Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]

You'd have a problem if you were the one who used somebody else's answers. Providing those answers is another category altogether and, outside of the realm of strictly worded cheating policies, does not make you "a cheater." So, yes, feel free to write about this incident and what you learned from it.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


Liebe, the writer engaged in lively meditation following the relatively mundane experience of falling asleep while studying. This is an example par excellence of intellectual vitality. People with true intellectual vitality don't need especially stimulating experiences or prompts to exercise their minds. This story shows that the writer is one of those people. I think that, if s/he makes the changes I recommended, college admissions officers will see that.

Grammar, Usage / When to use "to+ -ing"? [9]

Here "to" is a preposition.
Here, the "to" goes along with "look forward" no matter whether a verb, a noun, or any other word follows it:

I look forward to good weather.
I look forward to going outside.
I look forward to my next vacation.
I look forward to summer.

Prepositions are always followed by the "ing" form of a verb.

Do not confuse this with the infinive ("to + verb") form of a verb, in which the "to" functions as part of the verb rather than as a preposition.

Undergraduate / "When there's a will, there a way." - Common App Essay [5]

Good revision, but let's not give the ending away in the title. If you do use a title, use something other than the quote. Also, just fyi, the saying is "where there's a will, there's a way," not "when there's a will there's a way." Note the internal rhyme and the consistency in "where" (place) and "way" (route).

Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]


Hmmm... In the U.S., "one night stand" means a one-time sexual encounter. I'd agree that right before an exam is not the best time for such recreation, but I wonder if you were meaning to say "staying up all night" or "all night study session."

Undergraduate / "I eat fish" common app + uc app essay [8]

Once again my friends gave me stares, some snickered, but I just thought to myself, " their loss."

Book Reports / Paired Text Essay: Their Eyes Were Watching God and A Farewell to Arms. [4]

Or you could use the phrase, just being sure to explain your interpretation of it as clearly and concisely as you do here.

Undergraduate / RISD SHORT ESSAY [16]

First is fine, but I prefer the third. Place is hot right now as a topic in the arts, so if you could say much more than you do here, really evoking the place and its effect on you, that might be very apt for RISD.

Scholarship / "Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." Rhodes Scholarship Essay [7]

Yes, there are many interesting and potentially relevant facts but no organization in this essay. Sketch out an outline for yourself, putting the most important things you want to say into some coherent order. Then shuffle your sentences and paragraphs accordingly, omitting any that are not needed. Post a revision and then we can get down to the sentence level in dealing with your grammatical errors.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]

Oh, I disagree with Sean and Liebe. Your intellectual vitality is shown by the imagery and the intellect with which you write. Nonetheless, it will be necessary to go further. Omit the line, "Geez, but not more than writing this college essay," which is an utterly weak way to follow such a strong narrative. Now what? You found your reflections on the dream to be intellectually engaging? Those reflections show an acute interest in the question of how different cultures intersect in you, not to mention a strong creative streak. So, you could say something about how even an event as trivial as falling asleep while studying provokes you to reflect on complex issues such as cultural intermixing and then go on to say that you will bring the same spirit of creative inquiry to your studies at the school to which you are applying.

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]

Hmmm... I can't see the piece. In future, don't remove an essay until you post the replacement. But I do want to encourage you not to start with an assumption of failure. Undoubtedly that will creep between the lines into the essay somehow. Set your mind on writing something that shows why Yale ought to accept you. What do you bring that other students with comparable SATs and whatnot don't bring?

Undergraduate / Art university communication and design department - how should i end my sop? [5]

I'm disturbed that your essay begins with two paragraphs about problems or failures. Start, instead, with some stories or facts that illustrate your strengths. Then explain the problems if you must. Let us see the revision of that before we talk about how to end the piece.

Writing Feedback / Appearance and society values--An GRE issue [9]


I think we have quite a few forum members from China. Perhaps one of you could start a new thread under "student talk" to discuss the unique challenges you face in shifting to English.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]

Now you've lost the liveliness while increasing the hyperbole. Play with the thesaurus. You want something that conveys both number and busyness.

Undergraduate / RISD SHORT ESSAY [16]


Yes, just one is fine.


We don't know your life, so we cannot say.


There are plenty of similar essays on this site. Browse around within undergraduate admissions essays.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument ---antibiotics study results [7]


The "all" in this sentence seems to be the place to attack.

You make a coherent argument about sampling but I am torn about it. This article appeared in a medical newsletter. If the study was performed at an institution of sufficient credibility for its studies to be written up in a medical newsletter, then we can assume that the research review board of the institution required that standard sampling procedures be followed. A study with healthy adolescents in one group and ailing elders in the other would not be approved. Indeed, procedures to avoid such an outcome would be required. These procedures would be reported in the full research report but would be too lengthy to list in a newsletter (although it would be good for the writer of such a newsletter article to note that all of the patients were at the same level of health or that muscle injury patients were randomly sampled over a period of time).

What I'm trying to say here is that I wonder if you are, in this essay, inadvertently demonstrating that you don't know that medical research is supervised and that things like sampling and consent are overseen by review boards that ensure that basic scientific and ethical procedures are followed. Either way, I feel sure that what they want you to focus on is the major logical error in the last sentence. Even if the study is valid, we cannot conclude that all patients diagnosed with muscle strain ought to be treated with antibiotics.

Research Papers / Cysteamine HCl [3]

So? You've got some information about Cysteamine HCl. Why have you written these few sentences? What do you want from us? Grammar help?

Your first sentence needs an "a" before "white" and goes wrong in the midst of the list.

Second sentence:
Cysteamine HCl is the main raw material of the ranitidine and cimetidine.

Third sentence:
Cysteamine HCl also can be used in the production of cosmetics, animal feed additives, chemical and biological reagents and heavy metal ions.

Undergraduate / from africa to usa (how to start my personal statement?) [7]

Start in Africa. End in the U.S.A. Otherwise, we need more information, as everyone else has already said.

Undergraduate / 'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement [10]


While I enjoy the images this puts in my mind -- loose-leaf pages walking around on little legs, textbooks teeming with little people -- I don't think "populous" is quite the word you're looking for.

Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]


I disagree. The prompt is not "talk about yourself, disguising it as talking about someone else," which is of course what most applicants do. The writer does a good job of telling the dramatic story and also, in the last paragraph, explains that "Because of him, I discovered hope. I saw the true meaning of sacrifice through his actions." The only thing needed, content-wise, is to perhaps add an anecdote showing how the writer puts this hope or this dedication to others into practice.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


No. It should not be capitalized.

Writing Feedback / GRE: Knowledge and Rejection of Authority [5]

This essay is awfully slight for a GRE essay. You make one point ("not always"), support it with a couple of examples (one of them inaccurate), and that's it. Remember that the GRE essay is not only a writing test but also a thinking test. Demonstrate your ability to think complexly and critically.

Undergraduate / Interaction with one another, University of Miami essay [6]


I'm not sure what this sentence means.


What statement? The one about laughing? You need to make this more clear.

Writing Feedback / Appearance and society values--An GRE issue [9]


No, but it does -- as the writer states -- say something about the ruling culture's attitudes towards women's rights. However, the word that should have been used is "must" not "should." By saying "should," that author implied that she or he believes Iranian women ought to cover themselves.

But that is a minor point. This essay makes one good point by means of an example -- that it easy to misread a culture, as Europeans misread Native American culture -- but spends far too long on introductory comments (e.g., the comments about smoking and mountain climbing) and not enough time engaging the question in an intellectually sophisticated manner. This is the GRE, not a TOEFL or IELTS essay. The aim is to demonstrate the capacity to engage a question in a complex manner that demonstrates critical thinking and advanced learning.

There are intimations of such thought in this essay. I see the beginnings of the argument that this question cannot be answered simply because, while there is both internal and external pressure to conform, some people do not conform. At which people does one look, then, when trying to judge a culture by its clothing?

But this and other ideas are presented in a disorganized fashion and not developed sufficiently. So, I would recommend that you (a) think, and (b) outline before beginning to write. Think through all of the arguments you could make, decide which things you are going to say, and then organize them logically. When writing, keep your sentence structures simple, as you are still mastering English, and be especially careful with verb tenses.

Undergraduate / How to use names of current students in an college admission essay? [5]

Right, as in all things relational, informed consent is the key. Make sure they know for what purpose you will be using their names. If you are going to paraphrase something they said or a conversation you had, run the summary by them to make sure it's consistent with their recollections and that you are not disclosing something they would rather not have disclosed (such as their attitude toward their College Algebra teacher or their crush on the College President.)

Undergraduate / Penn State Personal Statement - 'activities or experience' [5]


This is a waste of your few precious allowed characters. Cut this and use the characters to say in more detail what you did at the Marketplace.

Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]

Yes, the story is cute. But it's slight, not leaving much room for you to provide information about yourself that might help you get into Stanford. I wonder if there's some way to slip some more information, or perhaps another story, in between the penultimate and last paragraphs?

Writing Feedback / I laid there,hoping that I could pass into the void & never return; PATIENCE [6]

Also, Kenneth, I just noticed your so-called feedback to other members:

"i really like it..."

and

"love it"

After that, you expect forum members to spend their time reading this very long piece and giving you detailed feedback on it? Nope. That's just not fair. I'm locking this thread until I see that you've given real, detailed feedback to two other users. I would not do this if your writing skills were so low that you would have a hard time giving feedback to others. But, obviously, if you are capable of writing a piece of this length and complexity, you are capable of providing useful feedback to other forum members.

Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]

So, now you've dropped all reference to Pakistan even though, if I read your first essay correctly, the situation in that country is indeed both an "extenuating circumstances" and a unique aspect of your background. I wonder if there is some way to embed this narrow discussion of your maths and electronics background in the wider context of your life and aspirations?

Writing Feedback / I laid there,hoping that I could pass into the void & never return; PATIENCE [6]

You've got this listed under "undergraduate admission essays." Have you, indeed, written it for that purpose? What purpose do you hope to serve by using such a fantastical story as your admissions essay? To showcase your creative writing? Will you also be turning in an essay (as opposed to a short story)?

As you can perhaps tell, I'm dubious about this strategy. It's always a gamble to risk everything on a fictional work, and the theme of this fictional work -- with its ultimately bloody depiction of a kill -- might raise a red flag in readers' minds.

Undergraduate / many different environments and people - FSU ADMISSION ESSAY-ARTES [5]

As it currently stands, this essay is a blend of excellent details and trite/vague phrases. What you want to do is keep all of the statements that are specific, elaborate with more specificity on some of the topics (such as "how to engage individuals, ethnic groups, and global communities to participate in projects that benefits the majority"), and get rid of empty or over-used phrases such as "had a great time" or "expand my comfort zone."

Writing Feedback / 'Given name from God' - UNC- Chapel Hill College Essay [4]


Huh? Unless you belong to a faith that believes that the deity literally spells out the name placed on the birth certificate, "Emily Janelle" is the name your parents chose for you.


According to this prompt, all that you should be writing is information you would like them to know. Do you really want the admissions committee to know that you like texting? No, of course not! As you say, this is something average about you, nothing special enough to include in a special addendum to an application.

What should you include: Working at Wendys, working at the Y, and being the first in your family to go to college.

However, do not say that being the first in your family is the main reason you want to go to college. The main reason to go to college is to get an education in whatever you want to study. Being the first in your family to go will be a source of pride and also will motivate you to do your very best, so as to succeed and become a role model for younger family members.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Subjects like art should be a part of child's education, it's a beneficial and necessary trend [13]

The problem with this as an opening is that art and music appreciation courses are well established, having been in place for decades. The current trend, unfortunately, is for such programs to be cut back or shut down due to lack of funding.

Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]

The first essay is a lively and engaging narrative that has next to nothing to do with the prompt. You can stay with this story if and only if you are able to describe the different cognitive styles of yourself and your teammates and if your own style is sufficiently singular that you can explain your assertion that your way of thinking will bring diversity to a university already teeming with thinkers.

Writing Feedback / Do you believe that change is a "good and necessary" thing? [5]


Study up on articles, as you sometimes leave them out. Also, be aware of plurals; you often neglect to add the necessary "s."

Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]


It was off-putting to me, as it seemed to equate the importance of winning an award and losing one's life.

Undergraduate / "The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1 [9]


That's a fine addition to the essay.

Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]


Right, but you must also at least sketch the range of your interests and aspirations too.

Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]

First, I'm sure you don't mean to do this, but you come off as exceedingly arrogant in your recitation of this event. Everybody else froze but you and only you knew what to do. The father was a mess but you and only you were in control of your emotions. The EMTs wanted you and only you to ride along.

Even if all of that is true, you need to tell the story much more humbly.

And please don't brag about the terrible decision to have multiple people call 911. All you did was tie up the 911 lines, not only increasing the chance of a delay in getting help for your friend but also forcing 911 operators who could have been answering other emergency calls to redundantly respond to the call about your friend. Have you no empathy for whoever might have gotten less speedy help because of that decision? Or was your friend, and only your friend, the important one?

You see how these two types of self-centeredness tie together? Seriously, that's not how you want to portray yourself to UC. Rewrite the story with more feeling and less self-aggrandizement. Don't mention the multiple 911 calls unless it's to say that you now understand that to have been an understandable mistake.

Undergraduate / Very short response to Brown supplement [8]

Hmm... Brown is green and this told you that Brown is the place to be because you are openly gay. While I personally am aware of the emerging progressive literature linking LGBT and environmental issues -- I'll be happy to direct you to some readings -- I doubt that the connection will be clear to most readers. So, stay with this incident if that is when it truly "clicked" for you, but be more expansive in explaining the link.