Writing Feedback / "Memom, how did you draw this?" Topic of Choice Essay -- opinions and critiques [5]


This is too self-consciously precious. Also, ten year olds tend to be loud.

Writing Feedback / Concept and story line good; I need help with correcting the grammar in my essay [4]

We patiently waited alongsideof many other excited spouses and parents.

As the buses pulled up, everyone started cheering and screaming.

A few hours later, Lacie decided she was in the mood to start getting ready;as I paced the kitchen floor trying not to rush her.

We all decided to go to the beach [omit comma] for a nice little moonlit walk.

Undergraduate / "Something you do for the pleasure of it" - Short Answer [5]

Good job! Lively and to the point. One suggestion:

...because basketball provides me satisfaction that I cannot find no where else in my life.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests) [6]

Unless they are brain-dead, everybody enjoys new experiences. Almost everybody sets goals and enjoys achieving them. You need to say, specifically, what life experiences you have had that sparked your interest in the Peace Corps and, specifically, what sorts of challenges you look forward to facing in the Peace Corps.

Undergraduate / UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance. [5]


This is a sentence fragment. And, indeed, your conclusion is incomplete. Your two stories are very strong. Now, use some facts to show that you know that we are already in a crisis and to say more precisely how you will contribute to the solution.

By the way, methane from landfills is one climate-related reason to recycle, but the more important reason to reduce and reuse as well as recycle is the CO2 associated production and transportation of new goods.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

Unlike most common application statements, this starts strong and keeps the reader's attention. I like the inclusion of information about the history of the race. But, you should -- I think in the conclusion rather than the introduction -- say why you are telling this story. What does it show about you that you want the admissions committee to know?

Graduate / PhD - Social Work Research [13]

I suspect that what you did was just start writing. Instead, first brainstorm answers to each of these points and then arrange those into an outline. Only then should you start writing.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests) [6]


Unnecessary.


Too vague. This is true for virtually everyone.


"Brand new" and "never experienced before" are redundant. And, again, this is true for everyone applying to the Peace Corps, unless they've served before.

I could go on. The problem is that you don't answer the prompt with any specificity at all until your last paragraph and, even there, you tend toward vagueness. I'm afraid you're going to have to start over, being mindful of the need to answer the questions with specificity and detail.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]


I think you've got it right: You identify the general area -- engineering -- as well as the specific field of interest -- nanotechnology. You do so in a manner that is lively and engaging.

Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]

I see you've got this under undergraduate admissions essays. Is that correct, or is this a statement of purpose for graduate study?

Either way, be mindful that most Americans are relatively uninformed concerning the political situation in Pakistan. So, you may need to explain more than you do now in order for your essay to be comprehensible.

Since I am very familiar with the situation in Pakistan, it's hard for me to tell whether this will be sensible to someone who is unfamiliar. I wonder if one of our forum members who is not particularly aware of recent events in Pakistan might comment on that point?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Main purpose for Universities [4]


Your conclusion doesn't quite match your arguments.

Writing Feedback / Criminal records, British and Australia laws - IELTS Essay [9]

I'm going to disagree with Sean. If you were preparing for a debate, then you would have to think about the points he raised. For an IELTS essay, where the goal is to demonstrate proficiency in English by writing a coherent essay, you need only come up with two or three reasonable arguments for your position, which you did here.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

This is an earnest and evocative story. I'd like you to tell it more concisely, leaving in all of the details (which are wonderfully specific), but leaving out extraneous words and phrases. For example, you could cut the first paragraph, since everything in it is said elsewhere in the piece.

Also, you might want to show some awareness that, as you pursue this goal, it may shift. While in medical school, for example, you might find that you have an especial aptitude or interest in some other type of surgery or aspect of medicine. I hope that, in that instance, you would feel free to follow your special talent rather than hewing to a choice made as a child.

As for title, how about, "following my heart"? Or, is that too trite?

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay -- planning and organization [5]

I really like the narrative examples with which you start this piece. But don't forget to capitalize the first word of each sentence! Here are a few more suggestions or corrections:

to start with,P eople now are faced with a more sophisticated society than before.E merging along with the development of science and technology are not only those skyscrapers, subways, and space shuttles , but also much more detailed requirements of almost every aspect of people's lives .

S econd, without a plan before taking action, people are very likely to be distracted by many irrelevant things and finally lose themselves in a sea of information.

Planning and organization guarantee that people will not miss every detail; they willand thus complete their work more smoothly.

Writing Feedback / English Aboriginal feature article. [3]

This is a passionately argued and well-researched piece. I can tell that you care about this topic. So, let's make this as strong as you can make it.

The unemployment ratein thefor indigenous racepeople is 15.6%;and 5.1% in Non-indigenous.t hat is 3 times more than the rate of 5.1% among non-indigenous people .


Hmmm... that echoes forced relocation programmes of the past. From what I understand, your later suggestion of better schools in remote regions is more consistent with what indigenous elders say they want for the young people in their communities. You could also argue for sustainable economic development in remote regions.

But this brings me to the question that I have about this piece. You call it a feature article, but it reads more like an editorial. If you were asked to write a feature article, it may be that your instructor wants more facts and fewer suggestions. In a feature article, a reporter would report what indigenous leaders are calling for rather than come up with suggestions himself or herself.

Writing Feedback / Learning from Electronic Media: GRE essay topic [6]

This essay would be fine for an IELTS or TOEFL test but is not sufficiently sophisticated for the GRE, which expects you to demonstrate advanced critical thinking skills. You provide a number of arguments in favor of electronic media, and you do give examples to support your points. However, you show no awareness of the fact that much essential information remains offline. A scholar at the graduate level is expected to know that not everything can be found online; sometimes it's necessary to read books or visit a library. You also do not address the question of whether people learn "more readily" from electronic media. That is a debatable point.

Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]


It's a very common phrase.


I'm assuming because of the chemical preservatives, though the writer ought to say this directly.


Not necessarily. Poor treatment of workers could be one of many different critiques the writer had of the company. But, again, this would have to be stated explicitly.

Undergraduate / animals, artwork, sciences - present yourself to the Committee on Admissions [3]

I have also been said to be a great dog trainer.

I grew up rescuing stray dogs in Asia

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science [4]


Your grammar is good over all. Let's see the revision that takes Noto's comments into account. There's no use proofreading sentences that are going to be changed anyway.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay, "Life Defining moment" [8]


Seriously, you don't want to refer to young women in this way.

Writing Feedback / "pet proposes man disposes" - TOEFL: Should pets be treated as family members? [4]


I don't understand what you mean by "popular, captured" -- it's very poetic and reminds me that the animals called "pets" are captives in a world controlled by people, but I doubt that is your meaning.

Undergraduate / "A well informed family" - MSU personal statement [9]


This is the heart of your message, and it is very strong. You went from envying the traditions of other families to whole-heartedly participating in this tradition of your own family. Attend carefully to Liebe and Sean's comments and corrections so that this message is not lost amid errors and awkward constructions.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]


Very sensitive of you, Noto!

Undergraduate / Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI> [6]

I like the liveliness and creativity of your new opening. You'll just need to be very careful, when you get to the final stages of the writing process, to edit and proofread very carefully because such a florid style cannot be carried off successfully in the midst of sloppy errors.

Environmental hazards and poor diet are two very important foci of recent work in public health. Are these the areas in which you envision yourself working? If so, it would help to tie the essay together to say so.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


No, it doesn't sound like that at all. Spanish is more practical because many more people speak it. French used to be more practical, because it was the language of diplomacy. But that has changed.

Actually I started learning Spanish while working at the local cafe at Austin, Texas.

You could start here, and then backtrack to talk about French.

Undergraduate / My passion for kids - COMMON APP HOOK (+ESSAY) [4]

Also, please say "my passion for working with kids"!

Undergraduate / Prepare to serve - a medical practice in an underserved area [5]


What you want to do here is list the countries in which you have lived and then give examples of your experiences with health care in those countries.


Where? When? Specifics! Specifics!

Undergraduate / creating music - Common App 150 word essay [6]


I'm not certain what you mean by this.

Undergraduate / The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay [10]

Don't worry about making the outline into a sentence outline. Instead, focus on making sure all of the content you need is there. What I don't see in this outline is any reference at all to art or media. Have you been drawing or cartooning for a long time? What interests you about animation and why do you want to go into that field?

Undergraduate / "It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay [11]


Exactly: These are the heart of your essay. Recapping what Vires or Artes means adds nothing.

It occurs to me that dance requires both artes and vires, so you might want to center your essay on that, perhaps mentioning that the strength you derived from that pursuit helped you to cope with the death of your grandmother.

Graduate / "The burgeoning field of Computer Science" - my Statement of Purpose [6]


Yes, and it may be that you will need to be more concise in stating what you have already stated, in order to create room -- without making the statement too lengthy -- to actually state your intentions.

Undergraduate / Volunteerism is like this: Rewarding Experience [7]

I think this essay has promise. I like its sincerity and unique viewpoint. I even like the line about infected prostitutes and mad cows. But, if you are going to use this essay, you absolutely must make it grammatically impeccable. At present, you have some very basic verb errors. For example:

I still sit in the same chairs while my arm is swabbed with the same iodine.

"thank you, your blood has saved three lives."

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]

I became interested in scienceA s a child, I would always read books about science and did "experiments" such as mixing vinegar and baking soda.


You simply cannot conclude like this. I'm sorry, but it makes you sound like a simpleton. Having a college degree will help you get into graduate school? How much more vague and uninformative could a statement be? Are you truly interested in science? Say exactly what you wish to study. Say which sub-fields of biology or chemistry interest you. Say what kind of work or research you might like to do in the future.

Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]


I see what you are trying to do here, using sentence fragments for emphasis. But it doesn't quite work. Also, since the one event -- winning the award -- is of such a lower order of magnitude than the other, matching them like that doesn't quite work either. It's good to talk about this time when both happened, I just don't like the way this is introduced. Perhaps if you just cut out the introduction, starting instead with the first "My heart--" sentence.

Undergraduate / UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance. [5]

Yes, the Costa Rica section is the strongest part of the essay. The introduction is weak. "Global warming has been becoming a problem throughout the years."

I suggest that you start with Costa Rica, back up to talk about why global warming is an issue of importance to you, move onto the recycling center (being sure to explain how recycling combats climate change), and then conclude with specific ideas about what you will do about global warming during and after your college career.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]

When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present .

The wording of this paragraph is awkward, going as it does back and forth between "one" and "him" when, actually, you are supposed to be writing about yourself. But you don't need to fix it, because all of this ought to be cut anyway.

Instead, start with your mother's lists, then state how you realized that they could be read symbolically, then go on to do so as you already do (flower = tenderness, etc.).

Undergraduate / Stranded in an airport COMMON APP ESSAY [11]


Actually, pretty high. I've been stranded I-don't-know-how-many times. Which is to say that, even though the experience was striking to you, it wasn't all that unusual. You do write vividly, and therefore could turn the experience into a workable essay. But, since this is your "topic of choice," you can also choose another narrative around which to build your essay. The question is: What do you most want to convey about yourself in this essay? Once you've decided that, you can choose the story around which to construct the essay.

Undergraduate / Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI> [6]


Make the verbs in such passages active:

At the beginning of my senior year, California's senate bill No. 12 regarding school's nutritional standards came into effect, limiting the food sold in the student store became limited to healthy foods and beverages.

Letters / My cover letter (a dietary supplement company in Auckland) [9]

Then your cover letter must directly address your capacity to perform such tasks.

Writing Feedback / toefl: We live in a world of music - Why is it important to so many people? [13]


Similarly, workers doing physical labor often use upbeat music to keep themselves moving and distract them from monotonous tasks.