Undergraduate / Statement: Studying People my Whole Adult Life [6]

Below, I think you can't say whole ADULT life and then say 27 years, because it makes it sound like you are 27 now and yet referring to your whole life as your adult life. I see that you are over 27, now that I read the rest of the essay, but when reading these first lines it is unclear. I crossed some stuff out:

I have been studying people throughout m y whole adult life. I have more than twenty-seven years of research experience wi th family, friends and employers, from seeking to understand how we live our daily lives.

This next part is all sentence fragments, and they need to be put together and reworked in order to make them complete: Identifying what those around me ... (all the way to) ... asking WHY some people live and some are merely alive.

The last time I had been in a college classroom was the summer of 1993.

You really have a great way with words. It is important for you to study a very small book called Elements of Style by Strunk and White, and get rid of any misconceptions you may have about grammar while also making your style even better. That is the best advice I have for you. Good luck going back to school!! I admire that, for sure!

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

I bounced up from my bed. "Such a weird dream," I thought.

or:

Bouncing up from my bed, "Such a weird dream," I thought.

Either of those would be better. Don't forget to capitalize the S.

Hey, I had not noticed this either (below). Here is an idea:

It was unfair that the son above, who had been born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile, now had those chances was stolen. If he had been vaccinated properly to prevent polio properly like the rest of us, he would have had a normal life.

:)

Scholarship / 'The perfect way of voicing my opinion' scholarship essay (everyone has an opinion) [3]

From a very young age, I have loved getting my point across in any discussion.

"It was like a new door had been opened and a whirlwind of new information was hitting me." This is great!

It wasn't long after that, that I started breaking out the note cards .

I could only practice so much, as the big day finally arrived.

Usually when I spoke or presented something in front of a crowd, I was generally nervous.

And nervous I was, until I got up on that podium and looked to the onward crowd (by crowd I mean panel of 3 teacher judges).

I rarely even had to glance down at my note cards , as I had practiced so much, I had everything I wanted to say down to a science.

I have participated in some debates since then and Debate also introduced me to another passion: law.

Book Reports / Thesis for Hunters in the Snow [6]

The thesis is the essay itself. It is the core at the center.
BTW my previous post made it seem like you should have a quote as part of the thesis... that was not what I mean to say!

The thing to do is ponder the book, and whatever your most meaningful insight from reading it happens to be -- that is the thesis.

Capturing the thesis is the art of writing, really. Convey the thesis. In order to convey your own original thought on the content, you need to first really engage the content.

Think of the book that has influenced you the most. I bet it would be easy to come up with a thesis sentence about it. The deeper you go into the book, the easier it is to articulate and back up a thesis.

Writing Feedback / On the Inland of Hispanolia [9]

Hey, you are a hard-working student! It's great that you are working so hard at your writing.

...it was evident that the Spanish were far more superior to the...

Thus The Spanish believed thus the Spanish soldiers manipulated the Indians to obey them, believing themselves to be of a much higher class. and superior then the Indians.

Along with the Spanish's belief that they were far more superior to the Indians, other factors contributed to the reasons why the Spanish were cruel to them Indians . Firstly , the Indians were constantly attacking and destroying their settlements at random and the Spanish returned the favor. Additionally the Spanish tried to have a civilized peace treaty with the Indians, but the Indians backstabbed the Spanish because they had greater alliances with tribes. The Spanish were unaware of the Indians ' separate alliances, and the peace treaty became complex.

I guess I think that it is better to refer to the Indians as Native Americans, or simply Natives.

The essay ends sort of abruptly...

try to always say more with fewer words -- for efficiency.

Good luck with this online class! Taking a college class at 16 years old??

Undergraduate / Nanyang: My proudest achievement essay. [9]

Hey, yeah, what is up with separating all the sentences at the beginning like that? I like the flow of the beginning, but I think it should all be brought together as one paragraph. Maybe start paragraph2 with:

It started with a...

Only change it to:

The tournament started with a...

ALSO, it would be good to put your thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph, right after "our arch rivals in the final."

HEY, Mustafa's advice about your first line is great! And I have actually made that mistake in my writing.. I think I just became a better writer because of Mustafa's comment, there. Writing should focus on the subject, not itself! It's like the Zen story about the finger pointing at the moon: Do not miss the moon because of looking at the finger that is pointing to it!

About the rest of the essay: How about less story and more reflection! It is a cool story, but the reader does not really care as much as you do. It is better to tell the story in half the amount of words, and then use the extra space to reflect very thoughtfully and sensibly about that accomplishment, what it teaches about life, practice, and perseverance, you know? Use the extra space to reflect on what it all means, what effect it will have on you, and you can even tie it into your academic and professional aspirations a little.

BTW, I had to remove your original draft so we don't have too much duplicate content. It's okay for you to post a revised draft, though! Start by putting all those sentences from the beginning into one paragraph.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09) [8]

Wow, this is impressive writing. I guess I think, when I first looked at it I thought... you would do well to add a short sentence to the very beginning -- something to make the reader interested. The first paragraph IS very well written, but can you hook the attention first?

I almost want to suggest switching the first two paragraphs, so that the essay starts out with:

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. The apprehension of being stuck there still lingered on me; luckily, it was just a nightmare. Ironically, on another bed, another boy was living the same nightmare. His bed was truly a limitless prairie: he could never get out of the bed by himself; he was disabled.

Then paragraph two starts:

I had been walking on a boundless...

Do you like it that way?? I kind of think it would be cool. It would make it so that there is a short paragraph telling the reader that s/he is about to be told a story from a dream. People read on with interest when that happens...

Ah, wait a minute... it won't make sense that way.. Okay, I change my suggestion. What I suggest is moving this sentence to the beginning of the essay and leaving everythng else along:

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. I had been walking...

Take it or leave it! Sean gave such great help that I am hard pressed to find room for improvement. :)

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

Well, as much as I hate to admit it, I guess you are right. It never occurred to me that there is a limit to the importance of that arbitrary cutoff at 18 or whatever but that there is no limit to how heinous a crime can be. No no, what I really mean is, there is a limit to how much we can punish someone, but there is no limit to how heinous a crime can be.

Some people are convicted of crimes that warrant multiple death sentences, but all we can give them is one, of course. Sean's post made it occur to me that a child that commits a crime might deserve a penalty that is beyond the scope of what penalties can be imposed on a child... but that does not even sound right... Ah, even now as I type this, I'm not sure, actually... for some things, there is no right answer.

Still, it seems to make our justice system look silly if we have exceptions to that rule, however arbitrary its age cutoff is! I mean, can we also try retarded people as non-retarded people? Ha ha...

Research Papers / What to include in an intro and critical reflection, women inequality @work [10]

Hey, interesting discussion here. I think the analysis of source involves discussing them thoroughly and sensibly... if you use 5 sources in the paper, then really master them and discuss them all in relation to one another.

Sometimes you might criticize the methodology of the research they did, if you are knowledgeable about research methods. Other times you might note if an article is very old, or if it is inconsistent with other accepted data. But it is not all about scrutiny, either. The idea is to really do some ALCHEMY, in the sense that you put 5 articles together in your paper, add your own sincere reflection, and you come up with a paper that is more than the sum of its parts.

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Cool! That makes sense. In English, we can order sentences however we like, generally. Even the way Yoda talks is alright, really. Into any spot of the sentence prepositions you can insert. Ha.

Really, I never thought of it that way. I enjoy the fact that word order is my prerogative as the writer. It's a shame to impose that kid of constraint! Nevertheless, admissions officers read these essays and look for signs that you a promising student -- it is better to show that you are able to do the necessary gymnastics to observe that rule.

Becaue it IS a rule! Even though Sean is right, he is the only person who knows that fact he just shared withus! Ha ha, well, now we know it, too. But with regard to the admissions essays passing through this site, I think it is best to point it out. Especially when the prepositin comes at the end of the last sentence of the whole essay, Tyler!! Ha ha.

BTW it was probably me that said I hate it when prof's are sticklers for no first person perspective. How unnatural, to talk about yourself in the third person.. Ha ha. How Gollum! We hates him, don't we my precious!

Graduate / MS in Computer Science -- Passion for Computer Research [8]

How about "humankind" instead of the somewhat chauvinistic "mankind"?

Can you add a sentence to the end of that short first paragraph, a sentence that captures the most meaningful idea, "main idea" of the essay?

I have questions: Is there a recommended word count for this? Is there a prompt question that you are supposed to answer?

Right now the essay is not organized so well, because you do not have a sentence in the first paragraph that tells what direction the essay will take. The story of your accomplishment is great. Maybe you should still try to cut out unnecessary words and sentences, though. Most importantly, add that thesis sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

:)

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Spelman College Essay - Review & Make neccessary changes as u see fit [3]

So, as you continue to revise, keep this in mind: "Seeking knowledge and commitment to service"... and also... "ways you have shown your commitment in these"... as you reread the essay, try making a list of how many "ways" are covered.

It really is a great essay! I am just nitpicking and giving my thoughts. Also:

Could it be something Maya Angelou once wrote (rather than said)? The opening line sounds a lot like that cliche, "a wise man once said..."

I know that becoming a 'Spelmanite' would requires just as much...

Overall, my main concern is that you don't concentrate as much on ways you have shown commitment to seeking knowledge and serving. I think that, toward the end of the intro paragraph, you should give a sentence that tells the reader something like, "My commitment to acquiring knowledge and serving others is demonstrated in my (name the topics covered in the essay)"

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family) [3]

Late at night m y racing mind, filled with worries about my future, kept my eyelids open. The ticking of each passing second somehow hurt my ears. I got up and went outside.

In my childish imagination, I associated immigration to Israel with excitement and adventure in a new world.

Wow, nice job with this! The corrections I made above are not really corrections -- just my ideas about it. Take it or leave it.

You have an impressive story! Perhaps at the end you can speak directly about "how it shaped who you are," using those words to show that you are answering the question.

Scholarship / The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist - why did you choose this career? [8]

In my country Romania, I had been studying...

I remember very distinctly that I had no idea what he was talking about. since I barely knew any human anatomy, let alone any terms that described disease processes . That was when I knew that I too wanted to understand medical terminology and disease processes -- know what he knows words like "diastolic dysfunction" and "dilated cardiomyopathy." These concepts are no longer foreign to me, and I could not be happier.

How about starting the essay with a sentence that grabs the attention. Your current first sentence is not exciting, not engaging to a reader.

As you make changes based on this feedback, be careful not to let the life drain out of the essay; sometimes too much revision makes an essay rigid. Perhaps you can shorten the first paragraph, strike out the material I crossed out (above) and use that extra room to describe the way that this school's SPECIFIC resources will make a difference for your particular process... so that you, in turn, can make a difference in your unique career. Let the admissions person feel that s/he is contributing to society by awarding you this scholarship.

Easier said than done!!

I hope you have great luck with this scholarship!

:)

Graduate / Your motivation for the MSc-programme of your choice [4]

Do not write India, Asia. Instead, take out that whole first sentence and write:

My background as a citizen of India provides me with experience and knowledge about how a country grows and develops in a quickly changing, modern world. relation with their way of life and the society's cultural behavior.

Then, without starting a new paragraph, continue:

My name is Reentee. I was born in 1986 in Mumbai, India and spent most of my time in Agra. I study Architecture in NDH University, India and I will be getting my bachelor's degree in April 2009. New Delhi, Agra, and Bombay are three Indian's big cities that each has their own problems. The two major problems are...

The reason I struck out the sentence about studying architecture is because it is not relevant to the paragraph. After telling about the two major problems, tell the committee member why this program to which you are applying is PERFECT for helping you to become a part of the SOLUTION to those problems.

Then, start a new paragraph about your studies:
(new paragraph) I study Architecture in NDH University, India and I will be getting my bachelor's degree in April 2009.

Make sure every paragraph is about one, specific idea, and keep them focused on that idea!!

Check all of your verb tenses, like this one:

I joined students diving club during ...

You seem very intelligent and serious!!! Just revise the beginning so that, near the end of the very first paragraph, you answer that question about "your motivation for the MSc-programme of your choice"

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Essays / Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine) [5]

Although many people already now how to use maryland's new voting machine, however the older group of people (being the major voters) may be better served by the paper application. should be used

Yes, Gautama is right. Use either "although" or "however," but not both.

Good luck!!!!!

Writing Feedback / The Oregon Runaway Laws [4]

By allowing our children to run the streets unsupervised, we are allowing them to become homegrown terrorists.

Although I corrected that sentence above, I actually think you should remove it. It is not logical to say that they are becoming terrorists!!

Another fact that was alarming was the fact that many teens who had runaway reported that they turned to drugs, sex and prostitution to survive on the streets. One out every three runaway teens will be solicited for sex. For this, you need to cite the source of the statistic.

Here is one of ... will be solicited for sex. For this whole paragraph... you are not showing why the laws are hurting. You are only giving an example of why running away is bad.

Can you read a few articles about the runaway laws -- perhaps an article in favor of them and an article opposed to them -- and summarize the two opposing views near the start of this essay? Keep this essay focused on why those laws might do more harm than good.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (Questions are a necessary part of life) [12]

My own experiences and the questions that they pose have made me aware of life's fragility; and as I write this, that girl I still consider a close friend is in the hospital. She is going through something that is unimaginable to me, but since the moment the doctors told her she had only a few months to live she has been perfectly aware that life can easily be taken and is meant to be cherished.

Very good essay! You are thoughtful and great.

I would advise you to write a new essay for an intellectual experience. Do not take the easy road! An intellectual experience is one that involves scholarly discussion, research, a philosophical debate, a seminar you attended, or even a book you read... but it is not intended to be a story about an emotional experience like this. They are looking for an intellectual experience. How about a subject that you have read about? What subject have you researched passionately? Tell about a specific experience associated with a subject -- perhaps you researched leukemia??? If so, write briefly about this girl as the reason for your research, and then write about the research you did -- titles of articles, books, conversations with doctors, and the girl's family, etc...

:))))

You are great!!

Graduate / PhD Statement of purpose for chemical engineering [2]

Right here, I think you should use a period instead of a semi-colon:

Inspiration and enthusiasm well up in me when I am at work. I have gained...

I think you should add one or two sentences to the first paragraph to tell more specifically what you intend to do. For example:

It is my overwhelming desire for learning, invention, and teaching that lead ‎me to continue my education towards a Ph.D. degree.‎ Specifically, I hope to contribute [talk about specific aspirations for both the program for which you are applying AND your future career.

These specifics at the start will add great substance to the essay.

I also think you should add specifics about how you will contribute to and be benefited by the program for which you are applying. At the end, when you write ...and I have found the Ph.D. program at University of ‎XXX and Dr. XXX's research group well suited to my interests. , follow up on that by adding a sentence that tells why you chose this program rather than a different one, why you want to work with Dr. XXX, and, you know, specifically why you choose this school over other schools. That will show that you have a well-conceived plan, and that you are serious. Then, continue: I have full ‎confidence that my...

Most importantly, I want to tell you that this essay is BRILLIANT, and that I am sure that it will make a good impression. It is pleasant to read, even though I do not know you had have no interest in your field. You write very, very well, and I am impressed. That you for contributing this excellent essay for the benefit of others who may visit this forum for ideas about how to write an excellent essay.

Writing Feedback / "Successful Lie" - 4-5 pages essay for homework. [5]


Ha ha, well, they COULD, but they might be lying again! Anyway, I think it should say "have never lied" instead of "have never lain."

Hey, what do you mean by "i sent to a wrong place" ???

Try like this:

When a questioner asks how many people can say they never told a lie in their past years, there is no one who can stand up, raise their hand, and truthfully say that they have never lied before.

The way to cite in MLA is like this:

From the survey conducted for the East Los Angeles college research paper, one hundred percent of the applicants who participated said they had lied to other people before (write the name of the author of that article here).

At the end of the paper, you'll have a list called Works Cited. Type MLA into google to get instructions about how to make the Works Cited list.

One fact that is known about lies is that they can be created to hurt another person or persons.

This sentence can be deleted: When they succeed to make some other students think that, that person is evil or something else bad . The essay is fine without it, and it does not make good sense.

Now, this is supposed to be a causal analysis essay, and you do a good job of focusing on the causes of lies, but you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader: This essay is intended to speculate about the reasons people lie -- even though nobody wants to consider himself or herself a liar.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Writing Feedback / "You don't choose your family." - Turning Point Essay Edit [4]

Every time I talk to my parents, I always feel that they're always yelling at me and they don't care about me anymore.

I see that they treat my brother better than me, and I'm NOT jealous, I'm just wondering why they have to yell at me and blame stuff on me when I don't really do anything bad or it isn't even my fault.

I would be really scared if it did actually happen, and I reflected to myself each night before my sleep, how I treated them before.

But no matter how much I sometimes feel that I hate them, they are always my parents and I should be proud of that.

:)

Writing Feedback / "Life is like riding a bicycle.." [5]

Even if it was you who fell, and hit your head perhaps, then had this series of thoughts or flashbacks, I would start this over. At least you should try for smoother transitions between running and bombings and a five year old killing his best friend...

:)

Essays / Cause and effect essay: 1 introduction, 2 cause, 2 effect and 1 conclusion [9]

Cool, sounds like a double-cause/effect essay.

Well, I don't know what to call it, exactly. But anyway, just write an attention-grabbing intro, and then tell the reader that the essay is about two things. "This essay is intended to show the effect of (thing #1) on (whatever it effects) and (thing #2) on (whatever it effects). It should be easy!

The only tough part is the thesis statement, which should probably go at the end of that first para, and which should say something meaningful about the relationships among the two sets of causes and effects, and the implications with regard to... anything interesting! Make it cool and meaningful.

Good luck! Does that help???

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Msc.International Trade Policy [3]

Yes, this is like a perfect, model essay, and I might use it as an example to show other members how to write well. Thanks so much for posting it here! Please check out the EF Contributor page (link at the bottom of screen).

I am glad Sean found some ways to help you, because you deserve it! For that last part, I was going to suggest something like this:

You can Please consider my achieved outstanding achievements (above average grades) results in classes and my strong, transparent skills (analytical, target-oriented nature and teamwork abilities developed at work and university), and my leadership qualities as prerequisites of my success.

Teamwork is one word.
target-oriented needs a hyphen.
The last item in a list needs a comma, so in this case a comma goes after the close-parentheses after "university."
...and, with 2 or more adectives you need a comma, so I put one after "long," but actually I think you might want to leave out the word "transparent," because it does not seem to go there..

Good luck!! and thank you

Writing Feedback / Ethics and Values BA Hons Social Work [3]

First thing I notice is a mistake with the APA in-text citation:

...social interaction." (Fook, 2007, pg 52).

You don't need the period after "interaction". When you cits a source, do it like this:

...social interaction" (Fook, 2007, pg 52).

Second thing I notice is that you do a paragraph break after the first and second sentence, and instead you should just keep it one paragraph.

Okay, as for the points you make, it is all excellent! However, do take Gautama's advice and make a strong first paragraph where you tell the main idea of the essay. This is complex, because the essay is about 3 different things. Therefore, the intro paragraph might be long -- say, 6 or 7 sentences. Introduce the three ideas, and tell the reader what you are going to say about them. Let the personal stories serve as examples of the thesis statement, which you will add to the intro paragraph.

At the end, use a conclusion para to restate the thesis. Even though this is a modular assignment, specific to the class discussion/readings, you still should organize the piece within the frame of a thesis/intro at the start and a reflective conclusion para at the end.

As I have said before, THANK YOU Tyler for being so awesome!!!

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

That is an AWESOME example of how the rules can become tiresome when we are sticklers for them. Ha ha, Nevertheless, ending a sentence with a preposition is generally not good, and ending a whole essay with one is like... it stands out like a ... well, I can't think of any good example, but, it stands out.

It stands out like a shirt tucked into the pants and out the fly zipper thing.

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

It's got to come from within you; listen for it. The truth is, you CAN use language powerfully. You can write words that make the reader think something. Make the reader feel something. You can write words that "count."

Writing Feedback / The Ultimate Controversy: Argument Essay [19]

Awful, Some questions are not possible to answer... Some stuff just remains ugly. Anyhow, I don't think I will ever understand the logic of establishing two sets of standards based on age and then making exceptions based on severity... I don't even know how to say what I am trying to say... if kids are to be held to a different standard, then they should be held to a different standard. Trying kids as adults seems downright goofy to me, because it defeats the purpose of establishing 2 standards.

Essays / Cause and effect essay: 1 introduction, 2 cause, 2 effect and 1 conclusion [9]

Looks like a combination of compare/contrast and cause & effect. It would be interesting to see more info about the assignment. What are you trying to do, Adrio?

Writing Feedback / Oh Spring! Where is your sense of humor? [5]

Wow, that is some impressive advice. I had to take a minute to acknowledge that Sean gave some excellent words of wisdom here, and I certainly benefited from it.

Graduate / Homeless situation - personal statement [10]

It was a cold autumn afternoon on the south shore of (city, state). A young girl walked door to door, trying to help a cause she believed in.

My grades lowered for the duration of that time, resulting in sub par performance.
During group projects, I often became a leader due to my ability to recognize a person's strengths and weaknesses, and assigning tasks based on those traits.

The internship had reinforced the fact that environmental management is definitely the career path I want to pursue. (See Resume).

I strongly believe that graduate school will help me by providing the building blocks necessary to continue on my path to becoming an environmental manager. I look forward to the many challenges ahead and hope that I am given the opportunity to contribute to your program.

This is looking great! Here are a few minor fixes, but great job revising!

:)

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (Questions are a necessary part of life) [12]

Wow, I really liked your ending! You are a great writer. You answered the prompt wonderfully, your essay is tight, well set up and interesting all the way through. Fix the sentence Sean pointed out, and you've got yourself a great essay. :)

Good luck in school

Writing Feedback / Flight & Growing Up -Comparive Essay [3]

Here are a few other fixes to go with the great advice from Sean;

This metaphorically means that Robert and his wife don't care about their daughters, which then can be related to the fact that the garden is not clean or pruned which therefore can relate to the girls' personality and poor upbringing which can be seen during the barbaric attack on Quick.

For example, when Alice's grandfather releases the pigeon, he also realizes that it is time for Alice to go.

The pigeon in Alice's grandfather's hand can be compared to Alice as it shows how hard it is for him to let Alice go therefore, he catches the pigeon in mid flight as he realizes that Steven is going to take Alice away from him and he is not going to give up with out a fight.

Both stories use the garden as their setting but Growing up seems to use the garden as an example of the characters.

On the contrary, Flight does not use the garden as an example of it's characters because Alice does not have as much authorization and control over the garden compared to Kate and Jenny which explains why Alice does not get wild but Kate and Jenny do.

Quick prefers his daughters to be 'wild' and free for which he feels proud of because his children are a lot different compared to the neighbor 's children because they are 'shaved' and 'combed' which metaphorically relates to well mannered and well brought up.

In a way, both men are growing up as Alice's granddad in Flight realizes that it is time for her to pass on.

While on the contrary, Alice's grandfather still prefers her daughter to be a young child and not to feel love towards others in his heart.This sentence needs revision.

Writing Feedback / eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), introductory paragraph [10]

Bwahaha?
Is that like, a Count Dracula laugh!? I don't know if Count Dracula laughter is allowed in this forum! :)

I don't know whose alias is what -- have enough trouble keeping track of all my own aliases. Aliai? What is the plural of "alias," and does it matter?

Writing Feedback / Oh Spring! Where is your sense of humor? [5]

Ha ha, don't listen to Mustafa! He is mean!! :) No, that is not true... I see he put a lot of thought into the feedback he gave. Anyway, you asked for honest feedback, and I have noticed that the best honest feedback we have here comes from Mustafa.

For your writing, you certainly must be aware that you have a talent. When your friend said it seemed self-indulgent, it probably hurt, because writing is something you know you do well. The complexity of your sentence structure, the interjected phrases that mix it up like funky percussion, the imagery -- you have a large army of language under your control, so now you should study military strategy:

First, what is your purpose? Even though this writing is good, it is writing for the sake of writing, and that makes it less valuable and interesting than, say, if you were writing for a clear purpose. Whatever your purpose in writing turns out to be, I think you do have "what it takes."

Read Strunk and White
Read Stephen King's On Writing
Learn about neuro-linguistic programming (that is what I recently discovered, and I recommend it to many people who seem to be talented at writing.

So, is this self-indulgent? I guess if you are writing without purpose, you are indeed indulging in it. But that is not a bad thing. When your writing strikes other people as self-indulgent, it means that you seem to be being fancy for the sake of being fancy, sort of like showing off.

Stephen King DOES write for the sake of writing, but he is not fancy. I can't explain it, but I know that if you are serious about solving the self-indulgence mystery (something all good writers go through) read that book by King.

Essays / "Driving Under the Influence" - Thesis [4]

Yeah, it would be good to write things that are more specific. You could argue a specific point related to the broad subject: "Driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol is a crime for which the punishments should be more severe."

For the internships, you could write something more specific, too. It depends on what articles you read. You might find an article that says that internships give students unrealistic ideas about the field they are going into... and then you might read another article that says it is the ONLY way to have a realistic idea about the field... and depending on which article seemed to ring true, you would argue a specific, "narrow" thesis.

For the one about buses, you should say what city you are talking about, and then you will need to find out all about statistics... about when people have to arrive at work, etc.. That would be hard to find out!! :)

Undergraduate / SMU essay (took part in the victory) [19]

Can you change that to, "When we are old" ?? that would make more sense. And you can say: I used to obsess over that saying a lot.

Can you give it an origin? Where does that saying come from? I googled it, but could not find it. Do not just say you found it in your books, but instead say you heard it from your grandmother or something.

Then, you will have a very strong intro. This provides a great way to transition into the three achievements. I think Sean made an important point when he mentioned that you do not have to describe the achievements in detail, and you do a good job of keeping the essay moving along. They should allow more than 300 words for this! Tell them I said so. :)

At the end... can you wait until you are feeling really inspired and then go back and add 2 more sentences of reflection at the end? End with reflection about future achievements involving this school.

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Yes, that's right, and I have been thankful about it.

Graduate / 'It's time to start my career building' - review achievement essay [4]

Oh!! That's too bad! I really liked the first paragraph -- the honesty. However, the admissions person who reads this might not think the way I do, and I guess Sean is right!! However, it really is a cool paragraph.

In three months I had been promoted to Human Resources Manager (HRM). Thus I became the first person among my group mates who had gotten a job in a specialty before getting a diploma. And I was extremely happy to do the job which I always wanted to. My work was getting more and more interesting. I organized a range of very important HRM processes, initiated several long-term HRM projects, and took part in developing company's PR strategies. I felt like I was one of those people who brought the company up.

It is quite pleasant for me to realize that despite my youth and lack of experience, I was able to become a part of the new team, and to do my work with maximum responsibility and efficiency. So I consider my career at Qulix as my so far the most serious achievement, but I believe that I am capable of much more progress and I hope this is just a question of time.

Well done!! You do have some errors, but the important thing is that your intelligence shines right through the language barrier that you have almost completely overcome. Can you write a new introduction paragraph that tells about your fascination with people and your methodical approach to HRM? That would be great. You seem to have great potential. I hope I get to work for your company some day.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (Questions are a necessary part of life) [12]

I think a good way to thread all of that together, as Sean was saying, would be to refer back to the original quote that compared unanswerable questions to stones in the pocket that you have to carry with you. This has a lot of potential if you work on the organization, as was suggested.

Also, I am wondering with Tyler, what was the prompts question for this essay? Are you invited to write about anything you want?

She was just a year younger than I was, and we quickly went from instructor-and-pupil to friends; because of this, I was devastated when I finally discovered that this child a girl I had become attached to, had been diagnosed with leukemia.

I got rid of the part about having become attached, because it is better to focus on her instead of on you losing something. Good luck with this!! I can;t wait to see your next draft!

:)