Graduate / U of WM "Enrich our community" admission essay "Cultures teach morals" [4]

Well... honestly... this is just my opinion. I think you should cut some of the details of the story and balance it out with some of your goals. The story is good as an example to illustrate something else: your thoughtfulness, your dedication to a cause, etc.

So... the trick is to express your aspiration somewhere in the intro -- career goals in the intro or near the beginning of the essay -- and then continue the story in order to illustrate that way of thinking which leads to your aspiration.

So story is secondary... while the aspiration is primary.

Writing Feedback / Money spent on the Arts by a government and number of participants in arts. [6]

An unlimited number of ways can be used... and it depends on your purpose. The way you present data always should be determined by the purpose you are trying to achieve. You will impress the reader if you write something that really has a unique meaning... something you would write if you were a professional television personality or something like that.

However, I bet the guidelines for the test give you several specific methods. I don't know what they are, but they are probably in the literature and examples that you can get to prepare for the test... sorry! :-)

Graduate / U of WM "Enrich our community" admission essay "Cultures teach morals" [4]

As I entered my temporary off-campus home in St. Petersburg Russia, I heeded something peculiar----Can you replace SOMETHING with a word that is more specific? I think that would make the sentence more interesting.

This is a strong essay! I think it will be well-received. You tell the story in an interesting way, and you are the sort of thoughtful person they want in their learning community. Nice job! To make it stronger, you might segue into talking about your career goals... as if you can't stop thinking and talking about them because you are so driven, so resolute in your aspirations.

Graduate / "to adjust your behavior" - Best way to tackle this Supplemental Essay? [4]


Well... think about your goal. In order to make the reader favor you over other applicants, the trick is to show that you have a well-developed plan with many goals you want to achieve. You should show that you have a meaningful vision for the future.

So, how can this essay be used to show that? You have to be creative.

hint: You might modify your behavior because you realize you are not acting like the kind of person you envision yourself to be...

:-)

Graduate / "The grit and the tenacity I possess" - SOP for Computer Science Network Security [6]

As a result, it has become the easy target for Hackers hackers ----Do not capitalize that word. It is not a proper noun.

It was during my high school years that I have realized that we were not... HAVE does not go with the past tense. If you say, "I have learned..." that is a different verb tense.

When I was introduced to the computer world in my undergraduate courses I was very much interested in programming. As programmers are the gods of the Internet world, I dreamed about ---very interesting style!!!

Use a hyphen:
The well-framed course structure and the ...

:-)


Excellent idea... these are the components of your plan. They set you apart. As for where you mention them... you have to artfully incorporate them. If you use part of the essay to share your plan with the reader, it will inspire the reader. We all appreciate it when someone gives us some inspiration...


I don't know if it is necessary to mention dreams or career goals. This sentence refers to a career goal. It goes without saying, and that is powerful... so maybe you can keep it as it is?

Writing Feedback / "desire of good employment" - Why people attend college or university? [6]


I passed that message along to the developers. Thanks for the idea! :-)

Use HAVE with THEY.
But in this case, use HAS, because the noun is singular:
Have Has it been for the development of the education system?

Let us examine several reasons below. (After this sentence I think you should give a THESIS STATEMENT that expresses the main idea of the whole essay ... the most important idea.)

They gradually feel comfortable; therefore the develop relationships with...
You used great "variation" of sentence length and structure. I like your writing style: keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / Money spent on the Arts by a government and number of participants in arts. [6]


What have we got going on here... It should not have these extra spaces. Just do this:
(25,000 people)

tenths
shrunk to less than two tenths in 2005.---You need the s because you have more than one tenth. :-)

A good way to present your ideas is to look at the whole chart and make an observation. What is the most important observation?
Next, write a sentence about each item on the chart. Finally, write one last sentence, and make it a sentence about some piece of advice you could give based on the chart.

That is only one strategy. You don't have to do it that way, but it works. I hope that helps!

Book Reports / An analytical study to Samuel Beckett's play Waiting for Godot. [12]

Here are a few ways to improve it. Let me know if you have any questions about these changes:

Even though it is possible to divide the characters into passive and active ones, I prefer to...

In spite of being absent all the time, Godot remains the major character in the play. ---Interesting! That is another quality people associate with God -- that God seems to be absent, or to turn a blind eye on the atrocities in the world.

He is looking forwards forward to making sense of this.

This is obvious when they try to hang themselves but afraid one may die and leaves leave the other alone.

It is him he who begins the play by saying, "Nothing...

2-Waiting for Godot. Beckett, Samuel. Newyork: Grove Weidenfeld, 1954.p 3----What kind of citation style are you using? Usually the name of the author comes first.

Great job!! you have great ideas an understanding of the concepts. The writing has very few errors, too!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - should boys and girls learn in separate classrooms? [8]


I guess the safest approach is to do a 5 paragraph essay. Give each paragraph about 100 words.
The first para will give your argument. The next three paragraphs will each begin with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE that tells a reason why your argument is correct. The fifth paragraph summarizes your argument and concludes with some interesting, final thought.

Essays / Lazy societies always find to themselves excuses to do nothing!; What's CULTURE? [25]


Great example. That certainly is connected to culture. But then again, it comes from an insight. Insight also changes culture. So, I see insight as the clue to follow. When I have a new insight, I sometimes I am prevented from following it because my culture has certain expectations for me. So, like you say, culture has two sides. :-)


This sentence is very wise. I guess it is the same for any large group of people. We have a diversity of interests. American President Obama recently talked about how he represents a big country with diverse interests, and he has to try to represent them all.

... opportunities of Moroccans to live in a prosperous conditions society.
:-)

Scholarship / How do you plan to fund any remaining tuition fees and your living expenses. [6]

Instead of writing "decision of" do this:
The decision to study abroad is not exactly feasible considering my family's financial situation, and it would be a burden on my parents to send their first child abroad.

However, furthering my education abroad has always been my dream, and being an exceptional interpreter is my professional goal. It is a commitment to myself, and I am sure that I will definitely regret it if I do not follow my heart. --I added a comma.

This is exactly why I want to achieve my goals on my own, to prove that girls are just as capable as boys, if not more. Also, I hope to set an example for my sisters and show them that despite the odds are against me, I can still find a way to succeed. -----Brilliant!! I think you will make a great impression with this essay.

:-)

***Please keep all versions of the essay in its original thread. :-)

Writing Feedback / "parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies" - Toefl [4]

This is a great thread! I'll give my ideas, too...

Plural: programs
Watching television programs and...

Use "for"
Watching too many TV programs and movies can be bad for our health, especially to for our eyes.

She never allows her daughter to watch TV programs and movies, which she calls them "garbage." ---When you use WHICH, you don't need THEM.

This sentence is okay, but it is awkward:
I suggest parents limit the hours of watching TV and movies of their children.
You can do this:
I suggest parents limit the hours their children spend watching TV and movies. of their children.

:-)

Letters / "an epitome of a responsible" - Letter of recommendation by employer - graduate [4]

In the opening salutation of a litter, capitalize every word and use a colon:
To Whom It May Concern:
It looks strange, but that is the correct way.

It is with great privilege that I write to a privilege to write you in recommendation of Mr. Rajesh for his graduate studies at your university. -----I streamlined it. :-)

As a Vice President of [Company name] company, Mr. Rajesh is has been working with our company for almost two years.

OH, I see that Dumi made a different correction. Her correction is good, too. You can choose her recommendation or mine. Both are good.

If you want to make this even more persuasive, include some more specific examples of accomplishments that show his skill and character. Specific examples are always more convincing than claims.

Undergraduate / The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland. [7]

***Please give your threads a descriptive title or your membership will soon be suspended! :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Only movies that can teach us something about real life is worth watching agree [3]

Fervent lovers of movies may disagree with the assertion that only movies which can teach us about real life are worthwhile.

And the screenwriters, having written the scenario involving fevered imagination, have to worry about their fame theoretically. You did a great job with the verb tenses here.

Your English is very good. I think you can easily pass the toefl. You also are able to give some useful feedback to other writers. Please go give some useful ideas to other people about their essays. Your membership will be suspended if you keep posting meaningless, unhelpful feedback for some other people! :-)

Dissertations / Ph.d on the following corporate governance, corporate social responsibilty , business [8]

This is when you jump into the conversation. A conversation is taking place among scholars. They write articles and dissertations about the issues of the greatest importance in a field.

So... what is an issue of importance pertaining to corp. social responsibility? How about a specific way to improve public relations through responsible practices? That is just an example.

What you need to do is read 5 or 10 recent articles about a particular concept. See what people are saying. That is the only way to jump into the conversation.

Dissertations usually have a literature review, because the writer needs to show that the MESSAGE of the dissertation is relevant to the conversation that is taking place now in the field.

Writing Feedback / A beautiful girl at night time [9]

That makes sense! Thanks for participating here; keep practicing with us!

Undergraduate / "Nursing is a rewarding and demanding career" - Nursing Admission [3]

I think you should do it this way:
Anyone asking me When asked, "Why now?" I would answer that now is the perfect time for me to pursue a new career, because...

Okay, I think you should add a magic sentence to the first paragraph. Add a sentence that plants a THEME in the reader's mind. What is the cool concept/idea that you want to share? Every essay needs a theme.

:-)

Nursing is a rewarding career and also a demanding one. I am earnestly ready to meet the demands and take the challenge of becoming a nurse. If you are so earnest, you'll give an example instead of just making the claim. Know what I mean? What is your favorite nursing philosophy? Google around about nursing theories. Also, do you think the increasing emphasis on empirical knowledge is detracting from the more abstract aspects of the profession? That is the question these days... Google around about nursing theory and philosophy. Also, google especially about techniques and specializations that interest you. SHOW the reader your seriousness by writing this essay in terms of current events in the field. You have to look at some nursing journal articles.

Undergraduate / Admissions for Miami International University of Art & Design [3]

I always recommend killing this phrase: "I believe"

Kill it dead. It always takes power from the sentence. If you are saying a sentence, it is what you believe. By including those two words its almost like saying, "This is what I think, but it is not necessarily true. It's just what I believe."

I should be admitted because this is the field for me, I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goals. ---This is a run on sentence. Also, anyone can say this... you have to show it with an example.

Here is the place to begin your essay:
I'm the type of person that will walk into a store and know exactly what to buy, and what pieces of clothing work and don't work; I believe that the strongest skill which comes naturally.-----------This is the first sentence!! Take your inspiration from it, and let the writing happen from here!

:-)

To me, Miami International University of Art & Design is the best school for me. It's a well know school with a good reputation and I know it will help me gain the skills I need to succeed in the fashion industry.

Undergraduate / "student and faculty learn from each other" - My Villanova Supplement Essay [2]


No, that cannot be the lesson! It is too cliche. If you make that the focus of the essay, you limit its coolness. It can't be very cool if it just makes that same old assertion, "Never give up!" People stop paying attention when you tell them what they already know.


You have such a beautiful writing style! I am impressed. Still, I demand that you revise! The theme needs to be unique. It can't be just a simple perseverance theme. :-)

Yep, as I continue to read I see that you use a lot of words. Powerful writing uses few words. Use fewer words. Revise, and distill this stuff. Keep only the best content, the unique sentences.

Strunk and White say, "Do not affect a breezy manner."

Undergraduate / Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey started in Peru" [18]


Nope. This is still too vague. It is like a slogan. The dream should be specific: I want to learn as much as possible about Internet marketing while I major in abnormal psychology, because my American dream is to cure everyone of their neurosis by using the far-reaching poser of the World Wide Web. ---Do you see what I mean? It is a specific plan.

If you want to leave a positive mark, you need to have a plan. In order to make a plan, you need to be inspired. What inspires you? What would you work very hard to achieve?

:-)


I'm sorry I missed this question last time. I want to use this opportunity to hit you with your Psychology of Writing enlightenment:
The divorce is not part of your purpose. The purpose of the essay is to hit the reader hard in the face with one idea, one big idea.

You have to hit the reader hard with a single concept that she will remember after reading. That is the THEME.

I don't know how to tell you whether this is good enough for an Ivy League School... No matter what school it is, the reader will be a human. Don't buy into the hype; humans are all primates, all similarly confused.

The story is about an experience that was probably profound for you, but the story is... lacking substance. I think you need to make that plan and focus on it. What are you going to do? Lots of people are from Peru, and lots of people carry water, but you are going to do something that makes you different. What's the plan?

(I hope you don't mind my stubborn criticism!)

Scholarship / Scholarship in management, management science. [3]

Hi Virginia, let me show you how ti excavate the brilliant writing that is here:

Since I was young, life was always a challenge. I have had to learn from very early on to manage everything in my life; from finding a balance between my personal school demands to taking care of my family's needs. This is all vague, and it is a little cliched. But look at this!----> My passion for management was born out necessity. However, in our age of...---This is a great intro! I think you should start with this.

... a highly competitive global economy, pursuing a course with clear future goals is a smarter smart choice.---Smarter than what? I changed it to "smart."

I am looking for a course that will enable me to better plan my career by giving me the necessary skills and knowledge that employers require. --It's okay to use "better" the way you did here. I see why Ajit had the idea to move it, but actually, it is okay this way, too.

I started out unsure of where to go for a degree in Management. I explored other Universities and their programs, but when I discovered the University of Auckland University doctoral program, I knew it would be a perfect fit. ---This stuff should not be included. It's fluff. It does not mean anything.

This is very good:
Reading about the program on the University of Auckland website helped me find that there are several professors, such as Helen Timperley, Viviane Robinson, Wendy Kofoed, who are doing research in fields I have an interest in. Some of my research interests include the organizational structure, compensation and benefit plans, and turnover rates of ... This specificity is great, but you need to back it up. What have you done to pursue those interests? Are you just listing topics, or are you really interested? Give some evidence. What have you blogged, what have you done, what are you reading, etc... something substantial to back up the claim.

I wish your kind consideration for having me to as a meaningful stude This part should be revised. It does not really make sense... just simplify it! :-)

Great enthusiasm... they will like you! Serious students are inspirational.

Undergraduate / "Yet another cooking story." - Yale Essay [15]

Okay, you'll probably get a message soon, then. Did you submit a little bio, etc? A few days might go by before you get a response. Being on that contributor page will help build your web presence! You can make money as a writer/editor/translator if you know what to do.

Undergraduate / personal/professional goals--"Chemical Engineering"-PURDUE ESSAY [2]


Yes, great stuff. The continuity... well, it could be better or worse. It is a strong essay...

In this situation, I want to see more brevity:
As I look Looking back into the past through my the kaleidoscope of my past, I see someone who...---hit hard, few words.

Ah, like this: This "kid" is me.----That is good brevity.

I now see something changing in my field of vision as the kaleidoscope turns, the chemistry is changing and I see the event that led to my deep interest of the ...

Now, as I am older, I realize that a University such as Purdue can harbor my interests because of its top of the line education in chemical engineering and its philosophy of excellence as well. This is fluff. Say exactly what you intend to accomplish.

Kill "THAT" any time you have the chance:
When I look back through my kaleidoscope, I realize that I have had ...

Purdue will also allow enable me to...----Just an idea.. not important.

Looking good... obviously you are one of the motivated, serious people. The essay needs more specificity, more short term goals. More substances, and less assertion. It is strong, but it can be stronger if you show that you are already reading about recent advancements, running to catch up... show that you are fired up, and fascinate the reader with your discussion of modern chemistry advancements.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers (they bring us up, teach us, love us) [3]

The first sentence of the essay is a statement-of-the-obvious. I think you should give an unexpected, interesting statement to catch the reader's attention. Can you add a "hook" sentence to make the reader feel interested?

Also, I think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It seems incomplete. I think you should add a thesis statement that expresses the main argument of the whole essay. If I asked you to tell me your reason for your opinion, could you explain it in a single sentence? That is the kind of sentence you should put at the end of the first paragraph.

Do you know what I mean? The last sentence of the first paragraph should be a sentence that expresses the main argument you are making, your strong argument.


This is excellent, but I have a different experience. When I see parents try to teach their kids, the kids do not want to listen! :-) I heard that in China sometimes martial artists would traditionally send their children to learn martial arts from a friend of the family instead of learning from parents. Sometimes a new person provides a formal atmosphere of respect.

I like your essay. And I like these thoughtful ideas from Ana, who always gives great feedback. Do you have any questions?

:-) Thanks for posting this great essay!

Faq, Help / A piece of advice to new EF members - get involved! [8]

Hi Rose... Bigskygirl.. does that mean you are from Montana? That is big sky country, I think.
Will you please link me to the thread you are talking about? I am not sure what you mean. I hope I did not accidentally delete your essay!! I'm sorry you are having a frustrating time. Usually, if you see SEE BELOW it means the most recent version of the essay is further down in the thread.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: grades based solely on exams or based more on class participartoin [4]

Let's talk about "exam results" instead of just "exam. for example:
Course grading techniques based solely on exam results are used in many classes because they represent a fast and easy way to judge students' performance.

... class participation are more trustworthy for estimating students' performance, because this technique is fairer and enhances students' attention on class.

First of all, a grading system which is ...

Teachers...---> depend...
One teacher...----> depends...
If teachers only depend on exams to judge how...

You Students must learn and attend classes if they do not want to fail.

Therefore, the knowledge they get will remain in their heads longer, which is more ...

:-) Great job!! Your mistakes are not big mistakes. The writing is very clear.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Children should learn to handle money - benefits for the whole society. [12]


I know there's long way for me to go....

;-)

Grammar, Usage / Quoting a quotation cited on a page of website [2]

I think you left out a 0 on 2000... right?

This is a good question!! MLA has been around a lot longer than the Internet, so your teachers have to be patient with you, and you have to be patient with yourself, sometimes when using it to cite online sources. Sometimes it is not clear, and your teachers will not be sure either! So... when you have to guess, just guess. The important thing is to give credit where it is due.

I think the section title is the correct item to include. But is "25th July 2000" part of the title of the thing?
Maybe it should have a period, like this:

"Cotemporary Criticism." The Life and Works of Herman Melville. 25th July, 2000. Web viewed...

Anyway, I think the way you did it looks great. Somebody please correct me if I'm mistaken.
:-)

Writing Feedback / essay on 'Instead of developing its identity, Singapore is ..." - feedback [3]

This seems to be your thesis statement: Nonetheless, I think that the Singaporean Identity can still be felt here.
I think it is too simple. Can you add a few words to this sentence so that it will express the concept or concepts that make you feel this way? That is, instead of just stating your position, try to use this sentence at the end of the first paragraph to SUM UP YOUR WHOLE ARGUMENT.

With globalization, Singapore is also losing our Singaporean identity instead of developing it. ----This seems to contradict your thesis statement. Here is my advice for you:

Your English is very good, but I think you should revise the last sentence of the first paragraph as well as the first and last sentence of each body paragraph. Make it so that there is one INTERESTING CONCEPT at the heart of the essay, and make it so that that single, interesting concept is explained by first sentence of every paragraph. try to start each paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE that supports your thesis statement.

:-)

Writing Feedback / One paragraph only, about a live N.B.A. game. [2]

Stunning your senses... very good... you should buy that domain name! :-) StunningYourSenses.com very cool...

I think you did a great job with this. You used great variation of sentence length and structure. I have no criticism for you!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - should boys and girls learn in separate classrooms? [8]

You did a great job with this essay.

I think this sentence should be revised, though:
I believe education is the most important social issue, because it affects all other issues. -----You can revise this sentence so that it expresses an idea that supports the MAIN IDEA of the essay. Do you know what I mean? The PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE should express an idea that shows how true your thesis statement is.

Moreover, teaching techniques should not be classified by gender, but rather by other traits, because whether you are a boy or a girl does not really imply that you belong to a certain learning type.---I made a small change here.

:-)

Graduate / MPH Statement - "the understanding of public health research" [7]

Here is a great example of the writing concept called "Show, don't tell."
Do not make claims. Instead, show an image. Look at the way I'll improve the intro:

My interest in public health started at a very young age. I joined the Hong Kong Red Cross at age of twelve. I was involved in many kinds of volunteer and health services and some are related to health service and promotion in the local community. After three years in the...(I changed 3 to three, because it looks nicer.)

Okay, I killed that first sentence, because it made a claim. Claims are weak. Talk is cheap. The second sentence is GREAT because it shows the reader instead of making a claim. The first sentence is unnecessary, because if you begin the essay with the second sentence the reader will come to her own conclusion that your "interest in public health started at a very young age."

See what I mean? Readers love to figure things out on their own.

Also, cut out as many words as possible. Always streamline:
My past working experience has been concentrated in drug research.

Always cut the words "I believe" because they always weaken the essay:
I believe t The Master of Public Health Program in XXX University will enable...

:-)

Graduate / SoP for master in chemical science? [9]

I am seriously interested in Chemistry and have been since I was a schoolboy. My interest in chemistry originated...

... from my chemistry teacher who was now retired and he teach us chemistry with specific manner, and we always prefer his chemistry class. This part does not help. You do not need to tell the reader he is retired or that you preferred his class. The reader does not need to know that stuff. Concentrate on one thing: your theme.

What is YOUR theme? What is the interesting idea that inspires you?

I'll change emphasize to encourage. Impressed by my passion in chemistry, he emphasizes encouraged me to study chemistry at University. With his encouragement, I studied chemistry professional at University.--I also put it in the past tense.

I have chosen xxxxx University because it provides excellent opportunities to pursue research in various areas of chemistry.--This is not specific enough. The reader is like a little child. You have to tell the child a story. You have to give the reader one interesting idea in the introduction paragraph, and delight the reader by keeping that idea in every paragraph. What is the most fascinating idea in chemistry? :-)

I wish to pursue my graduate studies at your esteemed institution, as I believe that a Masters degree will help me to realize my ultimate goal, which is to develop myself as a well trained chemical science and establish a career in the chemical industry. ---You wrote this in a very impressive, professional way. Yet, I still wish you would be more specific and discuss YOUR unique research interests, and what you intend to DO in this field. What is important to you? Give the reader your best idea... share it with her.

Writing Feedback / Should the criminals in jail be educated?---IELTS [4]

Personally, I feel inclined towards the latter practice. do not use "latter" this way. It is a confusing way of communicating. Specify what you feel inclined towards.

If the criminals are not working, governments will have no choice but to spend part of the taxpayers' money on the operation of prisons, which would directly minimize the expenditure on public facilities and education.

I agree with your argument!
:-)

Writing Feedback / To be a responsible adult,children should manage their own money at the young age [2]

Great writing here, and thanks, Ana, for the work you are doing to help all these essayists.

I'll add some ideas...

This is a good place for a semicolon:
Take my good friend for example; his family owed a bunch of money to some companies because they failed in business.

However, his father never stopped reminding his son about the ...

Be careful about the spelling of losing and loosing.----losing money as well.

Therefore, it is critical that parents should release some controls of money to their young children for letting them dominate their budgets just like the government gives most controls of the currency to the market. ---oh, very wise!! You are a smart one...

:-)

Undergraduate / How do you expect The Art Institute of California -SF to help you attain your goal? [2]

I believe that getting into The Art Institute of California- San Francisco will help me in achieving my dream to become an Interior Designer.

Since I was young, being the person in charge of decorating my high school classrooms had always been my interest.

Having friends and family to ask about my opinion in all types of designs is an everyday experience.

I made some changes to those sentences.. but I also suggest getting some more raw material to use. You should develop your plan some more. Make a plan based on some case studies. Look at the accomplishments of some of the artists whom you admire. Show that you are reading research studies and books about design.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Pets are deserved to be behaved like the true family members? [5]

He not only arrests the burglar but also detects the evidence.--I think this sentence is pretty good.

But for the dog, lots of investigations would have encountered many troubles.--------This sentence does not really make sense. You should write:
If the dog's skills had not been utilized, lots of investigations would have been less successful.

Here is the correct way to use eliminate:
It would be too brutal and selfish if we just tried to look down on them and eliminate them. out of our life.
The sentence does not actually make sense, because no one is talking about eliminating animals... but I wanted to mention to you that you should not write "eliminate out of our life"...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Being happy with a job is more important than having a high salary? [7]


Good point!


No, simplicity is powerful! Simplicity is effective. It's okay...

No need for "a" here:
For example, after getting a good employment, you think of saving money to buy a house and build a small family. ------Yes, I suppose that is what we humans do! Strange creatures, aren't we...

Undergraduate / "Sedentary Lifestyles" A&M (issue of importance) [4]

Great ideas, here. Lately I have been doing an exercise I made up called Crazy Hops (maybe I'll make a video).

It's okay to drop the OF:
Both of my parents ride bicycle for an hour each morning, and my sister and I play some type of sport whether it is basketball, tennis, or soccer, and we sometimes go to the gym.---I made a few other changes, too.

Strunk & White say, "Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma!

:-)

This is some great writing!! I think the essay is a little too obvious, though. Dig deeper... What is the most useful advice you might give someone.. advice that might change their life? Share something specific.