Undergraduate / 'Project WORTHY'. I need to cut some of this UIUC essay down, can you help? [9]

...and how fast I would learn. ----> right here, it would be great to list several fascinating things you learned.

I get confused by the sentence about an interview at Northrop Grumman. I think you should just omit that, so that the list of fascinating things follows the claim you made about learning fast.

Okay, I think you should do a paragraph break right before this:
This past summer, I was the student lead ...

and let that be the first sentence of the last paragraph. Let the last paragraph be all about your specific goals for the near future. What are the intellectual, professional things you cannot wait to do? Let that last paragraph express your passion and clear intentions.

Essays / How to write an Essay Proposal? [2]

Well, if your class requires you to write this proposal, probably a rubric is provided with grading criteria... right? The important thing is to tailor it to the guidelines they give you.

However, if this is for a research paper, you should propose research questions to answer -- prhaps through a review of literature.

You should propose questions, and spend some time telling why it is important to answer them. Then, tell what methods you will use. What are you writing an essay about?

Undergraduate / UF Admissions Essay- continuity and grammar questions.. [4]

Excellent! By the end of my high school career I will have gone to three entirely different schools in three distinct cities throughout South Florida cities . My experiences have thrust me out of my typical suburban life, enabling me to meet people from all socioeconomic backgrounds.

I was astounded by how thoroughly different I was from my fully African-American peers.

I like to cut out adverbs; they almost always do more harm than good.

Undergraduate / "what to gain from diversity"-UM prompt 2 [3]

I think a lot of people would agree that those first sentences are not necessary. But... I really like them, because they must be refreshing to the reader. You actually sympathize with the reader, and that is something that I think can win them over and impress them.

I wouldn't say diversity is our challenge, but rather, it is our blessing.

Essays / Meaingful interest- UM prompt #5 [3]

This is an idea I had:

Off in the distance, the world around me seemed to have stopped. What seemed to be...

Good, I think you could talk a little more about how that same determination can be used to become an expert in your chosen field. Running is meditative. It will be better if you give more details; what events have you run? What is the relationship of this aspect of your personality to the aspect that wants to pursue your chosen field?

Undergraduate / "a helping hand" college essay [10]

You know, I think you can achieve the same effect without being so hard on yourself at the start. You do not have to say you actually thought those things. You could just say you were not giving consideration to the suffering of others. Many of us can relate to that.

So, I wonder if you could revise it to keep the revelation, but go easy on yourself.

Undergraduate / My Cello - playing on it is my most challenging, but most rewarding personal activity. [3]

Playing the cello is my most challenging, but most rewarding personal activity. Sometimes, I practice anywhere from thirty minutes to cello three hours a day, not only because I want to improve...

Say it like it is! be powerful. :-) I think you should include one sentence about an experience of audacious self-expression as an artist. Something that happened when the music overwhelmed you.

Undergraduate / World of knowledge, digital art [4]

Sorry I did not get here in time to help. I think you should not, in the future, use the word pastime. Do not use "hobby" either. Use the word "passion."

Great sentence -----> ...combining so many disparate elements into a cohesive, beautiful whole is a thrill I, cannot imagine getting any other way.

When I was growing up, My parents were huge...

Nice! This is great, and your idea for the ending sounds right... but also add one extra idea, an implication to consider.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay about Tennis help [4]

Yes, 150 words is hard. But wouldn't it be cool if they asked you to do it in 7 words... or 1 word? It is a cool challenge.

You know what I notice so often? When I write, I write a lot of weak stuff at the start, but then I get to something that would make a good first sentence. I think you should cut out everything before: At first, I had no...

That is the first interesting sentence! Isn't it strange that it works that way? We need to intrigue the reader... the details only matter if they make a feeling or image arise for the reader.

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Do you know how to make a Works Cited list in MLA?

Undergraduate / Bringing attributes of Determination and time management to UF [2]

Oh, this part is very good!! ----> As the youngest child, I had the advantage...

I think you should cut out the sentences that come before it, though! They do not help. Start with that interesting thought. And then prove it with some examples of learning from their mistakes and examples.

Nope, it is not difficult to balance school and baseball. that is what part of the essay makes me think. It sounds like a great life, school and baseball. I think you should talk about specific work you want to do, subjects you cannot get enough of. Impress the reader with your ideas.

I think this is great as a way of brainstorming how you perceive your life, but now write something for the reader -- a real narrative that draws the reader into the story... clear examples, and words that make us see images. I look forward to the next draft!

Undergraduate / Two Statements - life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments [2]

Write a sentence about what you were doing instead of focusing on school. If you were passionate about something different, that is okay. Everyone knows school is not everything.

Bill Gates was a dropout, I heard. Dropouts are often geniuses. But it is because they have passions. So, talk more about your passion... pol sci?? No more slacking in school if you are going to become one of out policy-makers! In fact... you must omit the part about getting poor grades. People feel too strongly about politicians...

I don't want them to feel biased against you. Get rid of that part where you present yourself as a slacker, and talk about how you walked through the halls of high school reading classics by Cicero instead of what you were supposed to be reading. Tell them about your involvement in activism, your passion for using technology and good intentions to improve the world.

Specific examples! Both of these essays need specific examples. Show, don't tell. Don't talk in generalities, but instead give clear ideas, creative solutions to problems. Impress them by already being frustrated by a sense of obligation, like you have so much you want to do. And list the things you want to do.

Undergraduate / Common Application Volleyball essay; My family is notoriously terrible at sports [4]

In the last paragraphs, reflect on experiencing moments of extreme focus, meditative, similar to your other passion, which is your reason for choosing the major you chose.

That is what I would do... connect it to your clar intentions. The most important thing is your purpose, and your purpose here is to show them that you have resolved to make your future a certain way. You have specific things you want to do -- that is what that crucial moment of focus is all about.

That is my idea, but maybe you thought of a better one by now.

Undergraduate / 'Immigrant to the United States'; I did my best to avoid alienating from my American peers [5]

Don't end with that "good tings come in small packages," because it weakens your essay. Your essay is very powerful, so I don't want it to be watered down by a cliche. Also, I think you should not use "etc." but instead:

...around my head was done with a purpose that was personal, and not patriarchal.

That would be an impressive way to say it, if that is part of what you are saying. I am so impressed by this; it really reflects a process of transformation, and growing wisdom. Your wisdom shows when you observe that the wearing of it caused you to have to become an expert. You seem so introspective! How about a great new sentence for the ending, and send it off confidently.

Writing Feedback / The View out my Widndow and what it means [2]

If you want to talk about meandering, use commas:

As I meander into the kitchen, I glance through a frosted window at the mountains. ----> sounds like you lived in a nice place.

This is really creative; I wonder if you live in a place where your view from the window is of a path to the street, or roads on which you travel to these things. It would be a nice effect, for the essay, if your scene outside the window included part of the road you run on or drive on. Is that the case? You could strengthen this by giving details of the scene so that the reader can have an experience, and if part of your day is in their experience, they'll be experiencing part of you in their day. Can you use details to draw them more into that window scene?

Undergraduate / Diversity Essay-Illustrating the value of diversity in my life. [3]

In the beginning, I think it is impressive that you talk about globalization as something that makes out fates become more "interconnected."

I think, it the beginning it might be interesting to compare the world with a brain developing a more sophisticated network of neural pathways. That is just something your essay made me think of.

Maybe you could connect the end with the beginning even more strongly. Write a sentence with the word "globalization" in it. These are just ideas... your writing is already very good.

Write twenty instead of 20

Wow, great last sentence.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Choose your own topic: Poker as a conceit to life [2]

I think it might be more powerful without putting " " marks around "play a hand."

"His heart pounds faster, harder." ---> That is a pretty cool sentence.

This is some good writing. I think it's an interesting choice... I wonder, though, if it might not be better to use the story as a metaphor for something. How about less gambling action and more metaphor. You are obviously a great writer, so I don't hesitate to challenge you to rewrite this with you in the spotlight. Let this highlight what you intend to do. When you have inspiration, write it an intro...

Essays / What is the Expository Paper? [3]

A descriptive essay is one kind of expository essay. Look at expository essay on wikipedia, and it explains everything.

:)

Great question!! (And that is a great username, too)

Essays / Sum up of all the facts: Conclusion help? [4]

Hi there.

That is funny that they want you to answer, "no," "a bit," or "yes." How weird.

In academic writing, sometimes you have to refer to yourself in the third person: The author believes... or, The researcher concludes...

But here, you can write it like this:

In conclusion, one might reasonably agree that...
Therefore, the position taken in this paper is that it is alright to agree a bit with the statement that...

Essays / Applying for the University of Miami... My essay is over the word limit--- what do I do? [8]

Yes, it is good to meet their challenge and get it under the limit. Sometimes you can get rid of an adjective that you think is important, and you'll see that it is better without it!

Imagine, writing in the fewest words possible... like the way a very wise person talks.

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

Semi-colons!!! :-)

Imagine finding the love of your life, your soul mate. Imagine getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see him or her -- life feeling complete whenever you are around them and be willing to give everything for them; being happier than you have ever been in your life; wanting to share your life with them forever through sickness and in health; wanting to pronounce your love through marriage; your own government banning you from pronouncing your love through marriage. Imagine not being allowed to get married, start a family and receive the same treatment and benefits all other couples receive, all because you are in love with someone the same sex as you.

(new paragraph)

The United States is...

Essays / "culture shock" - my first question [4]

Your thesis statement should be an important idea, the main reason for writing the essay.

When students write essays, it is to get a grade, but when adults write essays it is because they want to make a special point. Imagine no teacher is telling you to do anything, and you just want to write an essay to explain this important idea.

So, what is your idea? Do you want to tell people a list of strategies for dealing with culture shock? If so, your thesis statement should tell about the list. Put the thesis statement in the 1st paragraph.

Undergraduate / Basketball has become an indispensable part of my life - Common app short essay [7]

I love the game because, when I play with my friends, or sometimes just alone, I feel very comfortable and focused .

This is great! Indispensable is a good word.

...having fun when playing is far more important than... Don't use this sentence; it is a cliche. Know what I mean? Everyone says that. Can you tell the reader something about basketball that makes her or him appreciate basketball in a new way? Basketball reminds me of Zen Archery; maybe you see some meditation in basketball? Add something to make your essay unique!

Writing Feedback / My friend recommended me to read "The Great Blue Yonder" [2]

This is so good! However, you seem to be using yonder incorrectly. Google it. I think it refers to what is "out there" and not something to cross. I don't think you can cross a yonder.

Comma:
...call home, but I...

I really like it, and if you have any inspiration left, you can assuage your worries by making it into an essay about business. Be creative. How is being there for your family connected to your aspirations in business. Tell a little about what is yonder for you!!!!

:)

Undergraduate / Tug of War - Evaluate a Significant Risk-Macaulay Honors Essay [4]

...surgeon, and he will bring honor back to Ghana and Africa.

Wow, the biblical opening and first sentence are so great. I don't think I have anything to teach you about writing; you taught me.

This sentence should be the last of the 3rd paragraph, not the 1st sentence of the last paragraph:

The other road projects my own aspirations.

Also, I think it should be different:

The other road leads toward the fulfillment of my own aspirations. ----> ...because a road does not really project anything; it leads to something.

Graduate / SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management [9]

I am a Senior at Tongji University in Shanghai, and I am applying for admission to the Construction Management Masters Degree Program at the University of XXX.

That is how I would do it. I think you should write another sentence in the first paragraph: Tell the reader -- in a single sentence -- what you hope to do with your life.

That will get them hooked, and they will be interested in the "back story" that comes next.

Hey, I have a suggestion, but only take it if it suits your writing style. I think it is not necessary to give all the details... like you said, it's too wordy. I suggest you use bullet points in the middle of this essay, and list all these learning experiences.

You write very clearly, very impressive accomplishments.

Undergraduate / Why did you chose this major?--Bucknell supp [3]

...the relation between nature, science and humanity .

I don't think the problem is that it is too direct, though I see where Matt is coming from. I think it is too simplistic. How about if you use the Internet to find some articles (Google Scholar) and read a lot about environmental engineering.

Take a half hour or so to become an expert about what environmental engineers are doing today. Write about what they are working on. You must do the research and become an expert. College research writing starts now! :-)

Undergraduate / the hardships caused by wars - my supplemental essay! [4]

Nice job! I think you should add a sentence to the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that uses the word vitality. For example, you might say specifically how you will attend to the vitality of the atmosphere.

Name some of those community programs, so they know you researched the clubs that exist there. What new club might you start?

Be eccentric! :))))

Undergraduate / UM - Ann Arbor Undergraduate Admissions Essays [4]

...two years, but it was not until this year that I finally gained insight that was truly meaningful -- insight into more than just...

Good use of humor in that first paragraph. However, if you do not say something powerful at the end of your first paragraph the whole essay is weakened. Look at the moral of the story, just like as if this was one of Aesop's Fables, and add a powerful sentence to the end of that 1st paragraph It's too short; it should tell the main idea.

Undergraduate / My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria [4]

Thanks, Janson, for making a great contribution here!

Writing Feedback / My struggle with English Usage and Structure and conventions - Mandatory Education [6]

The growing importance of computers in our...

The trend does not grow, their importance grows.

If you want people to critique this, go give some ideas to others and ask them to do the same for you.

In the first paragraph, maybe you should say: In this essay, I will discuss (and then list the points you will make.

I think you should write a paragraph about how even more use of computers should be taking place in the classroom, because students will be entering the hi-tech world of 2015 and beyond. Things are changing fast, and education without computers is no longer able to be considered education.

You write well, but get it organized. Grab the attention with the first sentence, tell what the essay will include, use a paragraph for each point (you are doing this already), and then conclude with some final thoughts.

Essays / Mary Kay Cosmetics - Thesis Help [4]

Oh, I hope it is going well for you. You must be in class right now (Tuesday) presenting whatever you came up with.

The trick is to use Mary Kay as an example to explain all the principles from class. How did you do?

Undergraduate / Rice "Why this college" motivation essay [3]

...program and strong reputation for providing quality education.

Another thing that attracted me to Rice was its relatively small size , because it gives me the opportunity for a more personal approach with my professors. which will help me study more efficiently.

I think that when you talk about how the curriculum and labs are integrated, you should talk about specific areas of interest -- experiments and lessons you are excited about!

Undergraduate / The locket. Last words my sister said to me at the airport [4]

...inside the small bag. Then I said, "I'll wait till I reach America."

On that day when I went to sleep, I put it under my pillow, and since...

This is excellent! Seriously. It is short and simple, but it achieves something that other narratives do not. You created a real experience for me as I read this. Good luck, I feel enthusiastic about your future as a master of language.

Undergraduate / Conduct Explaination- UF [4]

Yes, college is big business, and you stand a good chance despite these issues.

I suggest rewriting this as an essay about an experience you learned from. For example, how about a short narrative that tells the story. Do not say you drank as a cry for help, because it sounds like an excuse. Tell this like the story it is, and remember, a lot of us hae done things that were way worse.

Instead of using the word "larceny," tell the story. A story can win people over, but labels just make them judge you.

Essays / "Participation rights of children" - it's difficult to get my essay started! [2]

Oh, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I hope you are doing well with it. The trick is to drink enough coffee to get really interested in one of the articles you gathered. Any one that inspires you. When you get interested in a particular concept, write a sentence.

That sentence wil be the seed that grows into a paragraph.

Repeat that process for every article! I hope you got some momentum and did well

Letters / I've been in my field for about 15 years ; PhD Cover letter for Irish Uni? [2]

Hello!
Please post that CV only if it does not appear anywhere else on the Internet.

Sounds like you have a fascinating life right now!

I think you should google: graduate school statement of purpose samples

...and really enjoy reading them, with all their different styles. Find a style that inspires you.

I think the most important thing is to show them that you have very detailed plans for what kind of things you want to accomplish, and that you're very serious about your work. Use reference to your publications to explain what you are all about, and let them share your crystal clear vision for the future.

We're here to help!

Grammar, Usage / Active voice or Passive voice? Need clarification [4]

You got it. Can you feel how much more powerful it is? Instead of, Kevin was killed by a man with a hammer, you write, "A man killed Kevin with a hammer!"

It is so much more assertive...

Undergraduate / Putting my thoughts on paper; UT austin Statement of Purpose [7]

As I sit, p Putting my thoughts to paper, I realize that...

Okay, how about three paragraphs. First explains your desire to be a chemical engineer and also tells specifically what kind of work you would like to do.

Second paragraph talks about scientists you admire, articles you have recently read, and your opinions.

Third repeats something from the first paragraph, and gives one extra thought about the meaningfulness of chem. engineering.

Give them three good paragraphs based on one central idea.

Writing Feedback / 45 min CLEP essay: "Should acts of hate be criminalized?" [3]

Use a colon after "reasons," because a colon means "more to come"

No need to write "lastly" in the intro.

Currently, the gay issue of gay rights is one example: some people approve of it, while others detest gay lifestyles. Just because one does not agree with an opinion and decides to ...

Nice job!! It is very clear, and the intro explains exactly what each paragraph will discuss. At the end, you should go one step further and draw a conclusion about human society.