Scholarship / Scholarship essay, person I admire (my dead Uncle) [6]

Hey, those are good thoughts... I was also thinking that this prompt is looking for info about YOU more than the person you admire. You might want to write the two parts of the essay (qualities you want to cultivate and qualities you want to eradicate) and then choose a celebrity, writer, or philosopher... anyone who is a good example of the qualities you are writing about.

Writing Feedback / If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes [7]

If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes because the punishment is not so bad if they get caught. More severe punishment of criminals might deter those who would consider committing a crime, and may even cause more significant and grave offenses. So I think the growing crime rate may lessen, if criminals get a bigger penalty.

Furthermore, for a whole community, it would be [. . .] established safety society.
I'm not sure what you are saying here, (above) do you think there should be greater punishment? Do you think that for young people or 'first time offenders' should get less punishment?

Overall, better communication in families and schools about doing the right thing and dealing with problems without resorting to crime, would be most helpful. It is also important to educate the criminals before they leave the prison. This is probably the right way cause a decline in the crime rate.

Does that sound right?

:)

Book Reports / Death of the Salesman - essay and creative writing [5]

I've had that book in my bookcase for years, now I'm going to have to read it, as I'm intrigued! It's cool that you two can help each other.

It appears that this is all original material, (above). This material doesn't appear anywhere else, does it?

:)

Graduate / Why our MBA program ? Why Now ? [4]

How about saying "Shell Corporation" for that first sentence, so that the reader is sure what you mean. I guess i think you could say everything from that first paragraph in one or two sentences. That means you can refine it by saying it with fewer words. Then it can possibly combine with para #2. Yes, combining those paragraphs would be great! Now it is nearly 6 years later, and here you are...

The rest of this is very strong! If you condense those first 2 paragraphs into one by eliminating unnecessary phrases and sentences... wait a minute, it seems like it actually would be hard to cut out any sentences from para #1... forget what I said! Just re-work the first sentence:

Six years ago, on my flight to London for an interview with Shell Company, I found myself sitting next to...

Like that. Later on, you can mention having completed the master's degree:

When I told him that I had recently finished my Master's degree and was in the process of choosing...

The rest of the essay is great... just fix that weak sentence at the start!

:)

Grammar, Usage / Persuasive Essay - the conclusion paragraph question. [3]

Oh, I recently had the insight that:

1.) The thesis is the core of the essay, a single sentence at the end of para #1
2.) The whole essay is that same idea in several paragraphs, and
3.) the conclusion paragraph is that same idea restated in one paragraph.

So #1 is the central message as a sentence, #2 is the central message as a whole essay, and #3 is the central message as a paragraph.

You can be a little free in the conclusion paragraph. Restate the thesis at the start and then give the reader more reasons to care. capture the important points you made throughout the essay, ut capture the in 1 or 2 sentences. Conclude with a call to action, perhaps.

Writing Feedback / Essay on describing a scene in my life (that last time i saw my friends) [7]

A cool wind blew into my hair, warning of a cold winter, and I shuddered in my grandmother's cherry red jacket. Raising my head up to the sky, I stared at each and every shining dot.

Hey, this is great!! You wield language well, and it is good that you start with a list of ideas. Now put some of these together into paragraphs, and perhaps make most of them the first (i.e. topic) sentences of their own paragraphs. Make these ten lines into 8-10 paragraphs, and stay focused on the moral o the story. What is the moral of the story? The stars are indeed always going to be there, and that is cool. Similarly, in anciant Chinese meditation practice the body was metaphorically called one's "family." When you use meditation to take refuge in the sacred body or in sacred nature, well... you never have to worry about losing those things.

Tell the moral of the story in para #1, and then keep with it til that cool star sentence at the end.

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

Ha ha, that is a great example of a "wrong way" from Sean. Ha ha, what if it was irrelevant and interesting? Then, I guess it would be okay, so long as you segue back to your topic...

All essays are the same, in a certain sense. They should be purposeful and rhythmic. In high school, you are supposed to keep essays purposeful and very focused, but once you attain some mastery you are allowed to digress -- like Thoreau, Montaigne, and all the other great writers.

In high school, it is best for your essay to be very focused, so I would say DON'T fail to state your main theme in a single sentence somewhere near the end of the first paragraph. Even with a narrative essay, you can have a thesis -- an underlying truth or, in this case, a moral to the story. In ALL writing, it is great if you can give the reader a powerful experience, so use energized, detail-oriented, colorful words that make a reader feel strong emotions and see images in their minds.

Book Reports / The Pearl Johnsteinbeck (thesis statement) [9]

Hello Logitech, please check out the forum rules again. I see that you pasted that content (used to be above) because you were trying to help, but we must avoid posting content from other websites.

Now, for the themes, they are all very different. However, perhaps you can make an argument for the importance of the role of agency, and say that you do not believe in fate. Argue a thesis that you can make a strong argument about. I see that those themes you mentioned come from Sparknotes, which is a great source for seeing the themes of a novel... So, take one of those ideas, add a little of your own ideas, and write a meaningful thesis -- perhaps a thesis about how a person can overcome the kind of adversity in the story.

Essays / The Significance of Setting in "Roselily" by Alice Walker [6]

Sean gave excellent advice, but also you might google the significance of setting in literature, and get a feel for it.

:)

Research Papers / Research paper on Commercials on TV (ideas). [12]

I get ticked off seeing the Lipozene commercials after seeing a news report months ago, that exposed them as being full of crap. The "institute" they mention, is actually someones house in Texas!

You can have some fun with this one.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Domestic Abuse (persuasive essay) [3]

Wow, Sean gives really excellent feedback. To me, and perhaps to other readers, this is a valuable piece of writing because it bears your soul. It's hard to be eloquent when doing that, so I bet you have a special introspective strength that will make you great for certain things. I bet you write great poetry... with this essay, it is just not good as a persuasive essay!

Er... this is a persuasive essay, so let's follow a strong format.

First sentence should grab the reader's attention. Say something unexpected and intriguing.

Next, end the first paragraph with a statement of the specific argument you are trying to make.

For a few paragraphs, support that argument with strong evidence.

With one brief paragraph, acknowledge the OPPOSITE argument and tel why it is incorrect.

Write a conclusion paragraph where you review the argument you made.

You know, your background is obviously a source of great strength and insight because of the way adversity leads to wisdom -- isn't it strange how an essay about this sort of background is so common because suffering results from alcohol abuse so commonly... you can't have your essay be common, so adjust that MAIN ARGUMENT to be unique and intriguing.

One more point: In a persuasive essay, you want to energize the reader and inspire him or her to adopt your view. That means tha you cannot drain the reader's energy by including unnecessary sentences. Cut out all unnhelpful sentences. The way to do that is to read the essay as if you had never seen it, and notice what effect each sentence has on you.

Cut,cut, cut! And refine that central argument so that it's clear from the start.

Undergraduate / Short answer for CommonApp (the Art of Observing) [5]

The Canon A560 I have, though, becomes familiar to me and its flaws have no longer been an inconvenience.

When I turn off the preview screen and put my left eye to the small hole with a magical concave mirror, the two become one.

It's when I get out the streets to imitate emotional pictures about poverty, homelessness and violence which I admire, but it turns out to be harder to click the button when the bad-side of life appears in front of me.

I turn to photoshop in hopes of changing reality, transforming guns into foods, blood into flowers. The hope grows inside me making me want to not only photograph the world but to change it somehow, in the best way I can imagine of .

17 years to almost observe rightly, I hardly know what my research of life will blossom into, the road I travel seems endless, but there's still a hope in me, a hope that the further steps I take will lead me where I'll become another deviance in my own record. "

This draft is much better, more "focused" so to speak. :)

Writing Feedback / How does Singapore compete with emerging markets in attracting FDI [2]

Singapore has an open and export-oriented economy

It is unwise to plan FDI strategy without taking trade into consideration.

The rise of emerging economies creates challenges as well as opportunities.

As foreign investors and MNCs will notice the changes in regional trade patterns , Singapore can benefit from the emergence of these countries by targeting FDI in sectors that are complementary to the comparative advantage pattern of China and India (eg, specialised professional services), especially as growth in such countries creates a shortage in such areas.

At the same time, Singapore should shrift away from FDI in labor -intensive or manufacturing industries that are threaten by their counterparts in emerging countries. Complementary instead of head-on competition should see a substantial change in Singapore's FDI pattern, but not necessarily a drop in total FDI. It will be easier to persuade foreign firms to invest in industries enjoying trade advantage; and MNCs will respond to Singapore's efforts in developing promising industries by increasing FDI.

The reduction of trade barriers between FTA members will boost the flow of intermediate inputs across borders and will therefore tend to increase direct investment by vertically-integrated MNCs (eg outsourcing certain part of the supply chain to Singapore).

Political stability, an efficient, but non-corrupted government, as well as a skilled workforce would also help Singapore to be an attractive alternative to emerging countries as FDI destinations.

You need to start with an interesting first sentence, an attention grabber. The first paragraph should be the thesis statement, summing up your essay.

:)

Undergraduate / 'System and education of Germany' - Essay for ohio state university [8]

Yes! And I think I have some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder about editing, too.

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Wow, Sean's response here is probably among the best explanations we have given about the way to write a good thesis statement. I will refer other members to this thread when they need to learn about the way to write a meaningful thesis statement for their essays.

Ferzana, if you are in high school maybe this sort of thing is new to you, so if you want a simple thesis that is debatable, perhaps consider:

Even though people disagree about global warming, we should still make it a top priority to reduce the amount of harmful emissions unnecessarily released into the atmosphere.

That might be easier to work with, but it is still a little too general.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to change careers? Medical Research to Nursing [3]

When asked about changing careers, normally I feel as though I am not changing.

Considering my current work as a medical researcher it is evident that my career is slightly shifting paths and the focus is changing from research to a more clinical setting in medicine.

There are a number of fulfilling aspects to research. One is having your hard work recognized in science publications.

My degree in biology and courses such as Anatomy and physiology help to understand the anatomy of the mouse.

Genetics is necessary to perform lab techniques such as Polymerase Chain Reactions and Chemistry to calculate dilutions similar to the pharmacological applications in nursing.

I've always felt compelled to work in a profession where I can make a difference in many people's lives .

Whether I am in a lab generating data to cure disease or saving lives in a busy ER; I will be helping people in the same capacity but different formats.

After several years as a researcher and the manager of one of the largest animal facilities at XXXX, I am at a pinnacle point in my life where my deferred dream of being a nurse can materialize. I was raised in an environment in which health care was a part of every day life.

This is a great essay, but you should add one or two powerful sentences to the end as a conclusion.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "How are you doing Mr. Salac?"; Person who Influenced Me [6]

I remember About two and a half years ago, when I was still a recruit fresh
from corps school, I used to hate going to work because of this nurse.

On a small piece of paper there was a bunch of words I have never heard before. They were medical jargon , chemical names and drugs.

After the report, he asked me which one I had trouble understanding and put it into words I would easily remember.
Months went by before I came to realize I had learned a lot.

The reasons they were sick and what we were trying to do to make them better.

It was no longer a burden but a challenge. With every "good job" and tap on the back, that hatred soon disappeared. We developed a good working relationship after that.

We eventually parted ways and continued with our careers.

There's something new to learn every day .

"Sometimes we don't need a push from someone to help us get through obstacles, but instead, we need that little pull as a form of resistance to challenge us even more."

I love this last sentence!

This is well written, good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'I became a quadriplegic and now must get around in a motorized wheelchair' - "Why attend NYFA?" [10]

I believe the powerful and hilarious stories that I have to tell will show that disabled people are more than a bunch of depressed, weak, do gooders, who feel sorry for themselves while mooching off the government because they have no ambition.

WOW!! This is SO much better! Great ending!

:)

Undergraduate / 'System and education of Germany' - Essay for ohio state university [8]

Germany is a country in central Europe. The territory of the Germany covers 357,021 square kilometers .

The population of the United States is estimated to be 305,739,000 million ofinhabitants .

Both Germany and the United States are powerful and rich countries, but however the United States of America does not possess the resources that Germany does.

The question is this; one: Is Germany setting a good example for the United States?
They are leaded by elected people.

There is also a president who is the commander in chief of the army and commands the country. Germany is the largest economic (economic what?) in Europe and the third largest in the world.

I started to fix some grammar, but you should take Sean's advice first, then re-post and we'll help you.

:)

Essays / COMPARISON AND CONTRAST PARAGRAPH - Savannah GA vs Roanoke AL [10]

... but presently live in Roanoke, Al. These places are different in several ways.

Hi! You wrote this very well! Now there are two things to do. First, give some similarities, because compare and contrast means to give both similarities and differences. I see that you said they are both beautiful at the very end, but give something more than that.

After that, can you add one or two reflective sentences at the end, sentences that are very thoughtful and give an insightful idea about why these places are different, or what it all means.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Education Through My Eyes [4]

How about like this:

The year 2008 was a critical year in my life and especially with regard to m y education.

Wow, this is so well written I have a hard time finding ways to help Here is one, though:

The work environment was good, and my supervisor really supported me in continuing my college education; he told me I could take some time during working hours to work on assignments and even change my working hours if needed.

You have an impressive and interesting story. Good luck in school!!!

Writing Feedback / Grammar check for AOI paper (political struggles in history) [3]

Our government, the political system in general, the liberty of every individual, and the independence of countries wouldn't be realities today if it had not been for the historical events that transpired.

Ireland has been such a country.

Demographically Ireland consists of...

It was mostly a religious and political conflict, a struggle over the question of who would govern Ireland in the future.

In county Tipperary, two policemen got shot to death in January of 1919, and this was a monumental event leading to the start of the Irish War of Independence...

Great paper!! I wonder, does it conform to the citation guidelines provided by the teacher?

Perhaps your teacher is expecting MLA documentation, and if that is the case you will need to revise the list of literature and the in-text citations...

:)

Essays / Where to Find good literary Criticism [5]

I found a lot here:

google.com/search?q=the+kite+runner+analysis

Essays / Paragragh about Comparison & Contrast (computer and typewriter) [7]

The computer is the electric device used most in the 21st century. If you use the computer you learn a lot, and how to use and how to make. but with the typewriter it is easy to use because it does not have a mouse. Both types of machine can make a letter. The computer is able to create any kind of letter with any color and change the font size of the letters, while the typewriter offers only upper-case and lower-case letters, all a single color. The computer is able to correct any mistake, but with the typewriter if you type a wrong spelling in the paper you need to use the correction fluid or eraser. In addition to the fact that the computer is able to edit the wrong spelling and grammar, it also enables the user to create computer programs.But with the typewriter you cannot edit the spelling and you cannot insert the sentences while the computer able to create any kind. The computer is a good electric for all people and we need to communicate in a powerful way .

Research Papers / Research based article - annotated bibliography, how to organize it [4]

This research-based article is a study...

You know, some people actually do like this kind of writing! It is like a very sophisticated way of learning information.

One-on-one interviews were conducted with ...

Although the article clearly illustrates the study's point about barriers to reducing restraints, it does not ...

Wow, you must have a good teacher.. You did everything right! Explaining the article, telling strengths and weaknesses, etc... it is very thorough. Excellent.

Graduate / Masters of Advertising - I want turn my passion about advertising into a career, not a just a job [5]

learning how to support various mediums...

Hey, this is a good anecdote about how Lazarus affected your confidence! USe commas for rhythm, and keep verb tense consistent, rock solid:

As a listened to her words, my dreams suddenly became plausible, and from then on I had new confidence achieving career objectives.

You write well, so you'll be good at advertising! With any luck, you'll also be able to put those skills to good use, perhaps advertising an organization that can improve the world (i.e. rather than just selling stuff and building brands). I'm impressed with your focus, and I bet the admissions person will be, too.

Undergraduate / INTELLECTUAL INTERESTS; 'I love to study psychology and learn about behaviors' [6]

Questions like, "Why are...

Questions like, "Why are some kids ' parents abusive when mine are not?" and, "How come if dad...

See that, above, you need a comma before a quote. And the first letter should be capitalized.

Actually, I think you should use ital. instead of quotes:

Questions like, Why are some kid's parents abusive when mine are not? and How come if dad...

Hey, pretty good! You answered all aspects of the question. However, I think you should mention social psychology at the start, so that the whole essay is about psych. Right now it's like you switch from psych to sociology and back again. Mention that your field of interest is social psych, because of this aspiration to be a teacher.

Undergraduate / NJCU Essay [3]

decided to visit various colleges and...

...schools online and believed that had made up my mind...

Hey, is that degree program called Early Childhood Education, or just "Childhood Education?" Be sure to get it right when you mention it.

I like your description of the "relaxed and focused" environment.

As I talked to a couple of students; I discovered the huge selection of majors that I can choose from if I attend NJCU. Get rid of this, because you should have seen the list of programs long before that... like Sean said, be convincing.

How about a specific professor from whom you'd like to learn, or a specific resource provided by the school? Make some room for some evidence that you are serious about your specific field of interest, and why this school is good for getting you into it.

:)

Scholarship / Short write-up on internship application Qn [7]

The title of a book should be in italics, not in quotes:

The New Industrial State

Quotes are for other things, like song titles or article titles.

Now, are you sure that you are interpreting the quote correctly? Does he mean "identification" with some sort of ideals of the organization? If so, cool. I don't know if you got it right, because I don't know the book. But make sure!

Hey, great answer. You did a good job of presenting your seriousness and enthusiasm.

Writing Feedback / Teachers should encourage their students to question everything - essay [5]

Because Students can ask questions to clarify doubts or to express their opinions, and teachers should promote this habit among their students.

Also,Another advantage is that lessons could be more interactive and less boring for students. I believe that encouraging students to ask questions is fundamental to getting them outthe most out of the class.

Because a student may not understand a topic completely, it is necessary that he asks questions about the points he does not understand.

Then the teacher resolves these questions that not only the student requires but also others students too. Therefore, the child has more insight on the subject that is being taught, and lessons become more interactive.

Both teacher and student interact with each other expressing questions or opinions.

In conclusion, I feel that encouraging students to question everything is a positive habit for students to develop . Teachers should see how students get used to question each thing and to express their opinion.

Hope this was helpful!

:)

Graduate / Letter of intent (RWTH Aachen University) [3]

Dear the admissions committee members:

Thank you for letting me introduce myself to you. My name is Pentol. I was born in 1986 in a Indonesia and will be getting ...

I then moved further by starting to work ...

One of my lecturers told me once about his recent project is building a wireless mesh network in a train.

Here is a page that tells you how to write "bachelors" and "masters" degree correctly.

hubpages.com/hub/How-to-write-the-term-bachelors-degree

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / U Michigan Setback essay ("departed from high school since graduation") [8]

I spoke a word aloud, but no one in my family answered me---they weren't back from work yet.

Today was the two hundred and sixth day that I had been out of high school since graduation, June 1st.

However, this decision led to undesirable consequences.

some inquired me, and some felt disappointed and thought this child was destroyed.Do you mean questioned me?

I was anxious and uncertain, but I was also determined to prove not only to my family but also to myself that I could achieve my goal.

I lacked textbooks, so I bought books from the store and borrowed literaturefrom the state public library.

I lacked teachers to ask, so I sat alone at home to read and reread the passages , and I also memorized hundreds of vocabulary words every day, from daily life words to literary words on Barron's 3500 word list, despite these words annoyingly haunting my dreams .

I feared laziness, like the experience I had on long vacations before, so I arranged a schedule that detailed from morning to night, including the "classes" I took every day, and I also set up alarm clocks on cell phone to wake me up on standard school time...

Suddenly do I realized that my electronic dictionary was left aside when I was reading, that I became no more stranger among native friends and they were willing to call me, and that I overcame the loneliness. I discovered the unique but right path to sail forward.

The ring bell of my cell phone pulled me back to the blackout. I picked up the phone and opened the door.

So do my life. This doesn't make sense here, you need to elaborate.

Here are a few grammatical fixes, but your essay is a lot better!

:)

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: education and experience at OIT and my goals. [3]

Oh, here is some very important advice: change the beginning to say "perfectionism" instead of "perfection." It sounds, at the start, like you're saying your life has been perfection, which sounds conceited. I know what you really mean, though. Perfectionism.

Throughout my whole life, I have been...

Strive for efficiency, for powerful writing:

After deciding that I wanted to do something other tha n else aside from designing ...

I say you should try to revise for conciseness, and also try writing a paragraph that will really inspire the reader, really apeal to his or her emotions in some way. Write about a passion related to some aspect of your educational program, something to which you apply perfectionism... make perfectionism the result of passion for your field of study. Impress the reader with your focus and drive toward success. If you make perfectionism your theme, you need to mention it in the last paragraph, or at least continue the idea somehow. The way to write well is to stay focused and eloquent.

:)

Undergraduate / U of Michigan Short Answer - Diversity, engineering [5]

Well, strictness about word count ends up being a personal decision made by the person reading it. Some people are methodical thinkers, and they judge you based on how accurately you meet each aspct of this challenge -- including word count. Other people are creative, so they have little patience for trivialities like word count. The long and short of it is that somebody will be judging you based on this, so you can never be sure!!!

Anyway, the quote is good, so include it if you want to. MAny students make a mistake by including a quote that is not quite right for the occasion, but this quote is good. However, in general, I think i is better not to use quotes, because after all this thing is supposed to show something about you...

In answer to your question, yes, I think you can do without the parts I struck out. That'll give you some room! :) You write well! Just try to make it so that this essay is about one specific experience at a specific point in your history.

Writing Feedback / Essay About Malcolm X [3]

After the collection of a great number of words, he had no problem understanding books, and thus he began to devour books as fast as he possibly could.

In addition to the desire for knowledge, he was also motivated by many erudite people, such as Bimbi and articulate debaters.

Perhaps the biggest difference between how Malcolm and common people read is that Malcolm enjoyed reading and he could spend all his time with books, as he said,"Let me tell you something: from then until I left that prison, in every free moment I had, if I was not reading in the library, I was reading on my bunk."

He copied all the content from the dictionary, and reviewed itevery day .

From all the knowledge he had taught himself, he was influenced by the history of Africa, the black people in America, and how white people "whiten" the history, which eventually made him a great public speaker as well as a fighter for human rights.

The other way, it sounded as if he was fighting human rights!
:)

Graduate / Help in choosing a topic to write about (significant issue in education) [6]

Overdiagnosis of learning disabilities, the importance of early education, the pros and cons of standardized testing...

Undergraduate / Penn State - career goals and personal statement - (aspiring engineer) [3]

For the first one, that very first sentence is awkward! Actually, the first two sentences should be cut, so that you start with, "It was pretty impressive to...

Problem solving skills and finding innovative ways to solve problems, after everybody else has gotten stuck, are some of my traits that I take pride in, and one way to improve these skills, is through engineering study.

In the second one, let's get rid of the word "Personally." Also, you can use "enabled" in one of those places where you said the band "allowed" you to do things...

And how about this:

My most important activity, and the one in which I take the most pride, would be...

Your cool personality shows in the essay. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / About My thesis statement!(USC TRANSFER) [4]

I like the first one offered by Levin. Levin, please check out the EF Contributor Page!

Success in what? this will be more powerful if you make it more specific... what kind of success, or why? Add some specificity! :)

Essays / The methods of argumentative essays [9]

Hi, argumentative papers are great if they state a strong case, give several pieces of good evidence, tell why the evidence is important, tell why we should care, and then acknowledge the argument that would be made AGAINST your argument (counter-argument) and refute it.

Keep the reader's attention with powerful words!

Undergraduate / Indicate how you first became interested in SLU [5]

Use quotation marks, like this:

"In which state are you going to study next year?" my guidance counselor aske d.
"Whichever gives me enough money," I replied honestly.

Yes , living in a middle-class family of a poor country, I don't...

Hey, I agree with Marcell about the need for a more meaningful reason... perhaps the great rank was what led you to research the school, and when you researched it you found... what did you find? Look at their website and see what great programs or resources make this the prfect school for you? I see that you soccer coach is someone who will be good to learn from, but is there anything else?

This really is a great essay, it kept me reading! It could use a conclusion sentence, though!