Writing Feedback / eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), introductory paragraph [10]

No, it was not okay, because it came from a site that sells essays. It is against the rues to post material here when it appears on other sites, and if you do that we will have to suspend your membership.

All you have to do is read some articles about anorexia and write an original paragraph. It's as easy as talking! You can do it!

:)

Kevin

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

SO much has been written about it that it is easy to find information and examples. You should start by googling "global warming" and "controversy" ...

Oh, I just tried that, and there is a wikipedia entry for Global Warming Controversy. So, check that out. Then type "global warming" into Google Scholar or some database with articles. You can decide if you believe in global warming or not. Form an opinion as you read. Every time you read something, write a paragraph about it. You'll have a paper in no time!

Writing Feedback / Shopping is a necessity in our life [5]

Firstly, shopping is a necessity in modern life, because we need things: food, clothes, shoes, and so forth.

However, shopping would get too dull if it became my daily routine. I feel nervous when I can't find what I want. Sometimes shopping can be time when you feel relaxed , and sometimes you feel angry.

Secondly, I have to talk about looking after money. Sometimes I spend my money too quickly, but now I am trying spending the money wisely. I want to have money all the time, but I lose it quickly if I buy something whenever I have a lot of money.

... that if I spend all the money today, tomorrow I cannot buy anything.
Nonetheless everyone wants to be richer and happier. My family probably would be happier if we were very wealthy, but money is not the most important thing, and now we are living well.

At the end you should add one more sentence about shopping. :)

Undergraduate / Hospitality is a virtue passed down to me from my family; NYU sup 5 short answers [4]

I think you should type one instead of 1

I was glad that I did not waste my life away, indulging in my own comfort and leisure.

As the saying goes, "Do unto...

New York City, with so many of its many inhabitants committing suicide each year, needs someone to bring to it a more positive light. ---> Ha ha, the way you had written it, it sounded like you were saying that everyone in New York committed suicide each year! :)

This one about New York reminds me of a movie called "Pay It Forward."

...is a fantasy that many teenagers have entertained, and I was no exception. How about like this?

Again, I think you should type the word for numbers... instead of writing 3 subjects, write: three subjects

Good luck!!!!

:)

Research Papers / Looking for information on the modern culinary brigade system for paper. [6]

The thing that is tricky is to say something that is meaningful... if you have read a little about this, and it is still tough to create an essay, think about some original idea you have, some insightful observation. Even if your essay is only supposed to be expository, you can bring it to life by giving it a theme to make it interesting. Makes it easier to write, too...

Writing Feedback / Reading - My favorite subject essay [6]

In other classes I am always getting homework because of the slow pace the class goes at.

I feel like I am learning the most in my reading class because we get so much done. in class

Every day we learn about something different which keeps me interested because I am not reviewing the same thing over and over again.

Aside from the good advice from Guatama and Sean,...well, Sean hit the nail on the head, suggesting that it seems any class with that teacher would have been your favorite.

I think you mention the name of the teacher so many times that it seems like more of a tribute to Mrs. Parmer than an essay on your favorite class. You could say that because you have such a great teacher, and then in one or two sentences tell why, the reading class is your favorite. For example how does reading affect your life? What great books have you read that you might not have otherwise read?

Writing Feedback / Jame Joyce's Portrait [11]

The genre of the novel seems to be a coming of age story about the life of Stephen Dedalus.

Instead of simply making a book about himself growing up through those harsh times in Ireland, he uses a fictional character, perhaps an alter-ego even of himself to make the story more interesting.

How the Blindness and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man are similar are in the handling of quotes.

The novel starts out with Joyce's character Stephen as a child slowly beginning to blossom into a man who knows what he wants in life while facing turmoil in between his life.

This sentence (above) needs revising.

I was going through this looking for ways to help, but I think you could easily fix most of the grammatical errors by reading this aloud, then fixing everything that doesn't sound right.

Scholarship / Explain why you feel you merit consideration as an applicant for an award or scholarship [11]

Like most families, mine is struggling during this economic hardship.

My mother had to start working a second job as a tutor, and my father had to expand his painting business to include pressure cleaning just to be able to pay our mortgage.

Throw in work, friends and family, and college arrangements into the mix, and you've got yourself a handful.

a couple more minor tweaks, but is looking much better then the first draft.

:)

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Ha ha!! You are right! And that stuff about using a comma vs a period vs a colon, and the right way to do end notes verses the works cited... and in MLA and one other style the reference list is called Works Cited, but in APA it is called References, and in other styles it is called Bibliography... the different styles and their trivialities are very annoying, for sure.

Essays / King Lear. How To Write An Essay "the audience is sympathetic towards King Lear" [7]

Great advice here! Why are we sympathetic to any flawed characters? Character flaws are common. You might do well to discuss how he is similar to other classic, flawed characters that are nevertheless well-loved... and you might contrast him against characters whose flaws make the audience hate them.

Undergraduate / Degree at a good standing university - Rice Transfer (reasons I choose Rice) [5]

Can you take this sentence: I believe Rice's overall ...after graduation.

And make it your intro? That would be great. Make it your intro, and then elaborate on it now that you know what you want to write for the rest of the essay. Now that you know what you ar going to say, make a powerful intro paragraph that grabs the attention.

That is the best advice I can give!!

Writing Feedback / Essay to Compare your Two Teachers [10]

My English teacher and my Maths teacher are the two teachers who I admire most. They have many traits in common , but one striking differences between them also make impressions on me. Firstly, they are both ... my Math teacher often tells us a piece of funny story to help us relax when we feel tired or stressed. However, there is one unmistakable difference between them involves their attitudes toward our studying. My English teacher is very easy, he can easily forgive for our mistakes and remind us not repeat it. On the other hand, my Math teacher is very strict to us. He will never forgive us if we make mistakes. Once I got traffic jam and came class about ten minutes late, and he did not let me come in. He gave a rule that "no one can come in class after him."

Sounds like that teacher was serious about discipline!

Okay, try to use these suggestions to get better with writing. You communicate very clearly already!

Poetry / Neruda Poem, a reply to the author [5]

Ha, nice job. The first 5 lines are especially great. If your prof finds room to criticize, let him post his criticisms here for me to deride.

Your confident voice is well-supported, and the only thing that could cause you to lose credibility is the anger that the reader can sense... but the anger makes it great! If you have to do anything important, cover the anger, but for this poem the anger and confidence are great. Sometimes the prof has to just take respectful notice, because real art gets presented.

Writing Feedback / Castin Characters #1: Jim [8]

With your opening, I see how you are trying to set the scene... better to ...

History class, last period on Friday, and it was an unusual day, because no one was falling asleep.

Just my thought about it. Your way is cool...


This part... I think the tone of the essay is more compatible with ...didn't notice me because he...

"What if they catch you ?" I whispered nervously. "They won't.

Ha ha, this is very entertaining, and that goes a long way. You are charismatic.

Oh, I see good corrections by Tyler. Okay, try revisiting it and making it better. Make it the way that feels right to you.

Undergraduate / Why I Would Like to Transfer? - Common App [5]

I wanted a job that would truly challenge me and give me room to grow, and I realized that it was not going to happen without rethinking my life goals.

While attending BMCC I have learned what it takes to be a full time student, and I now feel ready to attend a four-year institute.

My eagerness to study has taught me that there is no limit to the amount of knowledge that can be gained, and one can never know enough.

Here are a few more small fixes, good luck in school!

:)

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Hey, you might like the author-date system of APA.

Citation can be like an extremely sophisticated conversation among friends. People who are trying to discuss some field -- from medicine to psychology to international relations -- if they are serious, they are all going to be knowledgeable about the current articles, advances, controversies, etc... so they have to refer to what is going on, who said what and when... you know, it's like, for people who are leaders in their fields and trying to talk to colleagues, communication would be sort of incomplete without citation.

Enter your chosen field and you don't write general stuff anymore. You have to refer to what is going on in your field. So, for every assertion you make, and, oh my god especially research based discussions... every other thing you say, you have to say what writer you are talking about.

So, that is one good thing about citation, in its defense! But I hate it, too...

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Well, that is how it is done in Chicago style and also Turabian, but you have to make sure that style is okay with your prof. Also, you would not just assign a number to each source, the numbers have to go in order. A few years ago, if you referred to the most recently cited source this way, you could write "ibid" to show that the citation is identical to the previous one... but that changed, I think, and ibid is not okay in Chicago anymore. Anyway, only do that if you know how to cite in Chicago. And only if the prof is cool with it.

Essays / Essay on two different shows and how they construct gender stereotypes [4]

Nice job Tyler! Thanks! Here is another approach: Tell how gender stereotypes are perpetuated in the first show by writing a paragraph about it. Then, do the same for the 2nd show. Then, compare them AND contrast them, which means to tell which is worse, how they are alike, how they are different.

THEN go back and write the intro paragraph. After all that, write the conclusion. Get inspiration from essays here at essay forum. Take Tyler's advice, too! :)

Scholarship / Explain why you feel you merit consideration as an applicant for an award or scholarship [11]

eight-year-olds

Okay, here is good, harsh criticism! :)

The whole first paragraph is sort of weak; let's not talk about the fact that you had ordinary little kid interests or even the choice between Drama and Marketing. Not important.

Plus, you confused me with this: Sports and Entertainment Academy's marketing class

Now, why do you merit consideration? Are you someone who is going to make a meaningful contribution as a result of being benefited by this scholarship? Is the decision-maker going to be doing something meaningful by choosing you over the next applicant? Give some specific career goals. Pretend you have to write your destiny right now, write your educational plan and a set of things to accomplish in life.

Also:

At school, despite my progressively worsening case of Senioritus, Don't tell them you have Senioritis, tell them you are immune to it! Senioritis is when you can't give a care any more.

I am an extremely hard-worker and persevere in anything and everything I do. (Show, don't tell. Give examples to show this, rather than saying it.)

I set goals for myself, and life would be incredibly dull if I did not have goals and values to live by. (does not matter if life would be dull. Stick to the point. Why do you deserve this scholarship?)

Living by the principles I have set for myself has made me who I am today. (What principles? Be specific.)

Being strong has pushed me through challenges I face daily, and (being strong does not push you; being strong makes you able. Passion for your interests pushes you.)

Market yourself, now, and try to write a draft of this that tells about your most promising strengths. Good luck!! I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / I made a decision that change my life completely; Why I Want to Transfer to Cornell [4]

Political instability and overall insecurity made me decided to follow in my grandparents' steps and move all by myself to Spain in hopes of a better life and better opportunities.

During my time in there, I learned how to adapt myself to a different culture, how to take all the responsibilities that come from living alone, and what is more important, how to motivate myself to never give up my goals even during hard times.

After a while, I realized that biology was not the right fit for me, and I found myself in a serious predicament; I had left everything that I loved to accomplish a goal that I didn't want to obtain anymore.

With a new goal in mind, I applied and was accepted in the architecture program of the Polytechnic University of Valencia, the Complutense University of Madrid, and the University of Granada.

But once again, fueled by my never ending search for the best opportunities and education as well as the chance to be closer to my family, I decided to make another crucial decision: moving to the United States.

Once in the Florida, I registered at the Broward College in order to obtain an A.A in Architecture with the main objective of testing my own passion for the field.

This new found motivation keeps me working harder every time in order to fulfill my new found dream: creating standing works of art where people can experience what I feel , when I see the work of Gaudi or Calatrava.

Now, after two years of design classes in the United States, my time in the Broward College is near to its end.

I know for sure that the school which taught professionals like Richard Meier and hosted professors like Buckminster Fuller, will be intensive enough for me to stay challenged and motivated, while the cultural diversity of students will continue the amazing learning experience that comes from seeing the world through someone else's eyes.

I want to go to Cornell more than any other school in the country because I know in my heart that it will satisfy my search for the best education and opportunities in the field.

My love for Cornell, and the reason why it has become my first option, is that at the end, my goal is not just to get a degree in architecture.

I want to keep studying and creating things because of the simple fact that I do not want to ever stop learning and improving; my goal is to become the best architect that I can be, and that is the direct consequence of realizing that I cannot imagine any other career that would fulfill my needs as architecture does, and I cannot think of any other schools apart from Cornell that would help me to achieve my goal of becoming a better person than my dad, even if I would be proud to being just like him.

It doesn't sound right to say the education would make you a "better person than your dad". You might sat "better educated," but a better person does not make sense.

Good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / In my own words: Why is a scholarship important to you? [5]

My interests and the choices I have made since I was young, make it was obvious that engineering has been on my mind.

I began thinking on terms of how certain things work, taking things apart just to see the how the mechanics work properly inside.

Every now and then I was able to figure out a way to build something better than it was before.

As I prepare for college I want to excel in the Mechanical Engineering degree so that I can progress further into my engineering dream.

Not only does a scholarship provide money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one.

Guatama had some good suggestions, and here are a few more fixes.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'unexplainable bond' - Burnett Honor College Essay for Entrance [4]

Plain is boring -- or so my mother thought. Stand out; be different; don't let your thoughts limit you; be creative. If my mother was anything during her life, she was creative.

See how I changed to semi-colons?

Also, consider moving this so that it is the first sentence fo the essay. You can move whole paragraphs around in this essay. When you do another draft, try the paragraphs in differen orders to see what feels right.

It is all good stuff. Can you talk about how you acted in certain situations based on her example, based on taking her lessons to heart? Oh, I see that silverystars also mentioned something about not being so general. Yes, tell the specific ways it effected you -- by using personal anecdotes. Use a few brief ones, not one long one.

good luck!!!

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - degree vs a positive contribution to society [5]

As a physician I will be able to not only help cure...

I moved "not only," do you like it better that way? No big deal.

This looks great, and it seems natural and honest. That is good stuff; i think it will make a god impression.

Maybe you will sound more realistic if you talk about wanting to find effective treatments for lung cancer rather than a "cure." In fact, maybe you should talk about cancer research in general. You might want to refer to an example of modern cancer research, just with a quick sentence, to show that you are actively learning. Here is one for your own, independent study that you do in addition to school work, because you know that is how to be a high achiever: clincancerres.aacrjournals.org/cgi/content/full/9/11/4077

Scholarship / Scholarship Personal Statement (my dream of becoming a doctor) [9]

Hi Christine, well the thing is... when asking for money it is good to get to the heart of the matter. I feel like this one is less-than-inspiring at the start, because right away it implies that she'll be able to do it either way, but it would just be nice to not have a big debt. And the obvious question is, "Why do YOU deserve special treatment?" So it makes me think it is better to 1.) give a clear plan so they know you are serious, 2.) burden the with the responsibility of knowing that you truly desire make a meaningful contribution as a physician and that your future depends, in part, on their decision with this scholarship.

As for "well-known territory"... I don't know, you might be right. It depends on how the admissions officer thinks, I guess.

Your post made me have the insight that it is relevant to talk about post-academic plans in this kind of essay only to the extent that you successfully convey the idea that winning a scholarship will effect post-academic plans.

If you don't need the scholarship, your post academic plans will be affected very little by whether or not you get it. But the way to make them give you the scholarship is to show that it will indeed make a difference, which is the whole point of a scholarship. Ideally, one's post academic plans should be of central interest in determining whether or not they should get a scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Essay on a personal challenge at school [5]

I felt like an outcast, but I had to deal with the situation at school. My challenge was that I was a sixth grader in a seventh grade math class.

How about like that? You have to catch their attention at the start.

I like your exposition of the situation, and it really shows that you are a good, serious student. The fact that you describe the difficulty you had keeps you safe from sounding like you are bragging. You seem to have done everything right!

Why does it seem like you have so many line breaks. I see 4 distinct paragraphs with a lot of line breaks within each. That first paragraph should be lengthened and you should give the "thesis," the moral of the story, at the end of that first paragraph.

Good luck!!!! Congratulations for your high achievement.

Writing Feedback / "Unexpected Change" essay [6]

"Pediatrician" is the U.S. English way... but "paediatrician" is the UK version, I guess. I was just googling it: thefreedictionary.com/paediatrician

Writing Feedback / Write a short story in which the central character is a rebellious teenager [6]

You are an awesome writer! This essay is interesting all the way through. Thanks for adding a little more pleasure to my day. I had two corrections to make, but Sean caught them.

Good luck with this!!!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / "Green Jeans" / "The love of my life" / "Fathers" - rhetorical essays (finals) [9]

No, it's about being able to identify with a certain disposition or sequence of thoughts. It's about capturing a little bit of your own subjective experience, that meaningful alchemy of past experience clashing against the present moment, and expressing something real about yourself without fear of having someone ridicule you out of sport.

Just like the big kid in high school likes to get in fights because it's what he's good at, the wordsmith likes to start arguments. That's why I told you, use your powers for good!

Mustafa is talented.

Undergraduate / Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ["My mind is like a open book"] [4]

With only a sixth grade education, he as a man who worked his whole life just to give some sort of comfort and security to his children. He was the kind of man to let his dream manifest and spread to others. He looked at all of us around us and I never forgot what he said, "

Education is important. It will be what makes you become more than a janitor or working in a fast food place." Those were my grandfathers last words, his last words of inspiration to me and my family.

What education does is to create something more for you.

Not only will I be able to grow and learn from many cultures and backgrounds, but also to be taught on the newest equipment and procedures created in cancer research.

My mind is like an open book. I need to be taught although it is open and willing to be shaped it must be shaped by what I presume for myself will be the best teacher and in this case your school shall be what is best to guide me onto the right path for my future.

Here are a few more fixes.

:)

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, goals for myself in the future [9]

Brilliant, you win! How excellent it is to see evidence that people with disabilities develop other abilities to compensate. You write at least as well as I do. This is the opposite of when someone is extremely athletic or extremely wealthy or advantaged in some other way - and they are made weak by their advantages. I wonder, if it were not for your 6th grade experience that put you in a wheel chair, if you would be able to write this well.

The material you want to add... you know, the best way to solve the problem is to wait til you feel inspired and rewrite it in different words -- different words for a different day. With every rewrite, things improve, so do another version! You certainly are capable of it.

I am so impressed. BTW the other thing to put in a conclusion is some EXTRA thought, perhaps an implication of the theses... something extra for the reader to be left with at the end.

For your fourth para, can you write about a specific resource at this school, or faculty member, that would empower you to write that??

Research Papers / The Psychological, Physiological, and Neurological effects of Marijuana and Cocaine Use in Humans. [34]

Mustafa,

Prof's do indeed dock points because of exceeding maximum page counts. However, not in all cases. Might as well ask him if it's alright. With a research paper, I think it is pretty weak for teachers to dock points for exceeding length, but it depends on circumstances. If it is for biology, the guy would have to give me a pretty good reason for insisting on a maximum word wound if he did not want me to think he is just to lazy to read it.

This needs some citations!! Is the prof okay with no citations??

Additionally, chronic bronchitis and cancer of the respiratory tract are probably a more common occurrence in heavy chronic marijuana users for the same reason they are more common in tobacco smokers. (those are very different-- too much to tackle in one sentence. "Like what reasons?" comes to mind, and the reasons are different.

How about studies showing marijuana to reduce tumor growth?

Even if your prof does not require citations, this seems useless without citations...

Totally irrelevant: It is great that you have command of language. Use your powers for good and justice, haha! I found while growing up that I got in lots of arguments and it was because I enjoyed doing something I was good at... but the end result was just... being in a lot of arguments.. For you, it would be great to learn the principles of neurolinguistic programming -- how to really make the most of verbal communication. Less is more, and you can really influence people's "subconscious" minds if you use your talent with the principles of hypnosis (i.e. Ericksonian indirectness, impact words, and other cool principles that I did not discover til a few years ago.

Undergraduate / SBU Essay - An Intellectual Experience [5]

When you say, "mounting the horse with a bizarre passion that was overwhelming in its sincerity," it sounds really weird!! I think ti perhaps should be re-worded, or, if important, should be better explained!! Certainly interesting, but explain what you mean! :)

...that it was so much more than we had expected it to be.

This can be much better if you chop much of the review (choose a paragraph to kill) and add more material about how this experience affected you in the future. For example, I would get away from the play review and talk about how the insight you got from the play became important afterward... so that it is about more than the play.. it will be about an ongoing experience that started with the play.

Can you put some time into eliminating extra material about the play? (You could actually kill 2 paragraphs that cover the play.) Write about how this intellectual experience affected you again in the future. Show how it resonated for a long time with you by telling of another experience that is kind of like an extension of this experience.

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Yes! I'm glad you said that. I think the same thing. I was only mentioning it to be helpful. She cites well!

Undergraduate / Commonapp short answer ("a member of track and field team") [5]

I have made very good friends there, and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something this significant and unique.

A few more little fixes.

Undergraduate / intellectual pursuit + a brief autobiographical statement [3]

Again, I frequently read books that were too advanced for me. One field that completely fascinated me was Astronomy.

Although I gained knowledge,this had a negative effect on my grades as I mostly read outside the syllabus. Predictably,my overall high school performance declined and I graduated with above average grade . Is this what you meant to write?

I was curious about software and hardware and wanted to understand the Science behind it.
A few weeks after I joined the computer class, rumors came that in the year 2000,all the computers would stop functioning.

You need to be more careful with your punctuation, especially leaving a space between sentences.

2. write a brief autobiographical statement that accounts for your present determination to continue your college education. Include any specific aspects of your personal experience and background, intellectual interests, and plans upon the completion of your studies.

Being the first born in our family,I was expected to share in the family responsibilities at a very age.

Throughout primary and secondary school,I was a hard working student and always managed to get the top position. I read ardently as I was curious about everything around me .

As a result,my overall academic performance declined and I managed to graduate high school with above average grade knowing it was not my best effort.

To my utter disappointment ,I realized I couldn't get admitted to local universities due to my high school grade,which is the only factor considered for admission.

Here are a few fixes for this one, but I think if you read it through one more time, you can iron out the little things like this.

Good luck in school.

:)

Writing Feedback / "Unexpected Change" essay [6]

I went for a check-up with my pediatrician who familiarized me with the fact that my blood sugar levels and cholesterol had risen just above their normal rates.

This is why I want to stress the importance of a one's health.

I began exercising every day and decreased my caloric, fat, and sugar intake and gradually decreased them even more as the months passed.

Many people still talk to me about their health issues and I am always more than happy to give them advice on with whom they should refer to or about any information I may have.

If more people were informed about their health and prevention, perhaps most of these surgeries and medicines may not be needed . Nutritionists, Dietitians , and other health related professions, which I plan to pursue, will make a great lasting contribution to the overall health of America.

Interesting topic but I think you should show more of a contrast between being at risk for diabetes, and then being unhealthily thin. And what specifically are you going to study?

:)

Undergraduate / UT Austin issue of importance! Taking a Stand: Activism. [6]

While these issues may seem disturbing because of how deeply the United States has fallen, the lack of people in communities around the world whom bestow attention on becoming active is just as disturbing.

This sentence (above) is way too long and confusing.

Famous people such as Gandhi, Ralph Nader, and Mother Teresa were all activists whose intentions revolved around peace and the
betterment of people.

The decision is ours.

A few more little tweaks...

:)

Undergraduate / 'Ensuring to learn all that I can' - Reason for Transferring Statement [5]

I hope to improve upon the business that my parents have built.To do so, I would need to transfer and earn my Bachelor's Degree in a prestigious college such as University of San Diego, which is well known for their excellent faculty.

Although I had previously placed work ahead of my education, I have since realized that I needed balance, striving for both scholastic knowledge and work experience that are both important for my future.

I will dedicate day and night to my education, not to strive for a letter grade or honor, but to ensure that I will learn all that I can during my time at University of San Diego.

At University of San Diego I would not only be able to study the business field, but I would able to experience it first hand through internship, applying what I know through my studies into real world application. University of San Diego would be the college of my dreams because it would provide the close knit atmosphere shared by both the faculty and the students.that I am looking for. You already said "the college of your dreams".

University of San Diego has an exceptional reputation of academic excellence and outstanding student services that sets it apart from other universities, and I would be proud to be a student at University of San Diego.

This is pretty good, but do you have a word limit? If so, and you're was over, you could almost do this with just the last sentence!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / " Would I fit in?" ;TRANSFER -UT Austin McCombs-SOP [3]

You are an excellent writer! You did a great job connecting the ending to your thesis statement. My only piece of advice would be to use a stronger first sentence, if you were going to college early, as it seems you are saying, make sure it is clear.

As for your second essay, what are you passionate about? (I really like the "Over Medication of America) As soon as you settle on a topic, I think the rest will come easily for you.

And we're here to help :)

Writing Feedback / Bank of America is a Great Employer - Argumentative Essay Need Suggestions [4]

In the year of 2008, Bank of America became "The Bank of Opportunity". Now ask yourself what does that mean exactly? Well as an associate at Bank of America I have experienced lots ofmany wonderful opportunities working for this company such as promotions and annual salary increases (even as high as 15%).

However, that is minimal in comparison to the opportunity I benefit from daily working for a company that provides the opportunity to be a satisfied associate year after year.

This (above) is way too wordy. Also confusing.

Some may disagree with Bank of America's performance as a company on the investment side, but as an associate, it has truly been an awesome ride.

I have always dreamed of being employed by a company where I can really grow to full potential and make a regular 9-5 job out of a stable career and be happy in the process. This sentence also needs revision.

Bank of America supplies me, as an associate, with everything I need to be successful.

These values are used to developed confidence in associates ability and as a team and helps create a positive work environment.

I am now enrolled in the on-site Toast Masters team and it has been extremely beneficial.

Associate satisfaction is always priority on the list regardless of the companies financial challenges or setbacks as an business.

Another great associate satisfaction perk is the bank offers varied work schedule options for students to have the flexibility needed to juggle work and school.

These opportunities give me everything I need to be successful in my endeavors and a loyal satisfied employee along the way.

Many companies have perks they offer their associates to provide a level of financial assistance for working families, however, Bank of America has proven to me and many of their associates that we as associates are not only the foundation of the company but the company also sends a message to every associate that success can be achieved by working together to be the best we can be. Sentence is way too long and lacks clarity.

When considering all the wow these wow factors, it will show that Bank of America goes above and beyond in raising the bar to satisfy and retain their associates.

Good advice from Guatama, and here are a few minor fixes and suggestions.

:)