Writing Feedback / CLEP - Individual Opportunity: Myth or Reality? [4]

Wow ... your English is so beautiful!!! I only found few mistakes aside those you corrected yourself. :D What I would do however is I'd go through the essay again and try to trim it down. At the beginning especially you used "opportunity" and "individual" quite a lot. However, some people are ok with repetitions some are not. It's up to you honestly.

However, let me point one thing out. What about a situation where the circumstances are favorable for a certain individual, but are completely unrelated to his past actions. Is opportunity in this case still just a state of mind, a myth? Perhaps not. Maybe opportunity depends on whether one is able to notice it or not - or simply said if he or she is able to make a right choice. Maybe opportunity is just obvious to some. Maybe it chooses to be mere luck, maybe it's just a way to describe optimism. But a rational human being will not base opportunity just on hope or dreams. Just a thought. :)

Each individual in every moment of their liveshis/her life exists -- you are referring to "each individual" (singular).

Hitler's' view -- you don't need the second apostrophe.

But , alas, -- interjections must be delimited by two commas when they are in the middle of a sentence.

Good luck! :D

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

Um, it's good, but I still think you should develop that idea in a whole paragraph.

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

You did show what you intended to, but I personally cannot relate to that. In my experience, no bully ever stopped when he was asked to stop. You can only shut a bully up by bullying him back. However, as I said, this is just my very own opinion, it doesn't change that you have written a very good essay! :D

Oh, yes, I totally forgot to mention this: you must edit your essay and say how this experience prepared you for the future. Because from your essay the reader understands just one thing: you are hardcore! So add some more depth to your essay by making this whole story shorter and also mention some of your goals!

Undergraduate / "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all" Common App Essay [8]

Hei Mary! :D

You shouldn't worry that much about your grammar, your English is gorgeous. The essay has a perfect structure and you definitely have your way with words.

Don't take this the wrong way, but bullies aren't bad. Any species follows a process called "natural selection" with the purpose of getting rid of inferior specimens. The reason bullies are perceived as bad is because we are being thought that violence is bad. It should not be a matter of stopping bullying, but teaching kids how to deal with it; teaching them that it is necessary sometimes to bully the bullies back. You know, for the sake of their own sanity and such. However, that is just my opinion.

Good luck! :D

It was just another day. I was eating dinner and watching the 6 o'clock news

I could see how the words were painfully pinching her skin in pain .

I was extremely proud like a teacher that had accomplished theirher task.

It was a glorious moment in my life and it will always rest in my memories.

Undergraduate / Kenan-Flagler Business School essay help. How to begin? (Two choices) [3]

Hei, Kurt!

Here some suggestions:
1. Past experiences have proven me time and time again that no team can function properly without it's people, without a common goal, without motivation. But sometimes, somewhere along the road people slip. They want to give up their goal, they lose their motivation. And I have learned that the one to bring them back on track is a leader.

2. One I was engaged in a Calc II Maple project with fellow colleges. We were required ...
3. A plumber always needs his wrench or else he would be impaired. He must fix pipes and drains and installations and make all the nuts and screws stick together. Similarly, a team must achieve a common goal, a team must be organized and strong, a team must be a team. Similarly to the plumber, a team needs something to keep it together. However, it does not need a wrench, it needs a leader. [Ugh, I chose a bad example, but you get the idea. Compare the relationship leader-team to something else.]

Now, let me be honest: Anyone could start your essay for you, but the words that will suit you best will be your own words. If you feel like skipping an intro, skip it, jump right into the matter and talk about your project. If not, then write one.

I know it can be hard, but think about how you motivated others to finish that difficult project you want to talk about. Now start kicking your own ass and write an essay already! If it doesn't turn out well the first time, it's no problem, we're here to help!

Good luck! :D

Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]


Well, aleaf, when you write an essay, you write it for a reason. Perhaps, you find the subject interesting, perhaps it's a matter you can relate to [we exclude the "it's-a-test" option here]. The point is, you want to transmit a message and the best way to do that is to maintain a classical essay structure. I think a conclusion is very important. If you've seen "The King's Speech", perhaps you remember that last radio broadcast about the beginning of WW1. And it's ending, the conclusion, was the most powerful part of the king's (um) essay. :)


Oh, I have problems with word limit too! What I personally try to do is focus on quality, not quantity. So, I mention the most important aspects I must take into consideration and -if there's any room left- I add the most relevant details. There's really no other option here than really trimming your ideas down to the core.

However, if it's not a serious essay you can, of course, just play around with words. :D

My Romanian teacher gave me some great advice last year: "A good writer keeps things simple." And most of the times honestly, simplicity can be your best ally.

Writing Feedback / 'Medicine, technology, and lifestyle changes' - The 21 century has begun [2]

Hei Aysel! :D

Your essay structure is flawless and you definitely have thought of some strong points to make your argument. However, there are some mistakes that you should try to correct.

I noticed quite a few times throughout your essay that you start introducing an argument uncertain of a fact and then continue in a very confident tone. Here an example:

We wish they will be able to find out outlets for the most incurable diseases. The number of patients will decrease.
When you "wish", you do not know the outcome of future events. That's why you shouldn't boldly state that patients will get better. You can only hope they will get better.

The second most improving field is medicine. I think that, as in ancient times, new drugs and medicines will be produced.
Again here, but now you start off very confidently and then you go soft. If you know that the second most improving field medicine is, then mention perhaps a revolutionary drug that has been discovered.

What I am trying to say is: rethink your paragraphs! Start off with a fact that backs you up. This will also help you work on coherency.

It isn't incorrect to use words like "things" or "stuff", but they are not particularly good looking in an essay. Try to replace those words with more concrete nouns or subordinate clauses.

Good luck! :D

Writing Feedback / Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test [6]

Hei there! :D

First of all, I suggest you go over the tenses again. You could make a table or draw an axis and then put that piece of paper somewhere you will see it all the time. Tenses can be hard to understand, but they are worth mastering.

Also, always keep in mind the essay structure (introduction, body and conclusion). Try to write this essay again and give it more depth. Don't make it just about the roads in Chorleywood. You could explain perhaps how this helped the community develop economically and socially.

You don't have to be a grammar pro to figure out how to write a half-decent intro. Perhaps it would be better to avoid juggling around with sentences; keep things simple and try to imagine taking steps. You will build a sentence one step at the time.

i.e.: The illustration demonstrates, from 1986 to 1994, the changes and development in Chorleywood which is a village close to London.
Chorleywood, a village close to London, has shown remarkable change and development between 1986 and 1994. [step 1:What is Chorleywood? step 2: Why are you bringing it up?]

______________
* - "spiral"(vb.) = 1. to assume or cause to assume a spiral course or shape 2. (intr.) to increase or decrease with steady acceleration: wages and prices continue to spiral (I would rather use this if you must talk about finances and such.)

Writing Feedback / Less than half of high school graduates with a diploma. - an essay [6]


Oh, you just made me remember my history teacher that left this year!!! He was the best teacher ever, he made me like history and we talked about anything with him. He didn't even punish my classmates when he caught them smoking weed. He was a bitch when it came to grades, but overall a great teacher.

I feel that you learn most of the times from what you experience outside classes, from what you read, from your acquaintances and from your parents. But not the kind of "mom tells wise words". Most of them expecting you to take care of them when they are old and impotent of doing anything, so they tend to push you a lot and restrict the small range of freedom that you have. I know they mean well, but driven by instincts they fail big time. Sadly, I can count the open-minded parents I know on my fingers.

Thanks for your comment! :D

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]

Oh, you're getting aggressive :P ... I am sorry if i was offensive, but just like you believe in a godly presence, so do I think differently. We could debate over this a lot, but know that I'm not not trying to prove anything. I respect people who believe in a god or who say that there is too much beauty in this world to explain it all by mere reactions or physical phenomena. An if you choose to ignore what I said, that's fine too. But just because I choose to search for an explanation among the sciences does not make me a bad person or an idiot.


That is wrong. Before the Big Bang there was most definitely matter in the universe. Actually, 90% of it was dark matter with the important characteristic of dark matter is to generate a very great gravitational force which lead some to believe that, alongside the dark energy, have produced that explosion.

And why shouldn't there have been energy in our universe all along? Perhaps "god" is exactly that; a metaphor for energy.

Ok ... so that teacher said that we were lucky the universe got created. Yes, well it was a probability. You think when you bet that there is a god to decide what will happen? No, there's always a probability. And you know what is still depending on probability? Miracles, unexpected healing. They rely on probability as well. And if after several heart attacks you get to live, well then you were lucky too. The fact that it is unbelievable is just another thing.

Black holes are awesome. They are the ones who created the universe if you ask me and the ones to destroy it all in billions of years. The Big Bang as essentially very hot and dense energy exploding and spreading in all directions.

The make the universe contract and, perhaps after some more billions of years, that whole energy will exploe again into a new big bang. Yes, yes, my theories are not reliable, but whatever.

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]

It is absurd to call any god superior. Mostly because shrines and churches and temples are nothing but profane. You cannot infuse objects with spiritual power. Rituals also are nothing but formalities without necessarily reflecting the purity or the seriousness of the believer.

And I think it is important to notice this because no person today, I believe, will love a god more than he/she will love his/her own family. The theory of agape in Christianity and ahave in Judaism underline the fact that loving the creator of the world should be the first on a human beings priority list. Allah translates to "the loving one" leading us to believe that he is the one to hold the pure shape of love.

Eastern religions do have a more human approach to love. Bhakti (Hindu) more clearly explains what it wants from the believer: worship and love and engaging into your own enlightenment. It puts what is happening in you, your manifest of belief in your soul above orthopraxy. In Buddhism, the right love is the one who reconstructs your self and also helps other beings around you.

What most of these religions (excluding Hinduism) have in common, is they ask you to put the higher purpose of your existence on the top of your list, the afterlife being clearly highly important. Not believing in a religion does not necessarily make one ignorant, but perhaps more honest about himself/ herself.

Can anyone say they are believers? To be a believer you have to venerate, to love, to put before all others the god(s) of that specific religion. If not, you aren't a ... veritable jewel, so to say.

You might be right about the time thing. I only said what my personal view on it is. For me time does not represent distance even though they are obviously related. For me time is my scale of measuring some aspects of my existence. When you say you are 10 years old, you most definitely do not mean distance :P Regarding the "light years": "A light-year [...] is a unit of length, equal to just under 10 trillion kilometres (1016 metres, 10 petametres or about 6 trillion miles). As defined by the International Astronomical Union (IAU), a light-year is the distance that light travels in a vacuum in one Julian year." A light year is employing time indirectly to calculate distance; that's why I don't believe you can put a big equal sign between time and distance. If you take it this way, you could say "The store is 1 km away." as well as "The store is 10 minutes away." Instead of saying: "The galaxy X is 10 trillion km away, you say "It's 1 ly away."

I have no idea what relativistic mechanics are ... so mya ...

To me yoga is science. It is actually one of the most advanced workouts ever. The theory of manipulating energy is also pretty darn amazing. :D Really tones the ass and legs.


On a book on my desk there is a quote by Albert Einstein: "Dostoevsky gives me more than any scientist." Albert Einstein was fascinated by the human mind and ... he also lived a time where most Jews strongly turned to their religion. I would avoid taking him as a strong example.

But here some statistics: 60-93% of scientist unions are made of atheists. [A lot of sites out there with varied numbers.]
Stephen fucking Hawkins is an atheist. He writes: "The question is: is the way the universe began chosen by God for reasons we can't understand, or was it determined by a law of science? I believe the second." He adds, "Because there is a law such as gravity, the Universe can and will create itself from nothing."

Why don't scientists try to bring people back to life? Because there is no reason to do that. The planet is overpopulated and there are far greater problems than resurrecting the dead (like cancer or hunger).

There is also no interest in creating a creature as smart as we are. It is much better to use the money we would invest into such an research and actually train other humans to cultivate their intelligence.


Yes, more precisely, this reaction first occurs in the nerve cells (or sensors when we're talking about lesser creatures) where it generates a different signal that what every specific cell was expecting. Every organism will try to adapt itself to current factors of the surroundings in order to survive. The brain is the center of processing data. The information received from the nerve cells will be then sent to the organs and the muscles to adapt accordingly. Upon more intense impulses of the surroundings the adaptation might lead to a different protein synthesis in the organism, modifying the DNA structure. Hence a species of tigers many many years ago evolved into a dolphin. [Dolphins are cute :3]


The fact that there are churches and temples is the proof to why the superior god isn't omnipotent. If he were omnipotent he would have at least managed to keep the same religion all over the world.

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]


Well, time is a measure unit. It is a scale we, humans, came up with to determine evolution/deterioration. As long as there's movement or energy there is either evolution or deterioration.

Scientists have not fully explained how the universe was born, however they hope to come closer to understanding the Big Bang with the particle accelerator. As far as I know, they have managed to recreate the primordial particle, a primitive particle that was revolving around the universe before the Big Bang. Also, well-known Stephen Hawking had another pretty neat hypothesis: as well as water bubbles appear when boiling water, there were perhaps some energy fluctuations in that space that may have intensified to the point of exploding. Yes, this isn't an explanation, but to me refuting the work these intelligent people do trying to elucidate the mysteries of our world by just saying: "It is god that made this happen." ... it is just wrong.


Superior by what scale? It is absurd to classify god or spirits as superior because, whether you like it or not, the biggest part of the world around you is not spirits. You need this material world more than you need a parallel spiritual world. However, this can lead to a long debate. Anyone could say that we are emotional, not rational beings, hence the perception of our world is not always the same, and I am not here to quarrel.


Ha ha, knowledge is a human's drug, ajit. If we are satisfied with the world around us, if we stop questioning what we see, what we hear, what we believe in, if we wouldn't struggle to improve, then we wouldn't be human.

If there is a deity out there that created the world and us, then perhaps that god was aware that it is in our nature to turn away from him and to chose the hard way. We, humans, are nature too. How can the extent of our mind suddenly not be then?

Another thing about the paranormal: If spirits and gods are indeed superior (by nature) then ... why don't they try to better life on earth? Not for me, I have everything I need, but I suppose children dying of cancer would be loving to be able to live. Is everything paranormal hating humans? Do they even have some sort of power to change our world or punish us? If they do punish us, then that means they are not so different from us, so they are actually what we should be afraid of? And if we are afraid, that means we have to live entangled by not existing rules?

A quote for you, I know you like quotes :P

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?" - Epicurus

Great essay :D ... I agree with you on some level, but not fully. I wish I could, as I already told you, but ... pif.

Essays / 'Hitler's War' Essay - description of World War II. [3]

Uh, it is usually hard to ask for such interpretations because the chances that someone might know something about the source you referring to are pretty low. How about you write a demo essay and I'm sure you'll do get some help with that! ;D

But of course this isn't something you would really like to hear.

What is "Hitler's War" supposed to be? A film? A book? A metaphor?

What I could find out (besides "Hitler's War" the game) is that there are two books with with this title. One is a biography of Adolf Hitler by David Irving and the other one is a a novel by Harry Turtledove. I haven't read the books, but that's where Wikipedia comes in handy.

Harry Turtledove wrote a series of novels entitled "The War That Came Early". The first book was carrying the same title you have been given. The events are being presented from the perspective of soldiers during the years of 1938 and 1939.

But I suppose that it is the other book you might be referring to since that is the one to have caused the most controversy. According to Irving, Hitler was not that bad of a man. Apparently, he declared war due to the circumstances the Allied Forces created. It is also being mentioned that he was not the one to order the Holocaust; two of his subordinates prepared it (more or less) in secret.

Another interesting fact about this book is the decision taken by the publisher to remove anything that claimed the Fuehrer had no idea of the Holocaust being organised in the background. The writer used the opportunity to accuse historians of doing a lousy job researching events of such great relevance. All in all, Irving tried to absolve Hitler of some of Germany's mistakes that have been attributed to him.

I really avoid making a concrete decision here. I have not read the book and I am no expert on WW2. When analysing a historic event I think it is best to read general impressions on the war and then look for two subjective opinions, a pro and a contra one. And, as I said, it would be perhaps best.

What to search for regarding the book: reviews at that time, some more recent opinions and some biography on the writer.
Regarding WW2: in this case it would be perhaps best to look more closely at what was happening in Germany. And some facts on Hitler's family too.

I hope this helps! Good luck! :D

Writing Feedback / TOELF-should children play computer games [5]


Does this first sentence NOT reveal what she will write about and what her feelings on this matter are?

[Also, Yun, it's: "it is not rare to see that many children trapped into their virtual world of bloody computer games". Sorry, it somehow slipped the first time.]

Grammar, Usage / "intended [only] for the use?" - Legal disclaimer grammar [4]

I think you can use the second one if you try to emphasise what you are trying to say. It's not the matter about the sentences being correct or not -they both are, but the second one is definitely more categorical than the first one. :)

Essays / CREATIVE WRITING COMPETITION (how to write a good creative essay?) [4]

Hei Sadiya! :D

Well ... no one can give you a good idea. You must come up with it!

However, I strongly advise you to not start writing the minute you are supposed to. Take 5-10 minutes to calm yourself down and think about what subject you have been given and what your personal ideas and feelings on that matter are.

Next, draw a simple "map" that will help you guide yourself through the essay. However, don't let yourself be constricted by it. If you feel like a good idea comes along while writing, forget what you might have in your plan.

Whatever you do, do not write for more than 5 minutes on a different piece of paper other than the one you'll hand over for evaluation, you'll only lose time.

And after finishing don't read your essay more than two or three times, or else everything will start seeming wrong to you.
Use words you are familiar with and refrain from writing too long sentences.
Now, if you receive a subject you don't like or that is boring, twist it! It is called creative writing after all.

Good luck!

Graduate / "the sucessful study at the business school" - Motivation Letter for MBA program [4]

Hei Mario! :D

I don't really know what to say. It really seems like you are an exceptional, smart, overqualified guy! And I guess that is important. I am not so sure what the prompt was, so I suppose it is ok. But I don't know for sure ... I feel like the essay you send should contain something else than what is already written in your resume. The first thing someone looks at is the resume, then the essay. If the essay will be a synopsis of the CV, then I suppose it can get quite boring. However, as I said, I do not know the prompt. So it might actually be the thing they asked for.

Please do explain what you meant where I have written with blue, because the sentence is wrong as it is now.

Oh, and next time, refrain yourself to one X! Damn, some might actually think you're bragging!

Writing Feedback / TOELF-should children play computer games [5]

Hei Yun!
First of all, welcome to EF! Have a nice time around here! :3

I love that you have such a firm opinion about computer games, but know that you don't become addicted to a game if you are happy about your life and have things to do to begin with. Most people end up playing games because they are already depressed or down. The fact that the game doesn't help ameliorate this state of mind is another thing.

However, it was a great essay! :D

Writing Feedback / 'born in Dehiwala; life of opportunities' - Essay about "MySelf" [4]

Hi! good morning. -- I think this is not part of the essay, but good morning to you too! And welcome to EF! :D

I think you should try to improve on flow. Read the essay out loud after finishing it. I know it's safe to go with short sentences, but they can really hack your writing up.

You could also try to revise prepositions a bit. I know they can be really stressful. [If you enjoy watching a TV series in English, try to listen to what characters are saying without subtitles. This is how I at least fixed most of such problems.]

Also, start new paragraphs to separate the body from intro and conclusion! It can be much easier to follow you through your essay. :)

_____________

* - shift(vb.; used with object) = to put (something) aside and replace it by another or others; change or exchange (e.g.: to shift friends; to shift ideas)

*- move(vb.; used with object) = to change from one place or position to another

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]

Aha .. Thanks! :D

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]


I still have a question about this: when you talk about "government" in general should you use the plural?

Let's say for example you have the following sentence:
Governments should protect the interest of citizens.
Is it correct or should it be:
A government should protect the interest of citizens.

Letters / Letter to University about my A level exams [5]


Pf! Hei? Sir, this is not to be borne! How dare you employ my way of greeting after having whinged about it?! >P

Hmm ... weird :-? I cannot say I didn't get a response. I remember receiving a mail saying: "We'll let Kev 'n Susan know about your message". So I thought I was a contributor already XD. If that's the message I should have gotten, then yes, I got a response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ADVERTISING- POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE PART OF OUR LIVES [7]


Yep, do so! If you have 40 minutes to write I think you could take at least 5 to put some thoughts together. :D

Writing Feedback / Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program [4]

Hei Shahdad! :D

I don't know if you have improved or not, but I can definitely say that you still don't know how to hit the "space" key on your keyboard. Next time take your time to properly separate words.

Your radical approach to this topic is not so strategic, to be honest. There are definitely some advantages that are worth mentioning. Try to always think why something might be implemented. What determined some to come up with the idea of "financial ed"? Well, perhaps some are interested in studying this. Or perhaps they think that they can educate other on a more careful spending to avoid bankruptcy. At the risk of upsetting you, I must say that protesting against a something without having carefully considered the reasons why it has been suggested in the first place might lead some to believe that you are an ignorant.

Also, try to write shorter sentences! You will make less mistakes and the reader will follow you better.

Poetry / Why do I love you so much... [4]

What a cute poem!! :3
However, I would keep the same number of syllables in each verse other than "why do I love you so much". And perhaps some punctuation would even help you to express your feelings. But that's up to you :P

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'school memories'; Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life. [3]

Hei there! :D

Your English is pretty darn good, don't get me wrong, but your essay is really boring. It does have structure, it's coherent, but it lacks a certain something. It really does seem like you have limited yourself to a very strict category of people. I am sure there are many who will say life can be fun regardless of age. However, if you don't have any further thoughts on this matter, at least try to explain in another paragraph why adulthood seems so appealing to children and such.

Also, try to read the essay after you finish and cut back on some words that you kept repeating (fun, learn).

Good luck! :3

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]

Hei Shahdad! :D

Welcome to Essay Forums! I hope you'll find your stay here to be of some use!

I don't know how to grade your essay according to the IELTS, but it is a pretty decent essay.

Please hit space after finishing a sentence or after a comma.
It is not funny.It is sad. --> It is not funny._ It is sad.
Therefore,I'm not laughing. --> Therefore,_ I am not laughing.

You're essay is definitely structured, but I feel like your suggestions are unrealistic. Building more and more universities will not better the conditions in rural areas. If a government decides to increase loans, that would only make it collapse in debt it won't be able to repay. What could be done is to promote other jobs that do not require college education. Teachers should motivate high school seniors to open their own businesses and be able to produce something. Let's remember that a society needs all kinds of jobs to stay balanced. We don't need only doctors and lawyers, but also bakers, housekeepers, tailors, farmers and bus drivers. Those salaries should be risen in order for this to happen. I can guarantee you, that if a farmer would gain money and respect by doing a good job more people would try to become farmers.

Writing Feedback / If we choose an animal to like, we should do our best to protect them [4]

Haha ... respect towards animals you say ... You want to show children respect towards animals by patting your doggies and slaughtering a pig for dinner. You want to show them animals are great friends and you do not know how to kill insects on a 1km radius around you quicker. Animals that should be respected are in your eyes doggies, kitties, cute sheep and smiling giraffes. If someone kills a snake you'll be gazing at that dead creature and say: "Well thank god that motherfucker didn't get too close."

Be realistic, your dog is not even close to be a family member, because if your dad would sit around the whole day doing nothing your mom would probably kick the shit out of him. Dogs and cats aren't even doing what they are supposed to be doing (like guarding a house or catching mice). They have become mobile statues meant for our own entertainment. You do not behave to an animal the way you behave out of respect and consideration, but out of pity and interest in your own satisfaction.

Book Reports / How Great the Ateneo - La Salle Rivalry is [4]

Wow ... your English is absolutely beautiful! You should definitely try to write more! :3

Through the years, ... -- This is just a preference thing, I suppose, but I would use throughout, not through.

.. wherein(= in what/in which - makes no sense here)whenthe people's spirits tend to become so high with the hopes of their school winning the championship that ... . -- I feel like that "so" is hinting at an upcoming final clause (e.g.: People's spirits get so high that the tension between the rivals amplifies.)

It's also about inspiring others into trying -- I might be wrong here, but I would usually use: inspiring others to try .

Our rivalsrivalries aren't just our competitions.

If you really are better than the others , don't act like the uneducated one(/don't act uneducated; don't be the uneducated one) and boast off your greatness.

If you'd ask me, such rivalries are actually a distraction from what we should actually focus on; trying to compete with ourselves. [We exclude, of course, sports, because in that case competition is inevitable.] I know you might think it is basically the same thing and, yes, it is basically the same thing. But there is still a slight difference there. By competing with yourself you will discover yourself [this sounds really awful] and in the process you might actually get to help others. Why adopt a negative attitude when you can have a much more productive way of learning?

Rivalry is based upon spite and ire, upon cockiness and envy. And, as H. Coffin once said, "Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own."

But that is just my take on this matter. Congrats on a very good essay! :D

Essays / Key incidents and characterisation in "The Curious Incident ..." [6]

Hei Caitlin! :D

First of all, you do a great job by planning your essay before writing it! That's the right way to do it.


If you have to write about a book without having been given a concrete prompt, perhaps it would be good to think about a particular incident in it, or a thought or a character that impressed you and build your essay up on that.

In such a case you need to summarise the essay first of all. While summarsing make sure to comment on what's happening. If you plan to add something afterwards, that is not so no good, because it would be pretty much ripped out of context. (Here you will also incorporate your key incidents.)

You should mention themes that seemed to stand for what you're analysing. I haven't read this book, but I'll give you a random example. Let's say you have a novel about war and love, but you want to look closer at the loving part; or, in your opinion, the accent falls on the loving part. In this case you do mention that there is a war going on, but you care more about love. [sorry, for repeating so many words]

I don't really know how relevant form, structure or language features might be to. If you think they are of great importance, perhaps you should mention them, but I never really talk about them so I wouldn't know where to tell you to incorporate them. [I do remember when I was writing essays on plays and such that I would mention language features when talking about a character. Form and structure ... hm, look around and see where they best fit in.]

It is obvious that a charaterisation will fit in perfectly after mentioning the themes. Always remember to create a comparison based upon the interactions between figures.

And then write a great personal opinion down and finish the essay off with a thoughtful conclusion.

Here's all I've been saying as a scheme:

1. Introduction (Give the reader a hint on what you are going to develop in the upcoming essay. You could also choose a quote to begin or talk about the author and such if the events in his life are relevant to what his piece of writing is about.)

2. Body

summarise the given text and comment on what's happening at the same time (key incidents go in here too, even though you are free to talk about them in more detail after)

- mention themes and try to underline the most important one(s) to making your point
- talk about a character
- enclose a personal opinion on the matter you chose

3. Conclusion (Basically, you present the main idea of the intro again and add some more info to it.)

Good luck with this! :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Tourism: Advantages outweigh Disadvantages? 'setting restriction areas' [4]

Winnie, this might sound silly, but before you start writing an essay take 5 minutes to put your ideas down in a scheme or diagram. It will help you organise your thoughts better and improve on flow and coherence.

Essays / A comparison essay on two living things - need help for an idea [4]

Oh, this is such a cute essay prompt! :3

Well, I think you should first of all have a look at this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_interaction All possible types of relationships between animals are here. Pick the one you think you will be able to talk about.

I know this isn't the best example, but when I think about a really awesome relationship in nature, I always think about those butterflies who migrate and a very pretty flower. If I'm not wrong, I think it's the monarch and the swamp milkweed. The caterpillars of this butterfly are a plague that's why the plant releases a white, milky substance from it's leaves when bitten that swallows the caterpillar killing it. It's really creepy and beautiful at the same time.

But letting that aside, find whatever works best for you :D

Writing Feedback / The ideal teacher: a missionary [4]

You're very much welcome! However, Kevin and Susan are the pros around here, so better wait for a second opinion.
Geez, I don't know why I read Mirele. Yes, Mirela is Romanian. But, pif! I'm not alone, that's good to know! >D

I'm glad I could help. If you have any questions, let me know! :D

Writing Feedback / The ideal teacher: a missionary [4]

Hei Mirele! :D

I read your essay and here are my corrections. Good luck!

TheA teacher is the person who not only sows not only the seeds of knowledge in his student, but he also he has aninfluence(1) upon their attitude toward the school, the people and the world that surround us. He has also a special influence in modeling his students, their features and their character.

That is why teacher profession(/being a good teacher; becoming a teacher)demands(/requires) many skills and abilities and if these skills arewere innate, that would be ideal.(2)

Not everyone can practice this profession that demands a life surrounded by children.(Not everyone is made to spend the rest of their life surrounded by children.)

So,I n my opinion, the person who wishes to become a good teacher should not only to want it , but tohe should identify himself with the job. He must love children and meet their needs. That kind of teacherperson should sum up the qualities of not only of a teacher, but also those of a psychologist and pedagogue.

O ne of the twenty century'scenturies' psychologists , J. Boucher, wrote that: "P edagogy can be an effective art only if it backson the psychology."

I think that an innate teacher should have an innate prone(3) to this profession, which cannot be well done if the pleasure of doing it lacksdoes not exist . Another essential condition(/capability)(4) is patience, because not all the children have the ability of immediately understanding.

T he communicative competence is another feature of the ideal teacher with innate qualities(you already mentioned that the ideal teacher has innate qualities) . I f he has a great amount of knowledge, but he doesn't know how to transmit it, the students will be the ones who will lose. [In the last phrase you have the following two sentences: "... the studentswill bethe ones1/ wholose.2/" You need to think logically here: if you use the future tense in your first sentence, then I think it's only natural to use the future in your attributive clause as well.]

He has to feel, not only the lesson,_ but also the best way of transmitting thisit(the lesson). He has to know how to introduce in his lesson the esthetical dimension, that will sensitizes the students, and encourage them to learn. In the other words, he has to be ingenious, clever and inventive(inventive and ingenious are synonyms, you don't need to mention both), because it is him thatwho will determine a lesson's success, and not lesson's structure (traditional or modern)(?) . So(/Therefore), in order to do attractive and interesting lessons(/make lessons appealing and interesting) he has to be multitasking and to havemaintain a good cooperation with his students as well.

When I mention "cooperation", I mean not only ,(why the comma here?) good teaching methods, but also a very good comprehension of class management. H e should intervene with respect and discreetly in different behaviour problemsevents to prove tolerance and to have an appropriate working time. I n my opinion, a good teacher should often use humour and never sarcasm or irony. He should act in such a way that the different class events follow according to a continuous and clearly logic(5) , in a relaxed atmosphere, conductive to a good learning. [In any adult theory this sounds good. But what you ask for is actually impossible, because we are not driven by reason, but by emotion.]

On the other hand, taking into account that each and every child is unique, the teacher must be a good psychologist and he has to know the potential of each student. He has to guide the students' efforts(/help the students at setting their goals), to encourage them and to work aton their affective side in order to stimulate their confidence and their self- esteem(confidence and self-esteem are synonyms).

The teacher is always a missionary. ["And I can promise a sunny future for the communistic republic of wherever you come from" (lol, Canada ... ok) A "missionary" is by definition a person who tries to convert others, a person who tries to make others believe the same things he believes and act according to what he says. Shouldn't a teacher be actually the one who opens our minds? Who encourages us to think for ourselves? Isn't true knowledge actually deliberate thinking and constant questioning?]

H e has to share with the students his vision about reality and his love for science and humanity with the students by challenging in his studentsthemthein creative spiritways . He has to keep alive the fire of knowledge alive until the end. In that way, he is an archetype and a model in everyday reality, an inexhaustible generator of consciousness for the new generations. [Damn ... the teacher is the one generating my consciousness? Haha! I'm screwed then. No, ma'am. A teacher is nothing but a tiny piece of the map. Inaccurate most of the time and useless the rest of it. He will usually teach you what you need to pass the exams, but not what you need to pass the bullies at your school's gate. A teacher will not care for you, he'll care for your grades, he'll care about his legally determined job. That most of the time of course.]

___________________

(1)- A great way of figuring out whether to use "a" or "an" is by looking at the beginning of the following word. If the word should start with a vowel, then you will employ "an". There are however some exceptions to this, as in the case of "uniform". It will be "a uniform" and "an uniform". When things get tricky, it's usually good to read the words out loud.

(2)- Take a look at the if clause [schule.de/englisch/hyper/web/grammar/rules.html]. You'll see that you'll need it quite often, so it's useful to know it well.

(3)- innate(adj.) = existing in one from birth; inborn; native: innate musical talent.
(3)- prone(adj.) = having a natural inclination or tendency to something; disposed; liable: to be prone to anger.
(3)- You cannot describe an adjective.

(4)- condition(noun) = situation with respect to circumstances.

(5)- clear(adj.) = intelligible, obvious, uncomplicated.
(5)- clearly(adv.) = in a clear manner.
(5)- In this case: "clear logic" you want to describe a noun and you'll be therefore using the adjective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Tourism: Advantages outweigh Disadvantages? 'setting restriction areas' [4]

Hei Winnie! :D

Here are some corrections.

I suggest you look over the if clause briefly before your exam. I think you get to use it quite often through essays and speeches and such, so it would be good to know it.

And don't stress that much! Have a nice coffee before the exam or take a long, lazy shower or go for a run. Whatever helps you get rid of negative energy. You can do it, I'm sure of it! :D

In an age of rampant globalization, tourism enterprises have become a hot issue throughout the world ...

* - I was going to point out, that you must use "on the one hand" before using "on the other hand", but I've seen people employ "on the other hand" by itself quite a lot, so I'm wondering: Does the old rule apply? Or is it allowed to use "on the other hand" alone? If anyone could answer this, that would be great!

Writing Feedback / Good and Bad effects of TOURISM [3]

Well, first of all, hei! :3

You can talk about a lot of matters regarding this subject, but I don't recommend you mention all of them in such a short essay. Try to focus on what you consider to be the most important issues.

It is also important to keep a certain flow. Try to read what you've written out loud after finishing.

Also, you've been kinda contradicting yourself. I don't know if you intended it or not, but he way it is right now, your essay is pretty incoherent. Try when writing to imagine a Greek temple. The roof, is your introduction, the main idea of your statement. The pillars (body) are your arguments. And the base is your conclusion where you take your main idea and edit it a bit according to the progress you've made throughout the essay.

Below is the rest of the corrections. Again, I'm sorry if this might be hard to look over.

Moreover, many countries become famous due to certain areas seen by people coming from abroad(/sights and tourist features), as for example, the Egyptian pyramids.

Contrary to this, a few drawbacks are also being highlighted like environmental pollution, destruction of agricultural land, cultural and social degradation. [Yes, but not because of sighs or tourist features or proper advertising. One becomes aware of the problems of a country or a region by either researching them or having personally encountered them.]

[new para]Major problem is faced by theR esidents who have to leave their own land and migrate to other areas for housing face a major problem(which?) . Moreover, theysome of them are likely to suffer financial crises as they have left cultivation crops and are being paid less amount of money for working as tour guides. [Have you read this somewhere or is it just a biased deduction? I personally believe the number of people who leave such economically prospering areas is pretty low. And usually agrarian regions aren't in such close proximity to touristic ones ... so the "losing crops" part seems to be a stretch. Plus, why leave an area, if you plan on working as a guide there in the first place?]

[new para] In addition to this, there is a great problem of sanitation in these highly frequented areas that leads(/has lead) to environmental pollution.

[new para] Many people believe that customs and traditions are vanishing due to tourists.

Furthermore, money obtained by visitors is mainly paid to bigger companies so local people remained deprived. [Wait, what? You said yourself that tourism creates working places. Of course, working outside a structured system might result in less income, but that is because your own business would get less advertising and would be hence less known.]

In conclusion, tourism is beneficial as well as has, but it might also have a bad impact on thean area and theits residents. However, these harmful(/disadvantageous) effects can be controlled and problems can be solved if governments would make policies in favour of native people. [Poor government, haha ... tourism is the best thing ever for natives. Visitors come and pay three or four times the normal price in order to get what they want. Their profits are amazing. What do you expect the government to do further? Should they shut down all private businesses or what? That would be not only unconstitutional, but it would also greatly damage the economy by making good investments prone to becoming deficient and unprofitable. The private domain is lucky to have a greater stability than the public one even if it might pay it's employees less. And, as I've already mentioned, it is you who said tourism offers jobs, so ... myah.]

Writing Feedback / "BUY NOTHING DAY" -- More often that once each year. [5]

The essay prompt gives you a pretty neat suggestion: celebrate your own Demo of Buy Nothing Day. ;D Perhaps then you might be able to say: "Yeah, for me it was easy/difficult, but thinking about others ..."

I don't know if this is really going to help, but I usually start by writing down anything that goes through my mind when I read such a thing. Nothing too long, perhaps one or two paragraphs. It doesn't have to be either formal or correct. You get to polish it after.

You might first of all question the benefits of this Buy Nothing Day on the long run. Is this going to help us realise that we spend too much? If so, the simple revelation that we overspend won't suffice to change the world for the better. How can this actually turn into a concrete solution to our greedy and most of the time unthoughtful wasting of money? How about going outside to buy things and donating them afterwards? Or how about instead of buying anything at all you go and do something useful for your community?

Hm, I guess it is you who will have to come up with the best idea :D Good luck!

Letters / "a place at biomedical sciences course in Norway" - letter to apply in UK [3]

Hei David! :D

Welcome to EF! I hope you'll enjoy it here.
Here are some suggestions for your letter. I hope they'll be useful.
Good luck at getting into the school you want! :3

I applied to 5five UK universities

obtained the International Baccalaureate Diploma with a total score of ? (Please see the attachment for details). -- I suppose the one reading your letter will take the enclosed papers in consideration. I think you can leave that last part out.

this makes me become eligible

My commitment and dedication to hard working is clear, and it(it what?) remains a constant goal. -- The last sentence is vague.

I understand completely how terrible the disease can cause you in a lot of suffering(/that the disease can cause one a lot of pain; that the disease can put you in terrible circumstances) and how important medications play as a role to relief your pain(/how important pain medication is; what important role pain medication plays).

sufferers fromof different kinds of diseases

Therefore, biomedical sciences compiled with a management studies course serves me as a perfect match to(/for) my interests.

I also believe that with the high quality of education offered at(/by) your school will help me to achieve my goals

for a consideration of(/to consider) offering me a place at biomedical sciences course or biomedical sciences course with management studies course(you already mentioned what you're interested in) at your university. My UCAS personal ID is 000-000-000(If this is already written in your resume or another document, I'd say you leave this out. It sounds kinda needy and pushy too.).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants or other public places [9]


I don't think you should quit eating meat entirely. It's a great source of protein and despite others saying: "You can get the B-vitamin-complex from other foods." you get the best quality B-vitamins from there. I don't know why you decided to quit eating meat, but I suggest you only cut back on your meat portions. Never forget: a piece of meat shouldn't be bigger and thicker than your hand. :D And you cannot quit meat entirely! Just think about curry chicken!!!

[About them implementing the disgusting pictures in America: I watched this video, that's where I got this from. Of course, I don't know if this is true: youtube.com/watch?v=CjExhI5_vVQ


Well, if you think back to the Stone and Bronze Ages, yes. But today we don't do that anymore. The fact that we have become the top of the food chain itself shows that we are not maintaining the natural balance. If you quit eating meat with the hope of saving animals, the saving part ain't gonna happen.

Most countries heavily rely on meat as a food source or it is part of their traditions. A clear example would be my country. We eat pork all year round and we have it in everything: pork fat fried in pork fat as entree, pork belly soup with cream and hot pepper -first course, minced pork meat with rice and onion wrapped in sour cabbage with fried pork skin and sausages on the side -main course, and even dessert sometimes requires pork fat.

I hate pork. It's fatty and disgusting. The smell is awful -smells like burnt hair. Why would I still kill pigs? They make excellent watercolour painting brushes :D

So here you go! Whatever side you're on you still kill animals. If you're a vegetarian and wear leather shoes or have a nice leather handbag, you still kill animals. What's the point then?!