Undergraduate / study abroad in japan--buddhist art and neuroscience??? [3]


Woo wee, this is a big adverb stunt... hmmm, I guess, I guess it is alright! I am surprised, but it really sounds alright. Usually when you use a big adverb and an adjective it ends up sounding silly, but this is pretty good.

afford a great occasion to ----- I don't know, I think this one is sort of cliche... like, "afford me the opportunity... let's not use "afford"

...to raise my global awareness ---- this is too vague, I think it should say something specific, like, help me improve my Japanese. :-) Raising global awareness is good, but it is ABSTRACT, and abstract things, though cool, can make an essay vague and ill-defined.

More abstraction... all this below is what I think of as "fluff." It doesn't mean anything to say you are inquisitive by nature. I might say the same thing about myself. It is better to SHOW something about yourself: you are unique in your interest in Japan!

As an inquisitive person by nature, I am constantly driven to explore and learn new things from the people who surround me and in turn share what I have mastered with my peers. Throughout my life, I have cultivated a desire I am determined to both understand and connect with other cultures and their the customs and spirituality of Japan; I harbor ...

I don' know if harbor is a good word. We say harbor resentment or harbor a criminal, but we "feel a sense of" profound respect for these phenomena things and am confident that I can impart my feelings of wonder on others.

:-)

Undergraduate / Walter Percy Inspired Essay (strange objects in the Cosmos) [4]

Use a hyphen: With such extreme life-sustaining issues on earth in...
But this sounds like the issues sustain life. You actually mean "issues associated with the preservation of life and the eradication of poverty" I think...

Nice job!

...threaten the planet. be they asteroids or big rocks or what ----- I thought asteroids WERE big rocks!I would delete this part.

One trick for excellent writing is to try to always put a noun after the word "this":
This fact comes as no surprise when you ...
That is not an important rule, just a nice trick for good writing.

:-)

Undergraduate / "gadgets and the world of technology" - essay for uiuc admission [4]

Let's just get rid of "am":
I have always been fascinated by gadgets and the world of technology and am interested in knowing how things work.

If you use a comma, us "I" again, but if you do not use "I" again no comma is necessary:
I'm also interested in robotics and have participated...
or
I'm also interested in robotics, and I have participated...

Google this: comma use in compound sentences

I would like to transfer to the University of Illinois as it is one of the best places to--- I think you can say something more specific than "it is one o the best places to ..." You could write something that tells WHY it is better than other places.

:-)

Writing Feedback / desirable lifestyle: as a celebrity or common people. argument IELTS [5]

On the one hand, humans' natural instinct is to remain alive by keeping their names alive among people always, and even after their death and for forever.

Thus they like to become celebrities and even some try to perform abnormal activities too to get recognition.----- good sentence!

The Guinness Book of World Records can be the best example ...

all businessmen businesspeople want to make money selling...

...and players are tested each time they perform in their relatively short careers .

Nice job! Your writing has only a few errors!

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]


A LOT of people are paying attention to it! I think you should rephrase this.
heart disease is often called the "silent killer," because people fail to think about it when they should, so I understand what you mean, but I think you should write this differently. You can't say no one is paying attention to it.

I don't think "most leading" works. You should say "most common"

The basic way to help people avoid getting high blood pressure is through daily physical activities, healthy eating choices, avoiding eating foods with lots of salt and eat foods with potassium. ---- is this essay about a lack of awareness, or is it about these ideas for staying healthy?

Doctors don't follow the guidelines for treatment of high blood pressure so people are unaware of the treatment for it.--- again, this is not fair. You can't say in general that doctors don't do as they should. Some doctors do!

:-)

Book Reports / Olive Kitteridge semester paper thesis. [4]

When Henry and Olive are captivated ...
When writing about a piece of literature, it is goo to write in the present verb tense.

...captivated by drug seekers in a ...---- is captivated the right word? This sounds like they were "captivated," as in, "they were enthralled by the sight of the drug seekers." Captivated usually means deeply interested.

...local hospital, with thoughts of death been near, lingering in their minds, they shared with each their secret opinions of about their son's leaving.

this paper is intended to show that Kitteridge is sending a message to readers that human life is so fragile, so delicate; our souls, our hearts is just like a finely polished glasses - crystal when handled with care - though one day it's destined to shattered.

(I added those words to the beginning so that the teacher knows for sure that this is the thesis statement. Do you like it that way?)

:-)

Undergraduate / Embracing Adversity as a First Generation American- Transfer Optional Essay [4]

...but my parents assured me that I was Guyanese.

Sorry I didn't get to this before you sent it out!! I'm sure it will be received well, because it is so full of deep, thoughtful reflection, and it's so authentic! This really shows a real part of you that must be quite hard to express.

You don't really need the commas around "in no way"
I in no way regret the hardships I've endured, as they have enabled me to push myself to my greatest limit.

Book Reports / Marriage in Europe and China- A comparative essay/ report on a book article [7]

Awesome, no chasing rabbits. Yes, it's funny how different people have different associations with different words, and from here on out it is always good to use key words from the assignment in order to show profs clearly, "Look, I answered everything, so give me full credit!"

Undergraduate / The itellectuals. (an issue of importance to you) [2]


You can't make a generalization about most educators and most institutions... maybe you can write, "Too often, intellectuals are lost to the ..."

I remember in one of my sociology classes in which the instructor hardly listened to our own points of view on topics, and he just read the text book and explained what was in the book, he never asking for opinions or what we felt about certain topics.

We all know that art classes, especially classes like sociology---- sociology is not an art class. This sentence makes it sound like you think it is an art class.

... are interesting classes where students come up with different experiences in life and discuss how some certain topics relate to them. After a few weeks of a boring class, half of the students dropped, and the other few maybe failed the class or came out with no new ideas.

The government The decision-makers at academic institutions need to c oncentrate more on ...

You should go back and divide that long first paragraph into two paragraphs. That long first para seems to go on forever.

:-)

Graduate / Study Plan for Graduate Program, brand and marketing design [4]

I see what you mean! That's a funny mistake; you are an identity thief now!

:-) I deleted that post and put your comments in your own post above.

I know what you mean about the languages not translating directly. That is why you can make god money as a translator of words or documents. Computer programs can't translate directly, so if you read a lot in each language and practice well, you can be a great translator!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Commitment,Intellectual ability & Enthusiasm; Recommendation by academic advisor [8]

I was afraid this comment I made may have come out wrong. It's not that I think you should mention actual weaknesses; it's just that I think this could be more effective if it was more than just a typical letter of recommendation full of kind words. It is easy to establish credibility by using at least one sentence that described her strengths and the CORRESPONDING weaknesses. For example, when I was in school, I showed great enthusiasm and potential, but I had a learning block against math and science, which my transcript reflected. If this student has a similar area for improvement, you can mention it as something that is not actually bad... just something that adds definition to her personality and shows that you are giving a real, objective assessment. I hope I explained that well!

:-)

Undergraduate / Vanderbilt Summer Program (Science Outreach Program) [7]


Then you must not be inteested in science! Think about anything you are truly interested in. Whatever it is, you definitely can give a reason why, because you are enthusiastic about it.

If you are not even enthusiastic enough about science to think of an event that got you excited about it... then you must not have many memorable experiences with it.

What kind of science is it that you are interested in, anyway? When I was graduating high school, if someone asked me if I was interested in science I would have said no... but that was when I thought I was an artist type instead of a science type. Now I know that science is profound art... so I like both art and science.

I hope you try a few different kinds of jobs to see what you will really enjoy doing for your career. That wll help you learn what your interests are in science, what kind of work you want to do. Figure it all out for sure, so that you can choose the appropriate classes.

As for a brainstorming technique, sometimes it is just all about waiting until later in the day. Sometimes it is just not a tim for writing. But maybe now, as you look at several essays here at EssayForum, you will start to get inspired about a profound idea you have had, something that makes science a spiritual practice or a source of satisfaction, and you will suddenly start writing about that moment -- which does not have to involve any spectacular event -- but it was a moment when you really envisioned yourself working as a __________(fll in the blank.)

Write about that moment! You know the moment!

Research Papers / Thesis Statement Question (Cuban Missile Crisis) [3]

For this essay, and for any essay, the thesis statement has to come from the process of reading. For example, you are reading about the Cuban Missile Crisis, and all the events that surrounded it, and you suddenly think to yourself, "I realize now that two main factors were at work to make this happen: XXXXX and XXXXXX. But I don't see the Cuban Missile Crisis explained in terms of these two factors in any of the articles I have found, so I am going to write my own article to contribute this idea, now that I am something of an expert about the subject because of all the reading I have done.

Read 5 articles about it, and make a list of ideas! I'll help you turn one of them into a good, "arguable" thesis statement.

Graduate / 100-word statement of purpose for MA program in Political Science [6]

Yes! I understand. Great efficiency is necessary here, and your 1st sentence is indeed efficient and impressive. The 2nd sentence could be a little more efficient:

Led by the e Enthusiastic about to strengthen my previous economic education with critical understanding of the influence of liberal economists on political processes, I apply for MA program at XXX.

How about like that? This is quite a profound thought, and I think you are off to a good start.

Graduate / New Requirement = Odd Twist on the Personal Statement [3]


Well, it seems great to include analysis of a social problem and some recommendations for solutions in your personal statement. Your statement tells what you want to do with your career, at least for the first part of it. So, it would be incomplete without analysis of a social issue you feel strongly about.

So, your ideas are great, and it is also great to tackle larger issues by starting with what you have access to in the scope of what you will do in this field. The specific position you will play depends on your interests and aptitudes, so... give a few paragraphs that include the answers to both these questions. If you still feel blocked, choose an issue to work with and see how one professional can make a big splash and creat positive change that is far reaching.

Essays / Help with 1st sentence of Introduction - Topic Eurasion Water Milfoil [2]

Yeah, I think that first sentence could be beter. The fact that you live in an area with the milifoil is not really relevant if you are writing about the milifoil itself. Start with a hook about the milifoil... what is interesting about it?

You can start with a rhetorical question about it, or you can start by giving a quick, interesting fact about it. Make sure you start with an interesting sentence that tells something about it.

And I think it is not necessary to include this part:
to be referred to as "milfoil" from here on,

Undergraduate / "geology that involves engineering applications" - statement of purpose [2]


Wow! This is a good sentence. However, I made a small change in order to make it completely correct. But the sentence evokes emotion in the reader very powerfully. I turned it into 2 sentences.

contribute enormously towards to the...

Petroleum engineering, the field I love, i s such a unique and rare branch of engineering which offered by a limited number of universities in the nation.

I think you did a great job outlining your plan for the next five years. Type five instead of 5.
This is definitely impressive.

Undergraduate / Students Helping Honduras - William and Mary Re-open Transfer Statement [3]

This is pretty great! Let's get rd of the second comma in this sentence:
After taking a semester of German, I quickly declared it my major and have since been utterly consumed in it.

In order to answer the question better, develop that last paragraph a little more. Also, give some more detail about what kinds of work you would like to do. Being bilingual prepares you to help in many ways. For example, Germany is one of the leading nations in using renewable energy. Is this something you are interested in? Or are you interested in being a translator, or being involved with international business?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Hunger - it's difficult to fully grasp the plight of it; Causes, Concerns and Symptoms [3]

I suggest a new organization for that intro paragraph. You throw in questions at seemingly random places where they don't fit. Let's get organized at the end of the paragraph:

To understand hunger, we need to ask the following questions: (insert all of them). To end hunger we need to take the following steps: invest in ...

Do you know what I mean? I think you used too many questions, but they can work well in this essay if you ask them all at once as part of the way you develop the theme for the essay.

Good thesis statement!!

I don't think it is necessary to speak in terms of a hypothesis in that second paragraph. It is not necessary to speak of it as a hypothesis, because it is actually a simple fact that if people had the ability to produce their own food effectively, and control local resources, that poverty would be reduced.

Your topic sentences are great, and the argument you make is sensible. I think you should include in that intro paragraph some mention of spreading awareness, because you have a paragraph about that in the essay and it is obviously one of the steps you are outlining.

Great job!!!!!

Undergraduate / 'Think, understand, integrate, and prove' - University: Why Chicago [5]

Here is a place to trim away unnecessary details:
The above quote, said by philosopher and author Ayn Rand thoroughly describes the purpose...

I don't think you seize potential... how about "actualize potential."

I agree that the quotes seem to be "too much," but it is easy to fix. In order to support the use of a quote like the one you start with, you need to analze various parts of the quote throughout your essay. If you are not allowed to write more than a certain number of words, perhaps instead of discussing all aspects of the quote you can shorten the quote and give only part of it. or example:

"[The student] has to be taught to think, to understand, to integrate, to prove. He has to be taught the essentials of the knowledge discovered in the past-and he has to be equipped to acquire further knowledge by his own effort." ~Ayn Rand

I live my life logically and have...

This way, the quote would not be to big for the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / advice I've gotten from "Hero" by Mariah Carey [3]

I don't think you should end the second paragraph after only 2 sentences. Connect it with the third:
However, I worried about it, too. The reason I worried was...

This is very well-written, I like it! You should proceed with confidence. One thing that might make it better is more analysis and discussion of the actual advice in the song. Also, your topic sentences could be better: each topic sentence should express the main idea of the paragraph. That is not always necessarily true, but it is something that helps to create "good composition" (whatever that is!)

:-)

Writing Feedback / the town of Garlsdon: Maps, roads - IELTS cambridge 5 writting task1 [2]

Capitalize the first word:
The central part is the town centre and surrounding it is the housing district with two small industry districts in the northern and southern part within it, the outside field is the countryside area.

In its northwest, southwest and southeast are Hindon, Brandon and Cransdon respectively.------- very good sentence!!

In conclusion, there are a similar features between the two sites are their nearness to the main road and rail way, and the different features include their positions, the distance and population of their accessible towns.

:-)

Speeches / Step by step guide to prepare a speech [6]

What? I'm not sure what you mean! You are doing well already, so you should feel confident. Are you asking how the last paragraph can summarize the essay, as commet200 said? The last paragraph should talk about the main idea of the essay again, and just give some discussion about what it means or what its implications are. When you posted the essay, you alreay knew that the last para was not quite right, so you understand already. Look at some last paragraphs of some other essays to get ideas.

Just as an example, you can look at the little conclusion paragraph in this essay:essayforum.com/writing-3/control-mass-media-influence-people-ideas-15430/

Essays / pros and cons of cars - developing my essay [11]

A paragraph is usually around a hundred words or so... that is how I think of it. So this essay will have a brief intro and a brief body paragraph and a brief conclusion.

It is possible to write about for and against in a single paragraph.

Your problem is hard to understand, but I think I do understand it. This is a hard task they are asking of you. You are asking very good, intelligent questions here. Let me try to give an example of an essay that would work:

I used to think I knew how I felt about capitalism. Some people are for capitalism, because it is an important part of human progress, but other people are against it because of its inherent evils. I used to think that capitalism was obviously the best system for a society to use, but the discussion below shows that I am uncertain about the fairness of capitalism.

When I think of how fair capitalism is, I see that it is pure and fair, a set of rules that apply equally to everyone. However, I also see that many people have great power over others because of the circumstances into which they were born, and they have the ability to do terrible things like start big banks that can use predatory lending. Some people are against capitalism, because it makes people have to compete against one another instead of working together. However, most people think this kind of competition is necessary, so they are for capitalism. Now I don't know what to think!

In conclusion, I would like to read more about.... The implications of this discussion are ....

:-)

I am not sure if this example will help you, but I hope it does! Your question is an important one!!

Undergraduate / "environment design", Cornell transfer- reasons for transferring and objectives [3]


This makes me wonder what was lacking. It makes me want to know about some realization you had, some new objectives that you want to achieve and can best achieve at Cornell. What is your REAL reason for transferring. Throw in a little authenticity by giving a sentence that realy tells the real reason. Maybe it is simple; maybe you have had a vision that included Cornell for the past few years, and your process if finally about to take you there.

have impressed me extremely . Say this a different way!

also, I think those last two paragraphs seem underdeveloped. How about adding one more sentence to the beginning of each, a new topic sentence?
:-D
Good luck, I think they will like the style of thinking you seem to have.

Undergraduate / Baseball team, closer to God Transfer Essay, tell us something about yourself. [7]


This is not a god way to end the first paragraph. I am half way through the essay, and it seems like you are telling a lot of random things about yourself. The magic trick of composition is like this:

Use the lst sentence of the first paragraph to express a theme for the whole essay. What is the main idea you are expressing. If you had to answer their prompt question in a single sentence, what would it be?

Look at all the facts about yourself that you give, and ask yourself what connects them altogether. What kind of person/process (a person is a process) do they all add up to. Whatever it is, express it there at the end of paragraph one.

Also, this part needs a little change:
...nevertheless I overcame these injuries with determination of playing more. Besides baseball,

And let's get rid of the superficial stuff:
I also love playing and listening to music. Music is not superficial, but this sounds superficial like a myspace "about me section." You can mention things like this appreciation for music, but mention them as they relate to the main, memorable theme for the essay. What is your main theme? This is a big question!!!!

Undergraduate / "making video games" - your education at the ai to help you attain career goals [3]

I want to be involved in and surrounded by activities associated with game designing. ----- are you sure? some aspects of it are very tedious! Making games is very different from playing them. I wonder if you might also be getting ready to create all kinds of philosophical, educational, and entertaining multimedia. Maybe your aspirations are much broader. Games are worthy of attention, for sure, (life is all about games) but if you are able to make games you are also able to do all kinds of other things, too.

So, by discussing games and also other multimedia, you can show that you have excellent vision for the future.

I want my career to support my family and me. I will help the company create a good game.---------> these sentences are too boring and obvious! End this essay with a sentence that really feels right! Maybe it should be a sentence about the IMPLICATIONS of this aspiration you have.

:-D

Undergraduate / "want the real college experience" - University of Texas SOP Transfer [3]


This sentence above is a little awkward on the attention, but aside from that, your essay is SO great and full of imagery. I love it!

Okay, this sentence, too... it is melodramatic and it is an example of "telling" instead of "showing." In order to follow the rule, "Show, don't tell" (a rule for good writing), you can replace this last sentence of the firts para with a thesis statement that conveys the most important message... whatever it is that you want them to remember from this essay, write it here at the end of the first para.

I think you should look at each body para and ask yourself what point it is making. Then, based on those points, come up with a good last sentence for your first para -- one that really captures the truth you want the reader to remember.

Undergraduate / "a better insight into life at BU" - any other ideas? [8]

This is a good place to use one of those powerful, short phrases after a semi-colon:
It was 30 degrees outside and as I walked in to the auditorium one afternoon, I immediately regretted my decision to attend this event; the air-conditioners were under repair.

...because if you don't do this, you have to use "as" twice in an awkward way.

This needs more substance. I think you should condense all of this into 2 sentences at the beginning of an essay that culminates with a list of specific examples of resources, names of people, and events related to the field of study you want to pursue. Right now this doesn't really say much.

The many responsibilities you talk about at the beginning, the scene with cold air, ... all that should be condenses and expressed in just a sentence or two if the essay needs to be very brief. OR if you are allowed to use more words and make the essay longer, you should!! This is a great introduction, but it lacks substance. You need to have a real, detailed plan and be really excited about the field you are getting into. The time to choose a direction is now! (though you are allowed to change direction at any time)

:-D

Writing Feedback / Informational and persuasive essay on travel [3]


Awesome! You inspired me...


Wow, really? You are going to have a hard time persuading me!

Everyone has a different method for relieving the stress that mounts on a person throughout the day and because of this individual family members are left to cope on their own.---- when you waste all these words to say something obvious, it waters down the essay.

You do not write with errors, but I think you are able to improve a LOT if you read Stephen King's On Writing. Based on the way you write, I think you are at the perfect place in your practice to benefit by reading that book by King.

Paragraph 2 is completely useless for persuading someone about the merits of Seattle as a destination.

Paragraph 3 is the stuff you include in an informative essay, an informational essay... not a persuasie essay like this one! It is all information!

No, you need to never waste a single word, and find poignant ways to express each idea. You seem to be falling into the trap of writing for the sake of writing... like, trying to do "good composition" without really having anything to say.

I see that you are doing this to practice composition, and you have good topic sentences, a thesis statement at the end of the first para, etc. It is all good. But do not make the mistake of writing an essay without really feeling inspiration about the topic. You have to feel very inspired first, and then write.

A problem or this essay is that you are writing to the reader that the reader will love Seattle, but you write, "My personal connection to Seattle is what makes it so unique." That makes your argument weak, because Seattle just seems great to you, but it is not best for everyone...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "That birthday card" - Besides the Point? A Re-thread [2]


Ah, well... I was an idiot when I was college age, so I am happy to retain the youthful spirit while using discretion and methodical work. It is better to be a little older!

But what does that sentence have to do with this intro paragraph?
First of all, I'm well beyond college age. Years ago I received a birthday card that included a dimly recalled parable about two or three pilgrims on a journey who were somehow simply required to gather stones or pebbles and keep them, each in a sack.

This (above) is a nice way to begin. You can tell them that you are beyond college age (whatever that is) later in the essay, in some other way.

Oh!! Wait a minute! I see that this essay is about Essayforum, haha...


Yes, I would say so! And it is a beautiful way to express the idea, too, with the image of someone carrying around a bag of stones. Thanks for sharing this thought and correcting the way people interpreted the parable. It is no surprise that it is interpreted to be about knowledge acquisition here, because this site is full of college admissions essays.

I have something you share with you, too, about the redemptive value of suffering. I hope this will provide you with the same profound experience it provided me. It eased up a lot for me. Go meander aroud a bookstore and find a book by Victor Frankl called "Man's Search for Meaning." Find the section where he talks about a colleague whose wife had passed away. Read what Frankl wrote about the meaning that could be found in his suffering.

Thanks for participating!

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activites(extracurricular, personal activities,or work) [2]


Very interesting idea! I hope the admissions person who reads this essay is able to appreciate your contemplative style.

The extracurricular activity I participated in throughout my scholar high school years was cheerleading.

It sounds like cheerleading was the activity that empowered you and showed you how much you are capable of. That is meaningful. You express your ideas very well here. However, I wonder if "risk" is really a theme you want to use. Being on top of the pyramid is not just about taking risks, and taking risks is not always god. Furthermore, nurses do not take more risks, necessarily, but instead use great caution.

being on top of the pyramid is not just about risk, but also about responsibility and willingness to represent something.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Commitment,Intellectual ability & Enthusiasm; Recommendation by academic advisor [8]

If you are giving the names of the classes, capitalize them:
She also was one of my students in Basic Photography and Photography Design class.
but that actually does not seem right... I suggest this:
She also was one of my students in a basic photography and a photography design class.

This is written very nicely, but in order to establish credibility I think you should mention her weakness. Her weakness might be that she had a lack of confidence in the past or that she puts other people's needs ahead of her own. It does not have to be something bad. But if you include some mention of her "weakness" or areas that need improvement, it will give this much more credibility.

:-) this is very nice of you, and also... you should feel confident about your English. We really appreciate when teachers participate here at EssayForum!!

Writing Feedback / Maps, roads - IELTS cambridge 5 writting task1 check out the grammar [5]

Thanks everyone! You are all making this forum a great place by helping each other so much.

In this English language practice, I can see that you have a good vocabulary already. You seem to be at a point in your practice when it is important to listen to audiobooks in English and read books aloud (at least 10 minutes per day.) Get used to how the words are used as phrases. For example:

The main roads also facilitate travel for individuals in Hindon as they arrive go to and from the north-west supermarket. On the other hand, consumers in Bransdon and Cransdon have to drive quite as 16km and 25km to arrive.

When I say you need to listen to audiotapes, it is because I think that will help you train your mind to use verbs correctly, like the verb "to be" in this sentence:

First of all, when supermarket in Town Center be established ...
First of all, when supermarket is established in Town Center ...

You can only perfect your English by listening and speaking aloud. :-)

Graduate / Study Plan for Graduate Program, brand and marketing design [4]


That's very nice of you to say. Well, if you are bilingual, you probably understand the other bilingual people who are trying to learn English. You can help them a lot with their essays, even if your English is not perfect!

:-)

I like your username.

I chose Taiwan as my study destination, because I am interested in joining National Cheng Kung University (NCKU) because only NCKU has master's degree program in Brand and Marketing Design taught in English.

Studying at NCKU also gives me chances to study the Chinese language, which has been acknowledged as one of most important International languages (name the source. Who acknowledges it as an important language?).

working and becoming:
Working overseas and becoming a professional are the goals included in my future plan.

Therefore , I am applying to the Brand and Marketing Design program in National Cheng Kung University (NCKU). I was delighted when finding to find a program that meets my expectations and empowers me to fulfill my aspirations.

The second essay is SO impressie!! You will do very well.

I also have been trained to think creatively and create apply creative concepts by my assignments.

Dissertations / job satisfaction or job commitment- a research dissertation topic, MBA student [2]

Great idea! Many, many studies have been done about this. You have no choice but to read the all! You have to use your school's library database or some other database for professional journal articles (peer reviewed, scholarly articles), and do a word search for "job satisfaction" and "retention" and "turnover" and "job commitment." You should read every article that seems similar to what you want to do.

If you do NOT read at least 10 articles from recent literature about this subject, it will be like jumping into a conversation that other people are having: you won't know what to say because you won't know what has been talked about already.

When you find articles that are smilar to what you want to do, see if they have a literature review section. Most articles spend a few paragraphs discussing what has been done in the field recently. Based on what other people have done, you can see what could be measured differently or what still needs to be measured better.

Do you want to use interviews (qualitative) or quantitative analysis, or some different research method?

Undergraduate / To bring forth excellence one must seek opportunity and recognize it; Peace Corps volunteer [2]


I think this sentence above should be your first sentence. All the stuff before it surely comes from the heart, but it's what some call "pontificating," or "waxing philosophical." And this part does not seem quite right: "...glue to selfless service and understanding."

If you want to write this part with these words, you need to use a dash or a comma instead of a period:
My fondest experiences have been with friends from abroad, with differing languages and religions -- beginning with my friend from Bangladesh, who could speak several languages, was a Muslim, and meshed seamlessly into society.

If you don't do that, the sentence that starts with "Beginning" is an incomplete sentence. I suggest this way:
My fondest experiences have been with friends from abroad, with differing languages and religions. Beginning with My friend from Bangladesh could speak several languages, was a Muslim, and meshed seamlessly into society.

This material is all very good and thoughtful. I think you can improve this last sentence, though, so that it does not have this confusing part:

"and I find that I will follow..."

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Virginia - Dinner with Three People: Who and Why? [2]

I finally found a mistake! You write very well, so it was hard to find:
I had just graduated out of high school at that time, and it was rare for those without a law degree to intern there.

What this is missing is an intro paragraph. Also, add a conclusion paragraph. For good composition, it might be best to write an intro paragraph that tries to establish a THEME based on this personality type you are, this type of person who would choose these three people. These three people represent the virtues of ______, _______, and __________. Write an intro that names the 3 people and establishes a theme.

Then, add a thoughtful conclusion paragraph that reflects more about the introspection you are doing. Let this become a classif 5 paragraph essay, with each body paragraph covering one of the 3 people.

:-)

Book Reports / Argumentative essay of the theme of dream/American dreams in the great gatsby [2]

his thesis sentence seems strange because of "idealism to which"...
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald is a testament to this time of dreaming and the idealism that makes the American Dream achievable.

The American dream is a tribute to our idealism in that no matter a person's background or situation they can yearn for a better life, in past or present.----- very good sentence!! I would change it a little, though:

The American dream is a tribute to our idealism in that, irrespective of a person's background or situation, she or he can yearn for a better life -- in past or present.

I think this is a block quote, right? ----> "I became aware of the old ..."
If it is a block quote (one that is indented an inch because it is so long), then you dn't need " " marks around it.

Google this: MLA block quotes quotation marks

This is looking great! Your topic sentences are excellent, and the essay is meaningful enough to be worthy of The Great Gatsby.

:-)

Graduate / "my volunteer exercise with WHO" [2]

I met a 28 year-old woman during my volunteer exercise with WHO in the KICK POLIO OUT program in Lagos, Nigeria.

Having been married at an early age of fifteen , with little or no formal education, her broad knowledge of self personal health was greatly diminished. --- this is an impressive sentence!!

Her children, the oldest of whom was t welve years of age, had never been immunized. Her idea of health care is what her local herbal doctor could provide; her youngest child has acute flaccid paralysis, and her belief is that it is what her 'god' allows.

use a comma:
I constantly have heated discussions with my colleagues, trying to convince them that the reported cases of disease outbreaks are smaller numerically as a result of lack of reporting and data collection.----- do they really debate this? I don't know why anyone would debate the notion that research data does not reflect the total number.

This is all very impressive; you should feel confidant!

The successful completion of this program for me will place me in ...

28 year-old