Poetry / I am poem; I am determined and shy [8]

Good afternoon. I have a few suggestions:

"I am determined and shy
I wonder if I'll ever accomplish my goals
I hear the owls hooting
I see goods things ahead
I want to help the unwealthy
I am determined and shy

I pretend that the world is a perfect place to live in
I feel like the world is looking down on unwealthy people
I touch...
I worry ...
I cry when I watch sad movies
I am determined and shy

I understand that anything is possible
I say...
I dream to become and interior designer in the future
I try to get straight " A's" in my report card
I hope ...
I am determined and shy"

This is the basic format for the "I am" poem:

I am (two special characteristics)

I wonder (something you are actually curious about)

I hear (an imaginary sound)

I see (an imaginary sight)

I want (an actual desire)

I am (the first line of the poem restated)

I pretend (something you pretend to do)

I feel (a feeling about something imaginary)

I touch (an imaginary touch)

I worry (something that really bothers you)

I cry (something that makes you very sad)

I am (the first line of the poem repeated)

I understand (something you know is true)

I say (something you believe in)

I dream (something you actually dream about)

I try (something you make an effort to do)

I hope (something you actually hope for)

I am (the first line of the poem repeated)

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Colombia and the efforts of my parents' Meaningful event, experience, etc.-Narrative [3]

I believe there is one error, a comma in your first paragraph. I think you have answered the prompt very effectively. It is a nice essay.

Graduate / I don't want to compromise on the quality of my education;SOP/ Petroleum Engineering) [9]

Good afternoon.

You have a good SOP; I only have a few mechanical corrections:

"I am applying for graduate studies in your reputable university to enable me add value to and enhance my future. As a c hemical e ngineer who has acquired the fundermentals of basic chemical engineering subjects like thermodynamics, reaction kinetics, fluid mechnics, seperation processes, and others, studying p rocess s ystem e ngineering will take my career and professional life upward to the next level. Also considering the development trend in the o il and g as industries, the need for p rocess e ngineers is in high demand. S tudying p rocess s ystem e ngineering will make me relevant in the sustainable developement in my c ountry and the world in general. I therefore see your institution as the ideal place to achieve to enhance my future."

Good job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Movies show us wonderful things and people who we cannot find in the real world [2]

"Nowadays, movies are very popular and become an important part of our lives . There are hundreds of films made each year. We watch movies for many reasons.

We are always curious so we see the movie to explore what we have not ever thought of. Science fiction movies gain lots of success because of this. Furthermore, movies provide what we desire in our world such as a superhero that helps people and drugs that can cure every disease.

They tell about many problems that can happen to every one of us; moreover, they also show us how to solve those problems efficiently. Though there are some differences between movies and real life, we sometimes can apply what movies teach us to overcome problems we meet.

Third, movies are very effective at entertaining us.

Movies can make us laugh, thus making our lives more fun, carefree, enjoyable(Choose a better adjective here.) . We cannot just go to work then eat and then sleep.

Whatever the changes may be in many aspects of our lives , I can be sure that movies stillplay an important role in making this world more exciting ."

If I had to give a grade, I'd probably give you a 5 on your content; you make good points and give good examples. I'd give a 2 for mechanics because of the spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, and word choice issues. But, that is why people come here: I'm not giving the grade :)

Keep up your hard work.

Undergraduate / Hingham, the meadow; Meaning of MY NAME [4]

Good afternoon :)

What kind of assistance are you requiring for this assignment? Would you like proofreading and editing of it when you are done, or would you like this edited so far? Please advise so I can help you! :)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForuml.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Well, you could give a brief description of the different effects humans have for the introduction. You can outline what you will talk about and how your research supports the items you will discuss. You just don't want to get into too many details right off.

Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

OK, which one are you thinking about?
Depending on the character, you can talk about character traits and use the text to exemplify those specific traits. For instance, is Juliet foolish for not making sure Romeo was dead before taking the poison herself? Is the feud between the two families justified because of their history?

Which character do you find most interesting?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Speeches / It's time for a woman President - stating an opinion [8]

Good evening.

Well, it kind of depends on the assignment requirements. If you are asking theoretical questions that are logical to your topic, they are usually OK. Sometimes essays are to be opinion pieces, and there questions are OK to ask too. The guideline should be if it is a question relative to your piece or one that you will answer, it would be OK to include.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Yes, there is :)

OK, a research paper is going to be scientific in nature. It needs to be based on scientific facts and research. Every statement that you make should have a credible cited resource behind it so that your essay is strong and credible. I suggest you begin searching magazines and scientific journals at your media center or online for research related to human impact on global warming. Contact your media center or your academic advisor for additional research resources.

Undergraduate / UF about my father and ulcerative colitis [6]

Good morning. Thank you for your kind words.

In a matter of pure seconds, I changed from a naďve sixteen-year-old that did not think past what was for dinner that night, to someone that I never knew I was going to be. I changed into someone that was confused and vulnerable, but also someone who would become stronger mentally after realizing what was really important in life. This is a good introduction; it sets up your readers for the rest of your text.

When I think about possibly attending the University of Florida I am so excited for the opportunity that I will be given.

Great job. I think your content is well linked. It flows from one section to the next, and they are all related, keeping your entire text relevant. You show your commitment to becoming a better student on campus, and show your maturity through your life experience reflected in your writing. I think it is great the way it is.

Poetry / Destined - a poem [10]

What kind of feedback are you looking for in this poem? What is the assignment?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

Good morning.

A monologue is a one-sided conversation one has with oneself. "Mono" means "one," so there is only one speaker during the monologue. It is usually used in theater or when speaking because it is dialogue.

What topic are you going to speak about?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / International student from Korea - my English wouldn't develop there - advice on my entrance essay [5]

Good job. You give a good explanation of why you want to get into the program, and of telling your history of how you got to where you are. Some changes are needed, and a little clarification in a few places, but overall you've got a good essay. Keep up your hard work.

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

OK, that's a great source. Are you to write a research paper or a personal opinion paper? Depending on the style your introduction/thesis will change. For an opinion piece, you could do something like, "I believe that humans are to blame for the phenomenon known as global warming." If it is a research piece you could change it to "Research from state research publication has shown that global warming is caused, in whole or in part by human beings."

Something to that effect.

Undergraduate / UF about my father and ulcerative colitis [6]

Your content is very descriptive and you use it well to describe how you have changed as a person. Good work, and keep your head up.

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Sure! :)

A thesis statement is just like a topic sentence, main idea, or introduction. Basically it sums up what you are going to write about in one sentence. What do you want to discuss in your paper?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Each of them applied to me' - FSU admission essay [3]

Good evening.

I looked at the second essay and edited it here because your editing process is

I have the strength to form my own opinions and ideas and to think on my own but that is also a big part of my "Mores" and who I am. "Vires" is strength, because I fight for what I think is right even if it is not the most popular. I do not let other people influence me negatively, and face it, in high school that is a very hard thing to overcome. I have the strength to stand up for what I believe in and to say "no" where it is needed, which also plays into "Mores." Physically, I am not strong at all but I do have the strength to push myself further, whether I am just working out at the gym or trying my hardest in school to succeed and get to where I want to go, which is to FSU and to become a broadcast j ournalist. These last three years of high school have been leading up to this year, senior year, where I get everything ready and organized for college. I have taken challenging courses throughout high school and this year alone I am taking four AP courses and two honors courses. The strength it has taken me to achieve these things has been more than I knew I had. "Mores" is character, because I am motivated in everything I do; to read that goal that I have been working so hard to succeed in. Whether it is to accomplish a good grade or help out wish a club I am involved in. I love being an active member in every club I participate in. Throughout high school I have been a part of no less than ten clubs, whenever any of them have done a project or community service I work hard to finish whatever task I have started.

I have been hearing the question "What do you want to do with your life?" far more often lately than I used to, and I always reply with "I really want to go into b roadcast j ournalism." To become a news reporter has been a dream of mine for the past two or so years and I have been in television production since my sophomore year and on my school's morning announcement team since junior year. This is where "Artes" enters into my life. It takes skill to be in TV production, not just a pretty face; a person has to be confident, which I am. And I am tired of hearing from people that news anchors and reports have no brains because that is most certainly not true. News is going out and finding it, not just repeating what someone else has researched and typed up. To go out and seek information in the news involves good people skills. I have the ability to work with others in a friendly environment and I never dominate and take over when I am working with a group of people. I have the ability to step up and become a leader when it is needed and I am good at taking charge without overshadowing other group members.

Although I had never heard the Latin words "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores" before writing this essay, I had heard the words "strength," "skill," and "character," but even though I have heard of them, I have never actually sat and thought about how each applied to me. Now that I have done that I realize that those three little words, the FSU motto, play a big part in my life. I realize even more that I really do belong in the world of the Seminoles at Florida State University."

Nice work. A few mechanical errors, but overall I like this one better. Good job!

Graduate / I am ready to further my commitment to NURSING! [3]

Nice work. It is tough when there is such a stringent word count requirement to do a thorough job. I believe you have done wonderfully here. A few corrections, but overall a great essay. Good job.

Undergraduate / 'Towards studying pharmacy' - concise narrative - Undergrad Admission essay [4]

I really like the second, revised essay. It is much more descriptive and your personal energy is showcased very well. The grammar and mechanics looked good, but there are a couple of places where you have used contractions; make sure that you don't use those in the final version. Other than that, you've got a great draft! Keep it up!

Graduate / learning about the Berkeley MBA program [3]

Good afternoon.

I'm not really sure that you have answered the prompt. The question wants to know what you have done to educate yourself about the program. It seems like the only thing you have done is ask an advisor about what he/she thought you should do, and then maybe checked out the program's website. You do not explain what steps you took in your decision making process, which is what you were asked to do. Instead, it seems like you are giving a report on their own program, reiterating information they already know. Also, you really don't discuss the things that have influenced you personally to apply to the program.

I suggest spending some time on your individual process of choosing this program in more detail. How will this program benefit you in your career and your future plans? How will this program help you achieve your dreams? What is it about this program that is so spectacular?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

What is your thesis statement or topic? What position are you taking? Once you have a thesis statement to narrow down your scope, research will be easier.

Research Papers / Capital Punishment an Ethical solution to crime? - Research Paper [4]

I'm just glad I could help; any time!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Capital Punishment an Ethical solution to crime? - Research Paper [4]

Good afternoon :)

OK, let's see here:

1. What crimes are punishable by capital punishment? Good-this sets the groundwork for the scope of your text.
2. What are the methods for capital punishment? You could be a bit more specific here. For instance, geographically, where are you researching? What state? For the sake of scope (and your blood pressure) how about something like, "What are the capital punishments used currently in the state of (wherever)?"Something to this effect.

3. Are the procedures used by (whatever state) ethical? Is capital punishment in the forms currently used in this state ethical consequences for the crimes committed?Something to this effect.

As far as citing my advice, I am editing your work. Any changes that I make are usually word choice or punctuation, sometimes rephrasing. I try to use prompts for you to put ideas into your own words, rather than just doing it for you. So, the short answer is you will not need to quote me and it will not be a plagiarism situation because I will never write your content for you; I will never put either one of us in a plagiarism situation.

I hope this helps.

Keep up your hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Social Identity assignment [2]

Nice work. Your content is very strong and you are very confident in your text. You give good examples to prove your knowledge and show your reasoning. Good job.

A few mechanical issues. First, watch your unnecessary capitalization. The terms you refer to here are distinct because they are a specialized discourse in regards to your field of study. They are not, however, proper nouns which require capitalization; so watch that. Also, make sure you are properly spacing after your quotation marks and between your words. Lastly, watch the casual use of contractions in formal academic writing, as it is inappropriate and you will probably be counted off for it; when in doubt, just make sure and write out the whole word.

Keep up your hard work!

Grammar, Usage / Beginner Writer Question; I have never written an essay in my life [5]

OK, so what skill(s) are you thinking about using as your topic? What kinds of skill(s) is/are this/these to be? Athletic skills, mental abilities, personality strengths? What are you thinking?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / thesis statement and introductry paragraph [10]

Good afternoon.

Well, a little bit of both. The purpose of a SOP is to not only explain what your future goals are, but also to explain your history; i.e. how you got where you are today and why you are a well rounded individual that will be successful if admitted to the institution. Presenting yourself in the most complete way is best, so go ahead and include both.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Beginner Writer Question; I have never written an essay in my life [5]

Good afternoon.

What is your prompt/assignment?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Towards studying pharmacy' - concise narrative - Undergrad Admission essay [4]

During the program I researched on the Formulation of Lipid(This should not be capitalized.) -based gene delivery vehicles with reduced toxicity in Mammalian(This should not be capitalized.) cells. After the summer program, I entered to the Regional(This should not be capitalized.) science fair and got first place with two special awards in the Medical(This should not be capitalized.) division, and won 4th place in the state competition. My life dream is to go to a University(This should not be capitalized.) and get my PhD in pharmaceuticals and help people in need of medications and work on research to cure diseases. From this experience, I learned to never give up on my dreams and always persist in what I believe in. This experience truly made me more focused and confident about myself and will truly affect my college studies by making me more apt and determined to achieve my goals in my studies in being a pharmaceutical student. It is crucial for students to understand how important of an opportunity education is. It is the key to success, joy, and a bright future for all individuals from all backgrounds."

Nice work. You explain yourself clearly and your text is very well organized. A few mechanical corrections, but overall a nice job!

Writing Feedback / Initial Assessment Essay on the "The Story of an Hour" [4]

Good afternoon.

OK, slow down. :)

First, what are your areas of concern?
Second, what are the requirements for the paper?
Third, what is it that you do like about what you have here?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Poetry / "It was Good to Have Known you Sarah" - Poem [6]

Good afternoon.

This is a very well thought out poem. What form/structure are you using?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Global warming presents a genuine risk to our existence; INTRODUCTION [2]

Great job! One small change though:

"After years of research scientists have finally come to the conclusion that global warming presents a genuine risk to our existence. The concept of global warming deserves all the attention it has been getting lately because environments have changed dramatically in recent years; glaciers are melting at a speedy pace, and the land is changing as well but this is just a small part of this planetary disaster that is just starting to take effect."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Unique qualities - UCF essay; I am loyal, dependable, and hard-working [2]

Good job. Just a few mechanical errors, but I do like the ending much better. Keep up the nice work!

Essays / Essay on "Best companies to work for" - Struggling Marine! [2]

Good evening.

OK; let's start with what your definition of "good" is. Benefit packages: i.e. health benefits, dental, pensions, 401k, stock options, etc. What about other things such as the company's environmental friendliness, on-site daycare, telecommuting, four day workweeks? How about employee freedoms? What about employer sponsored health improvement programs like gym memberships? For example, a designing company in CA lets employees bring their dogs to work with them. What are your criteria for "good?"

Secondly, Texas Instruments and 3M are probably the most innovative companies and have the most contented employees in the US; check out their websites to start with and see what you think.

We'll start there.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / no other tools than face-to-face talk can replace human needs to meet and share joys and sorrows [4]

Both of those are fine; they are still used frequently today.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Morgan State University - how my job influence my life [6]

You have a good basis here. I'm not sure what your word count is, but you may have to shorten your story some so that you have some room to explain how this experience has influenced your life.

A couple of grammatical/mechanical thoughts. First, watch your casual use of contractions in formal academic writing; it is inapropriate contractions should not be used. Also, watch your capitalization and punctuation.

This is a good rough draft. Keep up your hard work.

Undergraduate / STAGE,Excite staff; UF admission - Experience, event, possible contributions, etc. [2]

Your first and second paragraphs are not very well connected. I am unsure if in the first paragraph you are a student who will be attending the Excite program, or if this is when you found out you would be a teacher there. In the second paragraph I am still searching for the link to the first paragraph. Can you work on this? Also, I really like your ending sentence, it is very fitting.

Research Papers / six sigma applications in tyre industry [6]

Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin your research online by conducting a keyword search using "six sigma history" and "literature review." This will give you a preliminary idea as to what resources are out there, and it is a good place to get started. You can also check with your campus media center and your academic advisor; they can both help you locate research resources on campus.

Happy researching!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Research Question - Death Penalty; Need a direction [10]

Good afternoon.

Since it's an ethics class, how about something like, "Is the death penalty an ethical solution to violent crime?" You don't have to narrow it down to violent crime, you could use crime in general, or you could choose a specific method, such as the gas chamber, and evaluate whether or not that particular procedure is ethical.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Forget the presence and look at the future' - another FSU admissions essay [2]

Good job. Your essay is very confident and spirited. You explain clearly why this motto applies to you and your life, and I like your comparisons. Your conclusion is very optimistic; your whole essay seems to be looking over the horizon rather than at your feet. Nice work.

Undergraduate / 'Healthcare Documentation Integrity' - essay for admission into an Art School [9]

Good afternoon.

Let's see:

I have been interested in this field since high school where I took classes in digital design and I also attended a tech school for graphic design where I worked with different community organizations to help design logos, letter heads, and building banners.

I expect that through attending Miami International University of Art and Design my knowledge, creativity, and unique ability will continue to grow because of technical experiences gained and from working with other students. Is there one class or content area that this school provides that you are particularly interested in or excited about?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com