Writing Feedback / Living in the country or city? Living in the country aint all that you think! [3]

Therefore you have to go ...

if you like going without money ...
...the country have has less money ...

Use a capital letter to start each sentence:
On the other ...
... finding a job; ...
make $500 a day thats how good it is.------ ha ha, no, I have to disagree. In the city, I cannot make $500 per day, ha ha...

I'll add 2 commas and get rid of "more"
..., is more stronger in ...---Never write "more stronger." I am strong, but you are stronger, and she is strongest.

:-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose For PhD in Management (MBA) -- human behavior [6]

It sounds like Linmark is suggesting a memorable theme that will stick in the reader's mind.

The past five years have given me an opportunity to understand and carve out a career path for myself. During this period I got opportunities to explore the world around me and that led me to discover the urge in me to go further in the fields of management and human behavior.

I felt that although I was able to understand human aspect of organization in a better deeper and more complete manner, but at the same time felt ...

After the completion of such a research, I sat and thought to myself that things in the field of human management are highly nuanced and more complex than I had ever thought.

There have been findings made in the field, but as am still working on the project, would like to state further after the completion of the same. Rewrite this sentence. I don;t think you should use "the same." Keep is simple. It is confusing this way.

All these experiences of the past half a decade mentioned above has have lead me to firmly ... --- when it is one thing, use "has" but when it is more than one thing use "have."

This is SO impressive!! Congratulations, you will do well for sure.

Undergraduate / Writing about my passion for computer science [5]

Here is another idea:
I have done it! After hours of assiduous work and much frustration, I have finally achieved the answer. Excitement vibrates throughout ...

I changed reverberated to reverberates, because the other verbs in this paragraph were in the present tense. So, keep the verb tense consistent.

you could also do this:
I had done it! After hours of assiduous work and much frustration, I had finally achieved the answer. Excitement vibrated throughout...

Undergraduate / Law School Admissions (the Florida A&M University College of Law) [3]

Fix this run on sentence:
My parents have always been a huge influence in my life. Although neither of them attended post-secondary school, they are the smartest people I know.

My parents held very few traditional jobs, and by the time they both reached age 38 they were retired and living in their dream home. --- I made small adjustments to this sentence.

I think your intro para is missing a sentence. You need a sentence to explain that they were entrepreneurs, if that is what you are saying. Is that what you men about their success without working many traditional jobs?

I had worked as a secretary, administrative assistant, customer service representative, dispatcher, and account manager.----impressive!!

I had been employed by my father for 7 consecutive years with my fathers' at his electrical contracting company, and I learned that there is power behind perseverance.

I think vow is too strong and dramatic.

I have always aspired to be a leader and create my own path. --- this becomes the theme for your essay because of the way you present it. I think you should make a change: Add an intro paragraph before the paragraph hat currently starts the essay, and use it to establish a memorable theme. Then, refer again to that theme in the conclusion.

:-)

Scholarship / The Big Picture: Community Service essay [5]

If you make up a term, use it in the intro para and the conclusion para. :-)

Also, I think if you title it "Big Picture" you should use the term somewhere in the essay. By entitling it "Don't forget Big Picture," you create tension by raising a question in the reader's mind. So, resolve that near the end of the essay. All art is, in one way or another, about pressure and release, tension and resolution.

Scholarship / The Big Picture: Community Service essay [5]

These are not errors, just things I had ideas about:
Seeing past these distractions, though, and pushing forward until the end goal is reached- and the people are helped- is what ****** has called on us to do.

No, it's not advocacy, it's not health care, and it's not counseling.

It might be nice to cite him here:
More than that, engineers focus on efficiency- just like *****, engineers are concerned not with "what is... [but] on what ought to be" (******, p 17).

or

More than that, engineers focus on efficiency- just like *****, engineers are concerned not with "what is... [but] on what ought to be" (*****, in "name of book/speech/article").

A good example of engineering in the ----The paragraph that begins with this is really impressive writing.

this could be trimmed down: I feel like it's my civil duty, to society, yes, but it also has double rewards: not only are the people receive the help they need, and I get the satisfaction of knowing that I've done my part and I've done it well.

One way to improve this will be to add a theme or make up a term, like we were talking about in that other thread. Another way is this: I think you don't do enough to express a plan for the future. This is something you can do in a sngle sentence, or maybe 2. Express specific plans that pertain to this community service thing, specific plans that XXXX would have liked. :-)

Writing Feedback / The legal drinking age in Ontario [4]

I think you should scratch out this sentence and replace it with a sentence says something about countries with lower drinking ages are not having harmful consequences:

On top of this many people under the legal age drink alcohol, and there are even some countries where the legal age is 16. Also the reason people act the way they do when they are drunk is because of a placebo effect, because of the media. The legal drinking age in Ontario should be lowered to the age of 16 or at least 18 to stay consistent with the law.--- I scratched out the thing about the placebo effect and media because they do not sem to go with this paragraph or make sense here. Dedicate a body paragraph to each of them, but leave them out of the intro.

This is a great thread, thanks everyone.

Scholarship / The Mandalay Bay Shark Reef trip, scholarship prep essay [3]

Hi Austin, nice job!
If I had to write this essay I would use 5 paragraphs.

1. introduction with thesis statement.
2. Why does this topic excite you?
3. How does it impact the way you or others experience the world?
4. What questions do you continue to ponder about it?
5. Thoughtful conclusion

And it is good to use topic sentences that have the key words: Excite, impact, ponder... use these words to show that you are answering each question.

Thanks Tim!

Undergraduate / MATLAB to model, regarding graduate admission essay [5]

Great discussion here!
I thought of this:
Moreover, I utilized MATLAB to model the second-order linear difference equation in order to enhance the more precise prediction of accuracy with which I could predict the Phillips Curve in the Differential Equations course.

Wow, I don't understand this equation stuff! I'm glad you do.

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]


Well, the important thing is that you can apply this principle throughout your life. I notice it in a lot of business literature. For example, Jim Collins introduced the idea of going from "Good to Great," in his 2004 book, and that concept caught on. But good to great is not the only concept you'll find in the book. If you look at Good to Great by Collins, you'll see terms like the "hedgehog concept" the "flywheel effect" and "helicopter perception."

Other writers may expound the same principles,but the most successful person is the one who makes up a new word! :-)

That makes me think of John 1: 1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." Make up a word, and you are performing real magic, creation magic. :-)

Sometimes I make up a new word in order to win an argument, too. It is good for making people pay attention.

The "Socratic method" is teaching through the use of questions, and it gets the listener to actually think, actively, about what you are saying. Making up a new term does something similar.

Undergraduate / NYU Short Answers- Blair Waldorf, poem, "49", and politics. [6]


Well that is excellent. I felt guilty discouraging you from expressing yourself about feeling inspired. But anyway, it is good for us to include stuff like that in our discussion of the essay. good luck with it!!! :)

Andrew, I guess you are right. Neglected pennies has a cool staccato kind of sound, and it is good imagery. I don't know what my problem was the other day. I guess I thought "discarded" was more accurate than neglected, but anything discarded is indeed neglected. Honestly, I actually do think neglected pennies is better, now that you made me reconsider it.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE221 The chief benefit of the study [5]

Yes, I did find another one:
Although time and tide elapsed, these inspiring words of Sphinx can still be seen as a picturesque portrayal of a historian who has faced up with numerous wonders in the study of history.

Aside from minor mistakes, you can think of improving it by revising awkward sentences like this one: However, on the other hand, we cannot ignore the fact that people in different times are significantly different in most ways. ---- this is a little awkward, but sometimes it is hard to make sentences flow nicely. How about this:

However, on the other hand, we cannot ignore the fact that tremendous differences exist among people who lived at different times in history. people in different times are significantly different in most ways.

Undergraduate / Career Goals and personality (IT field) [4]

You have to write a paragraph 2 about your personality, a paragraph 3 about IT, and a very important paragraph 4 about how the stuff you said about your personality in paragraph 2 makes you a good candidate for IT.

1. intro with thesis sentence
2 your personality
3 qualities necessary for IT
4 how your personality fits the stuff in paragraph 3
5 thoughtful conclusion paragraph

Graduate / McGill M.Arch in "Cultural Mediation and Technology" - statement letter [9]


Do all of it! Give a paragraph for the reasons for your choice, another paragraph for indicating the professor whom you would like to have as your supervisor, another paragraph for a description of the research topic, and another paragraph to tell why this school will be better than another school.

Add three more sentences to the end of that (too short) intro paragraph. In those three sentences, name the supervisor, the research topic, and a reason why this school is better than others.

I am particularly interested in researching the question of how the health-care setting can be...

I would like to look into the idea of medical facilities, not as big multifunctional giants, but as small satellite structures spread throughout the city.---- wow, you write very well-structured sentences.

Lets see some more paragraph so you can over each of those 4 topics I listed above! :-D I really hope you have good luck!!!!!!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay-sports professionals people vs.people in other essential professions [2]

There has been some debate over whether athletes should get higher incomings incomes compared with...

It is understandable that objectors of this issue consider this as unfair. ---- excellent idea! It is great to acknowledge the other point of view. Google this Rogerian argument. You did well.

Professional workers, from scientists to hospital staff or lawyers, do mental work which differs from ... ----- good structure in this sentence! Good use of commas.

In the other fields, by contrast, there is no severe limitation on the span of career life.

well done! Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / Career goals essay (Office Administration course) [3]

The thing to do is try writing an essay and let us help you to correct the mistakes.

One essay = one big idea. What is your big idea for your career? Can you explain it in a single sentence at the end of your first paragraph? That will be your thesis statement.

Get started!! :-D

Writing Feedback / Teaching of music, art, and drama are critical in revealing hidden abilities of children [3]

You could improve the thesis statement by listing the points you will make. You could even use a bulleted list if the teacher approves of that sort of thing. Or, you can list them in a sentence, separated by semi-colons.

I would like to introduce several reasons and examples that I believe will support my viewpoint: the blah, blah, blah: the importance of blah, blah; and the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This long sentence is correct, but a little awkward. You could use a dash:
First and foremost, teaching of subjects such as art, drama and music is very crucial in forming of a thoroughly developed and educated individual who is well aware not only of science and related fields but also of arts -- in wide sense of this word.

The best example is the prominent scientist A. Einstein, who was at the same time a very good violin player.

In contrary, On the other hand, too much ...

I can't give a grade, because I don't know what criteria are being used to grade you. However, it is very nicely written!!

Undergraduate / Besides work, how did you spend your last summer? NYU Transfer short essays [3]

No comma necessary, no capital B necessary:
...patches and teach my cousins basic English.

This is very, very impressive!! Is there room to write more? At least a conclusion sentence? Can you add a little about your internship?

Scholarship / Temple admissions: where do i see myself in 10 years?; scholarship foundation [12]

You are quoting. He is not quoting.
Booker T. Washington once quoted said, "If you uplift yourself, you should lift up others too." After my graduation from ...

Let's not say Temple University a third time in a row. It gets repetitive.
10 Ten years after my graduation from Temple University , my most valuable achievement will have to be my scholarship foundation. ---- the reaer will know that you mean ten years after Temple instead of med school.

I have learned the importance of giving back to my community, not only with my work but with an education too. Let's replace this vague sentence with a sentence about how you will establish scholarships.

Currently, my scholarships are paving the way for many students to receive a college degree from the University with which I am so proud to be associated.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "the real reason for the Yosemite decline" - my argument essay [5]

About semi-colons:
They really work a lot like periods; I use one instead of a period when two sentences are closely related to one another. Google this: use of semi-colons

About my last comment:
I think the clearest understanding of this arguments problem is that the speaker is saying, "Because species are missing from the park, pollution is severe everywhere." At best, this argument shows that pollution is severe at the park, but as you explained, even that is not necessarily the reason for the disappearance of the species.

So, in order to use excellent reasoning, you can acknowledge that the disappearance of species at the park is one piece of evidence to support the idea that pollution is severe in the world, but it is a logical fallacy to infer something about global pollution based only on this observation about the park.

It's like if I said, "Jade wrote an excellent essay, so EssayForum members tend to write excellent essays." In actuality, the fact that Jade wrote an excellent essay does support the argument that EF members write good essays, but it is poor reasoning to assume that a generalization about all essay forum members (or worldwide pollution) can be inferred from an observation of Jade (or Yosemite Park).

So, the point is that you can acknowledge that this is indeed evidence to support the argument that pollution is severe, if it is presented with lots of other evidence, but it alone is not sufficient to draw a conclusion.

Essays / Why animal experimentation is not a acceptable practice (essay ideas) [6]

Good ideas, Jon! I'll add this:
Health -- human health is preserved through the use of animal experimentation
Economical -- Money is saved and generated through experimentation
Moral values -- this is the only strong argument.

So, what I mean is this: I don't think you can argue based on anything except moral values.

You might even want to write about this fact in the essay. Some would argue that animal experimentation saves human lives... so... this is a difficult argument to make! However, it sure is true that we are selfish to put our needs over those of animals.

One other thing: it seems that you must also be a vegetarian if you oppose animal experimentation. Maybe I am wrong about that.. but these are the ideas that come to mind for me.

Undergraduate / NYU Short Answers- Blair Waldorf, poem, "49", and politics. [6]


This is a good example of how a misplaced comma can change the meaning of a sentence. When I first read this, I thought you were answering the question by saying "The queen bee from the Upper East Side on Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf." ... and I thought it was a run on sentence. I think you should do it this way with parentheses:

Blair Waldorf (the queen bee, from the Upper East Side, on the television program Gossip Girl) and I would start...

Or you could use a set of dashes:
Blair Waldorf -- the queen bee, from the Upper East Side, on the television program Gossip Girl -- and I would start...

Awesome poem. How about neglected discarded pennies

Hearing President Obama's gripping... ----- you know, this is terrible for me to say, but some readers might be very passionate Republicans who feel strongly enough to discriminate against you because of your views. (I am not saying anything bad about Republicans; I would give you this same warning if you said something in favor of McCain.) What if you just said "Seeing the Presidential debates" instead of "Hearing Obama's gripping..."

This is just an idea. Maybe it is a bad one, because you should be true to what you believe in. However, I wanted to mention it, because you have been so nice to other members here... I would hate for you to run into any bad luck because of this! :-)

Writing Feedback / Computers and operation systems - My introduction [5]

How about "compete to" instead of "compete about"
...are competing about releasing to release the best operating systems.


Good point! It is tough because o number disagreement. You could also to this:
As computers represent an increasingly vital need...----- this way, you are not saying computers (plural) are a need (singular). Instead, they "represent" the need.

:-)

Use a question mark when you pose those questions at the end:

what is an operating system? What are some examples of operating systems? Why Mac OS X might be the operating system of the future?

For good organization, start each of the next 3 paragraphs with sentences about each of these 3 questions, in order.

Undergraduate / Stanford: Profile questions- favorite books, significant issues, etc [8]

Good point Sarah!

Thanks, everyone, for making this a great discussion.

Undergraduate / Good and bad points about my internship - [4]


Yes, this is the first thing I noticed, too. The reference to "you" can be confusing.

No need to capitalize the P (professionals) and the U (up) below:
Throughout my internship I also gained networking connections with the whole ball of wax (IT professionals); up until now I still have contact with them.

Here is another idea: active voice -------------> I learned many lessons by accident through real life experiences, and I gained some confidence.

Undergraduate / "cultural diverse background" -the environment you come from, MICHIGAN STATE [4]

The first paragraph of an essay should express an important message/idea... the main idea of the essay. Your first paragraph consists of 3 sentences, and they are all making different points. The trick is to start the paragraph with a sentence that refers to one theme, and then stick with that theme. What is the main idea of the whole essay? Whatever it is, introduce it with that first paragraph.

Look at the paragraph above. I structured it so that it would be an example of a paragraph that is all about one idea. The main idea is expressed in the first sentence.

I like your use of the term "sturdy backbone." That is a great image. However, if you write, "sturdy backbone from which my future plans could germinate and grow," it will be better if you replace "backbone" with a word that could refer to a plant..

Maybe like this:
...a healthy environment in which my future plans...

:-)

Writing Feedback / A woman's place should be in home? [8]


That is an important point, thanks! However, I don't see any contractions in the essay.

Some words have an apostrophe but are not contractions. For example, the word women's has an apostrophe. This is not a contraction, though. A contraction has 2 words put together. For example:

can't
don't
isn't

:-)

Undergraduate / "My father was an abusive alcoholic" - UCF application essay [3]

Every night I contemplated on how someone...

Okay, I think you should not make the theme so negative. Strategically, it is good to inspire the reader and show through your writing that you do not focus on the demons, but instead, you focus on a clear plan for your future.

How has your background influenced who you are? This is about 2 things: your background, and who you are. Let's focus on who you are, because who you are is a person with a clear plan.

If you keep this all about pain making you strong, it will be very abstract and a little cliched. This part discredits you and shows you to be, perhaps, ill-equipped for focusing on your studies: Nothing's given me any reason to have hope at this point,...

If you want to impress them, tell the facts associated with the abuse, but do not write dramatically about it. Write dramatically about your excellent vision for the future.

However, this is just my idea for impressing admissions readers. Your essay is excellent already as a piece of good, emotive writing.

Undergraduate / Match with my educational goals (Seattle University) [4]


Really? What makes you think this? Sounds like meaningless stuff... I hope you'll change it so that it starts with a sentence that tells something specific about this school compared to other schools. Is there a prof you admire? Do you know of a program that is aligned with your goals in a way that other schools' programs are not?

After graduating from SU, I will be the first in my family to gain a baccalaureate degree. With a baccalaureate degree, I will have many options available to me in my career as a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer.--- this part does not answer the question.

You should write this again, and write it as an essay about Seattle University from YOUR perspective.

:-)

Undergraduate / Ultrasound application essay (reasons for pursuing ultrasound as a career) [3]

acquired developed

...to the bathroom if he needed to help.

...face because his body would not do cooperate. I was able to help him and do it in a way that he could still enabled him to keep his dignity.

I remember a time later on in his process, at the nursing home, when I was holding his hand and he did not remember who I was -- but he was trying to.

I will be a great student for Seattle University. I take the time and effort to get good grades by learning the material. I truly desire to be an excellent Sonographer and will do what it takes to have the career that I want.------ this stuff is powerful writing. Your confidence is impressive! I think you'll do very well.

Writing Feedback / "the real reason for the Yosemite decline" - my argument essay [5]

Use a semi-colon, or it will be a run-on sentence:
But the premise that there are lost species remains weak; the unobserved three species of amphibians may be still exist, they just migrate to somewhere else or simply doggo in the mountainous area in the park.

the argument offers nothing in detail about the environmental situation of the park. --- excellent point!!

This is a great analysis. You showed that the speaker actually is not observing anything about global conditions, but instead is simply observing something about the park. What is the logical fallacy called when you look at one example and assume everything else to be like it?

Anyway, coming full circle, you can acknowledge that the loss of those species is indeed evidence to support the argument that pollution is severe. It does not prove the argument by itself, but it is still important evidence to support arguments that pollution is severe.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE221 The chief benefit of the study [5]

The study of history can help us gain a better future by telling us right from wrong, as well as wisdom from foolishness.

People don't usually say "history study"
Thirdly, to a large extent, the study of history can benefit people in their spiritual level as well as their intellectual level. --- or you could write "... benefit people spiritually and intellectually.

Specifically, speaking , social patterns have dramatically shifted from the agrarian society, to industrialized society, and post-industrialized society according to the futurist Alvin Toffler.

In summary, as human beings , we need to know ...

You write SO well! I can tell you are bilingual because of the kinds of mistakes you make (and they are few), but your style of writing really is beautiful.

Undergraduate / Oakland University Writing Center [4]

In the conclusion, you can discuss the IMPLICATIONS of the point you are making in the essay. The essay has a message, a main idea/message you want to convey. The conclusion paragraph is an opportunity to discuss your message in a way the reader will really deeply understand, because the introduction and body paragraphs have made them understand.

Undergraduate / T. Harv Eker - a person who influenced me, and why and how he influenced me [6]

I'll move a few commas around:
After becoming a millionaire for the first time in less than 2 years, he lost that million. Despite that, he did not give up on his dream, and soon he developed theories of how people perceive money as well as how one should manage their money, which made him more than he dreamed he would be: a multi-multimillionaire.

hahahahahahah severe procrastination... I like that term.

This is not how a high school is supposed to be, and so I was dealt karmic justice.

Though it may seem late now that I have graduated from the junior college, when I do not have my academic materials with me I still try to learn other things from the people around me, such as new Chinese phrases, financial education, basic cooking as well as knowledge in topics ranging from science to health to religion. This is like T. Harv Eker's belief in grasping opportunities.

:-)

Graduate / TO WORK AS AN STRUCTURAL ENGINEER [4]

Google this: Structural Engineering Colleges and Universities

I hope you find great success. You must be very intelligent if your interests are drawn to the field of engineering. It will be great if you can work in construction to pay for college and earn a degree in structural engineering. You can have a great future and enjoy your work!

I wonder if I answered your question correctly...
Are you taking any classes right now?

Grammar, Usage / "to+VERB-ing" confusion. Few doubts in grammar. [7]

I want to thank you for contributing this excellent discussion to our forum!

It is hard to answer the question, because it varies so much from one situation to the next.

You can write:
You should pay him for getting it.
He should help us to get it.

"For" and "to" are prepositions.
Google this: preposition list

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay on a Personal Experience relevant to Psychology: [4]

I was more of a "listener" in the conversation and in order to simplify their problems, and I always put myself in their shoes. I yearned to make them feel better.---- This was a run-on sentence before we added "and"

use a comma:
said, "I've learned...

Capitalize the word Internet.

Yes, you should use this!! It is very impressive!! What is your favorite school of thought in psych? I like existentialism... also cognitive therapy. Frankl's Logotherapy is great, and so is REBT.

Writing Feedback / the effects of stress (cause and effect paper) [11]

Here is another way to improve this sentence:
Considering the fact that everybody deals with puzzling matters everyday, it is no surprise that stress leads to many negative effects that could be either short or long-termed.

Graduate / Doctorate degree, knowledge in materials chemistry: The benefit for my country. [5]

"I would like to gain a deeper knowledge in materials chemistry by taking my PhD in the United States, where This country has many universities that offer research intensive programs in material chemistry and focus on design and synthesis of new materials ...----- let's add a little more to this last sentence of the first paragraph: I believe that would be the best place for me to be, because __________.--- add a phrase that shows your professional intentions.

I believe w With my Doctorate degree, I can contribute significantly for to research in Indonesia. more than now . I want to raise the research in Indonesia so that it is recognized internationally. The research in Indonesia is only following ...

... that one day Indonesia will become world center for research."---- This is a great vision for the future, and I'm glad to have been able to see this essay! Your aspiration is quite impressive, so work hard!