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Posts by EF_Kevin
Joined: Nov 28, 2008
Last Post: Oct 8, 2016
Threads: 8
Posts: 13052  
From: United States of America

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EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin - land rich in tradition [5]

Your first paragraph is great, as is your essay. I think though, that you should mention exactly where you're from, that would "spice" it up!

The spice of life can be remade in a thousand different combinations, and I want to be one of the ingredients.
This is such a great sentence!

Your essay shows creativity and a cool perspective.

Good luck in school.
:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Die-Hard communists argue that Lenin's body should remain on display as their hero, while other, less conservative Russians believe Lenin must be buried so that Russia can rid itself of the skeletons in the closet of its past. The time has come for Russians to finally bury the remains of the communist icon once and for all. (Right here, give just a short sentence or phrase to tell why you believe this to be the case.)

There are few Russians visiting the tomb these days, and the numbers of communists visiting the tomb are also smaller than they used to be.

Looking good!!!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Speeches / Persuasive vs. informative speech (country impact) [4]

Usually, for this sort of assignment the teacher will give some outline or criteria, so that you know what is expected of you. It is true that the informative speech is not about taking a side. You just have to balance those arguments with the arguments of the other side of the argument. Like a journalist, you should remain objective as you inform.

Here is some help:

writing.colostate.edu/guides/speaking/infomod/pop2e.cfm
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Thinking Person" - Law School Personal Statement [7]

I care about people; caring about people is fundamental to my philosophy and it's essential for growth of the soul.

This is great!!! You still have room for improvement if you take out a few of the weakest sentences. Stephen King advises us to revise our work by making every draft 10% less than the previous draft. See if you can find ways to say some things in fewer words, or with better rhythm. However, it is great already!

At the end of each hearing, we all have the opportunity to give some words of wisdom. I remember telling him: "We all know the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. It probably wasn't true. It was a story about his character. Imagine what they will say in 10 or 15 years about you. What story will people tell to portrayyour character?" I feel My optimism and humility gave me a chance to reach that person and maybe change his outlook on life.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Essays / First College Experience [10]

...the one my daughter is going to attend.

As I look back now I imagine I was as nervous as any college freshman who was starting his or her first semester, though many years older. At every opportunity, I had I would sit down and soak in the atmosphere, watch my fellow students, and the feel the excitement.

Some of these ideas above are not necessary, just my ideas upon reading this. You are great! Perhaps as nervous as the other students, but probably also much more appreciative and reflective. Any admissions person will be won over by this honest and charismatic essay.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Umichi transfer short answer (respect for differences) [6]

How about:

Compelled by my curiosity, I politely asked him a question: "Excuse me, would you please tell you what you're looking at?" He found my existence when I asked him the question. And He merely answers, "Nothing. I just found that you mistyped a Chinese letter.

In a place where I was the only Chinese, a Native American pointed out my mistake in typing Chinese, which is my native language. I then had a great talk with my mysterious American friend.

Although Chinese is actually not as important in the western world as English is, but I have been beginning toteaching simple Chinese to people who are really interested in that language ever since I met that Native American. Therefore I hope I will be able to meet that kind of people like that at your fine University so that I can contribute my knowledge of this subject.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / ESSAY: SHOULD TUCK SHOP STOP SELLING "JUNK FOOD"? [5]

That's interesting about U.S.A. Today taking both sides... smart strategy! Speaking of editorials, my grandmother recently wrote an editorial about a Wal-Mart superstore with birds living in the ceiling -- she complained that the birds were a health hazard, ha ha. Crazy Nana...

Anyway, that's quite irrelevant.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / Ref: Analisis of instructions and procedures. [3]

The Motomanual is primarily intended for customers who opt for the use of prepaid phones or those who do not qualify for regular postpaid service because of their credit history.

The manual has been also compiled in consideration of a Spanish speaking audience, on one side of the document we have the English version and if you flip it over on the opposite side is the Spanish version.

It also gives details about the functionality this Motorola phone possesses , for example it tells about the calendar, flashlight, add a new event as well as other specifications.

The Motomanual purpose is ultimately to give to all audiences the step by step directions in the use of these features and functions.

The procedures and instructions are listed and numbered, which makes it easy for the reader to follow the sequence of directions.

The headings and subheadings are written in a classic bold style to differentiate from the instructions.

The table of contents has been organized by similar types of information, for example, use and care of the phone, essentials, basics, main attractions, customize functions, call features, other features, troubleshooting and index.

The Manual also uses a special note at the beginning of each instruction called 'Find it:'. This note is followed by the graphic that identifies the bottom of the keypad and the sequence of options they must select to perform a specific function on the Motorola.

The instructions also include very crucial screen shots. The user can easily navigate between procedures by moving up or down with the click of the mouse.

This tutorial also gives customers more dynamic assistance with procedures for basic troubleshooting.
Is the author of this manual writing on any specific style that Woolever recommends?

The instructions are written in a function-oriented format. oppose to what Woolever recommends. They may not be so easy to follow for the inexperienced user.

I hope this is helpful!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Scholarship / 'calculus and statistics analysis' - Scholarship essay for Babson College [5]

You started out by talking about your passion for math, and ended up on the topic of a career in finance. Not that these do not go hand in hand, but here, you need to either tie them together somehow or just choose one subject. If you keep just the first three paragraphs, sticking to applied mathematics, or keep just the half on finances, narrowing down your subject and elaborating, it will be more focused and compelling.

"I especially pay attention to some entrepreneur's unsuccessful cases, hoping to draw some lessons from them." This is great, you seem thoughtful and intelligent.

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / ESSAY: SHOULD TUCK SHOP STOP SELLING "JUNK FOOD"? [5]

Wait a minute, the article is supposed to take a stance on the issue? I thought journalists were supposed to be neutral, and I would assume that a school paper tries to emulate that ideal of neutrality. However, I assume Sean is correct because he seems knowledgeable about every subject that comes up, so I wondered if I could find out something important here... what kind of article is it you are talking about, Sean, when you say they are supposed to take a side?

Your comment surprised me, but now that I think of it lots of articles in major papers take sides! Yes, in journalism neutrality and objectivity are ideals, but the most important thing is to be entertainintg, i think!

npxzs, put a space after the periods at the end of sentences.

Moreover, they could buy the"junk food" outside the school. Therefore, the students have no use for the policy.

Oh, so it is health vs. freedom of choice! That is interesting... Yes, students are people, too. maybe you could write a sentence in para #1 about the tension between students' free choice and parents' health concerns.

Interesting essay!!!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Graduate / The biggest failure is when one gives up unknowing how close he was to the success... SOP [7]

That quotation in the beginning... if it is a quote, it should be put into quotation marks and you should tell who said it. If you don't know, call it an adage or a saying instead of a quote.

The word "unknowing" seems weird there... I am not sure if it is correctly used or not!

How about "unaware of" ??

No rushing through sentences:

I'm from a non-technical background, so I have no experienced hand to guide me, but I always strive to do something different exploring the unexplored area.

After my time there, when I returned I got the opportunity to present a paper on ...

All the content is very good! You just need to be decisive about your sentences. Make each sentence crisp and powerful, so that every word counts.

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Yes, well-said! That's cool. All except for the part about whether or not eharvey needs his age as an excuse... The essay conveyed some ideas that misrepresented his opinion, but he cleared that up in subsequent posts... I think there may be less disagreement here than there seems to be...

:)

But it is very interesting that illegal immigrants play such an important role in our society!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Thinking Person" - Law School Personal Statement [7]

We are shaped by our experiences; without them we are empty shells of something non human.

That was a run on sentence until I added the semicolon. Now, right after that sentence, you need to write the thesis sentence, which captures the central meaning of the essay. What is the main point of the essay? End the first, short paragraph with that meaningful sentence.

Then move on to the next idea in the second paragraph:

When I was a young child...

I can't believe the doctor said that!! Actually, did the doctor really say that? Because I almost don't believe it, and maybe neither will the admissions person. If the doctor did say that, simply because of hyperactivity, that would be crazy...

Anyway, make a new paragraph for every new thought. That is how to organize your writing, like eharvey was talking about.

About the word "intangible," you might change it to "meaningful"

Good luck!!!!!!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Nature and nurture essay research (GRE exam) [2]

It may be more accurate to say not that people inherited particular personality traits, but rather that people inherited a range of emotional and intellectual character.

The statement contains an illusory false dilemma that does not consider the complex structure of personality. This sentence is unnecessary and unclear about what statement it is referring to.

At the start of the 2nd para, you seem to argue nature, but at the end you argue nature AND nurture. You should choose one of those to make your main focus.

Personality shaping, therefore is a product of both nature and nurture, and it is difficult to describe which of those following circumstances influences the other.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Oh, I see that you edited your post while I was responding, and my response does not cover the 2nd half of your post, now.

About the use of the word foreigner, it's cool that you know that it sounds intolerant; some people do not realize that it is not politically correct. In your essay, you don't successfully convey that you are using the word in order to represent the standpoints of disgruntled American workers. My advice stands, ha ha. :) You used that word in the 2nd or 3rd sentence, so it represents you when it is being read.

It's really funny that someone can even say "only 10 billion" but judging by these responses maybe I need to clarify my point in the paper. I did go on to say that a county education system reported 9 billion (!) in net loss to undocumented immigrants.

Yes, $10 billion did not seem like much to me, because I have been reading so much about how many billion are spent on the war, etc. Like Sean said, the economic damage is comparitively nominal, and not only that, illegal immigrants also play an important role in our economy.

And you seemed intolerant again when you called money spent on those kids a "loss."

Good luck!! :)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

Wow, eharvey, I am impressed by your post! As you can see, the essay does not represent you. It does not convey what you really mean... This issue, ha ha, I understand what you mean about wanting to explain the significance like the prompt said... but, this issue demands for you to express an opinion! Same as abortion; would you write an essay on abortion law without taking a side? No! You have to take a side.

So, Sean is definitely right, but you are not wrong about your reasoning -- just your choice of topic. But the topic is fine as long as you say something meaningful about it. This is not an essay for a class; if it was, it would be alright to simply convey information, I guess.

But as I was saying, the essay makes you seem intolerant. And now that I see your last post, I see that you are compassionate. I also see that you are quite intelligent! I think your writing style is a lot more natural in the last post than in the essay. The essay is unpleasant to read, because the whole time I am reading it I am waiting for you to express an original or somehow unique opinion, and it never happens. Yet, I understand what you mean about the prompt... it does not ask for an opinion, just an explanation of significance.

The essay is just a lot of stating the obvious, and it seems intolerant! I'm sorry, I think you need to scrap it! Write about something that you would like to do something about, like improving education or saving the whales... anything but this! Ha ha, that doesn't seem to make sense... sorry!

Please check out the EF contributor page!

Also, everyone please make sure this is kept very courteous in the words you use. So far, you are all being very respectful in your arguments, but let's not call one another derogatory things like "brainwashed" or "ignorant" ... I am not above resorting to censorship to maintain quality, ha ha. :)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

RICH, PLEASE CHECK OUT THE ESSAY FORUM CONTRIBUTOR PAGE! We need smart people like you to stay involved with Essay Forum! :) (It looks good on a resume to be a contributor.)

Also, Rich, I have to delete the content from that article, sorry! No more pasting content that appears alsewhere. :)

How about "cannot" instead of "can not" here: The economic crisis has captured the attention of Washington and the American public but immigration reform can not be forgotten.

Even better would be "should not"

Oops, never use the word "foreigner" unless you want to sound intolerant.

...using more in services than paying in taxes totaled $10 billion at the federal level in 2002. Wow, only $10 billion? Well, to me, that sounds like $10 billion well-spent, because immigrants are trying to get better lives, and they are as human as I am. I am so lucky to have been born in Massachusetts; I don't even have to sneak across any border.

As I type this, I have not yet even looked at the long debate that I assume followed your post... I'll look at it now! :)

Wow, that was better than I thought it would be! Despite the disagreement, Sean and Rich both pointed out some important things, really important! There is no simple answer to the issue; Americans are the rich person, and illegal immigrants are the struggling relatives. All deficits aside, America is a person of SOME MEANS! For sure. So, what is the rich person to do about his or her struggling relatives? Help them all, and you will be broke, too!

We Americans represent the sort of rich person who is not self-made, but rather, born into wealth. So, that makes me think we should share the wealth as much as possible.

Some of the greatest people I know are illegal immigrants.

Anyway, your essay is just such a bad idea! As you can see, you have a very good chance of offending the person reading it. If I had to choose between you and an applicant who seemed more compassionate, I would probably choose in favor of the other guy! And even if I agreed with you, the fact would remain that the essay makes no clear suggestion about how to fix the problem. It's necessarily wishy-washy.

How awful it is that humans create borders! That's where this weird, UNNATURAL problem (of who belongs where) started.

EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (what to be when you grow up) - I need critique [4]

Like most children I responded with reference to jobs that...

This choice wasn't made because of my family having coached me into it, or because I would be better off financially for it; no, this decision came from my keen interest in how the human body works. Although this was my dream, I ended up going the opposite way as an adult.

Wow, very interesting first paragraph!

As an adult, who also happened to be a teenage parent, financial services was hiring with a salary offer that I could not turn down.

While I'm sure many people dream of being a doctor, it is also true that something like this must be determined to be plausible to your life . I am twenty-nine now; how long do I really want to be in school? Time passes whether your doing something with it or not. I thought to myself, How often do you actually see your doctor? It's always a physician's assistant or a nurse practitioner. Less time in school, same opportunity to help people. This is how I arrived at my current career goal of becoming a physician's assistant.

Medical school is still some years away for me, but I realized that although I had financial security before I wasn't really happy. This decision doesn't make me nervous or unhappy, for the first time in my adult life it's not just about paying the bills.

Hey, you can also be a practitioner of a wholistic modality. Chiropractic school takes less time than becoming a physician (call it "physician" instead of "doctor" in your essay, by the way.).. also, you might consider learning chinese medicine and becoming an acupuncturist (in boston, the Watertown School of Acupuncture is a 3 year program, but you need a bachelor's degree first.

In this essay, you should name a specialization that you would chose in med school. It will make you sound more serious about it.

Hey, how about learning Qigong from Dr. Yang Jwing Ming and becoming certified as a practitioner! That does not require much time. See ymaa.com... I think Qigong is the most important thing in life!!

But as a practitioner, you need to know how to market a business and build a clientele. Learn Qigong from Dr. Yang!

EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / about the additional information (practice my Chinese penmanship) [3]

I like to help others every time when I have the opportunity to do so; I especially like to help elderly people. When I was still a student in Secondary School, I always volunteered to help in the small Elderly Care Home by my house. Many of the elderly there did not have any families; sometimes I would make their day by just talking to them. The people I met were so friendly and sincere; they had simple, open-hearted appreciation for life, just like little children.On the other hand, I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons just by listening to them. I did not grow up in a wealthy family, however, helping the elderly is far more meaningful than earning big paychecks.

Hey, you know, you seem like a great person! I wanted to tell you that it is more impressive to write "brush calligraphy" instead of penmanship. Penmanship is a subject that very young children learn in school, so it does not sound as impressive. Besides, I think you use a brush instead of a pen, right?! So, call it calligraphy.

You can make a lot of money doing that, you know!! Sell your art to people and charge a lot of money! :) You can do customized work.

EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Macau, transfer essay, (Influencing Destiny) [2]

How about a colon insteade of a semi-colon after "...looking at this society:

Now, the whole first paragraph (the short one at the beginning) is very weak, unfortunately! :) The concept of destiny includes the idea of predetermination, so you can't say you believe in it and don't believe in it. I know what you mean, though.

I believe that we are all destined in various ways, but that we can influence our "destiny" with our own hands. In my mind, as long as I have good enough knowledge, I do not need to flatter as an employee in order to succeed.

I crossed that sentence out because it is unclear and sort of nonsequator.

Now that you brought up the topic of destiny, you need to talk about it in the essay a little! Especially at the end. :)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / USC transfer essay ("Welcome back") [7]

Hey, that is a really cool paragraph! Small changes though:

What should it feel like to ...

The part of the life plan that I have yet to accomplish (due to lack of opportunity) factor gives me the greatest passion of all time.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / USC "Only passions, great passions" USC Transfer Essay [5]

Here is an idea:

Sporting those oh-so-trendy, skinny jeans that have solidified my nickname as "chicken legs" is not going to help me start a career in the tumultuous music industry. This is going to require an education -- one from a school that offers a major in "music industry."

But actually, now that i think of it, what does the sporting of the jeans have to do with the education? You write in an interesting way! I don't know if you should omit this part because of the irrelevance of the chicken legs thing... or keep it because it shows your personality! It is generally not good to have something that is irrelevant to the main idea of the paragraph. (That might ust be the most important advice I ever gave!) Oh, I know! Put it in parenthesis. That is why God invented parentheses, so you can include irrelevant stuff and get away with it. Put the chicken legs part in parentheses.

For the rest of it... I think you need to start with the paragraph about music being your passion. That way, it all makes sense. It shows attention to the question.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Essays / First College Experience [10]

Oh, and I forgot to give you this fix for para #1:

When one of my daughters just graduated from high school and on her way to college , I decided that there was very little horse power behind my advice about finishing college before going on to work or a relationship. So, after completing a very difficult, year-long project at work, which required me to spend many hours studying I decided to take my own advice and register for a summer class in history. That first class covered the history of America through 1877 -- an era I have always enjoyed studying ...

For powerful writing, omit all unnecessary words!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Essays / First College Experience [10]

Sean's right, you do have a unique perspective! Just that fact alone will make your essay refreshing and new to whoever reads it. Have fun with it, don't be stressed out. Post it here and we'll help fix any glitches!

Good luck!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Graduate / Evaluation of Targetted Admission Essay [3]

Since my early childhood, I had decided that I wanted a career in technology. After completing my high school, I decided to do a Diploma in Computer Engineering which would give me a base in both the hardware and software aspects of computers. During my diploma, I developed a liking for information systems and software, hence I decided to pursue a Bachelors degree in Information Technology.

Now after almost completing my Bachelors, I have set a goal in my mind to shape my career in the field of Information Systems.

Since any relationship is a two-way channel, I feel that in my association with your university I too can contribute to graduate studies and the information field with my unquenchable thirst for learning new things and my ability to translate knowledge into practice as well as my passion for the field.

The College of Information Studies is a perfect choice offering the students the opportunity to gain exposure to a diverse student body and world class faculty.

Just a few grammatical tweaks here and there.

Good luck!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / My association with computers began long before people of my age could lay their hands on one; SOP [4]

Hi Sharon,

This is SO impressive. I like how you end the first paragraph with a clear sentence about your desire to attend Carnegie Mellon. We can improve the essay by switching the order of the 2nd and 3rd sentences, so that the second sentence starts with "I have keenly inherited," and the 3rd sentence is "My father told me He told me...

How about we change the first sentence. The way it is now, it sounds confusing. How about: My association with computers began long before I was old enough to be trusted alone with them.

Then there is also this, where "as he being" is not correct:

...inherited my father's love for technology, as he being an Electronics Engineering

Try this:

My father is an Electronics Engineering Graduate who assembles and repairs various electronic equipment, including personal desktop computers at our home during his spare time. and I have keenly inherited his love for technology.

Also:

During the time I am spending as a Carnegie Mellon student, I feel that I have learnt and applied many new concepts. After careful introspection...
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / What domestic or international travel destination best defines you and why? [7]

Da Lat, the city of spring, is just like me; a bubbly boy full of spirit. Da Lat, the beauty under mist, is just like me; I wait for you to reveal the fog. Da Lat: Dat Aliis Laetitiam -

"Bring happiness to others", and I'm here, ready to share your trouble.

I changed it a little, but you are a very good poet. Too bad you can't submit it in poem form!

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / USC transfer essay ("Welcome back") [7]

This whole first paragraph is unclear and confusing. You need a clear and focused beginning. You could sum up the first paragraph with the sentence, "Education is what I'm most passionate about."

Giving up scholastic achievement due to unexpected circumstances was a traumatic experience since I had a perfect attendance record from five years of elementary school, three years of middle school, and four years of high school.

In 1998, it was a typical issues within the foreign students including myself to give up their continuance of education due to the national economic crisis; it was evident that the most undesirable situationhad become inevitable.

I could not do anything about the situation I was stuck in and I had to set my dreams aside, in order to survive.

However, it came back at me as a regret. It is not easy to regret about something when you are in an extreme situation, but you begin to regret more and more when you start to live your life with little comfort of your own; I have worked my butt off for the past 7 years to earn this.

As I looked around, I found myself with a low self-esteem due to low paying jobs , compared to my friends who had graduated and had jobs they were proud of.

'Time waits for no one' popped up in my mind and I did not want to waste anymore time not chasing my dream. Opportunity is only given to who really wants and puts great effort into it. and I challenged myself to strive forward to achieve that opportunity.

Here are a few grammatical fixes, I hope they are helpful. The most important thing you have to do is make a strong statement, explain it, and state it again at the end.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY ("what I would attempt") [5]

The thing that scared me the most was taking an AP class, and not doing well.
No need for a comma here. (above)

Now, looking back at my decision, I realize that taking these classes was the best thing I could have done to prepare myself for college and represents the strength I've had to do the best I can, which I hope I can continue at Florida State University.

:)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Book Reports / "Everybody at one point depends on others"; A Thousand Splendid Suns essay [3]

Hey, sorry I didn't comment last night! Good thing Sean was here. I like the idea of reflecting more on the character's process of development, etc. Your essay is a little skimpy on the intro and conclusion. Right now, the thesis seems to be:

She becomes independent, confident, and learns to take action on her own.

It is good that you have a clear thesis. It could be better if it was more complex, and if the intro and conclusion paragraphs were developed a little better. But I know you are turning it in as I type this, so, good luck! It is already great the way it is!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "Sports fanatics" - My activities have helped me understand the workings of different world cultures [4]

Oh, that sounds like good advice if indeed the prompt says to choose one activity. Yes, the sports fanatics thing is impressive, though, if it is something that you did as a leader for younger kids. Is that what it was? If so, it is very impressive! Perhaps you can present that activity as part of PTPI, in the sense that is was a sports activity. But make PTPI the topic of the essay. This is all very impressive!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / What does critical thinking really entail? - essay references and ideas [6]

Critical thinking is a systematic way of looking at an issue. Here are the best resources I know:

Browne, M. & Keeley, S. (2007) Asking the right questions: A guide to critical thinking.
New Jersey, Pearson.
Nosich, G. (2005) Learning to think things through: A guide to critical thinking across the curriculum. New Jersey: Pearson.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 22, 2009
Graduate / Business Aspirations -- Katz Admission essay, Pitt [6]

Just make sure everything is connected together. That means that you have to present the purchase of the home as something that can be compared to your academic endeavor: it is an investment in your future. Keep the essay focused and solid, with a clear theme. It is very close to answering the question brilliantly, but so far it still seems a bit disjointed. Have a common theme that is observable in each paragraph; I think the underlying theme in YOUR essay is about ownership of (i.e. responsibility for) your academic and professional process.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 21, 2009
Book Reports / Amusing its readers - Grammar Check for Macbeth Essay [7]

Well, I can see where the intro phrases like "he explained" and "she replied" can seem cliche. In novels it is cool to give dialogue without introduction -- let the reader figure it out! But in formal academic writing, when you quote somebody you should be very clear about who you are quoting.

Anyway, it is her class, so do it her way!! :)
EF_Kevin   
Jan 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My Father as a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me [13]

Hey, I like the way it looks now! Hassan gave some thoughtful advice, so give it lots of thought. What might be right for one person might not be right for another. Speaking of that, I hope YOU still like the essay after making these changes! I think it is very clear and impressive. However, there is always room for more improvement.
EF_Kevin   
Jan 21, 2009
Undergraduate / An important issue ("She is always") [6]

Sinara, type those words into Google Scholar and read a few papers that other people have written about them. When you come up with something original to write about, compose a draft and post it in a new thread for us to see. Good luck!!

Nguyen, here are my ideas:

...She is such a dynamic and talent girl. She is one of my best students. I feel happy and comfortable to have her as the monitor of the class."

I couldn't help feeling proud when I heard my grade 9 counselor chatting with her colleagues about me . I was pleased because all my ceaseless effort in academics and leadership were finally being acknowledged.

With all my optimism and enthusiasm , I did win; the dream of mine, of my parent's finally came true.

A harsh entrance examination is waiting for me. I am planning to struggle with strong rivalries.

This is a great convincing essay, and you seem like a very serious student!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 21, 2009
Undergraduate / UMich Essay: Discuss an Issue of Local Concern ("The British are coming!") [7]

In the beginning, in the quote, you are allowed to promote clarity by using brackets:

"The last person to get across [name of city] in under three hours...

When you quote somebody, it is okay to use brackets to show that you are changing words for clarity.

At the end, I wish you would use some specific examples of changes that are being made but that may or may not be beneficial. That would make the last paragraph much stronger...

This is a cool essay; I like the Paul Revere Luis Black theme!
EF_Kevin   
Jan 21, 2009
Graduate / My mother screamed at me to call the police, or to do something to make my sister stop; p.statement [7]

We might have to sort out this first sentence:

My mother screamed at me to call the police, or to do something to make my sister stop, but my sister would not stop. My sister had knocked her to the ground and was pulling out her hair.

Maybe like that?

Now, when yo say the trips could not teach you how to be confident in yourself, I'm sure that is not entirely true, since the experience of traveling builds confidence. I wonder if you could keep this theme of building confidence throughout the whole essay and give some resolutin at the end for the tension created in that opening paragraphs. you need to link these paragraphs together, and I think a great way to do that is to keep with the theme of building confidence every step of the way. Each of your paragraphs is a great, distinct idea, so the essay has great potential.

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