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Posts by deremifri
Joined: Dec 25, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 135  
From: Germany

Displayed posts: 144 / page 3 of 4
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deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Essays / Yale supplement moment in history question [9]

You know, if you are not going to use it:
Mind if I consider ripping it off for my Yale supplement? The fact that he went to Yale makes this so genius!
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "Let's Play Ball!" - Harvard Supplemental Essay [6]

Try to find a synonym for the second disheartened.
So here's the thing:
I do not excel at writing, and I am certainly no expert in the college admission essay thing,
but after I have red many essays in the past days it seems to me that basically every,
and I really mean literally every essay, be it to Ivy or Community, starts with a live discription of
the activity the people partake in, that's supposed to be attention grabbing and original.
After I have heard it so many times now, these live action bits do not engage me anymore,
since they are so common. And the most important is: Ivys look for something that stands out,
and I cannot blame them since the adcoms have to read essays for months.
Won't the adcoms also be not impressed by such an beginning, the part which is supposed to
be the strongest?
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY - VOLUNTEERING AT DAY CARE CENTER (SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE) [7]

Sorry for the delay.

Here's the thing:
If the task is really impossible, it does not make sense that you still continue. You could dedicate your time for people who can really benefit.

Try something along those lines:
I soon realized that this was not something I could approach with my usual drive for success. It was apparent that Mr. Noh was quite unlikely

to become a gentleman and that my endeavors would be fruitless in the long run. However, I still carried on because I realized that everybody deserves

attention, no matter how grunty and unpleasant.

By the way:
You know you are lickelier to get feedback if you drop a few lines on other essays?
(Yes, it's dirty and detestable, but that's how the world works)
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'hesitant to tell everyone my past' - NYU - becoming part of the world [3]

I think the Why NYU part needs a little more development.
The first sentence does not make a good impression since you do not explain why you did not consider NYU, this way you make such an attitude sound natural.

Why is NYU different from what you have already experienced?
It seems like you want to much.
You want an unusual introduction, a personal development story, a list for the reasons why NYU is awesome and a ending that reflects your modesty and that you like to be challenged. However, none of this is particularly emphasized, in particular the ending seems just trite without explanation.

My advice is to personalize the fascination NYU has on you.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'knowledge about art' - What matters to you and why? Stanford [3]

Grammatical:
not only joy to me , but also to others
then I can be sure of communication through drawing sounds a little awkward as well as language obstacles
Also, it is unnecessary for one to know the language of a foreign country when contemplating one of its works of art. You have said this already by art is an universal language. Maybe you could make the first paragraph a little more interesting, because despite the fact that your essay is great you are applying to Stanford, and need a really outstanding essay.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'eating home-style Chinese food' - Future Roommate Essay [5]

Be on the safe side and do not use contractions.
Other than that it's certainly not too conversational.
Like the beginning.
Like the ending.
Like basically everything, but one part seems a little weird.
"Speaking of studying, I have an unusual study habit. My parents hate it and say I'm procrastinating, but it's really not so; I am very proud of all the work I've done, so why would I try and get away with anything less than my best?" I think I get what you are trying to say, but is mentioning your parets really necessary?

By the way I would try to add something that also talks about your social behaviour.
Overall it is really great.

Mind checking out my essay? Would be really flattered.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT No.2

Please tell me what you think:
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

Every evening a new universe is created in my living room. All I have to do is to start a movie and be absorbed by the world unfolding in front of my eyes. I am always fascinated by this world, even if the movie is terrible. Liberated from the boring constraints of reality, by creating a new environment the director's mind exerts its brutal force upon me. I love this purity not only because it lets me live impossible experiences and emerge cleansed, but also because it provides me with energy and motivation to further advance in real life.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / COMMON APPLICATION ESSAY - VOLUNTEERING AT DAY CARE CENTER (SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE) [7]

One thing that strucks me:
You say you put so much effort in because of the challenge, not because you wanted to
help Mr. No (haha!).
This does not look good, especially when your conclusion suggests that you do the serving because of the persons you are trying to help.
You do not have to portray yourself everywhere, everytime as "I love challenges" type of person.
Just be yourself and make it more personal and touching.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

Well, that is a weird admission essay. Haha I'm just kidding,
your poem really inspired me and took a lot of the hamster wheel pressure of the admission process of my back.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "The bank officials." - MIT personal essay [8]

Honestly Rachel, I love you.
Honesty for the win!

But Kruti, are your SAT scores really good, since that could make up for
possibly bad essays.
Don't let anyone discourage you. Get some coffee, work your ass off and write a good essay.
And leave feedback for my essays.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / (character in fiction, figure) Common App - "Chaconne" [7]

I don't really understand the sense of the first sentence. Well, you wanted to make a joke,
but it does not work with me to be honest.
But you show great writing skills, as already mentioned.

So, I hope you could give me feedback on my essays.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Complexity is what makes me great' - Common App Essay [8]

The last paragraph is actually not silly, but honestly you use the wrong approach.
To me it sounds like you just used the theme of complexity to praise yourself,
and the "I have a soft voice but I was born to lead" part:
come on, you do not want to write that.
If you were really sincere about a human is too complex you should portray yourself
in a normal light.

And overall, what do you think the admission office does?

Of course they "appreciate all the complexities of what I have done and what I hope to accomplish,"
and they are not reducing you to a one dimensional person. This is the whole point of the idea of the essay in the application.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "The bank officials." - MIT personal essay [8]

Focus on one aspect, be it financial situations, child abuse victim, or lack of good teachers
Then you can specify how the experiences shaped your dreams.
This way it sounds like you want pity from others.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]

Great essay,

maybe "Like every obedient chinese child I had the freedom to chose between"
gets your feelings better across.

If you have time I would be honored to get a feedback from you.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

Like that the personal feel of your essay.

However, the end:
Are you suggesting that you will use the money earned by your job which you will learn in college to have escapades?
Since you are hard working, the types of stories you could tell would still be the same irregardless of the amount of money you have, wouldn't they?

The conclusion:
I am not sure if the conclusion is really on the spot.
You talk mostly about the relation to your environment, but in the conclusion you write about your own discipline.

But I really like the parts before that.

Please take a look at one of my essays when you got time.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Biotechnology, Isolation of DNA - Princeton supplement [5]

The experience you show is extraordinary, your intellectual development well described,
but I don't understand why civil engineering was of the table.
Great job

Mind to take a look at my essays?
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "Piano and Ballet": Tufts supplement. Very Short! [4]

Maybe you should not use "I appreciate", it sounds not very compassionate, try to find something stronger.
Although your essay is really well written, while reading I thought you were writing about activity,
not the world you come from, which was the prompt.

I would appreciate, better: I would love if you could give me feedback on one of my essays.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT Short: (Rubik's Cubes) - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

In my opinion it is strong, particularly the last part tells a lot about yourself and is powerful.
If you could find an effective way to combine these parts, it could get outstanding.
Other than that I have no suggestions.

Mind to have a look at my diversity essay?
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

@ Nitin
the thought here is that once the movie starts I am no longer part of reality ( the old world) but part of the movie (the new world). The new world ends when the movie ends. And by idea I mean the principle of ideas, meaning something created by the mind in contrast to the environment, for example imagination.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a destroyer of things'- Pennsylvania School of Engineering and Applied Science essay [5]

Honestly, I am really impressed. The flow of your ideas is superb and your writing style very agreeable.
This is maybe the reason for the impression of the first poster.
The second paragraph is maybe a good example for this.
It is funny and demonstrates your interest in engineering, but it does not convey that you
are really passionate about it, hence no real power.
Secondly, you list the reasons you want to attend Penn very logically and
support them with appropriate examples. You could maybe leave an impression
of a good writing style, but exactly this excellence makes it too sophisticated to be personal.
The end merges good writing with passion, creator and builder.
This is what leaves really good impression.

I would really be glad if you could check out my essays and tell me opportunities to improve.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

The old universe is about to vanish for a new world to take its place. However, only for two hours and only in the reach of my TV. Movies completely absorb me, illicit the whole spectrum of feelings, and make me feel reborn after watching them. They can do this because for me dull reality is an extra in movies. For two hours the idea beats reality, and my love for ideas makes me watch movies often and enthusiastically. This is everything but escapism, since movies give me inspiration and energy for challenges in real life.

Please be harsh and let out your anger at an approaching deadline, so I can build up anger and let it on you essays ;)
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I love music.' - Yale - tell us something we don't already know [5]

You should use this essay to demonstrate some trait of you that will impress the adcoms.
I agree with the first comment. You show a lot of passion for music, but then you say you don't
play an instrument. Although you go on to actually say something different, this sentence
is not really good for the flow of your ideas.
Maybe you should try to link your passion to music to the learning of the instruments for yourself.
And focus. There is no need to tell the adcoms that you were lazy, even if it makes you sympathetic.
And:
Why do you need the support of music in times of joy? Don't you mean distress?
Who else would play music in YOUR room?
But the first part of your essay is really great, it shows your passion and understanding of music,
but the next part about your room seems redundant. You should stop when you feel you have described
music long enough for the reader to feel your love, which is for me the spot where you say music is magic.
Use the energy of the first part to create an outstanding essay, you certainly have strong enough writing skills.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Amherst Supplement Essay "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat." [5]

This is better.

You should try to connect sly temptress and the clear destinction.
Maybe, but I am not really sure, the end would be better if you add something about personal growth,
like how you learned to value challenges.

Would you mind taking a look at my diversity essay?
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia supplement, "undecided but leaning towards biology" [4]

Some language suggestions

the man I am closest with even more than my dad maybe: the man I am closest to
"so that they can squeeze a chest tube into his lungs so that he can get" so that can is used two times

the challenge of solving problems in medicine
I want to be able to explore this field deeper
take place
draw
Other than that a good essay.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / I can't spell accidentally - princeton and harvard supplement [7]

I do not know what the prompt is.
However, most of the time you talk about your dedication to study, about vocabulary and so on.
But at the end you say that your main point is not giving in to peer presure(by the way one or two s?).
So you should really focus on one aspect.

By the way, I would be grateful for feedback on my diversity essay
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT "language" challenge [3]

Do you really want to talk about an experience when you were 7?
I mean it is supposed to show how you overcome challenges, but your personality has probably changed
since that experience a lot. There is a reason the MIT guys ask you to only list activites from 9th grade.

Mind checking out my describe the world you come from bit?
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Columbia - "Research + Civic Engagement" [5]

Well, if you still want to keep the second aspect, then you should firstly try to not make it
sound so logical "Thus it was imperative to find a school that fosters this, and at Columbia I find programs like the Kenneth Cole Community Engagement Program, truly alluring." You want to show passion for the school, but this sounds rather formal.

In the first part you are talking about your dream, which is exactly the passion you want to show for civic engagement.
Secondly, you could maybe try combining the two aspects somehow at the end.
Or just throw the civic engagement part away.
You should try out several possibilites and see what works best for you.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Young Power Program' - intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience. [9]

I would recommend a different approach.
You just talk about the things you saw on this workshop, or better said you just list them.
You don't describe how they influenced you, why these things instilled a passion in you,
at the end you just talk about your career, which is not exactly what Stanford considers
intellectual development.
To be direct, you should revise your essay.

Can you have a look at my essay, too?
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "I'd rather just be myself"-Tufts Univ. essay :) [5]

makman is kind of right. You develop your point effectively, there is logic progression, and there is your personality.
However, it just does not blow your mind. Maybe you could enhance the essay by adding a general, philosophic conclusion,
or something that says how it has shaped the person you are today. YOu could for example say
This realization instilled an undestroyable confidence upon me.

Hope you can use this suggestions somehow.

By the way, mind taking a glimpse at my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my dad's past experiences' - Common app essay [12]

search of better opportunity. try opportunities
capable of supporting try "able to support"
how someone can improve their try his life
"I even decided", do not use even, it should be natural for you.
"and decided to start by searching for a career that interests me" that interested you, so tenses are parallel
And please forgive me if I repeat myself but try to avoid repetition
You use the verb to tell five times alone in the second paragraph.
"This account of my dad's past experiences" is used two times
through dedication and effort is used two times
I recommend to try other phrases since every repetition diminishes the appearance of your writing.
Regarding the last sentence: I do not really see how this relates to the rest of your essay,
it just sounds like you want to have something elevated at the end.
The strong part of your essay is that one clearly sees that your father's experiences are dear to you and that they motivate you.

However, and this is crucial, how do they motivate you? Why does the fact that your father showed strong dedication make you motivated
to pick a career. Is it because you realized that a person must show effort and dedication?

By the way, can you have a look at my essay?
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Diversity in kids" -Describe the world you come from MIT [7]

I will greatly value any form of feedback.
Please feel also free to tell me what impression this essay leaves with you.

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

You know this clichéd image where kids of every race hold hands under a rainbow, smiling? Well, somehow this represents my childhood.
When I was ten my family lived in a social housing district, where most of the families were immigrants. There was a peaceful playground in our neighborhood where the kids went to play. Although we had different backgrounds and races we became very good friends because there was one thing that transcended all cultural barriers: Pokémon. Our parents were not really concerned about our education, but they wanted the kids to keep quiet, and so they bought us a game boy.

We boys would sit next to each other on a bench and play game boy, united by our love for the little creatures. Moreover, everybody could get emotional support if there had been another fight at home. If my childhood was a picture, it would be kids of different colors sitting smilingly on a bench with their game boys connected by a data cable.

To my great disappointment I noticed as a teenager that some Muslim teens in my football club had prejudices against me as a Jew, which made me realize that the relationship between cultures is not as simple as a child perceives it to be. However, I still have a strong love for diversity and looking back at the image of my childhood gives me hope that through cultural exchange every barrier can be brought down.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'polyphasic sleep' - MIT Biggest challenge [11]

Yeah the last shift of focus is maybe not my greatest achievement.
What I tried to say:
Polyphasic sleep opened my eyes to the vast opportunites and new challenges you can find in the world if you look for them
Therefore I did speed reading and lucid dreaming.
If you have any tips on how to phras this correctly, and without many words (the essay is just long enough),
please let me know.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

Thank you very much for answering. I am sorry that I just implied that this report was computer scored.
However I would like to defend my essay
the point is the following:
desire to be free equals desire for autonomy of mind
two aspects:
intellectual independence: examples: homeless and cultural exchange
willpower: boxing etc.
Maybe I should make the transition so:
An equally important part of my desire to be free is pushing my willpower to new limits.
Concerning the attribute question: I see your point, however personality is the group of behavioural patterns which define you.
If you are egoistic you tend to do things for yourself, if you desire freedom you tend to try to be independent.
Besides, the MIT wants to know someting about my character, and this is certainly a part of it, so I do not think that they will really mind.

Lastly, willpower is somehow like a muscle, so you can push it towards new limits.
But I really appreciate that you took the time to hand score my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'in the middle of a war zone' - Common App extra curricular essay [5]

If you apply for a really competitive school you should not use this.
For an average school the approach is o.k., if your scores are good enough.
Maybe you should make the lesson learned part longer or stronger, and you should
somehow say that "of course there are areas where giving everything I've got and being the best
is most natural for me", or something like that.
deremifri   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am an open person' - Stanford- Letter to Roommate [6]

Ah, get it. But the problem is, will the admission office understand the reference?
Something that goes always: I like to have fun, like intellectual discussions.

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