Writing Feedback / Paragraph Elements [4]

We had been camping in North Carolina, and while exploring its mountain range I then found a piece of paradise -- just over the state line. The lake is located at an elevation above 1,800 feet, which is encircled by mountains; therefore pollutants from runoff are less likely to poison its crystal blue waters.

Above, do you see how I make the sentences more manageable by adding the dash and semi-colon?

Although hiking is one of my favorite activities, waking up at our campsite on the lake, within a few feet of the boat, feels like heaven on earth.

Lake Watauga has become part of our family's DNA (choose a different word, because the use of "DNA" here reveals a misunderstanding of the nature of DNA! :)

You know, your writing will be great as soon as you get over your fear of ending sentences! I see the same problem over and over. Double-dribble; run-on sentences. Type "run on sentence" into google and see some examples. It is your only writing problem! After that, you will be all set! :) See what I mean, here:

At 4:00 am most people would have been happy to just roll over and go back to bed, but not Ronny Walker. He had a mission, and his office was a well maintained white and red milk truck.

Writing Feedback / 'manned spaceflight and education' - CLEP TEST ESSAY [3]

Your son is also known as "teacher" to you now? That is cool! Cool for him, too.

We sometimes take things for granted, but gravity should not be one of them -- that is, unless you are aboard the space shuttle, traveling at 18,000 miles an hour in the Earth 's orbit!

The way you originally had this sentence (above), it was a "run-on" sentence, because you did not include a conjunction. So, I added a conjunction: the word "but." The conjunction fixed it.

If you want to get very good at this stuff, read Strunk and White's Elements of Style. It is a tiny book with big information.

Now, the same problem occurs here: Once I entered NASA orientation, my studies began in earnest, because I had been chosen to fly aboard the next shuttle mission. For This education was to be truly interactive.

Above, it was a run-on sentence until I added the word "because." "Because is not a conjunction, but it does prevent the sentence from being a run-on sentence. And THEN I put a period after the word "mission" in order to make the long sentence more manageable.

A run-on sentence is like a double-dribble in basketball...

That last sentence of the first paragraph is great.

You will really enjoy Stephen King's book called On Writing. I recommend it to everyone.

High school candidates for this flight were chosen based on essays that they wrote and addressed to...

Their goal was to promote education and manned spaceflight, and also to introduce students to science-focused mentoring programs. It will be interesting to evaluate the impact of this combination of education programs and the space exploration.

Seems irresponsible to do this just a few years after the Challenger tragedy! I wouldn't let my kid do it! :)

Let's see some more writing samples! Good luck! :)

Research Papers / Global Warming - need to come up with a question for my research paper [12]

how global warming affects Seattle's...

("Effect" is a noun, and "affect" is a verb.)

Well... it is difficult to say how global warming affects Seattle, specifically. Some people do not even think Global warming is real. Others do not think humans are causing it. Still other people point out that a warming of the globe is not going to have negative effects in all places.

If you want to write about Seattle, I think you might want to consider making the paper about the CAUSES of harmful emissions that lead to global warming. Can you write about causes of emissions in Seattle rather than the way Seattle is affected?

If you can, it would be good to organize the paper around the causes of emissions: cars, aircraft, industrial pollution... you can have a section for each. Does that help?

Essays / Research paper and topic on six sigma [7]

That's great info Peter. Ketan, it will be good if you try writing some material and post it for our corrections. We can't do your work FOR you. We're only here to help IMPROVE your work..

:)

Writing Feedback / Need your corrections for agumentative paragraph ("my supervisor") [4]

I think you could get that topic and three supporting details by doing a well-places paragraph break:

para #1
My supervisor shows a great deal of favoritism to one of the employee at my workplace who appears to be treated ... late too without any punishment.

para #2
It all started when the company hired a new employee who used to work with our supervisor at his last employer and assigned her to the same position as me. My supervisor allowed the new coworker to have weekends off ...

para #3 I also feel that I did most of the work ...

para #4 One day, I came to work 10 minutes late, and ...

Para #5 write a conclusion in which you reflect on the three supporting points in paragraphs 2-4.

Does that help? :)

Undergraduate / Statement Of Purpose for Imperial university U.K. [2]

...to provide me and my brother with good educations .

Well, to improve it you need to give it an intro paragraph that tells the main theme. You have a VERY powerful theme of overcoming adversity and transforming your father's sacrifice, your mother's hard work, your own hard work -- into success that will benefit others. After the loss of your father, your mother provided you with opportunities despite her difficulties. You, in turn, determined to, "educate and bring up the underprivileged children whose dreams and lives often succumb to misery with most of them being forced to take up beggary." This is wonderful.

Now, express that in an intro paragraph. Le the first paragraph (above) become paragraph 2. This is going to be a great essay. At the end, on the conclusion paragraph, reflect on the idea of your mother's hard work benefiting you and your hard work benefiting the underprivileged of the world.

Undergraduate / Essay about my self: Introducing Yourself to Your Instructor [6]

I'll give my ideas to help, along with Eric's ideas.

Here is an idea for this sentence: I spent my first 16 years of life in this city, which is famous for both its temples and its textile mills.

...watching television, and going to temple at the night time .

Growing up as a child and until While growing up, and even now, it has been my and my parents' dream that I would become a Doctor or an Engineer.

Some of my achievements are bigger than the others, but they all have given me great satisfaction.

Very impressive!! Good luck. :)

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay (Lithium based batteries>Nickel based batteries) [33]

Yeah, sometimes it can be hard to make sense of the reasons teachers take points off. But the thing I would refer you to is the rubric, the grading criteria originally provided. Did she provide one? When points are deducted, it is good to refer to the rubric!

Undergraduate / BA in gaming, how to start a paragraph? [3]

The opening paragraph should be a psychological attack on the senses; it should surprise the reader with something unexpected, interesting. What could I say to you that would intrigue you? What could I say to you if you were an admissions officer? How do you bridge the gap between the reader's state of mind and your essay. How do you win the reader over?

I think the way to win the reader's heart is to entertain him or her for a moment. Make the person feel good with your opening line. A surprise is always nice. Your job is to write an essay in which you say something meaningful about why this major, why this school -- and then go back and write an intro that brilliantly introduces that theme.

HINT: write the body and conclusion, and THEN go back and write the intro. The first line in the essay should sometimes be the last line written.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

He was a sufferer of asthma (or) He was an asthma patient, and sometimes his asthma attacks were so severe that he would sit up in bed for hours, shoulders humped, and breathe with a painful and laboured sound. sometimes for hours.

Hyphen: engineering-oriented

I think these two paragraphs could be combined together, and you don't need to tell the reader to "imagine yourself in that situation" (as if the reader needs to imagine in order to relate. Maybe the reader has indeed experienced something similar.) Like this, as one paragraph:

With someone who has experienced something similar, this might resonate well. It is a little like ... come naturally. But anyone can imagine himself in that situation and...

The first sentence of the last para is a fragment, which I'll leave to you to fix, and the last sentence is a run-on sentence, which can be fixed with a semi-colon:

whatever it was; he was a kindly man and...

Again here:

But I had a sense of abandon; I wished...

Telling the reader to imagine the situation can be a little oppressive. An indirect route, such as commenting that "One can imagine..." might be better.

But nevermind all that; this is great insight and reflection! I only offer ideas for corrction because it will probably be used in your memoirs?

Some excellent phrases and comparisons are made here; I'm glad to have been one of your reviewers for it. The interesting challenges you faced 30 years ago make me curious about what you have been doing more recently. You are quite interesting!

Writing Feedback / What are the differences between life in America and life in Third World nations [14]

Great, they'll be lucky to get your feedback. I had a Spanish teacher once who pointed out how much more beautiful Spanish was than English. She said the most beautiful term in English was "cellar door" because it sounds so fluid and smooth, like Spanish.

Writing Feedback / What are the differences between life in America and life in Third World nations [14]

No no, you are definitely wrong! :) I understand what you mean about how the critique can be discouraging, but that is the MOST important part. The most important help you get is the feedback about what is not so good. As your English improves, you will be able to apply the principles that Sean mentioned. We often give people bad news and tell them their essays are boring or repetitive; it's necessary. I am a writer, so I realize how hard it is to see my own writing from other people's perspectives. In a writing group like this, it's important to be able to have "thick skin", and that means that people can tell you when your writing is not enjoyable. That way, you can fix it. So, don't take it to heart! :)

Graduate / the "technician" - Criticism for my statement of academic objectives. [3]

...all the computer-related ...

...my Industrial Training in the fourth year of...

Although , I was attached...

Unfortunately, I didn't receive much help from my department, but my determination determined to reach my goal compelled me to search for help online, and received supervisory assistance from an Indian Mr. Sauraubh Nandu, who has an outstanding record in software development.

Capitalize all this: Oregon State University

This is impressive, especially the part about seeking help online. You should spend some time with trunk and White's Elements of Style in order to perfect your writing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about violence and violent behavior in the Media [3]

You write very well, with good rhythm. We can make little improvements, like "number agreement" here: At a young age, children 's minds are sponge-like, absorbing everything that surrounds them, which makes them easy targets for manipulation and becoming victimization by the media's constant influence .

Maybe you meant to write "unemotional" here:
Desensitization is a psychological development that has frequently been implicated in explaining viewers' unemotional...

According to anthropology, violence is connected to culture, and the upbringing of the child. (instead, say, "According to [name of anthropologist], [say something specific about research findings])

I also think it would be good to add another sentence to that conclusion paragraph. What do you make of the three different views? Consider the implications in that last paragraph.

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

She is quite a poetic person. Her accent comes from New England. She was offering me some of her mango.

Poetry / "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like..." [6]

Well, the purpose of the forum is not to do your work for you, because that would take all the fun out of it for you! But... I can advise you about how to cut.

Writing is more powerful if you say your message in fewer words. It's efficient. So, cut out wordy parts and say your message quicker:

Through analysis of E.E. The meaning of Cummings's poem "i carry your heart with me," it can be deduced that its meaning is displayed through the use of language as a result of Cummings's employment of various literary techniques and characteristics reflective of the predominantly Romantic poem.

I personally love this poet and this poem in particular. I admire ...

Just cut out everything that is unnecessary. I see that you are only 500 words over the limit. Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Do you support it or not? A mall construction in your neighborhood [6]

A shopping center there will definitely improve the economy of the neighbourhood by creating jobs and...

Let's not forget also about a big advantage: working near by your house saves you gas and time...

With all these advantages come opportunities...

This essay will be improved if you give some attention to the counter-argument. The counter-argument is that the mall will hurt local businesses, create traffic, etc. Can you spend a paragraph to show how the benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

Good luck!!

Research Papers / what's a good and easy research topic for and economics that's 5-7 pages [6]

Here is a link that might help. Sorry I am not very knowledgeable about this subject:

realtor/government_affairs/gapublic/report_real_estate_e conomy_2008

Book Reports / "Scout, a Courage Crammed Volcano" - Essay on Courage in novel To Kill A Mockingbird [5]

Really? I wonder if the prof might appreciate it more than you do! It is so current...well... no, it is true that the metaphor makes curiosity seem bad. Well, it is bad! It kills cats, etc.

Letters / Letter to Director of Financial Aid [7]

business.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Professional_Letter_Samples

Here are some samples. Some of it is a matter of opinion, and of course a hard copy format is different from email. Hard copy is better for your purpose.

Research Papers / Kosovo's independence--government class research paper [4]

This is an excellent essay! I am glad to be able to offer these ideas to improve your writing:

With Kosovo being so often in the news, many ...

From that year until 1999, Serbians discriminated against Albanians based on their...

If a country denies its people the right to self-determination, the people have the right to be separated from that governing state.

Now we see that Kosovo has arguments and facts to present before the International Court of Justice -- most notably, the fact that Kosovo has never been legally part of Serbia.

Graduate / Non-native English speaker: SOP in English [5]

At first I was worried because you said you amended an essay from another site. As you know, we are not allowed to post content that appears on other sites. However, you must have done a very good job of transforming it into a new essay, because I did a Google search for blocks of your text and did not find anything. Also, you did a great job of presenting yourself in a positive light. This essay looks great, and I found no errors until I got to this part:

My work experience in Company Z - yet short but instructive - has given me valuable insights into the environment in which oil and gas companies operate. It has enabled me to observe some of the effective and ineffective ways of running a business in the field of energy. Certain assignments, such as ...

However, some have been demanding, as they required me to have a detailed knowledge in energy and petroleum products.

Don't put spaces around the hyphen: technology-re lated issues

I want to pursue a Masters Degree at the University of XXX for many reasons. I have read a lot about your city and am impressed with the emphasis placed on its importance for the XXX energy market, where I would like to begin my career. Moreover, your long-established and renowned university is one of the rare schools in XXX offering degrees that can combine energy-related subjects and management. Its reputation for excellent teaching and challenging coursework are added attractions. Moreover I know that your...

I am sure this will be received very well! Congratulations.

Writing Feedback / What are the differences between life in America and life in Third World nations [14]

Ha ha, don't be offended by the harsh part of the critique! That is why it's called a "critique"... part of our job is to tell you if the essay GRABS our attention or loses it... and even to tell you if some words make us confused or offended. We just give a reaction to the essay and try to help.

Sean is from Canada, and he wishes he was from America! :)

Now, I wonder what your prof meant when he said it needs more work. He might have meant grammar... like this:

In the Dominican Republic, people hardly ever purchase or use ...

But that in not a bad mistake. You write well in English! Here is another minor mistake:

...earning sometimes with less than a $1.00 per day, with no sick days, no vacation pay, and no overtime pay.

...there will be more differences in the life of the Third world nations.

NOW, the most important thing about what Sean said was that the essay is only saying obvious things. When you write an essay, you should contribute at least one original idea.

You can add an idea to this essay by mentioning it in the intro, body and conclusion? How about an idea about how Americans can spread the wealth so that people in other nations can benefit? How about a idea based on religious convictions or humanitarian efforts?

The conclusion paragraph is very short, and it is because you don't have a unique idea to contribute.

HOWEVER, in the opening paragraph you said something very meaningful about balance being disrupted in the world. Can you expand on that in the conclusion? That might be just what the prof is looking for.

Writing Feedback / Feedback for my essay on Philosophy Paper relating to parfits personal identity [3]

Unlike the de-connecting of hemispheres, and reconnecting them, and then suddenly having the stream on consciousness connect, you would not be...

Use quote marks to refer to statements:

As long as the statement holds that, "I am rematerialized into three individuals down to the last atom (implying that my body and brain are exactly identical)," then I could safely...

This is great; thanks for contributing this cool essay to the forum. You might be able to EXPAND on the conclusion paragraph -- considering ideas and implications. Also consider Sean's thought experiment, which may help you to expand on the conclusion.

Book Reports / How to write a great critique! [3]

If you are trying to improve your grade, I think you should focus only on the teacher's criteria. That means that, instead of seeking advice about what other elements to add to the paper, you should focus deeply on the thesis, diction, style, etc. Show the teacher that you are attending to each concept.

Instead of looking for other concepts to consider, look for a deeper understanding of each concept. For example, Google this: article critique syntax

... and that will show you how to write about syntax. You'll see how other people have critiqued syntax.

While writing the paper, write a paragraph for each concept, and you'll get an A!

Graduate / English as a major, and psychology as a minor;'Letter of Intent'? Masters in English [3]

You start the 1st two sentences with "Having..." so maybe you should change the first one to say:

After assessing a number of...

...become accustomed to first-cl ass tutelage and experienced nothing but...

Having studied various subjects relevant to this course in both 2nd and 3rd year, for instance: ... No more starting sentences with "Having!" :-) And don't list their courses to them. Instead, list the interesting things that are happening right now in the field you've chosen: journalism. Research the different kinds of work you could do as a journalist and make connections with the school. Show that you have a VERY clear plan for the future that involves their specific programs.

Book Reports / "Scout, a Courage Crammed Volcano" - Essay on Courage in novel To Kill A Mockingbird [5]

I think you should reverse the order of two sentences in the first paragraph:

...unexpected acts of courage. Much like a volcano, Scout suddenly erupts spewing courage naturally when provoked -- without anticipation or prediction. Scout is brought forth to act courageous in three instances: each of which involves either, injustice, loss of pride, curiosity. These can be compared to the three ways volcanoes erupt: hotspots, cracks in lithosphere, and converging of plate boundaries.

Great thesis statement! Here is one more idea:

Real courage is when you persist with heartfelt passion; knowing you've already been licked, you continue based on principle.

Dissertations / Ethics and professionalism in computer science:issues of security [3]

I am not very familiar with IT either! However, when you are writing a thesis the idea is to contribute to the field. In order to contribute, you must know what has already been contributed so that you can build on it. What is going on right now in the world of IT Security, specifically with what you mentioned: African varsity.

What is African varsity?

Your job is to add to the efforts of your colleagues. Look at what has been said and done, and deeply understand it. When you do that, you will have no problem coming up with a thesis. It comes naturally when you really enter a field.

Graduate / Chemical Engineering: Statement of purpose for ChemE [2]


This part is a weak start. However, your essay is great! Seriously. It is well-written, and the accomplishments are great. I think you should start this essay by mentioning something specific and meaningful that motivates you to want to study process control and plant design. As a person uninterested in that, I don't know what it is that motivates you. Can you connect it somehow with your philosophical convictions? Your family? Use the first line to introduce your interest in chemical engineering in a way that makes it personal.

I see no errors. You write very well. Now, I think you should peer into the future and see how to add detail about why this course of study is right for your life and why this school is right for this course of study. Write a bit more about your clear vision of success as a student at this school -- and then as a graduate of it. Let the reader see into your future.

Graduate / Performed art is a mirror for human society and the converse - MFA (Acting) Essay [6]


Yes, that implies a broad, general goal, but what I was saying was that if you can gracefully, powerfully add detail to the picture you are painting, it will persuade them. For example, I am impressed by an applicant that seeks an MFA, but I am MORE impressed by an applicant that has a clear, specific dream of teaching theater arts to children in a specific, developing nation so that they can put on performances that will generate monetary wealth and tourism. (tourism is a source of hope for people in poor countries, and theater arts can generate tourism.)

If you have a brilliant vision for the future, you stand out among the applicants.

About your other question, I do think it is alright to use the acronym after the first mention of the school's name.

Good luck!!

Letters / Letter to Director of Financial Aid [7]

I am a 20-year-old single mother, and up until about five months ago I was a recipient of Financial Aid (no comma here) through Vance Granville Community College.

My major was Information System Security, a major I chose because of...

The reasons for the revocation of the funds was due ...

described in a letter from you all the XXXXX Department stating that the credits ...

no commas arounf "also" : I also chose not to continue schooling on hopes of attending VGCC to obtain my degree.

If it is to any constellation I apologize for the selflessness with which I used the system in choosing my courses, but I learned my mistake and attempted and completed three more courses toward my degree.

I appreciate and thank you for this chance for allowing me to write time you spend considering my plight, and the time you spent to read this letter.

I do think you should send this!! Good luck! And explore other opportunities as well; life does have a plan, as you mentioned, so have faith in it!

Undergraduate / "I am among those who think that science has great beauty"; PERSONAL STATEMENT (Pharmacy ) [11]

The way to cut down the word count is to make the paragraphs more solid. That's why I suggested that you should break it up into ideas. For example your second paragraph starts off by talking about wanting to help animals and be on animal planet, but at the end you are talking about your grandfather's dying wishes. Each paragraph should be a SINGLE thought.

Well, a paragraph can involve a few thoughts, but it should have one main thought at its center.

Choose your themes for the paragraphs. Make a decision for each paragraph. When you know a paragraph's theme, make sure the first and last sentence are related. When you find sentences that are about different topics, move them to another paragraph or delete them.

It will be easy to get down within that word count.

Writing Feedback / "How must we change our lifestyles to meet the threat of global warming?" [6]

Okay, well, first you need to say something that someone might argue against. For example, you might say that a higher tax should be imposed on gasoline and the sale of cars that are not electric. People would argue with that! If you say something that is arguable, you can make an interesting essay.

It is very important to state your specific argument in the first paragraph. What is YOUR specific opinion about how to respond to the notion of global warming? Make an argument in the first paragraph,and then give supporting points in each of the following paragraphs. Make each paragraph support the argument from the first paragraph.

Then, in the conclusion, reflect and expand on that argument from the firs paragraph.

Here is a part I think should be changed:

What we need to do is change the way we manufacture vehicles. We are starting by using electric trains, now we need to look at the separate-vehicle type of transport: the car. Enforcing the production of the electric cars, and finding ways to do it at low costs, we can...

Good luck! It's not so hard! :)

Writing Feedback / Detecting Deception Based on Nonverbal Behaviour Cues:a literature review [2]

I don't see any grammar mistakes, but I can tell you're lying by analyzing your sentence structure!

No, just kidding...

Keep it in the present verb tense: When people deliberately attempt to provide misleading information, deception takes place.

It is important to know about deception, especially in sales, relationship, police and military procedures, as it...

...minimize false-positive and false-negative errors to the lowest possibili to the greatest extent possible.

It was hypothesized that if observers could detect ...

Interesting! This is a great subject...

Research Papers / About Research essay Trifles [4]

Here is an article you might be interested in looking at. It will help you to know how to approach your essay, since it covers the same topic.

123helpme/preview.asp?id=16023

When you start your career, if you want to make a good contribution, you'll look at what has been done and then build on it. You can do the same thing with assignments like this. Check out the article above, and other ones like it, and add your own insight.

Good luck!! :)

Book Reports / Two-book comparison essay: White Noise V. Good in Bed- Suggestions and feedback [2]

It's easier when you do the work in the right sequence: your thesis will be refined as you pull out more citations and quotes about these themes: humor, fear of death, qualities embodied by those two characters, etc.

It becomes easy if you are not afraid to change your thesis as you go along. You can sharpen it and make it more specific. You can make a bold assertion!

these two paragraphs you have are great! Now, reread them and skim through one of the stories; pullout a quote or citation; write a blurb about what happens at th start of chapter 2; comment on any new insights you get into the concepts involved.

So, in thsway you can "construct" the essay, building on what already exists. One of these paragraphs you wrote may end up in the middle of the essay, and the other might end up in the intro or conclusion. Cut and paste and quote and cite, and let the thesis come into focus.

Essays / Problem-Solution Essay on Romeo and Juliet [4]

It really is best to use your teacher's outline, so that you get a good grade! Maybe we can help you understand it.

Writing Feedback / CHANGE or AVOID CHANGE? Which is better? [4]

The way you start the essay can be improved if you say something meaningful to get the reader's attention -- rather that just saying, "To start with, I must admit that," as if responding to the prompt question. Make it so that the essay could stand on its own, without the prompt question.

However, there are still a majority of individuals, including me, still prefers doing the same things and avoiding change. Here come t The following observations to support my view.

I think it will be better if you combine the last two paragraphs into one.

I say you should always opt for change, even when it will be difficult!

Graduate / Performed art is a mirror for human society and the converse - MFA (Acting) Essay [6]

...add the necessary tools and organization to be successful as a (name your specific aspiration).

The second paragraph might be better this way:

I fell in love with theatre during my undergraduate days at (Name of institution), and now One of the reasons for my interest in pursuing a graduate degree in Acting is because I wish to explore the craft in a structured academic environment.

This is great. You are quite specific about your aspirations. I think you can be even more specific, though, and you can do a better job of expressing a goal of applying the art to help the marginalized (para #3).

Yes, this is quite impressive. It should be easy to cut out some words to get within the word limit. shaveoff the words that get in the way and detract from the power of your writing:

In the future I plan to obtain my equity card and work in professional theatres.

Dissertations / Thesis paper on translation in famous works, confused about a topic [16]

This might help:

books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=lang_en&id=jBc4IHvMN4 AC&oi=fnd&pg=PP6&dq=Translation+Studies+pdf&ots=XvMRY6sFBm&s ig=fe4PnuQZ0djlDev5TDF-OGgdQb0