Essays / How to write Term Paper on Alzheimers? 5 pages with cover and bibliography [7]

Lori, this can be enjoyable. Just collect a few articles about the disease and read them. You need to read them 3 times, like coats of paint on your brain. While you read, take notes of everything interesting.

After 5 articles and note taking, you'll have so much material, it will look like a paper already! All you have to do then is find a theme that is emerging in the notes, and make that the theme of the paper.

Grab the reader's attention with a good intro, and then expound your notes. Pretend you are explaining Alzheimers to a friend... in a letter.

Now, what do you mean about trying to get the paper onto the computer? Maybe you need to sit down with someone who is good at using Word or whatever word processing prgm your computer has. Are you having trouble with the computer's word processing program? If you haven't done this stuff in 30 years, maybe you need to learn a little about the word processing program. It will get easier!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Cars cause a lot of air pollution... [5]

In my view, this payment it is obviously their responsibility to pay for cleaning the environment and to support for environmental solutions research.

One important problem with polluted environment is to purify it. This is associated with more and more difficulties, and financial problems are also among them. According to a 2007 survey by the TIMEs, due to car smoke, over 10 billion dollars must be paid per year for fixing pollution problems, and this number is continuously raising. Therefore, people who use cars must to pay environmental tax in order to reduce this financial burden.

In addition , because of serious pollution caused by cars' smoke, researching for solutions to environmental problems needs to be intensified. This has also brought financial problems. There were Much study of air pollution has stopped because of lacking research grants. Examples include Research of Air Pollution of Washington University, and Research of Car Fumes of Japanese Pollution Organization. and so on ... Of course, whoever can afford to drive a car should pay extra to support the research.

Good luck with the TOEFL!!! Let us know if you have any questions about the corrections.

Scholarship / Samoan Govt Scholarship - Information Technology Course [4]

Up at the top, you said to me, "I really appreciated." That's a common mistake, but you are supposed to say, "I appreciate it." They sound the same!

The daily task is challenging; troubleshooting and handling technical customer queries are difficult tasks, to do and I had no training except for my own basic knowledge and experiences and those of my supportive co-workers. have helped me manag

It looks good!

Essays / Interview a Person whose Native Language is not English [9]

Cool idea from Sean! A common, wise saying from that language...

Writing Feedback / Advertisment analysis [5]

I agree that the first paragraph should be cut. Instead of saying obvious things, say your most important truth of this paper -- or something unexpected, to grab the attention.

If you don't want to cut that first paragraph, fix this: The ways in which they attract people to buy the product(s) also vary greatly.

Sometimes, the writers of an ad use sweetened words to conceal the ugly reality behind it.

For this paper, it is good that you covered a few concepts, which I assume were required for the assignment. It must be hard to find ads that have the same fallacies or strategies you have been studying in class! You demonstrated understanding of the fallacies/strategies, but the paper itself lacks structure.

I think you could improve this by changing the order of a few paragraphs. The topic sentence of each paragraph should not feel abrupt, but instead should be part of a graceful transition.

Most importantly, when you rework the first paragraph, add a clear thesis satement that tells the reader your MAIN point. Finally, at the end, I saw that your main point had been that we should question the reliability of ads.

I like the last paragraph!

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [8]

The first sentence seems abstract. Maybe you should say "monetary value." Maybe not, though since money was not always used.

...have pumped hundreds of billions of dollars into their economies, hoping that their engines would start and drive them forward once again.

Wow, seduced by the Burger King's large portion! I like it...

Well, I see that you argue in favor of government intervention, but you also acknowledge the importance of capitalism (i.e. because it WORKS)... but how about if at the beginning you introduce these two ideas clearly and formally -- so that the reader sees that the essay has structure. Otherwise, it seems like you are jumping from one idea to the next.

Undergraduate / Reasons for transferring (NYU's BFA Program of Dramatic Writing) [7]

Hey, I look forward to seeing the next draft! I see that all but the second paragraph are quite short, so you could actually accomplish that specificity by adding a sentence to each of those short paragraphs. Find room in each paragraph for a sentence about your SPECIFIC, UNIQUE interests and the school's SPECIFIC resources -- which are what attracted you to it.

That is the kind of clear plan that impresses admissions people.

Undergraduate / Motivation essay for Student Exchange Program (deadline at Monday) [2]

Now I'm studying Advertising and have already realized that main tools of an advertiser, as well as any human-related professional, include not only his or her knowledge and skills, but especially personal characteristics and individual experience.

Okay, I see 4 or 5 good ideas that you have conveyed in these paragraphs. Now, can you come up with a theme that is the main idea of the whole essay? something that will make the essay memorable to a reader -- because of what it stands for.

Today's advertising has borders between purely commercial product and a visual art that are more and more obviously erased.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

The career of Newt Gingrich shows that, despite the fact that someone may be a grossly immoral person, he or she can still be a successful politician and Newt Gingrich is one of them .

He admitted to have an affair during his second marriage at the approximately the same time he was leading Congressional investigation of Bill Clinton's affair -- kind of a hypocrite, don't you think?

Yes, I see what Sean means.. you need a stronger argument. Make your thesis say not only that he is "immoral" but something more specific. What kind of immorality? Is he a hypocrite? Uncaring? Weak in his convictions?

When you say good things about him, you still have to be supporting your thesis. Everything you write must support your thesis... so, change the thesis so that it can be supported by the points made by these paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [5]

Vegetarianism prevents many of the health problems that are sweeping across America, pushes back against inhumane treatment of animals, and moves the planet towards a more sustainable existence.

That is a great sentence! (above) Now, for this one below, will you be elaborating about the conversations?
As one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest, this has an impact on everyday life and leads to numerous conversations with belligerent cowboys.

This is great, I' glad you shared it despite your reluctance to let people read your writing.

Essays / Should the policy of supplying textbook for free adhere to colleges? [16]

I am a little confused about what your prof said was not true. But the main problem with this essay is that.. well... the text books must be paid for by someone. Either the school pays for it and must increase tuition to compensate, or they sell the books and make a profit. Somebody has to pay, though.

You have to have an argument you can believe in. How about arguing that schools should make copies available for reference in the library. Some schools do this and others don't. The fact that some schools do it shows that it is realistic.

If you try to make an unrealistic argument, the prof will continue to pick it apart... but switch to something stronger, and you'll do alright!

Essays / Interview a Person whose Native Language is not English [9]

I think you should write a paragraph about the person and his or her opinion as a "body" paragraph.

Then, write a paragraph comparing that opinion to your own view, as a person with your own background.

After that, figure out what meaningful truth about language you have discovered. Write about that in another body paragraph.

After you have written 3 body paragraphs, you finally have something to introduce! See, it is hard to introduce something that does not exist yet.

So, in answer to your question, I think you should hook the reader's interest like the others advised, but you have to do it by writing something about this special truth that is uncovered by your essay. You have to write the material of the essay before you can do a good job of introducing it.

I always do my introductions last, after writing the essay.

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

a single leaf is falling
swung by the wind
dried and dead now
not knowing where it goes
tree is not alive anymore
dead leaves fall from dead branches

Looking at the tree, one might find it hard to believe that the same wood, so dead and dry, would be infused with new life in the upcoming season.

Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

Heroes are ordinary people who exceed their contemporaries because they possess the precious qualities that others lack.

The second paragraph is excellent! Very well structured, and it makes a meaningful point. Excellent paragraph...

In the light of The above examples show that celebrating heroes adds life to those abstract, precious qualities of humanity into our own lives and motivates us to become our own heroes. For this reason, it is of great value to pass their stories from generation to generation.

Scholarship / Samoan Govt Scholarship - Information Technology Course [4]

In working for Samoa's leading Internet services provider, Computer Services Limited, and with my thirteen years of employment, I have exposed myself to the most recent realities of computer and Internet technology. compared with 10 years before.

It is inevitable that the modern world business community can hardly survive without Information technology. It is with my highest I strongly believe that two processes, commerce and technology, go side by side in our modern age.

In my years in College, Accounting was my major subject in college . Students were not introduced to Computers were not emphasized as much at that time as they are today. like now a days. (computer was not really as important as these days) . Having been employed for thirteen years with all sorts of business...

You mentioned your thirteen years of experience three times! That is a little too much, I guess. It is best to say it once, near the beginning of the essay.

Nevertheless, it never hinders my spirit to learn new things and to challenge myself beyond my limitation; as I believe that the moment I stop is the moment I will be left behind and then to better consider myself as a useless piece of wood, floating on the wide blue ocean of the twenty-first century.

Nice ending! I like it.

Essays / How to write an ethnocentrism paper / The Evil Among Us -- Something you witnessed or learned about [20]

There are people who love freedom so much that they live outdoors and collect change from people who will give it... and they innovate ways to survive without having to conform to societal norms. I think that is brilliant, but someone who succumbs to ethnocentrism might disagree with me.

So, as you point out, ethnocentricity can apply even when "ethnicity" is the same and the differences are matters of subculture. I jut think you didn't do enough to make sure you show that you know what ethnocentrism is -- but I think the essay really is quite alright this way. Even though you made assumptions about the ladies and their motives (just like they perhaps made assumptions about that guy), the essay still conveys your point very well.

And on second thought, I guess I take back what I said above. I think you DO show that you understand what ethnocentricity is... in your reflection on what those ladies may have thought. Nevertheless, it may not have been ethnocentrism that was motivating them, like Sean said.

Anyway, I think this essay is great, and I'm glad you gave the guy few dollars!

:)

Undergraduate / International Student Essay for SUNY (motivation essay) [3]

During my life I have visited (Name some countries) , and I have always been surprised at the difference between their levels of visual communication and those of Russia, where the media level has only started to develop . In each country I noticed some features which made impacted my creativity; because I have never been in the United States it's a great chance to get to know this huge and unknown part of the world, to take the best from it, and to feel the spirit which inspired such people as Milton Glaser and David Ogilvy.

This essay is terrific! The enthusiasm will win the reader's heart. You did a great job.

...with an atmosphere of creativity and the best visual art in the world...

Writing Feedback / Management of Planning - Arthur Anderson (Enron case) [4]

Arthur Anderson is a great choice!

Well... just like strategic planning in a company, writing an essay needs strategic planning. It is okay if you start with a jumble of information, but make sure ou know where each piece of info came from so you can easily cite sources later. Take that jumble, and look at the main points that are made.

Attach topic sentences (main points) to the beginnings of paragraphs.

Rearrange the paragraphs into a good order.

When the essay is almost finished, write an introduction paragraph.

When you have written a brilliant final draft, add a conclusion paragraph to the end.

Let's see that material, paste it into your next post! Good luck, and thanks for participating.

Undergraduate / Transfer to NYU from Rutgers Newark -- Entrepreneurs, Pioneers. [10]

Less is always more. That's why Zen masters often answer questions with very short responses, ha ha. So... as you cut this down to keep it within the word count, find ways to make sentences sleek and powerful. Try revising this way:

Similarly, "entrepreneur" can be defined as "One who starts a business or other venture that promises economic gain but that also entails risks." My ancestors were an example of this since they arrived in a new market and started businesses−small shops or road-side snack bars−that promised money to survive with which they were risking failure and/or rejection. This pioneer spirit runs in the family; my father, who set up his own business, my grandfather who sold his mother's cooking on the streets of Madagascar, and so on. Ten years ago, in 1998, I was one of the first students to be enrolled in the first American school of Madagascar.

The pioneer in me first came out at that American school, when I was the first of my family to learn English. I did not know a word of English; after so I was placed in ESL (English as a Second Language). After four months as an ESL student, the teacher looked me in the eyes and said: "Ayaz, I am surprised at how fast you learned English. I can see already that you will go far in life." Being in fourth I didn't take much of that. He deemed that my knowledge of the English language was good enough for me to be placed in the normal English class.

IT really is looking very good, though. Like that teacher, I am impressed that an ESL student can write so well.

Grammar, Usage / What can help a student to write a good essay (research for my assignment) [7]

In all four of those -- essay, debate, speech and research -- it is good to use reliable, peer-reviewed journal articles and research studies. These can be found on Google Scholar and in many databases.

Are you doing an assignment where you have to write about what information is needed?

For a debate, you need to know what the counterargument is and how to defeat it.

Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

Telling lies sometimes can enable people to avoid the grieving experience of recovering, especially for old people who are vulnerable to shock and woe.

This is a fascinating essay! You know, if you read about Kant's moral absolutism compared to Mill's "utilitarianism," you see how deep this argument goes. Some people think that you must stick to principle and never lie, while other people think it is best to seek the greatest good for the greatest number of people (utilitarianism). So, this is a profound issue. For more info about it, Google "Kant", "Mill", and "utilitatianism" and read a few articles.

I see no errors, but revise according to the feedback you got here. Good luck, and congratulations for a well-written essay.

Undergraduate / Which essay idea seems to be best. [8]

Right on, I understand what you mean. Good luck with those drafts!

Undergraduate / 'A hope for a wonderful learning experience' - college entrance essay (UCF)? [7]

Hey, good call, Stephan! I agree. A good applicant is resolute and single-minded. Certain.

Graduate / Social worker in offices at a local hospital - Personal Statement for Grad School [5]

Good!! This flows nicely and it shows your eloquence. I don't think the last 2 sentences need to be in their own paragraph -- merge them into the previous one!

:)

Also:
Over time and with training, I have learned how to work effectively with difficult clients.

"Overtime", as one word, means working late.

Writing Feedback / Essay on The Cons of Social Text Messaging [4]

Text messaging. Have you ever been in a group of juveniles where it seems just everyone is sharing an experience, except for one kid in the corner who is smugly text messaging away. I am sure we all have that one friend who just can't get the cell phone off his hands. Don't you hate that? I know I do. In the body of this speech, I would like to clearly layout the obvious and not so obvious negative aspects of social text messaging, and offer a plan that will in turn, bring about social and behavioral benefits.

Pretty cool beginning! I think you could do better though. If you think of something very funny, work it into the first paragraph.

...encourages submergence into a dysfunctional reality.

Yes, less is more when you are asking people to pay attention. Cut out everything that is unnecessary. If you have to actually give this speech in front of people, I suggest writing it as a list of sentences -- so you can read them one-at-a-time.

Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

There r sum events in... don't get in the habit of typing shortened versions of words! It'll frustrate you later! :)

There r sum events in life which influence what we become later in life. I don't remember what were those events of my life that triggered my process of becoming a bully. I am a person with a pretty strong build . It started out what was probably as a gesture, or perhaps in playing the role of "class clown", but it constantly keep growing. It was not far away when long before my conversations ...

Then, it came to be time for us to try to pass our 10th boards; our classes had just begun, we people were literally free at that time.

I realized I had made a terrible mistake.

Wow, what an interesting perspective you have! It is cool that you admit this about your past. This is not a college admissions essay is it? What is this essay for, an English class? I really liked this essay, and it is something that will intrigue most readers.

Check the spelling and punctuation, especially in the bottom half. try using more paragraphs; each paragraph is a thought, an idea. Start a new para for each new idea.

Scholarship / Contributions to the Field of Sonography [10]

No more than 3 Three years ago, I new nothing about a career field with the name of "Echocardiography". Since then, I feel that I have come a long way, yet I realize that I am only still just beginning to explore a whole new world of knowledge and opportunity.

In researching the different area of practice in echocardiography I have discovered that I am particularly interested in pediatrics. Upon graduation ....and carried out.

In the end there is nothing more that I would love to do more than to , one day, organize trips to my home country, Romania. I want to

Awesome... this is a great essay. Try those improvements, though.

Undergraduate / "Improvability" - NYU Transfer (activities, additional information) [6]

This second version is a lot better! It is so thoughtful. I think you should have 2 paragraphs. the first should grab the reader's attention and name those two activities in theater -- acting and directing -- and what you learned from each.

The second paragraph should be shorter, and it should be and reflective.

Previously, I had tried to find other activities to become involved with, but n Nothing has ever satisfied me as much as theater. I fell away from this pursuit, and writing was my gateway back into theater. As I began to write, I realized there were other aspects of theater to explore such as acting and directing.

Through acting, I was able to improve my writing ability. Before acting, my writing was mostly plot-driven, based on the Poetics of Aristotle. Acting revealed to me a whole new school of thought . As an actor, I ...

This is pretty great!! I hope that idea helps.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Reformation in Europe - Feedback [2]

...Along with it, the Protestant Reformation brought religious pluralism in Europe, attacking religious dogma which at that time dominated Europe at the time politically, socially and religiously. The reformation was led by a man from Germany named Martin Luther; it was further modified by a French theologian named John Calvin, and then Henry VIII, the king of England. The ideas brought forward by these individuals started the Protestant Reformation and forever changed the course of Western civilization.

The essay is great! I see that you give one para to each person. So, in the intro, you should present those people as the subject of the essay. You can say: Three people who played major roles in the Protestant Reformation were...

If you do that in the intro, which you already sort of do, it will be great. It already is great. But in the intro, don't mention those people as a side-note, but rather, as the focus of the essay... as the thesis statement.

Then, you have a great descriptive essay.

Undergraduate / Stevens or NJIT - which college to choose? [9]

Sounds like an interview question to ask a manager at a place you would like to work. In fact, I challenge you to visit 3 places you would like to work... and ask a real manager.

Have you looked into the rankings?

If you do this exercise, you will be able to write a brilliant admissions essay about it.

Really, it could be accomplished over the phone. No excuse not to do it! :) I admire your thoughtfulness about this iportant decision.

Undergraduate / Transfer to NYU from Rutgers Newark -- Entrepreneurs, Pioneers. [10]

How about:

"We are a family of pioneers... entrepreneurs. It's in our blood."

The term "pioneer" is defined by the (name of dictionary Dictionary as, "One who ventures into unknown or unclaimed territory to settle."

Paragraphs 2 and 3 would be better combined as one.

Given that France was already famous amongst graduates from Madagascar, I decided to apply to somewhere new: the United States of America, the land of opportunities.

How about something less cliche, like:

the United States of America, a progressive and powerful collage of culture.

Essays / Goodman Brown's Epiphany Essay [8]

Okay, so... spend a whole minute in silence with these points of analysis... then, write a paragraph that comes to mind. Paste it below the point of analysis that is seems to go with.

Write another paragraph, and paste it where it seems to go.

Look at what you have written, and at the remaining points of analysis, and you will suddenly get inspired about what parts of the story to write about for another of those points of analysis.

Switch them into a good order.

As you write, use the same words and phrases that they used in their points of analysis.

If you have trouble, look at the points of analysis and go back, read parts of the story some more. Enjoy reading, and you'll enjoy writing. Good luck with your sister!

Speeches / "An experience that changed your life" speech presentation ideas? [8]

Why does it have to be an event? Well, for an event, I think it would be great for you to show insight by explaining how a SEEMINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL event did end up changing your life drastically.

What is the defining quality of your life right now? look into your history and find a seemilgly inconsequential event that led to the development of your defining interest or ability of today.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

In all ages, it is a common conception has been that women should take ...

The thesis statement is excellent now!!

Meanwhile, women's more tender character, sensitive insight and - according to some research studies -- better communication skills (see Roberts, 1994), which, according to some researches help a great deal in children's building up personality and social skills, make them a better parent.

Yes, excellent, you made me have a new insight into the changing times. The fact that women are being empowered in modern society goes with the fact that men now can balance it out by taking on more nurturing, parental roles. Maybe you should mention that balance -- of gender equality and equalizing parenting roles, occurring together -- in the conclusion paragraph.

Great job!

Essays / Colors in Graphic Design -CHOOSING AN INTERESTING THESIS STATEMENT,PROPOSAL [6]

An Exploration of Social Responsibility in Graphic Design:
The Graphic Designers Role in Accommodating Colour-Blindness

Like that, maybe?

Writing Feedback / Do images and impressions have too much of an effect on people? [5]

Our recognition of people or things thing can be transformed totally when we begin to understand more. Past impression dose barely interferes with our future perception of others.

How about that?

For most of the essay, I think it's brilliant. You write very well in English! The meaning of this essay is fascinating, too.

Make it neat and rhythmic by getting rid of awkward parts:
Further communication and deeper understanding are the more effective methods that c an enable us to touch the true characteristics of a person.

Book Reports / (symbolic / character interpretation)? - my new essay is on lord of the flies. [15]

I agree that symbolism is always a safe bet... and it can make for such a great essay. Symbolism is fascinating.

I really like your section about whether the Littluns are filler or something more!

Who is the kid that turned all evil? It would be cool to write about the changes he went through... but that would not be original.

Your ideas are good. Write some more of it!

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]

Employers in America and as well as Canada are supposed to protect employees and treat them fairly.

Sociologists discovered economic issues caused by globalization, which anthropologists tend to agree with as well. ----> When you make assertions like this, it is good if you cite someone's article or book. It would make it a lot better if you added an author's name in parentheses at the end of the sentence.

The biggest problem here is that you say in the beginning that Annan was right about it being inevitable, and then at the end you said Canadians could modify it.

I think what you mean to say is that it IS inevitable, because it is a natural consequence of combining capitalism with advanced communication and transportation technology... but that we can strive to mitigate its negative effects if we are willing to do so.

As of now, it is wishy washy, because you offer no real solution. However, you can fix it by saying it IS inevitable, but then going on to give examples of initiatives that could preserve culture and prevent exploitation, etc.

Writing Feedback / If you cannot excel in a field, simply leave it for someone who can. Decisions [9]


So, that means that choices are the building blocks of a life. It means that choices are sacred. Cool idea... Maybe it should say: A life is the sum of all one's choices.

My first impression after reading the first paragraph is that the decision seems like... not that important... but I will keep reading to see how you explain it.

In addition, I was not truly fond of science in the first place. Oh, well I guess it was not a difficult decision!

Oh, wait... that is an interesting twist, ha ha, you enrolled in science after all! Awesome... okay, I like it! I give it an A. Fix this, though:

The main reason I joined the scientific section was to please my father , who is a physician . He used to call me "the little doctor" when I was young, and he thought I would succeed him.

Actually, it was fine the way it was... but I like it this way.

you know, with your aptitude for language and literature, you can become a different sort of physician. You can use language to help people... for example, teaching therapeutic exercise or nutrition, etc. You don't have to choose only one career, despite the impression we get in school. You can use language and literature to help people alleviate pain and stay healthy.

Essays / How to write an ethnocentrism paper / The Evil Among Us -- Something you witnessed or learned about [20]

Hey, now, let's not be all, like, Negative Nancy or something. It's not so bad! And let's try to stay a little formal in our discourse, too, not so much swearing and sulking! :) Avoid profanity, just in case it causes some sensitive people to be offended or whatever.

When you can't get inspired, there is no way you'll like what you write. But if you wrote something uninspired, there is still good stuff in there. Like with this one, shave off that weak first sentence and let the essay begin with that very interesting sentence about how one would think that America would not have ethnocentricity. Cool idea!

This essay is actually a great topic, a really cool topic. Ethnocentricity is subtle. Think about this:

When big companies outsource work to India and China, those people in those developing countries are glad to be earning a higher wage than they would otherwise be earning (even though they are often exploited). However, Americans say, Hey! Why are you giving OUR jobs to those foreigners?!" Same thing with immigration. Now, I'll put this in bold to make people notice it, and see if anyone argues with me: In order to cut labor costs, it is great for American companies to employ people overseas, who live in developing nations, instead of employing Americans.

Now, let's see how many Americans take offense to that. People are unaware of their ethnocentrism. The truth is, people in India and China need jobs, too!

Unfortunately... I think the example you wrote about is not good. I think you should write about ethnicity even though homeless people perhaps represent an ethnographic, like, subculture or something. Try again! Sorry you are having a hard time!