Undergraduate / My passion towards History - UMich Essays. [2]

Good afternoon.

First, mechanics for the first piece:

"But somehow, I found myself caught up in teaching underclassmen traditional Chinese fan dancing and by the time Lunar performance for the school came, I was intensely obsessed with the club. It was not because I suddenly realize how wonderful being Chinese was or that I learned to completely embrace my Asian self, but j ust seeing how the auditorium was filled to capacity for a little performance surprised me. This was just an Asian culture assembly. This was a performance to showcase everyone's talents. Instead of labeling my peers as Asian, Hispanic, or African American, they were just people. And that is what I want to be seen as. Not Asian, not a high school student, but just a person."

As to content, you don't relate this experience to how you will contribute to the UMich campus.

"History to me is not just a regular class in high school. It is a passion. I let my friends have their math and sciences, b ut history is a subject where all subjects are wrapped into one. You get your sciences from Curie and Einstein, your math from Pythagoras, b ut to me, history is beyond memorizing facts and names. History encompasses everything (Remove comma) anywhere from our lives to our daily habits. I realized where I was living in could one day be HistoryThis isn't a proper noun or the first word of a sentence. As such, it shouldn't be capitalized. for other people. Perhaps I do not fully understand military strategy or, ? but the everyday lives and decisions people make as they struggle through their lives and circumstances around them-What is this for? that interested me. History to me is not only about events but it is about the people that make it.

My passion towards History will not only guide me to excel in my major, but will allow to look beyond the text books and to explore the past my own way. I wish to see the old forgotten churches of yore and the torn pages of past scrolls. I became closer to reaching this goal last summer at my internship for the Museum of Natural History in New York. Everyday, I was immersed in wall to wall artifacts and displays. I would read the descriptions over and over again until I memorized the facts. I wish to see and learn about the treasures of the past again. Not through glass but through my own eyes. Attending Michigan University will allow me to achieve my goals. "

Change "suburbia Seattle" to "suburban Seattle."

Put a comma after "especially."

"No" should not be capitalized.

"Promised" should be "Promise."

In regards to content, you have not addressed the "If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?" part of the prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Global society, maximization of benefits - UT Honors program essay [3]

Good afternoon.

You have an excellent response to the prompt. This essay is concise, thorough, and well organized. The paragraphs flow well from one to the next, and your introduction is a great trailer. I like your closing paragraph, but I have one issue with the last sentence. I wouldn't end this piece with a question. Rather, I would place a period after "possible" and end it there. Ending this piece with a question is awkward, since your voice and tone through the whole piece is very confident and strong. It also mentions benefits exceeding liabilities, something that wasn't discussed during the essay.

Other than that, it's a great piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'My dad says not to give up' - Role Model Essay [6]

Good afternoon.

Your opening paragraph is good, but it is made up of many short, choppy sentences. This gives your essay a very "start and stop" flow, which is disruptive to the reader. Try condensing and/or combining sentences here to smooth out this flow. Try reading it out loud to figure out what would work here.

Place a comma after "dad" and "supporter"; then put a period after "wrong" and begin the new sentence with "I." Replace the colon with a comma before "nothing." Make sure since you began this sentence as dialogue with quotation marks that you end the dialogue with quotation marks also. They should go after "school."

Make sure your ending punctuation is always inside those quotation marks. For instance, "Do not give up."

Change the comma after "life" to a period and begin a new sentence with "While."

Change "women" to "woman" and place a comma after it.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The double vision of the Great Gatsby - applies to people, places, and events. [13]

Good afternoon.

The Great Gatsby is a very important book in American literature, and as such there are numerous study guides, online and in print, that can help you with this essay. I suggest you find a good, comprehensive study guide that can help you with the rest of this course.

You can begin this essay by going through the text and picking out different instances in the text that can be interpreted from these two perspectives. For instance, Gatsby's house. It is a large mansion, an ode to his wealth and success. On the other hand, the wealth and success that afforded him this property was acquired by less than scrupulous means, therefore it can be seen as corrupt, even disgusting.

Once you have several items from the text, you can look at them from both points of view, creating almost a compare/contrast outline. That will give you a good start.

I wish you the best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I have always wanted to play guitar - My UF essay [5]

I'm not sure the conclusion is particularly strong here. A conclusion is supposed to reiterate and restate the main points of your essay, and I just don't think this ending does that. It also introduces new information (your grades and extracurricular activities), something a conclusion shouldn't ever do.

Writing Feedback / Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences - Persuasive essay on why music should be in school [3]

Good afternoon.

I'll go ahead and give you some pointers to get you started:

When you use quotations such as in the first section, remember to put your punctuation inside of the quotation marks.

When you use inline citations make sure to put the punctuation on the outside of the last ellipse. For instance, "Quoted information here" (Citation name and number here).

Make sure when you are writing a list that you include a comma after each item in the list, including the item before the "and." For instance:

"...philosopher, an expert mathematician, and a skilled musician."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.

"...humanity's largest defining trait; culture." Watch excessive/inappropriate comma use.

Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "History" shouldn't be capitalized, but the name "Lin Chi" should be.

I also suggest you run it through a spell checking program such as Word or Mozilla.

Keep up your hard work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A passage about some measures to protect endangered animals [4]

That would be more appropriate.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

If it is included in your thesis, it needs to be addressed thoroughly throughout the body of your paper. As long as you do that, it should be fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Recommend change to our next president - Penn State #3 Essay [2]

Good evening.

My first concern with this essay is that of missing citation. You have quite a few statistics in this piece, but where did they come from? Make sure you are properly citing this statistical information to make your essay more credible.

My second concern is that there doesn't seem to be a question here. You are obviously concerned about the economy, but what is the question you would ask the new president? The prompt asks you for a question, so make sure you acknowledge that request.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / developing life threatening disease - Penn State #2 Essay [2]

Good evening.

The main thing I am concerned about is that you have a lot of statistics in this essay that are not cited. Where did you find this information? Make sure that it is properly cited in the text to make your essay more credible.

In regards to mechanics, one suggestion: "Our sacrifice, participation, and contribution..."

Other than that, a terrific essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Am I really going through with this?"; the experience which caused me to choose this field of study [5]

It is not necessary.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Hurricane Katrina, summer 2007 - New Orleans suffered great tolls. [3]

Good evening.

"During the summer of 2007, my youth group went to New Orleans; since it was already two years after the hurricane, no one actually expected to work . Rather, we expected to see festive streets of New Orleans. We thought there would be many tourists and that the city would be again busy like before.T he streets were vacant; r esidents' homes were heavily water-stained, eroded, and not yet rebuilt. New Orleans was still in a state of despair. Many relief organizations evidently gave up. So, my team worked: gutting homes, repainting, landscaping, and providing food. In the end, this New Orleans trip taught me that there should always be hope. My youth group's efforts to rebuild the city gave hope to those disappointed residents, according one named Ethel, and t his experience compelled me to join other volunteer services."

137 words.

Undergraduate / 'slowest runners on the team' - Cross Country track admission essay [3]

I am assuming you are seeking technical assistance, and as such.

First, "Cross Country" shouldn't be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence.

Second, "sacrifice" should be "sacrificed."

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. "Didn't" should be "did not."

There should be a comma after "practicing" and "Varsity" shouldn't be capitalized. There should be a comma after "leadership."

Undergraduate / 150 words short answers, my goal and perseverance [2]

I am assuming you are seeking technical assistance:

The comma after "time" should be removed and "disagreeably" should be "disagreeable." Also, you use "dispersed" and "dispersing" in the same sentence; choose a synonym for one of these to avoid redundancy.

Poetry / ideas or starting a Senses Poem [6]

Good evening.

What sense would you like to use?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / very short essay- family opbligations [2]

I'm assuming you are seeking technical assistance:

First, make sure that if you use a period the first letter of the next sentence is capitalized.
Second, make sure you stay in the same tense, whether it be past or present. In your second sentence you use "has" and "helped," which do not agree. Choose one tense and then stay there.

"Landscapes" should be "landscapers."

Undergraduate / Short answer - should it be merely descriptive? [2]

Good afternoon.

The content of pieces like these are pretty much up to you. Choose something that will showcase a particular ability of yours. Use enough description to get your point across, but not too much so that your point gets lost. The board is going to use this as a sort of "first impression" so don't overload them, but don't leave them in the dark either.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Presidential Comparison paper (sociology) [3]

Good afternoon.

This is an exceptional essay. You are very organized and well structured, overall. Your research is properly cited and creates a credible essay. Mechanically it is clean, and I didn't find anything that I would change. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A passage about some measures to protect endangered animals [4]

Other than that, looks good. An essay like this needs more outside sources to support your assertions and make this essay more credible.

Essays / Need help choosing topic for Sociology paper [3]

Good afternoon.

Your post is seeking course specific answers, and as such my free assistance will be very limited, because your question refers to very specific source material that only you and other members of your class can access. The solution to this problem might be to seek paid professional writing support, or alternatively, you can contact your instructor, classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist for assistance in locating materials and/or study groups on-campus that can help you complete this assignment.

There is another essay on this website: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/learning-failure-commonapp-3055/ that you might want to check out.

I wish you luck.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

Good afternoon.

What you need here is to narrow your scope. Who/what is responsible for these negative effects? Can they be reversed? How about something like, "Global warming is a serious matter in today's society. To protect the health of the Earth, we must first acknowledge the negative effects of man made global warming, and whether or not they can be reversed."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My grandmother - Uf admission essay; 'I have always idolized my grandmother' [2]

Good afternoon.

"citizen" should be capitalized, as it is a proper noun in this case.

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.

"Overtime" should be "Over time"

"As I got older I became more aware of my grandmother's condition, and started doing active research on it. Looking for different treatment plans; ones that actually worked were either hard to find or too expensive." This is structurally flawed. Try something like "As I got older, I became more aware of my grandmother's condition and started doing active research on it, l ooking for different treatment plans; the ones that actually worked were either hard to find or too expensive."

"The truth is that she is suffering just as much as I am." You have switched tense here; it should be "...is that she was...I was."

"Academics" shouldn't be capitalized.

"Business is my forte and UF is ..." the rest of this sentence doesn't make sense.

What constitutes a "great job?" In what area?

"Strive" should be "drive"

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My parents receiving Citizenship of the USA - Admissions Essay [2]

... of America was particularly moving and inspirational to me. Please see my comments as to mechanical errors in your previous posting of this essay.

To witness my parents taking the Oath of Allegiance and being sworn in as United States Citizens gave me a deep sense of pride and was particularly important to me, as I became a United States Citizen that day also. My parents are originally from England and I was born in England, although I came to America as a baby. Until that day I did not understand the importance or relevance of becoming a United States Citizen , because I had spent all my life here and felt no different than my friends, but after having gone through the ceremony it instilled in me great pride and emotion and made me think about my future and what opportunities lay ahead for me, as long as I had the drive and ambition to take advantage of them. It also made me realize what sacrifices my parents had made in the hopes of making a better life here in America for my sister and I . It has not been an easy road for them, as they left behind their family and friends and have worked extremely hard to build up a business together, working long hours. Their business has proved to be particularly challenging during this downturn in the economy here in Florida, but they continue to work hard in the hopes of a turn around.

Together with my parents that memorable day of Citizenship were many other immigrants from all over the world being sworn in and it made me appreciate that each of them had a story to tell of sacrifices and hardships, some more than others, yet they all had one thing in common and that was that they all had hopes and desires of achieving their "American Dream". Unfortunately the "American Dream" is not something that is handed out on a silver platter as part of your Citizenship of America and not all who desire it will achieve it, but, I believe, after witnessing that event, it has provided me with the motivation and desire to strive for my full potential in my academic life in the hopes of achieving my "American Dream" and I feel that the University of Florida is the place where these traits will be important tools to build upon for my future success in javascript:paste_strinL(selektion,%209,%20'',%20' ',%20'')life. Please see my comments in regards to this piece from the previous post.

I look forward to making my parents very proud of my achievements and to realize that their sacrifices were worth it to see me achieve the honour of acceptance into the University of Florida."

Writing Feedback / Essay: marry someone familiar or different? [3]

Good afternoon.

Devotion has really great feedback, all of which I agree with. Since he/she has covered all of the mechanics errors I can see, I will comment too on the content. I think that you have a great foundation for the rest of your essay. This piece leaves me wanting to know more details. For instance, what are the benefits of an arranged marriage? Is this generally acceptable in this culture, or is it not as popular as before? Or, more detail as to the requirements of a successful marriage, or even examples. Anything to make this a more satisfying essay; more details will do that.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Voyage of discovery English essay - I don't know how to start it [3]

Good afternoon.

What events or experiences are most memorable for you out of this class?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Check my sop and let it be hidden. (master of environment). Researches in Iran [2]

Good afternoon.

As the prompt and/or requirements for this assignment were not included, I can give advice for grammar and mechanics only.

Generally, being idealistic, responsible, and perfect in everything ...
Fearing being idle and having no progress has always ...
It would be so great if I can do something to improve ...
It would be wonderful if I had a share in making the life (...) it would be so great to use my knowledge and by means of ...

... environment is human being, animals, plants, and all other living creatures.
... consequently having the plants or animals endangered, rare, or extincted. Of course it is finally harm to humans because ...
... like the global warming, inversion, and various diseases.
... gradual destruction of the environment but we cannot find the right solution or the measurements ...
The majority of the environmental research in Iran is allocated to theHuman Environment and Natural EnvironmentAs these are not proper nouns, they should not be capitalized. are less taken into account ...

... the Scientific Quarterly Journal (The Environment) affiliated to the Department of Environment of Iran.
... civil faculty of Isfahan University of Technology to conduct research on the Isfahan P rovince industrial pollutants. The research took two years and we could determine the analysis of the samples taken from waste waters of different industries. After recognizing the pollution resources we represented ...

... detail design, and even EPC projects in steel, mining, oil, and gas industries.
... in the company is to prepare Environmental Impact AssessmentThese shouldn't be capitalized. reports for various projects ..
... for evaluation of the EIA reports received to the d epartment.
Site s election for industrial plants (...) of the plants based on the Ecological Capability EvaluationShouldn't be capitalized. of the location is another ...
In this regard I have carried out a number of the Site Selection for projects by means of GIS software and one of them was presented in c onferences held at the Department of Environment of Iran about correlation of Environment and Steel Industries.Shouldn't be capitalized.

Attending English and French classes to increase my ability ...
...safety managers' activities, and preparation of HSE p lans for projects to watch for ...
... besides the protection of environment so I have tried to learn more about this matter.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / the horror of my dreaded alarm clock - Common App Essay [2]

Good afternoon.

First, a few mechanical comments.

1. Avoid using contractions in your academic writing as they are inappropriate.
2. When using numbers from one to ten write the word out; in numbers 11 and over, numerals are appropriate.

"It was the third week of August which meant only one thing to me and the rest of my soccer team" should be "...to the rest of my soccer team and me/I."

In regards to content, I think you could remove some of the background details and replace them with more evaluation of the impact this sacrifice has had on you. Where else has it shown itself in your life? Are you a better/worse person for it? The more introspective evaluation you can provide the better this piece will be.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Am I really going through with this?"; the experience which caused me to choose this field of study [5]

Good afternoon.

Let's see:

However, the firsthand experience that I received actually working as a bartender f or a catering company could not be surpassed.
Working as a bartender has taught me how to function in a fast-paced environment as well as have the ability to multi-task, qualities that the hospitality industry demands.

For instance, if I needed to prepare an order that consisted of a Cosmopolitan, Screwdriver, and r aspberry d aiquiri along with three bottles of beer and a glass of wine, I need to know the ingredients that comprise the cocktails and the best steps for completing the order so the beverages taste their best.

Good work; just a few corrections.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / PSU Schreyers Honors Essay. NEED HELP [2]

Good afternoon.

Mechanically, watch your use of excessive and inappropriate use of commas. Perhaps a quick refresher on when to/when not to use them would help here. There are various free online guides that can help you with this.

Your introduction is very good. You give your reasoning and a generalization of your reasoning.

Your second and third paragraphs explain a noble intent; to clear up history. You are concise enough to keep the essay on topic, but detailed enough to keep your reader attentive.

Your conclusion is very appropriate; it reiterates your purpose and gives your audience closure.

This piece is a good response to the prompt, answering all of the points presented to you. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / the best aspects of an education - Personal Statement [7]

As long as your accurate information is listed under your membership information, you won't have to worry about plagiarism.

Avoid using contractions in your formal writing pieces; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.

I think the essay is going to make a personal link between your life and experiences and the field of psychology you are most interested in. I think it would be a good opening for you to discuss how you can/will conduct research to answer your questions.

What do you see as the "end" of this issue? I also hope that you will evaluate the experiences you allude to in this introduction more in the body of your piece.

Undergraduate / Duquesne University essay; You never know what event in your life is going to change your life. [4]

You could think about a way to tie the pharmacy career with your desire to be a minister. Do they have any similarities in your mind? Do they go hand-in-hand to you? Smoothing the transition between these two paragraphs would be a good idea, and would help you with your word count.

Undergraduate / Doodles - Undergrad Admission Essay for Cornell....not finished yet! [2]

Good afternoon.

Just a couple of thoughts.

First, avoid contractions in your formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate.

Second, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns; for example, "Sharpie" should be capitalized.

Other than that, a very attentive piece. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Going to a public school - uf essay [2]

"Removed; this is too much background that really doesn't have anything to do with the rest of your piece. Rework it to make it more relevant to the piece or remove it completely.

A little disorganized; I'm not sure what the event that impacted you is, or how it will influence your time on a college campus. You've got a good rough draft, but work on focusing it a bit more.

Undergraduate / U of Miami Getting Started on inspiration [2]

Good afternoon.

A couple of mechanical suggestions. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. Second, there is a typo in your quote: "...interest at heart ..." Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "realized."

"Parent's" should be "Parents' "

The comma after "practice" should be removed.

There should be a semi colon after "...on those around her; ..."

Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

Your content is good. You describe your friend well, as well as her influence on you. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Volunteered at a hospital, specializing in the treatment of leukemia and cancer diagnosed children [5]

Good afternoon.

Because the prompt was not included in the posting, I can edit for mechanics and grammar only:

"This summer I volunteered at a hospital specializing in the treatment of leukemia and cancer diagnosed in children. I was assigned a position on the second floor and asked to mandate the ...

I also developed a strong relationship with the mothers who came along with their children and often talked about their kids and their improvement.
(New paragraph) My time spent at the hospital was a major reality check because I realized that compared to the problems and challenges the patients and their families faced every day, my seemingly magnanimous problems were, in fact, nonexistent. I was touched by the fact that the patients and their families, rather than cowering in the face of a life-threatening disease, displayed a large amount of courage, support, and optimism. I came to realize the true depth of my experience when Luke, a timid three-year-old who had previously never left his mom's side, came running to me and clung on to my hand. (New paragraph) Through my time spent at the hospital, I learned compassion and glimpsed humanity at its best. True, I was initially displaced from my comfort zone and hesitant about the idea of working with ill patients, but the lessons that I learned there were those that are now permanently drilled into my heart."

Great essay. A touching story.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania: most interest you / favorite Penn professor [2]

Good afternoon.

First, a few mechanical concerns.

Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Entrepreneurial and Finance" should not be capitalized.

Also, avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing, as it is inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

I think the content of the first response answers the prompt effectively. You discuss at length each point in the prompt with well organized, descriptive paragraphs that flow together nicely.

In regards to the second essay, note the same mechanical suggestions as above. In regards to content, you again articulate clearly who you would like to study with and why. This piece is also well organized and the sentences flow together nicely. Good work.

Undergraduate / 'the gruesome scene in summer' - Life Experience Common App. Essay [2]

Excellent essay. Very organized, good flow, very descriptive. You stay on topic and answer the prompt very well. You could add a section to the end discussing how this event has impacted you in the long-run; other than that, I think you've got a great piece.

Undergraduate / My research project Common APP 150 words extra-curricular commitment [2]

Good afternoon.

It is probably this browser, but I can't tell what is at the beginning of the essay :) Sorry, I can't help there.

"I heaved a sigh of relief as those timings appear on the computer screen. Our research project to parallelizeI'm not sure what this word is supposed to mean. Can you clarify?the H.264 Scalable Video Coding encoder proved to be a success. I joined the CenTaD student research in the 11th grade, feeling confident that my mathematical foundation and programming skills would enable me to work on a large project. I applied to a project in collaboration with the Agency for Science, Technology and Research (A*STAR) Institute of High Performance Computing due to my interests in software engineering and algorithms. As the leader of the group, I was responsible in spearheading research directions and maintaining a healthy working relationship with our project mentors. We spent countless days and nights meeting deadlines and reading through algorithm textbooks and H.264 documentations. In the end, we made it; more importantly, I learned to work together with people and finding systematic solutions to problems."

The content seems to be very streamlined; you do a good job putting a lot of information in a very small space. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / I'm from Hong-Kong - common app essay! [4]

Good afternoon.

I really like your opening; it is truthful and clearly honest. You are showing your true feelings during a very real situation. You are writing you, and you can never go wrong with that. It is very attention-grabbing, and that is also always good. :)

I like the sponge metaphor; it really works for this piece. You are very descriptive about the whole situation, and it absolutely keeps your audience's attention.

One mechanical correction though. When you are "referring" to words in quotation marks as you do in this piece, make sure you are enclosing them in double (") quotation marks and not singular ones.

I really enjoyed reading this essay. Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Why I applied to Molloy - I need some help with my admission essay [2]

Good afternoon.

I would discuss the specific aspects of Molloy that drew you to it. What is it specifically about this institution that made you decide that this was the perfect place for you? The prompt wants to know what motivated you to choose them, so focus on that and not so much historical background.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com