Undergraduate / Camden, a city of poverty, violence.. - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

Hi, Jailene1026. I LOVE your opening sentence. It's powerful and dramatic. It makes the reader want to read more. Very, very excellent. I'm going to fix some punctuation and grammar issues that I noticed:

Growing up in Camden, a city of poverty, violence, and teen pregnancies, made me realize so much.
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I don't want to be another statistic to fit into somethe mold of what society thinks of kids today. (You had already stated that you don't want to be a statistic, so I think you need to vary your word choice in this sentence. This is one way to do it.)

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Having a single mom and growing up in one of the most dangerous city'scities in America with three other siblings waswere rough. I know "were rough" sounds awkward, but I'm pretty sure it's grammatically correct since you are discussing two things (having a single mom and growing up in a single city). You would use "was" if you were just discussing one thing. To avoid this awkwardness, you might try something like this:Life with a single mom in one of America's most dangerous cities was rough.

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Seeing my mom break her back to put food on the table for her children with no support was heart breakingheartbreaking .
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Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life. It has always been a challenge for me. The first statement is a sentence fragment. It needs to go on to explain how having a father like that affected you. Maybe you could combine it with the following sentence, like this:Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life was extraordinarily challenging.

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I hope this has helped you a little!

Research Papers / The legislative actions on the oldest profession - Prostitution [3]

Hi, Nicole Rose. Here are my thoughts on your introduction:

However, even in a century in which society has changed many traditional viewpoints, the legalisation of prostitution still remains a divisive topic of conversation. I try not to start sentences with "However," so I would suggest phrasing it this way:Even though we live in a time in which many traditional viewpoints have been challenged and changed, the legalisation of prostitution remains a divisive topic of conversation.

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Post 1980, this said conversation has become a subject of legislative action. I think "this said conversation" is a bit unclear. What happened in 1980 to change things? You may want to expand on that just a bit. Without knowing the significance of that date, I would likely omit this sentence.

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Several European countries, most notably the Netherlands and Germany (among others) have legalised and/or decriminalised systems of prostitution. Let me shorten this a bit:Several European countries, most notably the Netherlands and Germany have legalised and/or decriminalised prostitution.

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But was this decision beneficial to our nation's welfare? Do the assets of prostitution domineer the immorality of the act itself? It's usually best to avoid starting a sentence with "But." I think I can make this all sound clearer:Do the benefits of legalizing prostitution outweigh the potential harm of permitting what is usually deemed immoral behavior? Was this decision truly beneficial to our nation's welfare?

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In an attempt to solve my inquisitions I have devised a series of questions in which I believe provide me with a stable platform on which I can develop an educated opinion, and through this presentation I hope to grant others with the same knowledge. It's usually best to "show" than "tell" when it comes to writing. Instead of essentially stating, Now I am going to list the questions and information I came up with to think about this issue and hopefully, that will convince you to think about it like I do, just start writing about the questions and information - that will do the convincing for you. If you need another sentence to close the paragraph, try something like this:Like all complex issues, legalization of prostitution has both positive and negative effects, both of which must be weighed when making a fair assessment of its effect on our society.

I hope that has helped you!

Research Papers / Parents HAVE to vaccinate their children. It is a duty as a Parent [2]

Hi, kalinaskyy. I'll work on your word choice and style:

In the early 1900' s, poliomyelitis, a disease that causes paralysis, ran rampid throughout the population of the United States.
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Parents worried thataboutbringing their children could get exposed to the virus at school oroutinother public places., especially to schools around other susceptible children.

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Children were particulary affected by the disease.with Some even had to bebeing permanently put into a device called the iron lung to help them breathedue toafter the virus resulted inlung paralysis of the muscles responsible for breathing . (Polio causes muscle paralysis, not lung paralysis. Lungs aren't muscles, so they can't be paralyzed.)

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Even Franklin D. Roosevelt, the country's president at the time from 1933 to 1945, Franklin D. Roosevelt, was left paralyzed from the waist down due tofrom polio.

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"In the late 1940s and early 1950s, polio crippled an average of more than 35,000 people in the United States each year" (History of Polio). "The 1916 toll nationwide was 27,000 cases and 6,000 deaths" (History of Polio) and "in 1952, the United States saw a record 57,628 cases" (History of Polio). (Reference material and quotes should be integrated into your own sentences rather than presented as stand-alone sentences. For example, you could say something like this:)The impact of the poliovirus was widespread, resulting in 27,000 cases of the disease and 6,000 deaths from the disease in 1916 (History of Polio).(I suspect you need more for your citation - a page number or date perhaps? I am not an expert of this, so check with someone else.)Another possibility:According to the History of Polio (citation?), polio "crippled an average of more than 35,000 people in the Uniter States each year" during the 1940s and early 1950s.

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l'll stop there, but may try to do more later. I hope this has helped a little!

Graduate / Personal Statement of UC Riverside Public History MA. Interactivity in exhibit enviroments. [2]

Hi, foxyh. I really love the first paragraph of your essay! It grabs the reader's attention by dropping him into the middle of a scene that you then go onto describe. Really, really excellent! Let me help you with your grammar/word choice in that paragraph to make it even better:

Once asAs I was waiting at the activity cartmuseum for one of thea school groups to arrive to learn the history of Chicago's bridges, I observed a man making his way through the exhibit that was beside me . I could see he was not a chaperone - he was younger and he was alone. He moved quickly and listlessly, only glancing at aneach artifact for a couple of seconds and,givingpaying no attention to the labels beside them. The entire exhibit washad to be behind glass, necessary for preservation purposes , but the glassitseeminglypreventedmade the history in front of the visitor from fully relating to it and enjoying it.farther removed and harder to relate to . The exhibit's narrative was lost on him. He was not able to fully appreciateas he had no idea how to read himself the story that was prepared. I remember the look on his face, one that I have possessed even givenwith my love of history. It was the look that he would ratherof wanting to be elsewhere and would be afteras soon as he had completedsatisfied his cultural duty.

I hope that helped you. I may try to do more later.

Undergraduate / My most memorable holidays [3]

Hi, NatyAC. I'll also try to help you with your the grammar and word choice in your essay:

My most memorable holidays started on theF ather's day. My mother and brothers giftedgaveto my father as a present a trip to Paris. We all were excited because we had never beforenever had been into Paris before . The ideaplan was to stay in the capital city for seven7 days, then travel all the way down to Urdos, a small village in the south of France where my mother had spent her childhood and my aunt owned a homeso m]y auntie, who has got a house there.

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As famous is the Eiffel Tour as it is the fine drizzle that characterised the city. This sentence is a bit confusing. I think you could even omit this sentence.In spiteDespite some drizzlyof the rain, we could visitenjoyed visiting the Louvre, the Palace of Versailles,and itsthe amazing and colorful gardens at the Palace of Versailles , we went to the top of the Eiffel Tour, and many other places.

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I hope this has helped you a little bit!

Undergraduate / 'Continuation of family legacy' - AUC, American University Of Cairo [2]

Hi, islamtorky. I like the upbeat vibe I get from your essay - it'll put a smile on the admission officers' faces, I bet!

Your essay hits all the right points, but I noticed that most of it is devoted to why you want to be an engineer rather than why you want to pursue your engineering education at AUC. Remember that there are lots of places to get an engineering degree. They want to hear why you want to get your engineering degree there.

I think if I was writing this essay, I'd start off the way you did, discussing why you want to be an engineer. I'd probably leave out most or all of the information about your family, and focus on why you personally like engineering and feel like you'll be good at it (you did a great job of talking about that in the last two sentences of the essay.)

That would then leave enough words to expand on what it is you like about AUC specifically. You mentioned that its reputation is impressive - perhaps you could mention that going to such a prestigious institution could help "open doors" for you later in life - sometimes, special opportunities are only available to people who attend prestigious institutions. Or even better, expand on why the institution has such a great reputation in the first place - is it the quality of the teachers, the scale of the classes, special learning opportunities?

If you are happy with the structure of the essay as is, I can instead try to help you edit the word choice and grammar.

Hope that helped!

Writing Feedback / 'The lazy generation' - compare and contrast essay [4]

Kiaraaa123, thank you for your offer to help me with Spanish. How kind of you! I know more than the average, non-native Spanosh speaker, but am not fluent, so I'll keep your offer in mind.

I'm glad I could help you :)

Undergraduate / Resiliency is something I've had to learn quickly growing up [2]

JenniferB,

The fundamentals of your essay are great. You've selected some very big challenges to highlight your resiliency, and I think anyone who reads this will feel for you.

I have a suggestion to make this a super special essay.

Since the essay is about how you dealt with a difficult obstacle, I suggest that you put even more focus on how you personally dealt with your father's death and the serious financial struggles your family faced as a result.

I think if I was writing this essay, I might start by describing how I used to take it for granted that I would have all the things you describe that you ultimately had to do without, like new clothes, supplies, and a backpack at the beginning of the school year. I'd talk about how I never even gave paying for college a second thought because I knew that my family was going to help with that.

Then, I'd introduce the tragedy of your father's death, and the financial problems your family faced as a result. I'd probably talk about my feelings during this time - embarrassment, sadness, even anger (especially about the use of your college fund). I bet your mom was under a lot of stress - you could talk about how hard it was to grow up with a mom who couldn't focus on "mom" things because she was just trying to survive.

Then, I'd talk about how I got through that time. I'd talk about any and all steps I took to get college paid for - after school jobs, scholarships, etc.. I'd talk about how you learned to ignore those earlier feelings of embarrassment (or any comments others might have made). I'd highlight how I came to feel forgiveness to my mom for using my college fund, and developed empathy for her situation.

Then, I'd wrap up the essay by saying how the whole experience has provided you with the maturity and resiliency you'll need to be a success, both in college and beyond.

I hope that has helped you!

Book Reports / What does "Their Eyes Were Watching God" indicate about the author's vision of America? [2]

Hi, baavaz. I've never read Their Eyes Were Watching God, but I did review a summary of the book after doing a web search, so I will try to help you anyway.

First, let me make sure we're on the same page:
Your report is supposed to address how the book reveals the author's vision of America and American life, correct? And you are going to write about how this story shows that the author views America as a place where people can achieve their goals through hard work and determination. Is that right? It sounds like you believe that Janie's path to finding the "right man" is representative of how the author views America as a place where you can achieve your dreams if you are determined and work hard. OK, are we on the same page?

Now, let me add in a few thoughts of my own:
While I agree that the story could serve as an example of achieving the "American dream," my impression of it after reviewing the summary is that its main theme is that of overcoming hardship. Janie has had a really hard life. Her mother abandoned her, her grandmother married her off as soon as she could, her first husband was unloving, and her second husband was self-absorbed and demeaning. She even has to find the strength to kill her rabid second husband when he tries to kill her first. Yet, somehow, she manages to stay in tact, and actually presents herself with dignity at the end of the story. So, my thinking is that this story highlights the calm, self-assured integrity that Americans pride themselves on having when facing adversity. Americans think of themselves as rugged, strong, tenacious kind of people who survive and even thrive despite obstacles. Imagine how hard it was for the first Americans to set up a whole new country and fight off the established British empire...Imagine doing that today - can you imagine how hard that would be? Modern Americans take it for granted. Or think about how America managed to stay in tact, despite being pulled almost to the complete separation point during the Civil War? I'm sure there are lots of examples of how America has faced adversity and persevered, ending up victorious in the end. In my opinion, this is what the author is saying about America with her book.

What do you think?

Writing Feedback / 'The lazy generation' - compare and contrast essay [4]

Hi kiaraaa. I'm going to work on your word choice to make your writing smoother. I've also typed some questions to help you think about things a bit more:

A "generation" consists ofThethe people who are born and living at aroundabout the same time is what we call a generation . The time has passed, we born in a generation that we do not choose, it just happened. Why the lecture calls us "A Generation of Slackers" for more that people investigate about our different behavior we are going to keep changing and there will be a lot of generations.(These sentences aren't clear. Explain what you are trying to say - I can help you make it sound right.)ThisThe lecture addressed is about whatwhat people think about our generation (now the "Millennials") . How they see us that call us like that.

TheOne big difference aboutbetween current and prior generations then and now is the familiarity with technology. ForgG enerations X and Y was when thewere coming of age during a time of rapid technology advancement, so people from these groups are usually familiar with the latest gadgets and programs.was increasing . TheyPeople from prior generationsdon't have the accessibilityare often not comfortable using the latest technologythat we have today,.This is maybe why some of those generationspossibly explaining why they complain about it. We can see thoseThis difference is evident in the workplace and educationeducational institutes. . Meanwhile, now technology makes life easier these days' people don't have to leave their house to work or pay bills and education teaching has improved.(In what way does this last sentence add to your main point? I think this is extra information that could be omitted).

Another difference between the current and prior generations is our ways of thinksthinking.In my opinion,for me people of thatfrom earlier generations are more conservative than people from my generation., carefully and the only thing they do is work.Of course, each generation thinks different, but they are really traditional, limited and I think with more fears.People from my generationOn the other hand, because of the unlimited access we have, we want to challenge (challenge what?) and explore new things. Is likeWw e have that freedom that they don'tearlier generations did not have have in their times(what exactly do you mean by "freedom"?) . Despite this, people from my generation tend to be careless, impatient, and disrespectful.We don't think too much the things and we are careless like the lecture said we can be sometimes impatient and disrespectful.

There are things that older and newer generations share. BothAll these differences are also what takes us to the things what we have in common nowadays. The technology has benefitedfrom technologyboth generations and help us in ourat work. (You earlier said that the use of technology at work was different for the older and newer generations, so this statement is not entirely logical. Maybe you meant that technology benefits both generations, whether members of the generations directly use technology or not...?)They call us lassies, but they join the club because they want to have an easy life.(This is unclear.)WithdD ifferent ways of thinking of both it makes us havecan cultivate new ideas,and that is theyalways a good thing. We can teach and complement each other.

Afterreading(usually you listen to lectures - was that the case here?) this lecture, the only thing that I can approve isagree with is that yes,wemembers of my generation can beare lazy. (After that first sentence, I would expect that you would now list all the ways you disagree with the lecture. I'm not sure you're doing that). For me, the big difference aboutbetweentheolder and newer generations is the technology. This thing calls technology is what make us may go farther than other generation don't.I have learned a lot about generational differences by studying my parents.But, where I can see this difference is with my parents. Obviously, we think differently about things, but I have discovered that they still appreciate my providing them with new information and skills.(Here I think you should address how you benefit from learning from them, too).their ways of think are not the same than mine and what I like about is that at some point they always learn about new thing thanks to us. And for things like that they make us be what with wanting but as always with supervision . AThis lecture like this makehelped me realize that different generations can learn from each other, and also that Tt imes will keep changing.and We willneed to adapt to all the new thing or a generations that will come.

I hope that has helped you!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

I'm back to work some more on your letter:

After my undergraduate studies, I went straight into the world of work that provided opportunity for reasonable practical experience making use of my theoretical skills from the program. My experience asbegan working for the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) as aForest Services Field Specialist and Field AssistantsSupervisor in Forest Services Division.This position provided me with valuable and practical experienceis serving as a platform for my interest in the field of agricultural economics and environmental economics. As part of my work, I assistedhelped communities todesignstrategies to enhance their resilienceprepare forto climate change and natural disasters, advocatingadvocated for sound environmental management and practices in communities , influencing community positive change towardsraised awareness about bad farming practices, farmer groups formation and development, training of farmers, drawing local level development plans etc.trained farmers, developed farmer organizations, and drew up local development plans.

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Here's your next paragraph:

In addition to the practical knowledge I gained from my work at UNDP, I have developed research skills that will enhance my career.Further engagement in research work during my work has improved my research skills tremendously. Again,I learned much about data collection(and analysis?) as a liaison officer and part of dataacollection team for a researchingstudy on indigenous knowledge and climate change adaptation in Ghana has raised my curiosity in the field of environmental economics . Also I took part in a number of research works both in school and after school, all of which prepared me for world the research.My research work has also includedAs part of a data collection team for research work onan assessment of the availability, accessibility, and patronage of veterinary services in selected districts of Northern Ghana. Also myMy undergraduate thesis:, "Ii mpact of micro-credit of the livelihoods of beneficiaries; the case of Maata Ntudu micro-credit scheme in Datoyili" all exposed me to the nuances of research, particularly in the African setting. (What nuances? This last sentence is somewhat vague.)

Book Reports / The Pearl John Steinbeck (theme / thesis statement: what you want is not what you need) [8]

Hi, Noni123.

Is your thesis about The Pearl by John Steinbeck?

Why don't we start with your telling us what points you want to get across in your essay, especially about the "warning" in chapter 3 (I don't remember this warning, so tell me what you mean by that). Think of what you want to say and write it here, very plainly - then we can hopefully help you expand your thoughts into an essay.

Writing Feedback / Issue with the accidental findings of many important discoveries or creations. [5]

If I was writing this essay from the point of view of someone who disagrees with the statement (as you do), I would compose it this way:

1. Express my point of view: that good scientists are always ready to accept unexpected findings about their study subjects, making "accidental" discoveries about their subjects impossible

2. Provide examples of scientists who found something unexpected about the subjects they were studying. The key is that they discover something they weren't expecting about a topic they were already researching. A pretend example would be a scientist who is testing his hypothesis that "gene XYZ" causes lung cancer and, in doing so, figures out that his hypothesis is wrong and, instead, "gene XYZ" causes diabetes. He discovered something new and unexpected, but it wasn't an accident because he was studying "gene XYZ" to understand what disease it causes and simply uncovered something previously unknown about it.

3. Admit that there are examples of people who make completely accidental discoveries, but point out that these discoveries pertained to subjects that were not being studied - that's why they are accidental. A pretend example would be that a scientist is studying "gene XYZ" to determine if it causes lung cancer and, while he's mixing chemicals to do the necessary tests on "gene XYZ," he discovers that the chemicals combine together to make chocolate. That is an accidental discovery because the scientist was not intending to study the effect of mixing together the chemicals needed to process "gene XYZ" - it just happened by accident.

4. Restate my point of view that "accidental" discoveries are not truly accidental if the scientist is discovering something about a subject he was already studying.

Does that make sense?

Grammar, Usage / Heartbroken and in a state of deep shock [6]

The words, "made on behalf on unnamed family members" mean this: the person speaking isn't necessarily speaking for himself. He is speaking for family members who are are not being named. Either the family members want to remain anonymous, or there are too many family members to list all of their names.

For example, if I wanted to remain anonymous while expressing how sad I was that Bob had died at his funeral, I might ask my friend Alice to speak on my behalf. Or, suppose all of Bob's 100 relatives wanted Alice to express their sympathy for them - she could just say that they are unnamed because she doesn't have time to list all 100 of them.

Honestly, I think the wording in your provided sentence is very confusing. It would make much more sense to say something like this: Alice says, "A friend of Bob's wanted me to express her sadness upon hearing of Bob's death" or "Bob's many relatives requested that I express their sadness upon hearing of his death."

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship: Why I want to Study Abroad in Seoul Essay [3]

OK, I'm back to work on your piece a little more. Am I right that this essay was written in the past, and you are now hoping to revise it? I am a little confused about the dates. In any case, here are my suggested changes:

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The mix of modernization and tradition in Korea is definitely a plus for my study abroad. Seoul is full of the old and the new from landmarks, culture, and technology.

I don't think the second sentence adds much. Try this to make these sentences sound even better:The mix of old traditions and modern enhancements make South Korea an ideal place to study abroad.

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I am a Graphic Design and Asian Studies major at California State University, Chico.

Try this to make this sound smoother:I am majoring in graphic design and Asian studies at California State University, Chico.

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I have chosen Seoul, South Korea as my destination to study abroad in Fall 2014. South Korea is [...]

I want to help make all of this flow better, while still retaining your meaning. I am operating under the assumption that you have been attending this university, and are now asking for the scholarship. Here are my suggestions:I enrolled at South Korea's Yonsei University for the 2014 fall semester, and am working toward a Bachelor's of Asian Studies degree. As expected, I have thoroughly enjoyed being immersed in a new culture while pursuing my education. The experience of learning a new language, visiting historic landmarks in person, and meeting new people has been very rewarding.

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I'll try to do more later. I hope this has helped you!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

Private forestry is an area with a great potential to support the fight to eradicate famine, poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy among other social ills and the enhancement of rural development.

Try this:Private forestry can enhance rural development and help eradicate famine, poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy, and other social ills.

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With this concept firmly rooted in my mind I belief the PhD position in economic impacts of private forest investment in .... with the .... at the .... University is the right place to be. This program presents the opportunity to make a meaningful contribution to solving a crucial problem facing the African continent. It also fulfils my personal ambitions of obtaining PhD degree from a highly reputed international institution of learning.

Let me help you shorten these sentiments:I envision your highly esteemed Ph.D. program as the perfect way for me to acquire the knowledge to address some of Africa's biggest problems.

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My background and training has equipped me the necessary skills and expertise to be able to carry out this research successfully.

You need to add a "with" and change the "has" to "have." Also, I'm going to take out a couple of words to shorten this and add some to elaborate on your research:

My background and training have equipped me with the necessary skills and expertise to be able to perform well in your program and achieve my goal of helping Africa's development.

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During my study daysuniversity years , I recognized my strengthexcelled in courses such as Agricultural Policy & Development, Production Economics, Environmental Economics, Econometrics & Operational Research Methods, Land Survey, Environmental & Sustainable Agriculture, Wild Life & Fisheries, Forestry, Agricultural Meteorology, Agricultural Botany, Rural Sociology and Agricultural Extension, Agriculture Project Planning & Appraisal, Farming Systems Research, Research Methods, Experimental Design, Agricultural By-product Utilization, Plant Pathology, Agricultural Extension Education, Irrigation, Rural Development and Change, Micro and Macro Economics, etc..

I changed "recognized my strength" to "excelled," added a comma before the "etc.", and added a second period next to the "etc.". I think this could be better if you could think of a label that would encompass all of these classes, then list them if you choose to do so. Like this: During my university years, I excelled at courses in Environmental Economics, such as Agricultural Policy & Development, Production Economics, Environmental Economics,... Then you could leave off the "etc." at the end.

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Through work experience, I gained considerable knowledge and experience in the project cycle, data collection, analysis and presentation, monitoring and evaluation, conducting research, organizing tutorials, research and scientific presentations.

There is some repetition here. I am not sure what you mean by "project cycle," so I omitted it. Try this:Through work experience, I gained considerable experience collecting and analyzing data, presenting my findings, and preparing student tutorials.

______________________

I will try to do more later. Hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship: Why I want to Study Abroad in Seoul Essay [3]

Hello. Here are a few suggestions for you:


I would write it like this:"No pain, no gain," I like to say.


You should changed "determine" to "determined"


Try saying it like this: I want to take advantage of every opportunity I can, and studying abroad is one of them.


Try this: I have been exposed to the Korean culture from a young age; this fascination has grown with time.


I fell in love with all aspects of Korean culture: art, architecture, tradition...


My longstanding love of Korean period dramas and fashion has instilled in me a desire to learn more about the country's culture.

I hope that has helped you a little bit!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

Hi, Manisca. I'm going to work on your word choice to help make your writing clearer:

I am writing to express my interest in applying for the PhD position in economic impacts of private forest investment...The part is red is wordy and confusing. What is the name of the program? Is it Environmental Economics? Try saying just that:applying for the Ph.D. program in Environmental Economics.Or perhaps:applying for the Environmental Economics Ph.D. program to study the impact of forestry on developing nations.

I studied Agricultural Technology from 2002 to 2006 at the University for Development Studies where I obtained a bachelor degree majors in Economics and Extension with Second Class (Upper Division).Let me reword this for you:I studied agricultural technology at the University of Development Studies from 2002-2006, earning a bachelor's degree in Economics and Extension with Second Class (Upper Division).

The generation and dissemination of knowledge is a crucial factor in determining the progress of a society.Here's a better way to say this:are crucial factors in determining a society's progress.

Africa is a developing continent with large significant natural resources... try this:abundant

The status of a developing continent implies a significant lack in empirical knowledge in certain specialized fields. This means that the level of knowledge generation and dissemination in critical sectors of the economy is woefully inadequate. Much more needs to be done.I'm going to shorten this for you:By definition, developing nations lack the knowledge to develop specialized industries. They require help improving their economies.

I'll stop there for now. I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / Issue with the accidental findings of many important discoveries or creations. [5]

Hi, dunguyen. I'm not sure what the 6-point scale is, but I'll try to help you with your essay anyway.

I need to clarify exactly what it is you want to say in each paragraph. I'll try to do this for you, but I think it would be best if you did it yourself:

Paragraph 1: You disagree with calling discoveries or creations accidental because good scientists will view all experimental results as important results, whether they were expected or not.

Paragraph 2: You repeat the sentiments expressed in Paragraph 1, this time using Isaac Newton as an example.

Paragraph 3: To me, the first sentence of this paragraph contradicts your thesis - it needs to be reworded to maintain consistency. You go on to use penicillin's and radium's discoveries as examples of how results are not "accidents," just unexpected results that are valuable to the learning process

Paragraph 4: Here, you try to show support for the other side of the argument, using Columbus and Mendel as examples of how discoveries can be "accidental." I think you need to work more on explaining why you think these two examples support the other side of the argument. To me, these examples are no different from the ones you mentioned earlier (Newton, penicillin, radium). Make your argument more solid.

Paragraph 5: A rehash of your theory that all results are meaningful (never "accidents").

If I understand you right, you are arguing that good scientists don't make "accidental discoveries." Good scientists are ready and able to make use of any and all gathered information, whether it was expected or not. It is not fair to say that scientists "usually" find answers to questions they weren't asking because good scientists don't prepare experiments with just one question in mind - they maintain an "open mind" with regard to their questions and the possible outcomes, making "accidental discoveries" impossible. Is that correct?

Once we have a clearer understanding of your thesis, we'll be better able to help.

Writing Feedback / Tourism in Nepal - number of foreigners visiting this country [3]

Hi, aseprudi. Here are my suggested changes to your word choice. My suggested changes are inblueand explanations for why I'm suggesting the changes are inred.

The pie(it's a good idea to use this modifier to separate the pie chart from the table, just in case someone gets confused) chart revealsprovides(I think this is a more appropriate verb to use to describe what the chart is showing)a percentage breakdown of the nationalities of Nepal's visitors in March 2008.(this is a quicker way to say what you are trying to say) the number of foreigners from different regions who visit Nepal in March 2008 and is measured in percentage, and The table depicts(again, a better verb for this situation)measureshow many more visitors came to Nepal from each country in March 2008 thanthe increasing number from March 2007.

(This starts a new idea, so I'm going to use it to start a new paragraph)Overall,it is noticeable that The number of tourists from all countriesin several regions increased by 5,910 over the sampleda year. New European visitors accounted for the largest portion of this increase; Nepal's European tourist count increased by 3,321 between March 2007 to March 2008.(This is a faster, smoother way to express your ideas)In addition, the total number of visitors from all regions from March 2007 to 2008 expanded to 5,910, which was 16 per cent. While the number of tourists from Europe saw as the highest point at 3,321,The number of Asian touristsexperienced as the lowest point atincreased the least during the sampled year, up by merely 188.(this sentence belongs in this paragraph). .

However, the Europeans were the most popular tourists coming to Nepal.This is already stated in the following paragraph)

I think you should consider putting this paragraph before the one about the chart since this focuses on just one year, while the chart compares two years. Also, you should be consistent in the order in which you describe and explain each graphic)Turning toIn March 2008, Asians(38 per cent) and Europeans(37 per cent)accounted for the majority of Nepal's tourists (38% and 37% respectively).experienced as higher number of tourists than the other regions when it came to visiting Nepal.On the other hand,thelowest point ofvisitors was Australiansaccounted for the fewest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (4%) , which was solely less than one in twenty. North Americans, South Americans, and visitors from other countries accounted for the rest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (Afterwards, at 21%)per cent, North and South America and other regions showed as the remaining visitors to Nepal . (These suggestions are to show you clearer ways to express your thoughts)

Most of the changes I'm making are to help you express your thoughts more clearly and succinctly. These exercises are really tough, so take heart. I think you did great analyzing the information.

Writing Feedback / The amount of world's energy use in 2010 by type of its sources [2]

These type of assignments are challenging in my opinion, but your did a good job presenting accurate and detailed information about the chart.

My suggestions for future projects are the following:

1. Review my grammar corrections and read, read, read to improve your English proficiency. The more you read, the better you will write!
2. Plan out your paragraph structure in advance. Assign a basic thought to each paragraph, then start a new paragraph when you introduce a new, main thought. Practice the grouping of your thoughts into paragraphs. Be organized about how you present your material.

Best of luck! It was a pleasure helping you!

Writing Feedback / The optimum location for wind turbine is in high land as the wind strengths are maximum [2]

Stacy, your information is accurate and complete, but I think my suggestions will help make your writing "sound" better. It's challenging to try to clearly describe the workings of a complex piece of machinery! My advice for future projects would be to simplify and shorten your sentences, plan out your paragraph contents (restrict a paragraph to one main idea, start a new paragraph for each new idea), double check your punctuation/capitalization, and proofread for mistakes.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

OK, I'm back. Here are more suggestions:

Despite these obstacles, I hold myself responsible for my poor academic performance.I realize now that I should have sought help from my professors, tutors, or the university's advisors as soon as I began to sense that engineering was not a good match for me. Additionally, I should have never allowed myself to stay in living situations that were so harmful to my studies.Regardless of my roommates, it was still my responsibility for keeping up in school. It was entirely my fault that I let my pride get in the way of seeing that Mechanical Engineering wasn't something I was passionate about and switching majors while I still had the scholarship, as well as letting my roommates' many antics distract me from my goals. I also never utilized the many resources The University of Alabama has to offer, like advisors, tutors, or my own professors as I fell behind in class. I understand my mistakes, andI have learned some important life lessons. This semester, I have worked hard to remedy themthe mistakes I made in the past .

First of all, I changed my major. My decision to pursue engineering was based largely on the field's prestige and reputation for providing future job opportunities. After some soul-searching, I realized thathave begun to work towards my goals to graduate with more vigor. Although I chose Mechanical Engineering going into college, mostly for the prestige and many job opportunities, my real passion has always been in the humanities, particularly history. Ever since changing my major to History,I have since changed my major to History. Because my family cannot afford full out-of-state tuition, I was only able to attend school half-time during this 2015 Spring semester, but in that time I have become much more active in class. Where I used to sit quietly and zone out every time I didn't understand something, I now enjoy listeninglistened attentively to the teachers, and often participateparticipated in class discussions. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester withA'searned As infrom both of the (history?) classes that I took this semester, and am looking forward to what future semesters hold.(sentence moved) .

I have also become pro-active in addressing the problems with my living situation. When my roommates' behavior worsened (destroying apartment property, lease violations), I filed I took a real interest in my classes and began thoroughly enjoying the work I put into them after class. Rather than going back to my ever-chaotic apartment, I began making use of the school libraries and other places to study on campus. Although my living situation has gotten somewhat worse, with one of my roommates' friends smashing windows open and cutting holes through the door to our currently unoccupied room to use that room for their own purposes, I've begun taking control of the situation by filing complaints and a transfer request with the apartment complex management. for lease violations and a transfer request to the apartment complex management, and I no longer let their distractions dictate the trajectory of my own life. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester with A's from both of the classes I took, and I am looking forward to my next semester.I've also found reliably quiet places to study, so I am no longer distracted by others.

I love the University of Alabama, but without a scholarship to offset the out-of-state tuition,My family and I cannot afford out-of-state tuition, so without this scholarship, I may have to seriously consider transferringtransfer to a college in my home state ,of Georgia, to be able to continue affording college . However, I absolutely love it here at UA, and As a History major and an aspiring archivist, I think that I can well represent this university. I understand that I squandered the opportunity given to me, but I have learned from my mistakes, and I hope that you will give me one more chance. If I am granted this scholarship again, I will not take it for granted, and I will continue to study hard to keep it in the future. I sincerely hope that the committee will reconsider theirits decision and reinstate my scholarship for the Spring semester.

Again,I Thank youthe Undergraduate Admissions Scholarship Committee for taking the time to read this letter, as well as providing me the opportunity to explain my situation and the reasons for making the mistakes I made.

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

Hi, hmbooker. I really like the spirit of your letter, but I do think it's rather long. They probably don't have much time to read appeal letters. I'm going to try to shorten it, using phrases that capture your thoughts in more succinct ways. My goal is also to get to the point faster. Here are my suggestions:

I am writing this letter of appeal in hopes that youwould like to request that the scholarship committee reconsider yourits decision to void my scholarship for the 2015 Springspring semester. I acknowledge that my GPA (2.47) is lower than that required for the scholarship (3.0), but I feel that I have valid reasons for this and am confident that steps I have recently taken will lead to improved grades.The decision not to renew my scholarship was based on the fact that I failed to meet the minimum academic GPA of 3.0; my GPA by the end of my probation period was a 2.47. I fully acknowledge that the loss of my scholarship was entirely my fault, and regardless of your response to this letter, I thank the committee for granting me the scholarship in the first place, as well as taking the time to read this letter.

One of the main reasons I was unable to maintain a 3.0 GPA was that I did not enjoy the mechanical engineering classes I was taking at the beginning of my college experience. I (was a big fan of VS. excelled at ) math(and science? physics?)in high school, so I thought that mechanical engineering would be an ideal major.Although I had a suspicion that engineering was wrong for me byBy the end of my first semester,at The University of Alabama, it should have been clear to me that Mechanical Engineering, my old major, was completely wrong for me. Though I enjoyed the concepts I learned in high school, I found I had no passion for the often confusing mathematics that went into engineering. However, my pride got the better of me, andI persevered, unwilling to quit despite the trouble I was having staying engaged with the material.attempted to continue pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering, even though the coursework continued to grow more and more difficult as I grew less and less interested. School, something that I often excelled at and loved in high school, became difficult and dreadful, and I soon began to find myself overwhelmed with classwork. Still, I continued to tell myself this is what I wanted to do, and I honestly thought I could go through with it.By the time I fully admitted that I had made a mistake in my choice of major, it was too late to rehabilitate my GPA.Although I was able to pull my GPA up in the Spring semester of 2014, I still wasn't able to meet the required 3.0 GPA.

Another important factor in my inability to maintain a 3.0 GPA was a less-than-idealDuring this past Fall semester, I knew I had to try harder and get my grades up by the end of the probation period. However, as the coursework increased, I began to give up. Not only that, but my living situation became more difficult to handle . My first set of roommates enjoyed partying, which made studying difficult in the dorm. A subsequent, off-campus roommate (not a student) delivered a baby while living with us, and the stress of having a newborn in the apartment along with the frequent visits from her extended family made focusing on academics almost an impossibility.

During the Fall 2013 and Spring 2014 semesters, I had lived in a dorm with other honors students; this past year, for Fall 2014 and Spring 2015, I have lived in an apartment with at least two others. It started off well when there two UA students living with me, though their frequent partying sometimes left me distracted when I should have been studying. However, due to personal reasons of her own, one of my roommates suddenly moved out and was replaced with a non-student who was expecting a baby. Things only got worse as parties became even more frequent, and when there weren't parties, the new roommates' family began staying the night, day after day, until they were essentially living at the apartment. I began to feel less and less in control, and the stress of having to live with three roommates, a three-year-old, an infant, two older women, a young man or two, and any friends they invited over left me feeling as though I could not fully function in my own apartment. The constant barrage of voices shouting and the wailing of a toddler's tantrum at nearly all hours of the day and night kept me stressed and wholly unwilling to do schoolwork for a subject for which I had lost almost all passion. By around the middle of the semester, I had almost completely given up on school and allowed my grades to drop, bringing my overall GPA to an embarrassing 2.47.

I need to go now, but will try to do more later...Or perhaps someone else can pick up where I left off. Hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / The people will eventually lose interest in going to Cinema. Agree or disagree? [3]

Hi, Raj44. I'm going to assume that "LCD" refers to LCD television. Here are my grammar/word choice corrections:

Cinema has been consideredbeen the favoredasanextremelypowerful source of entertainment fromfor many years. HoweverAlthough some people feel that it'sits popularitytrend has decreasedrecently declinedowing to certain reasons , but stil l I believe that it remains a top choice for people seekingcinemainspite of major evolution in the field of entertainment ,the Cinema would not lost it's existance .

To begin withThethe critics of Cinema,they may question whether cinema can compete withit's value as they might think that large- screen, in-home LCD televisions . LCD's withThey argue that LCD televisions offer better video and sound quality may replace cinemathan the cinema can . Nevertheless,Although LCD televisionsLCD'shave improved theprovide high quality of entertainment available atin the home, but stillthe cinemaCinema is often choosen more by people than seeing movie at home ,because it provides better environment to oneself in order to cut-off completly from daily routine and stressesoffers the unique experience of being able to completely escape the stresses of daily life.I personally prefer going to the cinema over watching movies at home because it gives me the opportunity to enjoy a nice, restaurant meal while out for my entertainment.For instance, I feel more relaxed and happy after seeing a movie in a theatre than at home because I also get an opportunity to taste the restaurant food.

Moreover, most of the people in the developing world are from lower middle class families and cannot afford an expensive LCD television for something as trivial as entertainment . Just for the sake of reducing monotony in life ,they cannot afford an LCD worth thousands of rupees.So , Cinema is the only choice left for them.

To sum up, the cinema has been offeringoffersmany benefits totha massesthat other methods of entertainment (such as LCD televisions) cannot.couldnot be possible by use ofany other means ,such as, a LCD . Certainly, the use of Cinema by way of entertainment would not reduce in future.It is inconceivable that it will lose any appeal in the future.

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Describe in no more than 500 characters the reason for studying abroad - IELTS Scholarship Essay [2]

Hi, peppyonboard. I think you are on the right track. Here are the questions I think you should ask yourself when brainstorming for your essay:

1. What is it about this program that makes it so special? Is it well-known in your area of interest? Does it offer the best classes, the best professors, or unique training experiences that you can't get elsewhere? Use your essay to highlight why you want to go to school there, rather than somewhere else. Talk about how proud you would be to be a representative for that program.

2. How are you going to "give back" after you receive this scholarship money? They want to hear how you plan to use the skills that you acquire at this program to improve society in some way, whether it be through teaching, research, etc.. Focus on how you are going to benefit mankind.

3. Why are you deserving of this money? Talk about how you are a serious student - you study hard, make good grades, have a goal in mind. Talk about your talents, your skills. Make a good case for why you deserve this money instead of someone else.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [5]

Yes, I will! Here's some more editing help:

Finally and without a doubt, Homework and in-class assignmentsactivatesteachesteach students how to engage with their studies, problem solve, and think independently, all while improvingto improve their English. SettingDoing homework allowsgives students an opportunity to reviserevisit content learnttaught during the day, facilitating learningandgives them another opportunity to review the class material . Homework assignments can encourage students toIn addition to, homework will teach how to solve problem and use outside resources like a dictionary or the Internet. The most effectiveAs a final point, some of the effective English homework assignments help students develop independent thinking skills that can be applied to reading comprehension, speaking, and even teaching others.choose things for themselves, decide on their own, such as find the main idea for long articles, or like what we did in our class, which is every student have to make a lesson for a certain phrasal verb and teach it for a group of students.It is helpful to assign a variety of different types of homework assignments (including the watching of English movies or short video clips) to keep the material fresh and interesting to students while studying at home. In addition, the kind of homework is also important. Since many students are listen of speak their own native language outside the class successful teacher suppose to assign a variety of assignments to his/her students, like watching movies or short video clips to keep students engaging with English even at home. Homework is allows students and teachers to work more closely together (I think you need to elaborate a bit here by describing how homework helps students and teachers work more closely together - or remove this last sentence.) .

I now feel,after beingMy experience working as a teacher of the group in my class and writing this essayhas shown me that the most successful educators are ones who are able toBeingsuccessful English teachers requires the ability to make learning an entertaining experience.Charismatic teacherslearning can help strengthen students' communication talentsskills,andbuildsbuildself-possessionself-confidence , Moreover, teaching with charisma toand inspire students to think independentlycreate their own visions about their language . Homework canFurthermore, make homework meaningful for students will carries a lot of advantages because it can help students to understandingunderstand their lessons by reinforcing material taught in the classroom.the topic more thoughtful. Effective teachers should use a variety of teaching styles and assignmentsprovide his/her students withmany and variedways of teaching to meet their need toto help students improve their English both in and out of the classroomclassalong with outside classinreal life .

What do you think? Did this help you?

Writing Feedback / Essay on why the development of nuclear power should be halted" [3]

Hi, Rybarczyk. I'm going to work on your essay's grammar and word choice:

Over the years,a wealth of various kindsmany new ways of producing energy hashave been evolvingdeveloped . People hashavecameup with ideas such ascreatinglearned to harness energy from the use ofmoving water orand wind . however Not every idea is connected withuses safe, natural resources -andso nowadays we canhave also seen thesee a rapid development of nuclear power. This has to be halted, but why?

FirstThe point that needs to be discussed is a matter of safety. Within decades,the world has seenthere have been a few, huge nuclear leaks, all of wichwhichwerecalamitoushad devastatingin their consequences. People who live in the places whereDwellers of cities in which suchthese catastropheshas occurred had to take a great deal ofmultiple medicines as precaution from theirto prevent genegene's modifications . This medication was usually successful,By and large it worked but not always;,thus there were cases of serious afflictionsorand even death.

Another thing connected with healthdrawback to the use of nuclear power is radioactive waste.A large amount of radioactive waste accumulateswhichis left in bucket-loads after the process of creating nuclear power. Such radioactivity doubtlesslyinevitably harms thehas a negative impact on environment. Consequently,the lives of people as well asand animals who liveliving near the factorynuclear factories are in dangerat risk of developing cancer and even dying from radiation exposure .

To sum up,and make my opinion clear , I am of the opinion that more important reason is radioactive waste is a major problem and the main reason we should halt the development of nuclear power . Even when factories uphold the strict safety regulations that have been established to protect surrounding communities, radioactive waste accumulates as nuclear power is produced. Because this waste stays radioactive for many, many years, it poses a threat to people and the environment for many future generations .It is because safety can be kept thanks to strict control of each factory and quick removal of every mistake. On the contrary radioactive waste is produced always while producing energy that way and it is stored in enormous quantities for many years so the quality of people's lives is on the lower level thanks to bad state of environment.

I hope this has helped you!

Speeches / What Matters Most to Me and Why?------The will to survive [4]

Hi, Sebhoom. I'm going to correct the grammar and word choice in some of your sentences. I'm only pasting the sentences I worked on:

The very fact that I'm alive and here to make a speech is a miracle oflifeitself .

Just as everyany depressed person would do, I shut myself inup and refused to reach out to whoeverthose around me.

Being a rather quiet person, I never drew much attention to myself, and nor did my depression went unnoticed . I suggest you say something here like this: I struggled, but somehow managed to "keep it together."

But soon things were goinggot worse.

that I began to allow the desperation to consume memyself and even conductcontemplated my own death in my mind . In this One very clear morning, I woke up in tears and, feeling despair. And The next thing I knew, I was on a bridge wanting to jump off.

But soon the will to surviveit was takentook over by the will to survive . All thoughts about life were gone, except the knowledge that I had to swim to the bank.

AsLike thea pheonix that rises from the ash, I found my rebirthwas reborn from the river. I survived and I changed after going through the pain I've never had before. From the greatestthis pain, I gathereddeveloped strengththe greatest strengths . Since then I've growncome to see that life is the water that's constantly trying to drown me (this makes it sound like you are still very depressed...) . My will to survive gives me the anchor (I don't think "anchor" makes sense here. Anchors could pull you down to the bottom of the river, drowning you) that I can always use to drag myself back to the bank as long as I hold on to it. Throughout the years, I succeed as much as I fail in many things. There are still all kinds of frustrations and disappointments that force to give up on what's impossile yet I really desiregoals and aspirations . (Maybe you could rephrase these sentiments in a more positive way. Consider something like this: While life has the potential to drag you under just like the river that I almost allowed to drown me, I have developed the strength to persevere, despite moments of sadness and discouragement.) What I learned from my past is that nothing is worse than the loss of one's life. To say that one has to conquer all is a gross understatement because one can always turn away and swim to the bank to see a much better world from far beyond. (I think this last sentence is unclear. Maybe say something along these lines: Despite life's obstacles, there is always a reason to hope, a reason to feel joy, a reason to live.) Thank you.

I hope this has helped you. I am so glad you have overcome the worst of your struggles - what an inspiring story!

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [5]

Now let me work on your next paragraph:

Secondly, "What the teacher is ,(I think you can omit this comma, unless this is how the quote appears in text) is more important than what he teaches." These words of Karl A. Menninger perfectly describe the importance of teachers in education. So,Whatwhat makes a great English language teacher? Although, the classesclassmaritalmaterialsarehave already been chosen fromby the school's English school department, it can be helpful to bring in outside material that relates to the subject of the day, like short stories, or YouTube videos, which are related to the class that will be so helpful . Since the teacher will beserves asrepresented as a rulerole model for his/her students, especially in Englishhe/shethe teacher have toshould be charismatic, confident, and comfortable speaking in front of the class. As a result, If the teacher is not confident aboutin what he/she is saying, how can the students can bebecome self-assured English speakers?Every Studentshas have a variety ofdifferent talents and learning obstacles, soand needsto get rightthey need customize teaching from their teacherstreatment . In addition to preparing relevant material, good teachers need to be able to tailor their lessons to meet a variety of student needs.So being an expert teacher needs the capability to handle the different ability levels of students beside to preparing for what you teach.

Has this helped you? I may try to work on more later.

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [5]

Hi, almani. I'm going to help you with the first part of your writing submission:

Each time I want to enroll forin a new English class, I look for an expert teacher who will provide me a useful and relevant language practice , and helpshelp me to expand confidencebecome more confident whenin using English. The teacher is the most important factor that can makein making an English language class successfulthe classsuccess or not . From my personal experiences, and as a student, There were soare many factors canways for a teacher to make an English lesson successful, such as creating a fun and engaging learning environment, being charismatic,teacher charisma , knowledge along with the ability to deal withunderstanding how to work with students at various levels of proficiencydifferent level of students , and developinggivingmany types ofqualityassignment activatesassignments and homework to students .

First, Creating a fun learning environment will improves student learning and creates a pleasant study environment for both teachers and your students. For example, assigned collaborative assignmentsto students can lead numerous benefits. In small groups, students can share strengths and develop their conversation skills. Moreover,Although engaging students can be a challenge, but the a good teacher can faceovercome that challenge by involving theirhis/her students in group discussions. But theThe teacher should also be very careful and aware about that because some kind ofnot to initiate class discussions mightthat could lead to conflict or mistrust. between the students themselves or even teachers; For instance, opening a class discussion with the question,like "Is Apple better than Samsung?," will be better than embarrassing a studentsis a better choice thanby asking them, "Should illegal immigrants be deported?". With well- planned out tasks and close observation,from the teacher that can make the class fun in class very helpful learning experiencesand educational .

There you go, for starters! I hope that has helped you some.

Grammar, Usage / Citing a source for racism and death penalty for black men who raped white women in the South [3]

Hi, gza09. Have you tried doing a google search for "MLA citation"? Purdue University has an excellent page (OWL) devoted to how to properly use the MLA style guide. It addresses many types of scenarios (known author, unknown author, multiple authors, etc.) and explains how to do in-text citations and the "Works Cited" listing. I'll defer to their expertise - check it out.

Faq, Help / Note to the forum contributors [5]

Hi, Rajiv. I am unsure about the point you want to get across with this writing. Let me ask you some questions to clarify your intent:

1. What do you want your message to be with this piece of writing? Is this about how parties can be boring? Or are you using this point-of-view to set the reader up for an interesting twist later on (like how THIS particular party ended up being really interesting, really rewarding, etc.)?

2. Is this the beginning of a longer story or is this the complete story?

I think once we know the answers to these questions, we'll be better able to help you with your writing submission.

Also, your tone is quite negative in this piece. I think it's acceptable to take a negative tone while writing in certain circumstances, or for short amounts of time, but be aware that negativity in writing (or anywhere else, for that matter) will inevitably turn some people off (just as too much positivity can be "nauseating").

If I were you, I'd devote fewer sentences in this piece to negative sentiments. You could start off that way, but quickly "turn the corner" and present a more positive tone. Even if you are arguing that parties are a complete waste of time and have absolutely no value whatsoever, you could suggest alternative ways for children to celebrate happy moments, explaining why your proposed ways are better than the types of parties we have now. Just find a way to be balanced in the end.

For example, I have personally found that children's birthday parties are mommy networking events. For stay-at-home moms who aren't out in the workplace, birthday parties are a really wonderful way to meet people who might be helpful on down the line (like if and when these moms ever decide that they want to enter the workforce). Going to children's birthday parties can also be helpful for moms looking for good childcare options - they talk to other moms about which babysitters are good, etc.. I've personally learned a lot about future school options, extracurricular lessons, babysitters and more, just while standing around talking to people at children's birthday parties!

So, let us know where you want to take this piece, and then we can help you refine it.

Undergraduate / My uncommon path - I'm ready to return to UCF now [2]

I'm glad you're back! I'm going to work a little bit more on this letter for you.

Dear Admissions Counselor:

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. " Find the year that Winston Churchill said this, and put your citation here (I think in italics). Like:Winston Churchill, 1941but I just made that up, of course). I think I'd follow the way they do it at the beginning of some books.

This Winston Churchill quote is my personal motto. Like Churchill, I believe that failing does not mean you will never reach your goal. It simply means that you will need to go about reaching your goal a different way. This is why I am re-applying to your university, despite an initial set-back in earning my college degree.

When I originally enrolled as a freshman at UCF, I was full of aspirations. I viewed the collegiate experience
embodies the thought that failing a test, course or anything else in life doesn't mean you are prohibited from achieving your goals- it just means you need to go about achieving those goals in a different way. As a UCF freshman I viewed the collegiate experience as one of self discovery ; personal and professional . UCF was going to be the bridge between myteen selfthe teenage and the young professional I aspired to beversions of myself. I tried to do everything right. I prepared for college bymade the right moves in attending the Lou Frey Civic Leadership Academy the summer before I started freshman year.I became a LEAD Scholar while enrolled. Iandeven participated in the Adventure Race, excited about fully embracing the college experience .

That's just a start. Hopefully others can add more (or maybe I'll be able to come back and do more later :) ).

Writing Feedback / The high school students should work because it provides priceless experiences in work and life [3]

It is during the teenage years that most students come to fully understand the value of work. By this age, most students have learned that there is a relationship between work and having nice things. For this reason, I believe that high school is the ideal time to introduce students to "real life" work in the form of part-time jobs.

Part-time jobs can build character, helping students appreciate how hard adults work to provide for their families. They give students the opportunity to feel like they are members of their communities, a feeling which will hopefully encourage them to become good citizens as adults. Part-time jobs can also build connections with people who may be able to help students later in life. Students can form friendships and find mentors early in life by working some during their high school years.

stage is an essential, if not very sensitive, [...] adulthood before they become one.

Teenagers are still in the stage of learning. (Here, maybe you can address how high school students are at a point in their lives where learning new skills and new ways of relating to people may be easier than it would be later in life).They realize math is annoying but deep inside, they [...] tremendously if they worked before they graduate.

High school students who do not pursue part-time jobs are at risk of being unprepared and vulnerable when they try to enter the workforce. They may make mistakes that could have been prevented if they had "learned the ropes" during their high school years. Motivated, intelligent students who do not work during high school can still prevail, but they may find that success comes later for them than it does for their peers who did work.

On the other hand, if teenagers do not have the capacity [...] auspicious for high school students to have jobs.

The nascent stage of teenagers must be optimized in order to completely have the advantage ofteen years are the optimal time for students to prepare for a bright future, and I believe that working during this time helps them to do so . To have this advantage, high school students should ...

I hope that has helped you!

Letters / I want to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer because... [2]

Hi, ameenphillips. I think you need to start your essay with an explanation of why you want to join the Peace Corps, then address how you are prepared to handle the inevitable challenges you will face once a member. Here are my suggested changes:

I believe that I have a calling to serve in the Peace Corp. I am committed to educating others about how how to prevent disease and foster good health, and feel that the Peace Corp will be an ideal place for me to do so.

I know that I will face many challenges while serving in the Peace Corps, but my experiences during a memorable camping trip prove to me that I will be able to handle them. When the log my friends and I were using to cross a rapidly moving river successfully broke, I kept calm and helped rescue my friends from drowning. Much of our camping equipment was lost or ruined in the river, but I took charge and remained optimistic, comforting my panicking friends. The next morning, we were awakened by a hungry bear who smelled our beef jerky. Though afraid, I thought fast and threw the jerky as far away from us as possible, hoping the bear would run after it. When that did not work, I persevered, this time quickly retrieving my bear spray and aiming it at the bear. The rest, as they say, is history.

I've heard it said that courage is doing what needs to be done in spite of fear. I now know that I can be courageous, and am confident that I will handle adversity well. I believe that my attitude and integrity make me a great leader, and am motivated enough to carry out the mission of the Peace Corp despite its challenges.

I hope that has helped you! Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "Why do you choose Pharmacy?" - Personal Statement for Monash Uni [3]

Hi, Giantonia. I'll try to help with your personal statement.

Dear Monash University's Admission Team,(Unless you are mailing this separate from your application, I think you could omit this greeting.)

I am currently applying for the thean undergraduate(which course? pharmacy? or is it a pharmacy program?) course you are offering duringin the first semester of the 2016-2017 academic year. Along with my application form and other ...

I would like to start with my greathave beenpassionpassionateforabout science , which accounts principally for my choice of Pharmacy, because grades and certificates might not describe it completely. While typing these words, suddenly the excitement of a twelve-year-old boy learning the very first lessons of Physics and Biology came back to my mindsince a young age . During my early school years, I was the type of student who enjoyed learning about the laws of motion, heat transfer, photosynthesis, and the circulatory system, and found physics experiments captivating and fun. My teachers came to know me as the student who asked all the questions, for I never tired of expanding my knowledge.

It was of great pleasure to examine [...] real applications more than theories.

Taking the advice of well-meaning parents, I began my university years studying economics and business. Although I did well, I soon recognized that "something was missing." My part-time work as a chemistry tutor and my experience taking notes for a friend who was too ill to attend his pharmacy lectures helped convince me that I needed to re-focus on my true love: science. My grandfather is a retired pharmacist, so I began talking to him about the field. I became intrigued at how pharmaceutical science combined biology and chemistry, and was excited to learn about the potential pharmaceutical career opportunities, ranging from research to healthcare. After much contemplation, I decided to leave economic and pursue pharmaceutical science, one of my best decisions to date.

Monash University is my top choice for my pharmaceutical education. Its faculty are renowned within the world of pharmaceutical science, and I would be honored to learn from them. The variety and scope of the offered pharmaceutical courses is also impressive. I have had wonderful experiences studying overseas, and would very much like to do so again, especially in a place as welcoming and culturally-rich as Australia.

In summary, ITo sum up, I believe that I am a self-motivated candidate with a burning enthusiasm for science and athe determination to be a success.relatively mature thinking. I think that with my determination and experience, I could successfully overcome challenges of university life head onbelieve Monash University would be a wonderful match for me, and am confident that I will make it proud .

I hope that has helped you!

Undergraduate / 'joining the band as a percussionist' - it is how I solved my conflict [2]

Hi, notblake. I'm going to rearrange things a little to improve your essay:

Throughout my life as a highschool student, I had always dealt with the problem of determining where Inever felt like I fit in with my peers. I had little to nofew friends, which I spent time with, and the majority of my life was meisolatedisolating myself from other people(moved.)I always limited myself to a small number of career options(moved)(I think you need to expand on how you limited your career options. What do you mean by that?) .

During the fall semester of my junior year, I discovered the place that could solve myfound a solution to my problem:conflict: band. Overall, joiningThat semester, I joined the band as a percussionist, a decision that ultimately helped change the way I viewed myself, introduced me to new friends, and opened up a new avenue for a future career.the band as a percussionist changed the way I viewed the outcome of my future and introduced me to some of the greatest friendships I have yet to experience.

Immediately after joining the band, my social skills improved rapidly(moved).Here, I think you should go into detail about how your self-confidence blossomed as you became an accomplished percussionist, and how that helped you get over your shyness and meet new friends. Then, you can bring up the career path that this new interest paved for you (as a music teacher, a performer, a band leader?)

Your conclusion could be something like this:From time to time, I think back on those long band practice sessions and realize that the effort was more than worth it: it changed everything for me.

I hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / Scholarship essay granting 5th semester scholarhsip [2]

Hi, cda2013. Am I correct that your ultimate goal is psychology and life science? If so, you really need to focus more attention on these areas - right now, much of the essay is about your musical interests. I think you can mention your music, but I would de-emphasize it. Remember, you need to show them why you deserve to have your scholarship renewed, not how you're good at music. Here are some suggestions and questions to help you re-focus your essay:

1. Highlight your good grades. You've done very well, and students like you (who study, work hard, make good grades) are the ones who are deserving of scholarship money. Expand on this. Talk about your commitment to education.

2. Why do you want to go into psychology/the life sciences? What kind of contribution can you make to society or the school if you are granted the money to continue your studies? Are you interested in teaching? Do you want to help people with their psychological problems? Do you want to pursue a career that will help you advance science and improve people's health? These would all be very good to mention.

3. Talk about your character. Here is where you can touch on your music pursuits. For example, you could discuss how you are courageous, willing to try new things, and unwilling to people tell you you "can't do it" (as shown by your jump from playing an instrument to singing). You could also talk about how you're comfortable with being in front of an audience, something that could benefit you if you ultimately envision a teaching career.

I hope that has helped!

Scholarship / Summer Art Intensive Scholarship Essay [2]

Hi, paul. I think you're on the right track with your essay. When applying for a scholarship, you need to explain why you're special, why you deserve the money more than the next applicant. Your altruistic reasons for wanting to be a performing artist are going to help you a lot in that regard, so I think they deserve to be highlighted right from the beginning. Here are my ideas for the "hook" and the beginnings and endings of your paragraphs:

Hook/Beginning of Essay:
Looking out into the audience, I spotted a quiet boy in the very back of the room. It was Jimmy, a patient at the children's hospital where I was volunteering at the time. Jimmy had been physically abused, and was attending my performance between therapy sessions.(I hope I'm not assuming too much when I say "therapy sessions.")After my magic performance, I found Jimmy and offered to teach him a few of the "tricks of the trade." As I explained my techniques, his face lit up and, soon, he was smiling broadly. As I watched his transformation from a shy, insecure boy to an enthusiastic student, I thought, This is what I was meant to do. I want to use performance art to make a difference in people's lives.

Next paragraph:
Just like my experience with Jimmy at the children's hospital, I have found that my most rewarding performances have been those that I have done on a volunteer basis. Art for me isn't for monetary gain ... .

Next paragraph:
I have worked hard to make my dream become a reality. I've kept my educational goals consistent for the past years. I have gathered the tools needed to become a successful student (what tools?) . I've built upon my resume, I've participated in multiple clubs, and have taken challenging courses, and(what else? Maybe persevered to find performance opportunities?) . I have real world experience and I am proud to share the things I've done for communities.

Next paragraph:
Hard work and a desire to make a difference in people's lives are not enough to make my career a reality, however. I unfortunately lack the financial resources to pursue your program's quality training, and that is why I am applying for your scholarship. By supporting my education, these funds ...

What do you think? I hope I have helped you!