is not clear... Without having any idea as to why you write this, it's difficult to comment on this :(

Undergraduate / "Nam is an enthusiastic and humorous guy" - Essay on Myself [6]


wow... yes you are right... sorry for the miss :p