Graduate / Study & Career Objectives for SOP MS in Zoology Program [4]

Several changes in my academic plans later, I had finally decided on becoming become a biology major in Queens College. taking a course in ecology in the Fall of 2008, which required I found myself writing a research paper on "any ecological issue of our choice," and I turned my attention to the Great Barrier Reef.

That is an idea I had to help you surge through those long, clunky sentences.

This is another sentence that is suffocatingly long:
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be part of a profession that has a positive impact on the lives of others, whether it was (let's not use whether it was; it is sort of clunky, ad we are trying to reduce clunkiness). Seeking a meaningful profession, I have considered veterinary medicine , becoming and expert on sustainable engineering or aiding human and also nutrition, with intentions to try to alleviate suffering in the developing world.

I hope that idea might be helpful for you. I don't know if the part about the veterinarian aspiration really fits in this sentence.. because I think the power of the sentence is in the idea about helping people in the developing world.

:-)

Undergraduate / Bard Supplement Essay - Role of non-commercial art in our Society [6]


This essay is so good. It is hard to find ways to criticize it...

I searched for ways to improve it, and the area in which it needs a little work is the clarity of composition. For example, this sentence above is a topic sentence that could express to the reader that the places and times the sculptures were exhibited gave them them significance that might be unnoticed by modern people. As this sentence is now, it makes a nice transition, but from the reader's perspective it can be hard to follow. The reader's attention is taken by the task of following your logic. If the topic sentence of each paragraph expresses plainly the main idea of the paragraph, it can be so powerful.

However, your writing is already great!!

Undergraduate / Tufts - It's Not Easy Being Green! (Or Is It?) - Optional Essay [9]

Ha ha, I had to come check out this essay out because of the good review Jeannie gave.

This will be a big success whenever you use it, as long as the reader has some sense of appreciation for clever writing.

:-)

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]


Oh, ha ha... yeah, contributing is not really so much about being a skilled writer or knowledgeable grammarian... It's being part of a writer's group. When we write, we can't know how what we are writing seems to other people... so we need other people to really spend a few quality moments with what we write and give us feedback.

And nobody has to really apply to be a contributor. I think it's just that after you help with a certain number of essays you can send a message to be established as a contributor, and it is something impressive to put in your list of activities or on a resume.

The contributors here always seem to be cool people. I recruit them because they help me make sure everyone who posts an essay gets some help! hahaha

Student Talk / How much can students earn during summers? [10]

If you go to a big city where a lot of jobs are available, you might find more opportunities to earn a decent amount of money over the summer.

You can also do creative things involving the use of Craigslist.com and elance.com

Good luck!! it's hard...

:-)

Undergraduate / Admission Essay- Badminton's Influence On Me [2]


If you don't know where you are going, how will you get there? I think it's important to know your purpose before you begin. In many discussions here at EF, I tell people I think it is best to have a purpose related to making the reader feel that you deserve the opportunity to attend this school. So... as you write, consider focusing on describing how badminton shaped the part of your personality that compels you to choose _______ as your career path.

Right here is where you scratch the surface of what you should explore: ...valuable insight on life ---- the reader wants to know what insight you are talking about. Let this be a major theme for the essay, and make the essay somewhat complex. Right now, ask yourself what the most important message of the whole essay should be, and add thoughtful reflection about it in that last paragraph. You can express any message you want as you continue to work.

:-)

Undergraduate / US Naval Academy - Initial Interest and Personal Experience leading to Char. Dev [2]


This is explained very well! You are a good writer.

I wonder if a fictitious character is the best reason for a career choice. You write so well, maybe it is the writing and not the navy that appealed to you!

Especially important was the gaining of leadership experience, a skill which should no t be undervalued. ---- if you write "cannot be undervalued," it seems wrong, because of people say things like "cannot be overemphasized."

...must devote yourself to your followers----much has been written about this in research literature. You could cite a research article about "servant leadership" if you want to add a little to that conclusion paragraph.

This is great, well written...

Undergraduate / "a strong Greek system" - Transfer common app essay - emory [3]

This sentence is excellent at its root, but it is too wordy and needs to be trimmed:
After spending a semester as a college student, I have grown and have a much better understanding of what I want out of my college experience and what the direction I would like my life to go.

How about that?

Now, after reading the rest of the essay I think one more sentence should be added to the end of that first para, because the first para should introduce the main ideas of the essay. Right now all it does is raise a question. How about adding a sentence that names the important factors you will discuss: the Greek system, the major you choose, etc.

Don't capitalize what here:
Overall, what I am really looking for out ...

:-)

Undergraduate / My interest in social work originates from my inner desire to benefit the lives of others [3]

...effected by their environments. (right after this sentence, I think you should add a thesis statement that gives the main theme of the essay. This sentence should introduce the idea of social work as an alternative to psych that is more aligned with your interests. Then, end the first paragraph.

Para #2:
It was my place of employment that...

Para #3:
Instead of being the one making the reports, I wanted to be the one that was being reported too. I wanted to...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Swedish language, Facing the challenge" -My college essay, what do you think? [3]

Excellent! You explained this very well, and I think this essay has some great sentences -- you write very artfully.

The theme of never giving up may be a little too simple. I think you can add something to this theme at the end. You can add some insight about how you can avoid the temptation to give up or how persistence can be meaningful. The trick is to explain the theme of "not giving up" in a way that expresses an important, unique, related truth.

However, that is just an idea; the essay is already impressive!

Graduate / MBA: Corporate Finance, professional goals and what to gain from the program [5]

You have to say they still are, not they still aren't:
...were simply non-existent in [Country A] (and still are ), I decided...

I am only looking for the best opportunity to start -- and exploring new professional opportunities is what MBA all about. presenting new professional opportunities.

You only have a few minor errors, but your meaning is ery clear, and your intelligence is obvious! You have small mistakes, like this:
Regardless of my success in securing the necessary job right now, I plan to undertake several tactical steps to attain my long-term goal.

Maybe necessary is not the right word...
Regardless of my success whether I succeed in securing the perfect j ob right now, I plan to undertake several tactical steps to attain my long-term goal.

Nice! This is very impressive.

I'm glad you are here, collaborating with us!

:-)

Writing Feedback / About A New Education Essay [8]


Because we act as though all this is real! To me, that seems like the answer to this question of why we favor positivism over intuition and inductive reasoning. I've only read your first para; i'll read the rest to see if that is what you think, too...

Yes, I would disagree with you if it weren't for the impermanence of things. The fact that things apear and disappear is why I agree with you. The consistency of material reality is not so consistent, because everything is already fading away.


Many people would make fun of this essay for this very reason; they would say that tangible and measurable things are on a higher level of credibility than any concepts, and that mythological concepts are silly to believe. However, our lore and mythology reflect what we collectively envision... and what we collectively envision may be what drives reality as we know it! (i.e. that is what Deepak Chopra says, he is my hero).

This part seemed messed up:
But look to your past, these same made your parent go through all kinds of ...---seems unclear.

I like the ending, had to read it twice. Yes, if we let go of all that seems rational we can be at a deeper level. It is practical to swim up to the rational level, though!

Scholarship / Out of the Crowd [4]

He held his stare for what seemed like two minutes but felt more like two hours, though it probably was only two minutes.

He quickly turned away.---- you mean after two minutes?

...slim and brunette girl approached me nicely ---- I think the fact that she is slim and brunette does not matter so much in this essay. It is a distraction, I think, because it interferes with your important theme.

Hey, this is excellent toward the end. It has meaning as your personal perspective and also as a sample of the feelings expressed by Muslim at this strange time in history. I love your poetic and thoughtful discussion at the end.

Undergraduate / IM LETTING MY LIFE SPEAK...but its not coming out right. (TUFTS!) [3]


That's cute...

This culture has been inescapable,extensive and securing. -------- these need explanations. As it is now, the reader must guess what they mean. It will be good if you take time in this sentence to explain each: inescapable in the sense that ________, extensive in the sense that ______, and secure in the sense that ___________.

It is a culture of constrained togetherness. ---- another great sentence!!! awesome...

Undergraduate / 'Gift not for trade' -Tufts the environment in which you were raised shaped you [5]


Great line!

Those four-mile Sunday walks shaped my childhood, and they laid the framework for the person I would become.
or
Those four-mile Sunday walks shaped my childhood (no comma) and laid the framework for the person I would become.

Growing up with extremely limited means has been proven to be a gift, and now I appreciate it as one that I would never trade. -- I think the way you had written it seemed wrong because of: has been ----- would never trade.

Anyway, this is excellent, a great idea...

:-)

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech - "My love for the game" [3]

I agree that this is good, and I also have a book to recommend for you:
Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections on and Off the Court
It really shows the wisdom available in basketball.

For readers, it is important in this kind of essay to help them appreciate basketball if they do not already; that is what makes the essay meaningful. You do that quite well with the description of Jordan stopping and the defender keeps going...

For this essay, they way to improve it might be to COMPOUND the theme of the essay so that you have 2 things going on at once. See if the principles involved with your basketball process are reflections of anything else you might have going on... your intended major, etc. What theme can it represent?

:-)

Undergraduate / Tufts supplemet-How my country has shaped me? [2]

I like the emphasis of education, and the descriptions of the revolution and your heritage, etc. Sorry I didn't get to participate in this thread before your deadline!

:-)

Undergraduate / Tufts - Who Am I? (Indeed - who!?) [3]

I've often asked myself the same thing, trying to pare the answer down into one neat little noun that I could offer people to would sum myself up.

Actually, this might be even better this way:
I've often asked myself the same thing, trying to pare the answer down into one neat little noun that I could offer people -- a word that would sum me up.

This is very eloquent! You don't need a comma, though, in any of these places:
I'm a thespian who...
I'm a musician who plays...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Miss Wordy" strikes again. I have to chop oh, about 193 words. [4]


This sentence gives chills. It is very powerful the way you place it here. It's a very powerful and surprisingly unique way to express something that is (unfortunately) a feeling familiar to many: a child is so neglected that she leaves home and no one notices...


Did you do these the same on purpose? I don't know if it gets the effect you are looking for. It almost seems like an error! So, maybe that is something to revisit. You could write:

Skydiving represented the life-saving empowerment that I found in the military" or something.

You can cut out words by combining skydiving with the Army as if two sides of one coin, and present both in one excellent paragraph.

Undergraduate / my enthusiasm - Tufts Supp! Who I am [2]

I love the philosophy behind some of Georgia O'Keeffe's philosophy behind her paintings.

I am someone who gets a kick out of my frequent nature walks or visits to antique stores. ------this is great!

I go analogy crazy. --- this does not seem so great. What do analogies hae to do with any of this. Maybe this sentence can be replaced...

I see that Jon gave some great advice here, too. Yes, at the end, you give a nice conclusion, quite powerful -- but it could use one more sentence to express your intentions... something for the reader to remember as s/he finishes the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / " GRE essay: Laws should not be rigid or fixed. .. [4]

This does not have many errors. I found this part that could be improved, though:
The nature of law was made more vivid and comprehensible as people learned from the places, events and circumstances of the time.

The great depression of 1929 brought into existence (no comma necessary here) the numerous finance laws which made sure that such disastrous economic recession would not hit the society to the extent it did in 1929.

Very good! I think you are bilingual, but you have learned perfect English.

Instead of him, you should write person, and instead of mankind you should write humankind. That way, you are gender-inclusive.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to explore the present" - COLUMBIA ESSAY [3]

Well... The other one is good, too, but the choose your own adventure theme is not supported very well. It forwards a theme of perseverance during physical trials, but not really adventure. However, it is well written! It really provides the reader with an experience of the strain you felt.

But, this one has potential to be even better. How about adding one more sentence after


, before ending the first paragraph? Actually, this sentence neds to be replaced, I think, with one that promotes a central theme that will be reinforced by the rest of the essay. "Time for lunch" creates a nice narrative effect, but it is not sufficient as a thesis statement. I think this will be better if you end that first para with a sentence that tells the main theme of the essay.

:-)

Essays / Good Entrance / Application Essay - how long should it be? [11]

This is a good excuse to call the admissions office and have a little talk with them. Really, that is the only way to be sure. Good luck!

Undergraduate / TUFTS! MY OBSESSION WITH FOREIGN MUSIC [4]


This is so good! Not ust this sentence, but the presentation of the whole essay. I like this about a relapse, though. An adjective is necessary before "music scene," though.

It seems to end abruptly.

:-)

Undergraduate / Tufts University paraphernalia, should i keep going for this... WHY TUFTS [3]

I see what you are doing; this is a nice idea. However, you need a clever way to justify wanting the paraphernalia. You need a great sentence that asserts, " I am interested in Tufts University for its excellent paraphernalia. (here the reader says, "What?! That is not a good reason." But then you explain that the paraphernalia represents ________, _________, and _________. That will be your thesis sentence, and then for eac idea you listed, write a body paragraph. Then, the conclusion will thoughtfully reflect on the whole notion of going their for the paraphernalia. Very creative!

Grammar, Usage / "during October 2009" vs. "in October 2009" [4]

I like it with during, because during has more detail than in. Writing is also visual art, and it is musical. The word during ads interest. The comma is unnecessary, though.

"For about four weeks during October 2009, we [...]"

Undergraduate / "my Muslim community" - BU 3 words.. [9]

It is not good to capitalize these words, like Broad Minded. Just keep them in lowercase: broad-minded.

Same with conscientious.

Maybe you can draw the reader into the meaning of the paragraph by saying where the community is:
In my Muslim community within _________, I am...

I am ambitious, determined, I'm imaginative, and independent, and I love to provide care and support for others.

:-)

Undergraduate / I am a conglomerate of different experiences and walks of life; Tufts - NEIGHBORHOOD [9]


Right after this sentence, iy would be better if you gie an example that shows what kind of neighborhood it is, just a glimpse into the neighborhood.

A perspective in which I am open-minded?
It has given me my own perspective on life, one in which I am from which I can see the value of open-mindedness and knowledge. It has allowed me to live a life that is truly global. ----and I think that last sentence is weak because it is unsubstantiated. It is better to chop it of and end with the good sentence about perspective.

:-)

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]

Great advice here. Sometimes the solution is simple:
I have been drawing since before I can even remember . Throughout my years at school I have often found myself sitting in class doodling all over my notebook and in between my class notes. I have drawn everything; from sprawling battles between...

Even though you leave out that first sentence, the effect this has on the reader is powerful, because the reader silently comes to the conclusion, "This person has been drawing since before s/he can even remember.." and that makes it a powerful experience. When you leave words out and the reader figures the meaning out on her own, the writing is creating a powerful experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay- High School Basketball Chronicles [7]

Here is a place where you can switch to the active voice:
His adroitness was sorely missed by the team. The team sorely missed his adroitness.

I really like this; it is great narration, and the style is engaging.

Wow, it is such a serious theme, and it is so well explained. This really shows some good skill as a writer.

I think it is okay to start in the present tense and then transition to the past tense. Tense changes are okay when they are done gracefully, and I think you did it rather gracefully. And as Faisal said, it creates a dramatic feeling when you start by writing in the present tense. I think it sounds good when you use the tenses this way; maybe you are being too critical of yourself.

:-)

Undergraduate / Adapter, Wikipedia, Prism: Boston University Supplement [2]

It is probably not good to start with something so obvious:
Boston University is located in Boston...

And this is too general, too vague to be meaningful:
...the place where I can enjoy the opportunity to interact with other people, share ideas with diverse population within Boston.
However, it was during a discussion with the Boston University's admission representative in my high school that I...
Furthermore, from BU's website, I found political science internship programs-----and right here is an opportunity to tell about some specific things you would like to do, some specific internships you would enjoy. You are supposed to share some of your plan.

I think the first essay lacks substance, and you can do better if you describe a plan for the next few years.
Ha ha, excellent, I like it that you call yourself Wikipedia.

Allow me to use metaphors to describe myself, for I believe that having abstract adjectives would certainly not deliver the full sense of who I am; than having solid objects that have symbolism in them. symbolic significance can represent me better.

:-)

Undergraduate / "three words are simply insufficient "- BU essay 3 words [3]

It is a meaningful observation you make, for sure. This is the theme of the movie that some say is the best movie of all time, Citizen Kane. His life was supposedly captured in the word Rosebud.

However, all art must reduce the reality to smething that can be conveyed. In a haiku, the writer is allowed only 12 syllables. So do not sidestep their challenge! Your idea is a bad idea, even though it is quite a good idea. It is a good idea to acknowledge that you have to reduce something in order to label it, but it is a bad idea to refuse to meet their challenge!!

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Kevin has a question... What is an essay? [22]

Sorry it took me forever to get back to this thread. EssayForum has gained lots of new members, lately.

All the ideas in this thread seem similar; great minds think alike. So essays are soul-snorkling self-expression. That sounds right. I'm surprised students still think of an essay this way after we have turned it into a chore in education.

Essays seem like chores, because they are so often school work.


Yes, so the essay comes from the same place that music and visual art come from. Artists express themselves in every way possible. They have something they need to express, and it comes before the art, driving it. A good example is

youtube.com/watch_popup?v=vOhf3OvRXKg

But sometimes in writing academic essays, the task comes before the inspiration. We have to write an essay about a particular topic, so we have to get inspired for that topic. But that is very different from the artist who feels passionate about something and dives into one art form after another trying to express it.

Undergraduate / BU essay: humor, openminded, charisma [6]

I guess I think it is distracting that I have to work hard to figure out what the words are. I spend my time trying to figure out which words you mean to establish as the three, and it might detract from the power of the essay. Maybe you can find a clever way to name the 3 words in a sentence somewhere near the beginning of the essay.

You have a great way of writing. One thing, I guess that could improve this would be to see if there is a word that is better than charismatic. I feel like it is not quite what you mean. Charismatic is often something you observe about someone else; I don't know if people often describe themselves as charismatic. You light want to consider alternatives, like engaging. You can explain that you never hesitate to engage people and that you value good communication.

For that last para, you might come up with some ideas for SUBSTANCE, something tangible instead of an abstract idea. For example, you can refer back to a theme that you established in the intro. As I look at the intro to this essay, it seems only like an intro to the point about humor. It will be better if you add a new first paragraph that introduces all three words instead of ust one of them,

Use an intro and conclusion as a frame for the essay, and in both of them use a theme that captures the whole idea of the essay. I hope that helps! I'm afraid it took me too long to respond and I was not in time to help...

:-)

Undergraduate / an East Asian Languages and Cultures major - writing an admissions essay! [3]


Wait a minute, you are SUPPOSED to write the way you talk. That is naturalness.

One important thing, though, is to be interesting. You spent almost that whole first paragraph explaining something that is obvious and well-known. Instead of stating that obvious melting-pot truth, ponder it until a brilliant thought emerges. What unique observation have you made from your unique vantage point?

Don't say very crucial, just crucial.

These things you write in both paragraphs are very general, so it is not very meaningful. It will be so much better if you let us in on your specific plans! :-)

Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

Too long, some sentences can overextend the reader's brain:
I was too short, and my stomach was never flat enough -- especially compared to the models gracing the pages of magazines and the Jennifer Aniston look-a-likes walking down the streets of Manhattan.

Hey, I like it! Near the middle, I started thinking it was going to be a self-indulgent essay by someone preoccupied with looks and pretending to have goten over the preoccupation... but you made your point so eloquently near the end!

I think it would change the essay for the beter if you got rid of this part, but I don't know why:
...truth," My hair is curly and never wants to behave," and I...

:-)

Undergraduate / A products design features depend on the user; SOP for masters in industrial design [3]

I am struggling with the word deliberateness. It is an important word in the essay, because of the way you are using it to compare, but is it the best word? Maybe it is indeed the best word and simply needs a little more explanation: stakeholders must act in a deliberate way because of their understanding of the _______(?) that is inherent in both design and nature.

Or maybe it is just my inexperience with this subject that makes it confusing to me.

:-)

This sentence is not too bad, but it is not technically correct. I am pretty sure it is not corect, even though we commonly structure sentences this way. Still, I would suggest a restructuring:

As my understanding of these design relationships grows, I feel intellectually awakened.

Undergraduate / gender, children's literature and emergent consciousness ?? [3]

Great discussion, Faisal. I was reading recently about a strange way we keep people in their roles:
When adults expect boys to be tough and girls to be cute, it makes them develop accordingly, and then in the future the girls experience a "glass ceiling" that prevents them from rising up the corporate ladder, etc.

People celebrate girls' cuteness and boys' toughness and they don't even realize that this is oppressive!

I'm sure this applies in literature, too. If you are in an early childhood ed. program, you must discuss modeling a lot as a way of teaching. In literature, characters model behaviors, too!

Undergraduate / SAIC Statement of Purpose on yourself as artist [4]


In this sentence you omit some words: "which is" seems to belong after that comma. But you could lso write this sentence in a simpler way:

"If anybody really wants to know me they can just look in my sketchbook full of the strange ideas that make me the person I am."

From what I've learned of SAIC it also seems like a community that values collaboration-exchanging and combining skills is a system I really thrive off of, and in many ways, is one of the best ways for me to learn.-----ha ha, I see whatyou mean about using too many words. Yes, trim them away! :-)

From what I've learned of SAIC it also seems like a community that values collaboration -- exchanging and combining skills is a system in which I can really thrive. off of, and in many ways, This is one of the best ways for me to learn, because _________.

Undergraduate / CU Short Answer -- Talk about Activity [3]

When you have such a tight word limit, you should think of a lot of key words, and work them in. Use the most important words, and keep it simple, so that you can fit a lot of substance. All it takes is one sentence that really captures something you actually got from it, some insight you actually gained. Don't just say the general things that are true abut model UN. Share your experience.