Undergraduate / The MIU of Arts & Design school can help me to become a brand owner and to open a fashion store [3]

Serji, here is a word of advice, don't be so presumptuous in your essay. The way you talk, it sounds like you expect the university to do all of the work when it comes to you achieving your dreams. While you do use the word "help" in some instances, the strong personality that you have on paper comes across as a bit too strong. That is not a good thing. You need to learn to balance your strong personality with your desire to have the school help you achieve your dreams.

Try to become more specific. Mention the classes that you are sure you will excel in because it relates to your dreams of becoming a brand owner. Discuss how you see yourself excelling in those subjects based upon the requirements of the course, all of which are designed to help you achieve your dreams. Make sure that you let the reviewer know that you have a clear academic study path that you are going to undertake as a student at MIU. Don't just offer general statements that you expect, you know, you are convinced, that the university is capable of delivering what you need in order to succeed in achieving your ambition. It doesn't work that way. Always show the reviewer that you are conscious of the fact that achieving your dream is a team effort, not something that will rely on the university offerings and training abilities alone :-)

Undergraduate / "Family tragedy taught me my strength" - Georgetown's "describe yourself" essay [3]

Lilbean, this is a very heartfelt and emotional essay that you have written. You most certainly put yourself out there with a story that more than details your transition from childhood to adulthood. The mere fact that you did not blame your father for becoming an addict and that you allowed him to re-enter your life when he was finally well shows a maturity and sense of forgiveness that is normally found in people far older and more mature in intellect than those your age. I certainly believe that this essay will give the admissions officer something to ponder regarding your abilities as a student and your maturity as a person. This is definitely an essay that will be of benefit to your application.

However, it has some minor work that needs to be done before you can actually submit it for consideration. Double check your grammar. In your first paragraph, you need a transition sentence that will tell the reviewer that your father was the one who began talking as your mother looked at you from across the table. At the moment, it seems like you are using the wrong pronoun in the paragraph because your mother is a "she" and yet you continued to refer to a "he" throughout the first paragraph. Review the essay for any grammar mistakes then post it again here for a final review :-)

Undergraduate / 'To solve the undiscovered' - Coming of Age Common Application Essay [3]

Maggie, your essay is right up the alley of the informal accomplishment that marked your transition to adulthood. The way that you were able to accomplish this in a professional setting tells the reviewer that you are fast becoming a highly intellectual, professional, and responsible individual. In fact, the essay shows your ability to work on your own and accomplishing difficult tasks. All of which, when combined, makes you come across as a potentially excellent student addition to their roster.

However, the essay had a slight deviation when you referred to your childhood. What is the sense in taking the reviewer back to when you were 5 years old? You were already successfully engaging him in the idea that you are a person who is already far mature than your actual living years would lead him to believe. Don't lessen the impact that the impression of your essay made by doing that. My opinion, is that you should delete that paragraph because it pulls the essay back instead of propelling it forward.

After you remove that part, should you decide to do so, the essay will just need some grammar correction and paragraph editing to help it enter is final form. Then your essay will finally be ready to submit :-)

Graduate / Here is my essay for Carey Business school of John Hopkins. I need your advices. [5]

Okay, this essay certainly delivers all of the components of your prompt requirements. However, the fact that you only finished in the top 20 of the team rankings makes me wonder if this is the most effective and relevant story that you have to share with the reviewer. Somehow, I feel like the kind of story that this prompt response should contain must represent a successful or winning undertaking on your part. It would add to the strength of your story and allow the reviewer to consider you an accomplished person or professional who knows how to get his teammates to deliver the desired work results.

If you don't have any experience that can show off your winning leadership skills, then we can just edit this essay to make it sound more successful than it actually is. After all, first impressions count in any essay so if we can deliver your winning personality and leadership style very early in the essay, then this statement should become even more beneficial to your application. So, let me know if you can revise the experience or if I should just help you edit this current essay so we can make it stronger :-)

Siyu, I think that the experience that you have with the badminton team should help enhance this essay. The reasons why I believe that it will help strengthen your essay is because as the leader of a team. you had to accomplish a number of things in order to lead your team to victory. The first thing you had to accomplish was the camaraderie of the individual members in order for them to form an effective team. Once the team was formed, you had to encourage them to work together, specially during the doubles matches in order to ensure a victory. Then of course, there is the fact that you were the person who led them to victory through encouragement and (maybe) creating the strategy for game play. All of which are factors that, when put together, creates the perfect example of a person with exemplary leadership skills.

So, what I would like you to do is revise the essay to reflect those points that I just mentioned. Highlight the fact that you were the team captain and never forget to mention the obstacles or hardships that came your way as you tried to establish the badminton team. That will establish the fact that you have the ability to inspire others to action and to victory in the process. Once you establish such an image for yourself, then your essay will be one that carries memorable instances that the reviewer just might take note of and refer to once it comes time to consider your application for admission :-)

Can we work on a new version of your essay? If you are willing to write it, I am more than willing to edit it :-)

Undergraduate / Stanford, intellectual vitality prompt: "The steady walk of the upright bass..." [3]

Hiromu, don't worry about your response. It is a highly creative way of expressing your response to the prompt. You gave a very animated response that definitely showed two aspects of development in you as a person: your musicality through your learning how to play Jazz music, and your keen sense of observation, because of the way that you learned how to play the music genre sounds.

Now, with regards to your sense of observation, you certainly expressed the way that you learned how to listen and understand others because you had to learn how to play Jazz by observing others. However, when you talk about the way that your listening skills developed, try to be a bit more specific and apply it to either normal academic or everyday situations. That way you show the reviewer that your intellectual vitality extends not only to your academic, but your personal and social lives as well.

Undergraduate / All my life I have been taught to ask why, to question, to explore - "WHY BROWN?" Supplement essay [5]

Elani, you have written a pretty good response to the statement prompt. However, it sounds too general and doesn't really allow you to present yourself as a student who is eager to become part of the Brown University community. All your references to the way that the study system is open and allows you to experiment with subjects is the kind of response that can actually be applied to a number of other universities. So you need to get specific about that aspect of Brown in your response.

Try to use references to actual study or teaching methods at Brown that you feel you will be participating in. Make sure that you create a personal connection, message, or sentiment regarding your choice of Brown for your studies. Don't just leave the response like this. It has room for improvement and it all starts with a simple revision of the way you have presented your response. Add some pertinent information to the answer and your response should be all set to use :-)

Graduate / "an incoming generation of innovative leaders in financial industry"; MIT Sloan 'experiences' essay [4]

Siyou, I suggest that you speak of your long and short term goals in a manner of years instead of just simply inferring that you are talking about a short or long term goal. It is always most helpful for the reviewer to see that you have an actual career plan usually covering 3-5 years for short term goals and 10-20 years for the long term plans. Also, it doesn't hurt to refer to a Plan A and Plan B for your career goals as you have presented in this essay. I suggest that you keep that reference for the benefit of the reviewer.

While the essay responds to most of the prompt requirements, I suggest that you shorten the reference to your past academic experiences in order to offer space for the discussion as to how Simon business School Program is one that is a good choice for your academic studies. Normally, you are expected to discuss how the university can help you achieve your short and long term career goals in response to that part of the prompt. Pay attention to any specific internships, exchange student, or relevant training programs that they offer which have caught your attention and mention why you would be interested to participate in those educational undertakings as a student.

Scholarship / 2D and 3D in the gaming industry - scholarship essay on goals and contributions [7]

Daniel, some corrections to the grammar of your second paragraph are in order:
And now I, a second year computer science major, am pursuing my dream to become a game designer at (Name of university). I created my first ever game when I was freshman: a 2D platform game which inspired me to work in the gaming industry. Since then I have aspired to create an immersive video game where the audience can interact with the virtual environment. To achieve such goal would require me to take many inter-related classes such as mathematics, engineering, and art. Taking this course would also give me the opportunity to meet others like me who are dedicated to creating games in clubs and classes.

As for your question, yes, team building skills in relation to your work as the vice president of your organization should work. We will probably be able to enhance the reference in your essay once I see the kind of writing that you will be doing for it :-)

Writing Feedback / Time To Give Back - Peace Corps Motivation Statement Essay [5]

Cleo, what seems self explanatory to you, is required in detail by the prompt. What seems redundant to you because of your motivational statement is not redundant to the reviewer because you are expected to deliver additional information relevant to the prompt provided. Hence, the essay you submit for this particular prompt should be different in content from the motivational letter.

The information you provide should allow the reviewer to see a higher sense of maturity and professionalism on your part. A simple internet search of the real challenges facing the Peace Corps volunteers should help you understand that. It is not about your personal experiences, it is about how you will handle the punishing and grueling life of a Peace Corp volunteer in an actual setting. Which is far different from what you have experienced in your personal life. However, since you obviously wish to use this essay that you wrote, and do not really consider the advice that I gave you to be helpful, then go on as you wish and use this essay that you wrote for your application.

It is not my duty nor my desire to convince you that I am right in this matter. My only objective was to help improve your essay response. Mine is only unsolicited advice. So good luck with your application. I am sure that you will do well with this essay that you wrote :-)

Writing Feedback / Time To Give Back - Peace Corps Motivation Statement Essay [5]

Cleo, your response to the essay is empty. It is not offering the information that you were asked to provide in the prompt. the essay that you wrote is college common app prompt application level. It is not at the same level that would be expected of a potential Peace Corps Volunteer. Keep in mind that you are not writing a personal statement for college application here, you are applying to become and serve as one of the most self-less people on the planet. As a peace corp application reviewer, I would expect to see more of a sense of maturity, responsibility, and care for others within your response. After all, the prompt clearly asks you to write an essay that will help the Peace Corps to "assess your professionalism and maturity as a candidate." Aside from your passion for humanity, the true essence of the essay response is not represented at all.

Try to revise the essay to show a sense of professionalism and maturity in your part. Mention any socio-civic activities that relate to caring for others such as volunteering at an elderly home, helping at soup kitchen, or simply donating to those in need by participating in fund raising activities. Those are acts that will show maturity and professionalism on your part.

As a final comment, I would also like to point out that you did not manage to discuss the known difficulties of being a Peace Corps volunteer and how you plan to overcome those obstacles. Some of these difficulties include: living under adverse circumstances such as not having a proper bathroom and toilet and lack of anonymity and isolation. Since you will be serving in countries that will not have internet access or mobile phone signals, how do you plan to deal with homesickness and other emotional issues that might arise? It is important that you let the reviewer know that you are prepared for the demands of joining the corps and you have an idea as to how you can deal with the obstacles that sometimes make people quit the corps.

Undergraduate / Situations that may have had an impact, either positively or negatively, on your academic record MSU [3]

Lina, the only part of the new prompt that your essay contains as a response is the part that says"List significant activities in which you have participated, both in school and out of school." The whole essay that you wrote is just about the internship interview that you underwent. It does not, in any way, shape, or form, respond properly to the essay prompt provided by MSU.

Sadly, you are looking at a full revision of your essay because you are using an old essay to respond to a different prompt. In other words, you can't fit a square peg into a round hole. You can't reuse essays and hope to make it fit a new prompt. Unless you are answering the same prompt, all of the requirements of the new prompt are far different and specific when compared to the other prompt. So you can't use this essay at all. It is in your best interest that you develop a new essay instead.

You do not list any specific academic strengths (required information) and you have not explained why your grades as either excellent, or mediocre, based upon what your actual GPA is. You are expected to and required to explain the positive or negative results of your grades. All you have at this point is an activity that you participated in outside of school, which is only one part of the essay requirements. Any reviewer who reads this essay will know immediately that this is rehashed and you did not even try to develop an essay that accurately responds to the prompt. I repeat, do not use this current essay if you want to better your chances at admission. It just won't work.

Undergraduate / BU CGS program drew me in instantly - intrigued by the fields of Political Science and Economics [3]

Nicolette, since you have room to spare in the statement discussion, you should work on developing the CGS idea and why it drew you to BU. Remember that even though CGS covers generalized studies that allows you try on many hats, you will eventually be forced to opt for a major. Right now, your discussion is as general as the course that you are opting to enroll in at the university. You need to provide a few specifics in order to make the response feel more personal on your part.

Try to pick out a few of the general courses that relate to your interest in Political Science and Economics. One subject for each major, as long as it is a major subject of that particular course, should be discussed in relation to your interest in each field. While there are going to be academic advisers around to help you decide on a major, this statement relies more on your academic interest in the university to respond to the question. So, by allowing yourself to discuss 2 varying subjects as having drawn you to CGS, you might even end up impressing the reviewer as this will be the opportunity for you to come across as a uniquely interested student.

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon supplement on Engineering - Nature drives design. Design drives nature. [4]

Christopher, I have some points for you to consider regarding the content of your essay. You see, the essay is quite strong but falls short of delivering on some important facets that could better portray your future, interests, and pursuits at the university in a supplemental fashion. That is why I believe that you can still strengthen your essay in two specific parts.

First, when you tell the story of your friend whose leg was amputated, you mention that his prosthetic leg rekindled your interest in engineering. You should specifically build up the information that this was the turning point for your interest in biomedical engineering. That way, you can build a foundation for the information that you sought to learn about at the Governor's School.

Second, your discussion about learning under Prof. Geyer needs more of a foundation. What I would like you to do in that part is add information about the kind of futuristic goal you have for prosthetic use. Make sure that it is a project or research that the reviewers will be impressed to learn about. It has to be so cutting edge in concept, that the university adcom will find themselves saying ; "We have to admit this student for the benefit of the university."

Finally, there is this portion in your essay that seems to have skipped a few ideas when you wrote it. What do you mean by ; "Carnegie's of incorporating multiple engineering and science fields in the curriculum will allow me to pursue biomedical engineering as well as other fields of interest" Carnegie's what? Complete the thought process of the first sentence so that the paragraph will make better sense and help to support your supplemental information.

Graduate / A prospective "OSCAR" winner - Profile writing_MBA application [3]

Janet, don't make any reference to an "Oscar" award since you are not applying to film school. That makes it an irrelevant reference. Instead, discuss the traits that you mentioned in terms of your drive to succeed in life. When it comes to your professional experience, make sure to present the names of the firms that you were connected with because that is information that you would be including in your typical curriculum vitae listing. When you mention an injury that could have affected your ability to function, make sure to mention the injury and how it should have adversely affected you.

Now, when you say you are grateful, what exactly are you grateful for? Also, the last part that speaks of your desire to have a career opportunity that leverages your skills, don't place that at the very end. Make that an extended discussion, based upon the skills you presented, in the second paragraph of the essay so that it can help to reel in the reviewer and create more of an interest in your academic skills.

Speeches / 'I'm interested in many things' - Introducing Myself [9]

Ramzy, now that I know what you have to do with the introduction speech, not letter, I know how to better present the information and how to conclude it. I will present my suggested script for your video shoot below:

Hi, my name is Ramzy Salem. I'm 19 years old and I reside in Gaza, Palestine. As you can probably tell from my age, I am still in school. However, I am not a university student like most kids my age. Due to the conflict in my country, the best education I can receive is an Associate Degree in Business and Office Practice from the Gaza Community Training Center. Right now, my biggest dream in life is to attend a 4 year Business Administration college course in a country where I won't have to fear for my life each day that I go to school.

In order to go to school overseas though, I need to get a scholarship to help pay for my tuition fees. As one of the highest ranking students at the center with an average grade of 94.5%, I am trying to get a scholarship as a full scholar to an overseas university as a Business Administration student.

While I ambition to become a successful businessman in the future through my academic interests, I also enjoy extra curricular activities such as listening to music, reading and writing short novels, watching movies, playing football, web development, creating and modifying pictures, and producing music and videos.

All things considered, I would like to believe that I am the kind of college student that would have a shot at a scholarship. I hope that your scholarship committee will deem me a suitable candidate and grant me the opportunity to attend college with the financial aid of your foundation. Thank you.

This is my suggested script for your use. You can memorize this and use it in your video or you can use it to help you create your own script. Good luck with your application :-)

Speeches / 'I'm interested in many things' - Introducing Myself [9]

Ramzy, before I can give you an example of an effective closing statement for your letter, I must first understand what the purpose of your letter is. Who is the letter addressed to? Why were you asked to write this letter? What information should the letter contain? Kindly provide me with answers to my questions because only by knowing this information will I be able to help you better write and conclude your letter.

At the moment, your letter is only a simple introduction. Now, the closing address could also be just as simple, but I need to know what information is expected first. Hopefully, you can tell provide me with the guidelines I need so that I can show you a proper example of how to close this letter. Is this supposed to be a cover letter for your application? Is it supposed to be addressed to the dean of the department or someone important?

I look forward to receiving the additional information from you as soon as possible so that I can help you better develop the overall content and conclusion of your letter :-)

Writing Feedback / Technology has many disadvantages as well as advantages. [2]

Due to THE ongoing industrialization and ONGOING technological advancementS , humans are enjoying more luxuries than ever before. There are numerous gadgets with different capabilities to complete the task VARIOUS TASKS. where it TECHNOLOGY provides all amenities at everyone's doorstep, it also leaveS A bad influence on user. Despite the fact JUST LIKE every single coin THAT has two sides.

Let us discuss the worthwhile effects of technology, . in IN this contemporary era , use of technology increasing on INCREASES AT AN astronomical rate and no one can deny that technology provides THE desired output. Another asset is POSITIVE EFFECT ARE the equipment's EQUIPMENTS like computer, handheld devices, AND OTHER intelligent machinesS is givenby DEVELOPED THROUGH technology , working and living regions ACROSS REGIONS are nothing without HAVE BEEN CONQUERED BY these equipment's S, these are essential things TOOLS for life. For instance, mobile phones, a small device but powerful gadget people can use it for conference CALLS, as a camera , working tool, FOR sharing information and many more. s Similarly, THE internet it has infinite advantages on other hand AS it plays vital role in THE user's life as well as in machine's .

Now let us elaborate some detrimental DISCUSS THE NEGATIVE effects, A good environment is a part and parcel for every living being, and industrialization destroying the good DESTROYS THE climate and species of flora and fauna to extreme extinct THE POINT OF EXTINCTION. Moreover, Cars and manufacturing units create pollution which leading to global warming, AND acid rain. So many new decease DISEASES have been discovered since OVER THE last few decades, despite It have some relation with technology HAVING THE TECHNOLOGY TO CURE IT.

To sum up, there is no denying THE fact THAT the necessity is a THE mother of invention, But in this human race the only one thing is suffering that is climate. It is the responsibility of government as well as individuals to use environmental free technology. Some people advocate that its disadvantages far outweigh its advantages.

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Your conclusion does not follow the requirements of a typical essay which dictates that it should only restate the thesis, summarize the discussion, and present your opinion at the end. You can never present a new idea for discussion in a conclusion. There are also numerous grammatical errors in the essay, specifically with your spelling, that need to be addressed. Don't feel bad though, your work should improve over time provided you remember and apply the corrections that we point out to you in your essays :-)

Undergraduate / UWC Application Essay Reflecting on UWC's values [4]

Ama, the introduction is good enough. It is not as catchy as it should be but then again, the introduction is not the whole essay. So, if you have a good introduction but fail to build upon that introduction in the rest of the essay, you will not have really developed a piece of written work that will work to fulfill your needs.

At the moment, I don't want you to concentrate on just the introduction, just focus on developing the other more important aspects of the essay because your introduction already works. It is enough to keep the reviewer reading well into your second paragraph. So your focus should be on making sure that you will be able to keep him interested in reading the rest of the essay. You can only do that by better developing the rest of your content. When you are done with the essay, we can opt to revise the essay to make it more interesting if we need to do that :-)

Undergraduate / "Team Wales has won this debate" Common Application essay about prompt number 2 - Failure [3]

El, your discussion needs to come from a more personal level. Don't waste the space by discussing a blow by blow account of how your team lost the debate. Simply summarize the loss and the aftermath of the loss to the team. More specifically, discuss how the loss affected you as a person, not necessarily as a member of the team.

While you can discuss how the loss affected the team, you need to present a more personal aspect of the loss on your part. The lessons that you learned don't really reflect any real, life or character altering lesson on your part. The lessons seems to be on a superficial level that just has to do with your realization as a member of the debate team and how you can improve in the future. Where is the character development? How can this loss relate into your coming into a better understanding of yourself as a person? How did you become better because of the loss? Explain how the loss affected your personal side. Regardless of the debate team.

There is much room for improvement in the way that you developed this essay. Just make sure to revise the important points that I addressed above for starters. That will help you better develop your prompt response.

Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement Essay - Human Robot and Art [6]

Changing up the content of the essay definitely worked in your favor. It comes across as better developed, insightful, and informative when compared to your first work. However, with only two paragraphs covering the whole discussion, I am wondering if you are not missing something or under discussing a part of the essay? Are you sure you have covered all the possible conversation bases in the essay?

If you have, then all that is left to do at this point is to develop an impressive closing statement. Unless, I am mistaken and the end of the second paragraph was meant to serve as the closing statement? In which case, the essay becomes too short. Try to add a third paragraph in order to meet the standard 3 paragraph format of all academic essays. It won't hurt for you to expand your discussion into a conclusion that showcases what you hope to learn by the end of the seminar in robotic art and how you hope to apply what you learned to your actual work. That is just a suggestion for you. You are free to develop your own closing statement for this essay. I am sure you will be able to develop one that will continue to make the essay as impressive as it is now.

Undergraduate / "Daddy, can we together build an airplane in the shape of a teddy bear?" - WashU Engineering essay [2]

Chen, I would suggest that you cut down on the backgrounder for your story. The part about the airplane shaped like a teddy bear and its accompanying discussion is really not as impressive as it may sound. In fact, it is unrealistic to believe that a child of that age would be as keen and interested in Engineering as you portray it in your story. I would rather that you start your essay at the age of fifteen. That is normally the age when the young adult begins to think about their future and are able to positively learn from the influence of their parents. Do not diminish the influence of your father in your choice of career. Just make sure that the influence corresponds to an influential age on your part in order to gain maximum effectiveness.

Try to develop your idea as to how your engineering degree can help you make a difference in the world. That discussion should be more interesting and relevant because this is your opportunity to showcase your dreams for your future career and explain how the degree can help you achieve that. Opt only for one dream as an Engineer instead of multiple ideas. Develop just one in the most interesting manner possible if you wish to make your essay more competitive for the scholarship application. One highly developed idea is better than two under developed ideas.

Undergraduate / Brandeis Supplement Essay for what is your dream 250 words or fewer [3]

El, you cannot use the same essay topic in "What is your dream?" as the one in "What will you change?". This will come across to the reviewer as laziness and a lack of serious interest in your application on your part. That is the last thing you want to do. All college applicants are cautioned against submitting essays of the same subject and discussion for differing prompts. I can tell you right now that this essay will ruin your chances of admission. You have to change it and present a different topic if you want to better your chances of attending Brandeis.

Surely you can take the time to reflect and find a different dream to discuss in this essay. Remember, you need to discuss your vision for your future or the future of your country. If you want to discuss your dream for your country, then think of what else you can fix in your country aside from the educational system. You already mentioned the corrupt elections in your country, so why not dream of fixing the electoral system somehow? Discuss why that dream is important to you and how it affects the future of your country. Don't just keep falling back on the same topic of education. You need to prove your versatility as a student and show the reviewer that you are a socially conscious and responsible person by the discussion of varying essay topics in different prompts.

Scholarship / 2D and 3D in the gaming industry - scholarship essay on goals and contributions [7]

Hi Daniel, I am wondering if there is a way to merge your interest in computer game design with your community service? It always come across as highly impressive when you can tell the reviewer that your passion for your potential college major has had a significant impact upon the community that you belong to. While I admire the social work that you have been doing in the community, I am just thinking of certain ways and means by which you can highlight the connection of your academic interests, with your social consciousness. It is not required though and your essay works just fine without it.

One aspect that I happen to find lacking at the moment, is a reference to your academic goals. While you mention the development of your passion for gaming and your studies in the field, you don't really present a solid career plan that could signify your academic goals. What are your plans as a student? Do you aspire to create an app that could "change the world" so to speak? What kind of app is that? How can the university help you develop it? That is an academic goal that you can actively pursue at the university.

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

Mohammad, take the essay that I wrote above and insert the topics that you mentioned as lacking in my development of your essay. As I mentioned before, it is short because it needs additional information from your end. Since you now have a clear idea of the kind of important and relevant information that you want to include in the essay, go ahead and add it. My role will be to make sure that it merges and flows smoothly with the essay that I developed as a template for you.

You can also opt to just mention the information that you wish to have added to the essay in your response to this post. From there, I can lift it and develop your essay further. I will then post the new version here for your comments, additions, or approval. We can develop the essay better if we work together on the content and form :-) What do you say? I'll await your decision.

Undergraduate / Flagler Admissions Essay, The topic is to write about a single event or theme that describes [2]

Kimberly, I applaud you for your statement. This is a topic that I believe will touch the heartstrings of the reviewer since animal rights and causes are close to the hearts of everyone in the country. The mere topic of saving animals, albeit a dog in this case, shows that you are a person with a kind heart who does not take kindly to the maltreatment of the helpless. As a student, this shows that you will be an asset to their university because of your kind heart and close affiliation to a cause.

Now, when you discuss the part about changing the lives of a small few, I suggest that you continue the discussion by mentioning either the activities that you participated in at the shelter, or the programs that you helped them start. Don't bother with discussing how you hope the university can help you further your cause. That is not something required in the prompt. Your concentration should be on recreating your character on paper, as the prompt requires. So expand on the discussion about saving animals and how you participated in it. The reviewer will be able to put two and two together as to how that will translate into the kind of student that you will be at their university.

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Hiromu,. while there are no right or wrong answers to this essay prompt, it is also important that you do not come across as a suck up in the essay. So saying that this essay is important to you because it is for submission to Stanford does not gain you any extra points with the reviewer. That statement doesn't matter to him and you just wasted your valuable word count.

Neither did the rest of your essay deliver a response that tells the reviewer something about you as a person. You need to go beyond the superficial and go for the really intellectual, emotional, or social aspects of the prompt. What matters most to you and why? The question asks you to reflect upon your life. As a person who has experiences X number of years alive, what have you learned to value in your life? Or the lives of others? Think seriously about your response.

The essay prompt will give the reviewer an insight as to the kind of person you are and if you have any positive personal values that will be an asset to the university. Are you the kind of person who will be a good addition to their roster of students? That can only be determined by the kind of person you are beyond academic rankings and academic pursuits. What matters to you? In terms of principle, goals, virtues, etc. Those are the kinds of response that you should be developing for the essay.

Your current response is superficial and does not help your application in any way. Try to revise it to create a more serious aspect of your personality, then you will have a chance to create the response that will work best for the prompt.

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern? It offers a top-tier education with its scenic lakefront campus [4]

Wendi, while you wrote a heartfelt essay, you did not really relay the unique qualities that Northwestern University has that appealed to you as a student. You relied mostly on your background as a student and your extra curricular activities at the start of the essay, which had nothing to do with the qualities of the university. So that alone made your essay non-prompt responsive and as such, really not useful to your needs.

Even towards the end, when you mention Northwestern, it does not seem like you had given any thought as to how you can best respond to the prompt. You just rattled off a response that is generic at best, regarding the importance of a college education. That is not the best way to impress the reviewer. You need to revise the content of the essay to contain a more personal approach to the prompt and an explanation as to the qualities that you feel make Northwestern the best university of choice for you. That would best represent the unique qualities of the university that you should be discussing in the prompt.

Undergraduate / Why Knox? -Knox College and experiential learning- [4]

Shuto, keep the quote that you have at the start of your essay. It works very well with what I have in mind for your revision. At the moment, your essay delves too much on your experience with the Japanese educational system and how you were introduced to Knox College. Rather than doing that, I want you to concentrate on the idea of Liberal Arts education instead.

Why concentrate on the aspect of Liberal Arts education? You said so yourself, your Japanese education was quite constrictive in a sense and the Knox method of education is something that you feel will be an excellent learning experience for you. So concentrate on that.

In answer to the question "Why Knox?" Focus on the reasons why you feel that a Liberal Arts education is best suited for you. Just make mention of how the Japanese learning environment affected your love for education and how you feel the Knox experience can change that through its Liberal Arts classes and open learning environment. Keep the part where you talk about learning in a school in Connecticut, but mention the school name along with the experience. It is important to present verifiable information to the reviewer in order to ensure that they will take your application seriously. Yes, colleges and universities now have a tendency to double check the claims you make in your essays so always make sure to mention specifics in your application.

Speeches / 'I'm interested in many things' - Introducing Myself [9]

Ramzy, here is my take on your introduction:

Hello,

I am Ramzy Salem. I am 19 years old and I come from Gaza, Palestine. As you can probably guess, I am still a student. I am currently enrolled at the Gaza Community Training Center in my last year of study for an associate degree in Business and office Practice. After I graduate, I hope to go on to a 4 year university course majoring in business Administration.

Not to brag but, I am one of the best students at the training center at the moment. I have a grade ranking of 94.5 %. A grade that I hope will help me gain entry into your university as a Business Administration student.

While I ambition to become a successful businessman in the future through my academic interests, I also enjoy extra curricular activities such as listening to music, reading and writing short novels, watching movies, playing football, web development, creating and modifying pictures, and producing music and videos.

At the moment, what you lack is an effective closing statement. Do you have any idea as to what you want to say? By the way, who are you addressing this letter to? If you are addressing it to the university reviewer, you might be using too much of an informal tone. You need to sound academic when addressing the officials of the university.

Undergraduate / A nostalgic experience with the reality of humanity. [3]

Anthony, while you have presented a very informative essay, it does not respond to the prompt properly. I would suggest that you change your prompt to the following instead:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

If you review the essay that you have written, you will notice that the story that you related better delivers a response to the above prompt rather than the :

accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Passing your English language classes does not signify the proper transition from childhood to adulthood in your culture, community, or family. These are normally rights of passage that are done through generations and signify the passing of more responsibility, trust, or acknowlegement of your equality with the adults in the community. Your current essay does not deliver any of those factors and therefore, cannot be considered the proper response to the prompt.

However, you do not have to write a new essay that is more prompt responsive. You can just opt to switch prompts in order to save yourself the bother of having to write a new essay. I normally suggest that students do this when I can see, and it is quite obvious, that there are other common app prompts that the essay can better fit into. I hope you consider this suggestion as well :-)

Undergraduate / UWC Application Essay Reflecting on UWC's values [4]

Ama, try to expand upon the contribution that you hope to make to the UWC community as student there. don 't just say that you want to make people familiar with the happiness of the Nigerians. Use the opportunity to make your culture better known and influential in a positive manner to the student community. Try to explain how you hope to accomplish a change in the way that the world views your country by sharing your true culture and heritage with them at UWC. Make sure to imply that you want to change the terrorist image of your country by showing your classmates how you value the mission and goal of UWC.

Your current essay is good, but can be made better if you create a more serious focus on what you hope to experience at the school through the sharing of your Nigerian values. Don't just rely on the mission and vision of the university to help you change the way people view Nigerians. Try to find some specific values that your culture shares with UWC and create a discussion topic around it. That will help you better create the vision and reason behind your educational expectations at UWC.

Undergraduate / Applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant - why Duke [3]

Jiwan, the essay indicates that you need to explain why Duke is a good match for you as a student. So, you should be doing a comparison of your skills as a student and then, relate it to a particular program at Duke. I know that you only have 150 words to express yourself with so you need to be specific when it comes to this discussion. It seems impossible to do but, if you know what you have to do, it is possible to accomplish this.

The first thing that you have to do is look for the strongest personal reason that you feel you are a perfect match for a Duke education. Be it simply one of their programs, or subject offered, make sure that it aligns with your personal quest for knowledge and the idea that you have for your future career. In other words, discuss only 2 points. Why you chose Duke and what it is about you that you feel will be able to excel in that particular educational aspect of Duke.

Currently, you just discuss why you feel Duke is a perfect fit for you without letting the reviewer know how it applies to your personality, academic goals, or career ambitions. You need to make that relationship clear in your 150 word statement so that you can show a related response to the prompt. Don't worry about going over 150 words. You are still writing your draft response. We can help you bring down the word count the minute your essay is deemed to be in its final form :-)

Undergraduate / Wesleyan Supplement - practical value of a liberal arts education - [4]

Shuto, I believe that if you avoid the reference to the defitinion of a practical education and instead, concentrate on offering a clear example as to how it can be of benefit to you in the future, then you will be able to offer a response to the essay that shows the true practical value of a liberal arts education. Most of your discussion terms of that aspect of discussion was left under developed, with only a few lines referring to what you believe the benefits of such practices could be.

Rather than limiting yourself in your response, revise the essay to show an example of a successful implementation of a liberal arts education. This can be something fictional ( you made it up) or something that was applied in real life (an internet search can help with this). The important thing is that you are able to deliver the practical value of the liberal arts education in such a manner that shows a thorough understanding of the prompt and its requirements.

As of now, your essay concentrates too much on the theoretical instead of practical application of liberal arts and that, in my opinion, affected the impact of the essay. It weakened the essay because you decided to define liberal arts instead of proving that you understand why it is the better way of receiving an education through practical application in a real life scenario. The real life scenario that you presented needs to be developed further in order to actually be of use in this essay.

Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Kerry , when you are asked specifically about what it is that attracted you to a particular program at a certain university, do not make statements that sound so general. Saying "I want to..." is different from saying "I was attracted to Syrcacuse because..." It is the "I was attracted to..." statement that should be reflected in this essay, not the "I want to..."

Saying "I want to...' implies that the facts you are stating can be found in other universities along with Syracuse. Your statement should indicate that Syracuse was your only choice for attending this program of study because the university is the only one that can accomodate some ideas about your education that you have in mind. Syracuse should be your only choice because it is the best in this line of education. That is the line of reasoning for your choice that you should be implying and presenting in your response.

Don't waste space detailing your personal and professional experience unless you can directly relate it to the reason why you chose Syracuse. Without that connection, you just make it seem like the essay is primarily composed of fluff while you try to figure out what it is that you really want to say. Avoid doing that at all costs. Just present the facts and make sure that the reasons you chose Syracuse as a unique and personal as they can be in your presentation.

Undergraduate / Joke obsession- William and Mary Supplement- What makes you unique? [4]

Excellent work Mikayla. This is exactly the kind of essay that the reviewer would be interested in reading. You kept it light and informative, without sacrificing the seriousness of your explanation. It is, in other words, a very enjoyable essay to read. However, I believe that the essay would have been served well by an explanation or referral as to how other people view your ability to make light any given situation. Is it something that is always positively perceived? Or does it run counter to your purpose at times? Do you think that other people find this to be a unique aspect of your personality as well? Let us in on how other people have been affected by your sense of humor. Speficially, let us know if you have touched lives in a positive manner because of this.

Overall, the essay is already strong. It does contain some grammar issues but those are so minor that it does not have any negative impact on your work. I would caution you against closing the essay with a question though. That is never done in formal, academic writing. Rather, conclude your essay with a strong statement about how people view you because of your talent for puns, or how you view people who do not seem to care about making others happy. How you want to close the essay is up to you. Just don't do it with a question.

Undergraduate / Our plan to eliminate the stigma of mental illness - Princeton Supplement Essay [3]

Steven, if you revise the essay to instead concentrate on a personal extra curricular activity instead of a group activity, then your essay will be able to better explain a personal reason for your involvement in the project. It is important that you show your personal actions regarding your chosen topic because the essay prompt is looking for your hands on approach to the topic and the solution you have tried to implement for it.

While this may be an extra curricular activity that you participated in, since the only outcome was that your group raised funds for the cause does not really resonate with the reviewer. We are looking for a possible long term "participatory solution" to the problem of the "stigma" created by mental illness. So having something more relevant such as seminars, consultations, and other long term activities geared towards the education of people regarding the topic would have been more meaningful, specially if you personally participated in it, rather than simply raising funds for the cause that you have no control over.

Undergraduate / "Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done" [5]

El, you need to be more specific in your essay. How do you plan to begin implementing changes in your country with regards to the educational system considering that you will only be a fresh graduate yourself? Is the change in your educational system something that has been declared impossible to do in your country by others before you? Why did you choose to change the educational system in particular and why you do you think you will succeed where others have failed? Those are the topics that you should discuss in your response instead of discussing voter turnout problems and its related problems.

Think of the essay along these lines; people said it would be impossible to fly until the Wright Brothers successfully flew. People said distance communication was impossible until Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. People could only dream of a combined computer, cellphone, and camera until Steve Jobs invented the Iphone. Those are the "declared impossible before they were done" topics that could be relevant to this prompt had the inventors been an applicant to this university. So you have to think along the same lines in order to deliver a similarly interesting response.

Undergraduate / "Technological Advancement"; University of Wisconsin-Madison: Something Unnoticed [4]

Trevor. you minunderstood the prompt that was given. You were supposed to discuss something about you as a person that you believe that goes unnoticed by others and yet it is something that is important to you. It is not about something in society that you believe goes unnoticed and why it is important to you. You have it the other way around :-) That said, the next step should be quite obvious. It is time for you to revise the essay to make it more prompt responsive.

Focus the essay response on a character trait of yours that you feel is a common part of your personality so you don't really pay attention to it when you do it. It should be something that is already second nature to you, but to other people, comes across as an important part of you who are. From that point, you can explain why other people view that character trait of yours as something important. That way, your response to the essay will be more proper.

The essay is not about obvious connections to our daily life, this is actually a character study about you and how other people perceive you to be :-)

Undergraduate / My sister recommended this school with a great passion; admissions essay - WHY NYUAD? [3]

Ansah, the information that you included in this essay is really information that does not offer a true personal insight into the reasons why you would want to attent NYUAD. You know which part I think will better resonate with the reviewer? Having you develop your passion to attend the university based upon the experiences that your sister had which might have positively influenced you to wish to attend the university.

Keep in mind that having an alumna in the family could help your application because it shows a personal interest on your part in attending the university. As it could also be seen as a case of you simply wanting to imitate your sister, you should also include some personal reasons for wishing to attend the university that doesn't sound like it came from the university website or second hand information. Discuss your major and the reasons why you believe that NYUAD is the best place for your to attend academically. Make sure that the personal reasons that you gained from your sister will be reinforced by your own personal reasons for wanting to attend the university. By showing a strong personal reason and a compelling academic reason, then you will strengthen your application.

Undergraduate / My trip to Nepal - Disciplinary Supplement [2]

Kris, while I understand that these events may have occurred during the recent past, it is always important to name the year of the incident in your essay because the reviewer will not be privy to the information as to when these events happened. So being clear about when it happened helps him build a timeline of events and how it may have affected you as a person.

Since you were expelled from school so close to graduation, it is important that you mention how the expulsion affected not only you, but your family as well. The need to explain that stems from the fact that your father thought it wise to take you to Nepal with him on order to experience the effects of tragedy on the lives of peopleTry to relate the Nepal experience with your expulsion from school. How did the two events relate in your life? By connecting the two events and experiences, you should be able to create a better impact for the lesson that you learned from the two actions that you were involved in.

I am sure that your next drafgt wiull be further improved. However, you should be prepared to revise the content of your essay just in case further improvements can be done to it :-) I look forward to reading the next part of your essay.