Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task two>Compare the advantage vs. disadvantage of three media [3]

In nowadays modern society, there are plenty of different media to spread information and knowledge. Here I am going to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of books, radio, and TV. ( Now add a thesis statement that gives the main idea of the whole essay).

(end paragraph 1)
(start paragraph 2)
One advantage of books is that they contain a huge amount of information: events, detailed description, and effects. These allow readers to acquire clear, specific, and professional knowledge. However, its biggest drawback is its limitation to the elites. For the illiterates, books are something unattainable and out of reach.

In contrast to the radio, TV is more attractive with its colorful and exuberant image. Everyone can ...

In fact, TV has too many entertainment programs, which can steal audiences' attention from educational or news channels. It is a disadvantage and also the reason why TV has not been used as an effective teaching medium.

As far as I am concerned, TV is a fantastic discovery, and we should reconsider its function in education. We should ...

There are not too many mistakes! Most of my suggestions here are just to improve style. Keep practicing to improve your skill. :-)

Scholarship / A RURAL WOMAN SCIENTIST: international scholarship [10]

Growing up in a developing country, especially a small, rural, village in the south of Egypt, is difficult for a girl because the society there does not believe in the importance of woman's learning and denies us the right to education. ...

Nevertheless, my parents are well educated, open-minded individuals. They are always looking forward to breaking the oppressive traditions and rules. ------ excellent!! They are great!! This is called being nonconformists.

Add a comma:
My parents highly encouraging me to do the best, saying to me, " Obstacles must not stop or disturb you, they must push you toward success." As my father used to drive me to the school, after my school day finishes finished, he would pick up me to go home, and while we were on our way to home, he always asking asked me what I did and what I learned at school. He rewarded me for each successful assignment I completed. On the other hand...

I am so lucky to be hoppy happy with my job! But I still have one dream that I did not achieve yet, and actually, it is my life dream. What is it? It is to be a ...

Yes, I think you'll make a great female rural scientist! Nice job :-)

Graduate / Request to review statement of purpose(SOP) for PhD in Computer Science [2]

This occurred while reading a seemingly regular and now regarded a famous ordinary article by Herb Sutter that has since become famous: "The Free Lunch Is over: a Fundamental Turn toward Concurrency in Software".

Do you like it this way (above)?

Little did I know then ( no coma necessary here) that this(no comma necessary here) would give me a research direction. My goal is to improve existing data structures/algorithms and create new ones as well as efficient task scheduling mechanisms for multi-core architectures subjected to...

Ha ha, I don't understand half of this stuff about comp sci. hahaha.. you are smart.

no comma necessary in this sentence:
I find graph theory fascinating and challenging from both mathematical and algorithmic point of view.

This is very impressive. They certainly will accept you into the program! :-)

My long term career objective is to do research which has relevance from both theoretical and practical point of view.--- This is very ambiguous, very vague, very obvious. Replace this stuff about making sure it is theoretically and practically relevant, because it obviously should be relevant, and replace it with a specific career goal.

My long term career objective is to ________________ (something specific) do research which has relevance from both theoretical and practical point of view.

Undergraduate / "Msc. Economic History", I am starting from scratch [9]

Keep that verb tense consistent:
"At the root of my desire to study economic history lie the controversies and disagreements that ruled rule over the intellectual atmosphere of the field...

where do I fit in my past into this essay?----One easy way is to put it at the start of paragraph 2 (the first "body paragraph"), right after you give your thesis in the intro paragraph. That way, it will be easy for the reader to follow you into the backstory.

Do you know what I mean? Ideally, telling about your past is part of your process of supporting an overarching theme that is the central meaning of the essay. You should proceed as though telling about your past is part of the way you support your clear thesis.

As you begin that next essay, search around essayforum to get some inspiration and ideas!

:-)

Essays / Term paper "Film Critique on short film" [4]

ha ha, cool assignment! I like this discussion given by Shivani as well.

There is a lazy way to get through this, but I hesitate to tell you the lazy way, ha ha... all you have to do is look at a few film reviews online. Use the reviews like mad libs, those stories where you change key words to bring about different outcomes.

So, change key words in sections of, say, two different film reviews. A whole new story will emerge.

Of course, another way to go about it will be to not give away any of the story. That way, you don't have to actually know what happens. But if it has to be 5000 words, that is about 18 pages... that is a lot!!! Ao, I guess you will have to come up with some kind of story.

There are lots of reviews online. Choose a real film you want to base your fake film on, and let your fake film go off in a completely different direction.

:-)

Essays / Building a large factory near your community, how to plan this essay? [5]

Yes, this is a great thread!

Start by writing one sentence to answer the question. In the town where I live, people would not like to see a large factory built. Yet, I think a lot of people would be excited to apply for jobs at the factory. So, I guess some people want a factory and others don't.

How about you? Write one sentence, and perhaps one more sentence to explain what you mean. Soon, you will have a whole paragraph! :-)

Undergraduate / UConn Transfer Admission Essay- regarding academic goals and reasons for leaving [2]

Since taking an AP Environmental Science in my senior year of high school, I realized through my uncertainty of deciding what suited me, that being able ...

I crossed out a part that does not seem to make sense.

...to be a part of organizations like the EPA and help enforce laws like the Clean Air Act is what I want to do to do my part and make a difference in the world. ---- and here I crossed out the do to do to do part. That was confusing! :-)

Sometimes you unnecessarily cram lots of words into the sentence:
what my mistakes were and what I need to do to go about fixing them.
or
what my mistakes were and what I need to do how to go about fixing reverse their effects.

:-)

The last paragraph is a little too dramatic, I think. It would be better if you wrote a clear and simple paragraph about your specific goals for the near and distant future -- and what prof's and resources at this school will help you to achieve them.

Speeches / Graduation Speech: "Many People, Many Lives, Many Choices... One School" [3]

We're meeting here today one final time as a class for the ending end of our ...

Hey, you write very eloquently!

And starting tomorrow, the choices that we make and the paths that we take will have a great impact on our lives. No I'm not talking about the decision to finally listen to your parents and take out the trash, or mow the grass... although that is important too! I'm referring to the decision to find a job... a career... a life that you will live, and love, and be proud of.--- nice!!! I crossed out the "important too" part. Not necessary or helpful! :-)

But finding such a thing career path won't be easy, and I'm sure many of you are somewhat skeptical about...

But I want you all to know-that if you haven't, if you are completely unsure of what it is you will be doing after you leave this room today-that is completelyokay. ---- one too many "completelies"

In fact, I may be speaking in front of you with this advice, but I'm in a same situation of uncertainty right now. I may declared a major, but if it turns out the major I liked... the major I thought I liked... the major you thought you liked or, the job you thought you liked -- turn out to be a career to which we don't want to commit, that is completely fine too.

Yep, good advice. Everybody should keep their options open.

But why believe me? Sure, I'm just a kid speaking at graduation- (too much I and me wear the reader down. A lot of times it is best to trim this stuff away.

just start here:

But what do I know about life and its possibilities, anyway... Well I may not know everything, but I do know, that right ...

I like the ending!

Essays / Most memorable day, Won a lottery, Favorite holiday place - essay start help [3]

Great question. And I like Dylan's idea of using a bold statement at the start.

When I see this question, it makes me think of the moments when I am starting a writing project. I am out of school now, so when I write it is not to complete some assignment. When I write, now, it is a matter of expressing something that wants to be expressed.

If you can write the essay as a way of expressing an important idea, it will be better than if you just try to show "good composition" (whatever that is). So, look at the first question and wait for the perfect answer to come. Wait until your mind gives the sentence that perfectly answers the question.

Tell me in a single sentence what you did on your most memorable day. I challenge you to squeeze the whole essay into a sentence. Then, put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

But what do you put at the beginning of the first paragraph? See Dylan's idea, above.

After that, each body paragraph can go like this:
One paragraph = one idea
First sentence of a body paragraph is a topic sentence (Google this: topic sentences)
Second sentence explains the topic sentence.
Third sentence gives a quotation or example.
Fourth sentence reflects on the implications of the idea expressed in the topic sentence.

:-) Let's see what you come up with! don't worry if you have errors. We'll help!

Graduate / Peace Corps Application Essay #1, the most challenging expectation [4]


Yep, great advice here. I was thinking that the reader might favor applicants who have no doubt, and for all the reader knows you wrote this essay and completed this application during a brief period of certainty that has already subsided. Also, the form at the start is clunky:

It's been about a year now that since I first resolved to join the Peace Corps, and the time to submit my application has finally arrived.

Those two weeks planted some seeds of inspiration inside of me that would later grow into something more a serious commitment to service.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What I like apart from having fun. [3]

Yes, the first sentence does not make sense. Maybe this is better:
"Going for what I want in life is my professional way of doing what I like. "Having fun" as a professional is not the same as having fun as a child.

And now we make the verbs "parallel," by putting ing with both... exercising and ---> going
I'm not afraid of exercising my talents and going for as many option as I can.

I believe I have all it takes ...--- good

I am also welldetermined and focused onto on changing my life and that of the people around me.--- another good sentence

Spell check! ----> Perseverance and enthusiam persurance in pursuit of education, combing combined with my talents, focused mind, hard working body, cooperative heart, with the help of our dear loving God, I believe make if possible for everything to be achieved."

:-)

Writing Feedback / In some countries at the age of 18 young people are allowed to drive, vote and mar [5]

Thanks Mrs. Miller, I think that you are correct about "and so on"

...
Some maturity and clarity of thought are necessary. Lads and lasses should know what can they give and what they expect from the marriage. For a successful ...

I tend to agree with you! But some people I know are over 30 and they still make bad decisions! :-)

Writing Feedback / How should I describe all types of graphs,diagrams or charts? [8]

Yes, it must be tough to write in a second language. I know only one language...

Use a spell checker...

I see lots of spelling errors...
They show the people found quilty guilty or cautioned in 2000 as a percentage of population by gender and age, in England and Wales.The percentage of committed crimes increased dramatically and sharply in at the same time, in that period of time.

The graph shows very clearly that during 2000 year, the males committed far more crimes in contrast to than females. --- always use fewer words when you can.

While the number of females found quilty guilty or cautioned had the highest level of approximately 2 percent, which ...

As can be seen from the graph, with age(i mean the people who are getting older and older, i don't remember the specific collocation) females found quilty or cautioned committed less and less/ fewer and fewer crimes. Females are cautioned and found guilty less often then men, and older women are also found guilty and cautioned less than younger women. In comparison to ...

You are writing very well. Now start practicing to write as if each piece of writing is a gift, wrapped perfectly and presented thoughtfully. When you write a piece, write it with a sense of the purpose you want to achieve. Start with a sentence that expresses your main idea. Then, explain it. Then, say it again.

:-)

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]


Well, let's see it! I encourage you to read some classic essays, too. I am familiar with essays in English, but maybe you know other languages as well?

What is an essay? Look at what it is. It is human expression about meaningful concepts. It's like... we all find ourselves here, and we try to find the words to express what we think is happening.

An essay is something that starts with an idea that must be expressed.

Undergraduate / Engineering: Essay about my favorite subject [4]

Of all my classes and clubs, engineering is my favorite part of the day. One reason I like it is because I feel that I have an engineer's state of mind. Ever since I was little I was less interested in playing with my toys and more interested with taking them apart. My brother wasn't always happy with this because I would also destroy his toys trying to figure how they worked. --- excellent, this is very clever writing.

If you could just imagine the scene of me screwdriver in hand taking apart a toy airplane This gets redundant here. better to leave it out.

I am the type of person who would look at a car and the first thing I would be concerned not with the sleek exterior design or the cool luxury features on the inside but the engine. I would be asking myself questions like, How does it go that fast, and how can I make it faster?

I signed up for engineering during my tenth grade year. I was expecting that ...

I had initially thought that engineering was going to suck. ---- you probably know that this may not be an appropriate word, ha ha, but if it is a class with a teacher that encourages self-expression it might be okay, :-)

I am a person who is very left-brain dominant, so I don't possess a single creative bone in my body. -------Ironically, this is a creative way to express the idea that you are not creative!

Use a comma:
I am a competitive person by nature, and engineering is a competitive class. Half the projects that we do there include a competition the results of which are reflected in our grade. If you have the best assignment...

Yes, this certainly is a lot of bits and pieces. You should cime up with ONE message and let all the statements you make be linked together in support of this one idea. Make it so that your interest in engineering comes from a certain philosophy of life that you want to share... so that this essay becomes about that philosophy. Let that philosophy be explained succinctly in the first paragraph and then again in the last.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS taks 2 essay: computer has negative effects to children [6]

I think its true that the thesis statement could be stronger. The latter opinion is "otherwise." Instead of saying otherwise do this:
Nowadays, thanks to the development of technology, computer is now indispensable to life. Some people think that computer is good for children and it should be used daily by children but some others think that childrens' use of computers should be limited. In my opinion, the latter opinion is true, because _________(give a succinct explanation for why your opinion is the way it is)

Then begin to make those body paragraphs that support the thesis:
First, using computers has ...

Moreover, children who play games too much on the computer can seriously lack communicating skills; they will know little about the outside life. It is a well-known fact ...

Finally, even people who are not interested in online games can still be negatively affected by using the computer too much. Some social surveys have shown that a few children use computer for studying purposes. Most of them are attracted by Facebook, Blogging, etc., instead. Due to this neglect, they will have ...

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that the computer is a crucial part of human life, it still has its bad side, especially for children. --- very good sentence!!

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose in Msc Accounting and Finance Management [3]

I think "studied" is better than "took"

But I also think you should add a sentence to the beginning to introduce your theme... do not just start by telling the reader that you studied these subjects; hook the reader's interest with an unexpected first sentence. Perhaps you should make a bold assertion! Then, make this sentence number 2:

I studied a variety of subjects pertaining to taxes, finance, auditing, economics, accounting and business management. Studying a variety of subjects in university allowed enabled me...

"How far proper management lead your business to success" This title should have all capital letters when you use it in this essay. Also, check the words; this title does not seem correct. It should be like this, i think:

"How Far Proper Management Can Lead Your Business into Success"

It seems very broad, too. I wonder if I might not understand correctly. What was your paper about?

The sentence is also wrong. Don't start a sentence with "Which" unless the sentence is a question:
As part of my desire effort to have a broad knowledge in business management, I wrote the final-year dissertation focused on this field, and it was entitled, ...

:-)

Graduate / Master of Global Logistics: Application Essays; Career Goals, Skills and Talents [4]

Linmark, that's a very generous start you provided. When someone is feeling overwhelmed and unable to start, this is a big help.

It also is difficult for people to start when they don't know what they should be trying to accomplish. This is more than just a demonstration of writing skill. Sunita should be trying to show that she is very driven, with a clear vision for the future. This is what makes some people DESERVE admission more than others.

Some students are truly inspired, while others are not. So... Sunita seems to have a VERY well developed plan for the future, but... still, it seems incomplete if she does not give an explanation about why these are her goals.

And one more thing: Sunita, the essay is going to include several different pieces of information, but if you want it to be as impressive as possible you should try to make sure the essay has one major theme. Make sure that you introduce a main theme at the beginning and then repeat it again at the end.

I look forward to seeing it!

Writing Feedback / 'Imperfection is beauty' - If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road [3]

Imperfections, or bumps in the road are mere fragments that are there for a reason.
(I crossed out part that does not make sense to me. The sentence is nice without that phrase, like a quick thrust of a sword.)

This is what separates me. ----- I think in this case another word is good, like "distinguishes" or "sets me apart."

...or you can write "separates me from XXXXXX." But I think you need to complete it... separates me from what.

Make this sort of thing parallel:
I sit bravely and vulnerably to let it be...
Do you know what I mean about "parallel?"
But I don't like this part at all, actually. It is too dramatic to give yourself this compliment when you have not even told the story yet. The words are fine, but they don't belong in the first paragraph.

I think you should keep writing, but plan on revising the introduction later. When you see how the whole essay turns out, come back and revise this intro so that it is perfect for the theme you developed in the essay.

Writing Feedback / comparison between 5 countries, asking about Ielts writing task one [3]

I think your way is good, but I would make a small change.

The table shows a comparison of five countries, namely, Italy, Sweden, Spain, Turkey, and Irland, regarding to their consumption on of different items.

You could also write: "The table shows a comparison" while they say in question that the table gives information.

ONE OTHER THING:
I don't really like the word "namely." It is better to use a colon.
The table shows a comparison of five countries: Italy, Sweden, Spain, Turkey, and Irland. They are compared based on consumption of various items.

Graduate / It's a world that we have designed to suit our needs; SoP for M.Sc. product design [6]

You get this week's award for best new username.

You don't actually win anything, but if there was something to win for best username, you sure would win.

I think A. Smith's usenrmame comes from the name of a poet: Z. Linmark. Is that right? I can't remember if we talked about that...

Studying art and design during my undergraduate years has enhanced my well founded desire to understand and then fabricate a part of the world around us. --- Do you understand something and then and then fabricate it? I think you "understand a part of the world around us and then fabricate something new."

As I read the essay, I think you should take Stephen King's advice from On Writing and use fewer words. An essay does not get better when you add words; it gets worse. That's why Zen masters often use only a few words, I think!

It's a process that seeks out inefficiencies within a system or communication and ...--- rather than telling the reader what design is by relating a definition (which anyone can do) I challenge you to refer to the definition WHILE you make a unique point about your own personal philosophy of design. That's my challenge for you!

Before choosing a specific area of research, I would like to... I think this weakens the essay. You probably are excited about several areas of research, so instead of saying you are not ready to choose, say you have made several tentative decisions about which area to pursue.

:-)

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Cool! Nasreen and Manyanda, you give such thoughtful advice.

Arnold, I think the important thing to do is this:
Write 20 sentences! Even f you make errors, it is okay. We will fix the errors, and then some of those sentences will become topic sentence.

Please google this:
"topic sentences"

Also, please write 20 sentences for your essay. They do not have to go in order. Just write a list of sentences to get us started. We'll make you an expert writer.

Writing Feedback / Quammen vs. Scully: my Essay that compares and analyses two texts [2]

Hi there,

We are lucky to have such an outstanding writer participating in our forum. I see that you don't need basic corrections, so I'll share with you some of the most recent insights I've gained. The is the advanced placement class, ha ha...

When you can get away with leaving out commas:
Commas are like stop signs that clog up traffic. They are necessary sometimes, but when a phrases go together to form the same meaning you can leave the commas out:

While Quammen may have provoked thought, and for many even outrage, it is Scully who by using the voice of his opponent succeeds in exhibiting the many obstacles of those campaigning for change against those who continue to defend their cultural and economic assets in a global battle for consensus.

Look for the 2 places I took away commas. You can get away with not using them, because they were separating clauses that actually "go together" to form a single idea.

Like this:
and for many even outrage...
(a comma after many is unnecessary)

Present tense:
Usually it is best to stick to present verb tense
While Quammen has made does make it clear that it was his intention to highlight our subjective sympathy, the scattered references he makes to the death process of commercially harvested tuna does little to promote any remorse in their consumers.

Instead he chooses to employ..

Okay, I hope you'll spend some time helping other writers at EssayForum! Your writing is very impressive.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: NEWS ABOUT CELEBRITIES [7]


Hi Hatung, I see you giving a lot of help to other people. I think you should ask those people to help you, too. So, every time you check someone's essay and give your opinion, link them you tour essay and ask them to do the same for you.

Nowadays, it is easy to see that the number of news programs , especially news about famous people, is increasing rapidly.

However, I think that it is not a problem for the media to keep spreading news about famous people because of the following reasons.

They go online, or turn on television, because they want to get information about their idols, these celebrities.

So now if a magazine, for example, decided not to discontinue its column about famous people, it would be a very big mistake.

Last but not least, personally, I believe that reading news about famous people is a very easy way to reduce stress. That Every day, I spend at least fifteen minutes to read these news articles and, wonderfully, they always increase my interest and make me feel energetic to start working right after that.

Their stories serve as special tools that make the celebrities become more famous and also reduce the readers' stress.

Nice job! Ha ha, I like it. Most people argue the opposite way. You are unique.

Graduate / Essay on"your career plans & how this programme will help you attain your goals?" [3]

With this part..."IMEET programme' focus on developing applicants' knowledge of classic and contemporary theories in the field of entrepreneurship to build a differentiated understanding will also give me a new prospective in an academic approach." I think you mean to say "perspective."

But to say that it will give you new perspective is too vague. It is better to talk about specific knoweldge you can gain and exactly how you will use it.

In order to do that, the best thing might be to become even more knowledgeable about your chosen field than you already are. If you do a little more research, you will gain a little more understanding about how this particular program can help you, but more importantly it will give you the inspiration you need to write an essay that is very focused on a particular plan for your future.

Furthermore; Furthermore, the interaction among the participants of IMEET programme with a range of experience in the field of entrepreneurship will enhance everyone's prospects for success as consultants ; that will simultaneously enrich the learning environment.

:-)

Writing Feedback / I analyzed the lyric "Temptation Waits" by Garbage [3]

The lyrics of "Temptation Waits" by Garbage are sung by a female singer vocalist.

Use a comma before a quotation:
Furthermore, she demonstrates her addicted love as she says, "You come...

The drug in this line symbolizes addiction, which illustrates that the speaker has an obsessive...

Nice ending!!

Here is one more correction:
For example, lines like "I am a wolf... I am a bonfire... [and] I am a vampire" (I.2-4) are metaphors, and lines like, "I'm like an addict... [and] you come no like a drug" (I.6-8), are similes.

Writing Feedback / Compare and Contrast Essay- sibling/no sibling [2]

Christian, how weirdly self-effacing it is to combine consonant sounds from your first and last name to produce "Crud"... I think crud does not describe you well! Great advice, here...

Hi Holli, you started with a run on sentence:
The bond between siblings is the most enduring bond that any of us experiences. This bond is not as demanding and critical as that between child and parents or between spouses, and this absence of demands and criticism potentially makes sibling relationships the longest relationships we will ever have in life. --- I made a lot of changes to enhance that sentence.. does it seem okay this way?

Oh, I see that Christian's advice is very good because you do say something unfair about children with siblings having better perspective. I don't think it's okay to say that. You can say they have different perspectives, but you cannot say they have more perspective.

Although sometimes children just want to greedily keep something for theirs own themselves, they have to think about ...

Very good!! I like this sentence:
Also, the relationships among brothers and sisters are boundlessly varied, but whatever their characteristics, these bonds last throughout life.

Undergraduate / Advertising major: Finally decided what to be when I grow up [4]

Haha good advice Mackenzie,


That depends on whether or not you stay inspired, whether or not you follow the rules!
Artists don't live drearily; artists play on the flying sphere.

Undergraduate / 'bike race' - U of Chicago - How did you get caught? [6]

Two weeks since after I was able regained my ability to ride a bike, I entered my first race of the season.

...convinced these indoor sessions would prepare me for race season.(right here, you should add one more sentence before ending the first paragraph. The last sentence of the first paragraph establishes a major theme for the essay, so end it with your thesis statement by interrupting the narrative (i.e. story) to give the sentence that expresses that main theme/idea.

Ha ha, I like this. You have a cool writing style.

Use a hyphen:
Halfway completed, twenty-o ne miles in, as I pedaled ...

...through the start/finish banner I fell off the back of the pack. The brief triumph of catching up had reduced my legs to putty.

Graduate / Electronics Engineering: Statement of purpose communication in progress.. [7]

"Things" is always a weak word:
During the course of my undergraduate study, I have gained much knowledge, but I have also realized that I need to learn more to advance frontiers in my field of interest.

That's my suggestion. (above)

In the following lines I attempt to give a brief portrayal of my academic background, my research interests, my future aspirations, and my action plan for making a meaningful contribution to the field of Electronic Engineering.

Due to some reasons distractions that took place when I was younger, my academic performance has not accurately demonstrated my capabilities. Now I have spent some time as a professional working n my chosen field, and I continue to be a top performer among my colleagu es. I have become much stronger and learned to w ork even harder. The measure of my potential is not limited to distinctions and percentages; it's something above all these. I t is the thirst for knowledge and consistent learning.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Physician Assistant (what motivates me) [5]


This first sentence uses too many words to make a simple statement.
If I was asked the question what profession would I choose i If I had the ability to be anything, I would my answer would be a physician.

I need to add a verb to this sentence:
I choose to enter the field of medicine not only because it is a respectful profession in any culture, but also because it ...

...to pursue the path of becoming a physician's assistant.

It is profession that would provide me with opportunities to help and serve others while working under the supervision of a physician. ------- very good sentence

Here is another idea:
I would gain valuable experience about diagnosing illnesses and counseling patients, and possibly in the future if I move with my family to Sacramento and have means of supporting myself, I could receive my Bachelors degree and further my education until I get my white coat. to becoming a physician.

I think this plan for the future is very impressive. You can go to medical school! Sometimes it takes people 15 years to complete all the classes when life gets in the way, but that is okay!! What kind of medicine most interests you?

You already used "provide me with," so I'll change to "bring":
This career will provide me with bring knowledge about medicine, and I will have some functions similar to a physician. It will be a ...

It will be an honor for me to complete this program at your institution, and I hope I will be given this privilege.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays young children are using mobile phones [4]

Here is a quick lesson about has and had:
It has become a custom that every children need to have a mobile phone as soon as they know how to operate it.

Right now it has become a custom.
Yesterday it had become a custom.
Tomorrow it will have become a custom.
Right now they have become a custom.
Yesterday they had become a custom.
Tomorrow they will have become a custom.

It's so confusing!!! But this is a list of the correct ways to use the forms of that verb.

Shalini and Mackenzie made great corrections! thank you

In conclusion, except the mobile phone has only a few advantages, but several drawbacks associated are with it; hence it is not...

Grammar, Usage / Hackers, the great miss-conception [4]

No need to capitalize "hacker." Use " " marks when referring to a word:
The title "hacker" is a respected title; there are four subtitles, one of which is just a misconception.

Do not write miss-conception. It is just misconception. Oh, I see Mackenzie already caught that...

Okay, and in this first paragraph, right after you tell us about the four subtitles and the misconception, you should use 1 or 2 sentences to tell us EXACTLY what you mean and the end that first paragraph. Add 1 or 2 sentences as the thesis statement to end that intro paragraph.

You can use that 1 or 2 sentences to replace this confusing part...rewrite this:

The miss-conception is fed by the media, an example of this is John Markov for the New York Times writing about Kevin Mitnick. In the hacker realm people who break into system and use their skills to steal are either reffered to as Crackers or Blackhats. The people who oppose these people are known as Whitehats or Greyhats. --- rewrite it so that it expresses the main idea of the essay and tells what you mean about a misconception.

At this point it is essential to understand that the names are not linked to any factors such as disabilities, religion or nationalities. No need to tell us this. We already know. End the first paragraph with a thesis statement that tells the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Required attendance in college or university classes. [6]

Yeah, this helped me gt a new insight, too. Essays with good structure that depends on a list in the thesis statement and topic sentences that correspond to the list items may have boring topic sentences if you don't make an effort to make those topic sentences interesting in some way. Add some strange or unexpected details to those topic sentences.. :-)

Undergraduate / What can you contribute to SPP? "Helping others" [3]

Capitalize both words:
"Amazing Race"

I can create friendly relationships between international students and American students .

This is an impressive thread!! Thanks, everyone, for making it great.

Here is another idea:
I want to bring optimism to share with students in SPP, because optimism gives people ...

I like this part!!!----> ...reasons to look forward to the future with a sense of hope. --- nice job!!

Essays / Living at home and living away from home [15]

Hi Evelyn,

I was just trying to give an example in case you didn't understand how to do a chain essay. If I understand correctly, a chain essay is supposed to be like a cause and effect essay; it shows that one thing causes another, which causes another, which causes another.

Does that seem right?

So, I was just saying how I would write a chain essay about divorce rates. A causes B, which causes C, which causes D, etc.

"The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise..."--- this says that one factor that causes the divorce rate to rise is that women are becoming professionals in modern times, instead of staying at home in their "traditional roles," and that this modern gender equality makes divorce rates rise.

Undergraduate / "Msc. Economic History", I am starting from scratch [9]

I would use parentheses:
What follows traces my interests, the reasons why I believe I am well-qualified to study the particular program at LSE, and (most importantly) why I want to be spending spend my year at LSE.

At the end of that short first para you could add a POWERFUL thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Add a sentence that contains the soul of the essay.

This does not work: my desire comes from my passion
At the root of my desire to study economic history lies the passion that I have possessed for years to explore questions pertaining to the subject. Ask yourself again what is at the root. What is at the root of that passion? Why this instead of something else?

Ah, I got it!

At the root of my desire to study economic history lie the controversies and disagreements that ruled over the intellectual atmosphere of the field -- instant lures that engaged me.

Do you like it that way?

This is a great sentence: Mainstream accounts of the history of economic thought, at best, provide a very fleeting mention about the growth of economic thought before the times of Adam Smith.

Ha ha, I am impressed! You really prove that you have already gained deep knowledge of this field.

Scholarship / Mild terror is a very effective motivator. (Swarthmore College) [3]

I'll simplify this a little:
At Swarthmore I will be a thousand miles from anyone I know, so I would like to have a support system and some friends established to help me adjust to college. That being said, I will thrive on campus either way, but would truly benefit from the outside aid.

That is just my suggestion! It's not very important.

Okay, so the terror theme is brilliant, but I hope you'll develop it more by adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Add a sentence that tells about terror associated with transition to college and ALSO terror associated with transition into a multicultural world. Do you see the connection between these two? You can add a sentence about terror to the end of that first para, ad it will tell about both transitions. That will be the unifying theme for the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My mathematics teacher" - A person who has a significant influence in my life. [4]

These ae great corrections! I hope they help you improve your English, Esayas. Here is the correct way to use the common phrase, "I remember it as if it happened yesterday."

I remember, as it happened yesterday, the surprises state of mind that I was in when I was in grade four and, on the second day of his lesson, my new mathematics teacher did all those to my classmates who had not done math homework or were not participating in class.

Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]

"across" does not fit here.
I'll add a comma before "including."
Every day is two words, unless you are using it as an adjective (i.e. I completed my everyday ativities and searched for something new to entertain me.)

I'll add "and so forth" because it is better than "etc."

International economic forces are affecting across many different businesses, including the commodity trading sector. Every day manufacturers, purchasers, traders, etc. are not simply talking about the supply and demand of commodities but also about exchange rate, trade policies, fund investments, and so forth. Therefore, I was immediately...

:-)