Graduate / Challenging Relationship at work - Wharton Essay [5]

...it was time to bring our CEO up to speed about what we had done and what we planned to do.

See, Eric was an idea guy, not so great at execution.

Based on our experiences together, I couldn't convince myself that he would actually execute on what he was promising our CEO.

I could see a bit of shock in his eyes.---You said, 'Eric called'... so you should say you could sense his shock, as you wouldn't be able to see it over the phone!

I also agreed to help Eric in whatever initiatives he decided to implement.

...co-workers and superiors, when necessary, and help drive many impactful projects at Company X.---I'm not sure 'impactful' is a word, you might want to check on that. But your essay is interesting and well written, also, nice answer to the prompt.

:)

Graduate / Graduate Studies in Architecture - Statement of Purpose [4]

I have not always wanted to be an architect; at least not exclusively.

As a child I had dreams of being many different things, such as a doctor, lawyer, or architect.

...preventing the confrontations between architect and engineer that, too often, hinder innovation and the betterment of our environments.---This is a really good point, I know there are often conflicts between the two.

UCLA, with its forward-thinking attitude, interest in cross-disciplinary and progressive education, and relation to the unique urban core of Los Angeles is a fine choice as the source of further intellectual and practical development.---This sentence alone should get you in!

Great essay, very well thought out and written. Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Spearfishing-Help with narrative-UCF essay [4]

I think it fits in with both #2 and #4. Especially #4, as it shows a person who is adventurous, appreciative of nature, intelligent, unique, somewhat worldly, and a great writer!

Undergraduate / "Dean Kamen happened" -draft of personal statement. [6]

I reached my palms out, by then glistening with nervous perspiration, to tug at the wires once again.

My friend took the longest nail his clammy hands could find and raised his hand in a stabbing motion, as I watched in horror.

Perhaps I believed that I could create my own Iron Man with the scrap metal pieces and tangled mess of copper wires.

Whatever the reason, a large percentage of my "experiments" were nothing short of fiascoes .

The massive amount of metallic trash accumulated through years of craziness underneath my bed bore witness to it.

Technology was for rich kids to purchase, and for tech firms with millions of dollars in funding to produce.

The middle class and the extremely poor were left entirely out of the equation.

Why then should we care at all about science, or so I thought.

Browsing through the few channels we got , I stumbled upon a man showing strange robots dance.

It was pretty cool, b ut what really got my attention was the work he had done with them.

I like your essay so much! You're an excellent writer. Good luck in school and have fun in all you do.

:)

Undergraduate / "strengthen me both physically and mentally" - WHY DUKE ESSAY [5]

The first thing I notice, is that it looks like you say 'Duke' a hundred times, and you do not capitalize the word.

Apparently, the guyA man came to my school as a volunteer and was teaching us biology.

His teaching methods were quite different from that of our regular teachers.

He always stressedon the need for research and tended to engage us in research by awarding points when one did an awesome research work.

... saying that it was something he learned during his studies in duke.

That was where my dream to be in duke suddenly emerged .

My research about duke revealed a student to teacher ratio of 1:11 and this will offer me the opportunity to interact with staff and this will help me get a better understanding of certain subject areas and also myself.

...a place where I can develop my medical talents as well as other talents inherent in me.---I really like this ending!

Good luck in school!
:)

Undergraduate / Spearfishing-Help with narrative-UCF essay [4]

I saw my prey, three bicolor parrotfish poking at the coral, looking for food.

I took a rapid breath, descended slowly and made my way towards the fish.

Quietly, stalking the fish, I pulled back my pole spear -waiting.

The less movement you make in the water, the less vibrations surrounding fish sense, and the closer you can approach your target.

You have to know your fish and your environment , though.

Parrotfish, in this area, do not meet too many spear-fisherman .

You do not want any unwelcome sharks smelling your catch and I was nearing the drop off.

I strung the fish through the gills onto my stringer where his two new friends were waiting, and I went back to the surface for air.

I enjoyed reading your essay, as my dad was a diver and I love everything having to do with the sea. If you want help to brighten the scenery or 'feel' of your essay, or future essays, a good rule of thumb is to go through your senses one at a time; what colors were the fish, the coral? Could you hear the bubbles, etc.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Growing up in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (educational mix and diversity) [2]

My family noticed me invest in a variety of cookbooks, offering different cooking techniques and recipes.

After some time, I earned a job as a food preparer at a local five star restaurant, The White Barn Inn, where I have been creating five star dishes.

I later discovered that being a chef was not suitable for me.

I read The Great Gatsby, A Farewell to Arms, On the Road, and many more, and I absorbed a great deal of information about writers and writing styles.---I made one sentence out of these two to make it flow better. You can change it back if you want to, it would still be okay.

By reading just one book, I always learned something new.

Growing up has changed what I am attracted to and even my appearance.

Yet, what I have acquired in skill in will be with me for years to come.

You're an excellent writer, because you're also a reader. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence 150 word supplement [2]

As a survival instinct born of a child's self-preservation and the long-standing habit of judging the moods of others, the practice takes hold as easily and familiarly as setting pen to palm. ---I don't understand this.

My lungs rose in peace and my throat sung with relief, in breathless swells, crestfallen chokes.---You are an excellent writer!

One word, shaped into coherency by my lips, told of David's performance on the harp before King Saul, of Samson's defeat at Delilah's treachery, of a broken Hallelujah whispered. The chord rung with tears in C Major, unafraid:

"Stop."---Oh my God, I just had to read this over and over, there's a rock in my chest, I think. This is amazing.

I don't know if I'm allowed to write, 'oh, holy crap', so I won't, but wow, this is powerful writing.

good luck with school, have fun, keep writing.

:)

Undergraduate / (financial aid awarded by the college to foreign students) U of Chicago supplement [5]

One of the various factors, and the most important of all,which affects my choice of colleges is the financial aid awarded by the college to international students.

Having searched for colleges that offer a full financial aid package to International students, all the results yielded were 6 colleges, all of which are Ivy leagues, however I wasn't comfortable with idea of being limited and restricted to only Ivy league colleges .

However, a new door was opened when I stumbled upon and found out about University of Chicago,...

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / "the unemployment crisis" - issue of local, national, or international significance. [3]

Many experts agree that we are on the cusp ... ---'downturn continues to rise' sounds a little bit funny...just sayin'.

...not only me personally, but ...

... a natural disaster, which ...

... at 9.1%, and this number ...

... may only worsening conditions ...

You're an excellent writer! I think you have this essay pretty much covered, except for saying how the current situation affects you personally or locally. Good luck in school and have fun. Keep writing, you're a natural!

:)

Undergraduate / "surmounting the task" - Common App: "Evaluate a significant experience" [2]

I looked at the small glowing object in my arms, in awe of the fact that I'd had a hand in its birth.

As a child I was conditioned by my parents to study hard in school because the nail-biting stress and sleepless nights I endured as a teen would inevitably lead to a successful future. However, when I grew older, I was hesitant to believe their favorite maxim to be true. As the anxiety of one exam subsided, the anxiety of another took its place, and the cycle seemed never-ending. I did my best in spite of my apprehension, although my foundation shook as I made the grades but reaped none of their benefits.

The next three weeks were pure bliss and utter anguish.---Nice sentence, I like the way you put this.

... stage lights were set aflame and my limbs began to recount the story of my pain, my anxiety, and ultimately my determination .---This is such great writing! You have a very interesting way with words!

The paragraph I left in red is one I think you can leave out, as it doesn't need to be there. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Family history, culture or environment influenced you, how? - 'family and money' [2]

Things haven't always been that easy, but as a family we have learned to have faith and patience.

Life is never a smooth ride.---Maybe it would sound better if you say "...is almost never a smooth ride"?

Money was definitely tight, but we learned to manage.

My father's leaving did affect me quite a bit ,---I changed this because it said 'a lot', and it seemed repetitive, seeing you had written it in the previous sentence.---- but it did teach me to be independent and to rely on no one but myself.

Also, his leaving has made me want to prove to myself that I can succeed in anything that I set my mind to.

I study hard in order to get good grades, I volunteer in the community whenever I can, and Ido anything in order to get good scores ---I think you covered this at the beginning of your sentence!

...on both the ACT and SAT and all to be able to get as many scholarships as I can, to get into an amazing university.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Essays / (create a compact disc) Song title for global history, odd assignment [3]

This sounds hard, but I can see the potential for fun, also. Maybe if you figure out what type of music your CD will have, everything will fall into place. For example, if you go with rap music, you'll have an idea of what to call the songs. How about;

1. daddy was a nomad
2. can't domesticate my woman
3. culture shock
--------------------------------

You could make it a CD of love songs;

1. I will hunt and gather you...ok, that's lame...
2. When you love a neanderthal
3. The latitude of your attitude
4 The empire of my heart

Have fun with this! Figure out the song titles first, then the rest will fall into place.

:)

Writing Feedback / Neolithical Agricultural Revolution (change to society) [5]

Yes! Did you see the humor there?

Writing Feedback / Neolithical Agricultural Revolution (change to society) [5]

Throughout time, there have been many important nonpolitical revolutions.

These revolutions have changed accepted ideas in areas including agriculture, settlement and science.

The Neolithic Revolution brought us out of the Old stone age, a period when humans were hunting and gathering nomads.---This sounds a little funny; .."when humans were hunting and gathering nomads"...just sayin'. :)

Their manure proved to be a useful fertilizer, and still today is the preferred plant fertilizer.

Also, animals such as the horse, cow, and ox were used to pull plows.

This allowed greater areas of land to be plowed much faster, itand also allowed thicker, and rockier soil to be farmed.

... this revolution, something that is a large part of our culture today.

Well written and a great ending! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / GRE: As technology becomes more and more advanced.. people rely on technology [5]

As technology becomes more and more advanced and prevalent, people become more
and more reliant on technology.

With more powerful computers and softwares, people do
become a bit less capable of thinking for themselves of some aspects of a problem.

However, this does
not mean that the thinking ability of humans isdeteriorating nor will it any time soon.

The current form of technology which aids thinking is mainly software. We use softwares for multiple purposes, such as text editing, making financial reports, calculating strength requirements for a car.

Almost all introductory programming lectures will always mention an acronym: GIGO. GIGO stands for
"garbage in, garbage out".

But these two examples have one common aspect: humans always do the thinking and input their thought to the gadgets.---Good point!

Nice essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Graduate / "evolving discipline" - UF Health Education [3]

For some people, choosing a career path is an easy task, knowing from a very young age they are destined to become an astronaut, a doctor, or actress.

An instructor from one of my teacher education classes, who is a PhD Professor, School Principal, and has been an educator for 40 years, pulled me...

Unable to find a career at the current time as a K-12 health teacher, I am not feeling called ---Is this what you meant to write?--- to become a college professor ...

I am currently employed by two traveling work site health education companies.

I also plan to take my graduate degree a step further by earning my PhD and becoming involved in Health Education research pertaining to collegiate health.

Your essay shows dedication, maturity, passion, and that they'll be lucky to have you as a student.

Good luck with school.
:)

Undergraduate / "to live the best life they can" - Extracurricular Activities or Work Experiences [3]

I take much of what I have for granted.---How about, "I have always taken much of what I have for granted; my ability..."

My experience at Camp Sunshine though,has opened my eyes to another perspective on life.

They are prisoners within their own bodies, not defined by their disabilities but still shackled by them.---Wow, this is a very powerful sentence!

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / "building relationships with my patients" - PTCAS Essay 2011 [2]

My decision was only strengthened as I accumulated more volunteer hours in various settings.

I not only learned how much not only is a therapist able to impact his patients, but how the patients are able to impact the therapist.

I've found that all of these traits fit my personality very well.

I am able to actually visualize myself as a successful Physical Therapist in the future, whereas other careers...

I feel that through Physical Therapy I am able to do this while leading a fulfilling, interesting, and challenging career.

Not only were my volunteer experiences motivating factors for me to pursue a career in Physical Therapy, but my college courses have also provided motivation.

Courses such as anatomy, physiology, kinesiology, and exercise physiology have granted me with an appreciation for the human body and how it works.

Great essay! It shows that they'll be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Essay for experience@singapore why I want to participate in this programme, how to? [8]

A hundred and fifty words is not too hard, you can do it! Start with a strong first sentence, then just back it up. What is the main reason you want to be in this program? When did you become interested in it? What have you done like it? How will it benefit you in your future? Write anything, then send it back here and we'll have a look at your essay and help you along. Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Mother for hard times and everyday events -Someone who has had an impact on your life [2]

There is always one parent that you seem to have a stronger bond with, and for me, it was my mother.

My mother's competency in helping to develop and enhance my life has truly...

When I was a young boy, my father and mother decided to split, for reasons that are still unknown to me to this day to this day.

I anticipated with fear of what would happen next.

As time went on, the clashes became constant and the bills were accumulating.

Even through the weighty hardship she was enduring and the emotional pain that she was going through, she continued to support and motivate me to do well in school.

I would go to my assigned drive times, but every time I drove, I would make careless and idiotic mistakes, which the driving instructor couldn't seem to help me with.

My mom hearing about this, decided she would take it into her own hands.

This may seem like a little event to most, but it just made it even more coherent that I can always rely on her, whether the issue is big or small.

What a wonderful tribute to your mom! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "To improve my life and become a successful, thriving individual Personal Information [2]

To understand, one would have to understand the demographic(S)? --- of the area in which I was raised, the area that points to either a lifetime of working at the BP Chemical Plant or getting stuck in some other manual labor job.

Most people that grow up where I come from never get to experience these things, and as for me, I began feeling...

I believe that the first step in my journey towards seeing all of life's grandeurs begins with going attending Texas State University and experiencing all it has to offer.

...has impacted me tremendously and has been the second most driving force in my decision.---What was the first?

Going to Texas State, would make both my family and myself proud, which...

This truly rocked my world and took my life down a path I never saw coming.

That question continued to bother me until one day when I was crushed between a steel beam and a street sweeper and extensively injured my back.

She said I could stay with her until she left for college in the spring, and then, doing more than she had to, started telling me of how I should also make the necessary arrangements to make my education possible.

Your essay is well written and shows a lot of intelligence, sincerity and heart. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Illustrate your diversity - how to smoothen a risky/unconventional common app essay! [3]

Hillsborough, NJ: 5 A.M. Eastern Time: It is a chilly, sleep-inducing December morning during Christmas break.---I'm already enjoying this, thank you for not writing a boring essay!

Still yet , I don't even have access to a heated swimming pool.---Still and yet are kind of the same thing, so I took one out, but maybe it will be better to start the sentence with the word 'I'.

...forget everything but the divine sweetness of sound alone.---Oh, you're an excellent writer!

My short, chubby self sitting on the floor, fidgeting with his toes as his teacher, Pandit Jasraj (or "Sir"), attempts...

I, on the other hand, have left the soothing, musical waters of Hindustani to tell my tale and must now return.---What an awesome ending!

I don't know what you're studying, but please keep writing. You have a natural talent and your words flow like the music you describe. I was drawn in by the first sentence, and wish your essay was 500 pages long. Believe me when I say I've edited almost two thousand essays since I've been doing this, and have never said that to anyone. As essays go, this is a breath of fresh air. As for writing, see you at Barnes and Noble.

Good luck with school!

:)

Writing Feedback / CLEP essay "Teachers are responsible for motivating students". [3]

The extent of the motivation and the expected outcome should be considered.

Finally, the individuals' needs and limitations could be looked into.

Although this method may have kept many children on task in the class, it would hardly be approved of in today's age .

On the other hand, all fun and no work may keep a students' interest, it certainly is the teachers responsibility to keep the focus on the task at hand, namely the curriculum.

The lessons that are expected to be taught also play a role in the atmosphere of the class and the teachers' ability to motivate the students in their charge.

We would not expect first grade children to studiously study the electron configurations of the elements as we would also not expect a college student to repeat the alphabet numerous times. ---Good point!

As I mentioned, we would not expect a first grader to study electron configuration nor a college student to find the alphabet of interest. ---You already said this!

Teachers are responsible for motivating students to learn. To what extent you agree or disagree? --I don't think you clearly answered this question!

:)

Undergraduate / "An interest in History always grows."--Undergrad essay [5]

"History has been the blood rushing within our veins that gives life support and reason for people to continue embarking on a better chapter of their lives.---I'm pretty sure the word 'on' should be in there, but not positive.

My family's past came into mind as I realized the blood, sweat, and tears my own great grandmother had to go through to survive in the war.

Before our departure, I researched the history behind Israel within many of its historical sites in order to learn how my roots are connected to the past .---Maybe this would sound better if you write 'how my roots are intertwined with Israel's past'.

I came across the University of Iowa for its unique history department.---How about, "I became interested in the University of..."?

This is pretty great actually!
Good luck with school!

:)

Graduate / PhD in Biology/Biomedical Sciences..a brief draft [5]

I'll be on the lookout for it!

Undergraduate / 'customs and personas' - Duke a good match for you essay question [3]

This characteristic, which ranges from one's ethnic background to one's unique laughter,---I love this!!

On the other hand, I have been raised in a tight-knit community, which has partially blinded me to the variety of customs and persona's that lie beyond my hometown.

However, as I persistently continued to look for a college that possessed authentic diversity, I came across Duke University. Being a university that is prominent for and encourages its diversity, Duke will alleviate my desire for diversity.---You use the word 'diversity too many times in these two sentences! A good rule of thumb is to read your essay out loud to yourself, see how it sounds.

... I would be one of the select few who are genuinely enriched by Duke's numerous opportunities.---This sounds very bad! You're putting down the other students and don't even know them! Not saying much for the school, either!

What do you want to study?

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / In order to success, you should be more or different from others? [3]

Nevertheless, as for me, I think it is better for us to be different from others than to imitate others in order to succeed.

To begin with, innovation leads to success .

As we all known , Coco Chanel is famous for her fashionable clothing and styles .

Women were limited to wear luxurious but inconvenient dresses, and ...

While others were considering how to design beautiful dresses so as to succeed just like some well-known designers, Coco designed the first pair of pants.

This novel design caught a lot of people's attention and became wide -spread and popular among women.

Moreover, the situation varies from one person to another, which means anothers way to success may not suit your condition.

For instance, Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin and succeeded.

Last but not least, we can find better ways than others when it comes to seekingfor success.

We should think comprehensively rather than follow others ways .

For example, there is no need to imitate Bill Gates and drop out of school in order to start a business career.

I didn't know Coco Chanel invented pants!! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Letters / Statement of Interest for a Research Apprenticeship (Bone structure and composition) [3]

I'm curious about the intricacies of bone structure and composition, especially in relation to calcium homeostasis.

My fascination with bone comes from, in part, an introduction to human nutrition course, where I learned about the importance of the flow of calcium ions into and out of bone and the vital hormones that maintain blood calcium. ---This sentence is so long that it is hard to understand. If you change it around a little, and perhaps make two sentences out of it, it'll sound better. For example; It was during a Human Nutrition course, that I first became fascinated with bone structure. In this class, I learned about the importance...

Having a general understanding of the processes of bone formation and resorption and the functions of bone cells, I would like to explore through images, the complexities of bone in the human knee.

I also find this study to be personally relevant, being someone with a high risk of developing metabolic bone disease later on in life.

I think you should begin with the second sentence! Sometimes I tell people to scrap the whole first paragraph, but here, the first sentence is enough. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / My mom screech "SMOKE!" - bump in the road, UCF 2011-2012 Essay [4]

I think you could make it stand out more by writing something about, say,...the severe depression you went through after losing all your stuff, things that were important to you, how your mom was so depressed after losing all the family photographs, having to move, etc. They won't know if you embellish! :)

Graduate / PhD in Biology/Biomedical Sciences..a brief draft [5]

I think it reflects more motivation, maturity and seriousness than most essays I've seen! You do not sound pompous at all, just very intelligent and dedicated.

Undergraduate / Choosing Topic about meaningful Event (University of Florida Application) [5]

Wow, both of these topics would be great to write about, but I think the first one would be better only because you could do so much with it, like describing the country, customs, dress style, how your relatives lives are different from your own, what you have to be thankful for, etc.

Hmm, now that I think of it, the other topic would be great too, because you can tell how you became self sufficient, independent, had to learn good study habits, etc...How long does your essay have to be? If it's long, go with the first subject. If it is for a short essay, the second. I hope this was helpful! I look forward to reading whatever you write, as they both will surely be interesting!

:)

Undergraduate / My mom screech "SMOKE!" - bump in the road, UCF 2011-2012 Essay [4]

The first thing I remember was the loud and obnoxious incessant shrieking of my house alarm.

I decided to get up and explore the noise.

As I roamed around the downstairs of my house looking for signs of trouble, I looked---Stay in the same tense...if you use 'roamed', you need to change 'look' to 'looked'...know what I mean? You can't switch back and forth.--- up to the second story of the house and simultaneously heard my mom screech "SMOKE!".

It sure did put things in perspective though, as I went to school the very next day out of uniform because all of my clothes were either burned or covered in smoke.---Or ...'smelling like smoke'.

My family and I were told we had to be displaced for at least 1 year so that reparations could be made to the scorched upper half of our house.

The medium-sized apartment we were in temporarily was about ⅓ of the size of our normal house.

The period following the fire became a moment of epiphany for me in realizing what was was important.

I also started to mature and become more aware of the key role my grades would play in my future.

Make sure you leave a space between sentences. Sometimes you forget. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Writing and Me" Common App draft personal essay [2]

They aren't friends in the literal sense, but friends dreamed up by my imagination while lying in bed, thinking about the epic adventures I could have if I didn't exist in reality.

I've had several ideas for novels during this bedtime ritual, but Alex and Jack are the only one that have stuck with me through the years.---Should this say, ..'are the only ones who have...'?

...and most importantly, I use my dedication to them as a testament of how much I can accomplish if I put my mind and some effort into it.

My dream is to use words to encourage and inspire others to follow their dreams and fight for their own chances at life.---I think this should say 'in' life.

Whether it be a blog post, a research paper, or Alex and Jack, writing is always a path to discovering who I really am.

It's cathartic as it allows me to explore the depths of my mind without going in circles; it gives me a beginning,...

The world opens at my finger tips, and finding the answer could only be only a couple of words away.

... that I needed to find myself in this large and unwieldy world. ---I love this!!

Awesome!! Good luck in school, have fun and keep writing!

:)

Graduate / Cross Culutral Experiences Essay - LBS [2]

In 2002, when I left India to pursue an undergraduate degree in Canada, I was little aware...

At first the sudden change seemed unprecedented; however as I made friends from different countries, I realized that many others, like me, were learning to cope with this new-found independence and the associated responsibilities.

My interactions with students from the Far East taught me to respect their courage in coming to study in a foreign country despite facing strong language barriers.

I learned from my South American friends...

Such enriching interactions with a diverse set of individuals helped me effectively offset the issues of adaptability and preserving one's own cultural identity .

Finally, I believe that every culture is unique but the possibility...

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / "communication skills and more" - PTCAS admissions (physical therapy profession) [3]

Throughout high school I played 4 varsity sports, so I have always concentrated on staying in shape and taking care of my body.

My interest in the physical therapy field started when I took my first anatomy class during my junior year of high school.

Watching these teammates and friends go from being completely debilitated back to playing shape, really convinced me that physical therapy was the field for me.

While I had great respect for athletic trainers, and I still do, the work of physical therapists has become more appealing to me.---This sentence does not seem to make sense.

All of which, they say, will help me to be successful during graduate school and in my career as a physical therapist.

Conversing with patients has become my favorite part of the job, and something I look forward to every day .---Every day is two words here, as in most cases.

I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know our patients, and hearing the stories or their injuries , surgery and recovery from their own perspectives.

... develop these skills further every day .

My improving communication skills, willingness to ask questions and learn every d ay, and my ability to take...

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "Everyday I go to school and try to be a good boy" - UC common app/personal statement [3]

Every day---Every day should be written in two words, in most cases.--- I go to school and try to be a good boy.

My world was suddenly was filled with a plethora of teachers and friends who really cared for me and my steps towards higher education.

This was the catalyst that got me to perceive the opportunities presented to me in a different light.

I no longer viewed school as a waste of time, even though school can be such a bore at times, but rather as the opportunity to attend such an institution was a huge blessing, in which I am sincerely grateful for.

I now view school as a treasure trove of valuable opportunities, and not just for education.

I think it is safe to say I have fully immersed myself in as many of these opportunities as I could, from numerous clubs to multiple sports.

Ultimately, the attitude I had towards my world of school has had a definite influence on other aspects of my life, including my dreams and aspirations.

The fact that I know how fortunate I am to be a figure skater is enough motivation and ...

I like your essay, and what you said about figure skating.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL. WHEN DISCUSSING CONTROVERSIAL PROBLEMS, TELEPHONE OR TEXT MESSAGING. [3]

From my perspective, I would choose to use e-mail/text messaging to discuss upsetting or controversial problems with others for the following reasons.

On the one hand, I am so sensitive a person that I would be affected by any subtle facial expression and other nonverbal behavior , which I would interpret and attach to some meaningful things.

...may result in some worse things, such as deepening a misunderstanding or making the problems more upsetting, ...---I like your word, 'befuddlement'!

Nevertheless, using e-mail/text messaging will circumvent these problems well, when a people writing their opinions and arguments involved...

On the another hand, using e-mail/text messaging would be more efficient, especially...

... while when writing, people would pay much more attention to the details, and possibly refer to much resources to improve their ideas, rather than just speak out without much consideration.

In a nutshell, when discussing some upsetting or controversial...

You've made some very good points!

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Graduate / "a successful, felicitous and motivated Physicians Associate" - Personal narative [2]

Nice opening paragraph!

If the patient was established, the PA always knew something personal about their family which always showed compassion for the patient and also trust.

...setting up rooms, getting supplies, finding their caregivers and most importantly listening to and spending time with the patients.

Observing the interactions between the PA's and their patients has been very rewarding and gratifying for both myself and for the patients.

As a nationally certified swift water rescue and white water kayaking instructor, I have learned how to teach people to save their own lives as well as those of others.

My experiences as an EMT and an instructor have provided me...

I have changed and bettered many lives in my current profession, yet this has not satisfied my need and desire to do and to know more.

My desire to do more for patients, to stay on the cutting edge of medicine, and my insatiable desire to know more to help patients has led me to PA school.

Your essay is great, well thought out and set up. They'll be very lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school!

:)

Scholarship / Study Objective - (Master's in Industrial Engineering) [3]

Being as an industrial engineering graduate, I want to pursue Master's in Industrial Engineering with its core division supply chain and logistics.

The research that I am intended to produce in the future that will be depending upon these general grounds:

The aforementioned reasons ---(subjects?)---I think what you mean to say is that becoming proficient in these areas will help you to achieve these things in the future. This sentence is much too long to make sense, or for your reader to be able to figure out. If you divide it into at least three sentences, your paragraph will be much clearer.

---can put up any industry to be competitive and market leader within few periods of time, furthermore, the research will be conducted in supply chain and logistics division that will enhance the regularity of production with ease at optimum level, the relations between the vendors and industry, industry and customers since it depends on logistics network, zero inventory systems to reduce large amount of cost to industry, and other considerable factors.

Have fun in school and good luck!

:)