Undergraduate /
My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]
this is a why us essay
main problem with this is you have not talked about Empire state college at all. Whether it is strong in the major of your choice, whether it has professors you would like to hear lectures from, special programs that interests you.
"topics or areas you hope to explore at Empire State College
your academic and personal experience, interests and strengths
your longer-term personal and professional goals"
this is the question you have written and sure you have answered it but subtly, this question is asking what kind of course do you want to pursue at OUR university, specific to OUR college. What do we have that others don't?
you did not meet this criteria at all and sorry for being harsh but your answer does not answer the question.
On this forum there are a lot of "why us" college essays. They may be of differnet universities/colleges you are applying to but you will be able to see what kind of answers they give and what kind of things they include in their essays. If you read many of them, you will see some similarities and aspects of their university that they mention. Look over them and make sure your essay mentions some of those things.
Some grammar errors
As a Teacher I
ran into difficult situation on many occasions.
For example, a student cried out loudly in my class: "My mother beats me with a whip every night. I am not going home anymore"! I was lost
forwords. I felt so
sorry for him, but
I was not
powerful enough to be able to help this child.
It was this story, and many others that influenced me and encouraged me to learn how to understand human behavior better.and to improve on the issues i have mentioned context wise, sentences such as these
I will pursue a College Degree in Psychology, and try to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives.
My goal is to become a professional Psychologist.
can be changed into
Empire State College's strong psychology department became of great interest once I decided to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives by becoming a Psychologist.
things like that
p.s. yes your essay needs to be much more than what it is now. it said minimum 250, then I would go for 500 - 700 as a good solid length to talk enough about the school and not bore the adcoms.
good luck