Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Yes. In the introduction. Listen, I can't go piece mill on advising you with this essay. You have to do the legwork. I can;t write it for you. Your consults are going to eventually become useless if you can't even get past the outline form. If you really want to get started properly on this essay then I suggest you do the following:

1. Develop your thesis statement. What is it in particular you want to discuss?
2. Develop the topics that will help you present information related to your thesis.
3. Outline your discussion using the 2nd outline form you presented in this thread.
4. Start a draft version of your essay.
5. Post it here for comments

The draft form will at least give me an idea as to whether you are properly developing the essay, what points are weak, what you can enhance, which parts can be further improved, etc. Just write the essay. Get started on it. I can't guide you if I can't see the direction you are headed in.Don't waste time. Your deadline will be here before you know it.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Use the second outline version Nel. It really offers you a better chance at outlining your points of comparison and contrast, as well as creating the central point of comparison and contrast. I can already see the points at which you can create your minor compare and contrast points. These are:

- How it started
- Way of delivering
- cost
-clients

The central comparison and contrasting points should be the thesis of your essay. For example, you can say that you are trying to decide which of the two companies have the more efficient delivery system based upon specific criteria. Then mention that you will also consider some other points (minor comparison and contrast) points that can help you and the readers evaluate who has the better delivery system. That is just an example. I am sure you can come up with a better point of discussion since this is your assignment and you are more familiar with it.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Nel, you can never write a compare and contrast essay using general terms of your research. You definitely need to choose specific points of comparison to use for that part of your essay. If you don't create a criteria for the comparison and contrast, you will have a difficult time trying to write this paper. I apologize for not mentioning that earlier. I thought you already understood that you had to do it that way.

Remember to list down the commonalities that you can use for that part of the essay. You can use those for the comparison parts. When it comes to the contrasting part, make a new list that contains the differences of the companies. Write the paper in essay form using the outline you provided to me above. I think it will work well in terms of developing your paper.

Have you given any thought as to how you are going to conclude your paper? Have you thought of the central point of comparison and contrast that you plan on using for this paper? The central point will help you develop a proper conclusion for this essay so don't neglect to properly develop that point in the paper. That central comparison point should be different from the minor comparison and contrasting points that you will be using throughout the paper.

Undergraduate / My "best" friend - panic disorder. UC Personal Statement [7]

Hi Rachel, sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I wanted to make sure that the revision I did of your essay really hit the mark in terms of the prompt that you provided. This is what I came up with:

I have spent the past five years of my life learning to deal with the effects of my "frenemy". This best friend would be considered an enemy by most people since he tends to disrupt my life, studies, goals, and relationships. Yet, I do not blame him for my problems. The truth is that without my best friend, I would not have become the person I am today. So I always say thank you to my friend, a condition better known as "Panic Disorder".

I have also forced myself to hide my anxieties. Which is one of the reasons that my friends thought of me as a "quiet girl". The truth is, I wasn't being quiet. I was trying not to be overcome by panic in these public settings, but I could not tell them that.

After 3 years of trying to deal with my panic disorder on my own, I felt the time had come to try some medical treatments to make my symptoms go away. I tried everything from holistic / yoga therapy to acupuncture and acupressure sessions, .reading sle-help books, and most of the other relaxation activities that I came across in the hopes of quieting my panic attacks. Somehow, nothing seemed to work.

It took some time for me to realize that the solution to my disorder lay within myself. Rather than trying to beat the fear, I embraced it. I allowed it to consume me totally so that I could better understand what I then considered my enemy. After facing up to the fear, I began to find my own original ways of dealing with the panic attacks. Things slowly started to change and I began to notice the pressure was decreasing.

My "panic disorder" is under control now. Sometimes, he still visits me, However, I no longer feel deep hatred or despair during those unexpected visits. I believe thisis how I was able to conquer my disorder. Thanks to this "frenemy" of mine, I was able to find my career path. He was the one that led me to study psychology , so that I could help heal myself and others who suffer from disorders similar to mine.

My history could be material for some psychology theory in the future. As I mentioned, panic disorder helped me to become the person I am today. I learned how to maintain a level head and stay calm and confidant. Now I know I know how to treat my enemy as a friend. Learning how to do that has freed me to face the world of uncertainty and doubt in a much stronger manner and advanced social and psychological abilities.

As you can see, I revised the content in such a manner that it told the reviewer about an experience that is important to you. I also made sure to highlight that you are proud of your accomplishment in terms of dealing with your anxiety and that it helped you to get to know yourself better and allowed you to become a better person in the process. I hope you won't mind that I edited your essay so much :-)

By the way, "frenemy" is a term that was coined, I think by Ms. Paris Hilton to describe her friends who turned out to actually be her enemies. I thought it sounded better to use that term than to have to constantly describe why your disorder was both a best friend and enemy to you. I hope you liked the term.

Undergraduate / Bad Spaghetti - Stanford Supplement (Intellectual Vitality) [5]

Rayan, I still remember this essay vividly from when you first posted it. I found it quite appealing and humorous at that time, something that I still feel to this very day, having read the essay once again. Why are you thinking of trashing this essay? I really wish that you would keep it. It has the potential to answer a number of prompts such as:

1. An obstacle you had to overcome
2. Describe an accomplishment that you are proud of (with edits and revisions)
3. A background or personal experience

Of course all of the aforementioned prompts require you to adjust your essay to better suit the prompts. Personally, I would keep this essay for future use / reference. It is always best to keep your old essay on file as you never know when you it might come in handy. Of course if you want to really delete the file, then you cannot be stopped from doing so :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2 : Whose responsibility is it provide food for school children? [2]

Nofri, your argument relies too much on the idea of a public school feeding program. While I will admit that it is important for schools to provide their students with nutritious meals in their school cafeteria, and the government should take charge of that part of the feeding program, the main responsibility for healthy feeding lies on the shoulder of the children's parents.

Keep in mind that the schools generally supply no more than one meal a day to the students, normally a lunch meal. However, not all students are part of a free feeding program. Neither are they always given a food allowance to buy a nutritious lunch at school by their parents. A majority of the students pack their meals and snacks because it is more economical for parents to do when their children go to school.

That said, keep in mind that the children eat all of their other meals at home. Meaning, they consume the food that their mother or caretaker prepares for them. Now, whether this meal will be nutritious / healthy or not, depends upon the person preparing the child's food. The government and school does not have anything to do with that. So even if the school feeds the child one healthy meal a day, they cannot be sure that the rest of the meals will be nutritious for the child. Therefore, the responsibility for the preparation of healthy food for the children should be made the responsibility of the parents instead.

Therefore, while children should be able to eat healthy meals at school, we cannot say that that singular meal will be responsible for the learning ability of the child. That learning ability, if related to the food intake, should be the main responsibility of the parents since they are the ones who buy the food that these children eat outside of the school.

Writing Feedback / Potential new supermarkets in the city of Garldson [2]

Caroot, you have shown improvement in your comprehension and writing skills. While still wanting in grammar perfection, the ideas that you wanted to get across were clearly understood now. This is a sure sign of improvement and growth as a future exam taker. Keep it up i:-)

A breakdown of two potential locations (S1 and S2) for a new supermarket in the city of Garldson is indicated in map. Overall, while it can be seen that there is S1 IS potentiaLY LOCATED l outside of the town, S2 is located in the city center which have HAS the largest population.

Looking at the information in more GREATER detail, S1 is on the north west of Garldson, between THE Hindon main road and railways, . SPECIFICALLY, beside the main road which is close to the residential area of the town. S2 applies almost HAS A BETTER LOCATION SINCE THE a whole of THE Garldson city center, and also IS LOCATED near the housing area that opposite the industry ZONE, ALL OF WHICH ARE WITHIN EASY ACCESS OF THE NEW SUPERMARKET.

The main road is linking LINKS to Garldson town center from TO Hindson, Bransdon and Cransdon which eoulf be no WOULD NOT BE EASILY accessED to BY S2 by USING A vehicle. In contrast,while in front of S1 lies ON THE Hindon main road, it would be MAKING IT DIFFICULT TO REACH difficult going to Bransdon and Cransdon. The supermarketsis WILL BE close to the railways that connect from Hindon to Cransdon.

Undergraduate / I am incredibly proud of my AP scores - UC Personal Statement [Freshman] Prompt #2 [4]

Rene, I have a strange feeling that you meant to answer the prompt about facing an obstacle and how you overcame it. The essay that you currently have does not respond to the prompt you provided at all. So in answer to your question, nope, you did not answer the prompt properly. Not even remotely. You answered a totally different prompt altogether.

I would suggest that at this point, you do one of two things.

1. Change the prompt in order to use this current essay
2. Write a new essay that better responds to the prompt expectations.

My opinion is that since you have already spent so much time writing this essay, that you just change the prompt to the "obstacle" question if it is available in your application packet. It is easier to edit the essay to suit the correct prompt than it is to write a totally new essay that will fit the prompt you chose but misunderstood. Let me know how you opt to proceed. I'll be more than happy to continue guiding you down either path for your essay :-)

Undergraduate / PROUD TO OVERCOME AND BE ME UC TRANSFER PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]

Phoebe, your story is one that will definitely shock the reviewer. If he ever gets to the part about you suspecting you are pregnant and then confirming it. Your opening paragraph is just too verbose to be as effective as it should be. My suggestion is that you try to cut down on the background that you have right now. Just get to the point. Tell the reviewer instead about the kind of relationship that you had with this man. Discuss the relationship with him and your family that led you to decide that this was the best choice for you.

You need to lead the reviewer on the soul searching journey that you went on. What were the factors that you considered when opting for this decision? Why did you not opt to have the baby adopted after birth instead? You need to convince the reader that you did not have a choice in this matter and that the decision to abort was the best one for you. What were the factors that persuaded you to decide upon it? More importantly, how has this affected the person that you are today?

You definitely show remorse for your decision. That is a good thing. It shows how until now, you are torn apart by what you did. This remorse is supported by the factors that led you to decide upon the abortion. Make sure that connection is clear. Then, in conclusion, discuss how important being pro-choice is to you. Tell us how being pro-choice has helped you become a better person. Don't just say that you are not a stigma. Tell us how the whole process has made you a better person and why you are thankful for what happened even though others might crucify you for the decision you made.

By the way, I admire your conviction and your desire to move on with your life. While I know this will stay with you forever, know that you did was best for you and the fetus at the time. I truly believe that things could have been worse for both of you if you had gone through with it and it would have been more difficult for you to move on with your life under a new and difficult dynamic.

Scholarship / Brief biography and what motivates you (250 or less) [4]

Zikora, your essay is really best served as response if you will just use the first half that dealt with your family background. The sudden presentation of your educational side really did not have any transition and just shocked the reader because it was a total disconnect from your personal background story.

Your personal background really presents a very interesting and emotional side of your family. It is strong and shows a glimpse into your strong personality as you survived being away from your family for 2 days at such a young age. I would like to have read a further development of that side of your personality in relation to your family background. Maybe discuss more about your responsibility as the eldest son and discussing how at present, that responsibility is at the forefront of your desire to graduate and help your family in the future.

The essay is asking you to discuss significant experiences or events in your life so you need to make sure that your discussion relates to one another. You can't go from personal to academic without preparing the reader using a transition sentence at the very least. That is what made this current version ill-advised to use. Just be more personal and engaging. You can't go wrong by following the prompt :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - A comparison of house prices in five major cities [2]

Hi Bayu, let me help you out here. There are just some grammatical considerations that concern me in your developed essay. It is nothing major but I really hope to continue to see you progressing in terms of having a smoother use of the English language in the future. Right now, the grammar problems make your essay "choppy" at best.

The bar chart describeS of an THE average house price in New York, Frankfurt, Madrid, London, and Tokyo in OVER a 12-year period, in comparison with data in FROM 1989. Overall, it can be seen that Frankfurt and Madrid houses priceS almost leveled off in the marginal percentages for over MORE THAN a decade. In any case, London home value experienced by far was the HAD A massive PRICE alteration from 1990 to 2002.

According to the data, this THESE two big cities in Europe, Frankfurt and Madrid, has HAD A stable economic condition. It can be perceived from their STABLE house prices which were stable REFLECTED AT between 0% and 5 %. This is in stark contrast to the home value in Tokyo. They TOKYO HOME PRICES went down to BY around 7% in 1990-1995 and fell to 5% in OVER the next years.

The most noticeable case was taken place in London city. This city experienced a considerable jump to approximately 12% in the late 2002. Following this, New York house costs also seen SHOWED the same tone with TREND AS IN London, it was AND accounted FOR THE RISE rising to OF 5% during the projection PROJECTED years.

Scholarship / Furthering my education has been a personal goal I have always striven to achieve. (100 words) [3]

Alex, you only have 50 words in this statement response. At this point, the response is too short and does not really offer fully developed responses to the prompt. I am advising you to write more about your academic and personal goals. In fact, you should go over the word count when you write your draft.

The reason that you need to write more than the word limit requires in your draft is simple. By fully developing your statement into an essay, It will be easier to remove the unnecessary points and shorten the important points to fit into the prompt requirements. By immediately limiting your response, you are not doing yourself any favors. The response comes off as badly written and definitely not properly developed. I am sure that is not your aim for this response.

You already provided an acceptable discussion of your academic goals. Now all you have to do is better discuss your personal goals. Make sure to develop it just as well as your academic side. Again, don't fear the word count. I won't let you go over the limit and I will make sure that you will have the most properly developed essay that you can have based upon the information you provided :-) You are not alone in developing this statement.

Scholarship / Motivational Letter for Masters Scholarship in Sustainable Transportation & electrical Power Systems [3]

Hi Eniola, I was able to edit your essay down to 232 words. Here it goes:

To reduce the high social and environmental costs of transportation in Nigeria, I believe it is important to invest ...

I am wondering though, don't you have any current relevant work experience or training along the lines of your interest for the masters degree? I just feel like it would better strengthen your essay than you college final year project. If you don't have any, then this motivational letter will work just fine now that it has been edited for content.

Writing Feedback / Universities or some vocational courses for students? [5]

Ngo,why not compare the possibility of a college graduate getting employment or starting their own business in comparison to a vocational student. Keep in mind that these days, vocational students can earn better because they can work for themselves right after graduating from their short course. While college students need to gain employment from others before they can start making a living for themselves.

While the argument that you offer is acceptable, the discussions are not fully explained or developed. These problems create a hole in the discussion and leaves the reader questioning certain statements that you have made. In order to balance the discussion, you need to expect certain questions and be sure to defend or discuss your stand in the essay. If you think of the question while writing the essay, then so will the reader. Then make sure to preempt the question by posing a discussion of it in the essay.

Overall though, you did not write a bad essay. While it is marred by bad grammar, you were able to get your point across and give the reader some points to ponder. As I said, there is room to improve your discussion. However, the essay can be graded on its current merit and I do believe that the score will not be bad at all :-)

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Film Major Supplemental Application [3]

Lynn, I think you need to revise this essay mostly because your goal for wanting to become a filmmaker is not really strong and does not resonate well with the reviewer. Keep in mind that you are going to be applying for film school alongside some students whose reasons for pursuing a film career run deep in their veins. Your reason, sounds too whimsical and less than serious to the reviewer. Just because you made a few home movies and wrote a few lines which you shot, and because you learned to use editing software, does not make your reasons for wanting to attend film school imperative.

While you were asked not to flatter the reviewer when you write this essay, there is nothing in the rules that state that you cannot use serious reasons for wanting to become a film maker. Your reasons are quite common place at this point and is the standard, almost generic answer of most people with a "simple" interest in film school. That just won't do in a college application.

Try to delve deeper into your past experiences with watching films. Think back to that time you saw the movie with your father. What was the emotion that was running through you at the time? How would you explain that emotion and how it could have influenced you to become a film maker? It should be more than just about bringing joy to the viewer. Try to develop a response that presents more of a personal connection between film and yourself. The development of your response as a goal should center on "family bonding" as the main goal that you wish to pursue this career.

Aside from that goal, you also need to develop your academic interest in film. Pick up this discussion from the moment you learned to use the software program then connect it in some way to your "family bonding" experience with your siblings. The theme of your essay should be all about that bond that films create for families who watch or are involved in its creation. I believe that would make this essay "pop" for sure.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "You're pretty, for a fat girl." [4]

Destinee, give the problem you want to solve a name. It's called "body Dysmorphic Issues" and it is a real problem that women face these days. That is also what you were suffering from in the fourth grade. By using the correct title for the problem, you will show a more personal connection to the issue than you currently represent in the essay. Right now, it seems like you are unaware of the gravity of the problem. By using the name of the problem to help describe your situation, you will be able to show that you have given immense thought as to the problem you want to present and your suggestions for overcoming it.

The solutions that you offer show more anger that logic in the solutions that you hope to offer for the problem. Rather than bordering on being smart alecky, try to come down to earth with a more workable solution. Something along the lines of starting a group at your school that would help other students with body dysmorphic issues overcome their fears that they are not worthy of being a member of society. Starting a community news letter that teaches other kids in the neighborhood to love themselves regardless of how others see them. Use the example of Tess Holiday as the poster child for your club.

The reason that you are being asked to choose a cause close to your heart and discuss how you would help solution is because the university wants to make sure that their future students are those who care about the direction that society is headed in and that they will not hesitate to step in to try and improve a bad situation. You already have the seed planted within you, all you have to do now is develop it in a less angry, more engaging and inspiring tone using doable solution proposals.

Undergraduate / I am finsishing my college essays and I am having a hard time would some tell me how mine is! [3]

Kaitlyn, unfortunately, the essay that you wrote does not respond to either prompt at this point. It is just too scattered in terms of central theme and discussion development. This problem affected the direction that you wanted to take the prompt in. Actually, the prompt seems to try to answer 3 different prompts with each prompt partially responded do in each paragraph. I don't know how to tell you this after you have told us that you revised this essay many times already but, you really can't use this essay and you need to develop a new one in order to respond to the correct prompt. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging. I'm going to guide you towards responding to one of the prompts based on the more dominant information in your current essay.

From everything that I read, it seems that we can really direct this prompt to properly respond to prompt B. You have all the elements to tell "a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it." The elements of an interesting essay along this prompt is just under developed in your current essay. For starters, you can open you essay with something like;

"I was born to parents who were not romantically involved with each other. Yes, I am the product of a one night stand." That kind of introduction is eye catching enough to reel in the reviewer. From that point, you can develop the paragraph further by continuing with " My parents were only 19 ... when they had me". Continue your story of being shuffled around from there and how the constant shuffling affected your frame of mind and made you develop questions about your parent's love for you or something along those lines.

Then explain how you ended up in your father's care for a year. Move on to talk about how all of these events in your life helped you develop certain positive traits or characters, I am sure you can decide which positive influences you can discuss. Just focus the essay on your relationship with your parents, it's ups and downs, and the lessons you learned from it.

Close the essay on a positive note, thanking your parents for the way that your upbringing taught you how to rely on yourself and not have to look to others for constant support and assurance, make your personal journey a learning and empowering experience. Then close the essay. Delete the part about your choice of college major as it does not really connect with the story of your life and how it helped you shape the person you have become.

Writing Feedback / Internet users in North America on the ten-year period from 1999 to 2009 [2]

Hasbi, we just need to edit your essay for clarity. So far, I see a well developed essay that gives me the confidence to know that you are improving in your written skills.

A comparison of the proportion of people in three countries who used the Internet between OVER 10 YEARS COVERING THE PERIOD OF 1999 and 2009, a ten-year period. CAN BE SEEN IN THE LINE CHART. Overall it can be seen that t The percentage of the population who used the I internet grew dramatically in each country over the remainder of the period. In any case, i Internet users in Canada revealed HAD the highest percentage, while Mexico depicted reverse HAD THE LOWEST INTERNET USAGE RATE.

in In 1999, the percentage of internet users in the USA stood at 20%, whereas the proportion in both Canada and Mexico were lower, at virtually 10% and 5% respectively. o Over the following ten years, I internet usage in the USA and Canada increased SPREAD to approximately 70% of the population. However, this figure for Mexico experienced A very low INCREASE , at around 24%

A more detailed look at the line chart showed the percentage of I internet users was largest in Canada, representing virtually 100% of Canadians THE CANADIAN POPULATION AS HAVING used the Internet. On the other hand, internet user's percentage for Americans solely WAS SEEN TO BE AT ONLY four-fifths and only two-fifths of FOR THE Mexicans of all population

Undergraduate / What do you do? Why do you do it? (20-200 words). [6]

Hey Ornel, you wrote an almost excellent response to the prompt you were given. It shows a true embodiment of the character traits that Lafayette looks for in their future students. The way that you shared your activity and how you hope to continue doing the same social and charitable activity while in college will be something that the reviewer is sure to remember. As of now, all you have to do is polish the statement by providing more connecting words and a bit of thought clarification in some parts. The essay now has 182 words :-)

Scholarship, Service, Leadership, and Character, the four pillars that have helped shape the individual I am today. The Arista National Honor Society has been the foundation of my socio-civic involvements since my sophomore year. The society taught me how to become a better individual by teaching me to lead, serve, excel and succeed. In order to become a member of the society, I had to be an active volunteer in the local community, serve other people, walk marathons, and help those around me.

The members of the group have shown me what it takes to become a dedicated and open minded individual who is able to communicate and compromise for the betterment of many. I aspired to one day be one of those individuals who guided others in making better decisions for the community. Now, in my senior year, I have the pleasure to say that I am the vice-president of Arista. Volunteering in my community has exposed me to people's experiences and taught me about how they cope with certain things.I now have the opportunity to give other people the same experience. Being the vice-president has allowed me to help and motivate those who were once like myself.

I separated the statement into paragraphs so that it will be easier for the reviewer to read and also clarify the topic points that are being discussed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Modern technology, make human more reliance on them [2]

Bayu, the essay that you presented has a clear thought and presents a solid line of reasoning. However, you could have better argued this essay by stating that, while high school and college students are allowed to use computers and calculators for their basic math equations, the foundation for these skills are not forgotten in elementary schools. Remind the reader that while it is true that modern technology makes man reliant on the gadget, the schools and our parents training at home makes learning the basics an essential part of growing up.

As an example, you can present how the fundamentals of Math; addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, are all taught as a part of the basic math subject in gradeschool. However, as the equations get more complex and more formulas are added to the mix, scientific calculators become an essential part of solving the problems. Thereby making technology necessary in order to accomplish modern tasks. The human brain can only calculate so much and remember so many formulas, computers and calculators however, can remember and do more, faster and more accurately than than human brain can.

Then there is of course the training we get at home. While we are taught by our parents as children to wash dishes by hand, as we develop an understanding of the technology around us, we are then allowed to use the dishwasher. There again, is the reference to the basic skill that is first taught and developed in a child prior to the use of technology. So no, it isn't true that technology makes a person reliant on them. There are many ways that these basic skills are unknowingly taught to the children. They just don't need to always apply the basic, hard method, skill when they have the technology to make the work easier.

When you argue these types of essays, try to make sure that you present both the technical and practical aspects of the discussion. When you use everyday examples to help support your stance, the essay becomes stronger because the examiner will know that you fully understood the prompt in relation to commonly known facts and activities.

Undergraduate / My "best" friend - panic disorder. UC Personal Statement [7]

Rachel, the essay that you wrote is more suited towards the "Obstacle that you had to overcome" prompt rather than "Describe the world you come from". Panic Anxiety Disorder is actually an illness that prevents you from performing your tasks and is a state of mind that needs help in order to overcome. Therefore, this is not part of the world that the essay wishes you to describe to the reviewer.

This kind of prompt expects you to discuss some character building or influential people in your life. These are the people of situations that have helped you develop your character and allowed you to get to know yourself better as you developed your world using its influence. Think of how you chose your college major when you write your revised essay.

Your college major is something that you came to choose based upon your experiences in life, the influence of your family members (teachers, pastor, friend, teammates, etc), and the way that these community members have pushed you to evolve as a person. I don't get a sense of that in this essay because this illness does not have the ability to shape your dreams and aspirations. In fact, you never provided an answer, no matter how remotely to that part of the prompt.

That said, it is pretty obvious that this essay will not work for the prompt even if you try to revise the content. Like it or not, you have to develop a totally new essay with new content that is more in line with the expected prompt response and other requirements.

Undergraduate / 'You can't create experiences, experiences create you' - Washington Univ. undergraduate application [3]

Firasy, you don't have to create such a verbose introduction for your response to this essay. I think you targeted meeting the maximum word count which is why you decided to get all fluffy with your opening statement when you did not necessarily have to do so. Actually, the introduction did not tell me anything about you so I don't really think that the reviewer will appreciate reading a full paragraph or words, just to learn about a Julius Ceasar quote at the end. My opinion is that you should just delete that part and open immediately with your explanation of the camp experience that you had.

The camp experience shows a whole side of your personality and character trait development that will not be seen in any other essay prompt. So don't waste the word count on trying to meet a requirement, just concentrate on presenting your story and the development of your abilities in the quickest way possible. Don't waste the reviewer's time when he has to read 500 more applications that day.

I like the way that you opened the second paragraph. When you said "Life is a series of experiences and each of it surely has affected us in some way." I knew that I was going to be in for a very interesting narrative. You did not fail to deliver that. So you don't really need your current first paragraph. That was weakly developed. So why keep the weak part when removing it can strengthen and make your essay more interesting right?

I also believe that you can remove the part about your experience with the talent night at the conference. It does not deliver as strong an impact as the earlier activities that you presented. It also does not reflect any true leadership development on your part so it is a negligible part of this essay. However, the last sentences that you wrote after that are quite strong and really brings the narrative full circle so you should keep or enhance that part of your conclusion.

Undergraduate / 'overwhelmed with emotion' - Transfer Applicant - George Washington University [10]

Hi Daisy, I don't really see how else we can further improve your statement at this point. It is really direct to the point and will inform the reviewer in a more accurate and precise manner. I am afraid that if we add any more information to the statement, it will just muddle the discussion and force an unwarranted revision to the current essay. In my opinion, you can already use this version of the essay.

Now, I don't want you think that I am not giving you a chance to add information to the essay that you believe can improve it further. So, if you can think of any information that you want to add because you believe it will help enhance your response to the prompt, tell me about it in your response to this thread. I'll let you know if I think we can use it or not and why.

As of now, I believe that this is the most solid response that you can deliver to the GW reviewer. By keeping your essay short and to the point, he will come to understand that you are a serious candidate for admission who does not waste time or beats around the bush. This is a character trait that should impress him quite well :-) Remember, everyone else will present lengthy essays that will test the patience of the reviewer. You have to try to make sure that you separate from the pack by offering a different type of response :-)

Writing Feedback / The cost of an average house in five major cities from 1990 and 2002 [2]

Hasbi, why don't you try to switch around the way that you express your report summary? It seems like all of you are using the same template for writing your essays when you can make the essay a bit more interesting by learning to present the information in different ways. Let me show you how you can restate some of your sentences to make it more interesting.

A comparison of the cost of an average house in five major cities from 1990 and 2002, a 13-year period compared from 1989 is illustrated in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that, house prices fell between 1990 and 1995, but most of the cities saw rising prices between 1996 and 2002. In any case, London experienced the greatest changes in house prices over the remainder period.

- THE BAR CHART REPRESENTS A COMPARISON OF THE COST OF AN AVERAGE HOUSE IN FIVE MAJOR CITIES OVER A 13 YEAR PERIOD COVERING THE YEARS 1990-2002. IT APPEARS THAT THE HOUSING PRICES FELL DURING THE YEARS OF 1990 AND 1995. HOWEVER IN THE YEARS COVERING 1996-2002, A RISE IN PRICES WERE SEEN. OF THE FIVE COUNTRIES REPRESENTED, LONDON SHOWED THE MOST CHANGE IN PRICES OVER THE REMAINING PERIOD.

From 1990 to 1995, the cost of average homes in Tokyo and London dropped by around 7%, and New York house prices plummeted by 5%. However, in both Madrid and Frankfurt house prices rose by approximately 2%.

- THE AVERAGE COST OF A HOME IN LONDON AND TOKYO DROPPED BY 7 PERCENT FROM 1990-1995. IN THE USA, THE PRICE OF NEW YORK HOMES PLUMMETED BY 5 5 DURING THE SAME PERIOD EVEN AS MADRID AND FRANKFURT SHOWED A SLIGHT RISE OF 2% IN HOUSE PRICES.

Between 1996 and 2002, London house prices rose dramatically to around 12%. Furthermore, houses' price in New York had grown to 5% above the 1989 average, but homes in Tokyo remained cheaper than they were in 1989. While the cost of an average home in Madrid rose by around 2%, prices in Frankfurt remained virtually unchanged.

- A 12% INCREASE IN LONDON HOUSE PRICES REGISTERED WITHIN 1996-2002. THIS WAS A MARKED INCREASE FOR LONDON ALONG WITH NEW YORK THAT SHOWED A 5% GROWTH IN PRICES ABOVE THE 1989 AVERAGE. HOWEVER, TOKYO HOMES REMAINED LOWER THAN THEIR 1989 PRICES. MADRID INCREASED THEIR HOUSE COSTS BY A MINIMAL 2% WHILE FRANKFURT DID NOT SHOW ANY CHANGES DURING THE SAME PERIOD.

Writing Feedback / A new supermarket in a town called Garlsdon [2]

Hi hasbi, I hope that you will learn some grammar lessons from the corrections I will be making below . It is clear that you have the ability to properly analyze and report on diagram maps that are given to you for report creation.

In any case, the there is a railway which goes across the whole town and the main road linking the town centre with Hindon.

A more detailed look at to the map reveals that the first potential location (S1) is outside the town itself, and is sited SITUATED just off the main road to the town of Hindon, lying 12 kms to the north-west.

S2's location is right PERFECT because it takes place in the town centre, which would be good for local residents.

Your work on this essay report is almost perfect. This is a good sign for you as a future IELTS exam taker. I hope to see the continued improvement of your written work :-)

Writing Feedback / The map illustrates two planed locations for building a novel supermarket [2]

Hi Irham, let's address some spelling and grammar problems in your report :-)

The map illustrates two plaNned locations for building a novel NEW supermarket in Garlsdson which have HAS 65,000 inhabitants. Overall, those areas are the suitable places for business. In any case, while the supermarket is built in S1 duo to near from having more parking's space DUE TO THE LARGE AVAILABLE PARKING SPACE, I believe that S2 is the best location owing to economic central activities.

To begin, S1 is located in A countryside zone between main roads and A railway which have direction LEADS to Hindon. The advantages of this site are THAT there is enough place for car parking CAR PARKING SPACE and it is accessible for people who live in the rural areaS. In contrast, the location of S1 is not suitable for people who live in Bransdon and Cransdon thanks to long distance DUE TO THE DISTANCE OF THE THEIR LOCATIONS TO THE SUPERMARKET.

Meanwhile, the second potential area (S2), IS situated on the left side of THE railway, in the Town Centre, is more comfortable MAKING IT MORE COMFORTABLE for citizens of Crandson TO TRAVEL SINCE as it is only 25 km from this place toTHE town centre. This site is also surrounded by houses and industrial zoneS nearby.Those make supermarket will develop dramatically in S2. THE EXISTENCE OF WHICH MEANS THAT THE SUPERMNARKET WILL GENERATE MORE INCOME AT S2 THAN AT S2

Undergraduate / GPPA Program: Why direct to medical school? [5]

Hi Serena :-) Listen, the essay that you wrote, when read in terms of the new prompt that you provided, actually makes a lot of sense. So yes, it is applicable to the new prompt. However, you should maybe concentrate less on the eye care aspect of your exposure to medicine and instead try to find a generalized medical situation that you were exposed to. There are two reasons that I believe you should do this.

The first reason is that the particular paragraph that you have which relates to your grandfather and the exposure to his free clinic runs too long. You should either divide it into 2 paragraphs or shorten the content. One long paragraph tends to become hard to read so splitting up the content should really help hold the interest of the reader.

The second, is that you speak only of eye health in that paragraph. You said so yourself in your earlier paragraph that medicine allows you to choose from a variety of specializations. Yet, it seems that you have already centered your medical career on Opthalmology. The essay should really contain a more general discussion of your interest in medicine and how it developed in order to properly support your declaration that medicine interests you because of the many fields that you can enter in order to become a doctor and help people.

Other than that concern, the rest of your essay really doesn't need to be changed in my opinion. However, it might need to change once you revise the essay and I read the new material. Remember, essays were meant to be revised which is why you should start writing it early during your college application :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Clothes that employees should wear in their office. [2]

Ibrahim, you have really impressed me with the way that you developed this essay. Your thought process shows a clarity and clear understanding of the prompt. Allowing you to develop a coherent discussion based upon logic and common sense that most readers will easily understand and relate to. So in terms of delivering your opinion and an in-depth discussion of the essay, you certainly did a very good job. Now, I found some portions that can be revised in order to create an even better essay. I hope you won't me pointing those out below :-)

This essay will talk about clothes that employees should wear in their office. Some bosses want their staff to dress formally. On the other hand WHILE, other organizations say job performances are more important rather than what are employees wearing . I argue that both appearance and work skills are equally important for the organization's existence.

Undergraduate / UPENN undergrad application. Prompt: Exploring intellectual and academic interested at UPenn [5]

Annabelle, your gut feeling about your essay was right. It did not respond in the correct manner to the prompt. Your first half was not even relevant nor connected to the prompt that was provided. In fact, the first half was so irrelevant that I believe that an admissions officer will not even reach the second paragraph of your essay before moving on the next applicant in his list. There is an imperative need for you to revise this essay.

Being an incoming freshman, you have some idea as to what or where your intellectual inclinations lie. So this is what I would like you to do, open a word program and create two columns. In one column, I want you to list down your intellectual interest and in the other column, list down the library, department, professor, extra curricular program, or anything related to the university that has a direct link to your academic interest. After you have come up with your list, pick the intellectual interests from it that you feel will be best addressed by the intellectual and academic environment of UPenn.

Now, open a different sheet and start drafting your essay. Discuss the items in your list in such a manner that you will properly reflect the intellectual and academic interests that you can pursue at the university. Make sure that the topics you discuss have a direct tie-in with your chosen major. You need to relate all of these because you are being asked to discuss these in relation to the undergraduate department you are applying to. So your chosen subjects and related academic activities should clearly indicate the possible growth that you will have as a student at UPenn based upon these interests.

While you have 400-650 words allotted for this essay, you don't have to max it out. When you run out of things to say, end the essay. For this type of prompt, you should be all set to edit your essay when you hit 500 words. If you try to just fill out the word count, the information you present may become useless and just ruin the possibly good quality essay that you have already developed. We can help you polish wha tyou have written as long as you stick to and present the proper prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Which One is More Essential, Appearance or Quality of Work? [5]

Masdar, I am hugely impressed by the way you wrote this essay. You were analytical and offered an insight into the debate that shows a familiarity with the topic. I am guessing that you work in an occupation that requires your dress up which is why this essay is so informative. It manages to present a balanced discussion that is only marred by the slight grammar errors that exist in the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: The Smart Dress Is Not The Only One Factor Which Indicate The Quality of Employees Job [2]

Devi, when you are asked to give your opinion in an essay, you should make sure to include that opinion within the opening paragraph. You did not do that in that case so when you started discussing your opinion in the essay, it came as a shock to me. I was not prepared to read your opinion within the paper. Remember that the overview paragraph should contain a shortened version pf the discussion that is to follow. So always make sure that this paragraph in particular is complete.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Nel, is that the outline that you presented to me? If it is, then you don't have the right idea behind an outline. Try to look up "How To Write a Basic Outline for a Comparative Essay" in Google. That should help get your format on the right track. By the way, are you writing this in MLA or APA format? I need to know which format you are using so that I can further assist you with the correct formatting of the paper.

When you finally discuss the content of the essya in the narrative form, don't forget to present the comparison at the end of every topic that you discuss. That is how a compare and contrast essay is actually written. The correct format would be:

1. Company 1
2. Company 2
3. Comparison of strong and weak points

Have you tried to ask your writing counselor or professor for some ideas as to how to proceed with the essay based upon what you have developed with regards to information so far? They should be in a better position to advice you regarding how to approach the other parts of the paper since they work for the university and know what the specific requirements of some professors are. They should also be able to help you better develop your argument within the sections of your paper. I can only help you edit and revise your essay as you complete the work.

Scholarship / Describe and evaluate one experience that significantly influenced your academic interests. [5]

Samantha, the essay would have been helped if you were able to present the paper that you presented to the group. If you feel that your paper did not influence you when it came to choosing your academic interests, then you should just take the reference to that paper out of the opening statement. Be sure to just present information that is relevant to the prompt requirements.

When you speak of your academic interests, try to mention some specific subjects that you believe will influence you the most. The reason you have to do that is because the essay is asking you to explain why you think your goals will be helped by these particular academic interests. You have presented a general discussion in those terms which, although keeping your word count down, does not really reflect the influence that your experience, goals, and academic interests relate to one another.

If you are wondering how you can do that, I have a suggestion that should help. Revise your opening statement. Right now, it talks too much about your observations of the events at the conference. Just keep your discussion in that part simple, concentrating ont he part that had the most impact on you instead. Shortening that portion should leave you with enough word allotment to further develop the ideas I have presented. I believe that this will be one of the best ways to further improve your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1: The percentage of happiness ratings of married and unmarried people in the US [3]

Hi Nofri, please note the corrections to the grammar in your essay. Your work is really getting better and I do not doubt that with enough practice, your grammar mistakes will also be lessened. Keep up the good work :-)

A survey of married and unmarried people and how children affect the cheer JOY of married couples in the US is presented in the two bar charts. Overall, it can be seen that married people feel happier than unmarried people. Patently, m Most of them can be happier since they have youngsters, especially children aged under 18.

First, a highest of rating exists for married people aged 18-29 at 45 percent. There is a similar number of married people aged 30-49 , WHILE and THOSE aged 65 and over is ARE at 44 percent, while THERE IS a small difference of percentage at 40 percent of married people aged 50-64. On the other hand, u Unmarried people aged 65 and over seems happiest at 34 percent among others, which the REPRESENTED BY THE unmarried people in FROM the age of 30 to 49 is at 22 percent and the similar percentage of unmarried between people aged 18-29 and aged 50-64 is at 21 percent.

Turning to ecstasy ratings for married couples who have children. Parents' children aged under 18 do not show a distant difference of percentage for parents without children, it is only one percent to indicate their felicity HAPPINESS. Then, there is the lowest percentage of parents who have children aged 18+ only at ONLY 41 percent.

Undergraduate / I thought she was DEAD - [UC Prompt 2] [14]

Hi Tonya, let me help you polish your additional information and paragraphs. By the way, optimism is always a good point to end your essay on. It is something that shows you have learned how to use the negatives in your life in such a manner that you came out of it as an updated version of yourself :-)

After what seemed like a lifetime, my mother was discharged from the hospital - a resurrection from the dead. Although I didn't actually lose my mom, what happened to her helped me to finally understand the deepest meaning of grief and inherently, the value of life. Despite the trauma, her absence served as an opening for me to climb out of childhood; I gained unimaginable resilience, gratitude, and maturity. The shock of my mother's attempted suicide awoke an sense of empathy within me, for the world and for those around me - particularly my parents. I thought my mother was immune to the throes of life but I've realized that even the strongest of pillars may need reinforcement. In her weakest moment, I had to be an additional pillar of strength for her and my family. Between the cracks of my family's momentary brokenness, I found a strength that I never could have fathomed before. For this, I am forever grateful to my mom's life altering action.

I can't control the spontaneity of life, but can determine how I think, feel, and react to it. At times my life has been demoralizing, but ironically, it's led me to become an optimist. I face obstacles with alacrity, knowing that adversity can provide me with the foundation to thrive in the midst of despair . I choose to be an optimist in life , having come to learn from my life experiences that a change in perspective is all it takes to learn, grow, and thrive within the harshest of conditions. I've recognized that I, too, can be a pillar of strength.

Undergraduate / Studying abroad had enabled my to take in and learn about new cultures - Topic A) answer [4]

Jose, your essay portrays a good narrative of how you got along with your teammates. It shows the kind of camaraderie that can only be found in sports teams. It is admirable that you got along so well with them. However, the prompt is asking you to consider a time when you actually had realistic differences with your peers. So your soccer team experience does not really fulfill all the requirements of the prompt.

Try to think of a time when you first arrived in Tennessee when people looked at you differently, treated you differently, or just plain made you feel one of two things; either uncomfortable or unwanted. The idea behind the prompt is to discuss a time when you experienced some sort of discrimination in your life. Discrimination is depicted within differing beliefs or life experiences. This is what makes people treat you differently or brings you into the middle of an argument. This is the scenario that you should present in your narrative.

After you narrate the experience, you should proceed to explain how you either changed your beliefs or traits as a person in order to get along with other people. In other words, explain how you learned to meet them halfway or, discuss how you still remained the same person with the same beliefs then explain why it happened that way.

Your essay is good, it just does not provide the correct response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Computers and Me - computer science, mathematics, programming languages, the Linux terminal - for UC [5]

Rene, I have to be honest here and tell you that there is no real connection between the prompt and what you related in your essay. This is basically a personal statement since it tells the foundation of your love for computers. It does not explain the influences in your life that has helped you become the person you are today. In other words, the computer fascination that you had did not in any way, depict the character development that should normally accompany the response to this type of prompt.

It would be in the best interest of your essay to try and choose another world to discuss in this relation to the expectations of the statement instructions. From what I gather, you do not come from a privileged background and yet you were able to improve yourself as a person using the facilities available to you. My suggestion is that you remove the reference to computers in the essay and instead, focus on how your world was not exactly conducive to learning and yet, you managed to shape your dreams and aspirations based upon it. Don't discuss the development of your interest in computers at the library. That should be discussed in a separate and more relevant prompt.

Speak in more generalized terms of the way your environment influenced who you have become. Mention the lessons that you learned growing up in a financially challenged household. The mention of the local library as your haven is one part of this essay that I strongly suggest you retain in your rewrite. Try to depict your world in such a way that the reviewer will be able to imagine the kind of individual you became because of these experiences.

Undergraduate / Interest in Computer Science - UIUC Undergrad Essay [8]

Hi Fahad, I edited the content of your essay online just so it would become more streamlined, offer more information regarding the development of your interest, and focus the essay on your future as a computer scientist. Here is what I came up with for you:

Right from my early days at school I was drawn towards the mathematical world. From algebra to permutations and combinations to just sitting around and solving mathematical problems, the world of numbers and logic has always fascinated me. As I I got older and my thoughts turned to my college studies, I found myself thinking of where I can apply my passion for numbers. One field clearly stood out - Computer Science.

I was first introduced to computers when I was 10 years old. My primary school their students, including me, the programming language Logo. It was basically a triangular shape called a "turtle" that we had full control over. Simple commands like "fd10" would make the turtle move 10 units forward in a straight line. Later, my dad bought me a computer of my own on which I spend hours playing video games. I was fascinated by the beautiful graphics and design that went into making the game that currently held mu attention for hours on end. Along with my fascination, I found myself wishing to know the inner workings of the games. This interest led to my introduction to the more advanced computer languages which helped create these games. I started with learning HTML and quickly graduated to Java.

People would approach me looking for answers to their computer programming problems, I felt honored that they valued my opinion. As the word got out that I was good at creating computer websites and images, people started approaching me for freelancing work. I designed websites for several neighborhood businesses , helping them grow their business. It gave me immense satisfaction to see that my passion for programming not only helped me make some pocket money and learn, but also helped the community.

At UIUC I want to major in Artificial Intelligence, with a minor concentration on computer vision, object recognition, spatial understanding and scene interpretation. I believe that with several companies working on driver-less cars, the technology would be ready to go mainstream by the time I graduate and having advanced and thorough knowledge in this field will help me in contributing more towards the advancement of the technology.

You can use this essay as it is. I already made it perfect enough for you to use with your application packet :-)

Writing Feedback / Cambridge CAE exam Writing [2]

Samuel, when you write an academic essay, you should totally avoid using exclamation points for any reason. You do not want to be perceived as having shouted at your tutor. Revise all of the parts of this essay that uses an exclamation point. As for the discussion, I found some points questionable and I hope to bring your attention to certain statements that you made.

When you use the quote "Like father, like son", I don't think you realize that the quote can work both ways. You are discussing the idiom in the context of a criminal father eventually raising a criminal child, am I right? Don't do that. The phrase is meant to usually carry a positive note indicating that the child will usually follow in the footsteps of the father, who is normally a highly successful person, who also happens to share some traits with his then teenage son. The argument you presented is solid, just drop the use of the quote. The quote is what makes your argument flawed.

When you discuss the "lack of opportunities", you should look at your surroundings and try to present examples of how this situation exists and how it affects the teenagers in the documentary or in your real life. Your discussion of this topic is not really strong and requires some extra work. Now, due to the fact that your essay is well written to a certain degree and also discusses your reasons with some shallow supporting statements, personally, I would give this essay a 10. I based the score on the way your discussion went and how much work was needed to fix it. Consider my comments above as a part of your grading sheet in my eyes.

Essays / Individual essay - compare and contrast the entrepreneurial journey [16]

Nel, the firs tthing that you have to do is create an outline of discussion points for your essay. Since you know what topic you should be discussing in the research paper, you should be able to create the correct discussion outline for it. You can start with the following ( as a general template to follow):

1. Overview or objective of your research
2. Background of the owner (covering his personal life and education)
3. The idea behind his business
4. His success story
5. Future outlook for his business
6. Segue into the same discussion for his competitor in contrast or comparison to the first person.

Why don't you try to make your outline and then post it here so we can review your outline and give you some suggestions as to how to improve it. We can't really offer you any more concrete and usable advice until you are able to provide us with more concrete examples or a solid basis for your research. As of now, this is as far as we can go in terms of advising you about how to start your paper.