Undergraduate / 'volunteering at Ability First' - University of Southern California Transfer Essay [10]

You can improve it by expertly attending to the prompt question: Give one sentence to tell about the "direction" in which you had been moving prior to this experience, which was like an external force acting upon you to change your direction. Can you present the experience this way? As something that impacted you and changed your trajectory?

Undergraduate / What have you gained from the activities and experiences listed in Part VI, you'll use in McIntire? [8]

Now, that first paragraph seems incomplete. it is short, and there is room at the end for a thesis statement. For this essay, your thesis statement can tell just exactly how your belief changed so that the deader knows what to expect from the essay. The thesis statement is the soul of the essay, its core truth.

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

At the outset, you make a mistake by mentioning a famous quote by Roosevelt and then revealing that you don't know who said it. It's better to mention Roosevelt if you are going to quote him. See his 1932 inaugural address for inspiration: historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5057/

Now, when he first said this, about having nothing to fear except for fear itself, it was during an economically difficult time. Americans were in fear about their futures. Perhaps you could add to the beginning of this essay so that it shows how you feared the effect that the outcome of this tournament would have on your future.

If you are going to talk about overcoming fear during this tournament, add a sentence that conveys your concern about how the outcome would affect your future -- even if you have to exaggerate a little! :)

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

These look good. The comma is unnecessary in the first one, but it it the sort of place where a writer has some discretion as to whether or not to use a comma, so it is okay. Both sentences are good now.

Undergraduate / commonapp essay- elaborate an activity- tutor [3]

Where is this street that is the setting for this first sentence? I think this essay will engage the reader more if you mention the city and/or country in this first sentence. This is a GREAT contribution you made by acting as an older brother. How many children do you think you helped as a tutor? Tell the reader what the outcome of your help was for some of them. I think this essay will do very well, because it gives the reader a good feeling about you.

Undergraduate / Why did I choose UCF (Electrical & Computer Science program) [4]

Being the strong and die hard sports fan that I am, I'm going to need a strong and competitive sports program to cheer on.

I have competed in several sports like track, basketball, and my most favorite, football.

The University of Central Florida is located in Orlando, and it's only about three to four hours away from my family which is a more convenient trip for my family members to visit.

With the major companies offering cooperative education and internships to UCF's engineering students it helps make internships opportunities for summer employment and future job opportunities.

I think your essay would sound better if you wrote about academics first, and sports later.

:)

Essays / Ryerson undergraduate admission essay writing. (reasons, details) [14]

Good advice! Start by grabbing the reader's attention. Say something unexpected. Then, use two sentences to explain an importat insight that has compelled you to enter this particular progra at this school. Why does it absolutely have to be this school? Why is this school perfect for you? Show that you have a detailed plan for your success.

:)

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

Ha ha, this is really an interesting issue!! What conclusion do we come to about the "god" thing? I guess it is okay to omit it because you decide that it is irrelevant to the essay, but it is not okay to omit it for fear of alienating yourself from non-religious admissions officers. Anyway, now we are talking about philosophy and not writing, I guess! I am only qualified to talk about writing. Still, I am fascinated by the question, because this must be an issue that arises with many people's admissions essays...

Undergraduate / Common App short answer - "Ford technician" [3]

Oh, Sean made all the changes I was going to suggest! This is a strong little essay. What was the prompt? I guess I suggest writing out "seventeen" instead of 17, because it looks nicer... but that is just opinion!

Good luck!!!

:)

Undergraduate / Optional essay, Aerospace Engineering [7]

I guess i think the first paragraph is sort of cliche and stereotypical for this kind of essay. The image of a little kid, and then saying "that little boy was me..." is a little stereotypical and unoriginal. Can you start with some deep insight that you have had into aviation, perhaps giving the reader a glimpse of that passion as it is today -- more sophisticated.

Here is an idea:

At my school, I chose the toughest...

The second paragraph is great!

Undergraduate / The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life. UT App Essay about my dad [11]

Everyday I am surrounded by various people.My days include interaction with teachers, students, and co-workers.

It is fine to mention Texas, and it is great to mention the name of the school to which you are applying! I like Sean's advice about describing a unique experience that presents you in a positive light.

How about cutting most of the first paragraph and combining it with the second, so it starts like this:

My father is undoubtedly the hardest working person I know. He can be described as meticulous, persistent, and overall, devoted. Although we are not able to spend much time together, he always finds the time to show me how important I am in his life. He stays active constantly, either...

If you start it that way, it will feel lively and rhythmic from the start.

Undergraduate / LMU essay (risks in finding yourself) - in progress. [5]

I really like the 2nd sentence: I never quite know how far I should let my imagination take me.

You should try the paragraphs in different orders! Your last paragraph would be a stronger first paragraph than the current first paragraph. Try not to focus so strongly on how much you DON'T know. They are looking for boldness and adventurousness, so how about asserting who you are even if you are not sure?! I would get rid of these: The point is, I have no idea where I'm going to be, what I'll be doing, who I will become. There are so many opportunities out there, and it's impossible to know ahead of time which path I'll end up choosing.Replace this with a sentence in which you explain how, even though you know that you are driven to succeed as a (what major?) major at LMU, you must admit that you cannot be certain what the future will bring. Then continue: Does this uncertainty make me insecure?

This essay really is quite great. Just try the paragraphs in different orders that might make strong themes emerge.

Undergraduate / 'HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club..' - UT Austin- Important issue (diversity) [5]

When I consider what it means to embrace diversity , it helps to refer...

Oh, I agree with Sean about his comments... and actually I could see this essay working well if you omit the second paragraph instead... the third paragraph explains experiences that have broadened your perspective, but the second one, about the cruise last summer, could be cut out of the essay in order to make it more focused, I think.

Undergraduate / 'The consequence of teamwork' - UT Austin Essay (optional) [3]

...country's monetary policies. On a periodic basis, my classmates and I would be divided into groups and tasked with the responsibility of presenting analyses on the state of the economy followed by specific monetary policy recommendations of how to improve market conditions.Now, right after this sentence, it would be good to make a reflective sentence that conveys the central meaning of the essay -- the way this experience influenced you. Then, start your second paragraph.

And this last comma is unnecessary here:

To this end, we were expected to be well-rehearsed about current events, and if we were not we would suffer the consequences.

Undergraduate / Issue of Importance Topic ("advertising strategy") [5]

What has changed, however, is the growing number of people who view and can become easily influenced by those ads, conscious or not.

We are at a period of time where teenage girls are... How about "these days", or "we live in a time..."

Sometimes we cannot escape the image society has put on women today,
but reassurance and approval can be the most powerful way to trigger those influenced into being more comfortable with their bodies.

Good advise from xjba, that will bring it full circle.

:)

Undergraduate / Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose? [18]

Yes, I think it works this way!

Here is an idea for the end:

I have also learnt how to utilize this information to determine trends and what to expect as it regards the prices of shares. This knowledge that I have amassed over the years will empower me in all aspects as I could enhance my skill at The Ohio State University.

Undergraduate / UT ESSAY (Choose an issue of importance to you, education in Singapore) [3]

You don't have to capitalize "knowledge" here:

An example would be the lack of Knowledge in personal finance management.

I think it would be good to clearly state the issue you are focusing on in the first paragraph. You explain that the sstem leaves students unprepared for decision-making in "certain critical aspects of life," and that is very vague. At the start of the essay, you need to be able to capture in words whet the issue is. You need to be able to state it in a single sentence, so that the reader knows and feels sure about what s/he is reading.

The rest of the essay is very thoughtful and clear! Take out unnecessary words, and make that change suggested by Linda. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / short answer common app ("enrolled into choir") [3]

After having been told by friends that I have great aptitude for music , I enrolled into choir my during freshman year.

I think it would be cool to use parentheses for "unenthusiastically" because the fact that you were not enthusiastic is not part of the point of the sentence:

Having participated in several musicals and (unenthusiastically) taken voice lessons throughout middle school, I already had some formal vocal training.

The last sentence does not make very good sense:
Though irksome at first, the personalities I encountered turned out to be marvelous and the course was... what?

I hope that helps!!!

:)

Undergraduate / Texas at Austin essay (Lance Amstrong, impact on my life) [3]

Why don't you try writing one sentence for each of those points, and then see if you cannot extend those sentences into paragraphs? You might find that an essay takes form. I look forward to seeing it!

Nephtalie is right; we do not write essays for students! This is a place for collaboration.

Undergraduate / Help with making my common Apps essay concise and error-proof. [6]

This first part seems a little contrived because you describe yourself as typical (archetypal) but then say you got A's. Also, two yearrs is not enough time to "look back on those days." The reader might scoff at it, even though it really seems to come from the heart. Also, "archetypal" is confusing. I like it, but how about changing a little:

Two years ago, I was a typical high school student, but now I have gained important insight and motivation. I used to study just enough to get score well in my classes, and I showed enough affectation to get out of trouble when necessary , but I did not have real passion for the process of learning. When I look back at those days, I regret ...

Those are just ideas. The essay is very good!!

Undergraduate / Final U of M Essays Short Essays. Punctuation and Quality Comments needed [10]

Let's divide these two sentences:

"Wake up," said my mother in a panic. "There's been an accident."

"Such as" is cliche, but colons are powerful:

Nursing requires many attributes: intelligence, flexibility, patience, and most importantly, teamwork.
For that last sentence of essay #1, you actually ended it with a sentence fragment. "All attainable aspirations..." this sentence has no verb!!! You can fix it by writing, "These aspirations are attainable through..." or alternatively you can connect the last two sentences by using a dash:

...provided to me -- all attainable...

Essay 2

At the end, it would be great if you could say something specific about a program or club that you would like to join or start, or some other way that you can share this sort of insight. Any specific example come to mind? It is great when students have clearly envisioned, specific plans. Also:

Beginning At the age of sixteen, at my current place of employment , I was immediately thrust into the diverse-yet-exciting culture of the Philippines: I became employed at a (what kind of business?) where the owners, managers, and a majority of the workers were of the Filipino nationality. so The primary language of the Philippines, Tagalog, was spoken frequently.

Good luck!!! :)

Writing Feedback / "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"; significant event or achievement [3]

Use a dash to separate these:

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" -- Albert Einstein

Oh, great advice fro Abby!!! That is important. Answer all aspects of the question, and use words from the question to make it very clear that you did.

Let's get rid of some of this detail. It could detract from the strength of the essay:
My father has a construction business, and ...mainly doing irrigation projects and small bridges for the government. It is a small business with 100-120 employees . During that period, during what period? there was a huge delay

But I had to put aside my dream and help my father, even before my exams were over.

Good luck!!!

:)

Graduate / 'unique blend of experiences' - Outline your career objectives. MBA essay. [3]

As an engineer, businessman, and social worker, I have a unique blend of experiences that gives me the necessary perspective to answer the question of why I hope to attend [name of school]. I am a software engineer working in a US MNC, a businessman with a vast experience in handling family business, and still keeps business as a dream and an active social worker for the past eight years.

That first paragraph was complicated and unwieldy, but this might help (above).

Now, the last paragraph would make a really good FIRST paragraph!! So, play with different orders for the paragraphs. This essay is quite impressive. You seem like a methodical thinker! Good luck!

Essays / help antigone anouilh [4]

Well, start by Googling the name of the play along with the word "modernization." Much has been written about this play. You must have some class readings that deal with the subject, too. Write some paragraphs about what you think of the readings you use, and we will help!

Undergraduate / 'Accepting myself who I am' - UT admission, important issue. Body image [6]

Next to me, two quite attractive girls pu ll out their make-up bags from their purses and begin to work feverishly with lip glosses and concealer sticks.

I then wonder, if these pretty girls like them can't accept their bodies, the way it is, than what must that mean for someone like me?

This sentence is GREAT ----> Examining their faces closely, grimacing and silently whining in self-deprecation, searching for every slight imperfection visible to the human eye, they attack their faces, slicking on masses of goopy lip gloss and dusting away at their noses and cheekbones.

Wow, some of your sentences are quite striking and powerful! Your topic is great, too.

Poetry / Need suggestions on copyrights of my poems? [5]

I am not sure about copyright law, but what I hear is that copyrighting is really quite an uncertain process. It is only as powerful as the provider of the copyright. The important thing to do is arrange that you will be able to win a court case. I think that if you use your full name when becoming an Essay Forum member, and if you post your work here, you can probably use your Essay Forum participation as evidence in court. This is because, when you get a membership, you give your name so that it will be associated with your posts.

You have probably already Googled "copyright" and found services that will sell you a copyright for a fee. These are useful, probably, but nothing is certain. It's all about proving ownership. Post your work here and you will always be able to refer people here to show them that it is your original work. However, for the material you have already posted on your own blog, let your blog serve as proof that you wrote it. Do not post any material to Essay Forum if it appears on other websites.

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

I agree with those who said, read, read, read! Get books on things you are passionate about, that way you wont feel it's such a chore to read English. Even a craft you might enjoy, or directions on how to build something.

You know, rhythm is universal. Don't just learn English words; learn phrases. The brain works like a phrase processor, and it is not so good at taking words without their context. Study English phrases.

Undergraduate / LMU essay (risks in finding yourself) - in progress. [5]

Hey, thats a great excuse to contact the admissions office and make an impression!

Undergraduate / University of California Transfer Personal Statement -The anatomy lab [3]

Good essay and very interesting. You answered the question nicely. It was well written and I think they'll feel lucky to have you.

:)

Undergraduate / 'A pre-health student organization' - University of California Transfer [4]

The more time I spent in the lab, the more excited I felt about biology.

For four months, I worked non-stop from designing poster and brochure, advertising to students, organizing participants' information booths to managing volunteer work for the first ever Health Fair, an event promoting health awareness and providing health resources to students on campus.

Nice essay.
:)

Undergraduate / Common App - Significant experience (Living in another country) [4]

Nicaragua is drastically different from New York.

The Nicaraguan dry and wet seasons, in contrast, are generally forgiving and do not have much variety besides the occasional rain during the wet season.

Did you mean (above) to say the dry season? :)

Upon moving there, the Nicaragua of the time was a country recovering from the revolutionary turmoil that occurred during the eighties decade and as such, I experienced a country that was struggling to recover and moving forward in its political and economic facets.

Secondly, I met remarkable individuals from different places of the world with whom I became great friends and whom to this day I still keep in touch since elementary school.

The thought that I would always have a haven of my past memories was childish at the time and I realized Nicaragua will not stay the same; progress is a necessary component of everything.

Still, the inner child in me finds comfort in memories and delights whenever I encounter mementos of the past.
I think though, that instead of "past" you should write Nicaragua.

Hope this helps:)

Undergraduate / UT austin, Ms. Sapna Bhargava. [3]

The defining moment in our relationship came in grade eleven , when I scored dismally in the final examinations.

. But going through mood swings characteristic to teenagers , matters were worsening. Not only were my grades affected, my interests in club activities were also on a decline.

She is more than just an inspiration; she is a mentor who taught me the importance of education and balance in order to succeed.

Here are just a few adjustments. This is a well written essay, and good advice from the_lie, maybe you could just reword it to make a stronger opening sentence?

:)

Graduate / Improving my SOP ("Vasudev Kutumbkam") [6]

"Vasudev Kutumbkam" is a saying in one of the most ancient languages of the world Sanskrit adage that means, "The world is a global village." This becomes increasingly true as the distance between its inhabitants shrinks to minimal limits.

Wow, this is very impressive! I think that you should change the end, and not say "mutually beneficial." It seems a little over confident, almost arrogant, because the representative of the institution would like to feel that the institution benefits you. I understand what you mean, though, because it is good to want to make a meaningful contribution at the school.

Also, instead of "man and his surroundings," try something more gender-friendly, like "humankind and... (something).

:) Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference' [11]

The last thing a teacher wants is to stand alone before a large class of students ranging in age from six to fourteen . Regardless of age, each student requires particular attention. I teach in that kind of special class at Youth House, a place for children living in the fishing village near Red River.

I think that instead of cutting out those two paragraphs, you can cut out unnecessary sentences in those long paragraphs toward the end. This is a memorable essay, full of vitality.

I hope that one day I can share my knowledge about Vietnam with other students in CSB/SJU, as well as learn exciting things about their culture.

Undergraduate / Texas Common application- someone who impacted... [5]

I remember My brother asked me once, "Should I sell my +8 legendary golden staff for 350 million penya?"

"I remember" seems too cliche' for the opening sentence. Sean is right, you need to say more about how that competition motivated you to push yourself harder.

:)

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

My academics are balanced by my passion for arts.

Great opening sentence! (Should it be "the" arts?)

I have been proud to be able to learn this unique creation first hand, as I patiently discovered the intricacies behind the making of Batik and am now able to design and produce my own Batik motifs.

I am proud that I am able to benefit my home country as I have spread the skills that I have learned, to friends, relatives and even foreigners to help prevent this part of my culture from becoming extinct .

Great essay, you had a strong beginning and a strong ending. You answered the question very well and gave the reader two great windows into your personality.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / UT_ issue of importance ("strong human resources") [3]

Oh, great advice from David!

"Vanishing" is indeed better than "disappeared"

Should people come back from their migration to their hometowns after completing their exploration?

When you revise, try to take out the unnecessary sentences. Stephen King advises us to cut out 10% when writing new drafts. Try to trim out all that is unnecessary or unnecessarily lengthy.

Undergraduate / 'Sheltered life in New Jersey' - School Principal Essay [4]

In college, students will meet people from countries they have never heard of or religions that they have never known about.

Furthermore, these classes will also help students gain a better understanding of what's going on in the world now.

An introduction to religion class might not help these students become pundits, but it will move them in the right direction by eliminating any ignorance.

"To be completely honest", might not belong in the first sentence. Seems a little wishy-washy for an opening line, not as serious as the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Obedient yet rebellious, disciplined, unruly; this person influenced me [25]

This looks much better! If you're having a hard time with your last sentence, just go back to the beginning and reiterate one of the first things you said about X to bring the essay full circle.

:)

Undergraduate / 'A Modern School in New Delhi' - UT Austin Essay 1 [4]

Up until the seventh grade I was receiving top grades in all subjects but as soon as I joined the new school my grades started dipping.

I didn't share these emotions with anybody because I felt that it was just temporary, that I would one day fit in? with the rest.

Slowly and steadily, my state of mind improved and I started to take more notice of other things.

Sitting pretty and reminiscing on past glories only makes you complacent and ignore real problems.

This incident has definitely shaped who I am today.

Here are a few more little tweaks, hope it helps.

:)